• 1 hour ago
Asmongold Reacts to: ubisoft's billion dollar game CUCKED by a meme
by @FLEEKAZOID https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiMEO3mMu88
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Transcript
00:00I've been playing this game a little bit off-stream
00:03Men only want one thing and it's not money. It's not power. It's imposing my feminine dominance, brother
00:14Sorry didn't mean to hit you with the hard yar right out of the gates
00:17I've just been very pepped up ever since they shut down all those hooters now
00:21Where am I supposed to find me future wife? I still haven't replaced my go-to and just find her on only fans
00:28Anyways after 84 long years the Japanese have returned to Hawaii this time bearing
00:34After 84 long years the Japanese have returned to Hawaii just a second
00:39Oh
00:56That's a classic
01:00Gifts a gift that combines two of the greatest there are pirates and yakuza
01:06Games are like a cocaine did LSD then smoked a bowl Japan before and after the nukes, right?
01:23All it takes is minutes to go from some poor lady mourning the loss of higher
01:28Family to a 60 year old man blasting the Angry Birds the only that's right pirate ship shooting his laser
01:34That's right purple cannon purple cannon purple cannon purple cannon and a ship full of clowns then top it it off
01:40Wait, I think they're okay in purple cannon purple cannon and a ship. Oh my god
01:48They even have reddit representation
01:51Full of clowns then top it it off by strafing their poop deck with a fully automatic non-lethal flintlock
01:57That sentence only even exists in a yakuza game and that's the abbreviated version man
02:02I think these games can't get any wilder. They add an entire minigame. That's basically duck
02:07I've instead of Rhea they have a minigame in one of the yakuza games where you can literally basically just watch porn
02:19I don't know how that happened. But yeah
02:24In the ducks flying out of the trees you're reacting to old up guys jumping out from behind a dumpster
02:31There is not a single franchise that has as much fun as yakuza does
02:36I plan on finishing. I never understood how good these games were until I played this
02:43Like I'm I'm getting close to being done with Monster Hunter Wilds and like at least I kind of getting to where like I'm no
02:49Longer, I'm just like playing it kind of for fun. I'm not like grinding anymore
02:54The pirate yakuza game is so fun and
02:58After I finish that I'm gonna play another yakuza game to these games are amazing
03:05Single one of these games that sit permanently on my hard drive waiting to give me joy
03:10But one of the things I find most interesting about yakuza is that it shows how simple fun can be therefore accentuating how?
03:17incompetent you have to be
03:20To
03:23Make something that isn't for like let's say for example
03:26I don't know you throw the GDP of Bosnia and make it a pirate game and then you don't even put any shipboarding in it
03:31Well, how about you're making a new addition to your franchise all about jumping? It's like imagine. This is what's so sad
03:38it's like imagine being Ubisoft spending the better part of a decade making a pirate game and
03:44Then a Japanese company that doesn't even make pirate games
03:50They make a spin-off game that just totally blows yours out of the water
03:56Like they're not even trying it's like you're you're losing a race to a person who's not even in it
04:05Del then you make an entire character that cannot fucking jump or be stealthy or you pilfer the Singaporean government's booty
04:12This mini-game to show for pirate yakuza was made in a cave with a box of scrap
04:18It's built like a hot dog
04:19It's just the assholes and elbows of all the other yakuza games made probably about a goddamn year and yet their weakest mini-game is
04:26Fucking dull. That's right an entire goddamn sport a sport that I lost an entire evening to by the way
04:33Listen, we'll get back to the UB slide
04:34Tried to play that one where you they do the batting at the explosive things and in this game
04:39I could not fucking figure it out. I was so bad at it. I quit
04:44Second, I'm like the John Daly of putt-putt. That's right. I'm severely this guy by the way
04:49I'm in a second. I'm like the John this guy. I watch a video about this dude. This dude's a fucking legend
04:57Like he is he's a fucking legend like yeah, all he does is smoke cigarettes drink diet coke and eat candy
05:06Daily of putt-putt. Yeah, right. I'm severely overweight and I have a gambling problem. What the fuck you gonna do about it?
05:11You're sticking your no, didn't he beat Tiger Woods while he was drunk. I
05:17Think it was even more than that
05:21Yeah, or maybe he was drinking while he was doing that the tournament yeah exactly
05:26The hungover. Okay. Yeah, there you go. Always drunk
05:30That's a good one
05:34Or the trick could be aiming your balls towards the audience and then cranking it as hard as you possibly can
05:42Nice or the trick could be aiming on top of the hole then cranking the ball in the opposite direction of the width. Oh
05:50Or the trick could just be
05:52Top of the hole than cranking the ball in the opposite direction of the wind. Oh
05:57Or the trick could just be not breaking the ball at all, that's what I did
06:04Listen the point is the trick can be whatever you want it to be as long as you have a copy of premier
06:09But for now, let's circle back to you be soft. I I mean if we're already talking about the minigames
06:14Let's just talk about him, right?
06:15I thought I wouldn't enjoy playing bingo until I was old and couldn't get hard anymore
06:19But as it turns out you don't have to be old bingo is actually kind of the bees knees
06:24Pimps and even better news we can beat it using the same trick that we just used on regular golf
06:29Can't get your platform to work with you
06:32It happens to the best of us. Yeah, the trick here is taking it's like dude. This is like Mario party, but with Japanese gangsters
06:41$50 and heading on down to a whorehouse in Chihuahua
06:44Oh
06:45See, what did I tell you history is written by the autist with pirated Adobe software?
06:50You never get that many games and pirate yachts are ranged from being hit by a Honda while delivering someone's little
06:56Caesars and bros being guys doing man things at a heterosexual manner
07:00But if you're totally normal game probably didn't make it out to you guys. So instead check out explosive baseball
07:05This is the one I did
07:06Smack holes and wait to see which one blows up the entire building. It's actually way easier than fucking the rest
07:13Oops, yeah, I couldn't figure anything out. I sucked at it upon me that we I was so bad viewed the game yet in this
07:19Review. Hey, you know what if we made it this far why start now next minigame?
07:25This is some shit the CIA probably used to torture Iraqis Marty the type of minigame that fundamentally breaks a man
07:32It was on the other end knowing every line in the Bible Marty as I'm shitting outside
07:37And watching the price is right at two o'clock on a Tuesday
07:40Marty hasn't eaten well-done steaks and jerking off to soft-core Marty
07:44This ain't the type of rock bottom men come back from Marty. Come on, you little green bastard
07:49You better get in that goddamn hole. You better stay up you piece of shit
08:02I remember fucking
08:07I
08:08Think it was like rich. It was at like some party and
08:12he played one of these crane games and he spent $40 on it and
08:19I'm pretty sure he got one stuffed animal and it wasn't even the one he wanted
08:28The worst part about it is like now be kind of awkward if I posted the video
08:32But I've made a video of him doing that and like he was playing this other game and he was like
08:37Gambling on two machines at the same time at this like random fucking arcade place. It was nuts man post it
08:45There's a lot of yeah, there's a lot of content you guys never saw
08:47I
08:54Will say this a disturbance
08:57Recent yacht his entries is that they never give us action players any of those advanced business building mini-games
09:03Yeah, turn-based players get what do you guys think? We're stupid or something. You think you think we're some kind of fools you bastards
09:08I'm the goddamn master of mini-games. I conquered the one-shot challenge so hard
09:12They had me redo the same level over and over so they can marvel at my great
09:16Jesus
09:19The audacity, you know, you're the fools that's what I think the
09:24That takes us back around to Ubisoft, but I just gotta tell you about the Coliseum mini-game first
09:29Can I tell you about the Coliseum mini-game?
09:30I've been waiting to tell you about the Coliseum mini-game all day a lot of people think the Coliseum is just some kind of
09:35Condensed way to enjoy all the pirate parts of the game
09:38But what we're actually trying to figure out here is what mental illness is the strongest in battle
09:43Deadliest warrior instead of Spartans versus ninjas. It was sociopaths versus chronic depression or
09:50Bipolars versus anime. Yes
09:53This is great
09:54Yeah, I don't know why they don't make more games like this. He's a gamer
09:58Yes, the guy gets it exactly you didn't finish the game most games. I don't finish on stream
10:05Most games I eventually finish off stream. That's just how I am
10:10Key to surviving the Coliseum though is constant drifting enemy shooting at you. Yeah, you need to shoot at the enemy
10:22Everything in life can be fixed with just a little bit of drifting and also the best crew
10:26Yeah
10:26That is really good
10:27We get your hands on your crew is gonna be who boards with you fights with you and ideally the better their rank is the
10:33Higher their level will be in the more, you know, blah blah. Why there's
10:36Sharks respond think about your crew is collecting all the box some broads you can get am I right or am I right?
10:42Here's a few ways. So you just collect all the hoes and you can have them work on your pirate ship and fight for you
10:48First you can demonstrate your value to the chick that runs the door. Oh
10:53my god
10:57What game is this
11:07Is
11:11This in the pirate yakuza, this is yakuza
11:16I've been looking for this game for years
11:22Throwing game
11:26Are your loins tingling are your loins tingling join my crew, please Oh
11:31Oh second, you can do the love broker side quest where you assemble a harem for your good is that
11:40Yes, it is
11:43Wait
11:50That's the fucking chef it's a real guy
12:01This is amazing. Oh
12:10My
12:12Harem for your good buddy then quintuple II cuck him at the end or there's my favorite handing
12:18$5,000 to a busty ninja that works at Taco Bell. How does that get her to join our crew?
12:22Well, it's the implication now if you're wondering how you get all the dudes
12:26I
12:29Wouldn't know brother I'm going for a Gnaw fees guard 2.0. Look here and I gotta say bro
12:34What I wouldn't know brother. I'm going for a look at this. He's guard 2. Oh my god. I
12:43Need to start playing this game again guys, I know look here and I got this is insane regret it
12:49This ships running like a well-oiled machine
12:5220 hours later
12:54Listen these beefcakes are all gold rank. Those winches were all silver and bra. They weren't qualified for the job the double
13:01De I hires had half my crew under level if that was a well-oiled machine
13:06It'd be the Delta flight that landed upside down, you know, and in the end of the day
13:10It's not that they didn't do their job. It's just that an oiled-up guy could have done it better. Don't believe through
13:15How about we bet on this? We'll get back to Ubisoft in a second
13:18Let's bet on it because if there's one thing I love more than busty ninjas, it's gambling, baby
13:23My therapist came up to me the other day and told me I have a gambling problem
13:27Oh him you want to bet on it?
13:29But I don't fuck with all these Japanese card games cuz those make my brain go on
13:33Well, I don't know what the fuck that is one hand of that boy Joe Cabo. What the fuck is this?
13:38Is this magic to get this is it this I think this is actually Yu-Gi-Oh, isn't it?
13:43So that went down
13:45Oh
13:50Our money is gone. No amber don't leave. What do you mean? Our marriage is over?
13:55And that's why I stick to American card game specifically poker no disrespect to Jack black
14:00But that's just where I test my luck for the night
14:02So the gods bless all Lord with his rent money this month
14:06Oh, I want to make some real fucking money
14:08It's all about high-stakes poker and I'll tell you how I do it
14:11The first rule of poker is that I always gamble how is how is this bullshit game?
14:17Have so many different layers of complexity
14:23This should be illegal
14:27They all do yeah, but this is a bullshit spinoff game
14:42I
14:44Don't know what
14:46It's like this is you know what? It's like
14:49it's like going to an alternate universe where US game companies didn't go the way they did and
14:57I get to imagine what it would be like if we got to play a game like I don't know Killzone
15:03With this level of attention to detail and quality
15:08Can you imagine that
15:12That would be crazy I
15:16Don't even know what to say
15:19At least you can pet the dog in Yakuza, uh
15:24I think you can pet the dog wait. Oh
15:27Sorry, sorry in Ubisoft. You can pet the dog in this game, too. I'm pretty sure I'm like 90% sure
15:34You can pet the dog. You can feed the dog
15:36There's like a dog loot system that you the dog will get items for you. There's a dog
15:42Reputation system. There's also the chicken reputation system, which is a lot different than the dog reputation system
15:50Yeah, yeah, and then there's the tiger. Oh, yeah, I forgot about the tiger. It's not a dog. Yeah, this is insane
15:57This is the this is another case of you being stuck in a WoW coma
16:00They have a lot of these many games for the other Yakuza's
16:03Yeah, but like I watch this and then I play something like a vowed or a Dragon Age
16:09like Vale guard and I'm like
16:13How did this happen?
16:17Really like how did this what the hell is going on a
16:22Metal Gear Solid 5 I've got to do the marathon a Metal Gear Solid man. I think we're gonna start
16:27I'm honestly, I'm gonna stop lying
16:30We're just gonna start with Metal Gear Solid 3 when it comes out the remake comes out we're gonna start with that since that's
16:37Technically the beginning and then we play the other ones after that
16:42With the house's money never with my and of course by the house's money
16:46I mean my wife's savings account next open up the official poker rule book
16:50Good job now fold it shut and remember this moment because that'll be the last time you ever fold again
16:55You don't read the rules reading is for pussies that don't that's right subscription
16:59The only rules you need to know you must watch my stream matter what that's right
17:04Come on
17:05I only call my loan shark when I run out of my Queen's money drizzle drizzle nine times out of ten
17:10Bluffing is all you need to beat your opponent and all man is betting on a lot and lying to others is easy
17:16If you first master lying to yourself, are you following me here?
17:19What I'm saying is this knowing the rules is just game is $60
17:23Don't know yeah, you'll think every hand you have is a winning hand take this hand for example
17:29I don't know what the fuck I'm looking at here
17:31So I raised then I raised then I raised then I raised again
17:35The only thing I do these are all mini games inside of a spin-off. This is my kid
17:41Tips everyone's in shock my dick so hard
17:44It's tipping the table as for what happens that other one time out of ten where someone doesn't fall for the bluff because he
17:50Raider of one pair or something. Well, that's where we lose everything and kidnap. I in the parking lot later tonight. That's right
17:56I nab his ass. I start a hostage negotiation. I don't know how this is possible
17:59You do anything stupid our Snipers will riddle you with a hundred bullets. Oh my race. I say make it a hundred and ten bullets
18:06They don't know who they're talking to a full they go home. They leave me with the hostage
18:09They're too scared of that expert gambler like me
18:12Anyway, she's don't overthink this shit this story this game funnily enough starts the same way the kingdom come deliverance to does Majima hits his head
18:18Forgets his entire past but where the two games separate their paths
18:22Is that after you hit your head and kingdom come you go chicks? No, I'm into dudes
18:27oh, yeah, because you can be gay in that game and suck dicks and
18:33Fuck dudes in the ass remember that
18:36Pirate yakuza Majima decides to become a pirate now if you can believe it
18:40Yeah, I had pretty hard after finishing this game. Therefore. I know it's really funny about it
18:45Is that the story from this game is actually better than the story that was in avowed?
18:52Because I was playing through this game at about the same time time that I was playing through avowed and I was really surprised
19:01It's way better. Yeah, and it shouldn't be better
19:07No, no, I
19:08You you you don't say no. I I don't know what to say like kid is less
19:14Yeah, the kids less annoying than the monster on her kid. Yeah, that's definitely true
19:18Wait, do you play Skyrim? I?
19:23Don't know what to say I'd say the story is mid, but the dialogue is 10 out of 10
19:26I thought it was really good. So don't remember a goddamn thing about this story
19:31So instead how about this whip your cock out? Come on, don't be shy
19:35Let's go head to head cock to cock and buddy when this night ends
19:38You're gonna give me all the cash in your wallet with a big smile on your face
19:41Don't I just fucked you real good on the racetrack the cock racing race
19:49Well, there's fools been playing about Saints Row and suicides today is this is this a real sport cock race
19:56It can did they do this in real life?
20:02Now this is something I'd gamble on
20:08This it
20:12Yeah, this could be some good content
20:16I've been honing in my cock racing skills for the last three years. You see that I'm rich you see that I just lost everything
20:24But that's okay because now I'm gonna go find a champion cock on the door
20:29So all these little micro cocks and he's gonna win
20:33Or he's gonna make one hell of a bucket combo listen, I gotta go I've already it's
20:38I'd forsaken game or he's gonna make one hell of a bucket. Come on
20:48Man
20:54Combo listen, I gotta go man. I've already told all my monstrous memory mods. Remember? I'm always two cups ahead
21:02Y'all get ready man next week is about to be crazy. Oh
21:06Man wait, see I'll see what happens next week man. Oh, man
21:11Thanks to the flock of piss for bankroll in this video and another huge. Thanks to all the pimpers
21:16Listen, I'll see you. This video is so good week when we piss off everybody that doesn't use a great sword
21:24It doesn't matter like nah nah, bro, like I yeah this did what a video it's actually crazy cuz like if you look at
21:33How well did that game do yeah, like it's still what's crazy is that
21:38It's still maintained a decent player base. I feel like this is one of those games that I
21:45Wish more people knew about it
21:4822k as a peak is solid. No, it should be
21:51220k the game is actually really good and
21:54Whenever I compare it to like a lot of like average games like it's actually a game
21:58I would recommend and I would say this is actually a good game and it's worth playing