Gogglebox S24 E14
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00:00What is it, Cookie?
00:01What are you barking at the Christmas tree for?
00:03What are you growling at the Christmas tree?
00:05Is it the tree? I think she's growling at the tree.
00:07Yeah, I think she's growling at the tree.
00:10What is it, Cookie?
00:11Why are you growling at the tree, Cookie?
00:13GROWLING
00:15Why are you growling at the Christmas tree, Cookie?
00:17Why don't you like it?
00:18GROWLING
00:22SHE LAUGHS
00:24BARKS
00:25Oh!
00:26MUSIC PLAYS
00:28Oh! No!
00:30Here we go. They've got him.
00:31Oh!
00:32What you doing?
00:33Oh, she's a chicken nugget.
00:34THEY LAUGH
00:36Isn't it embarrassing, Merlin?
00:37Ha! Ha!
00:38Ha!
00:39Oh, kiss.
00:40Oh, that's a bit forward.
00:41This is raunchy, innit?
00:43Bring on the delves.
00:44Yeah!
00:45Who's in for the finger this week, innit?
00:47Oh. Oh.
00:48It's so bad, it's actually good.
00:50It's actually good.
00:51What just happened?
00:52Siri, call Ofcom.
00:55In the week, it was revealed
00:57that the cost of a Christmas dinner had gone up by 6.5%.
01:01We enjoyed lots of great telly.
01:05Keira Knightley was keeping it cool on Netflix.
01:08Give me two minutes.
01:21Mon, I would actually kill you in your sleep, you know?
01:23You wouldn't be able to even do that,
01:25cos I'd hear you breathing before anything else.
01:29And that would wake me up.
01:34You actually be serious?
01:35You'd be approaching me like this.
01:41People were showcasing their special skills on ITV.
01:45Right, Martin and Trixie, to win this challenge,
01:47you need to identify four out of five XI,
01:50blindfolded and only using your tongues.
01:53Could you tell a difference, like, love, with certain things?
01:58Oh, yeah. It'd have to be food.
01:59Definitely.
02:00Yeah, cos you couldn't lick a clock and say,
02:03that's a clock, could you?
02:04A clock!
02:07And Jamie was chucking bits together for the big day on Channel 4.
02:13Then I've got some lovely sausage.
02:15I'm just going to cut inch chunks.
02:17How has a turkey become the Christmas meal?
02:20This is what... I literally asked Ben that the other day.
02:23I was like, why the turkey?
02:26Who looked at a turkey in a field and thought,
02:28your Christmas lunch, son?
02:30Yeah.
02:31Bernard Matthew.
02:32Yeah, it must have been Bernard.
02:36On that fateful Christmas Eve.
02:40Get me shotgun.
02:41I found Christmas dinner.
02:43MUSIC PLAYS
02:50In hall...
02:51Oh, Jenny, do you know something?
02:52I've got some more tinsel for my window.
02:54Good. It did look a bit bad, though, Lee, I think.
02:56Just wrap it round my head while I do it, yeah?
02:58Best friends, Jenny and Lee.
03:01I got a packet.
03:03I am having nightmares.
03:05Stand still. Sit still.
03:07Oh, don't slap me shoulder.
03:09Here, I'm in the middle.
03:11What? Get up!
03:13Eh? Get up!
03:14LAUGHTER
03:16Why, yes!
03:17Oh, let me get up. I can't sit there.
03:19I can't. Ooh, I got that right in my face.
03:22Oh, you've got a builder's bum.
03:24LAUGHTER
03:26This week, a fresh-faced pop star
03:29treated us to some festive fun on Netflix.
03:32I've missed the boat on Sabrina Carpenter,
03:33but I don't think I am her key demographic.
03:35We are not her key demographic.
03:37You certainly are not.
03:38Amelia saw this the other day and got quite excited.
03:40She knows who this Sabrina Carpenter is.
03:43Oh, right.
03:44So that means we're not meant to know who she is.
03:46Yeah.
03:52Look, the dog wants to join in the fun now.
03:54He likes a nonsense Christmas.
03:56She's a Disney kid, isn't she?
03:57Oh, is she? Yeah, she cut her teeth on Disney
03:59and then she supported Taylor Swift.
04:01So she's a bit like Miley Cyprus, then, isn't she?
04:03Yeah.
04:04Miley Cyprus!
04:07LAUGHTER
04:08What?
04:09It's Miley Cyrus.
04:10Well, whatever.
04:11Miley Cyprus!
04:15Hey, Shania.
04:17All right, Sabrina.
04:18Shania Twain!
04:20No!
04:21Shania, I thought it were Kim Marsh.
04:24LAUGHTER
04:25Are you ready?
04:26I'm so ready.
04:29Santa, baby, slip a sable under the tree.
04:33Slip a sable under the tree.
04:36Shania Twain is 59 years old.
04:39Jesus Christ.
04:41I know. That's 18 years more than me.
04:43Oh, God.
04:45Who looks better? Listen.
04:47Shred very carefully, yeah?
04:50I've been an awfully good girl, Santa, baby.
04:53Hey, down the chimney tonight.
04:56Oh, they're trying to out-sing each other.
04:58Watch this, you little shite.
05:00Oh, down the chimney tonight.
05:03Santa, baby, a 54 convertible too.
05:07Light blue.
05:09Did she just do a little camera wink?
05:10She did.
05:11Look at the camera.
05:12Light blue.
05:14I feel like she's talking to me.
05:16She is talking to you, Jake.
05:18Oh, think of all the fun I've missed.
05:23Hey.
05:24Think of all the fellas that haven't missed.
05:27Do you like this, darling?
05:29I think he does.
05:30No, he doesn't.
05:32Next year I could be just as good
05:35if you checked off my Christmas list.
05:39Checked off my what?
05:41Checked off the Christmas list.
05:43Checked off.
05:45What song is this?
05:46That's it. That's not a lie.
05:48I've been an angel all year, Santa, baby.
05:51Is Lady Gaga like this, Mary?
05:54No, Lady Gaga's more hardcore.
05:56Right.
05:57This is softcore.
05:58This is almost middle of the road.
06:01Mm, Santa, honey, one little thing I really need.
06:06Come on, Sue.
06:08Oh, Jesus, Steve.
06:10Santa, baby, hurry down the chimney tonight.
06:17Sing it.
06:18Sing it, you bastard.
06:21Turns out, you know, he's from Wigan.
06:25Come and trim my Christmas tree.
06:28Trim my Christmas tree?
06:29Is that meant to be a metaphor?
06:30Suggestive.
06:31That would think Santa would be if I trimmed my Christmas tree.
06:34He would.
06:36And let's see if you believe in me.
06:39He'd be hurrying down your chimney.
06:41He would.
06:42Forgot to mention one little thing.
06:45I really need.
06:47I don't mean on the phone.
06:49Santa, baby.
06:50So hurry down the chimney tonight.
06:53Do, do, do, do.
06:55Finish off, Sue, with a big hand.
06:57Oh, shit, I see.
07:05Fucking get me a brandy.
07:09I don't like Shania's Santa, baby.
07:11No, shite.
07:12I mean, this makes a change, because normally you've got
07:14Mariah Carey yelling out some Christmas lyrics.
07:19All I want from Christmas is you.
07:23No, she doesn't sound like that, Mary.
07:27In Manchester...
07:29Have you been looking for something nice for me for Christmas?
07:32I already know what you want, you told me what we need.
07:34What?
07:35An air fryer.
07:36See, I just broke.
07:37You're not getting me an air fryer.
07:39You said you need one.
07:40No, I didn't.
07:41That's for the house.
07:42It's not for a present.
07:43It's only for you, she said.
07:44It's for you.
07:45The Malones.
07:46I'm grateful you are.
07:48No, you can't say that.
07:50That's like you getting a flat tyre and me saying,
07:53right, that's your Christmas present.
07:56An air fryer costs a lot more than a flat tyre.
07:58No, it doesn't.
07:59Yes, it does.
08:00No, it doesn't.
08:01This week, there was a festive-feeling, edge-of-your-seat
08:05spy drama keeping us entertained on Netflix.
08:08LA, Keira Knightley's crawled out of the woodworks,
08:11new Netflix, yeah?
08:13I'd make a good spy.
08:15Sean, you don't notice nothing.
08:17I mean, you went out and left the cooker on for three days
08:19because you forgot to turn it off.
08:21Woo-hoo!
08:22Ooh, what's he up to, Bea?
08:24He looks a bit of a dodgy character.
08:26He looks a bit shifty, doesn't he?
08:31What's he looking at?
08:35Have you ever had that feeling when you feel like
08:37you're being followed?
08:38It's awful.
08:41Soft play?
08:42Soft play.
08:43What's that?
08:44Oh, I don't know.
08:45Hi, it's, er, me.
08:47I know I shouldn't do this, but, um...
08:50I think I might be...
08:53in trouble.
08:54What do you mean?
08:55I'm going to get him.
08:56Do you know the person I wanted to call?
08:58Oh, it must be somebody he loves.
09:00Why does he think he's in trouble? What's he done?
09:02Ah!
09:03Oh, no.
09:04Fucking hell, no!
09:05I stabbed him.
09:06Somebody shot him.
09:07He's been shot?
09:10At least he sat down.
09:11There was a silencer on that, weren't there?
09:13Yeah.
09:14Yeah.
09:16Black dove.
09:17That's the intro.
09:18I would be the worst spy ever
09:21because I can't keep a secret for love and the money.
09:26Can't keep your trap shut.
09:27Can't keep my trap shut,
09:28tell everybody everything about myself and withhold nothing.
09:31I'm too much of an oversharer to be a spy.
09:33Yeah.
09:34I wish I could be quiet and mysterious,
09:36but it's just not in me.
09:37Hello, everyone.
09:38Hello.
09:39There she is.
09:40Keira Knightley.
09:41In the programme, Keira was hosting a fancy Christmas party.
09:45Excuse me.
09:46Do I serve as secretary?
09:47Wallace, please.
09:48Oh, Sarah Lancashire?
09:49There she is.
09:50I didn't recognise her with the bouncy blow.
09:52With a guest she wasn't expecting.
09:55What are you doing here?
09:56Oh, I'm sorry.
09:57Oh, I'm sorry.
09:58Oh, I'm sorry.
09:59Oh, I'm sorry.
10:00Oh, I'm sorry.
10:01Oh, I'm sorry.
10:02Oh, I'm sorry.
10:03Oh, I'm sorry.
10:04Oh, I'm sorry.
10:05Oh, I'm sorry.
10:06What are you doing here?
10:07She knows her.
10:08She knows her, doesn't she?
10:09You cannot just turn up.
10:10This morning at 12.30am,
10:11a man named Jason Davis was killed on the South Bank.
10:14Why has that got to do with Keira?
10:16She looks a bit shocked.
10:18Do you know him?
10:19Obviously, she does.
10:20Is she soft play?
10:22She's soft play!
10:23You should know that I've had eyes on you recently.
10:25Oh.
10:26She knows what's been going on.
10:28She knows she's been shagging Jason.
10:31Did he tell you anything, any information,
10:32anything that might have got him killed?
10:34No.
10:36Did he tell you anything about who you are?
10:38Could he have approached with the intent
10:39to find out information about your true identity?
10:41Oh, show her true identity.
10:45Oh.
10:46She's a spy.
10:47Keira's a spy.
10:49If you pull me out, I'm taking the children.
10:51She says, pull me out.
10:52So, obviously, Sarah is her boss, then.
10:54Yes, yeah.
10:55I am taking the children.
10:57And if you try and stop me, I will kill you myself.
11:00Whoa!
11:01I will bleed you right fucking now.
11:03Ooh.
11:04That's a bit strong.
11:05What's she got there, a knife?
11:08She's packing!
11:09She pulled out the shack on her.
11:11Keira, I did not know you were like this.
11:13Damn.
11:14Oh, my God, I thought you were a sweet, posh little girl.
11:17She's cleaning up.
11:19Is Keira from The Hood?
11:20What the fuck?
11:28That's him who plays Paddington.
11:30Oh, she's in, he's out.
11:32She gets everywhere, doesn't she?
11:34She's like muck.
11:35Thank you for coming back.
11:36I knew you wouldn't have wanted to.
11:38If it was anyone else but her.
11:40They look as though they're both standing at a urinal, Mary.
11:43I want you to find out if there's someone after her,
11:45and if there is, I want you to remove them as a threat.
11:47You want me to hunt assassins for you?
11:49Well, you've hunted everyone else.
11:51So, they're bringing him in to watch her,
11:53to keep track of her?
11:54I don't know.
11:55I don't know.
11:56I don't know.
11:57I don't know.
11:58I don't know.
12:00To keep his eye on her.
12:01So, this guy's like the ultimate assassin-assassin?
12:04He's assassinating the assassins.
12:06He's assassin squared.
12:07Right.
12:08A bit later, we saw Keira checking out her dead boyfriend's flat.
12:13If you see something of yours...
12:16Well, be my guest.
12:19She's looking for something specific.
12:30Who's that?
12:32She's got company.
12:35Police, can you open the door, please?
12:37Police?
12:43Compromised.
12:45Send location.
12:48Good evening, madam.
12:49I'm Officer Williams, this is Officer Kent.
12:51They look well-dodging.
12:53Suspicious.
12:54They don't look like coppers.
12:56No, they look like the strippers.
12:58Odd question.
12:59Has he had any guests recently?
13:01A young woman?
13:02Oh, his girlfriend's here now.
13:04You can talk to her.
13:06Oh, she's dropped her right in the bloody shit.
13:13What was that?
13:14What was that?
13:15They've killed her.
13:16Why would they kill that poor homeless landlady?
13:21Oh, good hiding spot.
13:22Nice one, Keira.
13:23Oh, my God, she's the worst spy ever.
13:24The tomb found her there.
13:25She's better off under the lampshade.
13:27Uh-oh.
13:28Oh, she's got the knife again.
13:33Ah!
13:37Oh, jeez, God.
13:38I think she's been to classes.
13:46Keira Knightley would have a nasty bite on her.
13:49That's what I would say.
13:50Keira Knightley?
13:52Oh, you're flammed to the face.
13:55Bloody hell, Keira!
13:59Oh!
14:02Oh, that was a right splat.
14:06Thanks a lot.
14:07What could I have done without the bloodbath?
14:09Sam!
14:10Hello, darling.
14:12Hello, darling.
14:13So they know each other?
14:14Yes, they do.
14:15Oh, my God.
14:16Oh, my God.
14:17Oh, my God.
14:18Oh, my God.
14:19Oh, my God.
14:20Oh, my God.
14:21They know each other.
14:23The fucking shotgun?
14:26Yes.
14:27It's all I had on me.
14:28Yeah, it's pretty extreme.
14:30Well, it did the job.
14:31Oh, this is good.
14:32This is good.
14:33Why is all I can hear in my head after seeing this?
14:36P-A-double-D-I-N-G-T-O-N,
14:39Paddington Bear.
14:42Paddington Bear's got a shotgun now.
14:44Bloody hell, he's gone rogue.
14:51In North London...
14:53Racking around the Christmas tree.
14:56That's one of my favourite Christmas songs.
14:59I'm sorry, but do you have to sing it like that?
15:02Yeah.
15:03And a happy holiday.
15:05You don't like my singing?
15:07Sisters Amira and Amani.
15:09I think we should bust out the karaoke machine this early,
15:12I'm Roman joking.
15:13I don't know if I want to hear you sing.
15:15I am feeling the Christmas vibes from the 1st of November,
15:18let me tell you.
15:19I don't want to hear you sing, honestly.
15:21Definitely not.
15:22Do you know it's so bad that no-one lets me play any Christmas songs at work?
15:26Probably because you've got a horrible voice
15:29that nobody wants to hear.
15:30Amani, I have a beautiful voice.
15:32No, you don't.
15:33It's Christmas!
15:36On Monday night, Lee Mack was back,
15:39turning our cogs again on ITV.
15:42Let's be realistic, we don't fall in the 1%.
15:45Anybody with glasses or wears glasses looks brainy.
15:49Yeah, you see.
15:51Now, that alter show,
15:53when I look at you now, I think,
15:55yes, he has got a brain.
15:58When I look at you now, you're mentally ill
16:00because I think these are the wrong strength fucking glasses.
16:03Have you got any chance to join the 1% club?
16:05Yes, I do, Lee.
16:06Yes, I do.
16:07Oh, my God.
16:08Our questions are all about logic and common sense.
16:10I've got common sense.
16:12No, I think it was both of them that we said you lacked in the last time.
16:16No, because common sense is like when you cross a road,
16:18you look left and right.
16:20I know that.
16:24Let's see if we can get to the last few, shall we?
16:26Yeah.
16:27Do you know one thing that I did exceed well with at school?
16:30Attendance, 100% throughout primary school.
16:33You know, yes, I might be stupid,
16:35but at least I turn up on time.
16:37So this is one that 90% of our survey got right.
16:40Let's see how you get on.
16:4190%, Steve, so this should be easy.
16:44If we don't get this, I'm going home.
16:46Yeah.
16:47In order to move the puppet's left arm,
16:49does the puppeteer need to move their own left hand or right hand?
16:53I'm really bad with left and right.
16:58Left hand, yeah, here.
17:00This is your right, this is your left.
17:02But for us, that's the right, right?
17:05He's looking over at the puppeteer, he's like that.
17:08So he lifts that up and it's the right hand.
17:10Copy the diagram. Puppet's left hand.
17:12Look, puppet's facing that way.
17:14I think it would be their left hand.
17:15No, it would be their right.
17:16I think it would be their left.
17:17It would be their right.
17:21B.
17:22Right hand.
17:23I'm going to go left hand, Simon.
17:24Jane, you can't, you'll be knocked out first round.
17:26No, because if it's this position...
17:28It is...
17:29..the right hand.
17:31Whoa! Let's go! Boom!
17:33I told you, didn't I? We got that right.
17:35That was cos I was doing that.
17:37I was thinking about it.
17:39We are down to the 20% question now.
17:41It is getting very tense.
17:43Let's have a look at it.
17:45Oh, God, these are the ones that... I don't even try these ones.
17:48Daisy doesn't, not, not, not dislike dancing.
17:52Does she like dancing?
17:54Oh, my gosh, that is too hard.
17:57Wait, she doesn't...
17:59..but she does...
18:01..she doesn't...
18:02..but she does...
18:03..she doesn't.
18:04So she doesn't.
18:05So B.
18:09Does she like dancing?
18:10Well, yeah, cos she doesn't dislike dancing.
18:13She dislikes dancing.
18:14No, she doesn't.
18:15Yes, she does.
18:16No, she doesn't.
18:17Yes, she does.
18:18She doesn't like it.
18:19By looking at that sentence, it's like Daisy fucking hates dancing.
18:23But we're going to say she does, just cos it's a trick question.
18:26But we're going to say she does, yeah, cos it's a tricky one
18:29and it's, like, a mind-blowing one.
18:31So it sounds like she fucking hates it, but actually she fucking loves it.
18:34So, yes. Yes.
18:35Let's have a look at the answer.
18:37No.
18:38What?!
18:39Yeah!
18:40Oh, no! Yes!
18:42The not and the dis cancel each other out,
18:44so the sentence essentially reads, Daisy doesn't like dancing.
18:47It cancels each other out!
18:49You're so dumb! I bet you wish it was me! You're so dumb!
18:53You told me to pick yes.
18:55Don't blame me!
18:56I said she didn't, to start with.
18:58After whittling down the audience here in the studio,
19:00we are left with the 1% question.
19:05Oh, God!
19:06Here we go.
19:07Fuck, I am nervous!
19:10If you double the number of times the word triple appears,
19:13how many Ts would there be in this question?
19:17One, two, three...
19:20Count triple twice. Five.
19:22I always miss one of these. I've got seven.
19:24Seven. It's got seven.
19:26Sorry, eight. Hang on, then.
19:27Sorry, eight. Eight. Just hang on.
19:29There's eight. I'm not counting it right.
19:33Seven. Yeah.
19:35Plus your two.
19:36Triple. Nine.
19:37There'd be nine.
19:38Who?
19:39Ten, 12, 14.
19:45OK, your time's up.
19:46I've gone eight.
19:47Seven.
19:48Oh, my God, we're fucking geniuses.
19:50It's 18.
19:53That's quite an easy question, to be fair.
19:55We'll start with you, James.
19:5714.
19:58I put nine.
20:00Nine?!
20:01Wrong.
20:02Fucked it.
20:03Daniel?
20:04Nine.
20:05Nine.
20:06Shit!
20:07Jean-Pierre?
20:08All in agreement of nine?
20:09They've all got it wrong.
20:1016. I should have said 16.
20:13Let's have a look at the answer.
20:14I bet I've missed one.
20:16It's nine.
20:17Nine.
20:18Woo!
20:19Woo!
20:20Ah!
20:22You missed one, Simon.
20:24I'm furious.
20:25I feel quite angry, I'm not going to lie.
20:27Well, there's always next week.
20:29I'll be on my own next week, so I should be all right.
20:32I'll be able to concentrate more without you breathing down my neck.
20:38In South East London...
20:40I mean, I've had to relearn to do a couple of things since this Bell's Palsy.
20:44Have you?
20:45Yeah, one is to speak through the side of my mouth.
20:49Sue and her husband Steve.
20:52And the other one is chewing.
20:54Wow.
20:55Chewing takes a long time.
20:57I have offered to chew your food for you.
21:00You have, but I'm...
21:01You declined.
21:02I'm not having that.
21:03I've got to say, you haven't lost the sharp side of your tongue now, have you?
21:08No.
21:10I've noticed that.
21:11It's sharper than ever, actually.
21:13On Sunday, there was more bish bash bosh for Christmas on Channel 4.
21:18I always do a nice roast on Christmas Day, don't I?
21:21You do, and also you're such a pleasure to be with.
21:24I am once I've got lunch out.
21:27I love the desserts that you get at Christmas, the sherry trifle.
21:32Oh, what?
21:33With no alcohol.
21:34How old are you, 70?
21:36Sherry trifle?
21:38I love sherry trifle.
21:39What the fuck?
21:40Yay!
21:42Merry Christmas.
21:46Do you know what? Jamie's done that many bloody Christmas programmes now.
21:49What is left for him to cook?
21:51Jenny, I bet you've never cooked a thing of his.
21:54Not a thing.
21:56But I like the look of it, cos it looks easy to do.
21:59My party tonight is the perfect chance to give these crunchy winter salad leaves the Christmas treatment.
22:05A salad makes Christmas, don't it, really?
22:07For me, it does.
22:08You know, I always put loads of weight on over Christmas by having the salad.
22:13Served with cheesy phyllo parcels.
22:15Oh, cheese in pastry.
22:18Oh, you love a Jamie Oliver phyllo recipe, don't you?
22:22I do.
22:23I'm going to take ingredients that most of us have in the fridge at this time of year,
22:26so cheese, nuts, fruit.
22:28Does anyone keep nuts in the fridge?
22:32I've got cheese, nuts and fruit.
22:35Come on.
22:36We're all in.
22:37Come on.
22:38Have a little look at that.
22:39This is kind of a Brie-style British cheese.
22:42Do you like Brie?
22:43I love Brie.
22:44I tell you something, we're catching the world up with our cheese,
22:47particularly for our wine.
22:49Slice it up into nice little centimetre pieces like that.
22:54Little wedges of it.
22:56You'd like it deep-fried in breadcrumbs, wouldn't you?
22:58Oh, yeah.
22:59I don't think you can beat too much cheese.
23:01You can't have too much cheese.
23:02I mean, you can, because it will kill you,
23:04but it's lovely to go that way, isn't it?
23:06I'm now going to use some chives.
23:08Chives.
23:09Oh, no, I've never tried a chive, have you?
23:12Well, I like chives and onions, don't I?
23:14Are they?
23:15Ah, cheese and chives, don't I?
23:17Oh, Christ.
23:18And then you've got walnuts.
23:19The season is from October, November,
23:22and if you're not quick, the squirrels will get them.
23:25I like to imagine Jimmy feeding a gang of squirrels at the park for this.
23:28Just push the nuts into the cheese.
23:31Push his nuts into my cheese.
23:34So get yourself a tea towel and just get it wet.
23:37Was he wet enough, Father?
23:39If you put it on this damp, clean, wrung-out cloth,
23:42you've got nothing to worry about.
23:44Right.
23:45Make sure it's clean, the cloth, Natalie.
23:47Obviously.
23:48Obviously, because if it was soiled,
23:50then all that soiling would go into the phyllo pastry.
23:54It's like saying, don't use old glue paper somebody else has used.
23:59It's a dream of providing dirty phyllo.
24:02This incredible combo of cheese is going to melt
24:05inside this crispy pastry.
24:08Oh, Jamie.
24:10Here we go.
24:12Our pymphyllo.
24:13We're just going to roll them up.
24:16Oh, it's like a spring roll, is it?
24:18Maybe he's making a cracker.
24:20I think it is a spring roll type.
24:23No, it's a cracker.
24:24It is not a cracker.
24:26We're going to roll it up nice and gently
24:28and then twist it lightly,
24:30and what we've done is made a little edible Christmas cracker.
24:33Take it back, Mary.
24:34I take it back, but you...
24:36You thought it was an actual cracker.
24:38No, I said it was a cracker.
24:40Oh, look at all them he's got out of that.
24:43I'd see all them off.
24:45The great thing about these is they cook in, like, three, four minutes
24:48and kind of do it in front of people while they all turn up.
24:51But you're having a party.
24:52I know.
24:53You know, everybody's turning up,
24:55and also, who's answering the door?
24:57Who's pouring the drinks?
24:58Who's making sure they're sitting down?
25:00Who's putting the coats away?
25:01I like that.
25:02That's always the dangerous bit, where it's perfect.
25:04Oh!
25:05That would be really nice.
25:06Do you know what you'd get from that?
25:08Greedy burns.
25:09Exactly.
25:10I would.
25:11Molten cheese.
25:12Yeah.
25:13Stuck to the roof of your mouth.
25:14Oh, that's just what you want right before you eat your Christmas dinner.
25:17Take some of that nice, lovely winter salad.
25:21I'm this close to licking your TV, Dad.
25:23That looks so nice.
25:25That plate, ten out of ten.
25:28You like the look of that one?
25:30What do you drink with one of them?
25:32Lots.
25:42Kinkafilly.
25:43What are you having, love?
25:45Well, I was looking at that avocado, but it's gone off, man.
25:48Christ, man.
25:49It's soft as hell.
25:50Well, open it up and see.
25:52You said you were going to taste it.
25:54You haven't never had one before.
25:56Dave and his wife, Shirley.
25:58I can honestly say...
26:00It's shit.
26:03You don't like it, love?
26:06I can't understand...
26:08Why anyone can eat it.
26:09Why anybody would want to eat it.
26:10Well, there we are.
26:11So, get it out now.
26:15What a stupid person, buying one of them.
26:20You've never tasted it.
26:22It looks like shit.
26:23It is like shit.
26:26God.
26:27On Saturday night, there was the return of something we didn't know we'd missed on ITV.
26:33Do you remember you bit?
26:34Sort of.
26:35It's a long time ago, isn't it?
26:37Very long time ago.
26:38Oh, Jenny, I got us a drink.
26:41Bottle of wine.
26:43Saturday night.
26:46Are you splashed out?
26:47Ordinary people.
26:49Taking on extraordinary challenges.
26:52If I was on this, my thing would be telling them that I can do flips and that.
26:56But you can't.
26:57But I can.
26:58He used to be on in the 80s, 90s, this, you bet, with Bruce Forsythe.
27:03But will they succeed?
27:06And now they've brought it back with Willie Oliver.
27:11You bet.
27:13Classic Saturday night shiny floor programme, Mary.
27:16Yeah, with flashing lights.
27:18And terrific amount of excitement already built into the programme.
27:24Please welcome your host, Holly Willoughby.
27:28Look at them pins on Holly.
27:30Oh, stunning.
27:31Nice to see Holly back, isn't it, Mary?
27:34Not particularly.
27:35We're kicking off with the return of the infamous You Bet Digger Challenge.
27:40Digger Challenge, I could do this.
27:42Digger Challenge.
27:43Well, and infamous.
27:44We can't remember it completely, Holly.
27:46Just refresh us a bit.
27:47Three fuses hanging eight metres above the studio floor.
27:51That looks like the tractor that I reversed into.
27:53Will's got just three minutes to light them, using a flame attached to the front of the digger.
27:58That's hard, that leg.
28:00He's got to get his digger up eight metres.
28:03But to get up to the height he needs, he's going to have to pull a wheelie.
28:07What? Are you joking?
28:08Oh, he's going to have to pull a wiggly.
28:11A wheelie.
28:12A wheelie.
28:13Have you ever done a wheelie in one?
28:15Of course I have.
28:17You can do this, baby. Come on.
28:19Come on, Will.
28:20You can do this.
28:22Get yourself in first gear and show us this wheelie.
28:27Three minutes start ticking down. Here we go.
28:29Get those wheels up.
28:30Go on, Will.
28:31Go on, get her up.
28:35He's doing a wheelie!
28:37He's got it up.
28:38But can he keep it up?
28:40That's it, that's it, you're on it.
28:42He's there!
28:44He's there!
28:45That's one done.
28:46Come on, Will.
28:47Go on, Will.
28:49Go on.
28:50A bit further, go on.
28:52That's it, that's it.
28:55There you go.
28:57Hot wheels, come on.
28:58God, he set someone on fire.
29:00He's a postage, ain't he?
29:02Do you know, when I was young, I had done a wheelie on my bike and I knocked me front tooth out.
29:07One more to go, that's all he needs.
29:08OK, Will.
29:09Keep it up, keep it up.
29:11You've got 60 seconds left now, come on.
29:13Oh, he's got it in the bag, man, Will.
29:16Keep it up, keep it up.
29:17Jenny, the neighbours, will you stop saying, keep it up, Will, keep it up, Will.
29:21Fucking neighbours are in.
29:23Just 10 seconds to go.
29:2510 seconds left.
29:26It's the most nerve-wracking thing.
29:27It's tantalising.
29:29Go, go, go.
29:30Come on, you're so close.
29:32Put your foot away.
29:36Yeah!
29:38Oh, pissing hell.
29:39Oh, I'm covered.
29:42Oh, he's kissing his JCB.
29:44That's a bit far, Will.
29:45I like to think that he's never done that before and that was the first time.
29:50I'd say he's in that to get a hug with Holly.
29:53Well, he would, don't he?
29:54Yeah, yeah.
29:56You seem emotional.
30:00Cis people here.
30:03What is it going on?
30:05I don't know.
30:07Oh!
30:09Why is he crying?
30:10Oh, bless him.
30:11Do you think he's got a bit of emosh, Mary?
30:14Mary, emosh.
30:15Don't say that word.
30:16I think he's got a bit of emosh.
30:18Stop saying that word.
30:22Look, standing ovation for him.
30:24Good lad.
30:25That's helped him along, the emosh.
30:28Right.
30:29What's wrong with me saying emosh?
30:31I'm going, I've asked you to stop saying it and I'll take action if you carry on.
30:36Oh.
30:39In Surrey...
30:40It's a nice feeling when you pop open a bottle of wine.
30:43It's a lovely sound, isn't it?
30:44Yeah.
30:45Simon and his sister, Jane.
30:47Close your eyes for a minute.
30:50It's quite good.
30:51Go, go, go, go, go, go.
30:55I should take a recording of that so when I unscrew my wine, I can play it and feel it's better wine.
31:02I'm putting it on YouTube, I'm going to get loads of followers.
31:04On Sunday night, we settled down for more Men in Tights on BBC One.
31:09I knew you'd been watching this.
31:11I love a period drama, don't I?
31:13Yes, and Mam's been watching it as well.
31:15No, it's good.
31:16Henry VIII was very naughty.
31:18He chopped off his wife's heads.
31:21How many?
31:22Eight.
31:23Oh, no, seven, I think it was seven.
31:25Seven of his wife's heads?
31:27He had seven wives and I think he chopped off six of them.
31:34Anne of Cleves' Majesty.
31:36Anne of Cleves' fourth wife, potentially.
31:39Apparently, she, in the books of history, is known to be quite ugly in appearance,
31:46but yet her portrait's stunning.
31:48She is not ugly.
31:49Yeah.
31:53Is that Thomas Cromwell?
31:55And this is how she stood before you?
31:57Yes, that she is.
31:59So Henry likes the look of her.
32:01He likes the look of the painting?
32:04Oh, look, my Lord Norfolk, is she not well and seemly?
32:07It's Latin, isn't it?
32:09Is that the speak or the write?
32:11And, of course, we will be able to make music together.
32:14Oh.
32:15In Germany, as far as I understand, great ladies do not have music masters, sir.
32:19You're not allowed to sing and dance in Germany?
32:21No, obviously, it was locked down on.
32:23My wife and I will hunt.
32:25We will enjoy the pleasures of the chase together.
32:27Oh, he's got our TV, it is placed.
32:31I am not sure she shoots.
32:33I don't hunt either.
32:35What the bloody hell do they do all day, then?
32:37I mean, to me, you know, as an outsider,
32:39this doesn't look like a match made in heaven.
32:41She will find our ideas quite different.
32:46I was awful in school with history.
32:48I was the bottom of the class.
32:50I never took anything in, then.
32:52I didn't mind history in school,
32:54but I wasn't into your Churchills and your Tudors
32:57and your Victorians and all that.
32:59That wasn't the side of history I was interested in.
33:02Like learning about, like...
33:04Egyptians. Yes.
33:06My Lord, I have decided to make speed to Rochester
33:09and greet the bride in my own person.
33:11Oh, really? He's keen, then.
33:13Aw! I didn't know he was such a romantic.
33:16How are you saying aw to that?
33:19He wants to go and meet her. He's not going to wait for her to come.
33:22That's romantic.
33:24I want to surprise her
33:26and gladden her heart
33:28and bid her a proper welcome.
33:31Oh, my God, no.
33:33She'll hardly be off the ship, sir.
33:35Think how shamed she will be
33:37if she cannot appear at her best.
33:39Basically, she wants to make sure
33:41that she's got her make-up on and her push-up bra on.
33:43Yeah. What I'm getting from this is that she's a bit of a pig.
33:46Yeah. I will go in disguise.
33:48In disguise?
33:50He's going to look from the sidelines and check her out.
33:52My friend Leslie once met her husband at the airport
33:55dressed completely as a punk rocker.
33:57He didn't recognise her at first.
33:59He didn't recognise her at first. It was a joke.
34:01It's very similar.
34:03Hmm.
34:08Gregory, what are you doing here?
34:11Henry is on his way back from Rochester.
34:14Oh, back with news?
34:16And Risley, had he warned Anne? Was she ready?
34:19She was warned. She was not ready.
34:21Oh, where did it go?
34:25The King came in. Right.
34:27Masked. Oh. Oh, dear.
34:29Dressed in some outlandish costume.
34:34Look at his face!
34:36Cromwell does not look impressed, does he?
34:38I think he could see this was going to be a disaster.
34:40Yeah.
34:42They were baiting a bull in the courtyard
34:44and she cast a glance over her shoulder
34:46and then turned back to the sport.
34:48She ignored him. She blanked him.
34:50She pied him. But he was in disguise, wasn't he?
34:52Yeah. And then she turned
34:54and she realised who he was.
34:57She recoiled from him.
34:59Ooh!
35:01She got the ick.
35:03Recoiled is basically getting the ick.
35:05Might as well be, yeah.
35:07That's it, she's getting beheaded.
35:09Benedictus etis ad hominem.
35:11Yeah, they're getting married here, Julie.
35:13Oh, here we are. Is this the wedding?
35:15They're getting married anyway.
35:17Is he going to kiss the bride?
35:23Oh! Not even on the lips.
35:25Not on the lips.
35:27No, he's rebuffed her.
35:29She recoiled, so he recoiled back, OK?
35:31So, fair's fair.
35:33Do you know what I mean?
35:35How liked you the Queen?
35:37OK, how much have I cocked up here?
35:39I liked her not well before.
35:41Oh!
35:43I like her much worse now.
35:45Oh!
35:47Now he can't stand her.
35:49And you done this, Cromwell.
35:51Her breasts are slack.
35:53Oh, lovely. That's the kind of thing
35:55you go around telling people, isn't it?
35:57He's slagging her tits off because she recoiled at him
35:59for being old.
36:01He's in great condition.
36:03His tits are slack.
36:05Her belly has loose skin on it when I felt it,
36:07it struck me to the heart.
36:09God, he won't like neither of us.
36:11No.
36:13My breasts are slack.
36:15There's one thing they are.
36:17And my belly has loose skin.
36:19I do not believe she is a maid.
36:22What?
36:24You got me the village bike from Dusseldorf, Tom.
36:26Majesty, she is never straight
36:28from her mother's side.
36:32Oh, dear, Thomas.
36:34Cromwell's just testing his head,
36:36seeing if it's a bit loose.
36:38Seeing if it's still attached.
36:40Because it won't be for long.
36:42I want to find out what happens.
36:44You have to watch next week.
36:46Or you could just Google it, it is real history.
36:48Yeah.
36:50What would you do?
36:52To be his wife?
36:54I'd say, sorry, I don't want to go out with you.
36:56I don't think you'd get a choice.
36:58Oh, I'd get a choice.
37:00I'm not going out with Henry VIII.
37:12In Leeds...
37:14Have you seen Aunty Margaret recently?
37:16Because our Katie and Mam were saying
37:18Sisters Ellie and Dizzy.
37:20Have you?
37:22She came over to my house, all in a huff
37:24because she'd been
37:26gotten from work, knackered,
37:28trying to lay on the sofa, Barry
37:30wanting to watch Police Interceptors.
37:32So she was going mad,
37:34making him turn Police Interceptors off
37:36because she was knackered and she didn't want to stand listening to Police Interceptors.
37:38And they were supposed to be
37:40going out for sit-down fish and chips and a pint
37:42and she said that he told her to go to
37:44Takeaway on my out because he was so fuming
37:47that she wouldn't let him watch Police Interceptors.
37:49I want to phone Aunty Margaret now
37:51and see if Barry did watch Police Interceptors.
37:53I bet he did.
37:55On Wednesday night, technology for kids
37:57was under the spotlight on Channel 4.
37:59I was literally there
38:01at the advent of
38:03smartphones.
38:05I remember the first touchscreen phone
38:07that I seen, the LG Chocolate.
38:09Could not believe it, my mind was blown.
38:11Like lots of parents,
38:13Matt and I are becoming increasingly
38:15worried about the effects of smartphones
38:17and social media on our children.
38:19I'm not getting Bobby a smartphone for as long
38:21as I can get away with it for.
38:23Over 90% of 11-year-olds own a smartphone.
38:2590%!
38:2711 seems
38:29too young to have
38:31the whole internet.
38:33And almost half of the nation's 9-year-olds
38:35currently have one too.
38:37What does a 9-year-old need a phone for?
38:39What's an 11-year-old need one for?
38:41What's he doing, online banking?
38:43My prized position was my bike.
38:45At 9, and that's where you should be.
38:47With research showing
38:49that a quarter of UK teens are glued
38:51to their smartphones for more than 5 hours a day.
38:53Yeah, mine is.
38:55Is it? Have you checked your screen time?
38:57In a landmark scientific experiment,
38:59a group of 12-year-old school children
39:01are giving up their smartphones
39:03for 3 weeks.
39:05That's a long time, 3 weeks.
39:07You would die, you would actually die.
39:09You'd be like, put me on an IV, I'm done.
39:13How would you feel if we took your phones away?
39:15Do you want to die painfully or quickly?
39:17I feel like it's a violation,
39:19it's my human rights.
39:21Sometimes when I've looked at these videos,
39:23I'm on the next one, and then an hour's gone by
39:25and you think, what's happened?
39:27They can't be doing that in school.
39:29Looking at porn.
39:31Hello! Hi!
39:33How are you feeling? Fine.
39:35You look nervous. Are you nervous?
39:37Oh, these are the little guinea pigs.
39:39No, these kids are going to panic.
39:41They're going to lose their shit, boy.
39:43So this is where you say goodbye to scrolling.
39:47Oh, no.
39:49That's my life.
39:51Yeah, really?
39:53That girl's you. This is me all night.
39:55And probably most importantly for you lot,
39:57you are going to say goodbye
39:59to your Snapchat streak.
40:03But to be fair, what if your Snapchat streak is really high?
40:05Yeah.
40:07That'd piss me off and all.
40:09I'd be absolutely fuming because I've got
40:11a 1,021-day Snapchat streak.
40:13Theo, what is the one thing
40:15you think you're going to miss the most?
40:17My phone, because I just won't have anything to do.
40:19Oh, you will!
40:21Read a book, play a board game,
40:23do some drawing, make something.
40:25Why don't you take your own advice?
40:27Go out in the garden. I do!
40:29Our kids are constantly asking
40:31if they can have TikTok on their devices.
40:33No! No, no, no, no.
40:35No TikTok.
40:37I don't have it, but I think it's just
40:39absolutely mesmerising
40:41series of short films
40:43that you could look at until you were dead.
40:45So, Emma and I have been given
40:47two brand-new phones to conduct a mini-experiment.
40:49We'll be posing as
40:5113-year-old first-time users
40:53to see what content we're served.
40:55So I wonder if it's going to be content
40:57that's age-appropriate
40:59if you put a young age in.
41:01Let's see.
41:03I'm getting so many roller coasters.
41:05You don't know anything yet, do you?
41:07Life is a roller coaster, Matt.
41:09I've got a baby.
41:11Rat-sized spiders.
41:13Oh, my God, I get that as well!
41:15I'm not saying these apps are good or always right,
41:17but they're not really out to get you.
41:19They're not malicious, evil things
41:21that are always trying to...
41:23Well, let's just watch it.
41:25Over the next four hours,
41:27a producer scrolled through both phones
41:29as a child might.
41:31Four hours later, have things changed?
41:33Oh, my God!
41:35Oh, God, what?
41:37A 911 recording of a man
41:39beating his wife
41:41and the daughter screaming for help.
41:43What the hell?
41:45That's wild.
41:47How's that coming up on a 13-year-old's phone?
41:49Oh, my God.
41:51Does anyone else understand that there is no point in life?
41:53So suicidal thoughts are coming up...
41:55This is dark stuff!
41:57..on a 13-year-old's page on TikTok.
41:59Crazy.
42:01Faced with these challenges,
42:03many of the kids are now starting to feel the benefits.
42:05Do you remember what they are? Have you seen those before?
42:07Puzzles, yeah. That's a jigsaw.
42:09Oh, they're doing a jigsaw.
42:11Nice, I love a jiggy.
42:13I'm a lot more active than usual.
42:15We've been playing, like, door games,
42:17going out for a bit.
42:19I'm just having fun.
42:21Going outdoors!
42:23What a bloody brilliant...
42:25You don't see kids playing out any more.
42:27No, I don't. You two are very quiet.
42:29We can all give it up, if you want.
42:31Yeah. No. No.
42:33I'm going to say it's fine.
42:35The thing is, he doesn't just stop at phones, you know.
42:37Take the phone off him.
42:39Oh, well, they're on the tablet.
42:41Oh, well, we'll take the tablet off him.
42:43Oh, well, they're on the PlayStation,
42:45then trolling each other via that.
42:47Yeah. Oh, look, take that off him. The vape's sticking.
42:49Yeah. No sucking on a vape bong.
42:53Fucking kids.
42:55In Leeds...
42:57Have you got a Christmas outfit sorted?
42:59For what? For Christmas Day?
43:01No, I...
43:03Well, hopefully I don't have to get dressed.
43:05Best friends Danielle and Daniella.
43:07So you don't have a Christmas onesie?
43:09No.
43:11Really?
43:13I've got onesies, but I don't have a Christmas one.
43:15Have you got a Christmas onesie? Of course I do.
43:17Well, what's on it?
43:19Snowfix. Is it?
43:21But I think I'm going to try and get a Christmas tree
43:23or gingerbread men.
43:25Now I'm inspired. OK.
43:27Well, we could probably sew this up into one for you, to be honest.
43:29There's not enough material.
43:33On Friday, it was all gravy on ITV News.
43:37Oh, look, it's even got a bit of string on.
43:39Come on.
43:41Get away.
43:43Sir Cliff Richard may have had four Christmas number ones
43:45during his career.
43:47Is that all? I thought he would have more than four number ones.
43:49You should love how old you are.
43:51Oh, Cliff Richard.
43:55Oh, he was a terrible dancer, wasn't he?
43:57Crap.
43:59But his festive gravy recipe isn't proving such a hit.
44:01Gravy?
44:03Gravy recipe?
44:05What does Cliff Richard know about gravy?
44:07This is so random.
44:09What's that got to do with Cliff Richard?
44:11Why is it on the news?
44:13It's an unusual mix of different stock cubes,
44:15fried onions, wine
44:17and teriyaki sauce.
44:19Teriyaki sauce?
44:21It's Christmas Day.
44:23That's like when Aunty Jane put peppers in gravy.
44:25Whoever used a teriyaki sauce in Christmas gravy?
44:27He's not shoving that in, is he?
44:29One Michelin-starred chef has described it as vile.
44:31Vile?
44:33You're saying it's vile?
44:35Oh, that's mean, they shouldn't be bullying Cliff at Christmas.
44:37No, he's already been bullied enough in his life.
44:39For some, no meal is complete without it.
44:43I like my plate swimming with gravy.
44:45It's dripping off the plate onto the table.
44:47Yeah.
44:49Do you know what I do when I finish my dinner?
44:51I go...
44:53I always drink the gravy off the plate.
44:55I know you do.
44:57There is no meal that I wouldn't have gravy with.
44:59I've even had gravy in ice cream.
45:01Gravy, yes or no?
45:03If somebody came up to me with a microphone
45:05and said,
45:07gravy, yes or no?
45:09I'd say, that doesn't make sense.
45:11I'd say, just calm down.
45:13Yes.
45:15Yeah, right then, idiot!
45:17Look, she was... Of course.
45:19Yes!
45:21The great gravy debate has boiled over
45:23after this recipe revealed by Sir Cliff Richard.
45:25Oh, they had him on this morning, doing it.
45:27I do use teriyaki,
45:29soya and
45:31Worcester sauce.
45:33If I get that teriyaki, what shape is this?
45:35My gravy's fancy
45:37because I do it in a Pyrex glass jug.
45:39Yeah.
45:41Fancy.
45:43I'm plastic and I use a plastic jug
45:45and it's also the jug I used to wash the kids' hair.
45:47What do you think about the idea
45:49of putting teriyaki, Worcester sauce in a gravy?
45:51It's wrong.
45:53Wrong on every level.
45:55I have no words.
45:57Oh, he's got no words. He's fuming about it.
45:59Absolutely fuming.
46:01I think Cliff, you need to stick at what you're good at.
46:03Well, used to be good at.
46:05Used to be good at.
46:07I love how a national treasure is literally getting ripped
46:09off a prime time list
46:11over gravy.
46:13He's had a glittering musical career
46:15and he's been cancelled
46:17because of his gravy.
46:19That's his country now.
46:21That is his country.
46:27So what happens when the kids
46:29kiss goodbye to their mobiles?
46:31Emma and Matt Willis bring you Swipe,
46:33the school that bans smartphones.
46:35Stream now.
46:37From the ads to the munch,
46:39dive into the sparkly beast that is John Lewis
46:41at Christmas here on Channel 4.
46:43Up next with their unfiltered take
46:45on the news, it's the last leg.