Malcolm In The Middle Season 1 Episode 1 Pilot
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00:00The rest of my life, I'd still only see half of it.
00:05This is the left nostril of my brother, Reece.
00:09It squeaks all night long.
00:13These are the freezing cold feet of my little brother, Dewey.
00:18This is my oldest brother, Francis.
00:21He's the one I really like, so of course he got sent to military school.
00:26My name is Malcolm.
00:28You wanna know what the best thing about childhood is?
00:31At some point it stops.
00:34Yes, no, maybe.
00:38I don't know.
00:41Can you repeat the question?
00:45You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big.
00:51You're not the boss of me now.
00:54You're not the boss of me now.
00:57You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big.
01:03Life is unfair.
01:06It's your thing.
01:16You do what you wanna do.
01:18Malcolm, Reece, Dewey, get out of here!
01:20I can tell you who to sock it to.
01:25Who to sock it to?
01:26No!
01:27Stop!
01:28I'm not touching you!
01:29There are only two toaster waffles.
01:30One of you has to have cereal.
01:32You're cheating on your mind!
01:34Come on!
01:35Give it!
01:36You cheated!
01:37Give it!
01:38Give it!
01:39Give it!
01:41Look at this.
01:44They're sending an unmanned probe to Venus and letting a bunch of school children name it.
01:49Well, that's gonna end badly.
01:52They do this every month.
01:54He has sensitive skin.
01:56The hair gets itchy under his clothes.
01:58Yeah, it seems like such a shame to just dump this in the trash.
02:02Maybe birds would like to make nests with it, or...
02:05I don't know, maybe you boys could use it for school projects.
02:08Arms up.
02:12Dude.
02:13Malcolm, you come right home from school today.
02:15I made a play date for you with Stevie Canarbin, and you have to take a bath.
02:18What?
02:19Mom, no!
02:20Malcolm has a play date?
02:22Shut up, Reece!
02:23Was Stevie the Willie Canarbin?
02:25Oh, man!
02:28Why is playing a problem for you?
02:31First off, I don't even know Stevie.
02:34I saw his mother at the grocery store.
02:35She said you boys ate lunch together.
02:37One time!
02:39He rolled his wheelchair over next to me.
02:42It's not like I could say, go away.
02:44He's not even in my class.
02:46He's in the Crowboy class in the trailer next to Tetherball.
02:50You listen to me, young man.
02:52That one lunch obviously meant a lot to Stevie.
02:55He's a human being with human feelings.
02:58Now, you are gonna be friends with that crippled boy, and you're gonna like it.
03:01Understood?
03:02Yes, ma'am.
03:04Understood.
03:05If I give up now, I won't get the lecture.
03:08You kids.
03:09Dang.
03:10You just take your legs for granted, you know, like nothing could ever happen to them.
03:13Well, let me tell you something.
03:14That is just wishful thinking.
03:17There's meningitis.
03:18There are car accidents.
03:20I could be giving you a spanking and accidentally snap your spinal cord.
03:24Every day is a lottery, and first prize is that you don't have to scoot yourself around town on a skateboard with your hands.
03:30You think about that.
03:32I don't take my legs for granted, Mom.
03:35I know, honey.
03:36You're a good boy.
03:37Stop playing with yourself.
03:39Stop pushing me!
03:40Stop!
03:41Stop!
03:42Stop!
03:43Stop!
03:44Stop!
03:45Stop!
03:46Stop!
03:47Stop!
03:48Stop!
03:49Stop!
03:50Wait, wait, wait.
03:51Stop!
03:52What do you have to have egg salad?
03:53Okay?
03:54And don't ditch your little brother.
03:56I don't want him getting kidnapped.
03:58Yeah, Mom.
03:59That would be terrible.
04:01It's your turn to walk.
04:03I walked in yesterday and the day before.
04:06I walked with him when he wears pants.
04:08Okay.
04:16Mom said to hold hands.
04:18She did not say to hold hands, Dewey.
04:20I'm not holding hands.
04:21Come on.
04:22Hold hands, please.
04:23No!
04:24You're in the first grade.
04:25You're too big for that.
04:26Look.
04:27I'm walking right next to you.
04:28You'll be fine.
04:29Damn it!
04:30This is why everyone teases you.
04:31Hey, Malcolm.
04:32Hey, Richard.
04:33So my mom was telling my dad last night about your brother.
04:36She said he's in jail.
04:37He's not in jail.
04:38He's at Marlin Academy.
04:39It's like one of the best private schools in the country.
04:40And it's totally unfair.
04:41Everyone acts like Francis is just this big troublemaker.
04:42And he's not.
04:43Dad, I know what you're gonna say.
04:44And believe me.
04:45I totally agree with you.
04:46There is no excuse for what I did.
04:47It was idiotic.
04:48immature, totally reckless.
04:49It was idiotic.
04:50Immature.
04:51Totally reckless.
04:52It was idiotic.
04:53Immaturing.
04:54And I'm really sorry.
04:55I'm just...
04:56I'm hoping against hope.
04:57But...
04:58And you're gonna be the same girl.
04:59I'm not gonna do that.
05:00I'm not gonna do that.
05:01It's like a man.
05:02It's like a man.
05:04But...
05:05I can't do it.
05:06Yes.
05:07I can't do it.
05:08You're...
05:09Who...
05:10Who do you have any questions?
05:11It's...
05:12Who do you know?
05:13Have you done?
05:14I can't do it?
05:15I can't.
05:16I can't do this.
05:18I can't do it.
05:20I'm just, I'm hoping against hope that you will give me another chance, which I admit, I don't deserve.
05:27If you could just find it in your heart to forgive me, I know I could earn your trust back.
05:36It's not like it was even our car.
05:40It's fast, fast, fast.
05:43All right, here's how it works.
05:45You can beg for mercy on your belly, lick the bottom of my shoes, or take a beating.
05:53You must pick at least two, but, but, but, if you pick three, you get a pass for the next two weeks.
06:03All right, that's your best value.
06:05Dave's bad. He never gets sent anywhere.
06:10What do you do if he catches you?
06:12Roll on the ball.
06:13What if he starts kicking you?
06:14Stay in a ball.
06:15Okay.
06:17Come on.
06:21Wait.
06:25Never mind.
06:34Those of you finished with your tempera paints may bring your work up here and start on your charcoal still lifes.
06:40You may take two pieces of fruit only, and please be careful with them.
06:45I bought them with my own money.
06:48My own money.
06:51God, Malcolm, that's so good.
06:55Oh, Malcolm, this is wonderful.
07:07The perspective is good, the composition is clean, and it even shows signs of actual technique.
07:12I have to say, I have to say, this is the high point of my day.
07:18How's that for sad?
07:19Are you okay?
07:38Okay.
07:38Um, yeah.
07:40I'm fine.
07:42Malcolm.
07:43What?
07:43They need to see you in the office.
07:48Okay.
07:52I think they mean right now.
07:54Okay.
07:55Okay.
07:55Get up, Malcolm.
08:03Malcolm.
08:13Hi.
08:14I'm Carolyn.
08:15Want to have a seat?
08:20Are you Malcolm?
08:21Yes, and I didn't do anything.
08:23I mean, you're not in trouble, Malcolm.
08:25You're here because some of your teachers think you're, um, you know what?
08:31I just want to play some games with you, okay?
08:33Puzzles, stuff like that.
08:35Why?
08:36Boy, oh boy.
08:37You are a suspicious little dickens, aren't you?
08:42Okay.
08:43Now, you can look at this picture for 60 seconds, and I want you to tell me everything that's wrong
08:49with it, okay?
08:50The man only has four fingers.
08:52Right.
08:54But this time, I want you to take your time and really look at it.
09:00The car's shadow's going the wrong way.
09:02The steering wheel's on the wrong side.
09:04There's no brake pedal.
09:05The words in the mirror should be backwards.
09:08The guy's watch when it's at 12 o'clock if he's looking at a sunset, and I have red paint
09:13on my ass.
09:14That's right.
09:15Red paint all over my ass.
09:18I'm coming.
09:19I know.
09:21I know.
09:34I'm coming home, I've done my life.
09:52These are good cookies.
09:54Yeah, they're good.
10:02So what can you do?
10:03I mean, what do you want to do?
10:07I know a joke.
10:11Yeah?
10:12Okay.
10:15A guy goes into a bar, and he has a frog on his...
10:31Frog on his head.
10:33And the bartender...
10:37Wait, I screwed up.
10:41A frog goes into a bar.
10:47You want to watch TV?
10:50Can't.
10:51Not allowed.
10:52What?
10:53You mean, ever?
10:55You mean, ever?
10:57Mom says TV makes you stupid.
11:01No, TV makes you normal.
11:04How can they do that?
11:06He's in a wheelchair.
11:08So what do you do all day?
11:11Homework?
11:12Mostly...
11:13read...
11:15comics.
11:16You have comic books?
11:17You really have young blood, number one.
11:20You really have young blood, number one?
11:36Wanna read it?
11:38No way. I'd wreck it.
11:44Did you read the last savage dragon?
11:46When they split him in two?
11:48Yeah.
11:49Brilliant.
11:51I like how he never has to learn a lesson or anything.
11:54He just gets to pound on everything.
12:02We're under black and arrest.
12:05Think again, space, black foot.
12:09You cannot shave.
12:10Saturday morning is the only thing my family does better than anyone else.
12:17Damn.
12:18You boys, you keep this house clean till your dad comes home.
12:26Two of you can have slices of pizza for lunch.
12:28The other one can have, I don't know, I think they're peas.
12:32Somebody get back.
12:35No, no, no.
12:42Hello?
12:43Young Master Malcolm.
12:45Francis, hi.
12:47Hey, man, I wrote you guys a really long letter yesterday.
12:52But listen, they only gave me like three minutes or so.
12:54Would you put the special prosecutor on?
12:56Mom, it's Francis.
12:57Hey, Francis, how's school?
13:04Oh, couldn't be better, Mom.
13:06My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday.
13:10So, you know, between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homoeroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around.
13:17Well, honey, it's only until summer.
13:19Come on!
13:20Push it!
13:22Give it up, prom date!
13:24Yeah, listen, um, I know I shouldn't ask, but would you be able to send me my allowance like a couple weeks early?
13:32Because I kind of need to bust.
13:32Oh, my God.
13:33Are you smoking?
13:35What?
13:35I can hear you smoking.
13:37You're smoking, aren't you?
13:38Mom, I'm not smoking.
13:40Jeez.
13:41After seeing the anguish your father and I went through to quit, didn't any of that register with you?
13:48Okay, listen, I'll talk to your dad.
13:52Maybe we can send you part of it.
13:55Honey, I have to go.
13:56I'm late for work.
13:57I'll call you later.
13:58Okay, thanks, Mom.
13:59I love you.
14:02Oh!
14:03I love you!
14:10Somebody get the door!
14:13I'm not getting it.
14:14You get it, butt munch.
14:16Shut up.
14:17You shut up.
14:17No, you shut up.
14:18Make me!
14:19I'll make you right now!
14:23You better not be fighting in there, Reese.
14:26Malcolm!
14:30That's what I say!
14:31I said you better not be fighting in...
14:34No, no, no, no.
14:36Wow, Reese!
14:37Malcolm!
14:40Yes, can I help you?
14:45Oh, my goodness.
14:46Um, hi.
14:47Hello.
14:48I'm, are you...
14:49I'm Carolyn Miller from Malcolm School.
14:53I sent you some letters and left some messages on your answering machine.
14:58Okay, fine.
14:59You caught me.
15:00What do you want?
15:00Um, well, it's been three weeks and you haven't responded.
15:05And, um, it's really important.
15:06I mean, well, for Malcolm's sake, let the parents be as involved as...
15:10So, what?
15:11You're here to insult my parenting skills?
15:13No, I'm sure you're a terrific parent.
15:15I'm here because I think that there is a tremendous opportunity for...
15:28Could you, you know, maybe put a top on?
15:30They're just boobs, lady.
15:32You see them in the mirror every morning.
15:33And I'm sure yours are a lot nicer than mine.
15:35That's actually not the nature of my business here.
15:36You know what?
15:37I'm going to tell you something else.
15:38The reason I didn't respond is because it is a load of crap.
15:42What?
15:43You are not going to stick my Malcolm in some special ed class.
15:46What is it with you people?
15:47Why do you feel you have to label everybody?
15:50Malcolm may be a little strange.
15:51And I know, I know he never shuts up.
15:54But he is not disturbed.
15:55You know, he's a good boy.
15:57Please!
15:57You know what?
16:00You don't understand at all.
16:02Okay?
16:03So if I could just come in for a minute, I could explain everything.
16:07Okay?
16:07Okay?
16:27Wait, wait, wait, wait.
16:50There's something we have to talk about.
16:57I thought we weren't going to mention that in hell until after the biopsy.
17:02It's not that.
17:04It's about Malcolm.
17:05I didn't do it.
17:05You see, I saw him.
17:07A teacher from school came by, and she ran some tests with Malcolm.
17:13He has an IQ of 165.
17:17Who?
17:18Malcolm.
17:19He's a genius.
17:21He's going to special class.
17:23What?
17:24Malcolm's special?
17:26Where do you think that came from?
17:28They have a special program for gifted children.
17:30They have advanced textbooks and devoted teachers and all sorts of good things they don't want
17:34to waste on normal kids.
17:35You start on Monday.
17:37You're going to put them in the Krelboing class?
17:39Mom, no!
17:40I don't want to!
17:41What are you talking about?
17:43Of course you want to!
17:45No!
17:46I want to stay in my own class!
17:48I don't want to be a Krelboing!
17:50Mom, seriously.
17:52Krelboings get their butts kicked.
17:53Wait, just stop one minute!
17:55But there's nothing wrong with being smart.
18:00And there's nothing wrong with being cut from the herd.
18:03It makes you the one buffalo that isn't there when the Indians run the rest of them off the cliff.
18:08Huh?
18:09Mom, this isn't fair!
18:11If I don't want to go, why do I have to?
18:13Because it's not just up to you.
18:17We have to do what's best for you.
18:19Mom, please!
18:20Don't make me go!
18:21Please!
18:22Malcolm, calm down.
18:23But it isn't fair!
18:25That's right!
18:26It isn't fair!
18:28It's the first time anyone in this family has ever been given an edge,
18:31and you are not going to waste it!
18:33Dad!
18:34Honey?
18:35Well, look, honey, Malcolm, you see...
18:52Oh, for crying out loud, how come there's never any iced tea in this pitcher?
18:57I make a fresh batch every morning.
19:01It's gone by the time I get home.
19:03I want a better family!
19:06Malcolm!
19:08Look at that.
19:10Go on.
19:13I don't want to go to a special class.
19:16People think I'm weird enough already.
19:18I know.
19:19I like where I am.
19:20I want to stay.
19:21Sweetie, life does not give you a lot of chances to move up,
19:25even if you deserve it.
19:26Look at your dad and me.
19:29Malcolm, I'm proud of you.
19:32You boys are so lucky.
19:34You have so many gifts that other kids don't have.
19:37And I don't just mean Stevie Carnarvon, either.
19:41I mean, look at those Parker boys across the street.
19:44They may be healthy, but honest to God,
19:45those are the ugliest little boys ever born.
19:47They look like boiled beets, don't you think?
19:50And those Henderson kids that electrocuted their dog
19:54when they were trying to get free cable?
19:55How smart can they be?
19:57Just remember,
19:59any kid who makes fun of you
20:01is a creepy little loser who'll end up working in a car wash.
20:07This shouldn't make me feel better, but it does.
20:10You'll be all right, sweetie.
20:13If you don't make a big deal out of this,
20:16nobody else will either.
20:18And I just can't say enough about how proud we should all be of Malcolm
20:23for getting into the gifted program.
20:26Now, Malcolm may not look different than the rest of us,
20:29but he is.
20:31Very different.
20:32in his brain.
20:36And I think we should recognize him for that.
20:45Bye.
20:48Alrighty, today we are starting a new section on the Peloponnesian War,
20:52which I know you are all going to love.
20:55Malcolm?
20:56Are you okay?
21:03Uh, yeah.
21:06Fine.
21:07Alright.
21:08Excuse me.
21:13Stop staring at me!
21:17Stop staring at me!
21:17Stop staring at me!
21:19Stop staring at me!
21:21Stop staring at me!
21:23Why do they keep doing you?
21:30You're new.
21:32Oh, great.
21:33So I'm the freak of the freak show?
21:35Just chill out.
21:38Don't tell me to chill out.
21:40You chill out.
21:41Nobody can live like this.
21:43I'm okay.
21:44Oh, sure.
21:45You're okay because it doesn't make any difference to you.
21:49You've always been a freak.
21:51I used to be normal.
21:53Wait.
21:54Who just said that?
21:59You're going to take that the wrong way, aren't you?
22:03You suck.
22:12It's so cool!
22:16Around here, being smart is exactly like being radioactive.
22:20I can't believe them, don't you miss?
22:38Stevie?
22:39I can't believe them.
22:40I can't believe them.
22:41I can't believe them.
22:42I can't believe them.
22:43I can't believe them.
22:44I can't believe them.
22:45Stevie?
22:46Stevie?
22:47What?
22:48Look.
22:49Look.
22:50I...
22:51I...
22:52Scorped!
22:53Hey, Spad!
22:54Why do you stop being such a boatwife?
22:56What'd you call me?
22:57You heard me!
22:58I don't care anymore!
22:59I just don't care, Spad, okay?
23:00All you ever do is make everybody miserable, except for you little monkey slaves over there, who, by the way, only pretend to like you.
23:04They hate you as much as everyone else does, and you're just too busy being mean and stupid to ever figure it out.
23:11I keep trying to run, but my legs won't work.
23:12Mom was right.
23:13They are important.
23:14Wow.
23:15Wow.
23:16I don't know about you, but the Krell boy knows me, but you know, when you're looking at him.
23:18What?
23:19What?
23:20What's the name of your friend, O.K.?
23:21What?
23:22What?
23:23What?
23:24What are you doing?
23:25What are you doing?
23:26What?
23:27What?
23:28What?
23:29What?
23:30What?
23:31What?
23:32What?
23:33What?
23:34What?
23:35What?
23:36What?
23:37What?
23:38What?
23:39What?
23:40What?
23:41What?
23:42What?
23:43What?
23:44What?
23:45They really hurt my feelings.
23:52Hey!
23:53Go away, Stevie!
23:57It's good you two are friends.
23:59He won't mind sharing his wheelchair.
24:02Okay.
24:03This is where something good happens, finally.
24:06So we're gonna slow down and make it last as long as possible.
24:15The possible dream.
24:27Finale of scene.
24:32The moment that some call eternal.
24:37That some call insane.
24:45Dude, you're a cripple.
25:03I didn't mean to. I wasn't trying. Stevie, I'm sorry.
25:07I'm sorry.
25:20What's your problem?
25:22He's in a wheelchair idiot last week.
25:25No, bad asshole.
25:27What's your problem?
25:30I want to.
25:31I want to.
25:32I've seen better days.
25:34I don't stop.
25:41So then, the principal comes out and everyone's all talking at once.
25:46So the story he puts together is that Spath attacked Stevie for his lunch.
25:50And I'm like this hero that stepped in to defend him.
25:53It was beautiful.
25:55Okay.
25:56It wasn't funny once Spath started crying.
26:00No, wait.
26:01It was.
26:06Dad's hair.
26:08Ugh.
26:09Yeah.
26:10I know.
26:11It's gross.
26:12But hey.
26:13If a bunch of birds can make the best out of what they get, and so can I.
26:18Malcolm!
26:19My captain would go to special class.
26:21I can make it work out, right?
26:25Malcolm!
26:26Not now.
26:27Or my family.
26:28We're not the greatest family in the world.
26:31But we could get better.
26:33I mean, it's not impossible.
26:35Malcolm!
26:36What?
26:37Can I get out?
26:38No!
26:39Stop asking!
26:40So basically, I think everything's gonna be okay.
26:45A bug went up my nose.
26:48So what do you want me to do about it?
26:51Oh!
26:52I'm sorry.
26:53Yeah, I like that.
26:54Yeah!
26:55You should a bad boy.
26:56Don't go like that.
26:57Oh man.
26:58Well done.
26:59Yeah.
27:00Yeah.
27:01Well done.
27:02Maybe.
27:03Yeah.
27:04I do not see.
27:05Bye.
27:06Bye.
27:08Bye.
27:10Bye.
27:11Bye.
27:12Bye.
27:13Bye.
27:14Bye.
27:15Bye.
27:16Bye.
27:17Bye.
27:18Bye.