Malcolm In The Middle Season 1 Episode 2 Red Dress
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00What did you do?
00:08What?
00:09Don't give me that. What did you do?
00:11Nothing.
00:12Mom, I'm trying to study.
00:15Oh.
00:16I'm sure you don't mind if I, uh, took a look in here.
00:23Mom, I'm telling you, we didn't do anything.
00:26No, you boys are up to something.
00:28I can smell it.
00:34If you've broken another window, it is going to come out of your...
00:38Are you done? You want to frisk me?
00:44You just consider yourselves lucky.
00:48This time.
00:58That was close.
01:11Either she's losing her touch or we're getting better.
01:14Yes, no, maybe.
01:20I don't know.
01:23Can you repeat the question?
01:27You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big.
01:32You're not the boss of me now.
01:35You're not the boss of me now.
01:38You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big.
01:44Life is unfair.
01:47The good thing about being smart is I never have to look up any phone numbers.
01:57The bad thing is no one else in the family ever bothers to remember anything.
02:03Hey, Francis.
02:04You told me to remind you about Mom and Dad's anniversary.
02:07Ah, great.
02:09When is that?
02:10Today.
02:11Dude, you're supposed to remind me before so that I can get him something.
02:16That's okay.
02:17We'll put your name on our gift.
02:19Cool.
02:19Thanks, man.
02:20I owe you one.
02:21No, you owe me 20.
02:23That's where your share comes to.
02:25You got him an $80 gift?
02:27Uh, yeah.
02:40Oh, Craig.
02:42Happy anniversary.
02:4416 wonderful years to the same man.
02:46That hell is one lucky hombre.
02:49Craig, you shouldn't have.
02:51Oh, please.
02:53A special gift for a special lady on a special day.
02:58No, I mean, really, you shouldn't have.
03:00Aren't only husbands supposed to give you gifts?
03:03Fine.
03:03Throw it in the trash bin.
03:04Oh, hold on.
03:06Well, let's see what it is first.
03:08Oh, look at, I've been meaning to try this color.
03:14I know.
03:15I saw you eyeing it a couple weeks ago.
03:17I didn't know we carried this brand.
03:19We don't.
03:20So, where did you see me?
03:21So, uh, big plans for tonight?
03:23What are you going to be wearing?
03:25Oh, it's going to be great.
03:26I have the most perfect red dress.
03:29It took me two months to save up for it, but it was worth it.
03:34Oh, I've been fantasizing about this night forever.
03:38Oh, I've been fantasizing about this night.
04:08Craig?
04:23Oh.
04:24Yeah, yeah, uh, say, Lois, uh, you, you want to go catch a movie or something over lunch?
04:30They're playing my best friend's wedding over in electronics.
04:32Mm, no, thanks.
04:34I don't...
04:34Fine.
04:35Forget it.
04:40God!
04:41I'm okay!
04:42Are you boys almost finished robbing our present?
04:49I have to meet your father at the restaurant in ten minutes!
04:53More paper.
04:54I get to do the ball.
04:56Why'd she give you the money to buy the gift?
04:58Because she didn't want another karate video.
05:01It's karate.
05:03I get to do the ball.
05:05What'd we get them anyway?
05:06Picture frame.
05:07Brown noser.
05:09I get to do the ball.
05:11We're not finished yet!
05:12Yeah, but I get to do the ball.
05:15Yeah, but I get to do the ball.
05:15I get to do the ball.
05:45No, I wasn't supposed to do the ball.
05:51Well, you should have said something.
05:52I'm telling...
05:54Mom!
05:57No!
06:01Fire?
06:03Fire?
06:05Fire?
06:07Mom, what's...
06:08This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever done!
06:14Is this what you want?
06:16Where would we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records?
06:21I want a straight answer!
06:23Who did this?
06:25Malcolm did it!
06:26Reese did it!
06:26I didn't do it!
06:27I didn't do it!
06:29We're going to the dentist?
06:35Who?
06:36I don't like that one anyway.
06:46No!
06:46No!
06:47Not that one.
06:49Oh!
06:50Say, turn it out!
06:51Say, turn it out!
06:53Say, turn, me, turn, me, turn, me, turn, me, turn, me, turn, me, turn, me, turn, me.
06:56corrected me, méth,ichte me, rhythm, me,mn, me, erm, me, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
06:58It wasn't me, it was him.
07:00It was him, it was him.
07:01Hey, into the hallway.
07:04I don't think I'm gonna puke.
07:06Yeah, well, that's gonna be the highlight of your evening.
07:09Because nobody is going anywhere till one of you tells me who.
07:13And everything's all set up.
07:14I believe so, sir.
07:18Table 7, Chateau Brute 87, hors d'oeuvres medley.
07:22Yes, sir.
07:25Oh, jeez.
07:27One more thing.
07:28Almost forgot.
07:29See, my wife always orders lobster.
07:32So could you have the chef slip this on the lobster's claw just before you serve it?
07:38She gets such a kick out of stuff like that.
07:41Well, so do I for that matter.
07:43Not a problem, sir.
07:48The violinist has our song.
07:51He received the sheet music this morning.
07:54Good, good, good, good, good.
07:55You would be surprised how many times I've heard tears of a clown just butcher.
08:02Tell her.
08:03You tell her.
08:04Oh!
08:05Now she's on the bus and he's on the bus and he's on the bus and he's on the bus and he's on the tree.
08:08Okay, closer to the wall.
08:09Mom!
08:10Wait!
08:11Mom, seriously.
08:13It rakes over here.
08:14I can't help it.
08:16Okay.
08:17Into the TV room.
08:19Let's go.
08:19I'll give you five dollars if you tell mom you did it.
08:39You tell her you did it because I didn't do it.
08:42I really didn't.
08:43What are you eating?
08:45Nothing.
08:46Why don't you guys shut up so I can think of something?
08:49What's there to think of?
08:50There's nothing we can do.
08:52I've never seen mom so mad.
08:54Me either.
08:56Reese is right.
08:57We're out of our league.
08:59There's only one person who ever had mom this mad at them and survived.
09:05Hello?
09:05And she has your heads where?
09:13Under the couch.
09:14All because Reese won't admit he did it.
09:17You admit it.
09:18I didn't do it.
09:19Neither did I.
09:20Liar.
09:20Whoa, whoa, whoa.
09:21Chill.
09:21You are not going to get anywhere fighting with each other.
09:24Now, first of all, you all burned the dress.
09:27I didn't.
09:27Hey!
09:28You all did it.
09:29You have to stay together.
09:31You have to stay united.
09:32United against who?
09:34My mom.
09:35Nice.
09:36Okay.
09:37Now, no one broke so far, so you should be proud of yourselves.
09:40Did she do the toy thing yet?
09:42Yep.
09:43Spinning?
09:43Uh-huh.
09:45Okay.
09:46Good.
09:46I think I know where she's going.
09:48Separate interviews.
09:49Listen.
09:51When she gets you alone, she's going to pretend she's on your side.
09:55She's not.
09:59Go ahead.
10:00It's a name brand.
10:12I'm not mad at you.
10:14I know you didn't do this.
10:16You're a good boy.
10:18But I want you to help me find out who did.
10:21This is serious.
10:23One of your brothers could have burned the house down.
10:26And for that, he will be severely punished.
10:28But the one who helps me, who will be a very happy boy.
10:34And I want that to be you.
10:37Because you've always been the best one.
10:41You've always been the best one.
10:43You have always been the best one.
10:47Mom, honestly, I don't know who did it.
10:50I don't know.
10:51Well, I guess you boys think you've got your old mom over a barrel, huh?
11:01Well, we'll just see about that.
11:04If you boys want to play,
11:07we can play all night long.
11:27So,
11:30we're going to play.
11:31Bye.
11:32Bye.
11:34Bye.
11:35Bye.
11:36Bye.
11:37Bye.
11:37Bye.
11:38Bye.
11:38Bye.
11:38Bye.
11:39Bye.
11:39sir oh thank you thank you oh can i have another vodka martini please very good
11:56this time let's go olive onion olive why not
12:09what's that i can't hear you she's killing us
12:18nice is good meat is bad don't be mean cause meat is bad much is better than meat
12:31why does she have to ruin everything i love
12:35francis i'm just gonna tell her i did it i know it wasn't me but anything is better than this
12:42oh god oh that's it they tried that psych op stuff on noriega they said that by the end
12:50he wanted to cut his own ears off malcolm you cannot crack now she will own you for the rest of your
12:58life now listen to me malcolm you have to do exactly what i say
13:06don't be mean cause meat is bad nice is better than mean
13:13hot dogs are bad don't be a dog cause thugs are bad
13:18hot dogs are better than thugs did you see that hey francis is a genius come on sing louder
13:28nice is good nice is good mean is bad don't be mean cause meat is not nice
13:36oh your grandmother and all your friends are just gonna love this at your next birthday party
13:44you're kidding me okay just hang in there give me a minute to think
13:48okay damn she's good did they crack now dewey faked his stomach cramp bought him some time good man
13:57man if we would have had your mom and nam there'd be a mcdonald's in hanoi square right now
14:03dude there is a mcdonald's in hanoi square all right
14:08franklin i'm ready to order are you sure sir mm-hmm see in our family we have a saying
14:23after an hour eat without her if it's any longer something's wronger very catchy sir
14:33when life gives you lemons make lemonade franklin
14:35do you have any lemonade no sir oh you have lemons yes sir well i'll throw one in another
14:44martini and let's hear those specials
14:52what's she doing can't tell maybe she left yeah i'm sure she's gonna have to buy us all presents
15:01hooray man it's just too quiet out there it's driving me crazy maybe we should sing someone shut up dewey
15:15i wonder how many holes up in those tiles one hundred eighty six thousand four hundred eighty
15:29you counted all of those no you just count one tiles holes across and down multiply it then multiply it
15:38again by the number of tiles you're doing that more and more doing what that brain thing are you
15:50just gonna keep getting smarter and weirder i don't know well can you turn it down a little bit because
15:58i can't keep up with all these butt kickings what are you talking about well at least twice a day
16:05i have to whoop ass on some kid to call you a weirdo honestly it's exhausting you beat up people
16:13because they call me a weirdo but the last kid he was a freak anyways he was in no position to throw out
16:19names thanks for what nothing hey what am i thinking right now i'm smart i'm not psychic can you understand
16:39what dogs are saying no i can't oh boy
16:55i don't know who put you up to this sticking together garbage but i don't like it
17:01therefore you have forced me to do something terrible
17:03oh say goodbye to a cherished family member
17:10oh
17:20don't you dare
17:25and don't move a muscle
17:33hi lois look ed uh it's nine o'clock i'm a little busy right now well you see there's the problem
17:40it's nine o'clock at night and i keep hearing screaming now this didn't sound like your normal
17:45screaming it's it was more like killing screaming i'm not one to complain that's why we like you
17:51it's
18:02i'm not one to die
18:03in your room now
18:05nice place you got here thank you sir i like to create an atmosphere
18:17did you enjoy your meal sir well if you can call four olives two onions and a whole lot of alcohol
18:26meal then yes very good sir uh what have you got in the cologne department um were you looking for
18:38anything in particular well i've been thinking about a signature scent you see i i'd like to
18:44leave a room and have people say boy smells like hal in here but in a nice way right yeah
18:51uh you you strike me as a sandalwood sandalwood let's give it a smell see shall we
19:05huh yes that's quite nice here we go oh that's that it is quite nice
19:19you do a service to your craft sir this man is a genius
19:24snooty bastard you'd think this place would be the great equalizer huh
19:35and even the king looks like a fool when he's answering nature's call remember right
19:40well it's been a pleasure oh sorry have a good evening sir yes
19:57thank you for making eye contact with me
20:02boys i just i don't know what to do anymore i don't want to punish anyone all i want is the truth
20:16i don't know how things got this far but i just want it to stop
20:21nah they'll never buy it
20:26oh my god hal
20:44they saved the tv
20:50all right yeah beautiful you have her exactly where you want her totally crazy
20:57now it's time to take the offensive the offensive exactly she won't wait a minute
21:04did you hear breathing what
21:07mom
21:10welcome
21:23would you hang up the phone please
21:25hi mom happy anniversary
21:28not good not good what is it
21:31mom phone oh man oh man oh man we're gonna die
21:36that's it i gotta run away
21:39wait we can get out of this you have to use that brand of yours
21:43think think all i can think about is how hard he's fixing my nipple
21:50think think i got it
21:55i got it
21:59i can't believe you francis you think you are so clever turning them against me don't you
22:04no mom we did not send you to marlin academy so that you can
22:10undermine my authority long distance
22:17what did you send me
22:19well it was not so that you could undermine my authority long distance
22:35and if i am not mistaken you are undermining my authority what are you doing you're spending your
22:47anniversary at home fixating on stupid dress is that what you wanted to do tonight what
22:52am i supposed to do francis let it go yes that is exactly what you should do let it go
22:58but you can because you can never let anything go
23:01i can too let things go
23:05fine
23:06i can
23:06fine
23:07i can
23:08okay just forget i said anything
23:10i cannot talk to you anymore oh you make me so mad sometimes i just want to break your neck
23:19did you get the cookies they sent you
23:22yeah they were great
23:24good
23:24i swear to god on paper this was a great idea
23:47all right that's it get dressed we're going to dinner
23:56oh my god it did work
23:59what
24:01dinner
24:02i want to have you boys starving to death
24:04last thing i need is a bunch of social workers and reporters tearing up the front lawn
24:09now hurry up before i change my mind
24:11what about the dress
24:13i really liked that dress
24:16hey thanks for the ride tony
24:32hey it's all right now
24:35hello
24:37honey
24:42boys
24:45everybody home
24:48ha-cha
24:50this evening just keeps getting better and better
24:56i don't know
25:08i don't know
25:10i mean why would you want to get up put on your coat and get into your car when you're perfectly comfortable right where you are
25:15what do you care about eating a great big jumbo and you know the ones with the big pickled crunchy lettuce rice tomatoes
25:23no big deal right
25:25and why just serve yourself just for two all-piece patties
25:29some sweet cooked onions on a side
25:33oh no no
25:35oh jeez
25:39not again
25:40oh jeez
25:41not again
25:42oh jeez
25:43not again
25:44oh jeez
25:46not again
25:48oh jeez
25:50not again
25:52oh jeez
25:53not again
25:54oh jeez
25:55not again
25:56oh jeez
25:57not again
25:58oh jeez
25:59not again
26:00oh jeez
26:01not again
26:02oh jeez
26:03not again
26:04oh jeez