Malcolm In The Middle Season 2 Episode 1 Traffic Jam
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00:00When you say lifetime ban, I mean, whose lifetime are you talking about?
00:04Mom, let my feet touch the ground.
00:06Don't you ever ask me for anything ever again.
00:09I should have just given birth to chimps.
00:11Then at least I don't expect this kind of behavior.
00:14Ow! Believe it or not, I actually envy Dewey.
00:17You got to stay home and play with the babysitter.
00:20And then the ambulance came, but there was this balloon.
00:24And then I was chasing it, and then I didn't know where I was.
00:27And then I chased her back, and then I really didn't know where I was.
00:32Then I saw you, and I thought maybe you could help me.
00:35Because you helped that other girl, the one in the movie.
00:39So if you could just come to life and help me, I'd really appreciate it.
00:49Thanks anyway.
00:57You're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now.
01:07You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big.
01:13You're not the boss of me now.
01:16You're not the boss of me now.
01:18You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big.
01:25Life is unfair.
01:27It's 95 degrees outside.
01:46It's 110 in here.
01:49We have to run the heater so the radiator doesn't boil over.
01:52Al, stop swerving.
01:54This darn silver Toyota's been tailgating me for the last three miles.
01:58Just pull over and let him pass.
02:03Oh, flashing the bright.
02:05It's going to be like that, huh?
02:09Good Lord, hell, he could have a gun.
02:13Just let him pass.
02:15All right, silver Toyota, you win this round.
02:20Go ahead, get there two seconds sooner.
02:24Yeah, it's just an accident waiting to happen.
02:29A, B, C, D.
02:37A, B, C, D.
02:41A, B, C, D.
02:43It's a good thing I found you.
02:46It's not very safe for a little boy like you to be all by himself.
02:49A, B, C, D.
02:51Oh, don't you worry.
02:52I'm going to get you back home to your parents.
02:55A, B, C, D.
02:56They must be worried sick.
02:59A, B, C, D.
03:01A, B, C, D.
03:05It's E, dear.
03:06A, B, C, D, E.
03:09E.
03:10I know.
03:12A, B, C, D.
03:14A, B, C, D.
03:19Sugar, corn syrup, and gelatin.
03:24How can something so simple be so delicious?
03:27That stuff's nasty, Francis.
03:30To the unsophisticated palate, yes.
03:33But to me, the candy quack is nature's perfect food.
03:37I bet I could eat a hundred of them.
03:39No way.
03:40All that marshmallow would expand in your stomach.
03:43You wouldn't get past 50.
03:45Okay, that's where you're wrong, Joe.
03:47See, the marshmallow wouldn't expand.
03:50It would dissolve.
03:51I'd never get full.
03:53In fact, I don't think a hundred quacks can...
03:54Will you just shut up?
03:57I have sat back and said nothing
04:00while you've gone on and on
04:02about how you can eat a hundred of this
04:06and lift a hundred of that.
04:08The quacks would expand.
04:13You're an idiot if you think different.
04:16Okay, let me tell you something.
04:18If I say I can eat a hundred quacks,
04:22you can take that as a bona fide guarantee.
04:25And there's no need to resort to personal attacks
04:29because I'd hate to raise the whole issue
04:31of you wearing boxers in the shower.
04:38That was so cool.
04:48Did you see that chump jackknife flip over
04:51and that wheel fly through the air?
04:53An explosion would have been nice,
04:55but you can't have everything.
04:56Yeah, Reese.
04:57This is great.
04:58Now we're stuck here for hours
05:00with no food and no air conditioning.
05:03I guess it could be worse.
05:06I could be the guy in the silver Toyota.
05:11Why can't you just open one lane?
05:14Lady, we have to wait for the crane to get here
05:16before we can even think of opening this road to traffic.
05:18Yeah, but if you just moved a couple of those police cars,
05:21there'd be enough room to just pass on the shoulder.
05:23I mean, this is just plain stupid.
05:25Ma'am, don't call a police officer stupid.
05:28But that's a law now?
05:30Look, my freshman year,
05:33I ate seven pounds of grapes in one sitting.
05:36I think I know what my body is capable of.
05:38We're not talking about grapes, Francis.
05:41We are talking about pure sucrose.
05:44The human body simply cannot absorb the sugar in 100 quacks.
05:49Yeah!
05:51Hey, in extreme cases,
05:52the human pancreas has been known
05:54to increase its insulin production by up to 60%.
05:58Listen, your pancreas can produce enough insulin
06:01to fill a swimming pool.
06:03That doesn't mean squat.
06:05If your adrenal gland can't distribute it
06:07into your bloodstream fast enough.
06:09No!
06:12Gentlemen, gentlemen!
06:14This argument is pointless.
06:16One.
06:30One.
06:35Look, look, look at that.
06:36They're just standing around.
06:37You have 500 cars full of people
06:39who actually have someplace to go
06:40and they're just standing there talking.
06:42What is there to discuss?
06:44Hey!
06:45Let me clear something up for you!
06:47This is a car wreck!
06:49You're a road crew!
06:50Do your job!
06:52Boy, yeah.
06:54Are you even listening to me?
06:58That could have been me.
06:59Yeah, well, hell,
07:00it could have been all of us.
07:01Nope!
07:03No, that car was sliced
07:05right through the driver's seat.
07:06You and the boys
07:07would have walked away
07:08without a scratch.
07:09This totally sucks!
07:12It's like an oven out here!
07:14What is the point
07:15of wandering aimlessly
07:17through traffic?
07:18So you can find
07:19cool stuff like this.
07:22Ha!
07:23Smells like gasoline.
07:24Reese, can't we just go back
07:26to the car?
07:26My feet are killing you.
07:27Ice cream man!
07:29Ice cream man!
07:32Go away!
07:34There is no ice cream
07:36in the truck!
07:37He is lying!
07:39There's tons of ice cream
07:40in there!
07:42The ice cream
07:43in the truck
07:44is not for sale!
07:47It is against the law
07:48for me to sell ice cream
07:50in the middle of traffic!
07:52This is just wrong!
07:54You can make money
07:55and please children!
07:57This is a senseless act!
07:59You are evil!
08:00Pure evil!
08:01Yeah!
08:02If you kids are not willing
08:04to discuss this sensibly...
08:06You son of a...
08:12Look, there's nothing
08:13you can do!
08:14Yes, there is!
08:15I can...
08:16I can...
08:17Oh!
08:18And the Nobel Prize
08:25goes to...
08:26Hey, you're talking
08:27about my brother.
08:29Good one.
08:31I'm Jessica.
08:32Gray Volvo.
08:33Malcolm.
08:34Crappy minivan.
08:36Do you want to go
08:36check out the crash site?
08:37Sure.
08:39You know,
08:39my dad practically
08:40caused it.
08:41Wow.
08:42What time is it now?
08:47It's still four o'clock.
08:49You have to wait
08:49at least a minute
08:50for the time to change, dear.
08:52What time is it in China?
08:54Well, sweetie,
08:56I think there are
08:57a good 20...
08:58Do you speak Chinese?
09:00Well, no.
09:01Is Chinatown in China?
09:03Honey,
09:03if you want an answer
09:06to a question,
09:07you have to first wait...
09:08What is this, Toadu?
09:10You know what?
09:11I need to buy
09:12a pack of cigarettes
09:13for the first time
09:15in 20 years.
09:25Grape juice, please.
09:33Help!
09:35Help!
09:36Help!
09:37Toadu, toadu, toadu!
09:38Take away!
09:38Help!
09:39The house of the rising sun
09:56Woo!
10:04Huh?
10:09think about it lois i stopped to tie my shoe in the parking lot if i hadn't done that we would
10:24have been on the road 20 seconds sooner i would have been 200 yards ahead of where i was
10:28and then i would have been the silver toyota and if you hadn't rented body heat we never
10:35would have had dewey it's all an intricate tapestry hal ma'am yes did you ask your supervisor yes and
10:44this phone is for emergency roadside assistance only ma'am i can't connect you to a private line
10:50look i have got to get through to my babysit look just just let me talk to the supervisor
10:55one moment ma'am hello this is the supervisor nobody isn't you're just disguising your voice
11:06no i'm not i'm really the supervisor you can't do this ma'am i'm about to be replaced by a machine
11:13i can do whatever i damn well please hey where do you think you're going young lady
11:19it's okay my dad's an investigator for the d.i.t oh there he is hi daddy
11:25okay
11:30whoa your dad's a crash investigator here's a little secret malcolm whenever you want something
11:40everybody's your dad hi daddy
11:43okay she's cute she's smart and she even lies to cops i may be in over my head here
11:5646 47 48
12:06okay
12:18okay
12:20okay
12:24okay
12:26okay
12:28okay
12:30okay
12:34okay
13:01okay
13:03okay
13:33Sixty-one!
13:37Sixty-two!
13:41Sixty-three!
13:45Sixty-two!
13:48Sixty-one!
13:51Sixty-two!
13:54Sixty-three!
13:57Malcolm, you have got to check out this view.
14:00Ow! I hate pricker bushes. What fruit are they trying to protect anyway?
14:05Do you see anything on here worth protecting?
14:09What are we doing up here?
14:10Just enjoying the sights.
14:16And check out that crazy lady.
14:24So, tell me about this gifted class.
14:26It's horrible. I'm surrounded by crowboys.
14:29I have to do twice as much homework as anyone else in my grade.
14:33I have to take all these college prep classes and...
14:35Oh, what a nightmare. If you're not careful, you might get a full scholarship to Harvard.
14:40You don't understand.
14:41Malcolm, you've been bellyaching non-stop for an hour and a half.
14:47Seriously, all you do is bitch.
14:49I happen to bitch the perfect amount for someone in my situation.
14:53Today is the perfect example. Look at this mess.
14:56What's good about this?
14:58Well...
15:00If it weren't for this...
15:04We never would have met.
15:05How could I not see they're coming?
15:20This girl is incredible!
15:21Ah!
15:23Ow!
15:25Ow!
15:27Friggin' place.
15:31When I keep rolling it around in my head, how much time do I have left?
15:37And what have I done with my life?
15:39I mean, what is my contribution?
15:40You go home at night knowing that you have helped to make the world a better place by forging that thin blue line.
15:49And that is real, man!
15:52If I could just once feel that sense of accomplishment...
15:58Do you know how special you are?
16:01Do you?
16:06Z...
16:08Y...
16:11X...
16:15W...
16:23Okay, let me get this straight.
16:25We have been waiting all afternoon for a crane, and now the crane is here!
16:31That's right.
16:33And the man who works the crane, he's here too!
16:36That's right.
16:41Then why is nothing happening?!
16:44Look, we can't touch anything until the investigators sign off on the accident report.
16:49Okay, but they must have been dead hours ago. Where are they?
16:52That's a whole nother department. It's really not my job to know.
16:55Start... the... crane!
17:07You can't tell me what to do.
17:09Hey, I'm not so fast, Charlie!
17:10Ah, let go of me!
17:11What do you think you're doing, huh?
17:12Nothing! Just going for a walk!
17:13What the hell's going on?!
17:14This kid was trying to break into your truck!
17:15Let go of me! I just want some damn ice cream!
17:16You don't deserve ice cream!
17:17Yeah, well you don't deserve to be an ice cream man!
17:18Ow!
17:19Come here, you pup, you little pup!
17:20That will teach you to mess with me!
17:21I was a sturgeon in my country!
17:22What do you think you're doing, huh?
17:23Nothing! Just going for a walk!
17:25What the hell's going on?!
17:26This kid was trying to break into your truck!
17:28Let go of me! I just want some damn ice cream!
17:31You don't deserve ice cream!
17:33Yeah, well, you don't deserve to be an ice cream man!
17:36Ow!
17:38Come here, you pup, you little pup!
17:40That will teach you to mess with me!
17:43I was a sturgeon in my country!
17:52Come on, come on!
18:22Ah! Looks like the human body can only accept 96 quacks. Check and mate.
18:35Come on, Francis. Just four more. You can do it.
18:40Get quacks dying.
18:45Hey, no one said he had to eat all the quacks. They just have to be inside his body, right?
18:53Yeah. Yeah, that's it. That's what I heard.
18:57Come on. Come on, Francis. Come on, Francis, come on.
19:01Come on. Come on, Francis, come on.
19:05Oh, he did it! 100 quacks! Yeah!
19:11You got heart.
19:18Hey, way to go, Francis. Man, that was way cooler than the time Davis did a thousand sit-ups.
19:24Impossible. I mean, Davis is in pretty good shape, but a thousand sit-ups?
19:29You're just begging for a double hernia.
19:31Man, it's that kind of small-minded thing that keeps you from recognizing true greatness.
19:36What are you talking about? What are you talking about? A thousand sit-ups are you crazy?
19:42You're always arguing about something, man. Can't even have this for anybody.
19:53Pleasure doing business with you, pal.
19:56Nice moves out there, Aaron.
19:59And here's your share, Mr. Wells.
20:01That man left us no choice.
20:13Try the green one!
20:20Come on out of there, ma'am.
20:21You ordered them to move this thing!
20:24Let's just get you out of the crane, and then we'll have a little talk.
20:28Don't you dare patronize me!
20:32Okay, you don't want to be patronized? I'll be blunt.
20:34You're a control freak.
20:36I see them all the time.
20:38But guess what? This is a traffic jam.
20:40It is out of your control.
20:42Yeah, but I...
20:43You can't boss it around.
20:44You can't yell at it and expect it to listen.
20:47I have...
20:48It will end when it ends!
20:51You just have to live with it.
20:53There's absolutely nothing you can do about it.
20:56Who's damn dog is this?
21:22I thought, whose damn dog is this?
21:27It's trapped inside.
21:29All the windows are rolled up.
21:30It's like 90 degrees out here.
21:36Okay.
21:37Okay.
21:39If it's nobody's damn dog,
21:41then I guess nobody's going to mind
21:43if I just do this.
21:44Oh, don't be scared, little doggie.
21:56Oh, no, everything's going to be up.
22:15Oh, poor thing.
22:20Okay, I got it.
22:22I was hoping I could deliver a baby
22:24in a taxi cab or something,
22:26but life is a life.
22:30Oh, now look at you.
22:32Huh?
22:33How'd you get like this?
22:36Here you go, pal.
22:37Here you go.
22:44I'm impressed.
22:56You actually have a working first aid kit.
22:58We used to, but my brother ate all the band-aids.
23:01I think you'll live.
23:02You know, I was thinking,
23:04maybe sometime we can do something.
23:06It'd be cool if...
23:09You're from Canada?
23:12We're here on vacation.
23:14Why didn't you tell me?
23:22Because then he would have spent
23:23the whole day grousing.
23:25I knew this was too good to be true.
23:28I mean, why should I get to meet someone
23:30who's smart, funny, not a crowboy,
23:32not a member of my family?
23:34But we did meet Malcolm.
23:36And it was awesome, you know?
23:38It's okay to enjoy something
23:40even if it's just for a little while.
23:42Come on, we had fun.
23:44No, we didn't.
23:46You just said we did.
23:48That was before I knew
23:49this was all a big waste of time.
23:52Yeah!
23:55Doobie, come back to the car, honey.
23:58Bobby, get a move on, sport.
24:01Malcolm, race!
24:03Smile!
24:03I gotta go.
24:05Just pull out, Hal.
24:11I am waiting my turn.
24:15Malcolm!
24:19Malcolm!
24:20Here's my phone number!
24:21Call me!
24:22A whole gang.
24:44Thanks!
24:44KAMP!
24:45What?
24:45What?
24:46What?
24:46Let it be!
24:47We究楓?
24:48Okay?
24:48People have事?
24:48Tell me.
24:49We究red me?
24:49We지는?
24:49What's going on?
24:50A п?
24:51that was so much fun who would have thought a traffic jam would be so cool we should totally
25:09do this again when are we going on another road trip oh how about next week
25:14see you kid bye Santa
25:23hi mom Dewey where's the babysitter she went away you got rid of another babysitter
25:43what is wrong with you kids then I drove off with potato chip man then I picked apples
25:50then we all went to jail then I played the drop
26:13so
26:20you
26:26you
26:33you
26:37you
26:37you
26:44you