Murphy Brown Season 7 Episode 5 Burger, She Wrote
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00John Baldwin and Jim got a slew
00:04I made a big, big, little old you
00:06Walk me a whip to make a big pin on the way
00:10Boy, it's great just to stay out there on the way
00:18Know a spot and I get a lot on the way
00:24Took the road to look out here
00:27All right, people, listen up.
00:31As you all know, next week is our special election night coverage.
00:35Now, I know we're all human and we have our own opinions,
00:39but let's remember to keep them to ourselves.
00:41Frank.
00:42What? I didn't do anything.
00:44Oh, come on, Frank.
00:46Last time when Jim announced Jesse Helms won by a landslide,
00:49you spent water all over the teleprompter.
00:52I'm thinking of something Bob Saget said on America's Funniest All Ride.
00:57It won't happen again.
01:00So next week, if Jim should happen to announce
01:02that the newest member of the Senate is, say, Oliver North...
01:05Maybe I, uh, I just want a drink on this set.
01:14Make way, hot soup.
01:16Murphy Brown coming through with something you'll all want
01:19but you can't have because it's mine.
01:21Murphy, what is this?
01:23We have work to do.
01:24This is more important, Miles.
01:25Okay, everybody, form a semicircle.
01:28Now, I want you to guess
01:29what beloved American institution is under this tarp.
01:33And no, it's not Maury Amsterdam.
01:36Give up.
01:38Ta-da!
01:38Meaty Boy, FYI, FYI, Meaty Boy.
01:47Look, he's smiling.
01:48I think he likes you.
01:50What is it?
01:51Oh, come on, Miles.
01:52It's Meaty Boy from Meaty Boy Burgers.
01:55Oh, very cool, Murph.
01:57Oh, Murphy.
01:59It used to be just things that could fit into your purse.
02:01But swiping Meaty Boy?
02:04Murphy, I didn't swipe him.
02:06The last Meaty Boy restaurant was being torn down
02:09and I just had to have him.
02:10It came down to an intense bidding war
02:12between me and Jay Leno.
02:14I think he wanted him out of circulation
02:16because of the eerie resemblance.
02:20Wait a minute.
02:21You mean you actually paid money for this?
02:24What does it do?
02:26Do it?
02:27What does it do?
02:28What does the Mona Lisa do?
02:30What does the Venus de Milo do?
02:32It's Meaty Boy, Miles.
02:33Don't you remember Meaty Boy?
02:35No.
02:35Oh, who could forget him?
02:38Why, back in my cub reporter days,
02:40out on the road,
02:41I'd see his rotund little belly
02:43beckoning me from the interstate
02:45and I couldn't help but pull over.
02:47Meaty Boy restaurant was always familiar.
02:49A little touch of home,
02:51no matter where I was.
02:53Of course, the food was always tasteless
02:54and laden with grease.
02:57Atrocious, really,
02:58but then you knew it would be
02:59and that was a comfort.
03:00Meaty Boy gave me my very first summery job.
03:06They started me on shakes.
03:07A week later,
03:08I moved up to Fry's.
03:09By the end of the summer,
03:10I was the voice of the drive-thru.
03:13They even entrusted me
03:15with the recipe for their secret sauce.
03:18Wasn't that just relish and mayonnaise?
03:20Who told you?
03:23Gee, where I grew up,
03:25only dweebs worked at Meaty Boy.
03:27Oh, yeah?
03:28Well, where I come from,
03:29working at Meaty Boy
03:30was cooler than being on the football team.
03:32Really?
03:33Even with the hairnets?
03:36So, allow me to summarize
03:38the Meaty Boy experience.
03:41Inedible food covered by a lousy secret sauce
03:44served to you by a dweeb and a hairnet.
03:47Gee, I can't imagine
03:48why they went out of business.
03:50You're missing the point, Miles.
03:52Meaty Boy wasn't just a restaurant.
03:54Some of the biggest moments in my life
03:56happened at Meaty Boy.
03:57First date,
03:58first time somebody tried to fuel me up
04:00in the back seat of a car.
04:03First time I broke a guy's arm
04:04in two places.
04:07Hey, Murph,
04:08remember the song?
04:10Turn off that TV.
04:12Put down that cigarette.
04:15Drive on down to Meaty Boy
04:16for the very best food.
04:18You bet!
04:18Wait, wait!
04:19I know that song!
04:21My Uncle David, the cardiologist,
04:22used to whistle it
04:23as he sucked the fat
04:24out of his patient's clogged arteries.
04:27You know what your trouble is, Miles.
04:29You're just not a fun guy.
04:30You've got no sense of whimsy.
04:32Hey, I've got whimsy.
04:34Are you forgetting
04:34the flying toaster screensaver
04:36on my computer?
04:38I stand corrected.
04:39You're a human whoopee cushion.
04:41Come on, Meaty Boy.
04:42Time to see your new digs.
04:44Everybody now,
04:45put two hands on that burger.
04:47Look down, it's gonna spur.
04:49To fight the locker that I am ready for dessert.
05:01Hi, I'm Murphy Brown,
05:03and you are?
05:04The Amazing Escapo.
05:06And now, for my next trick,
05:13I shall escape from the chair of doom.
05:17I shall simply place these restraints
05:19securely around my wrists,
05:21and remember,
05:22at no time during the performance
05:23are you to help
05:24The Amazing Escapo.
05:26I'll try to resist.
05:30Now, if my lovely assistant
05:32will place the blindfold
05:33over my eyes,
05:35and place this gag
05:37in my mouth.
05:39Gladly.
05:39Mm-hmm.
05:42Mm-hmm.
05:43Mm-hmm.
06:07Mm-hmm.
06:09Good morning, meaty boy.
06:21Meaty boy?
06:29Very good, people.
06:31Very good.
06:33Yes, nobody enjoys a good practical joke more than Murphy Brown,
06:37and this one's a doozy.
06:39But it's over now.
06:40Where's my meaty boy?
06:41Where is he?
06:42I don't understand, slugger.
06:44Is the chubby little tank missing?
06:45As if you didn't know.
06:46Where have you got him?
06:47Under a desk?
06:48In the Xerox room?
06:50Or did he just tiptoe out of here on his big flat feet?
06:53She's right.
06:54Somebody took meaty boy.
06:56Really?
06:57Who did that?
06:58Maybe he checked the gym.
07:00Maybe he's on the treadmill working off four decades of saturated fat.
07:03Who knows?
07:05Maybe he got lucky and found a meaty girl.
07:07All right, pun's over.
07:12From here on in, it just gets ugly.
07:14Oh, come on, Murph.
07:15Nobody took your statue, although the way it's getting under your skin, I kind of wish we had.
07:19If my meaty boy is not returned by noon today in pristine condition, no things, no dents, I will have you all killed.
07:28All right, what's going on?
07:34Oh, somebody stole Murphy's stupid meaty boy and she thinks we did it.
07:39Like any of us have the time to haul around 50 pounds of greasy plaster.
07:43Hmm.
07:44Interesting, 50 pounds.
07:46I don't recall disclosing how much said aforementioned meaty boy weighed.
07:51And yet, plus or minus 25 pounds, you managed to get it right on the handle.
07:56How do you explain that?
07:57Corky!
07:57Oh, come on, Murph.
07:59Corky didn't steal anything.
08:01Maybe you're right, Frank.
08:03Maybe it wasn't, Corky.
08:04Maybe it was you.
08:06Or is there some other reason your eyebrow is twitching?
08:09My eyebrow is not twitching.
08:11Oh, please, Frank, it's practically spelling out, I did it, and more so.
08:14All right, now, now, before you accuse me of taking part in this senseless tomfoolery,
08:19let me assure you that my alibi is airtight.
08:22Last night, Doris and I scrubbed the mildew off the underbelly of the antique tub in our guest bathroom.
08:28Then we exchanged peppermint cream foot rubs and we're denned to the world by 9 p.m. shop.
08:33I believe you, Jim.
08:36That's far too vivid to be made up on this phone.
08:42And miles.
08:43What?
08:44Hey, I've got an alibi, too.
08:46That's okay.
08:47Your personality is your alibi.
08:50We're all off the hook.
08:51Look what just came over the facts.
08:54Oh, my God, it's Meaty Boy.
08:56He's blindfolded and holding a newspaper.
08:59At least we know the little tag's still alive.
09:02Oh, and the Dow Index went up 30 points.
09:05I am sorry, but somebody has just a little too much time on their hands.
09:10Why was I even considering you amateurs?
09:13Whoever did this is good.
09:15Very good.
09:17But mark my words, they're no match for Murphy Brown.
09:20Remember when something...
09:22Hello, everyone.
09:25Oh, hey, Jim.
09:27Make her stop.
09:28Meaty Boy's kidnapped for St. Murphy a tape,
09:30and she's making us listen to it over and over and over.
09:33Okay, now, pay close attention.
09:35Notice the sound in the background.
09:37If we can identify it, it just might need us to Meaty Boy.
09:41Murphy, it's Meaty Boy.
09:44Murphy, why won't you help me?
09:47You hear that?
09:54Right at the end, that woo-woo sounds like a train.
09:58Woo-woo.
09:59Yes, you're right.
10:00Unless I miss my guess, that's the 1015 to Baltimore.
10:03And wasn't that the unmistakable sizzle of Salisbury steak
10:07being served in the dining car?
10:08Oh, for heaven's sake, give it a rest.
10:10Will you?
10:12What have you got for me, Phil?
10:13Oh, I'm sorry, kid.
10:16I scoured this whole town.
10:18I came up empty.
10:19Great.
10:20Guy who knows everything couldn't even...
10:23Wait a minute, Phil.
10:27Where were you when Meaty Boy disappeared?
10:32Okay.
10:34You caught me.
10:35I confess.
10:37For 50 long years,
10:39I've been scheming to make Meaty Boy mine.
10:42I'm not really Phil, you know.
10:44I'm Paul LaFontaine,
10:46international art thief.
10:48I run this restaurant as a front.
10:50I've been slinging hats for years,
10:52just waiting for my chance,
10:54and then you deliver him right to me.
11:06Not Phil.
11:08He's got a blue name with 279 firm possibilities.
11:14Is Bob Dole on there?
11:15Got him.
11:15Barbara Walton.
11:16Got her.
11:16You're coming.
11:17Got a star by his name.
11:20I don't see Dan Quayle on here.
11:23I thought about him,
11:24but the person who did this
11:25had to be able to operate a fax machine.
11:28Okay.
11:30Woo-hoo.
11:31Look at the time.
11:32I'm late for my appointment at the sound lab.
11:34I'm having the tape digitally analyzed
11:36by the same guys who worked on the Zefruiter film.
11:38See you.
11:41Dear Lord,
11:42she's a woman possessed.
11:43Well, let's face it,
11:45no one has ever one-upped her like this.
11:47Hey, I don't know who it is,
11:48but you've got to hand it to them,
11:49and they know exactly how to get to her.
11:51Yep.
11:51Whoever did this was brilliant.
11:53Doublessly clever.
11:54A true mastermind.
11:56A true mastermind.
12:09What's that in, Miles?
12:11It was me.
12:12It was me.
12:14What are you talking about?
12:16Brilliant.
12:17Clever.
12:17A mastermind.
12:18Me, me, me.
12:19I did it.
12:20You did it.
12:22Yeah, I did too.
12:23Yeah, you were with us when the fax came in.
12:25How'd you do that, David Copperfield?
12:28I used the timer on the fax machine.
12:30No biggie.
12:31What about the weird tape?
12:33Murphy, it's megaphone.
12:37Murphy, why won't you help me?
12:41It was you.
12:43Yep, it was me, Captain No Fun.
12:46The office downer.
12:47Pretty whimsical, huh?
12:49What do you think of me now?
12:55Have you lost your mind?
12:58What do you mean?
12:59You said whoever did this was brilliant.
13:01Clever.
13:02A genius.
13:03That's before we knew it was you.
13:05You have any idea what she'll do to you when she finds out?
13:09Tip her hat.
13:12Shake my hand?
13:14But she was enjoying this.
13:15She said she was having fun.
13:17Sure, she's having fun.
13:18Just like a cheetah has fun when it's chasing an antelope.
13:21But the second the cheetah sinks its teeth into the antelope's neck, the fun is pretty much over for the antelope.
13:27Yeah, she's all that fighting and ripping and tearing.
13:31Oh, God.
13:33I pumped the cheetah.
13:36Why couldn't I just get my head down in the watering hole with the other antelopes?
13:40That's what I do now.
13:42Oh, God.
13:43Oh, God.
13:43Oh, God.
13:45Sure.
13:46Now you go calling on God when you're about to be disemboweled.
13:50But does he ever hear from you when it's just pretty day?
13:55You're a jitter.
13:55Oh, Jerry.
13:57You have to be the boy out of there without her seeing you.
13:59Now you sneak in there tonight and you put him back.
14:01Yes.
14:02And if anything goes awry, there's a midnight plane to Buenos Aires.
14:05Don't bother packing.
14:07Just grab your passport and a toothbrush.
14:09Good luck, son, and trust no one.
14:11All right, I'll do it.
14:14But at least it could be this.
14:17It was a pretty good prank, right?
14:19The Bay of Pigs was a pretty good prank.
14:21This was just stupid.
14:27Hey, guys.
14:29How did Murphy react when you got meaty boy back?
14:31I don't know.
14:32She's been in there with the door closed ever since we got here.
14:34I'm just glad this whole thing is over.
14:36It'd be nice to have some peace and quiet around here.
14:38What?
14:41Can you find out what time Barbara Bush is due at her hairdressers?
14:44You know, an assistant there who's on the tape.
14:46What do you think George will like old Babs who's a brassy redhead?
14:49Murphy?
14:51Hasn't anyone returned meaty boy yet?
14:54Yeah, right, Corky.
14:55Amelia Earhart dropped him off this morning.
15:01That's right.
15:02Two dozen roses to Annette Bening in Los Angeles
15:04and sign the card,
15:06Dear Madonna, Thanks for Last Night, Love Warren.
15:11One more now.
15:12Uh, what's up, Murph?
15:14I'll tell you what's up, Frank.
15:15This has gone from mildly amusing to sort of intriguing
15:18to really ticking me off.
15:20I don't have time for surgical strikes.
15:21This calls for a mass assault.
15:23Uh, you know, maybe I'm nuts,
15:26but I have a really good feeling
15:28that meaty boy is going to be back here very soon.
15:31Really, Frank?
15:33A good feeling.
15:34That's very reassuring.
15:36But it doesn't bring my meaty boy back.
15:39No.
15:39Uh, I don't know, Slugger.
15:41Maybe you ought to let this one go.
15:43I mean, a lot of innocent people might get hurt.
15:45What can I say?
15:46War is hell.
15:47It's rum.
15:49Where do you want this?
15:50Oh, right there is fine.
15:52I bet heads will roll
15:56when Donald and Marla wake up
15:58to find themselves in the luxurious penthouse
16:00of the Rump Tower.
16:04Look, I don't mean to be rude,
16:05but if you're not part of this illusion,
16:07you're part of the problem.
16:08Boy, we'll just be on time.
16:12Come on, Oz.
16:13What's going on?
16:14Where's meaty boy?
16:15You said you were going to put him back.
16:17I was.
16:18I set my alarm for the middle of the night
16:19so I could sneak him in without getting caught.
16:21But I was so nervous I couldn't sleep
16:23so I had some more milk.
16:24But that didn't work,
16:25so I put some brandy in it.
16:26When that didn't help,
16:27I had half the Xanax.
16:28My alarm rang for two hours
16:30before the neighbors broke down the door
16:31and shook me out of my stupor.
16:34The time for tech is over, Fiat.
16:37Go in there now,
16:38admit what you did,
16:39and take your punishment like a man.
16:42Look, look.
16:43You said I should keep the secret
16:44until the day I die.
16:45Son, that day is at hand.
16:49A woman is in there
16:50orchestrating the demise
16:51of half of the Western Hemisphere.
16:53She must be stopped.
16:55Which one of you guys
16:56would set up a Gwynn's hat?
17:03Yes.
17:04I'll hold.
17:06Oh, excellent.
17:07We have liftoff.
17:09Murphy, we need to talk.
17:11Yeah, Miles.
17:12I promise I'll get back
17:13to my election story
17:14as soon as I take care
17:15of a few things.
17:17Look.
17:18Just fling open the shower door,
17:20snap the picture,
17:21and get the hell out of there.
17:22Do I have to explain
17:23everything to you?
17:25Murphy, Murphy,
17:26this has gone too far.
17:27Listen to me.
17:31I took meaty boy.
17:32Yeah, that's a good one.
17:40Come on, Miles.
17:41I know what you're doing.
17:43I promise I'll get back
17:44to my story
17:45as soon as my little spree
17:46is finished.
17:47No, really.
17:47I have him.
17:48He's lying on the couch
17:49in my apartment right now.
17:52Oh, Miles.
17:54Poor, sweet, deluded Miles.
17:57That is so cute.
17:59But this is a prank
18:02so advanced,
18:03so cleverly orchestrated
18:05that even I can't figure out
18:06how it was done.
18:08This is the work of a master.
18:10I'm telling you,
18:11it was me.
18:12Murphy, it's meaty boy.
18:16Why won't you help me?
18:21Miles, that is the most
18:22pathetic impression
18:23of meaty boy
18:24I could ever imagine.
18:25I'm gonna get this call.
18:27It might be Letterman
18:27looking for Paul Schaefer.
18:29You don't believe me?
18:31Hello.
18:32It's George Will.
18:34Yes, George.
18:35Yes, I have your precious
18:37little autograph
18:38Ty Cobb outfielder's knit,
18:40and you'll get it back
18:41just as soon as I get
18:42my meaty boy.
18:42All right, fine.
18:44Maybe I'll just go home
18:44and get him right now.
18:45What do you think of that?
18:46Fine, you do that.
18:48Oh, George,
18:49don't pretend you don't know
18:50what I'm talking about.
18:52And stop crying.
18:53You're only making things worse.
18:54Ha!
18:55He's just over,
18:59but, well,
18:59what are you saying
19:00to me about this thing?
19:02Nice to know, man.
19:04Thanks, George.
19:05Big help.
19:07Go ahead.
19:08I'm going to hurt myself.
19:11Oh my god, I'm paced.
19:14Thank you for stopping my
19:16stupid meaty boy.
19:19Ow, my head.
19:20I feel like a complete idiot, got a huge blind spot here, I can get a ticket for this, come on, I'll break free, just paint on my desk, paint on my desk, what?
19:44Come on, come on, move, move, move, I got nowhere to go!
20:14Revolving door, what genius man are these, how many people are here, they're killed in these things, we should do an expose.
20:29Come on!
20:30Come on!
20:49Come on!
20:52Oh, wipe that stupid grin off your face.
21:07All I'm saying is, people in this city must be leading some pretty sad, empty lives.
21:14A man driving a convertible with a meaty boy next to him can cause that much commotion.
21:17But it has all been worth it because today, I am going to get something I have earned with blood, sweat, and tears.
21:24Something I truly deserve. Murphy's respect.
21:28Miles, you've got your health, your hair, and there are no nudie Polaroids of you floating around the country.
21:34Which is more than what half of the people on Murphy's list can claim at this moment, so quit while you're ahead.
21:39Oh, no, Jim, I am telling her, if you had seen the way she just dismissed me yesterday,
21:44with this quick little flip of her hand, as if she were Nefertiti, Queen of the Egyptians.
21:51And I was just some insignificant little eunuch.
21:59Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of slave boy,
22:02but if you guys had seen it, you'd understand.
22:04A man, a man, can only take so much.
22:07Hi, Murph.
22:12What happened? You look like a popped balloon.
22:16I'm exhausted. I was up all night fielding irate phone calls from suspects.
22:21You know that Sandra Day O'Connor has a very dirty mouth on it.
22:27Don't lose, Hope Murphy.
22:28You never know what's just around that corner.
22:30Ah, I don't know, Cookie. What's the point?
22:32Maybe I should just throw in the towel.
22:35Maybe there's a new kid in town who's got a few moves I just can't match.
22:40Murphy, Murphy, Murphy.
22:43You don't know how it pains me to hear you say that.
22:47Why don't we go into your office and have a little chat about them?
22:51Whatever.
22:52Now it's time to prove to you once and for all that...
22:58B-Boy's gone.
23:00I know, but I can't help thinking there's something more I could have done.
23:06I don't know.
23:07I think I made a mistake with Rush Limbaugh.
23:09I could have splurged and gone with the African Icebees, but no, I had to save a few pennies.
23:15Murphy, he's really gone.
23:18And Peter Jennings, I never did get a satisfactory answer out of him.
23:22No, you don't understand.
23:25Someone stole him.
23:27They stole Meaty Boy.
23:28He's gone.
23:31He's really gone.
23:36You're right, Miles.
23:40Meaty Boy's gone.
23:43He's gone, and I'm just going to have to accept that.
23:47I guess it's time to move on.
23:48Maybe I can find some comfort in the hope that whoever has Meaty Boy will love him as much as I do.
23:56Turn off that TV, put down that cigarette, drive on down to Meaty Boy for the very best food, you bet.
24:11Are you tired of doing stuff?
24:29Yes!
24:30Then watch Easy TV Summer.
24:32It's four effortless hours of your favorite show, followed by four equally effortless hours of your other favorite show.
24:38Wouldn't you make it sound easy?
24:39Easy TV Summer starts this Tuesday at 10 only on Nick at Night.