Have.I.Got.a.Bit.More.News.for.You.S69E04
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00:30Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:40I'm Angela Rippon.
00:42Now, in the news this week, Jeff Bezos denies funding his fiancée's spaceflight by siphoning
00:48money from other projects as testing begins on Amazon's new flying delivery vehicles.
01:00In Shropshire, after an entire group of Alcoholics Anonymous all fall off the wagon at the same
01:06time, attempts to pinpoint a cause focus on the previous day's guest speaker.
01:12And in Cheltenham, Frankie de Tori is forced to improvise as his car indicators stop working.
01:24On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who recently said that she sees no reason to retire, as
01:36there are some amazing examples of people still going into their 80s.
01:41Will you please welcome the guest on tonight's winning team, Joe Brand.
01:44On Paul's team tonight is a best-selling author and presenter who recorded 1,300 episodes
01:58of the game show Pointless, giving away total prize money of almost £300.
02:03Will you please welcome Richard Osman.
02:06APPLAUSE
02:08Well, we begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:13Ian and Joe, here are yours.
02:16Oh, St Peter's Square.
02:19That's the shortlist for Pope.
02:22Can't get in.
02:23What's the news?
02:24They're sealing the door.
02:26I know, I've seen Conclave.
02:28Oh, and that's J.D. Vance asking for forgiveness.
02:32LAUGHTER
02:34Is he not J.D. Vance any more?
02:37I thought he was J.D. Sports.
02:39LAUGHTER
02:40The Pope's dead.
02:41On Easter Monday, wasn't it?
02:43It was.
02:44Yes, indeed.
02:45Shortly after he met J.D. Vance.
02:47Yeah.
02:48I think it's Vance, isn't it?
02:49Yeah.
02:50LAUGHTER
02:51Yes, it was meeting J.D. Vance.
02:53Vance or Vance.
02:54Yes.
02:55He was given advance warning.
02:56LAUGHTER
02:58And there he is.
02:59Yes.
03:00You can see the look in the Pope's eyes.
03:02LAUGHTER
03:03Right, that's it, I'm off.
03:05LAUGHTER
03:07It's the sort of Liz Truss effect, isn't it?
03:11LAUGHTER
03:12This is indeed the news that the Pope has died.
03:15Thousands of mourners got the chance to file past the Pope's coffin
03:19just as soon as Holly and Phil had paid their respects.
03:23LAUGHTER
03:29He was visited by J.D. Vance.
03:31And in recognition of the Pope's record on speaking out against climate change,
03:36J.D. arrived at the Vatican in a motorcade of 40...
03:40Wow.
03:41..4x4s.
03:42I can't do that sum.
03:44Yeah.
03:46LAUGHTER
03:47I've been on before when a Pope died.
03:49Yeah.
03:50Yeah, so I think I've had two dead Popes now.
03:52If I get a third, I think that makes me the Antichrist.
03:54LAUGHTER
03:55You're on the way.
03:56I could live without it.
03:57Yeah.
03:58Imagine the car insurance if you were the Antichrist.
04:00Yeah, yeah.
04:01You could arrive in six six-by-sixes.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:04Now, Ian, do you know about the eerie coincidence involving the Welsh
04:11footballer Aaron Ramsey?
04:14LAUGHTER
04:17Do you know, I don't.
04:19Anybody?
04:20Yes, I think every time a Pope has died he scored for Wales
04:24or for Arsenal or for...
04:26Can't be a Pope dies every time he scores, that'd be 20 Popes a season,
04:29wouldn't it?
04:31Funnily enough, you're right.
04:33Because every time he scores a goal, a famous person dies.
04:37Oh, OK.
04:38When he scored twice in two games in 2016,
04:40David Bowie and Alan Rickman died.
04:43To be honest, a famous person dies every day,
04:47so this correlation is statistically poor.
04:52LAUGHTER
04:54Sorry, I've just got to get that, hang on.
04:56LAUGHTER
04:57Hello, yeah.
04:58Well, I could start on Monday.
05:00LAUGHTER
05:02Yeah, I was brought up as a Catholic, yeah.
05:06LAUGHTER
05:07I've got to finish this and I'll be with you.
05:08Yeah, yeah.
05:09Hey-hey!
05:10I don't care about the score now.
05:11That's fantastic.
05:12Habamus Papam.
05:13How dare you!
05:14Imagine if you'd ring Sky Bet and say,
05:15give me odds for Paul Merton to be Pope.
05:16LAUGHTER
05:17So, who are the leading candidates for the top job of Pope?
05:22They're lining up the candidates.
05:24Ralph Fiennes.
05:25So, you've seen the film as well.
05:26Yes, and like most newspaper journalists, I thought that's enough research.
05:29I'd go for Stanley Tucci, who is the menopausal lady's fave.
05:32LAUGHTER
05:33There's lots of very, very...
05:34There are names of people who sound like they're going to be Pope.
05:35Mm.
05:36And then there's a Kevin.
05:37I know that because I looked through the betting.
05:52Right.
05:53And Kevin was 20 to 1.
05:54I think it was born in Dublin.
05:55Right, OK.
05:56And then Michael was book on the list,
05:59but he's not a writer, not a writer,
06:01but, yeah, he's not a writer.
06:03I know that and he's not a writer.
06:06and then went to America most of his life.
06:09That's all I've got, Angela.
06:11Well, basically, he's the caretaker pope.
06:13He locks up at night.
06:15That's the job you've been offered.
06:17Um...
06:22Wow.
06:24Wow.
06:25I think I might have him excommunicated.
06:28So what happens next?
06:30Well, you know, I'll be travelling to Rome tomorrow.
06:35A bit before then, what happens next?
06:37Oh, I should go home and tell the wife and said,
06:40this is probably going to make it a bit awkward for you.
06:43Well, world leaders, of course, have been paying tribute to the pope.
06:47Did any of you see Donald Trump's tribute?
06:50I quite liked what he said about coming to...
06:53Cos he's going to the funeral.
06:55And he said, really looking forward to it, exclamation mark.
07:00Well, he actually paid tribute to the pope
07:03with all the solemnity and dignity
07:05that we have come to expect from Donald.
07:08In the US, President Trump ordered flags at the White House
07:11and on government buildings to be lowered.
07:14He paid tribute to the pope during an Easter egg hunt in Washington,
07:18appearing on the balcony with his wife and a giant rabbit.
07:22He's a good man, worked hard, he loved the world
07:28and it's an honour to do that.
07:31There's a threesome to die for.
07:34I think he was thinking it would be another type of bunny.
07:40Well, fortunately, there were no photographers on hand
07:44to make Trump look ridiculous.
07:47LAUGHTER
07:53You'd think he'd try and get his hand the same shade as his face,
07:57wouldn't you?
07:59What has the US said recently regarding Ukraine?
08:03He said it's Zelensky's fault.
08:05There would be peace if only the person whose country
08:07had been invaded would just shut up.
08:09Also, he said, we're going to pull out,
08:10we're not interested in negotiating a peace settlement,
08:12we're just going to give up on it,
08:13we're going to pass on it, I think was the phrase he used.
08:15Yeah, he's bored.
08:16Yeah.
08:17I mean, he's considered, you know,
08:18this important matter for days.
08:20But didn't he say he was going to stop the war in a day
08:22as soon as he became President, Trump said that?
08:24He did.
08:25And then, didn't he say...
08:26A hundred days.
08:27A hundred days.
08:28A hundred days, yeah.
08:29But like a lot of things he said, it isn't true.
08:34Trump posted about Zelensky on Truth Social saying,
08:37we are very close to a deal but the man with no cards to play
08:41should now finally get it done.
08:43But then, also on Thursday, Trump posted,
08:46I am not happy with the Russian strikes on Kyiv.
08:50Not necessary.
08:51Very bad timing.
08:53Vladimir, stop!
08:55That's telling him.
08:57Now, what has Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth done for a second time?
09:02He's leaked confidential information about war plans
09:05and this time he appears to have told his wife and her brother.
09:09Yeah.
09:10And all his friends.
09:11And this time he's really cross.
09:13Because last time he didn't get fired
09:15and this time there was some suggestion he might.
09:18Is that right?
09:19Well, yes.
09:20But how did Hegseth defend himself?
09:22Didn't he say someone made it up?
09:25Well...
09:26Oh, he said, no, that's right.
09:27He said, somebody's been leaking information
09:29without realising that it's him.
09:31He's the one that's been doing it.
09:36Well, he certainly didn't deny it but what he did do
09:39was attack the news media by saying,
09:41you get anonymous sources with Axis to Grind
09:44and then you pull it all together as if it's some kind of news story.
09:49LAUGHTER
09:50Well, the satirical website Babylon Bee pointed out this.
09:54Are you still interested in receiving texts
09:57about upcoming military strikes?
09:59APPLAUSE
10:01Reply, stop to unsubscribe.
10:06What message did Boris Johnson recently admit to sending in error?
10:12I'm your father.
10:13LAUGHTER
10:15And yours.
10:16And yours.
10:17LAUGHTER
10:18In the Daily Mail this week,
10:20Boris Johnson described how he sent a WhatsApp message in error
10:24and a message read,
10:26Hi, babe, I'm at the Duty Free.
10:28LAUGHTER
10:29He sent it to every Conservative MP
10:31and, worse than all, he sent it to his wife.
10:33LAUGHTER
10:38Well, we know tariffs are playing havoc with the American economy
10:41but what else is adding to their financial troubles?
10:44Is it Rachel Reeves visiting?
10:46LAUGHTER
10:47Oh, no, it's much more serious than that.
10:49No-one wants to go there on holiday.
10:51Oh, yes.
10:52Yes.
10:53Oh.
10:54Yes.
10:55According to The Times,
10:56numbers of tourists entering the US have fallen by over 10%
10:59in just one month because people...
11:01They've all been arrested and sent to El Salvador.
11:05Almost, yes, they're not going because they either disapprove
11:08of what the Trump administration is doing
11:10or they are seriously worried that they may be arrested
11:13and then deported.
11:14Yes, I haven't booked any holidays.
11:17LAUGHTER
11:18Oh, man, you're going to be at that airport for so long.
11:20LAUGHTER
11:22You're going to hear the snap of that rubber glove.
11:24LAUGHTER
11:25It was in Italy, there was Americans next to us,
11:27they heard me speak English and they...
11:29This woman leant over and said,
11:30I'd like to apologise for the orange one.
11:35LAUGHTER
11:36She couldn't even say his name.
11:37Was there?
11:38She was just too embarrassed.
11:39She's probably eating a bag of Revels.
11:40LAUGHTER
11:41So, this is the news that Pope Francis has passed away at the age of 88.
11:54Prince William and Sir Keir Starmer will be travelling to Vatican City
11:58to represent the UK at the Pope's funeral.
12:01It will be two and a half hours of incomprehensible waffle.
12:06But hopefully Starmer will shut up once the funeral starts.
12:09LAUGHTER
12:10Donald Trump solemnly announced the Pope's death from the White House balcony.
12:15According to the New Statesman, Trump then walked downstairs,
12:19stopped and turned to salute the Easter Bunny.
12:24LAUGHTER
12:25Well, to be fair, the Bunny had just been made head of US Armed Forces.
12:30LAUGHTER
12:32One Italian candidate for Pope is Cardinal Pizzabella,
12:36who once offered himself up in a hostage exchange deal,
12:40a deal that also included free garlic bread and a bottle of Phantom.
12:44LAUGHTER
12:46Paul and Richard?
12:47Yeah.
12:48Here's yours.
12:50So, this is a monkey enjoying a drink and that's the 1970s for you.
12:54That's somebody who's had too much to drink and there's some more beer.
12:59So, yes, we know this, don't we, but this is about monkeys consuming alcohol.
13:02They get drunk, monkeys.
13:03Monkeys are getting drunk.
13:04They've been spotted in the jungle eating sort of like rotten fruit
13:08that's turned into alcohol and they're all sitting around having a good time.
13:11It's the first time it's been observed using alcohol to lubricate
13:15a social gathering.
13:17You're so right.
13:18Yeah, I know, I wouldn't have said it otherwise.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:21This is the news that our pub culture may have evolved from apes.
13:25Yes, exactly, yes.
13:26It's the first time they've been seen doing this
13:28and someone of us put up a dart board.
13:30LAUGHTER
13:31The second Attenborough is out of the picture.
13:33They do everything.
13:34They talk, they drive.
13:35Yeah.
13:36They drink, they're watching Netflix.
13:38Yeah.
13:39They're all just talking about adolescents.
13:41LAUGHTER
13:42Is it all male monkeys or are they...?
13:45Of course.
13:46Yeah.
13:47Ian, give it 30 years, mate.
13:49Come on.
13:50Yeah, and then we'll pop along for a sherry.
13:53LAUGHTER
13:54Well, it's researchers at the University of Exeter in Devon
13:57who've observed chimpanzees in Giddy Bissau.
14:00What happens when people get together for a drink in a pub
14:03that researchers think may have evolved from this chimp's behaviour?
14:07Pork scratchings.
14:08LAUGHTER
14:09Has a chimp been in reserve getting up and saying,
14:11I'll get these?
14:12Yeah.
14:13You're my best mate.
14:15It's like the Bushes guy,
14:17I'll give that five minutes if I were you.
14:18Yeah.
14:19LAUGHTER
14:21The scientific answer is that alcohol releases dopamine,
14:26leading to feelings of happiness and relaxation.
14:29Yes.
14:30And drinking in groups strengthens social bonds.
14:32Yes.
14:33And, in fact, animals have often been first to do something
14:35that we now all do all the time,
14:37like taking an Uber ride.
14:39And if you don't believe me, just watch this.
14:41It's really cute.
14:42This is so cool.
14:43I don't know that that part is locked, let's find out.
14:44Will he just...?
14:45Yeah.
14:46Oh, Greg.
14:47Greg.
14:48Oh, my God.
14:49Oh, God.
14:50Oh, my God!
14:51Oh, my God!
14:52Oh, my God!
14:53Oh, my God!
14:54Oh, my God!
14:56The woods, please, and I'm in a hurry.
14:58LAUGHTER
15:03Staying with alcohol...
15:08Yes.
15:09What is the main ingredient in a new beer
15:12that is being developed in Austria?
15:14It's not a plant of any kind, is it?
15:16No.
15:17Chocolate.
15:18No.
15:19Concrete.
15:20Yes.
15:21Bisons.
15:22The portable loo company is developing a beer made from human urine.
15:27Oh!
15:28Disgusting, perhaps, but when you think about it,
15:30not the worst thing to have come out of Austria.
15:32Yeah.
15:33LAUGHTER
15:35I've got a question, though.
15:37If you drink that, do you piss lager?
15:39LAUGHTER
15:40Well, the researchers at the portable loo company collect the contents
15:45and then they extract the urine.
15:47You mean they take the piss?
15:49They take the piss.
15:50LAUGHTER
15:51Sorry.
15:52You know you can get tiger urine that, like, scares foxes off
15:55from your garden?
15:56You get tiger urine and elephant urine.
15:58Yeah.
15:59And that's someone's job, right?
16:00Yeah.
16:01I'm not sure you'd drink it, though.
16:02No, I wouldn't drink it.
16:03No.
16:04Not again.
16:05LAUGHTER
16:06Who's collecting tiger urine?
16:08And how do you get them to aim into a bottle?
16:10LAUGHTER
16:11It is apparently a genuine attempt to extract drinkable safe water
16:16from urine.
16:17Would any of you actually drink it, do you think?
16:20Er, I'm going to say no.
16:22Paul?
16:23As Pope, I really shouldn't be, sort of,
16:25endorsing any particular piss-based drink.
16:29But imagine the sponsorship deals that you get as Pope.
16:32Oh, that's true enough.
16:33A little thing there, a little thing there, something on the hat.
16:35Yes.
16:36Finally, it was announced this week that dark chocolate Toblerone
16:40will no longer be available in the UK.
16:42Yes.
16:43Which came as a big surprise to most of us because none of us knew
16:45that it was here in the first place.
16:46No, no idea.
16:47It's the best-selling chocolate in the world, Toblerone.
16:50But have you ever had the dark chocolate?
16:52No, of course not.
16:53I'm not a savage.
16:54LAUGHTER
16:55Honestly, I'd rather drink piss.
16:57LAUGHTER
16:58That's the advert.
17:00LAUGHTER
17:01That's the advert.
17:02That's such a good tagline.
17:03Yeah, I'd rather drink piss.
17:06LAUGHTER
17:07Well, this is the news that chimpanzees have been filmed
17:10in the wild sharing fruit that contains alcohol.
17:13The scientists estimate that for the chimpanzees,
17:1685% of their diet is alcoholic fruit.
17:20The other 15% is kebabs.
17:22LAUGHTER
17:24So, at the end of that round, it's two points each.
17:28Two points each.
17:29Very good.
17:30APPLAUSE
17:32A report on the economy has just come through from number 11,
17:39Downing Street.
17:40The Chancellor's statement reads as follows.
17:42There may be trouble ahead, but while there's moonlight and music
17:47and love and romance, it's time for round two, the high kick of news.
17:53So, fingers on buzzers, teams.
17:55APPLAUSE
17:57There's a statue somewhere that's very unpopular.
18:01Of a duck.
18:02It's so expensive.
18:03Look at the size of that bill.
18:04LAUGHTER
18:05I mean...
18:06They just discontinued Darktober and I'm having a bad week.
18:07LAUGHTER
18:08No, this is the news that a man walked across the Yorkshire Dales
18:09dressed as a curlew.
18:10Oh, is that him, is it?
18:11So, why on earth did he do that?
18:12Well, why did he do it?
18:13That's what his family are asking.
18:14LAUGHTER
18:15Like charitable reasons, no doubt?
18:30Don't they nest on the ground?
18:32And that's quite dangerous.
18:33Yeah, we could all of that, actually.
18:35It is his favourite bird.
18:37Matt Trevelyan from Yorkshire decided to walk 53 miles
18:40along the Niddedale way to theomme island,
18:4253 miles along the Nidderdale Way to warn against the bird's extinction
18:48and to raise awareness of World Curlew Day, which was last Monday.
18:53Here he is on BBC Breakfast.
18:58It's like some kind of mythical beast, isn't it?
19:01They've got big legs, haven't they, curlews?
19:04World Curlew Day on Monday, the same day as the Pope died,
19:06knocked them out of the headlines, didn't it?
19:09Honestly, it's the perfect day. There's nothing else happening.
19:12People are going to go crazy.
19:13Do you know, every time he gets into that costume,
19:15a famous person dies.
19:23So, the big question is, how did all of you celebrate World Curlew Day?
19:27I ate a couple of them, slowly.
19:30Cos they nest on the ground, they're so easy to get.
19:34What's the good news for the curlew on Orkney?
19:36Oh, they've got rid of the stoats that were killing them off.
19:39There's been a stoat cull. Yeah.
19:41Is there a save the stoat movement?
19:42LAUGHTER
19:43Well, they had to tell the curlews to go in early at night,
19:46which was a curlew curfew.
19:47LAUGHTER
19:49And they had a big campaign, stop the stoats.
19:51Yeah.
19:53The real problem...
19:54Not very much.
19:55LAUGHTER
19:57I like the way that Ian says, thank you very much,
19:59the total silence.
20:00LAUGHTER
20:03Well, the stoats have gone, but the real problem in Orkney
20:06might be the weather.
20:07Let's go for a report from one of the locals.
20:10So, you went to visit Orkney during the winter.
20:13How's the weather?
20:14LAUGHTER
20:15I mean, it's a bit breezy sometimes.
20:19LAUGHTER
20:20Do you think when Trump comes, we can send him to Orkney?
20:30LAUGHTER
20:31LAUGHTER
20:32In related news, what is a man in Japan being dressing up as?
20:40A pigeon.
20:427,000 stoats?
20:44LAUGHTER
20:45No.
20:46A border collie.
20:47Ah, yes.
20:48He's spent £12,000 on a hyper-realistic costume
20:51so that he can live as the animal.
20:53Mm.
20:54His name is Toko and here he is.
20:57LAUGHTER
20:59But what is his problem?
21:01LAUGHTER
21:03Having a lot of time.
21:05LAUGHTER
21:07It's not worms, is it?
21:08Mm-mm.
21:09LAUGHTER
21:11He's opened a zoo for humans where people can come and dress as dogs,
21:16but an upcoming event in May has received no bookings.
21:21So his zoo is now facing closure.
21:24He should have dressed as a shit zoo.
21:26LAUGHTER
21:27Hey!
21:29APPLAUSE
21:31What do you think you'd be able to do at his zoo if you went there?
21:34Seek help.
21:36LAUGHTER
21:37Visitors can pay £256 to spend three hours dressed as an Alaskan Malamute.
21:44LAUGHTER
21:45What actually is a Malamute?
21:47Is it a type of dog?
21:48No, it's a type of jam produced by Megan.
21:51LAUGHTER
21:53So this is the man who walked 53 miles dressed as a curlew.
21:59Here is his curlew outfit, which really is pretty impressive,
22:03but you wouldn't want him running behind you in the marathon.
22:06LAUGHTER
22:07The curlew is famed for its graceful posture and long legs.
22:12Get your own act.
22:14LAUGHTER
22:15So, fingers on buzzers, teams.
22:17BUZZER
22:19Yes, this is the Supreme Court ruling,
22:23which a lot of people said, have I got news, was pathetic,
22:26cos last week nobody answered this question and it wasn't asked.
22:29It was asked, actually, and I answered it at some length.
22:32I gave my views about John Stuart Mill's clash of different rights
22:35and competitive demands on a legal system
22:38and I talked for some time about what I thought was
22:41a very rational solution of the two parliamentary acts
22:45which the Supreme Court had been asked...
22:47And they cut it out.
22:49LAUGHTER
22:50Well, you do know this programme is only 29 minutes long.
22:53It is.
22:54It seemed longer last week.
22:56LAUGHTER
22:58It isn't easy to do this particular subject,
23:01as Keir Starmer has found out.
23:03I'm aware I'm talking over you.
23:05No, no, you're not talking over me cos I haven't said anything.
23:08LAUGHTER
23:10I think this is a thing that a lot of people
23:13wouldn't want to say anything,
23:15because it's a very, sort of, venomous situation
23:19and I think, kind of, a lot of people are genuinely a bit frightened.
23:23Mm.
23:24No-one really wants to get a death threat on...
23:26I've had quite a few of them.
23:28Mm.
23:29And, er, that's why I've learned to dress up as a bird
23:32and wander round the moors, so...
23:34LAUGHTER
23:35So, what has he changed his mind about?
23:37Well, what he said is,
23:38the Supreme Court verdict gives clarity.
23:41He's not particularly keen to say what.
23:43He used to say all sorts of things.
23:45And he's been caught out.
23:46About cervixes and, erm...
23:48Thanks.
23:49LAUGHTER
23:51I think cervixes are hilarious as well.
23:53LAUGHTER
23:54Yeah, and now he's done a complete about-turn.
23:57He has and he doesn't want to admit it.
23:59Has someone admitted it on his behalf, though?
24:01Yes.
24:02A Downing Street spokesman said,
24:03Keir now thinks that trans women are not women.
24:07Last week, Kemi Badenoch declared that the Conservative Party
24:10have always understood what a woman is.
24:13Here is Kemi firing off a zinger at Prime Minister's Question Time
24:17on Wednesday.
24:19This is a question about moral courage, Mr Speaker,
24:22about doing the right thing even when it is difficult.
24:26And the truth is, he doesn't have the balls.
24:30CHEERING
24:31Weren't people commenting on the fact that that's all she went on about?
24:35She didn't mention anything else like Trump, like Putin,
24:40like Ukraine.
24:41Like the Toblerone thing.
24:43Yeah.
24:44LAUGHTER
24:45Up to this point, she's not been very good at Prime Minister's
24:48Questions Time.
24:49And she had a good outing in that he had...
24:52A bad outing.
24:54He had a very bad outing because he did say one thing
24:57and he has changed his mind and he doesn't want to admit it.
24:59Last week, the Supreme Court ruled that women were defined by
25:03biological sex and explained it in an 88-page legal judgement.
25:09You see, just 88 pages.
25:11It really was that simple.
25:12It's good, though.
25:13It is worth a read.
25:15It is fairly clear.
25:16You've read all 88 pages?
25:17Yeah, no, no.
25:18I'm waiting for the film to come out.
25:19Yeah.
25:20LAUGHTER
25:21Fingers on buzzers again, teams.
25:23BUZZER
25:26Ooh.
25:27People smell.
25:28It's to do with smell, certainly, because this is the news
25:31that women select their best friends based on how they smell.
25:36That's bullshit.
25:38LAUGHTER
25:40That's bullshit.
25:41You're my best friend.
25:43LAUGHTER
25:45Tell it to the scientists at Cornell University in New York
25:49because they say that women chose friends based on smell
25:53and that they can tell if they're going to be friends with someone
25:56within just four minutes.
25:59Look, if someone came along, right, and...
26:01Smelled of cake.
26:02Smelled of chocolate.
26:03Yeah.
26:04LAUGHTER
26:05But they were really boring, I'd get rid.
26:09LAUGHTER
26:10And let's say they smelt of urine but they were a right laugh,
26:14I'd put up with the urine.
26:16LAUGHTER
26:17You don't need four minutes for a smell, right?
26:19No.
26:20You get a bit of personality in four minutes.
26:22Yeah.
26:23If it was like they made their mind up in 11 seconds,
26:25then you'd go, oh, maybe that's the smell.
26:26But, yeah, with respect to the researchers at Cornell,
26:29it's hardly monkeys getting drunk, is it?
26:31No.
26:32LAUGHTER
26:33Tell me, how did the scientists conduct their research?
26:36They didn't do any.
26:37They filled in the form and claimed the money.
26:40LAUGHTER
26:42I've no proof of that.
26:44There was a team of 40 women...
26:46Oh, come on.
26:47..wearing T-shirts for 12 hours to capture their scent.
26:52The women were then asked to judge one another's friend potential
26:56based on the smell of the T-shirts before meeting a person
26:59for what they referred to as a speed-friending chat.
27:04Joe, what do your friends smell like?
27:06Well, my friend Betty smells like a rotting corpse.
27:10LAUGHTER
27:12I hope she watches this.
27:14LAUGHTER
27:15It's just a new person she's been working on.
27:18I have to admit that if someone sniffed me for four minutes,
27:21I'm not sure I would want to be friends with them.
27:23That's essentially what Strictly is, isn't it?
27:26LAUGHTER
27:28In other news, what have scientists found the formula for?
27:33Eternal life.
27:35We would probably lead with that, wouldn't we?
27:38LAUGHTER
27:40There are researchers from the University of British Columbia...
27:43Yum.
27:44..and they say what they've cracked is the formula for the perfect day.
27:48Wow.
27:49What do you think they say makes up the perfect day?
27:52Living in British Columbia, getting paid to do fuck all.
27:55LAUGHTER
27:57Move into the Vatican and say, those curtains will have to go.
28:00LAUGHTER
28:01Painting over the Sistine Chapel.
28:03I don't like this. Yeah.
28:05LAUGHTER
28:06After analysing data on how people use their time,
28:09they have recommended no more than six hours of work.
28:13Mm-hm.
28:14However, what you should have are at least six hours of family time,
28:18two hours with friends, 90 minutes of extra socialising,
28:22two hours of exercise and one hour of eating.
28:27I'd rather swap eating and family time round.
28:30LAUGHTER
28:36Extra socialising sounds like a euphemism.
28:39LAUGHTER
28:41And I'm...
28:4290 minutes?
28:4390 minutes.
28:44Would you change ends at half-time?
28:46LAUGHTER
28:48What's your perfect day then, Ian?
28:49Um...
28:50Not being sued.
28:51LAUGHTER
28:52APPLAUSE
28:53Well, in other sports news, Leeds United have been promoted
29:05to the Premier League.
29:06Yes.
29:07Would you like to see how Look North covered the excitement?
29:10Totally.
29:11Yeah.
29:12Our sports reporter Sally Hurst is live in Leeds
29:14as celebrations continue this evening.
29:17Everyone's in a pretty good mood there tonight, aren't they, Sally?
29:23Yeah.
29:24LAUGHTER
29:27Time now for the odd-one-out round,
29:30just one between the two of you this week.
29:33Mm.
29:34They are Robert Jenrick, piano player Igor Levitt,
29:37Odysseus and 21 Robots in Beijing.
29:41BUZZER
29:42I reckon this is about marathons taking a long time to do something.
29:46Ah, yes.
29:47He's a pianist who's doing a recital,
29:50playing the same piece a huge number of times,
29:53and then those robots ran in the marathon.
29:56They didn't do very well, though, did they?
29:58They didn't, no.
30:00It's got a bloke holding him back, look.
30:02LAUGHTER
30:03Tell us the story about Odysseus.
30:06Yeah.
30:07Because that would be my perfect day.
30:10Yeah.
30:11LAUGHTER
30:12Odysseus took a long time to get home.
30:14He took a long time to get home,
30:15but we only made a statue of him.
30:17I've taken a long time to get home before,
30:19no statues of me.
30:20No statues of me.
30:21I mean, think of the cost of marble,
30:23but even so...
30:24LAUGHTER
30:25Which is the odd-one-out?
30:26We think the robot is the odd-one-out.
30:28Yeah.
30:29Why?
30:30Hmm?
30:31No...
30:32No further questions.
30:33Yeah, yeah.
30:34LAUGHTER
30:35You'd better tell us.
30:37You're sort of on the right track.
30:39They've all taken part in feats of endurance,
30:41apart from Robert Jenrick,
30:43who's about to take part in the London Marathon this weekend.
30:46Yes.
30:47Is he?
30:48But he hasn't done it yet.
30:49Not done it yet.
30:50What confusion did he cause?
30:51Wasn't there something about lots of people on a WhatsApp group
30:54or...
30:55I don't know what I'm talking about here, but...
30:56But you're right.
30:57Am I?
30:58Because ahead of the...
30:59Because ahead of the marathon run this weekend,
31:01he suddenly added 600 contacts to a WhatsApp group.
31:05Well, there we are, you see.
31:06Fuelling rumours that he was about to launch a conservative coup.
31:10Yeah.
31:11He had intended, he said, to message contacts in his phone book
31:14individually, asking them for donations to a charity in support...
31:17Is that the Conservative Party?
31:19LAUGHTER
31:20Shall we just remind ourselves of how Robert Jenrick's wife reacted
31:24when he lost the leadership race to...
31:26Oh, yeah.
31:27Oh, yeah.
31:28Oh, yeah.
31:29Yes, please.
31:30Eddie Badenoch.
31:31APPLAUSE
31:47What feat of endurance is superstar pianist Igor Levitt performing
31:52in London at this very moment?
31:55He's playing...
31:56It's a work by Eric Satie and he's playing it a lot of times.
32:01It's called Vexations and it consists of a simple phrase,
32:05perhaps just one or two minutes long, but which the composer
32:08instructed should be repeated 840 times in a row.
32:14He's been playing since 11 o'clock this morning.
32:17Anyone want to send a few words of encouragement to him
32:19before we go on?
32:20Encore, I want to say.
32:22LAUGHTER
32:23Yeah.
32:24Well, Levitt isn't apparently going to leave the stage at any time
32:28during the performance.
32:29Right.
32:30How do you think this has been made possible?
32:32They've built the piano, like, around him, like this.
32:35LAUGHTER
32:36So he can play one-handed for a bit.
32:38LAUGHTER
32:39Very good idea.
32:40But what they've actually done is he's got a seat that can be turned
32:47into a bed.
32:48There's a screen that goes around him and the piano in case he does
32:52need to go to the toilet.
32:53Piano stool, as they call it.
32:55LAUGHTER
32:57Thousands of runners competed in a half marathon against 21 robots
33:03in Beijing this week, making this the very first time that man
33:07has jogged against a machine.
33:10LAUGHTER
33:11Here's how the robots got on.
33:14Is that Michael Gove?
33:27LAUGHTER
33:32Joe, apparently you once trained to run in a marathon, didn't you?
33:37Yes.
33:38But you were taken ill the day before.
33:39Yeah, thank God.
33:41LAUGHTER
33:42No, I know, I'm not like you.
33:44I can't even lift my leg above my other foot.
33:49LAUGHTER
33:50Really.
33:51I admire you doing strictly.
33:53Did they give you any drugs to help your...
33:55LAUGHTER
33:57Odysseus was the star of Homer's hit poem, The Odyssey.
34:02Yes.
34:03Describing his ten-year journey home after the Trojan War.
34:07Ten years it took him.
34:08Ten years.
34:09Ten years of the war, ten years to get home.
34:11Do you know what?
34:12I bet a lot of that was he was just...
34:13There's no way it took him ten years.
34:15Replacement bus service.
34:16LAUGHTER
34:17Who is playing Odysseus in the current film version of his journey home?
34:22Ralph Fiennes.
34:23Mm.
34:24Got it...
34:25Very good it is too.
34:26Yeah.
34:27And he has buffed up, so he's got this amazing torso.
34:33LAUGHTER
34:34I mean, you've just got to see it.
34:37LAUGHTER
34:38Well, we can, because here he is.
34:40But the thing is, he has got competition.
34:43Just look at this.
34:45LAUGHTER
34:47I'm not going to say anything, because I can't imagine that's the only picture you've got.
34:53No, we've got another one.
34:55Yeah, here we go.
34:56LAUGHTER
34:58Why does it look nothing like me?
35:00LAUGHTER
35:01Looks like Ed Balls.
35:02Yeah.
35:03Well, we've all taken part in feats of endurance, apart from Robert Jenrick, who is taking on the London Marathon this weekend.
35:11Robert Jenrick has famously lost a lot of weight prior to the marathon.
35:15In fact, if he runs really fast, he could set an Ozempic record.
35:21LAUGHTER
35:2221 robots recently took part in a half marathon in Beijing.
35:26The fastest robot completing the course in two hours and 40 minutes was called Tiangong Ultra, though he was later disqualified after testing positive for WD-40.
35:36LAUGHTER
35:38It's time now for the missing words round, which this week features as its guest publication, Chinchilla Connection.
35:45Oh!
35:46We're going to start with...
35:48If you're going to exhibit your chinchilla at a show, don't forget...
35:51The chinchilla.
35:52What?
35:53LAUGHTER
35:54The answer is to dust it beforehand.
35:57Dust it?
35:58Dust it?
35:59Dust it, yeah.
36:00But whatever you do, don't hoover it.
36:02LAUGHTER
36:03Just going to dust the old tin tiller?
36:05Yeah.
36:06LAUGHTER
36:08Might take 90 minutes.
36:11LAUGHTER
36:12Next.
36:13Scientists claim you can what if you fire laser pulses into your eyes?
36:18See a new colour.
36:19You're right, you can't see a new colour.
36:22Yeah, I bet it's red.
36:23It's a mixture of sort of green and blue, I think, isn't it?
36:26Well, scientists in California have discovered a never-before-seen colour,
36:30which you can fully appreciate by having your retina stimulated by lasers.
36:34Yeah.
36:35Here is the brand-new colour.
36:37LAUGHTER
36:38Oh, that's so unusual.
36:40LAUGHTER
36:41That's a new colour, is it?
36:43Yeah, it's a new colour.
36:44Yeah.
36:45Well, I'd paint the Sistine Chapel, though.
36:47LAUGHTER
36:48It'd be good to have lasers, like, firing lasers in the Sistine Chapel as well.
36:52That would be good.
36:53That would be a good first day.
36:54I'd make a note.
36:55LAUGHTER
36:56It would screw up the painting on the ceiling, though, wouldn't it?
36:59I'm not having a go at Michelangelo.
37:00I'm sure he was perfectly good in his day.
37:02LAUGHTER
37:03Wouldn't cut it now, would he, Richard?
37:05Exactly.
37:06It's hardly dog-splaying poker, is it?
37:07No.
37:08LAUGHTER
37:09Next, it's risky to turn your back on a chinchilla because...
37:14It'll rip your lungs out.
37:15LAUGHTER
37:16Because of the risk of identity theft.
37:18LAUGHTER
37:19My name? Richard Osman.
37:24LAUGHTER
37:26They're notoriously bitchy.
37:28LAUGHTER
37:29The actual answer is, it'll be breeding within seconds.
37:32LAUGHTER
37:33But on its own.
37:34LAUGHTER
37:35Next, curry house in Manchester surprises customers by what?
37:38Serving chinchilla biryani.
37:40LAUGHTER
37:41Curry house in Manchester surprises customers by moving to Liverpool.
37:43No.
37:44The answer is, by serving up cream egg samosas.
37:47LAUGHTER
37:48But you didn't go, er, when it was a chinchilla biryani.
37:51LAUGHTER
37:52And the Burnley Express reported,
37:54just 200 will be available over the bank holiday weekend
37:57on a first-come, first-served basis.
37:59So, there's still 199 left.
38:00LAUGHTER
38:01So, here is the creation.
38:02It's dubbed the cremosa.
38:03Why isn't it called the Samosas?
38:04The Samosas?
38:05The Samosas?
38:06The Samosas?
38:07The Samosas?
38:08The Samosas?
38:09The Samosas?
38:10The Samosas?
38:11The Samosas?
38:12The Samosas?
38:13The Samosas?
38:14The Samosas?
38:15The Samosas?
38:16The Samosas?
38:17The Samosas?
38:18The Samosas?
38:19Why isn't it called the Sameg?
38:20Oh!
38:25Next.
38:26The day when you and your chinchilla can, what,
38:30might not be far away.
38:32Legally make love.
38:33In the greater London area.
38:35Can have a full conversation.
38:37Talk to each other.
38:38There you go.
38:39According to Chinchilla Connection,
38:41scientists could soon be able to understand
38:44animal language.
38:45Yeah, they could.
38:46Yeah.
38:47The ability to communicate with animals has
38:49implications beyond the lab and could even challenge
38:53long-held beliefs about animal cognition.
38:56Said a chinchilla.
38:57LAUGHTER
38:58Next.
38:59New perfume will make you smell like what?
39:04A new friend.
39:06A chinchilla?
39:07Midnight in Dockland.
39:08Tow Hamlets.
39:09Midnight in Dockland.
39:10Tow Hamlets.
39:11Almost.
39:12Coronation Street.
39:13This is soon to be released as part of a range of toiletries
39:18that are based on Coronation Street.
39:20Absolutely perfect for anyone who wants to spell like Rita's Cabin.
39:24LAUGHTER
39:25Finally, choir singer surprised by what during service?
39:30Is it BAT on clutch cables?
39:32No.
39:33It's choir singer surprised by Joy.
39:35She's the organist.
39:36LAUGHTER
39:37Oh.
39:38Is it lack of ketamine?
39:39No.
39:40LAUGHTER
39:41The answer is...
39:42Yes.
39:43..a dive-bombing squirrel.
39:45LAUGHTER
39:46That is good.
39:47Now, keep your eye on the top right-hand corner.
39:49The squirrel's potentially fatal fall.
39:50Potentially?
39:51Potentially.
39:52LAUGHTER
39:53He'll have to do a Lazarus to get up from that.
39:55LAUGHTER
39:56Was he all right?
39:57Was he all right?
39:58Was he all right?
39:59LAUGHTER
40:00All I have is he just buried his nuts.
40:02Yeah.
40:03Up through his neck.
40:04LAUGHTER
40:05So, the final scores are Ian and Joe have three, while Paul and Richard somehow have four.
40:23APPLAUSE
40:25Thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Joe Brand, Paul Merton and Richard Osman.
40:40And I leave you with news that on his first visit to a tattoo parlour, one man tries to tell the shop employee there is no W in anchor.
40:50LAUGHTER
40:53In Windsor, there's evidence that being king has gone to Charles' head as he refuses to walk to a tree-planting ceremony.
41:01LAUGHTER
41:06And in Florida, as the Rolling Stones embark on a new world tour, Mick Jagger is keen to show that he's still got it as he runs through his repertoire of moves.
41:16LAUGHTER
41:19Good night.
41:21APPLAUSE
41:22APPLAUSE
41:54I'm surprised we won this week. I thought we'd lose.
41:59OK. I'm not infallible.
42:01LAUGHTER