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00:00Closed Captioning by Red Bee Media
00:30you all right third time tonight junior's squeezing my bladder oh that's good she'll
00:50be affectionate then what do you think of Emily it's all right bit floral wallpaper bit Wendy
01:00Webber yeah night night Emma's nice I like Emma what's that what's that noise we got a mouse bloody hell we
01:27got mice what's it doing in the bedroom should be in the kitchen eating the cornflake pack we've got
01:36stupid mice around here friend friend what we got a mouse what we've got a mouse well what do you want
01:48me to do make it a cup of tea we've got a mouse here in the bedroom what's it doing in here should be in
01:56the kitchen eating the cornflakes did you just say that it's the packet they eat the cardboard's more
02:02nutritious how do you know there's a mouse in here I can hear it I can't hear anything well
02:11he's not making a noise now not now we're talking about him he's lying low there it is there's two
02:19of them blimey they got the place around it there's a spider in the bath as well God's teeth the living
02:27world could do a radio nature trail in this house big one is it not too bad don't like them when they're
02:35big who does well what are we gonna do I'm going to sleep you can't go to sleep we've got mice well so
02:43what they're not going to savage us in the night are they you don't get mauled by Mickey's do you
02:48they're all right we'll put some poison down tomorrow well we haven't got to put poison down
02:55have we I'll probably fill her up all the holes what's wrong with poison oh just don't need to don't
03:03want to wipe out a colony of innocent mice needlessly they're not innocent they're scrabbling still look
03:10Shelly mice are scrabbly and dirty if you've got some secret way of guaranteeing a colony of non
03:15scrabbling toilet trained mice you've got a deal otherwise we rub them out okay what's that bag
03:24doing in here well I forgot to take it down well that's it take it down now mouse and all that's
03:30one you haven't got a kill right God you look stupid in those pyjamas I'm stalking a mouse
03:43I'm not sure about this oh God what now well what'll happen to it it'll stop scrabbling okay so it'll
04:00stay in the bag what's doing in that bag finishing off our Chinese takeaway well it's welcome to that
04:07yeah we've moved near some dismal takeaways that's another reason you'll have to learn to cook
04:12never miss a trick do you look it can't get out of the bag so it'll be in it when they put it in
04:18the um it'll be crushed to death no it won't it will those trucks have got dirty great I know what
04:25they've got but they're not so good at crushing they can puree a mouse well dear God we're discussing a
04:33mouse do you hear us God never mind Somalia East Africa Campuchia Sri Lanka shut up chicken we had
04:41for supper battery bread we didn't eat it it's still dead a mouse one mouse two mice we're not
04:52killing that one we can't catch it and poisons against our religion I'll put you out in a minute
04:57I'll dump you in the crusher look Shelly I don't care what you do to that mouse take it for a walk
05:03build it a kennel or send it on a Thompson's holiday just stop it scrabbling and come to bed so we can get
05:08some sleep I'm in no condition to embark on protracted mouse repatriation do they make for life mice
05:16absolutely they have white weddings and they don't recognize divorce fortunately I do and I'm going to get
05:25one tomorrow well exactly same mrs. mouse is having her bladder squeezed by an incipient Emma mouse and
05:32I go and dump the breadwinner on Emma Smith tip life's not easy for a single parent family you know
05:38I know I know it's just that he's here now going about his business the only way he knows how I don't
05:44want to rub him out look I leave on one side the meat and fish you eat have you ever thought of how many
05:50mice are killed to harvest the wheat to bring you a loaf of bread but this one's not stopping us
05:55growing food he's so hard up he'll even eat their Chinese rubbish your double standards get right up
06:02my pipe oh shut up oh resorting to unassailable logic I see god you give me a pain sometimes I give you a
06:11pain oh boy that's a good one no fair dues that's a humdinger I give you a pain I'll knock it off will
06:17you I am in the latest stages of pregnancy it's freezing cold we have the draftiest house since
06:23Stonehenge and we're kept up all night while you strike humane attitudes over a piddling little mouse
06:28meanwhile you spend your days getting as rich as creases flogging the nation lung cancer and heart
06:35disease as hard as you can you just never change you haven't got the responsibility of a gnat
06:41well I suppose every marriage gets to a rough patch eventually after all the wedding was weeks ago
06:53now all right what's all this about peddling lung cancer eh I didn't mean that that's exactly what
07:02you meant there's a distinct smell of stifled grudge in the air what's causing it oh I don't know
07:08all right look I have heard that cigarettes are not quite as good for you as six months at a health
07:13farm I mean very likely they should be banned as they're not I just do what I'm told sell these I
07:18sell them I've got half the nation scoffing a dried paella that even Mickey wouldn't touch
07:23I promoted keg beer and you know how I feel about that yes I do know about that now it's coffin nails
07:30I never said the career in advertising was like being Albert Schweitzer it's for making money for Emma
07:35how are we going to stop Emma smoking Fran it's not like that it's exactly like that well what do
07:42you want I don't like advertising I just happen to be good at it I mean we're not trying to get new
07:48smokers just to get existing smokers to change brands using a special miracle ink only smokers can
07:54see are you Fran you're just not being reasonable I'm trying to do what I can for us for the kid
07:59will you shut up we're trying to have a serious discussion here I know you are Shelly I just don't
08:06like you doing it well I don't like doing it claiming dough that's what I like a peaceful life
08:11with a leisurely stroll to the labor once a fortnight that's me unfortunately despite what I read in
08:17the Sunday papers they don't shower you with limitless sums of money look the point is Shelly you're
08:24actually good at your job so more people will start smoking as a result of you doing it if you
08:30weren't there someone else wouldn't be so good thousands of people clogging up the hospitals with
08:37smoking related diseases because of your job and you agonize over a bloody mouse it's freezing in here
08:45well what do you want me to do I don't want you to do anything just get things into perspective
08:52and lavish your trendy humanity where it's needed
08:55anyway will you please put that mouse out now and come to bed well I would but for one thing what
09:04it just jumped out of the back
09:06morning Lawrence Ruth hello mr. Shelly you all right had a bit of a rough night oh sorry to hear
09:24that you're not ill no no good okay the Pitt and Frampton designs have just come through and I wanted
09:29you to have a look at them they're very encouraging Ruth is there any chance of a cup of your best
09:37Brazilian filter fine case of real need of course I'll get some thanks a lot now we've developed the
09:45afterwards theme as we discussed here's after the croquet lunch and the judges room after the case
09:54and this one I think they've all worked really well do you have any other ideas for locales chest unit
10:10what cardiac ward funeral reception or a kiddies playground maybe that's where the real smoking
10:18gets done these days in between beating up the teachers and impregnating the odd school girl
10:22you're worried about the moral implications of pushing cigarettes I'm worried about the moral
10:30implications of pushing period do you remember when the suits are here from that cigarette company
10:35all those high-powered sales directors snakeskin shoes combination locks digital watches and that
10:41middle-class crumpet gift wrapped in Jaeger and Kalesh you notice anything about them what
10:46not one of them smoked 20 years ago they'd have deafened you with a click of their dunhills
10:53dazzled you with a gleam of their aspirate cigarette cases now sugar-free chewing gum and tic-tacs
10:59they know at a score Lawrence they haven't suddenly stopped smoking because they don't like fags anymore
11:05they know and still they push the things no they don't they get us to they get me to okay so we take
11:12you off cigarettes it's not the point Lawrence where does it end heroin refreshes the parts other drugs
11:18cannot reach
11:19cheer up the Nazis are coming nuclear waste is good for you it is a free country James we're not trying
11:30to recruit new smokers just to get existing ones that change brands using a new miracle ink that only
11:35smokers can see are we oh good-looking fella is he desirable woman would you say happy rich and
11:42healthy an enviable couple would you say well we're not going to put Boris Karloff in bed with an old
11:48boot on a drip feet reasonable what's all this low tar stuff you know perfectly well what it is I do know
11:57it's the tar that sees you off it's recognizing that we're peddling poison a rare example of honesty in
12:03advertising I mean can you imagine reading faversham cakes contain only modest amounts of strychnine
12:10Benzkin's chewing gum is only slightly radioactive Hamilton's whiskey rocks your gut slowly
12:18well I mean there are other harmful things people have to do something
12:22I don't even know that it is that harmful in moderation I mean I've got an uncle oh for god's
12:28sake Lawrence don't give me a granddad story what old granddad weaned on cutlass full strength smoked
12:34100 a day all his life lived to be 98 when he was knocked down by a bus the bus was a write-off
12:41granddad was whisked into hospital where some upstart of a young doctor stopped him smoking and within a
12:46week he was dead from nicotine starvation that's the myth that got half the population on the weed in the
12:51first place of course people have survived smoking people have survived trench warfare that's no
12:58argument for giving a mustard gas party is it what suddenly brought all this on we got mice
13:08have you ever had mice well once yes why what you do about got a man in from the council he put poison
13:19down remember what it was called rodex i think yes rodex it was very good rodex right thanks and now
13:27if you'll excuse me i'm off to see cyril what's the matter with james i'm not really sure i rather gather
13:37his mice are smoking too much
13:49god we've got the worst phone service in the world we'd be better off with a one-legged man with a
14:07cleft stick it's like roulette i mean when you spin the dial you've got about a one in ten chance of
14:13getting through you did get through eventually is she all right then oh yes her back's given her a
14:22bit of trouble and she's tired you know and she's a bit bad tempered with me i mean more than usual
14:27but she's bearing up so far good she sends her love ah biscuit thanks
14:44that's the very pullover you had on the day we first met mrs h is it oh yes 100 acrylic warm wash cool
14:52iron dry clean do not bleach made in korea how do you know the label always sticks up at the back
15:03does it a lot of enzyme detergent gurgled down the waste pipe since then yes now the wheel has come full
15:11circle has it oh yes how's willie oh he's all right well he's worried about work falling off a bit
15:23you've read mice mrs h don't you start on about mice what we had mice just after you first moved in
15:32oh yeah i put mouse traps down and you said i was like the butchers of auschwitz
15:36well i know i sometimes overstate things a little threaten to phone up the rspca
15:44yes well they're not nice things mouse traps well what do you suggest keeping them as pets
15:49you can't have mice they're dirty no what do you do in the end i have some good poison now rodex
15:56rodex hmm mrs h i wonder if you could do me a favor
16:01hmm well i wonder if fran could uh spend the day here tomorrow only i don't like leaving her alone
16:07in her condition oh it's going to be a girl by the way forgot to mention how do you know they did a
16:12test they can tell oh go on no i've even seen her on an ultrasonic thing it's like a satellite picture
16:19of the weather forecast i could see it quite clearly her head was up about where greenland is
16:25pretty little thing no only you see i don't like leaving her unless she can phone me at any time
16:31i mean like at work tomorrow she won't be able to reach me at all why not well it takes nearly all day
16:38what does signing on at the labour exchange
16:46nice bath
16:47sit down a minute will you i am sitting down oh yes good well um i don't know how to say this
16:59begin at the beginning all right well you uh you know sometimes how something seems like a good idea
17:04so you act on it and uh then later you're not so sure ah well i know exactly what you mean
17:12oh that's something and i agree what it's that paint isn't it what paint it's the most appalling colour
17:25what do you mean whatever possessed us to choose it we mixed it we didn't choose it we made it
17:33it's appalling oh god it's foul i like it a lot what i think it's ace you're kidding
17:41look that's not what i want to talk about oh shelly it's awful it's so
17:47pretentious fran i want to tell you something yes i know let's just clear this up first
17:51look i'm sorry about all the work you've done but that colour is a no-no i happen to like this colour
17:56and as i remember i'm one half of this democratic unit but look at it i am looking at it it's a terrific
18:03colour i said i heard what you said perfectly clearly and i understood it's just the sort of
18:21remark you say pardon to you see on account of how you hope it's not true or it's a joke
18:28or something it isn't i have left look you really don't want me to repaint all this woodwork do you
18:35look never mind the woodwork well i just don't want to go on with it it's all going to be redone
18:39well it'll all have to be the same won't it even if we paint over it must have a uniform undercoat
18:44yeah i suppose i mean what's wrong with it i think it's a terrific colour it's smart trendy i've never
18:51been trendy before it's too smart that's just it look what are we talking about the bloody paint work
18:58for because we're too frightened to talk about the other thing well why because of the cigarettes you
19:06can't possibly have left will you just let me tell you what happened yes you got me worried about the
19:13cigarettes i didn't get you worried enough to shut up see you got me using unassailable logic again
19:19i used that with cyril that was after trouble you didn't tell sir sorry all right go on well once
19:27upon a time there was a very high minimum lending rate and a pound as strong as the incredible hulk
19:32there was vat at 15 and an absence of u-turns these things would save the country
19:37in the meantime the country shut down including harper mackintosh
19:42what that's it cyril was looking for redundancies well i didn't know this
19:46steamed into his office fuming about how i hated my job he looked up and saw that most wonderful
19:51of all things natural wastage furthermore i haven't been there six months so no redundancy
19:59payment no appeal for unfair dismissal this is terrible well they've been very good about it
20:05months notice i don't have to work out i can sign on tomorrow sign on yeah be nice getting back to the
20:12old routine you definitely can't get the job back no not even by voracious consumption of humble pie
20:20not humble pie situation it's the inexorable march of money tourism signing on let's talk about the
20:27paint again shall we i don't get the same sensation of blind gutless panic talking about
20:31well what are we going to do well i think we should finish it in this color
20:39don't be tiresome shelley there's a recession on look it's not the end of the world no it's close
20:46but look we don't you tell me what we owe this reassuringly calm facade is on the brink of crumbling
20:53as it is a realistic appraisal of a situation would finish me let's look on the bright side what bright
21:00side well we're not in somalia or campuchia this house isn't stonehenge oh and i noticed on the way
21:07home that the chinese takeaways changed hands shelley it's peking now also i won't have to drink any of
21:15ruth's disgusting brazilian coffee and um on top of all that there's something that really will cheer you
21:22up what well there isn't enough of this paint to finish the talk
21:39if there's any mouse noise tonight keep it to yourself
21:45there won't be any mouse noise how do you know i put poison down
21:48it's called rodex it's very good oh i thought you were going to polyfill her up all the holes
21:58well i was but you said oh yes yes no no i just thought
22:06good night night
22:10quick acting is it oh yes i think so
22:14hmm good well uh it can't be all that quick actually cause um they die in their burrows
22:24burrows that's what it says i suppose they feel a bit dicky pop home for a quick line
22:34oh they stretch out and uh r.i.p mickey
22:38plus all the family eventually i mean uh it wipes them all out they can't resist it it's totally
22:46effective good night good night
22:53um
22:55you see i didn't put poison down didn't you no all right tomorrow night we polyfill her up every
23:02single hole every hole right and if they still get in we use poison definitely definitely we can't
23:09have mice no way good that's settled then good night night
23:16um just one thing what do you think we should put a saucer of milk down for them
23:32uh
23:44uh
23:46uh
23:54uh