Complete playlist:
https://dailymotion.com/playlist/x9np9k
https://dailymotion.com/playlist/x9np9k
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00.
00:01.
00:02.
00:03.
00:04.
00:05.
00:06.
00:07.
00:08.
00:09.
00:10.
00:11.
00:12.
00:13.
00:14.
00:15.
00:16.
00:17.
00:18.
00:19.
00:20.
00:21.
00:22.
00:23.
00:24.
00:25.
00:26Now, just because I've asked you into my room,
00:29it doesn't mean I'm that sort of girl.
00:31What sort of girl do you think I'm after?
00:33A nice, well-brought-up, homely little nymphomaniac.
00:36With black stockings and suspenders.
00:39It does sound attractive, I must say.
00:41Mmm.
00:42You'll never get married, will you, Paul?
00:45No, I suppose so.
00:47Just stay a gay bachelor.
00:49No-one will ever accuse you of being gay.
00:51There is overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
00:54Do I detect a tinge of green in your demeanour?
00:56I'm afraid so.
00:57Whereas it can be fairly said that sexually you are the least fastidious person I've ever
01:02met, your strike rate is undeniably impressive.
01:05It's honesty is all it is.
01:07I radiate lust, irresponsibility and sexism.
01:11Irresistible combination.
01:13I must say your timing's impeccable.
01:15Choosing the eve of my wedding to impart your little secret?
01:18It's like giving old-age pensioners a discount on the Kama-Sue truck.
01:22Are you going to go on working after you're married?
01:27I'm going to be working till I drop.
01:29God, what a failure I turned out.
01:32Why were you a layabout for so long?
01:34A political statement.
01:36My sacrifice to the cause.
01:37Oh?
01:38Absolutely.
01:39I didn't want to be part of the basically corrupt and immoral capitalist system.
01:43It was a sort of ethical UDI.
01:46Oh, yeah?
01:47That being bone idle.
01:50To thine own self be true.
01:53It's a wonderful thing, education.
01:56I mean, to the rest of us, you were just an idle sponger.
01:59Parasite on society.
02:00Snivelling little work shy.
02:02Whereas in fact...
02:03Social reformer.
02:04Moral crusader.
02:05Valiant martyr.
02:06Lazy little shit.
02:08What time is it?
02:13Oh, it's just turned midnight.
02:16Eleven hours to go.
02:21Are you decent, girls?
02:23Oh, er...
02:25Yeah, come in.
02:30I've brought you some tea.
02:31Oh.
02:32Oh, er...
02:34Sir.
02:35Is Francis up yet?
02:37No, no, not yet.
02:38I...
02:39I peeped in.
02:40Er...
02:41Still dead to the world.
02:42Yes, well, I'll see you downstairs.
02:44Thank you for the tea.
02:46Not at all.
02:47I'll, er...
02:48I'll see you downstairs.
02:52What in God's name does he want to get us up at this time for?
02:55Oh, I expect he's a bit nervous.
02:57You know, excited.
02:58It's his daughter who's getting married and she's blissfully asleep.
03:02Lucky cow.
03:03I only got to sleep half an hour ago thanks to this bloody bed.
03:08Yes, it is a bit hard.
03:10This one's made of damp quarry tiles.
03:13God, I'm knackered.
03:19Did you hear those owls all last night?
03:22Yes, a bit.
03:23God, I've never heard such noise.
03:25In the attic's infested with hyperactive wallabies.
03:29I thought they were mice.
03:32Mice?
03:33At the very least they were super rats.
03:36And the howling of those damned foxes.
03:40My God, there were some vulpine marriages consummated last night.
03:44What on earth are we going to do till the cars get here?
03:47Well, I don't know.
03:48Get ready, I suppose.
03:49Have some breakfast.
03:50Well, that'll be something.
03:51He does have wonderful food.
03:52Well, he grows it all himself.
03:53You're late, you lazy sod.
03:54Great stag night you have in Percy.
03:55I wish you wouldn't call me Percy.
03:57I don't still call you Bunter, do I?
03:58Why was I called Bunter?
04:00Why was I called Bunter?
04:01Because you were a great fat lump, why else?
04:02I wasn't all that fat.
04:03Of course you were.
04:04Of course you were.
04:05You still are.
04:06I used to write you all those notes to get you off gym.
04:07So you did.
04:09All that blubber quivering about on the wall by the side.
04:11And you didn't hear me.
04:12Could you be a kind of real fun thing?
04:13Who do you think that's a bit of a real fun thing that you've done?
04:14Can you feel a good fun thing?
04:15You feel a good fun thing?
04:16I know.
04:17So I could get you up outside.
04:18Hey, when I was going to kick it with your foot, I'm going to go for the button.
04:20You had a decent damn fucking thing.
04:21I could get you on your bunt.
04:22How did you get away?
04:23You had an stag night you have in Percy.
04:25I wish you wouldn't have called me Percy.
04:28I don't still call you Bunter, do I?
04:31Why was I called Bunter?
04:33Because you were a great fat lump, why else?
04:34I wasn't all that fat.
04:36Of course you were.
04:38You used to hate it, do anything to get out of it.
04:42Did you write the one that said I couldn't play rugby
04:45because I got malaria?
04:47Very lightly.
04:49That was the one they tumbled to.
04:51Not entirely surprising.
04:53You sure it was malaria?
04:55That or yellow fever.
04:57It's something you don't get an awful lot of in Battersea anyway.
05:00My God, that school leaver service was 11 years ago.
05:04I think it was the last time I was in church, actually.
05:07I'll be 30 soon.
05:10Big three next year.
05:12I'll be a father, a husband and an owner-occupier.
05:15We've finally made mediocrity.
05:17Still, you've kept your looks.
05:24Hello, hello.
05:26Terrific.
05:28Really? Sure.
05:30Maybe just a touch more mascara.
05:33Piss off.
05:35You look good enough to eat.
05:36Yeah, well, you can keep your hands off.
05:38Where's the car?
05:40Well, it's not actually due for an hour and a half.
05:47Hey, do you remember that time we tied Edwin Pollard up
05:51and locked him in the loo?
05:53Yeah.
05:54Hanging from the cistern?
05:56I don't think that was a very nice thing to do.
06:02I have since thought it less than gracious myself.
06:05Oh, Jonah thought he'd try to end it all.
06:08Do you remember, Jonah?
06:10How could I forget?
06:11What is it about teachers?
06:12I mean, they all have some absurd, grotesque physical peculiarity.
06:17Like it's a professional prerequisite.
06:20When I remember, Jonah, all I can think of is a white lab coat topped by a colossal red nose.
06:26Nothing else, just a nose blessed with the gift of speech and a dislike of small boys.
06:31Never crossed my mind that he might be in any way human.
06:35That we might have common ground.
06:37He got married the first year we were in school, you know.
06:40I know, I could never cope with that.
06:42Teachers' marriages are in the same category as royal childbearing.
06:47I mean, it's different, an alien and dehumanised.
06:51As far as I'm concerned, the Queen gave birth side saddle, saluting the gynaecologist
06:57and wishing us all a very merry Christmas.
07:01Jonah couldn't have been married like the rest of us.
07:03I mean, how does a nose make love?
07:07Procreate, profess undying love.
07:10There are limits to what a nose can do.
07:13Even one that can balance chemical equations.
07:17Wonder if he's still alive.
07:19I don't know.
07:20Well, how do you bury a biped nose?
07:23I mean, they were all grotesques.
07:26Grabber, that Latin guy.
07:28He was the fattest man in the world.
07:30He made Cyril Smith look like David Bowie.
07:34He couldn't help it.
07:35It's glandular.
07:37Oh, I know that.
07:38Every sympathy.
07:39But why did they all become teachers?
07:41That eight-foot physics guy, DP.
07:44He had a head like Karl Marx's gravestone.
07:47Some of them were okay.
07:49Frenchy waters was quite normal.
07:51Physically.
07:52It's out of what insubstantial mind he had.
07:54I grant you.
07:55But that's different.
07:56Drunken sims.
07:57Well, you see, I see that as the essence of normality.
08:01Anyone who spends all his time in a boys' grammar school without the need for alcoholic anaesthetic, I see as profoundly suspect.
08:09That's true enough.
08:12How much anaesthetic have we got through?
08:14Oh, haven't drunk a bottle yet?
08:16Yeah, I'd better watch it though.
08:17I can't stand being drunk.
08:19It'd be just dinkum if I lurch down the aisle tomorrow singing Nellie Dean.
08:22You're taking it all very well, I must say.
08:26Well, why not?
08:28You'll be having kittens tomorrow.
08:30Sweating buckets into your moss, bros.
08:32Steer.
08:33I'll have you to comfort me.
08:43Which church is it then, mate?
08:45Oh, St, um...
08:47Uh, St, uh...
08:48Um...
08:52Um...
08:53Don't tell me.
08:56It's got a spire.
08:58Or a tower.
09:00Or one or the other.
09:01I think.
09:02Well, surely you must know which church you're getting married at.
09:06Come on, your best man, what is it?
09:09Um...
09:10You've got to be kidding.
09:13St Margaret's, Holdsworth Hill, Fordhamley.
09:16You can go too far, you know.
09:18Mind you, the vicar looks as though his consumption of Alvino is far from restricted to his communion.
09:30We had a rehearsal yesterday.
09:31I had to hold his prayer book steady for him.
09:34He started off,
09:35Man that is born of woman hath but a short time to live.
09:39LAUGHTER
09:41Mercifully, I turned the pages before we got to Ashes to Ashes.
09:46LAUGHTER
09:47What did Fran say?
09:48Oh, her religious knowledge is such that he didn't notice the difference.
09:52I asked her to recite the Lord's Prayer the other day.
09:55She started off,
09:56The Lord is my shepherd.
09:58LAUGHTER
09:59I suppose exaggeration is a sin but you do do it with singular aplomb.
10:03One of the few talents I've got. Compulsive embellishment.
10:06I once told Jonah I'd not done my homework cos my dad had had a car accident and been rushed into intensive care.
10:13That was just a lie.
10:14Not at all. Dad had fallen off his bike and I'd stuck an elastoplast on his finger.
10:18LAUGHTER
10:19Jonah gave me the rest of the day off.
10:22Compassionate leave.
10:23See? A nose with compassion.
10:28Wonder why he jumped to the conclusion Pollard had tried to end it all.
10:33Well, the sort of life they gave us, it must have been a constant fear they had.
10:36Earl in our house tried it the other week.
10:39Really?
10:40Well, cry for help stuff. I had a go once.
10:43Well, I admit it's in character but I don't believe you.
10:45Sure, I left a poignant note, took a load of aspirins and off to bed.
10:49I woke up next day feeling great.
10:51The notes had gone.
10:53I found it two days later in mother's bag with a shopping list on the back.
10:58What did your mother say?
11:00Nothing much. Asked me if I wanted it back.
11:06How many aspirins do you take?
11:08Oh, I don't know. A few.
11:10How many?
11:12Six.
11:14Well, the dose was two and I didn't even have a headache.
11:18Well, what was the motive?
11:19You know, I was worried about things.
11:21Man's in humanity to man, Nazi war atrocities, people starving in the third world and...
11:27Because I thought I got Penny Robinson in trouble.
11:29What?
11:32Big Penny?
11:34Oh.
11:36Had you got her in trouble?
11:37Oh.
11:38Hardly any reason to suppose I had, but then panicking's always been my strong point.
11:43And I thought of all those backstreet abortionists and old biddies talking about hot baths and pints of gin was doing more for me than a lorry load of old brand.
11:50Not to mention confronting her parents.
11:52They were heavily into God, right?
11:54Absolutely.
11:55Mother looked like she consumed platefuls of raw children on the hour.
12:00Dad wasn't so bad.
12:02I mean, the bolt through his neck threw you a bit first.
12:04No, they'd given Penny a very strict upbringing, which predictably resulted in her becoming what is known in the trade as a bit of a goer.
12:17It was this indisputably attractive facet of her personality that I'd found irresistible.
12:21I was terrified I was going to end up married to Penny Dreadful.
12:26And she was affectionately known.
12:28Blimey.
12:30Still, I think you've done rather better than Penny.
12:33Oh, yeah. On balance.
12:35She's wearing white, you know.
12:37So I gather.
12:38A bun bursting out of the oven, she's traipsing down the aisle like an overplay.
12:46Well, she looks pretty bloody knockout, I can tell you.
12:48I'm so glad.
12:50My son's a lucky sod.
12:53God knows he doesn't deserve it.
12:58Well, maybe now he'll get up off his bum and face up to a few things.
13:01We live in hope.
13:03Well, he does actually work quite hard now.
13:07I don't call what he does work.
13:09An advertising agency.
13:11A prostitute.
13:13That's what he is, no other word for it.
13:15Well, there's all sorts of work.
13:16I mean, it's mental, isn't it?
13:18Gets paid an absolute bloody bomb for it, too.
13:21Makes you sick.
13:23Does he really?
13:25Fortunes.
13:26He's been promoted twice already.
13:27Luck of the devil.
13:29I hadn't realised he was doing so...
13:32Well?
13:33Oh, well isn't the word for it.
13:35He'll be running that evil little propaganda machine in a year or two.
13:38You mark my words.
13:39My God, to think I spawned a capitalist lackey.
13:43Cut price special offer little Goebbels.
13:46There's no way you can tell how they're going to turn out.
13:49I used to read him George Orwell at bedtime.
13:51He could sing the red flag by the time he was five.
13:54Now look at him.
13:56Like he's not, he'll end up rich as creases.
13:59Breaks your heart.
14:01My only child.
14:03Had him when I was 16, you know.
14:05God almighty!
14:09Oh yes.
14:10Shotgun wedding.
14:11Just like this one.
14:15God knows what his child will turn out to be.
14:20Oh, it brings it home to you, doesn't it?
14:22Them getting married, all that water under the bridge.
14:24Yeah, it does.
14:27He's nearly 30, you know.
14:29And still an innocent.
14:31He was such a marvellous little boy.
14:33I used to look up to him.
14:34He was great help then.
14:36I mean, God knows I was still a child and his father was no use to man nor beast.
14:41Idle little philanderer.
14:44Gordon, have thee calls?
14:46Um, no.
14:47Actually, they're not.
14:48Do?
14:49For a while, yeah.
14:54Sexist sod, I am.
15:02Yeah.
15:04No need to agree with quite such alacrity.
15:07Well, we were brought up sexist for God's sake.
15:10I mean, how many boys at Barlow Road Segregated Grammar took domestic science?
15:16And if they did, they'd be assumed homosexual.
15:19Yeah, quite right.
15:20I must say, it was a traumatic shock for me when I discovered that women were people, too.
15:27Sexism, Toryism and Christianity.
15:30That was the syllabus.
15:32Sexism, yes.
15:33But sex itself, of course, was unspeakably dreadful in any of its manifestations.
15:38Didn't exist.
15:39Mind you, times have changed there.
15:41Very glad to hear it.
15:42Even our pregnancy rate suggests an encouraging increase in practical experimentation, in that area.
15:48It'll be on the O-level syllabus before we pop our clocks.
15:53They've abolished the cane in London schools, you know.
15:56I know, I know.
15:58I could hardly believe it.
16:00A millimetre on the road to sanity in my lifetime.
16:02With a Tory government on the throne of England.
16:04Rhodes Boyson must be turning in his grave.
16:08I bet he is. I bet he is.
16:11Actually, Rhodes Boyson isn't dead.
16:16Entirely a matter of personal conviction.
16:21Is that rain?
16:22No, no, it's the leaves on the glass.
16:25Don't want to get me costume wet tomorrow.
16:27LAUGHTER
16:28Well, it's a nice day for it.
16:51Yes.
16:53Yes, it is.
16:55I do hope it doesn't.
16:56Oh, I don't think it will.
16:58No.
17:00The forecast was...
17:02Dry and sunny.
17:03In all areas.
17:04Yes.
17:06It's a lovely church, isn't it?
17:09We like it.
17:11Mrs Smith was...
17:13Married there?
17:15Scattered there.
17:20Pardon?
17:22Her ashes.
17:23Oh.
17:24Oh.
17:25Oh.
17:26That's nice.
17:27It rained that day.
17:32Your husband...
17:34William?
17:35Wasn't able to be...
17:37Oh, he had to work.
17:38What a shame.
17:40Still business before...
17:42Pleasure.
17:43What sort of line is he?
17:49He's a spot welder.
17:51Oh, that's nice.
17:53He likes it.
17:55What sort of spots does he weld?
17:56On metal windows.
17:58Metal windows?
18:00Yes.
18:01Wouldn't they be rather dark?
18:03Hey.
18:05Do you meet Mrs Goddard?
18:07Is that the woman...
18:09Who never finishes...
18:11What she's saying?
18:12Yeah.
18:14Yes.
18:15Yes.
18:17Yes, I did.
18:19Who is she exactly?
18:20Well, nominally a housekeeper.
18:22In fact, they're obviously...
18:23Having...
18:24An affair.
18:25Mm.
18:27There's the vicar.
18:28Lovely frock he's got on.
18:29Mm.
18:30Very fetching.
18:32If anyone else walks around like that, they'd get arrested.
18:35You suppose he's a suspenders or a tights man?
18:38Well, I'm not sure.
18:40No, I'm not sure.
18:42No, I'm not sure.
18:43You've got to be a good friend.
18:44No, I'm not sure.
18:45It's a good friend.
18:46If you're not sure.
18:48You're not sure.
18:49Can you get a good friend, mate?
18:51You're not sure.
18:52I'm not sure.
18:53or a tights man well it is hinted darkly that they have a Scottish approach to
18:58the problem beautiful church amazing you know when they built the great churches
19:04of this country the people lived in abject squalor in mud huts
19:08dreadful they should have built tower blocks instead of course they should
19:11center points with stained-glass windows and flying buttresses what do people
19:16make of our age that's not so bad national theater the post office tower
19:20harlow newtown yes yes that is a little short of zanadu or the new jerusalem i will admit
19:27yep so why didn't ned do the best men bit exactly he's in australia australia
19:36but australia's full of australians i pointed this out to him in no uncertain terms but to no avail
19:45well what's he doing there denting the reserves of foster's lager i should think
19:49ned's got somewhat elementary notions about australia he thinks it's all billabongs and
19:54flying doctors i told him it was just croydon in the sun but he wouldn't listen
19:59good morning you well i thank you vicar yourself oh yes you do both look very smart well we ran them
20:10up ourselves well worth it i do hate marrying people in outlandish clothes friend of mine
20:19birmingham last week had to officiate at a punk wedding my god oh i mean god actually the chap wasn't
20:27too bad he was in a mourning suit but the trouser leg was joined by a short strap well he asked to
20:33remove it the strap oh indeed he said what it joined together no man should put asunder
20:39what about the lady oh it was a white wedding dress very frothy with a veil sounds okay it finished
20:48at the navel all beneath was crimson tights and tennis shoes good gracious i do love tights
20:56uh good god that is my word yes indeed a slight inadequacy in the garments an unadorned gap quite
21:11so did the ceremony proceed a good god no i mean no of course not not until the deficiency was made up
21:19of an item of chorister's apparel how did the chorister feel about that oh it was a surplus garment
21:26two replies spare i mean so all went off well in the end well alas no they filed for divorce the
21:37following tuesday how old were you when your dad ran off with the au pair about 11. mrs wilkins was
21:50not what you'd call an au pair she wasn't a char lady oh hello good old class distinction raising
21:57it's ugly adultery denied char ladies now is it yeah she was like penny robinson she was on the
22:05physically enthusiastic side saw the old man off anyway she keeps asked for a rock band now
22:13she's the oldest geriatric groupie in the business oh well let's pay it in time yeah yeah
22:25uh your last batch of sleep enjoy it i will
22:39i will
22:53psss
23:03I will.
23:14Then get up early and put your nice moss bros on.
23:33I will.
24:03This bed's empty.
24:17I hate sleeping alone.
24:21I'm not inclined to oblige, old man.
24:26You can go and chase yourself.
24:31Good night.
24:33Good night.
24:40I pronounce that they be man and wife together in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost.
24:50Amen.
24:52I do love you, Shelley.
24:55This is no time for sentimentality.