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00:00I'll see you next time
00:30What is life?
01:00Who do you think I'm talking to, the sauce bottle?
01:14I am English, yes.
01:16Vanishing breed.
01:18Chap that runs this place is a Dago.
01:22He comes from Cookham.
01:25Where's that?
01:26Greece?
01:27Berkshire, how do you know that?
01:32I've got a degree in Geography.
01:35I mean, how do you know he comes from there?
01:38I asked him.
01:39Why do you ask him that?
01:41Why do you ask me if I was English?
01:43That doesn't answer my question.
01:45Are you English?
01:47Ah, now that is a moot point.
01:51Jolly good.
01:52I was born in Penzance.
01:55Where's Penzance?
01:57Cornwall.
01:58You are good at geography.
02:00But just because you're born in a stable doesn't mean you're a horse, does it?
02:05Where would the Christian faith be if it did?
02:08I never discuss religion.
02:12You went to university then?
02:13Yes.
02:14Did you?
02:15Oh, yes.
02:16Good.
02:17The university of life.
02:19That's where I start.
02:23To get back to my original question, what do you think you're doing here?
02:27Hmm?
02:28Waiting for my wife.
02:30What's she doing?
02:31Lying on her back, grunting.
02:35What?
02:36She's pregnant, has a relaxation class.
02:39When she's finished relaxing, she'll meet me here.
02:42Why aren't you with her?
02:43Well, to be perfectly honest with you, when the room is full of 20 enormously pregnant women,
02:48lying on their backs and waving their legs in the air, I definitely feel a bit surplus to requirements.
02:53I hope you won't think me narrow-minded or old-fashioned in any way.
02:57Oh, no, no.
02:59What are you doing here?
03:01Ah!
03:02Well, this is it, isn't it?
03:03This is the question.
03:05I mean, for what did I crawl forth from a primeasal sludge?
03:09Primeval.
03:10What?
03:11Primeval sludge.
03:13Are you telling me what sludge I come from?
03:16Well, it's usually referred to as the primeval or primordial sludge.
03:20I mean, forgive me for correcting you, I just hate to see an untidy cliché.
03:24What do you mean, usually?
03:26Well, when this sort of conversation is embarked upon,
03:29and the air becomes thick with, uh, makes you think, unimaginable, isn't it, and what are we doing here,
03:34and references made to that enigmatic moment at which life began on our planet,
03:38then, usually, someone drops a primeval or primordial sludge remark into their glass of Algerian burgundy.
03:45Yeah?
03:46In my experience.
03:48This enigmatic moment, then, what happened, exactly?
03:53Well, no-one knows. That's why it's enigmatic.
03:56Fair enough. Point taken.
03:59Very good, yes.
04:01Sausage egg and chips and a slice half a tea whip.
04:04Where was it, then?
04:07What?
04:08This moment when life began. Where was it?
04:11Like, Africa? Arctic? America? Finsbury Park?
04:16Well, those places didn't exist, then.
04:19I know that.
04:21Well, I'm not stupid. God save us.
04:24I know Finsbury Park didn't exist before there were men.
04:27God love us. Never heard of a joke, have you? Eh?
04:30Never said anything amusing in your life? No sense of humour? Dear me.
04:35I ask a simple question. Where did life start?
04:38And you're jumping down my throat about Finsbury Park.
04:41Perhaps I'd better explain a few other things so we're clear.
04:44I mean, this cafe didn't exist either.
04:47I mean, in case you think I'm a total idiot,
04:49I'm prepared to tell you here and now that life did not start in this cafe.
04:55All right? Happy now?
05:00I'm awfully sorry. I really didn't mean to offend.
05:05But, you see, America and Africa weren't here either.
05:09There was just this lump of land which later broke up and became these places.
05:14Are you sure about this?
05:16Absolutely. I've got a degree in geography.
05:20Fair enough. Point taken.
05:23Well, well. When was this then?
05:28Well, a long time ago.
05:30Well, why?
05:31Well, as a consequence of the Earth's cooling, I suppose.
05:34Hot, was it?
05:36When it broke off the sun, it was extremely hot. Yes. Molten at one time.
05:40Oh, I remember that. Yes. Broke off the sun. Yes.
05:44Why was that then?
05:46Well, that's rather beyond the scope of my studies,
05:49but I should imagine it was all part of the general expansion of the universe.
05:54Tell me about the general expansion of the universe.
05:59Look, you wouldn't rather talk about the weather, would you?
06:02Hmm?
06:03Or Arsenal's midfield play? Or Anna Ford's breath control?
06:06Would you?
06:08Well, maybe in a moment.
06:11The name is Derek Nayland.
06:14James Shelley. How do you do?
06:16Well, it's called the Big Bang Theory.
06:22The Big Bang Theory?
06:24Yes, it's only theory. We're in a doubtful area here.
06:27Are you sure about that?
06:28I'm absolutely certain it's doubtful, yeah.
06:30Fair enough. Point taken.
06:32This theory states that at one time,
06:35everything in the universe was compacted into one enormous lump.
06:39Everything.
06:40I mean, all the liquid, solid, gas in the world was in this lump.
06:45Before you go any further...
06:47Yeah?
06:48Could I ask one thing?
06:49What?
06:50Could you spare the price of a cup of tea, please?
06:53Four sugars.
06:54Four sugars?
06:57Oh, yes. I must have my sugar energy food sugar.
07:00Yeah.
07:01Right.
07:02Excuse me.
07:03Yes.
07:08Two teas, please.
07:09You don't want to buy him teas. He's a nutter.
07:11No, he's just a bit eccentric.
07:13Two sugars in mine and four in his, please.
07:16Eccentric? He's a bleeding nutter.
07:18Four sugars?
07:19That's what he said.
07:20I can't go putting four sugars in whatever next.
07:23I'll be out of business in a fortnight.
07:25Look, 12p a cup.
07:2712p.
07:28I can't put four sugars in.
07:30What do you think this place is in on the bar?
07:32Well, just put one sugar in mine, it'll sort of even it out.
07:34That's beside the point.
07:36Well, I'll pay extra, then.
07:37He doesn't want four sugars.
07:39Oh, he was most insistent on this point.
07:41That cost you 24p.
07:44Four sugars.
07:45And don't think I'm making a habit of this.
07:50Thanks very much.
07:53Now then, this lump.
08:08Where is it?
08:10Well, it isn't anywhere, really.
08:12Well, it's got to be somewhere.
08:15Yeah, but it is the entire universe, so you can't place it at all.
08:19Well, it must be somewhere.
08:21What's it made of?
08:23Atomic matter.
08:24What's that?
08:25Well, that's what everything's made of.
08:27How do you mean?
08:28Well, the atomic matter's the same, whatever the substance.
08:30It's the form of the atom, and its combination into molecules,
08:34that makes things what they are.
08:36How's that, then?
08:37Well, take three separate things.
08:39Say, a pillar box, um, Caesar's last breath,
08:42and a shovel full of horse manure.
08:46They're all made of the same atomic matter in different forms.
08:50Julius Caesar, do you mean?
08:52Well, I did, but I mean, any Caesar would do.
08:55Or anyone you like.
08:57I remember him.
08:58Julius Caesar, 1066.
09:03Well, to nitpick, that was actually William the Conqueror.
09:06But his last breath will do just as well.
09:08Why, had an arrow go through his eye.
09:13That was Harold.
09:14Harold?
09:15Harold who?
09:16King Harold, the other chap, the defending champion.
09:19Oh.
09:20How many sugars do you put in this?
09:30Four.
09:31Oh, it's bloody sweet, I can tell you.
09:35I can hardly drink it.
09:37Do you ever think about that?
09:38What?
09:39Having an arrow go through your eye.
09:40By and large, I don't dwell on it, no.
09:41Not nice, that.
09:42Shouldn't think he knew much about it.
09:43I wonder who fired it.
09:44Well, look, I don't think anyone knows, you know.
09:45In the general confusion, it's not been established who exactly shot the arrow.
09:47It's a long time ago now.
09:48Well, it must have been gone into.
09:52Yes, well, that's more in the history line than geography, you see.
09:54Ah, fair enough.
09:55Point taken.
10:17Is your teeth out of your eye?
10:18as sweet as this no only i had two sugars i can hardly drink this i thought you asked for four
10:24sugars go on about the horse manure well i rather think we've covered the horse manure well this
10:32lump thing well it explodes why's that well i will admit i don't know
10:41could i have another cup of tea arthur with you want another cup of tea you come up here
10:45and get it i'm not a bleeding waiter what do you think this place is avoid grill
10:53are you sure he comes from cookham no i don't know where he comes from i made that up
10:59well why'd you say he came from there then why'd you say he was a day goat well that doesn't answer
11:04my question well it does in a way i mean it's not a nice thing to call someone is it for no reason
11:09neither's nutter what it's not nice to call someone a nutter either i haven't called anyone
11:18a nutter no he calls me a nutter oh here matt burke you say isn't a dago here who's a dago
11:25who are you calling a dago ain't right you oppit what you weren't oppi get out of it you're a
11:31troublemaker he doesn't mean any heart really you keep at this you don't know he keeps coming in here
11:37then i've had enough oppics well that's a bit unkind do i look like a dago oh to be completely
11:44candid with you i don't even know what a dago is although uh i will admit it doesn't have the
11:49ring of a compliment to it but uh this gentleman did say you weren't one also he hasn't finished his
11:54tea i mean i got him his tea so uh let's just say he's with me hey he's my guest your guest well what
12:01do you think this place is playboy club hey churchill's is he i mean i think you're as big a
12:07nutter as what he is yes stuff me that's a good guest can you finish about this lump because i can't
12:17stay much longer sorry yeah well very quickly this lump explodes into millions of fragments the planets
12:25and the stars and so on which fall outwards towards a given limit whereupon they will all fall back again
12:31to form the lump once more which then explodes and so on i still don't understand yeah well i dare
12:39say i haven't explained it too well why should you say he comes from cookum
12:45you don't have to come with me you know i like to come with you i do a bit of shopping anyway mrs h is
13:06meeting us today oh good i told her to see you in that cath oh what well i uh wasn't going to go in
13:14there anymore why last time there was a nutter there i spent all my time explaining the meaning
13:21of life and the history of the universe these are things you're an authority on are they well
13:25i made a mistake of telling him i had a degree in geography didn't i you seem to think that made me
13:31philosophical advisor and chief speechwriter to the supreme being well i don't suppose it'd be there
13:36again no he even asked me to buy him a cup of tea with four sugars okay with four sugars sweet tooth
13:47eh so the guy who runs the place arthur gives me a really bad time about it what if everyone wanted
13:52four sugars exactly so i get him his four bloody sugars and he does nothing the whole half hour
13:57but moan on about our sweetest tears it's only mad i thought you were talking about the meaning of
14:03life well we were two things he wanted from me the answer to the riddle of the universe and a cup of
14:09sweet tea these things figured equally in his desire i think then he does nothing but moan about the
14:15sugars i could have hit him he's longing to pour the bloody tea all over it well why didn't you well
14:21i was being nicey nicey liberal wasn't i trying to live up to the guardian i wasn't being allowed to read
14:26this poor unfortunate chubby can't help being a nut he's lonely all he wants is a bit of a chat i am
14:31at a loose end so i'm stuck explaining the big bang theory and the battle of hastings
14:38what's the big bang theory oh you know i don't know well i'm not going through all that now
14:45oh i see strange nutters in greasy caps they get the full rennie descartes plus sweet tea your own wife
14:52there is this big lump where
14:58it isn't anywhere it's got to be somewhere do you know that bit of green down by the clock where the
15:03buses turn around yes well just go down past the bread shop it's bang opposite the duke of kenny
15:08i don't know where it is it isn't anywhere there is nowhere for it to be there is just this lump and
15:15nothing else it has no place it is a locationless lump you can't have a locationless lump you could
15:22then on account of the fact that there weren't any locations why can't people grasp a simple thing
15:28there is this enormous lump and nothing else so it can't be anywhere well it doesn't exist then does
15:34it well okay maybe it's a theory that proves we don't exist i don't know i didn't make the rules
15:40everyone talks to me like i'm god's right-hand man maybe it's a theory that proves we're not here
15:45well i don't want that silly sort of conversation well neither do i trying not to have that sort of
15:50conversation has been the story of my life recently anyway go on there isn't anywhere but there is this
15:59lump and it explodes why because god and me were having a chat one day and i said yeah i've got this
16:06great idea why don't we explode this lump see what happens oh yeah what did god say well you know god he'd
16:12try anything once i don't know why it explodes the theory states that it does the fragments fall
16:20outwards until they reach a given limit when they all fall back again to form the lump once more
16:25which then explodes again and so on ad infinitum does that mean everything keeps happening over and
16:31over again yes yes it does this conversation has happened many times before in a minute you ask me
16:38one more unanswerable question and i'll bludgeon you to death with a lacrosse frying pan at the trial i
16:44get off on grounds of extreme provocation i then marry a nice girl with an uninquiring mind and a large
16:50chest and live happily ever after thanks arthur
17:04how's the wife oh hello on her back is she that's right waving her legs in the air grunting i guess so not had it then not yet
17:27i wasn't gonna come in here today uh-huh now i don't like to get set in my ways
17:34well it doesn't do bad for the rhythms is it but then i saw you on your own
17:39ah well um i won't be here long you know i got the paper you know with your tea
17:46yes yes yes he uh he does a nice job of twinings caterers hmm i was about ready for that
17:55and your bun oh well the bun is a yet to be sampled delight
18:05i see you read the guardian when i can yeah
18:09liberal paper together i don't like liberals well my wife's in agreement with you there
18:26can i get you a cup of tea at all and a bun four sugars
18:31how about these sugars you have yes sugar's bad for the rhythms where did you pick that up a friend
18:44of mine's a doctor i mean he often says that sugar's bad for the uh bad for the rhythm well he must be
18:48a nutter then it's nothing like sugar oh it's sweet i must have my four sugars right excuse me
18:55yes two teas please uh one with um two sugars and the other with um
19:09well uh two sugars in both please and a bun but uh put all the sugars in one cup
19:13i don't mind you don't want to go on encouraging him you know you're telling me i don't
19:27it's not good
19:34thanks
19:40hi
19:45oh hello mrs h um i'll get your tea oh thanks very much tea please no sugar you'll have to wait i'm
19:52make him fresh here do you know how i clean it no stare at him brings it up a tree
20:02yes i've heard of that that's the dodge they use at the inn on the park must be
20:12must be remarkable being married to a man with a degree in geography
20:19uh pardon very useful when you want to know where somewhere is
20:26you don't look pregnant
20:30i've seen pregnant women women who are going to have babies had a good class
20:37oh i see oh i'm not married to shelley oh it's no skin off my nose
20:43i have read of people uh in the press who have had babies without knowing
20:53women that is
20:55how could they not know well they know they're having it but it's just a surprise they're expecting
21:02well that's ridiculous i mean how could you not know i mean
21:06there's ways
21:13this uh lying on your back
21:18what's it good for exactly
21:23pardon you you don't mind my asking oh no
21:28when you lie on your back grunting you know
21:36waving your legs in the air
21:39the relaxment how does that help
21:47i don't know
21:47then why do you do it
21:54i'm not pregnant oh your husband was telling me all about it the other day when we were
21:59discussing the big bang theory
22:04what is your posturation about life
22:09look i'm not married to shelley i'm married to someone else
22:14his wife hasn't arrived yet
22:16well i'm not narrow-minded
22:20apparently uh the last time we uh we had a chat this was the case
22:25apparently there's this enormous exploding lump that explains everything
22:33trouble is no one can find it
22:36lump of what
22:41well it's partly horse manure
22:52how do you mean
22:54well horse manure you know horses oh yes yes
22:59i know what it is i mean
23:02how can it explain anything well according to the big bang theory
23:11everything is made of the same stuff as horse manure
23:16basically
23:18good heavens
23:21well i never knew that
23:22what is your posturation then
23:29what where do you think you come from
23:33well i know where i come from
23:36i was born in braintree
23:40oh sorry about that uh
23:43he had to make fresh and the um the boiler was empty
23:47don't say a word
23:47where is braintree
23:53essex
23:54you see you can ask him anywhere
23:58you can put him on take your pick and get people to ask him where places are
24:04i hope your tea's okay this time
24:05hmm
24:06oh i don't like tea much
24:08well it was very nice meeting you but i must go now
24:15yeah i shouldn't have come in at all really sorry i can't stop
24:23he didn't touch his bloody tea
24:25i went without sugar for him and he didn't touch it nor his bloody bun
24:29i hate the guardian
24:32there you go
24:33here
24:42shelley
24:45what's the big bang theory
24:58will
25:07you
25:07can
25:10you
25:10can
25:11you
25:11can
25:12see
25:12on
25:13we can
25:15or
25:16we can
25:18we can
25:19or
25:20we can
25:20see
25:21you
25:22i
25:23can
25:24help
25:24but
25:24with
25:25we can
25:25please
25:25we can
25:26stand