Taskmaster - S19 E03 - My Presumably Scrotum
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00:00This was a mistake
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:37Hello! Hello, Uncle Davis.
00:39Welcome to Taskmaster.
00:41There's a famous Shakespearean idiom which simply states,
00:45Brevity is the soul of wit.
00:47But I'm taking advice from you, am I?
00:49A man who wears a giant detachable collar, doubt it.
00:52I bet you didn't even write your plays, shaky.
00:54Swear down.
00:55Give me advice about what's funny running around London
00:58with a dog piece sticking out of your leggings,
01:00and I'm listening to you about the introduction to a comedy show, am I?
01:04Wouldn't have thought so, Shakespeare!
01:06What should I do?
01:08Just come on and say, forsooth, or something?
01:10That's proper put me in a bad mood, that is.
01:14Going bald and then growing your hair long anyway,
01:17now you're lecturing me about introductions?
01:20That's proper put me in a bad mood, that is, shaky.
01:24So...
01:27..good luck to our contestants.
01:29They are...
01:31..Fatih El Ghori!
01:34Jason Manzuka!
01:37Matthew Bainton!
01:39Rosie Ramsey!
01:42And Stevie Martin!
01:46And next to me, a man who told me in private
01:49that he once ran his fingers over the seat of a chair
01:52and someone told him Princess Anna sat on it.
01:57Peter Yianniton!
02:02You've been amazing, Rosie.
02:04Take it away, mate.
02:05This is your chat section, it's all yours.
02:07Yeah, and I'm glad you call me mate, cos we are mates and we hang out.
02:10And what do we do when we hang out?
02:12We...
02:13..do...
02:14..word searches.
02:18We always do our word searches, don't we?
02:20So I've got one for you, Greg.
02:21Can you spot five words, Greg?
02:22Have a look at the word search.
02:23Five words.
02:24I love a word search.
02:25What can you see, Greg?
02:26Five words there.
02:27Yeah, I can see Greg.
02:28Greg.
02:29I see Greg run a lot.
02:30It says,
02:31Alex is cool guy, am I right?
02:34Alex is cool...
02:36Let's start the show.
02:38Let's start the show.
02:40Let's move on to the prize task.
02:42OK, here we go, then.
02:43And this week, we're both interested
02:45because they've been asked to bring in the best thing
02:47for a middle-aged man to keep on his bedside table.
02:52As always, five points for the best thing.
02:54At the end of the show, five things for a middle-aged man
02:56could well go home with a young-aged woman,
02:58but which thing will Greg like best?
03:00Guys, it's time to find out.
03:02Hello, Rosie.
03:03Hello.
03:04What have you imagined?
03:07I've got two children.
03:08I've got two boys.
03:09OK.
03:10I adore them.
03:11They are literally my entire world.
03:14One day, they're going to grow up...
03:16Hmm.
03:17..and they're not going to want anything to do with me.
03:19Oh.
03:22So I just thought, if there was a picture of me
03:24on the side of their bed... Yeah.
03:26..that they could just go,
03:27Oh, I'll text her today.
03:28Just that.
03:29I don't want anything more than that.
03:31You want a constant reminder to yourself...
03:34No, not constant.
03:35..on their best.
03:36No, listen.
03:38Right, listen.
03:39Look, look at the...
03:40It's not constant cos, look, I put a little...
03:43APPLAUSE
03:50You put a sex curtain on your mum's bed.
03:52I put a sex curtain...
03:54Your kids' partners in middle age.
03:57Oh, they won't have partners. Are you kidding?
04:01My sons are doomed!
04:04I'm not that bad.
04:05And I think that's the intention of this device.
04:08Mums are always watching.
04:10Who's next?
04:11Matt.
04:12Matthew.
04:13I think the best thing for a middle-aged man
04:15to have on his bedside table is a book of poetry.
04:20Devotions by Mary Oliver.
04:22On a pretentious easel.
04:26There's something about middle age.
04:30Your back hurts.
04:32Your children don't respect you.
04:34Your partner even less so.
04:36Do you need your mum?
04:37Do you need your mum?
04:38Whatever humble achievement...
04:46So, so far...
04:47So, this hypothetical middle-aged man...
04:50OK.
04:51He reaches over, he opens the book, he reads a poem
04:54and something speaks to his heart and his heart opens
04:59and there's a little bit more magic in his world.
05:04Are they uplifting? Are the poems uplifting?
05:06They are very uplifting.
05:07Can you name some of her poems?
05:08Well, the one that springs to mind doesn't support my argument
05:11but it's called When Death Comes.
05:18Two down.
05:19Two down.
05:20Stevie to go.
05:21So, I think that what a middle-aged man would need in his life
05:26is, like, a bit of mystery.
05:28Yeah, I agree.
05:29Like, a bit of, like, oh, hang on, what's happening there?
05:31So far, I agree.
05:32OK.
05:33I'll agree if you agree, yeah.
05:34I think if you put, like, a quill on your bedside table...
05:39Fucking hell.
05:42She's got a quill.
05:43A quill?
05:44Yeah, there's a quill.
05:46It's a nice one.
05:48You'd just be a bit like, what's that doing there?
05:50Like, why do you need it?
05:52And it would open up a conversation that might be interesting.
05:56I've never given everyone one point before.
06:00Right, Jason.
06:01So, I now cannot sleep the night through without having to get up
06:04once or twice to go to the bathroom.
06:07I'm on three.
06:08Three? OK.
06:09So, you're just a couple of years ahead of me.
06:11And you know what?
06:12It's good to have a little flashlight, or as you call it,
06:14a torch, on your bedside table so that you can find your way
06:17to the bathroom without turning all the lights on
06:19and thus waking yourself up.
06:20Can I say, this man is speaking my language.
06:25Here's the thing.
06:26I went a little overboard.
06:28A normal flashlight has between 80 and 120 lumens.
06:32The flashlight I brought has 200,000 lumens.
06:36And I was told, for your safety,
06:39I could not turn it on in the studio with people in it.
06:43Your dumb health and safety said that I couldn't endanger the audience.
06:48Yeah, it is dumb.
06:49It is dumb not to blind people on a light entertainment show.
06:52If we were in America, we could blind every single person in here
06:57for the sake of comedy, even these assholes.
07:04Here's Jason wielding the Lumen Monster.
07:10Oh!
07:13That is bright.
07:14It's the equivalent of 5,000 iPhone torches at once.
07:18Fatia, I dread to ask what you've brought in.
07:21So, I brought an orange with the word audacity written on it.
07:28LAUGHTER
07:33Yeah.
07:34Something that middle-aged men have a massive supply of is audacity.
07:39All right? So, this is what you do.
07:41You wake up in the morning and juice it and drink that audacity
07:46so you don't inflict it on anybody else.
07:50APPLAUSE
07:54What do you mean audacious? I mean, I know what audacious means.
07:57You's lot got some fucking front.
08:01This will remind you to keep that front inside.
08:05All right?
08:06Good luck, Greg. Good luck, everyone.
08:08What is the worst thing for a middle-aged man?
08:10Worst? It's the quill.
08:12Fuck!
08:15I think this will make you feel better. I'm giving that two points.
08:18It's less than the orange.
08:21One to Stevie, two to Rosie. Great.
08:23I'm going to give Matthew three points.
08:25Three for Matt, OK.
08:26The orange is so weird.
08:29I think the principle of it, it's interesting that we should all,
08:32you know, just get ourselves in check sometimes.
08:34But I can't fight my instinct, which is I want the big torch, so...
08:39There we go. Five points for Jason and Matthew, please.
08:44OK, then, next task.
08:45Off we go, everyone. Come on.
08:46Can somebody please hurry up and answer that smell?
09:02Peek-a-boo.
09:05I'll be watching.
09:07Always watching. Bit weird.
09:09Answer the cheese phone.
09:12Cheese.
09:14I hear cheese.
09:19Where are you getting that horn from?
09:32Fastest wins.
09:34None of this makes sense so far.
09:39Immediately confusing.
09:42Are you going to use all your senses? Yeah.
09:44OK, I'm going to play the French horn when you move.
09:46OK. Can you actually...
09:49Let's do the movement one, then.
09:51I haven't moved yet. Don't blow it.
09:54Your head's moving.
09:58I suspect I'm more likely to succeed
10:02if, in fact, you are playing the French horn.
10:06I'm only going to use my sense of smell.
10:08I'm going to have to put a blindfold on you, earmuffs,
10:10because you're in a suite and you have to wear gloves.
10:12Yeah.
10:13You've got to go high-risk, high-yield.
10:16Why not? Just a sense of smell.
10:18Shall I put this away? Yeah.
10:20That's for your sense of touch.
10:28Just suck on that and if you could read the last line of the task.
10:36The time starts now.
10:41APPLAUSE
10:43Well, as Stevie says,
10:45you've got to go high-risk and high-yield.
10:50We're going to start with those two people at the end.
10:53It's Fatia and Jason.
10:56HORN PLAYS
11:08You're going to get an ASBO if you carry on like that.
11:10An ASBO? Yeah, an ASBO.
11:14I've found a clue. It says cheese is great.
11:17Oh, interesting. Let's go. Come on.
11:19I mean, is it possible that it's very obviously here?
11:23Hello?
11:28Oh, it must be the sneeze phone.
11:30That's the sneeze phone? Yeah, by the tissues.
11:34Hello? Do you think it's the cheese phone?
11:36It looks like the bees phone. Oh, no.
11:38You need to answer the cheese phone.
11:42There's something in here. OK.
11:44Oh, this... Hello?
11:48Who was that?
11:50It's the sneeze phone. Yeah.
11:52This appears to be the knees phone.
11:54You need to answer the cheese phone.
12:02Oh, I've lost him.
12:05Graters are usually in the cupboard.
12:07Are you looking for a grater?
12:16What's that noise?
12:18It's the phone ringing.
12:25Now, I have found a task.
12:27Ah.
12:29Read this out loud and in full.
12:31If you fail to read this out loud and in full,
12:33you will fail the current task.
12:35Dear Jason, congratulations.
12:37You have looked under the table and found this.
12:39A letter just for you. Who has no weakness?
12:41You didn't have such curious instincts
12:43and wouldn't have you use personal...
12:45You are Jason. And I'm going to tell you something.
12:48I think you've got what it takes to win Taskmaster.
12:55Is it that?
12:58For some time now, I've wanted to talk to Greg.
13:00To tell him how much I respect him in my life.
13:04But I think you're better.
13:06I think you should be the Taskmaster.
13:08Goodbye, Alex Horne.
13:10Wow. That's huge.
13:12You are against the clock.
13:15Can I just say that this is...
13:17Are you going to answer it?
13:19Of course I'm going to answer it when I get the cheese off it.
13:25What's in the balloon?
13:27Congratulations.
13:29You have discovered the magic moustache
13:31and must wear it until the end of the task.
13:33Don't mind if I do.
13:35Hello? Welcome to the Cheese Call Centre.
13:37I've found it. Can I go now?
13:39Yeah, you can go. Thank you.
13:41You found it in the grating.
13:44BEEPING
13:46Disgusting.
13:48Hello?
13:50You've reached the Cheese Call Centre.
13:52What would you like to discuss?
13:54You haven't said anything about my moustache.
13:56I got her to laugh.
14:03I find the phone puns just irritating.
14:06Did they irritate you too?
14:08Massively.
14:10What I find in the puns is how delighted he is
14:13that he has them to say.
14:15Oh, my God. You see when he jumps on it?
14:17Oh, I'm sorry, that's the sneeze phone.
14:19What a fucking asshole.
14:27Tell me some stuff.
14:29OK, well, Fatio, not bad, Fatio.
14:3117 minutes 30.
14:33Jason, nine minutes slower than Fatio.
14:3626...
14:39Nearly half an hour, nearly half an hour.
14:43OK, it's time for a break.
14:45Why not open up that language app
14:47and learn the language that you'll never use
14:49in the country you'll rarely visit?
14:51They speak English better than you do anyway.
14:53Put your phone down.
14:55And I should have practised this before.
14:57Soy todos...
14:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
15:06Soy todos patéticos.
15:20Hello.
15:22Hello and welcome back to Taskmaster
15:24where there's a cheese phone ringing
15:26and the contestants need to answer it.
15:28Oh, yes, fastest to answer wins.
15:30For a laugh, we gave them the option
15:32to have all of their senses taken away,
15:34apart from smell.
15:36Nobody will go for that, we all laughed
15:38at a team drinks event at a wine bar in a city,
15:40but we were so wrong, two out of five did
15:43and those two people are Stevie and Matt.
15:46Matt, in his tiny little shorts.
15:52I can't smell anything apart from the sweet.
15:59HE SIGHS
16:01There's no way it's in here, it's got to be out here.
16:04The assumption I made... Mm-hm.
16:06..which now seems foolish,
16:08is that there might be a sort of trail of smells.
16:11And now I'm beginning to think
16:13that we've just put some cheese somewhere quite far away.
16:16Mm-hm.
16:20Could it be in here?
16:24Can you smell anything?
16:26No.
16:30Oh.
16:32It's my knee.
16:34I feel like I can smell...
16:36..cheese. Mm-hm.
16:40Oh, I can feel... I can feel vibrations!
16:44Oh, no.
16:46Fucking heck.
16:48Yeah, please be a bit careful, just don't...
16:50I'm sorry, I'm sorry, can you help?
16:52Yeah.
16:54They're away now.
16:56And yet...
16:58This was completely pooped up over here.
17:06Oh, my God, it's a girl!
17:08You're close, Matthew.
17:10Stop saying that!
17:14It's just the hint of cheese in my nose.
17:18Hello?
17:20Welcome to the Cheese Call Centre.
17:23It smells!
17:25I think it's the cheese phone!
17:30Welcome to the Cheese Call Centre.
17:32Hello? I can't... I can't hear.
17:34No, I know, you've got the thing.
17:36You've answered the cheese phone.
17:38Thank you!
17:46Well, I feel a bit sorry for Stevie in that task,
17:48because she was extremely efficient.
17:50Yes, she was.
17:52She smelt herself to victory quickly,
17:54but a glorious task attempt was somewhat overshadowed.
18:02It was not my intention to upstage Stevie
18:06with my presumably scrotum.
18:12I had fairly secure undergarments.
18:14Fairly.
18:16I would not advise you to watch the original footage.
18:20LAUGHTER
18:24As you suspected, Stevie very fast.
18:26Six minutes, 44, and we halved that,
18:28because she only used the sense of smell,
18:30so that's three minutes, 22.
18:36Matthew took longer than Fatia, 21 minutes,
18:38but he only used the sense of smell,
18:40so his time is halved, so it's ten minutes and a half.
18:42You're now in second place, Matthew.
18:44So it was worth it.
18:46Finally, it's self-confessed cheese hater Rosie Ramsey.
18:54There's a bit of cheese.
18:56Ah.
18:58Oh, my God. These are on the wall. I saw them the other day.
19:10Cheese.
19:16This is vibrating.
19:20Oh.
19:30Hello?
19:32Rosie, you have answered the cheese phone.
19:34Congratulations.
19:40So efficient. She must have been so fast.
19:42I mean, yes.
19:44Isn't she quick and fast?
19:46Sorry, what I mean is, didn't we make her look quick and fast?
19:48Here's a little bit more detail for this.
19:54What's a cheese phone look like?
19:58It's ringing.
20:00Hello, Rosie speaking.
20:02Hello?
20:04Oh, fuck you.
20:06Hello, Rosie speaking.
20:08Hello, Rosie speaking.
20:10Oh, Jesus. No.
20:14They're just going to be sneezing again, aren't they?
20:18What if they're not? What if it's not a prank call?
20:20Hello?
20:22Oh, shut up.
20:24No, stop it.
20:26Still sneezing? Stop. I'm sneezing.
20:28Hello?
20:30Hello?
20:32I just can't leave the phone ringing.
20:34Please have melted.
20:36Pardon?
20:38Hello, hello?
20:40Where's the cheese phone?
20:44Shh, shh, shh.
20:46There's a bit of cheese.
20:48Oh.
20:58That wasn't a very nice thing to do, was it?
21:00Sorry, Rosie.
21:02But, yeah, you answered the phones 22 times.
21:04Again and again and again and again.
21:08I thought... No, they're going to...
21:10I thought, they're going to say something different.
21:12In fact, they're still ringing.
21:14So, she did badly, is the headline, is it?
21:16She did do badly, but not as badly as Jason.
21:1824 minutes 22.
21:20Oh!
21:22That meant that Stevie Martin got the full five points.
21:24APPLAUSE
21:28Four to Matthew, three to Fatia, two to Rosie and one to Jason.
21:30Scoreboard, is it?
21:32OK, well, joint winners at the moment,
21:34Fatia and Matthew,
21:36on seven points.
21:38APPLAUSE
21:42Loads of another task, please, Alex.
21:44Yes, now, and this is not a euphemism,
21:46it's time for me to show you my ruined abbey.
21:49LAUGHTER
22:05You all right? Yeah, I'm not bad.
22:07This is for you.
22:09What is happening here?
22:11It's terrifying, isn't it?
22:13It is very terrifying.
22:17Hi, guys.
22:19They don't know me.
22:21Are they saying Matthew?
22:23Matthew.
22:25Imagine this is what your house is like.
22:27Empty.
22:31What the fuck, man? That one's a monster.
22:33Woo!
22:36Move the most cushions from one bin to the other bin.
22:42Without Alex correctly seeing what colour cape you're wearing.
22:47You must be wearing a cape on the outside of your clothes throughout.
22:51Choice of capes over there, five colours.
22:53Yes.
22:55And just to say, you must be wearing it correctly.
22:57Yeah. There's no funny business there.
22:59I should hope not.
23:01You may not move the bins.
23:03If a cushion touches the ground, the task is over.
23:06Alex will alternately open, then shut his eyes for as many seconds
23:11as there are letters in each of the words in this task.
23:15OK.
23:17I'm going to be still on that spot, watching through the windows.
23:20I will blow the whistle for closed.
23:22I'll blow the whistle when I open.
23:24You've got to try to nip across between the blasts of the whistle.
23:27So it starts with move the most cushions.
23:30You'll be shut for four for move.
23:32Open for the.
23:34Shut for four seconds for most.
23:36Open for eight seconds with cushions.
23:38Everything all right?
23:40You're mad.
23:44You have six minutes.
23:46Your time starts when Alex blows his whistle.
23:49OK, and I'm assuming the capes are just, like, on so much bird shit.
23:52And geese and dogs.
23:54I don't like these things, bro.
23:56Three ducks. Right.
24:01APPLAUSE
24:04OK, can I say what you just whispered to me
24:07when you made the mean thing to Alex?
24:09Oh, yeah.
24:10You know when Rosie went,
24:12this reminds me of your house, empty.
24:14We all sort of went, ooh, that's a bit mean.
24:16Rosie looked at me and went, I was on my period.
24:21I quite like his jokes and stuff, but that day I was like...
24:24Yeah, shut up. Yeah. Shut up with the puns.
24:26Explains quite a lot of that day, yeah.
24:29Here we go. First up, uh-oh, here come the girls.
24:31It's Fatia, Rosie and Stevie together.
24:35I'm going to go green.
24:37It's my favourite colour.
24:38Are you ready?
24:40Yeah.
24:41WHISTLE BLOWS
24:46WHISTLE BLOWS
24:49WHISTLE BLOWS
24:55WHISTLE BLOWS
24:57WHISTLE BLOWS
25:00WHISTLE BLOWS
25:03WHISTLE BLOWS
25:08WHISTLE BLOWS
25:10Oh, fuck!
25:13You are wearing a green cape.
25:15The task is over.
25:21WHISTLE BLOWS
25:26WHISTLE BLOWS
25:30If a cushion touches the ground, the task is over.
25:39I fell over.
25:40Did you? Are you hurt?
25:42No, I'm fine.
25:43Did you not hear me?
25:44I heard you, yes.
25:50WHISTLE BLOWS
25:56WHISTLE BLOWS
26:00Fatia?
26:01Yeah?
26:02You're wearing a green cape.
26:04You got so far.
26:06I did get far.
26:07How many cushions have you got?
26:08Four.
26:09Oh, it would have been lovely if you got them in the bin.
26:11I know.
26:12Are you taking a mick?
26:14I'm not happy.
26:16OK, thank you, Fatia.
26:18Go away!
26:19Oh, my God!
26:26Well, failure all round.
26:29At least we all got to hear Fatia call a duck bruv.
26:35Stevie, you just judged the gap wrong,
26:37but you were such a sneaky sneaker up to that point.
26:39I was really sneaky and then I went across the main one like this.
26:45Different sort of sneaking style, I noticed.
26:47You were very static and serene.
26:50Even when you failed, you didn't move.
26:52It's almost...
26:53Yeah.
26:54It's almost as if you don't care about anything.
26:57She cared, she cared.
26:58Did she care about this one?
26:59I did. I was very upset.
27:01I asked to see the director and you said no.
27:06Rosie, ambitious with the amount of cushions you went for.
27:09Yeah.
27:10And then, my God.
27:13Those cushions saved my life.
27:17And I had a bruise a few...
27:19I wanted to send you it, but I thought, he's married,
27:21I can't send him, like, a picture of my crotch.
27:23No, it's fine.
27:27APPLAUSE
27:29Far too quick.
27:32Right, time to stop for another break.
27:34We've reached the halfway point, or as Alex calls it,
27:37his Biffin's Bridge.
27:38We'll see you in a minute.
27:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:50Hello!
27:51It's part three of Taskmaster
27:53where there's a cape-wearing, cushion-carrying,
27:55bin-filling task underway.
27:57Now, for two guys that are more than used to wearing capes,
28:00it's Matt and Jason.
28:02Three, two, one.
28:06WHISTLE BLOWS
28:09WHISTLE BLOWS
28:13WHISTLE BLOWS
28:18CHANTING
28:20WHISTLE BLOWS
28:22OH!
28:23WHISTLE BLOWS
28:26WHISTLE BLOWS
28:35LAUGHTER
28:38WHISTLE BLOWS
28:44WHISTLE BLOWS
28:46WHISTLE BLOWS
28:50If a cushion touches the ground, touches the ground, if a cushion touches the ground, the task is over.
28:57That didn't work.
29:20Yes, Alex. You're wearing a blue cape.
29:44I had plans.
29:48Yes.
29:49I had plans and then I abandoned them.
29:51Right.
30:09I've done it.
30:13Wow.
30:15What a masterful technique.
30:17Brilliant.
30:18I think this marks a real turning point for you.
30:21In his life.
30:22Yeah.
30:24Jason, I thought you'd nailed it as well.
30:26This one made me furious afterwards.
30:30Only because I knew that if I'd just followed through on my initial idea that it would have worked.
30:35Yeah.
30:36And I just talked myself out of it.
30:37Yeah.
30:38Ah, well.
30:39You did really badly.
30:40I did.
30:41I did quite poorly.
30:42Unlike Matthew, who didn't touch the floor with his cushions, I didn't catch sight of the colour of the cape,
30:47which is why it's so sad that I do have one more video to show you.
30:53Oh, no.
30:54What?
30:55Oh, God.
30:56Hang on, those are the only two possible information.
30:58Well, we're either going to see something you've done wrong or we're going to see the full testicles.
31:00Good luck.
31:03You may not move the bins.
31:10You may not move the bins.
31:16You moved the bins one metre for no reason.
31:24That's the one task I was sure I'd done well.
31:28It took you ages to get there as well.
31:30Also, my back, if you'd see, I was, like, grazed.
31:33Yeah, yeah.
31:34Oh, he grazed his little back.
31:47Does anyone win?
31:48No, none of them got any points at all.
31:50They were all disqualified.
31:51Right, so let's dust ourselves off and move on.
31:53What's next?
31:54OK, well, we're going to have some pretty prompt painting now, so good luck, everyone.
32:00Wow.
32:19You like that?
32:20Of course I like that.
32:21Is my blood still on these curtains?
32:23Yeah, couldn't get it out.
32:26Should get tested.
32:35When do you guys ever have fun?
32:36Have you ever had fun with Greg?
32:38Not...
32:39Yep, that's the answer.
32:46You have 15 minutes.
32:47Your time starts now.
32:50How are your painting skills?
32:51Very good.
32:53I painted my whole room when I was a teenager in Batman style.
32:58My mum was very upset because the ceiling was black and the floor was black
33:03and then the walls were yellow.
33:05And I had all this Batman memorabilia and then one time we had a guest
33:08and my mum, we were short of cups, so she made me open the memorabilia
33:12and give my Batman cup to one of the people.
33:14I'll never forgive her.
33:16When are you going to start painting, Betty?
33:23What's this conversation you had with Jason about us not having fun?
33:26Well... We've had fun.
33:27We did have fun that time.
33:28We've been camping, remember?
33:29We went camping together, I remember that.
33:30We've been camping together.
33:31What happened on the camping trip?
33:33We can't remember.
33:34Correct.
33:35We arrived, we pitched our tents and within ten minutes we were so drunk
33:38neither of us remember the trip.
33:42Shall we just have a little chat about the Batman room?
33:44Yeah.
33:45It was ages ago when I was, like, 18 or something.
33:4718?
33:51Other people had boyfriends and I had Batman, what?
33:55So, I want to see some speedy portraits, is what I want to see.
33:58Of course you do.
33:59First, let's see what three of them did
34:01and their names are Matt, Jason and Stevie.
34:04I'm going to go to the lab and see if I can get the canvas out.
34:07Right.
34:08Are you going to run again?
34:09Yeah.
34:10I'm going to see how this works.
34:12Sure.
34:13Success.
34:17Got it.
34:22And that's the canvas.
34:23That's the canvas.
34:24Can I squeeze?
34:28OK.
34:31I hit the blinds.
34:33Shall I stop?
34:34Well, there's not much point in stopping.
34:36OK.
34:38There we go.
34:39Is this set up for something?
34:41No.
34:43Get out of my way!
34:45What is this thing?
34:47It's a telescope mic stand.
34:49Right.
34:52Oh, boy.
34:58Realistically, I don't think that's the best feeling.
35:01Alex, what do you and Greg like to do for fun?
35:04We went camping once.
35:06Yeah?
35:07Look out!
35:13OK.
35:19All of that build-up and now so quiet and delicate, so small.
35:25Look out!
35:29OK.
35:38Should have done this from the beginning, huh?
35:43Hi, Stevie.
35:44I can't find a stick long enough, so I've got a duck.
35:46I'm going to throw the duck covered in paint at the canvas.
35:48Yeah.
35:51I swear to God, I'm so sick of this.
35:54You're allowed in in 55 seconds.
35:58Very nice.
35:59I realise I didn't give Alex his little legs.
36:07OK.
36:10Three, two, one.
36:16You're allowed into the lab.
36:17Oh, great.
36:20Give me the painting!
36:24Stop painting.
36:26Thank you, Matthew.
36:40Stevie.
36:42What was with the throwing a duck at the canvas?
36:44Right, I don't know!
36:45I don't know.
36:46Oh!
36:47Potato print painting.
36:50Potato prints.
36:51You know when you do it and you go...
36:53I was like, I'll do that with the stomach.
36:55It would be a picture of me and Alex.
36:57Well, if I did it once, then I could go and get more ducks
36:59and then I could make, like, a pattern.
37:01Fascinating.
37:03Jason, I just think there's this inner rage to you
37:05that I really enjoy.
37:07Well, not even inner.
37:08I mean, you're like an actual madman.
37:12Yes.
37:13Yeah.
37:14I vowed at the beginning that I would destroy that house
37:16and every task was an opportunity.
37:19Well, let's see the fruits of their labour.
37:21That's L-A-B-O-U-R, Jason.
37:23Here is...
37:27..Matt's effort.
37:28Remember...
37:29Oh, wow!
37:30That's what happens.
37:32That's a camping trip.
37:34I knew we were wearing top hats.
37:36It's just...
37:38It's just come back to me.
37:42Can you compare that to Stevie's effort?
37:44Yes, please.
37:45This is what she did.
37:48That's 15 seconds!
37:50Also, I did some facial hair.
37:52I don't know who for.
37:54I'm on the left, you said,
37:55so I'm slightly bigger than Greg in the end.
37:57Yes, because you were closer in the fun.
38:00And I've got the big, long, angular tongue.
38:05OK, and then Jason ended up doing this.
38:09You said there's Greg with the strong legs,
38:11Alex with the clipboard and Greg with the big dick.
38:15What could be more fun?
38:17OK, let's stop for the last break.
38:19In a few minutes, one of them will be on stage,
38:21triumphantly lifting an orange above their head,
38:24with all of their friends and family watching.
38:26Horrible proof that winning isn't everything.
38:29We'll see you in a minute.
38:39Hello.
38:40Welcome back to the final part of the show
38:42and our speedy art challenge.
38:44Now for Rosie Rambeau and Fatia El Gambo.
38:50OK, I've got an idea.
38:52Oh.
38:53This is you painting, is it?
38:55Yeah.
38:56It's a frolicking.
38:57Ah, frolicking is fun.
38:59Frolicking's good.
39:00Everybody likes the beach, right?
39:02Mm-hm.
39:03So let's go to the beach.
39:04This is going to come out so good, yeah.
39:06Even, what's his name, Vango's going to call me and go,
39:09Fatia, come and work with me in the lab.
39:13Do you like golf?
39:14Of course I like golf.
39:15Do you like golf?
39:16I've put some golf clubs here.
39:18Bang.
39:19And then I'm going to do one last thing.
39:22Look at that.
39:23How skilled is that?
39:25You've got to be at the lab in one minute.
39:27Gosh, OK.
39:28We can probably make our way down the corridor quite soon.
39:30All right.
39:34You've got 30 seconds, Rosie.
39:41Ten seconds.
39:45APPLAUSE
39:48Oh, that's not that bad.
39:53What's wrong?
39:56Look at that.
39:57It's dripping. Are we fine with that?
39:59Of course we're fine with that.
40:00That's cos it's hot.
40:02Climate change, innit?
40:04This is a topical piece.
40:06OK.
40:07It could have gone worse.
40:09A lot worse.
40:10Thanks, Rosie.
40:11Goodbye.
40:13Oh!
40:15Oh!
40:18Goodbye.
40:20Oh!
40:23Oh!
40:28Oh!
40:31Oh!
40:36You bastard.
40:39Bye, Rosie.
40:41No!
40:43APPLAUSE
40:44So sad.
40:49I was sort of horrified by how hilarious Alex was finding you.
40:54And then Alex pointed out during that
40:56that the camera is really shaky
40:58and it's because the cameraman was laughing.
41:02We were so impressed by the picture, it was a release of emotions.
41:05Incredible.
41:07Who would have thought that Fatih would have made
41:09such a powerful statement about the climate crisis?
41:13It's pretty strong. This is the final image.
41:15There's something there, isn't there?
41:17There is. Talk us through it, Fatih.
41:19So, yous are at the beach, all right?
41:21We both are, yeah.
41:22That yellow thing is the sun.
41:24The blue things are the birds.
41:26I gave you hair.
41:27Look, people...
41:28What do you mean, you gave me hair? Why are you saying that?
41:30No, I mean...
41:34OK, well, here is Rosie's before.
41:37Lovely.
41:38Oh, he's so good.
41:40And then, a few seconds after...
41:42Not that much.
41:44Is Alex better? It's quite dark, isn't it?
41:46Alex has sort of shown his satanic side.
41:49He's been revealed for the monster he is.
41:53Well, look, I'm going to put them all up, Greg,
41:55and you can judge them.
41:57I gave you hair.
42:00I gave you a hat.
42:01I gave you a big dick.
42:13And a clipboard, don't mind that.
42:15And a clipboard.
42:16All right, then, I'll judge them as works of art.
42:18Yes, please.
42:19Jason, one point.
42:20Damn it!
42:22Stevie, the duck thrower, two points.
42:24Two points to Stevie, got it.
42:26Three points to Rosie.
42:27Good stuff, OK.
42:28Four points to Thatia.
42:31I know what it's like to have fun with Alex Horne,
42:34and I do it in a tent with a top hat on.
42:38Five points to Matt.
42:44Please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show!
42:54What's up, sweet cheeks?
42:56Thank you. Well, it's just a lovely family photo.
42:59Oh, that is nice.
43:00Matt is going to read out the task.
43:02Good luck, Matthew.
43:04Take it in turns as teams to obey Greg's previous order.
43:08If you hesitate, your team loses the round.
43:11Highest score after five rounds wins.
43:14I'm going to unpick this for everybody.
43:16Greg has some instructions.
43:18The instruction will be for the person standing up
43:20and they must do the thing to the person sitting down.
43:23If it was, hit him, don't do it,
43:25then the next one, kick him, then you hit him.
43:27Hit him.
43:28Why are you moving your foot? I hit him.
43:30What is it?
43:34There are five rounds, there's one point per each round.
43:37This team is kicking things off.
43:41Good luck.
43:42Spin them.
43:45Pat them.
43:48Tickle them.
43:50Smell them.
43:53Spin them.
43:55Flick them.
43:58Chive them.
44:00Shake them.
44:02That was not a chive.
44:04That was a flick.
44:06You don't chive with a flick, young lady.
44:09I'm so sorry.
44:10The team of three have one point.
44:12That's how the game works.
44:13Please rotate.
44:14I'm really bad.
44:15Oh, you're OK.
44:16I'm really bad.
44:17No, don't...
44:19I'm still that gutless.
44:21OK, this time, the team of three are starting.
44:23That's you, Rosie, starting. OK.
44:25Here we go.
44:26Tickle them.
44:28Smell them.
44:30No.
44:42I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
44:44One all. We're starting with the team of two this time.
44:47Yeah. OK, here we go.
44:49Chive them.
44:51Smell them.
44:53Blow them.
44:56Well, they both did it wrong.
44:59It was their turn.
45:01It was their turn.
45:02You did it when you weren't supposed to.
45:04You didn't do it when you were supposed to.
45:06Rotate again. Neither of you get any points for that.
45:09Team of three are starting.
45:11Come on, everyone.
45:12Tickle them.
45:14Tickle them.
45:16Blow them.
45:18Pat them.
45:20Shake them.
45:22Spin them.
45:24Smell them.
45:26Flick them.
45:29You should have smelled, Matt.
45:31That's another point to the team of two.
45:33Yes!
45:36Here we go. One more round.
45:37Here we go.
45:39Tickle them.
45:40Smell them.
45:41Blow them.
45:45You were supposed to do the previous instruction.
45:47It means it's three-one to the team of two.
45:49APPLAUSE
45:50APPLAUSE
45:55Well, with that, folks, your final scores.
45:57Come down and join me!
46:04So, the team of two won three points in that.
46:07The team of three won one point each,
46:09which means the final scores...
46:12He's only gone and done it again. He's on for the clean sweep.
46:15So, Matthew Bainton's the winner once more!
46:17APPLAUSE
46:20A few waves!
46:22Please, meander up to marvel at your middle-aged man memorabilia!
46:26APPLAUSE
46:31So, what have we learned today?
46:33We've learned so many things in this episode.
46:35So many things have happened,
46:37and yet every single person watching this show tonight
46:40will remember just one thing.
46:42LAUGHTER
46:45This.
46:46APPLAUSE
46:50Of course, here he is, your winner once more, Matthew Bainton!
46:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE