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00:00MUSIC
00:02SIGHS
00:04MUSIC
00:06GROANS
00:08WHISTLES
00:10MUSIC
00:12SCREAMS
00:14MUSIC
00:16SPEAKS RUSSIAN
00:18MUSIC
00:20SCREAMS
00:22MUSIC
00:24APPLAUSE
00:26APPLAUSE
00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:34Hello! Thank you, thank you, everybody.
00:37Welcome to Taskmaster, the Olympics for funny people.
00:41And like elite athletes, our comedians have been in training
00:44for this their whole careers.
00:46And similarly, one slip-up could see them never compete again,
00:50lose their homes, and end up singing Sweet Caroline
00:53in High Street, having drunk a pint of plant feed
00:56in a garden centre.
00:58The stakes are high and the rewards are low.
01:02Let's meet them now.
01:04Please welcome Andy Zaltzman!
01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:09Barbatunde Elese!
01:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:12Emma Sivy!
01:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:15Jack Dee!
01:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:18And Rosie Jones!
01:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:23And finally, a man who secretly confided in me
01:26that he doesn't think community liaison officers are real police
01:30and challenges any of them who meet him to kick him hard
01:34in the gooch.
01:36LAUGHTER
01:38It's little Alex Hart!
01:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:46OK, let's begin.
01:47Yes, and what a way to begin,
01:49the prize category this week is the object with the most soul.
01:53OK?
01:55I know. Ooh. Ooh, indeed.
01:57As a guy in a band, I get a lot of people stopping me
02:00and saying, you are soul.
02:03But it's not about me, it's about Greg giving maximum points
02:07to the object with the most soul.
02:09All right. Rosie, shall we start with you?
02:12No.
02:15It was rhetorical.
02:17All right, what I brought to make me more soulful
02:24is a saxophone.
02:28Yes, it is.
02:31Can I play a saxophone?
02:35No.
02:37Can I carry around a saxophone?
02:43Yes.
02:44Yes.
02:46Soul.
02:49Soul.
02:51That is going to score badly.
02:57What's your favourite saxophone song?
03:02If you can give me one,
03:04then I might consider not putting you at the bottom.
03:07Oh!
03:09Right there is...
03:11..Led Simpson.
03:15Good answer, good answer.
03:21Emma, have you brought something in that has the most soul?
03:24I've brought in a Furby.
03:26Oh.
03:30Here's Emma's soulful Furby.
03:34I don't know if anybody remembers what Furbys would get up to,
03:37but basically they're kind of...
03:41..and they start off like that.
03:43Then, as time goes on, they start to learn from you
03:46and eventually they're able to say,
03:48I love you.
03:51Also, it opens a little beak with a little tongue,
03:54you go, la-la-la.
03:56And you put your finger in and it's like, love that.
03:59Oh, la-la-la, soul.
04:01If I put my finger in your mouth, you wouldn't mind it,
04:04and that's soul.
04:07I like a Furby as much as the next person. OK.
04:10But you think that a plastic fur-based toy
04:14going dib-dab-dub-dub is soul.
04:17I'm not going to be able to convince you of this,
04:20I just know it to be my truth.
04:25She's good, she is good.
04:27Jack. Yeah.
04:29What have you brought in? I've brought James Brown in.
04:33Technically, not actually James Brown,
04:36but I have brought in an effigy of James Brown,
04:38which is all singing, all dancing.
04:41The budget on this show won't allow us to hear him singing,
04:44so if I did it without the tune...
04:46Oh!
04:47..I feel good.
04:50So...
04:52We're not allowed to say lyrics either.
04:55All right.
04:56Oh, I feel wood.
04:59There you go.
05:01Are you ready to see the Godfather of Soul? I am.
05:03Here he is. Here we go.
05:06He goes, oh, I feel wood.
05:09Oh, I feel wood.
05:18Jesus Christ, this is going to be a low-scoring round.
05:22Andy. Yes.
05:23What soulful thing have you brought in?
05:25I've brought a shoe.
05:26Ready to see it?
05:28Obviously, a shoe has a soul,
05:30but the souls of the shoes are Dover souls.
05:36There's a speaker in the lower of the two shoes.
05:39It's programmed to play only soul music,
05:42the likes of James Brown, Aretha Franklin, Bananarama...
05:45We'll imagine it. We'll imagine it.
05:47Yeah.
05:48There's a picture of the sun in Spain,
05:50or soul, as it's also known...
05:54I'm sorry... I've not finished yet, Greg.
05:57Also, harnessing the power of the occult as a wizard,
06:01I also fixed into the shoes
06:04the soul of your late great-great-great uncle, Brian.
06:10Do you know what, Andy? Yeah.
06:11I mean, it says something. It's the best yet.
06:14Who's next? Baba.
06:15I brought in a Nigerian talking drum.
06:18You see, how they make this is quite mythical, right?
06:21What they do, once they build it,
06:23they put it in the streets of Lagos,
06:25or whatever town in Nigeria,
06:27and what it does, they believe it absorbs the language
06:31of the people as they're in the streets talking.
06:34So when you hit it, it sounds like the language being spoken.
06:38So I tried this out, tried it out.
06:40I live in Stevenage, and I...
06:44That's the capital of soul.
06:47I put it outside, I hit it, and it literally said,
06:50you prick.
06:53That's the most soulful thing in this whole line-up right now,
06:57the Nigerian talking drum people.
06:59Thank you very much.
07:05I hope the rest of you are ashamed of yourself.
07:08Right, let's score it and move on.
07:10What is the least soulful thing? What do you think?
07:13I think the saxophone. Yeah, of course.
07:16One point. Got it.
07:18OK, I'll give Emma two points
07:20for daring to suggest there's any soul in a Furby.
07:24Jack, at least he chose the godfather of soul.
07:27But then he had him behead himself on television,
07:30so he can only have three points. Got it.
07:33Andy made an effort.
07:35Sure, it's a series of awful puns around the world.
07:38Soul, we know that.
07:39Sure, he's dressed as a wizard, but no reason.
07:42And he gets four points.
07:44The only person who actually brought anything of any consequence in
07:47is Baba, so he gets five.
07:49These are my judgements.
07:55OK, cast time. Shall we begin, Alex?
07:57Yes, Greg. Commence Countdown.
08:15Oh. Hey.
08:17Baba. Emma.
08:19You all right?
08:21This brings back some memories.
08:23Good ones?
08:24No.
08:26Terrifying.
08:28Is that being operated manually, or is it a machine?
08:32It shouldn't be happening, actually. It's a warning system.
08:35Oh, right, OK, it's a warning system. Yeah.
08:37Yeah. OK. Not yet. OK, no, sorry.
08:42Five, four, three, two, one, zero.
09:03Oh, cheers, bro.
09:04It was meant to fire off.
09:06Oh, unlucky, bro.
09:10Put a rocket in your pocket.
09:12Fastest wins.
09:14Your time starts now.
09:16That's not a rocket, I'm so sorry.
09:18That's just a tube.
09:20Your time starts now.
09:21That's not a rocket, unfortunately.
09:23That's just a tube.
09:25I'm so sorry.
09:27But what are the asterisks?
09:32There's an asterisk, is there?
09:33There are two.
09:35What do them two stars mean?
09:36Yeah, they're both asterisks.
09:38OK.
09:42Double star. Dot.
09:45I'll just ignore that, the font.
09:47Is this the rocket, this red bit?
09:49No, none of those bits are rockets.
09:50So where's the rocket?
09:52Yes.
09:53What do you mean, yes?
09:55Where is the rocket?
10:00Yes.
10:01No, no, where?
10:09Baba, I might be suggesting here
10:12that you don't know what a rocket is.
10:14I know what a rocket is.
10:16I see, like, the space people, they do that.
10:19That's a rocket, right?
10:20Yeah, yeah.
10:21Oh, yeah, sorry, I didn't realise you had a degree.
10:25Listen, Greg, we still...
10:27We've got to go outside after this, bro, like, you know what I mean?
10:30Oh, you're physically threatening me?
10:33I've got to say,
10:34it's the first person who's ever offered me out for a fight
10:37in all these series, and I've got to tell you, Baba,
10:39it was exhilarating.
10:42Woo!
10:46OK, let's crack on.
10:47First to recce for rocket, it is Baba.
10:50Is there a rocket here?
10:52That's the question.
10:53Ooh!
10:55Listen, I've got two children, yeah?
10:57I've got time for this.
10:58Where's the rocket?
11:00I've got time for this.
11:01Where's the rocket?
11:02Where's the rocket?
11:04We're not going to do this.
11:06We're not going to do this.
11:07Right.
11:18Let's go.
11:19Look.
11:20A rocket.
11:21That's not a rocket, that's, like, a telescope thinking a jig.
11:24Anything under here?
11:26Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
11:29Ah, that's half a rocket.
11:31We're on to something.
11:33What's that?
11:34What's that?
11:36What's that?
11:38That's a full rocket.
11:42I've got a rocket in my pocket.
11:43Yes, you have.
11:46There was the rocket.
11:48It was in the...
11:50This is an orca.
11:51This is an orca's mouth.
11:52It was in the orca's mouth.
11:53Let's say killer world, cos that sounds gangster.
11:56It was in the killer world's mouth.
12:05The man knows exactly what a rocket is.
12:07He found it quickly,
12:09and he labelled the orcas the gangsters of the sea.
12:14Absolute textbook.
12:15I told you I know what a rocket is, bro.
12:17Yeah, I know.
12:18You didn't believe in me, but you've seen a footage, bro.
12:20I've learnt that now, and now I believe
12:22there's no need for it to come to blow.
12:25Good.
12:26Who is next?
12:27Next up to hunt for rockets are my two favourite condiments,
12:30salt and pepper...
12:31Salt and Emma.
12:32Salt and pepper.
12:33Salt and Emma.
12:36It looks like a rocket.
12:37That's not a rocket.
12:38No. Well, it's not a rocket until it's fired.
12:40It's a potential rocket.
12:41Even then, that is not a rocket.
12:43I don't see why. Why can that not be a rocket?
12:45It hasn't got fins.
12:47I'm just thinking...
12:49Have you got any fizzy drinks?
12:51Can I make fins out of that?
12:54Oh, that's better.
12:55Right, so did you just make yourself a rocket?
12:57I made myself a rocket, but it didn't go in my pocket.
12:59Right, OK.
13:04Oh, shit.
13:08Right. Are you saying you've made a rocket?
13:10Yeah.
13:11In that case, I'm going to have to give you that.
13:14If you draw, make or write your own rocket,
13:16that doesn't count as an actual rocket
13:18unless you are a rocket scientist.
13:20If you are not a rocket scientist,
13:22you took two rockets in your pockets.
13:26Are you a rocket scientist?
13:27No, I'm not.
13:28Right.
13:29I did languages.
13:31Took two rockets?
13:32Yes, please.
13:33Am I allowed out of the room?
13:34Absolutely.
13:35Oh, right, OK.
13:36Maybe I should have thought of that before.
13:38Two rockets in your pockets.
13:40One like that?
13:41No, that's not a rocket.
13:42That's a can of Coke with a sweet in it.
13:44Fuck's sake.
13:45Oh, I'm so sorry, but I'm going to have to give you this.
13:48If you swear at any point after drawing, making or writing
13:51your own rocket, you must now put three rockets in your pockets.
14:00I mean, is that a rocket?
14:02I don't think you'll fit that in your pocket, though.
14:09Was it on the rocket?
14:10You think that's a rocket?
14:11No, no.
14:12Oh, look, there is a rocket there.
14:14What?
14:15There you go.
14:16You found a rocket?
14:17I found one... I need another rocket.
14:22Nope, nope, nope, nope.
14:24We're going back inside.
14:26Is there anything in the sharks?
14:27Not a shark.
14:28There's a rocket in there.
14:31Walker?
14:34I've stopped the clock.
14:35Right, that took a long time.
14:37Have you looked in anything yet?
14:39Like, you mean in that?
14:41No.
14:42Well, if you want.
14:44Is that what it's like?
14:48Oh, like, in this pot.
14:52Oh!
14:53It's a tiny little rocket.
14:55You better put it in your pocket, then.
14:57OK, now I'm on board with it. All right, fine.
15:00Any other little rockets about?
15:02Oh, my God, there's one in Charlotte Ritchie!
15:06Oh, yeah, there you go.
15:08Time's up.
15:09I've stopped the clock.
15:10Oh, you did the noise for me.
15:11Yeah, sorry.
15:13Ah!
15:21Classic case of him moving the goalposts as the task goes on.
15:24Incredibly irritating, I find it.
15:26Me? Yeah.
15:27Oh, sorry.
15:28While I'm at it, I also found it really irritating
15:30when you opened the plug and there was a rocket inside
15:32and you looked at the camera as if to say...
15:37Andy, you were told repeatedly
15:39that the yellow tube in the lab was not a rocket.
15:42Repeatedly?
15:43You know, if you fire something upwards, you've rocketed it.
15:47Have you not?
15:48I think you've rocketed it, but it doesn't become a rocket, does it?
15:51Become a rocket.
15:52Your argument is if it gets fired, it's a rocket?
15:54Yeah.
15:55Well, you could do that to a chartered accountant.
15:57Yes.
15:59Er, Emma?
16:00Yeah.
16:01Now, I'm no rocket scientist,
16:03but putting a sweet inside a can of Coke...
16:07How, in any rational mind, can that be justified as a rocket?
16:12Well, yeah, it's shocking, isn't it?
16:14I mean, it was a totally stupid decision
16:16and also it didn't even fizz.
16:18It was just crap, wasn't it?
16:20Well, look, Baba took 552.
16:22Andy, 18 minutes 10.
16:24Emma, 39 minutes.
16:27Wow.
16:28Get in!
16:30All right, part one is over.
16:32They never really loved you anyway.
16:33Part one didn't even make an effort with your mum.
16:35It's finished! Let it go!
16:37Make a life with part two.
16:38It's a great cook and it's a tomcat in the bedroom.
16:41We'll see you in a bit.
16:51Hello!
16:52Welcome to the start of part two.
16:55Please remind us what was happening before the break,
16:57my sad little otter.
16:59Well, they're all trying to find a rocket
17:01and put it in their pocket as fast as is bloody possible.
17:04Finally, it's Jack and Rosie.
17:11You may.
17:14I mean, it would be...
17:15It's going to be staring at me, isn't it? That's the thing.
17:18Mm-hm. I know what you mean.
17:20It's so annoying.
17:21Yeah, it is.
17:22OK.
17:23OK.
17:29LAUGHTER
17:35That's what I was looking for.
17:38Stinks.
17:40Done.
17:44I've told the clock.
17:45You've got a rocket in your pocket.
17:47I enjoyed that.
17:50Well done, me.
17:53APPLAUSE
17:56Well done.
17:59Two grown adults,
18:02genuinely thrilled that they put salad in their pockets.
18:05Oh, come on, you should try it sometime, it's good.
18:07Maybe you and I could hang out sometime.
18:09Yeah, I'd like that.
18:14Rosie, that well done, me, was genuine, wasn't it?
18:17Yeah.
18:26The wizard has a point.
18:28Just, um...
18:30What was the wording of the task?
18:32It was put a rocket and then a silent salad in your pocket.
18:35Right.
18:36It didn't say put a piece of rocket or a bunch of rocket, did it?
18:39A rocket.
18:40Do you want me to take Rosie's point off her?
18:43Yeah.
18:46Just look at Rosie. Look at Rosie when you say it.
18:48Yeah, I do.
18:51Does the word A mean nothing these days?
18:54You are A prick today.
18:58That's perfectly fine.
19:00I'm not... I'm not some prick, I'm A prick.
19:13Baba, do you think I should disqualify the salad?
19:15What's the timing of this?
19:19We haven't yet said that.
19:20All right, let's get to that first.
19:23Well, I can tell you Rosie put rocket in her pocket in 2 minutes 40.
19:28Yeah, let's take away the point.
19:33Jack pocketed rocket in 1 minute 59.
19:35Wow.
19:38No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
19:41Yeah, everything he said, I'm going to back it.
19:46I've got news for you. I am going to allow rocket.
19:49And I want you to know this.
19:51I may not have allowed rocket if it wasn't for this wizard.
19:58Rocket stuns.
19:59In that case, it's 1 point to Emma, 2 to Andy, 3 to Baba,
20:024 to Rosie, but 5 to Mr Jack D in the clip you're watching.
20:09Is it scoreboard time? It is.
20:11Baba, with your speedy rocket,
20:13you are in joint first place with Jack D on 8 points.
20:22Please deliver the task.
20:24Oh, yes. Now for some physical art.
20:39Yo, what's going on?
20:41Hi, Baba.
20:42Manlike.
20:43You're on dry land.
20:44Dry land, yeah.
20:46Yeah, you've been at sea.
20:48No, it's a caravan, bro.
20:49It's a submarine.
20:53Oh.
20:56Do I?
20:57You do.
21:12Most creative recreation...
21:15recreation wins.
21:17Do I look like I go to art exhibitions?
21:20I'll go to an art exhibition, my guy.
21:22You have 20 minutes.
21:24Your time starts now.
21:27Right.
21:28Famous 2D piece of art in 3D.
21:32You understand it?
21:33Of course I understand it, what's the matter with you?
21:35Of course, what, do you think I'm sick?
21:37You kept saying recreation.
21:38It's like sick recreation instead of recreation,
21:40but, you know, they are the same spelling, aren't they?
21:43APPLAUSE
21:46Well, I'm just excited to see these.
21:483D art.
21:49OK, would you like to see a montage of them arting hard?
21:51I want to see a hard art montage.
21:54OK.
21:55Here you are.
21:57Oh, my God.
22:01Noisy.
22:02It's really noisy.
22:04I hate bloody flowers.
22:06I don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers.
22:09It needs to go far corner.
22:11Fall back as it goes, I think.
22:17Hi, Alex.
22:22Are you all right?
22:23Yeah, I'm all right.
22:24Er, shall I shit here?
22:27It's too Dutch, you see.
22:29Oh, I see.
22:30OK.
22:32OK.
22:41Soup?
22:52Does this look like a human mother?
22:56I need to get my thug pose on.
22:58I'm going to look like a thug.
23:00Thug affiliation over here, bruv.
23:02Apart from the church.
23:03I go to church, I gangbang for Jesus, you get me?
23:06OK.
23:09I don't know if you're celebrating a goal, but really upset.
23:11Oh, upset?
23:12Yeah.
23:16Did you do that?
23:17Yeah.
23:18Wow.
23:19Yeah, did that.
23:20I'm slipping in.
23:22Oh!
23:23Urgh!
23:24That feels gross!
23:26APPLAUSE
23:29Oh, my God.
23:34Who of us in this room isn't blown away
23:36by how much Jack D looks like Van Gogh?
23:41It was literally like the man came back to life.
23:46Baba, did you have some sort of traumatic instance
23:48in your life with flowers?
23:49You're the only person I've ever met who hates flowers.
23:52I quote,
23:53I don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers.
23:57You know what it is?
23:58I'm traumatised by how much my wife requests flowers.
24:01Cos when I'm walking on the street, people be like,
24:03oh, he's in the doghouse.
24:04It's like, I ain't in no damn doghouse, you know what I'm saying?
24:07How often do you buy your wife flowers?
24:09Oh! Uh-oh.
24:13Not including the ones you take off lampposts.
24:21Emma.
24:22I'm already quite impressed,
24:23cos I already know what your painting is.
24:25Really?
24:26It's Klimt, right? Yeah.
24:27Mm-hm.
24:28Well, look, I'm going to show you Emma's 3D version
24:30of the well-known painting.
24:32Let's see it in all its glory. Here we go.
24:44APPLAUSE
24:46Well done.
24:47That is quite a good one.
24:50Yeah.
24:51I mean, it's so rarely on this show
24:53that I just have to just say, oh, that's good.
24:56Yeah. It was good.
24:58The original sparked a sexual revolution.
25:00Do you think hers will?
25:02Nah.
25:03I can't feel anything.
25:07It's really good, Emma.
25:08OK, well, shall we see another? Yes.
25:10Well, as you might have worked out,
25:12Andy's Altman took on The Almighty Guernica by Pablo Picasso.
25:15Wow!
25:16First of all, we're going to look at the original.
25:18Now, Picasso obviously made the incredibly moving
25:21and powerful anti-war painting to help raise awareness
25:23and raise money during the Spanish Civil War.
25:25It's harrowing.
25:26And here's Andy's Altman's 3D recreation.
25:29LAUGHTER
25:38APPLAUSE
25:40It's good, isn't it?
25:41Yeah, yeah. Thanks for that.
25:43It sounds beautiful, to be fair.
25:45I mean, we have to reward ambition.
25:48It's incredibly ambitious.
25:50I mean, I just feel, amongst the many things this show doesn't address,
25:54the pity of war is right up there.
25:58Cow's the wrong way round.
26:04Sorry, Emma, have you...
26:06You've spotted an inaccuracy in this painting.
26:10Well done, wizard.
26:11OK, well, next up with his 3D nod to self-portrait with bandaged ear.
26:15Right, well, we already know this looks exactly like it,
26:18cos we've got his face in the room.
26:20Yeah, it's Vincent van Gogh. Here we go.
26:24LAUGHTER
26:29Yes.
26:32APPLAUSE
26:39Who would have thought that anyone could look more haunted
26:44than Vincent van Gogh?
26:48Van Gogh looks like it's his birthday, by comparison.
26:52Another one. Really good.
26:54This is the worst episode of Taskmaster ever.
26:57OK, time for another break
26:59and probably some more adverts for Holidays In The Sun.
27:02Costa Living Crisis?
27:04Yeah, more like Costa del Sol Living La Vida Loca Crisis.
27:08Let's whack in another credit card.
27:10Wayne Lineker, call me!
27:12YOLO!
27:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:24Hello again.
27:26Here we are, it's part two,
27:28and some classic artworks have been brought to life
27:31in a three-dimensional way.
27:32Cor, yeah, I love 3D,
27:34but I also like Harry Styles' solo stuff.
27:38Next up is the artist currently known as Rosie Jones.
27:43Blah-blah!
27:45Andy Warhol.
27:48Clam.
27:50Campbell's Soup.
27:56APPLAUSE
28:04It's Clam, Campbell's Soup.
28:06I get it.
28:09It's really good, yeah, it's good.
28:11Everyone liked it.
28:12Did you like it?
28:14Not that much.
28:17One left, Greg. Yes.
28:18One left, and this man doesn't go to art galleries,
28:21he hates flowers.
28:22It's Bubba's turn.
28:24BUZZER
28:29Oh!
28:31It is good.
28:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:44Oh, sorry, sorry about that.
28:46Did you like that, Greg?
28:51Yes, of course I do.
28:53Yes, you do.
28:54You see the angle?
28:55You know what I'm saying?
28:56This is what I'm trying to say.
28:57I keep telling people I'm amazing.
29:02Well, look, Greg, here are all five of the excellent 3D pics.
29:06I give everyone really high scores, aren't I?
29:08And then we'll just have to hope they fuck up the next task.
29:11So I'll give everyone five points.
29:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:19OK, what's next, please, Mr Alex Hall?
29:22OK, well, Greg, we're off to the pub.
29:24Ooh!
29:25MUSIC PLAYS
29:37In you go.
29:39Oh, hello!
29:42Lovely!
29:44Oh, we have company.
29:45Where's Alex?
29:47Who cares?
29:49Oh, lovely.
29:52Yes, please.
29:53Oh, thank you so much.
29:54Would you like to...?
29:55Yeah, sure.
29:59Win the pub quiz by cheating.
30:01The team that wins by cheating
30:03in at least five different ways wins.
30:06If the quiz master notices you cheating,
30:09you will lose a point
30:10and you must use a different method of cheating.
30:13This quiz will start in five minutes.
30:15Your time starts now.
30:17OK, so we need ways of cheating.
30:19Mobile phone.
30:24Here he is.
30:26Hi, guys, are you doing a pub quiz tonight?
30:28Great.
30:30I'll come and get your team names soon.
30:33Have I got time to go to the toilet?
30:37Yeah, quiz starts in three minutes.
30:39Good thinking.
30:40There's your answer sheet.
30:41You all right?
30:42Yeah.
30:43OK, there's your answer sheet for the first two rounds.
30:46OK, enjoy.
30:47Anyone need anything?
30:48Good luck, enjoy.
30:49Yes.
30:51What did you get?
30:52I got my phone.
30:54What's that?
30:56Oh.
30:59How do you intend to use that without being noticed?
31:02That's the next challenge.
31:08Yeah, it might do.
31:10Oh, what's that?
31:11One of you look after the...
31:13That's Sue Perkins' number.
31:15Do you have your phone?
31:16Save that now.
31:17872...
31:18Quiz starts in 45 seconds, guys.
31:20Cheers, mate.
31:21OK.
31:22Team name, please.
31:24We're Team Honesty.
31:26Team Honesty, that's funny.
31:28And have you got a team name?
31:30Cheetahs, but, like, they're animals.
31:32Cheetahs?
31:33Just Cheetahs with a Z.
31:35T-H-E-E-T-A-H-Z.
31:39Cheetahs.
31:40OK, right, let's go and get my microphone,
31:42and then we'll be off.
31:43Yeah.
31:44I've got something a little bit provocative to say.
31:47Are you both married?
31:49Mm-hm.
31:50I'm also married.
31:51Mm-hm.
31:52Mm-hm.
31:53I was thinking, like, maybe just kiss on the cheek.
31:55Right.
31:56Like a handshake?
31:57I don't know if it's that kind of cheating.
31:59Yeah, yeah.
32:05Try and remember what's in there.
32:07OK.
32:08I remember.
32:10Um, what's in your right hand?
32:12Nothing.
32:14It needs to fall on the floor there.
32:16I will put the books in my area.
32:18Can I have the Guide To The Beavers, please?
32:21You're so strict!
32:23Yes.
32:24Sorry about that, Bob.
32:26Excuse me, thank you.
32:27Hello, hello.
32:28We're pretty much back to square one.
32:30Hello, is everyone here?
32:37Are you pub Christmas before we start?
32:39No, I think it's a waste of pub time.
32:43Every Monday.
32:44Thank you, Emma.
32:45Do you really, Emma?
32:46Yeah, genuinely.
32:47Aw.
32:48Key, what's your team called?
32:50Um, No Arguments.
32:53Cos we have a problem with arguing,
32:56so one day we realised,
32:57oh, if we called No Arguments, maybe we'll stop.
33:00Oh.
33:01So now we just argue on the way home.
33:03It's me and my husband.
33:07All right, then.
33:08You want to see the quiz?
33:09I want to see the quiz.
33:10OK, pens down, heads up or something,
33:12it's time to quiz.
33:14Welcome to the ship.
33:15Welcome to the pub quiz.
33:17OK, question one.
33:19What is the largest species of rodent?
33:22What is the largest species of rodent?
33:24Not that.
33:25It's not a mouse.
33:27In what year was Mary, Queen of Scots,
33:30executed by her cousin?
33:32Elizabeth I, of course.
33:34In what year...
33:35I'm just going to faint choking.
33:38I've got cramps.
33:40Oh!
33:41Oh, just move around the room a bit.
33:42Oh, my God!
33:43Look at that.
33:46Oh, man.
33:47It's quite early in the quiz to get cramps.
33:49Right.
33:50It just needs to be...
33:51Yeah.
33:52Yeah, yeah.
33:53Yeah.
33:54Wait.
33:55Oh!
33:58There's a hat there, though.
34:01Can you look up?
34:05I'm feeling better now.
34:07Right.
34:08We do need to carry on with the quiz.
34:10Question three.
34:11What is the boiling point of mercury?
34:14Yeah.
34:15Do you think it's that?
34:16Yes.
34:17Mercury.
34:18How are you getting on?
34:19What do the following states have in common?
34:22Oh!
34:23Oh!
34:25Come down!
34:26Come down and help!
34:27What do you...?
34:28Come down and help me!
34:29That's not really how it works, then.
34:30You don't come down and help.
34:31What's wrong?
34:32Basically...
34:33Yeah?
34:34..I feel so sick.
34:35OK.
34:36I feel really nauseous.
34:37Do you want a blanket?
34:38Yeah.
34:39I was going to get her a blanket, apparently.
34:41OK, yeah, please.
34:43OK.
34:44Phones away, please.
34:45BUZZER
34:50I see what you're doing there.
34:52Round two.
34:53Sport!
34:54If I potted a red, then a black,
34:58then a red, then a black,
35:00then a red, then a pink,
35:02then a red, then a yellow,
35:03then a red, then a black,
35:04then a red, then a brown,
35:05then a red, then a green,
35:06and all the colours,
35:07what would my break be worth?
35:09I'll be honest with you,
35:10I think this is when we do a quick romantic cheat.
35:13Right.
35:15So can I just give you a quick...
35:17There we go.
35:18Let's never speak of it again.
35:22BUZZER
35:25What is Sue Perkins' favourite sport?
35:27Oh!
35:28What is Sue...
35:29I need a sick bucket, now!
35:31A big bucket?
35:32Yeah.
35:34I'll call Sue Perkins.
35:36Hi, it's Sue here.
35:37Sorry I can't take your call.
35:40Sue!
35:41What?
35:42Hockey.
35:43Hockey, hockey, hockey.
35:52Hello, everyone.
35:53OK.
35:54Yeah?
35:55The answers.
35:56Have you all swapped sheets?
35:57No, sorry, we've just got them all mixed up.
35:59Quick as you can, please.
36:03As long as you don't have your own.
36:04BUZZER
36:05As long as we don't have our own sheets.
36:06Good try, though.
36:07The biggest rodent was, of course...
36:08Please sit down.
36:09Capybara.
36:101587.
36:12356 points.
36:13That would be a break of 70 points.
36:15Sue Perkins' favourite sport was, and still is...
36:19Football.
36:20It's hockey.
36:21It's not, it's football.
36:22Sorry, I have to be very passionate about this.
36:25Yeah.
36:26Sue Perkins is my best friend.
36:29It's hockey.
36:30Well, I've got her number, so I'll give her a call in the break.
36:32Give her a call...
36:33I'm sorry, I don't want to be weird about this.
36:34Can we call her now?
36:35Give her a call now.
36:36Let's call her now.
36:37Put it on the speaker, let's hear it.
36:39Hi, it's Sue here.
36:40Sorry I can't take your call, but I'm at the Underwater Hockey.
36:45Which is a shame, cos I actually really love football.
36:48LAUGHTER
36:52Underwater football.
36:53Have you just clocked up the scores?
36:57The Sporty Fuji flag dies.
36:59Yep.
37:00Zero in round one.
37:01Right.
37:02And then...
37:03Three.
37:04Three in round, in round two.
37:06Three, really?
37:07Didn't quite get there.
37:10And round two?
37:12Well, we got three, we thought we had got more.
37:15Well, rugby ball's right, isn't it?
37:16Yeah, that is.
37:17Well, misspelling apparently.
37:18It's misspelling.
37:19Well, they've misspelt the word misspelling.
37:21LAUGHTER
37:22Well done, guys.
37:23All right, round three will start in one minute.
37:25APPLAUSE
37:27APPLAUSE
37:32I mean, some of the most ludicrous overacting.
37:35I mean, Jones went down within seconds.
37:37LAUGHTER
37:38And then, Emma, I presume a trained actress,
37:41when you had your multiple physical collapses.
37:44I never trained, darling, I never trained.
37:46Oh, it doesn't show.
37:48LAUGHTER
37:49Do you know what I mean?
37:50Mama was the only one, wasn't he, wasn't overacting?
37:53Yes.
37:54But there's more to come, right?
37:55They're only halfway through.
37:56They're both pretty much neck and neck.
37:58I've caught them a few times, but there is a second half to come.
38:00That's the end of part three.
38:01Come back for part four
38:02and see someone take home some soulful prizes.
38:05It'll be like watching your kid in a school play,
38:07except shorter and fun,
38:09and you won't have to stave off boredom
38:11by imagining having an affair with a teacher.
38:14Just me!
38:15LAUGHTER
38:16APPLAUSE
38:26Hello!
38:27Welcome back to the final part of the show,
38:30where a pub quiz is taking place in the ship.
38:32On with the second half of the quiz,
38:34where the two teams have to win by cheating at least five times
38:37without being caught by old Eagle Eyes Horne,
38:39the handsome quiz master.
38:41Here's how they get on.
38:44Round three, picture round.
38:45Question one, what is Alex Horne holding?
38:48Phones away, please.
38:49BUZZER
38:50What country's flag has a green triangle on the left?
38:53I do have a cramp again.
38:57Please sit down.
38:58Don't be a whore, bro. Come on, man.
39:00Question three, please sit down.
39:02Alex, I've got a delivery.
39:04A delivery?
39:05Just checking if the guy's at the front door.
39:07This is a pub.
39:08Right.
39:09Yeah!
39:10Yeah!
39:11Yeah, you're right.
39:14LAUGHTER
39:16Yeah, I don't even want to start that.
39:18BUZZER
39:19Oh!
39:21Oh, God!
39:24There's no-one there.
39:25Oh, God!
39:26What animal features on Albania's flag?
39:29Right, we'll be back in two minutes with the answers.
39:33All right.
39:47Yo, yo, yo!
39:50BUZZER
39:55OK.
39:58This thing is insane.
40:01Hello, everyone.
40:02Hiya.
40:04OK, the answers.
40:06And please swap papers.
40:08Round three, the picture round.
40:09OK, what was I holding? What was redacted there?
40:14How did you know that?
40:17It's just the expression.
40:19And it was a colander.
40:21Yeah.
40:24Mmm.
40:25Thanks for coming, everyone.
40:26That is closing time now, so...
40:28Please get out.
40:29Thank you. Bye-bye.
40:30Bye-bye.
40:31Bye-bye.
40:37First of all, I will tell you the scores in the quiz.
40:40Andy, Emma and Baba got 22 out of 30.
40:43Jack and Rosie got 23 out of 30.
40:45Oh, God!
40:46But we subtract points for the amount of times I caught them cheating.
40:49I caught the team of three six times.
40:51I caught the team of two nine times.
40:54Which means the team of three win the quiz.
40:56Wow!
41:03It was close, so I don't know how you want to distribute points.
41:05Five and four?
41:06There we go, so four for the team of two, five for the team of three.
41:15Can we have a look at the scores, then?
41:16Yes, we can have a first look at the series scores, if you want, Greg.
41:19Ooh, yes, please.
41:20Well, it's sort of going like this.
41:22We've got Andy on 37, Baba on 40, Emma on 42,
41:25then we jump to Rosie on 46, Jack's on 53 at the moment.
41:33OK, it's that time again.
41:35Please head to the stage for the final task of the show!
41:40APPLAUSE
41:47What is going on?
41:49We found their doppelgangers!
41:55It's uncanny!
41:58Who's going to read the task, Alex?
42:00I'd like Jack D to read the task, please, Greg.
42:02Oh, Jack, would you read it? Yeah, OK.
42:05Russell, Russell, Phil, Phil, Mark, Mark, Rob, Rob and Pat, Pat.
42:10When Alex blows his whistle,
42:12you must all immediately either say one word to the person next to you
42:16or perform one action.
42:18The people may only say yes or no.
42:21If you perform the wrong action, you are disqualified.
42:24You will then meet a new person.
42:26First person to perform all the right actions
42:29to all the right people wins.
42:31So, you're sitting next to somebody who's either called Mark, Pat,
42:34Russell, Rob or Phil.
42:35So, if you think they're called Mark,
42:37you put a mark on their clipboard.
42:39If you think they're called Pat, you pat them on the head.
42:41If you think they're called Russell, you Russell them.
42:43You know what I mean?
42:44If you think they're called Rob, you steal one of their pencils.
42:47If you think they're called Phil, you put your stuffing down their top.
42:51If you find out that you're sat next to, for example, Mark,
42:54you have to wait till the next time you meet Mark to mark Mark.
42:57If you correctly Phil, Phil or Mark, Mark or Rob, Rob or Russell,
43:00you'll get a little sticker on your arm.
43:02The first person to get all five of them wins five points.
43:05No-one gets any other points.
43:07If you do the action wrong, you're out of the game.
43:10OK, it's... Once we get going, it's less complicated.
43:14Let's go.
43:15WHISTLE BLOWS
43:16Rob. No.
43:17Phil. No.
43:18Russell. No.
43:19Mark. No.
43:20Pat. No.
43:22Move!
43:23We're off.
43:24WHISTLE BLOWS
43:25Phil. No.
43:26Rob. Yes.
43:27Move!
43:28If you think you've got it right, you have to remember till next time.
43:31WHISTLE BLOWS
43:32Mark. Yes.
43:33Pat. Yes.
43:35Not yet! Sit down!
43:37Please sit down.
43:38Wait!
43:39Move!
43:41Now move!
43:44It's not very often you'll see Alex genuinely annoyed, ladies and gentlemen.
43:48So, here we go.
43:49Wait, wait, what are their names again?
43:53It's worth trying to remember them. It's Mark, Pat...
43:57..Russell, Rob and Phil.
43:59WHISTLE BLOWS
44:01Move!
44:02Phil!
44:03You're good.
44:05WHISTLE BLOWS
44:06Rob and Phil.
44:07No.
44:08There has been a successful action.
44:11Move!
44:13WHISTLE BLOWS
44:15Yeah.
44:20We have a disqualification. Baba has got this person wrong.
44:23You must stand behind your chair. He is disqualified.
44:25Oh, Baba.
44:26At this rate, I don't care.
44:27Right.
44:29Move!
44:30OK.
44:31Oh, shit!
44:36That's definitely not his name.
44:38WHISTLE BLOWS
44:41OK, we've got some more action. This is good.
44:43Move!
44:46WHISTLE BLOWS
44:49We have more action. Move, please, move.
44:51WHISTLE BLOWS
44:53We have action.
44:56Please move.
44:58WHISTLE BLOWS
45:01BUZZER
45:02We have a disqualification. Jack D is gone.
45:04Jack's gone.
45:05Only three left in the game.
45:07Are you going to kill me?
45:12Russell.
45:14Mark.
45:15Phil.
45:16Yes!
45:18APPLAUSE
45:21Let's go.
45:22And just so you know, thank you, Emma.
45:24Emma has one sticker.
45:25The Wizard has one sticker.
45:27Rosie has two stickers.
45:29He's got two!
45:30I know.
45:31What a save!
45:32She's playing you, Emma.
45:33She knows exactly what she's doing.
45:35Here we go.
45:36WHISTLE BLOWS
45:38Move, move, move.
45:40WHISTLE BLOWS
45:41Some action going on.
45:43The Wizard has another sticker.
45:45And move.
45:47WHISTLE BLOWS
45:48We have more action here.
45:49The Wizard has three stickers.
45:52WHISTLE BLOWS
45:55Four stickers.
45:59It could be approaching the end game.
46:01WHISTLE BLOWS
46:03WHISTLE BLOWS
46:04We have five stickers!
46:06APPLAUSE
46:10We will add those scores for final score.
46:12Come down and join me.
46:14APPLAUSE
46:20What a rush!
46:23All right, well, as you saw,
46:25there was only five points to one person there
46:27and that person was Mr Andy Zaltzman.
46:29APPLAUSE
46:30The Wizard has his revenge.
46:32It means the final table today looks like this.
46:37He's only gone and done it.
46:38The winner, with 21 points, is Andy Zaltzman!
46:41APPLAUSE
46:43Andy Zaltzman wins.
46:46Please go up and celebrate with your Soulful Prizes!
46:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE