Not Rated | 30min | Comedy,TV Series | Episode aired 18 December 1955
After the Sportsmen Quartet perform a Christmas musical number, "That's How Santa Claus Will Look This Year" (which segues into a middle commercial), Jack goes to Edgar Bergen's house to talk about being on the show; while he waits for Edgar, Frances sings a song. Jack then discovers that Edgar's dummies, Charlie McCarthy and Mortimer Snerd, are alive and can walk around. When Edgar arrives, he has Jack sit on his knee while they discuss the show.
Stars: Jack Benny, Edgar Bergen, Frances Bergen
After the Sportsmen Quartet perform a Christmas musical number, "That's How Santa Claus Will Look This Year" (which segues into a middle commercial), Jack goes to Edgar Bergen's house to talk about being on the show; while he waits for Edgar, Frances sings a song. Jack then discovers that Edgar's dummies, Charlie McCarthy and Mortimer Snerd, are alive and can walk around. When Edgar arrives, he has Jack sit on his knee while they discuss the show.
Stars: Jack Benny, Edgar Bergen, Frances Bergen
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:00From Television City in Hollywood, the Jack Benny program with his special guest Mrs.
00:11Edgar Bergen, presented by Lucky Strike.
00:30Thank you very, very much, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Lucky Strike program.
00:35Well, here it is, a week before Christmas, and I haven't even started to do my shopping yet.
00:42I guess it's because, I don't know, every year is such a problem for me. I have so many people that
00:47I have to remember. You know, my cast, my staff, there's Don Wilson, and there's Dennis Day,
00:53and then there's Rochester. You see, Rochester's been working for me for over 18 years,
00:59and it's so hard to know what to get for them. He's got nothing.
01:10And then there's Don Wilson, of course. His wife helped me a little bit on that.
01:15She told me that he wanted a shirt, and she told me his size, too. It was 16-33.
01:22I mean, where can you find a shirt with a 33 neck and a 16 sleeve?
01:29Then, of course, they're my orchestra boys. I always exchange gifts every year with them,
01:37and they've already given me mine. They sent me, the boys did, they sent me the most beautiful
01:44five-carat diamond ring that you've ever seen. I got it already. The ring came,
01:49and there was no card in it or anything, but I knew it was from my
01:53musicians when the police came and took it back.
01:59Fortunately, in our next musical arrangement, the clarinet player has a 10-year rest.
02:11And, of course, Remley, you know, Frank Remley, my guitar player,
02:15every year I always buy him a bottle of bourbon, but his doctor absolutely refuses
02:22to allow him to touch liquor this year, you know, so I gave him something else,
02:26and he was just thrilled. I gave him the name of a new doctor.
02:35Well, to get on with the show, there's something I want to tell you, and I'm quite proud of this.
02:39You see, one of my writers, Sam Perrin, and my musical director, Mr. Malin Mary,
02:43got together just a few weeks ago, and they wrote a brand new Christmas song. It's a novel-y song
02:50called That's How Santa Claus Will Look This Year. The Sportsman Quartet are going to sing it.
02:56And with the sportsman...
02:57Jack, Jack, I'm really sorry to interrupt, but before the sportsman come out to do the number,
03:06I want you to meet Mr. Enrico Scorticini.
03:10Mr. Scorticini, how do you do, sir?
03:11How do you do? It's my pleasure, sir.
03:14I can't tell you how much I have looked forward to performing on your show tonight.
03:20Well, let's see.
03:21You're going to perform on the show?
03:24Oh, yes, yes, certainly, Jack. You see, we want to do this number properly, so
03:28I took the privilege of hiring Mr. Scorticini to work with the sportsman.
03:33Oh, well, good, good. I mean, you know, we want the number to go right.
03:36Yeah, we sure do. Oh, and something else, Jack.
03:39Mr. Scorticini has consented to come on the show for only $1,000.
03:43Ah!
03:53What'd you say, Don?
03:55I said he's consented to come on for only $1,000.
04:00Don, how many times have I told you that the words only and thousand don't go together?
04:07Look at Don. Excuse me just a minute.
04:09Don, as long as the sportsman quartet are going to do it...
04:12Why do we need...
04:12Look, just a minute, Jack. Now, I don't know whether you'll appreciate this or not,
04:16but it just so happens that Mr. Scorticini is between tours.
04:20And the reason he consented to come on for only $1,000 is
04:23because he likes you so very, very much.
04:26Now, couldn't you find somebody who hates me a little?
04:32I found a lot of people who despise you, but they can't sing.
04:35Oh, it's a bad place, isn't it?
04:38Well...
04:40Well, now, Jack, look, don't worry about a thing.
04:42Everything is going to be all right. Just leave it up to me.
04:44Mr. Scorticini is really going to make this number.
04:48And now, ladies and gentlemen, that's how Santa Claus will look this year,
04:52sung by Mr. Enrico Scorticini, supported by the sportsman quartet.
05:08That's how Santa Claus will look this year.
05:12And to get us all of the things we need, he will ride the planes on his trusty steed.
05:18Way out west will be his new frontier.
05:23With a yippee-yai, ho-ho-ho, he'll laugh so jolly.
05:28He will yippee-yai, ho-ho-ho, so loud and clear.
05:33With a long white beard and a suit of red,
05:36and a baby Crockett hat on his head,
05:38that's how old Saint Nick will get his Christmas kick.
05:43Yes, that's how Santa Claus will look this year.
05:48Here he comes, here he comes, ho-ho, here he comes, ho-ho-ho-ho.
05:54With a jolly laugh and a golden pack full of good old luckies on his back,
05:59that's what Santa Claus will bring this year.
06:02Every lucky strike has a taste you like, for the perfect gift, give lucky strike.
06:07Every pop is full of Christmas cheer.
06:12With a yippee-yai, ho-ho-ho, he'll laugh so jolly.
06:18With a yippee-yai, ho-ho-ho, so loud and clear.
06:23Lucky strike is smoother, fresher too, and it's so much cleaner through and through.
06:29What a cigarette, it's toasted, don't forget.
06:34Smoke lucky strike throughout this coming year.
06:40Make lucky strike your smoke this coming year.
06:58Don, a thousand dollars for a ho-ho-ho?
07:26That's ridiculous.
07:27Well, I thought he was a real bargain.
07:29Oh, you did, eh?
07:30Well, the next time you hire somebody without consulting me, you understand?
07:34I'm going to ring your size 33 neck.
07:37Now, go on, will you?
07:38Go?
07:39Yes.
07:40Oh, I can't understand Jack.
07:42Oh, darn it, I tried to give a little class to the show.
07:50Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, that number was written by my two boys.
07:54It was recorded by the Dijon Sisters, and I hope you will buy the records,
07:58because my boys are going to have to pay Mr. Scordazzini.
08:03We'll see who gets the last ho-ho-ho.
08:09You know, I don't want you to get the impression that I don't like to play pay for talent,
08:13because I will if the talent merits it.
08:15Now, for instance, in a short time now, in a few weeks from now, I'm going to do a show
08:20where I want to use a ventriloquist as a guest star.
08:23And I even want to speak to Edgar Bergen about it,
08:27because I love the way Mr. Bergen works with his two dummies,
08:31you know, Charlie McCarthy and Mortimer Snurk.
08:34And I had lunch with Mr. Bergen a couple of times.
08:36We discussed it.
08:37And about three days ago, I had an appointment to meet him at his house.
08:54Mr. Bergen's residence.
08:57Ah, it's you, Mr. Bergen.
08:59Ja.
09:00Ja.
09:02If he comes, I will tell him to wait.
09:04Ja.
09:06Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.
09:11Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh, root, hoot, dee, hoo.
09:23Oh, come in, come in.
09:27How do you do?
09:28I'm Jack Benny.
09:28I have an appointment with Mr. Bergen.
09:30Oh, ja, I know.
09:31Mr. Bergen just called on the telephone.
09:33He'll be home here pretty soon.
09:35Won't you come in and wait?
09:36No, no, thank you.
09:36Thank you very much.
09:37It's a nice house.
09:41My, what a beautiful portrait of Mrs. Bergen.
09:44Ja, this.
09:46Look at this.
09:48To Edgar Bergen from Gustav.
09:51Hmm, an autographed picture from the King of Sweden.
09:55Mr. Bergen must be quite proud of this.
09:57Oh, ja, by Yemen he is very proud of it.
10:00Mr. Bergen is Swedish, you know.
10:02I know, I know, yes.
10:04I am Swedish, too.
10:08No.
10:12Funny, I thought...
10:12Ja.
10:14Funny, I thought you came from French Morocco.
10:16And Mr. Benny, would you like to have me tell Mrs. Bergen that you're here?
10:22Oh, is Mr. Bergen home?
10:24Ja.
10:25Will you come around here, please?
10:27Well, here's this book that George Burns wrote.
10:30I love her, that's why.
10:32Cute title.
10:34Remember, he asked me to write the prologue to it, too.
10:37Let's see, where is it?
10:39Oh, there it is.
10:40Prologue by Jack Benny.
10:47Heh.
11:06I was reading in good form when I wrote that prologue.
11:09Someday I must read the book.
11:13Oh, there you are, Mrs. Bergen.
11:15Mr. Benny is in the living room.
11:17Thank you, I'll go right in.
11:20Jack!
11:22Well, Frances!
11:27That's wonderful.
11:28Well, it's good to see you.
11:30Edgar mentioned you dropped by, but he must be detained at the studio rehearsing his radio show.
11:34Yes, your butler told me he called.
11:36Oh, well, the house is a mess.
11:37I've been wrapping Christmas packages.
11:39I see.
11:40I hope you don't mind waiting.
11:41No, no, it's so nice and cozy and Christmassy and everything with the trees.
11:45Oh, thank you.
11:46And Jack, I want you to know that of all the Christmas cards, yours was the prettiest.
11:51Well, I...
11:52You got it already?
11:53I only mailed it last night.
11:55No, no, Jack, I'm talking about the ones you sold us.
11:59Oh, oh, yes.
12:02I did have a nice selection this year, I thought.
12:05Yes, you did.
12:06Well, Jack, I'm awfully sorry Edgar's so late,
12:09but if you'd like a drink while you're waiting,
12:11I'll ring for Pierre and have him fix you one.
12:13No, no, no, I don't...
12:15Wait a minute.
12:17Your butler's name is Pierre?
12:19Yes, we picked him up in French Morocco.
12:21That's the darndest thing I ever heard.
12:34Say, Frances, you know, when I was talking to Edgar about being on my show,
12:38he told me something about you that I didn't know.
12:40Oh, what's that?
12:41Well, he told me that you sing.
12:43Oh, I don't really sing.
12:45Sometimes I entertain at parties and I've appeared with Edgar a few times.
12:49Well, look, that would be wonderful.
12:50I didn't know you sing.
12:51Maybe you could sing and come on my television show sometime after Edgar does.
12:55Oh, Jack.
12:56No, look, we've got to wait here anyway.
12:58Now, come on, let me hear you do a number.
12:59I never dreamed you could sing.
13:00Well, are you sure you want to hear something?
13:02Certainly I do.
13:02Come on.
13:03Well, all right.
13:05Uh, let me see.
13:06Well, this is a new number I did at Daryl Zanuck's big party last week.
13:11Wait a minute.
13:12I didn't hear you sing at Daryl's party.
13:16You weren't there.
13:21I would have been there, but I didn't know he was giving a party.
13:26Go ahead, sing, will you?
13:27Will you, Frances?
13:28Sure you want to hear it?
13:29Certainly, go ahead.
13:30I'd love to.
13:30I didn't even know you could sing.
13:32Go ahead.
13:32Believe in what you're doing and do what you believe in and life.
13:42We'll have a new dimension, lots of laughs, a lot less tension.
13:49Soon you'll find you've found a new way.
13:54For sleep and sounder, your goal is high, but you'll achieve it just as long as you believe.
14:04That's why each graduation day, the guest of honor will always say
14:13to be successful in the field you choose, students, all you got to do is believe.
14:22Follow, follow.
14:26What you believe in and life will offer love and laughter ever after, just believe.
14:36That's why each graduation day, the guest of honor will always say
14:45to be successful in the field you choose, students, all you got to do is believe.
14:54In what you're doing and do what you believe in and life will offer love and laughter ever after,
15:07just believe.
15:19That was wonderful.
15:21Beautiful.
15:23Believe me, if I'd have known, if I'd have known that you sang, I'd certainly, oh.
15:30Hello?
15:31Yes, this is Mrs. Bergen.
15:34When Mr. Bergen isn't home, may I take a message?
15:37What?
15:39Oh, that's wonderful.
15:41Oh, he'll be very pleased about that.
15:44Yes, he'll be down in the morning.
15:46Bye.
15:48Gee, isn't that lucky?
15:50Why, what was it?
15:52Edgar's five-carat diamond ring.
15:54The police got it back.
16:00Oh, lookit, lookit, Francis, getting back to the song.
16:03I really, while you were singing, I got an idea for a show.
16:06Now, sit down and I want to tell you.
16:08Now, we can do this any time.
16:10Oh, Mrs. Bergen, where are you, Mrs. Bergen?
16:14Come out, come out, wherever you are.
16:16Oh, there you are, Mrs. Bergen.
16:28Say, can I go down to the city dumps and slug rats with Skinny Dugan?
16:33For only one hour, Charlie.
16:36Now, wait a minute, come back here.
16:38Huh?
16:39You've got a stain on that tie.
16:41Now, go to your room and get another one.
16:43One little stain, one stinking little stain.
16:46You've got to have a clean tie to slug rats.
16:57You know, Jack, sometimes, Charlie...
17:00Jack?
17:01What's the matter, Jack?
17:03Francis, Francis, that was, that was Charlie McCarthy.
17:10Oh, certainly.
17:12I don't know why that boy always...
17:13But, Francis, Francis, he's real.
17:19What are you talking about?
17:24Francis, all, all these years, I've been thinking about you.
17:28Francis, all, all these years, I thought he was a dummy.
17:32Oh, now, Jack, you've been in show business all your life.
17:36How can you be so naive?
17:40I don't know.
17:44I don't know.
17:47I can't get over it.
17:50How is this, Mrs. Bergen?
17:52Oh, fine.
17:53Here, come on, let me tie it.
17:54Oh, it still has a stain on it.
18:04Hey, are you trying to take my pocket?
18:13No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry.
18:24Oh, yeah.
18:46That I don't understand at all.
18:51Oh, I never was any good with men's ties.
18:53Maybe Mr. Benny will tie it for you.
18:55Yeah, would you please?
18:56Yeah, it's a little crooked here.
19:02Yeah, 39, he says.
19:06There you are.
19:07There you are, Charlie.
19:08Yeah, thank you, 39.
19:10The last time he saw 50 was on a speedometer.
19:12I can't get over it.
19:24I can't get over it.
19:27Jack, you're not putting on an act, are you?
19:29Putting on an act?
19:32For years, I was so sure that Charlie McCarthy was a dummy that I was so positive I would have bet
19:3950 cents.
19:43No.
19:44Yes.
19:46I was never so baffled in my life.
19:48Oh, Mrs. Bergen, oh, Mrs. Bergen, I finished my work.
19:54I'm ready to collect my quarter.
19:56Okay, Mortimer.
19:58Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
20:08Oh, no.
20:13No.
20:14No, no.
20:16No, no, no, no.
20:20No.
20:22No, no, no.
20:22Well now, here's your quarter. Did you do a good job?
20:28Yeah, I got all the leaves. It was tough getting up on the tree, but I got them.
20:32Well now, what are you going to do with your quarter?
20:37Well, I thought maybe I'd say, who's the yokel? Can we talk in front of him?
20:43Perfectly all right.
20:47Are you sure now? You sure he ain't an eavesdropper?
20:51No Mortimer, that's dropper.
20:55He looks more like a drooper.
20:59Mortimer, this is Jack Benny. Now go over and say hello.
21:03Oh...
21:07Er... Doss.
21:11Well, what was it you told me to say to him?
21:15I told you to say hello.
21:19I told you to say hello.
21:23Oh...
21:27Hello.
21:31You're Mortimer Snurd.
21:35Oh, excuse me.
21:39I know I'm Mortimer, but what was that last part he threw at me?
21:43Snurd, that's your last name.
21:47You are Mortimer Snurd. Now we've told you that hundreds of times.
21:51No, but not today.
21:55Oh, what did you say your name was?
21:59I'm... I'm Jack... Jack...
22:03Benny.
22:07Yes, Jack Benny.
22:11You're a little hard of thinking too.
22:15Now Mortimer, this is Jack Benny.
22:19Star of stage, screen, radio and television.
22:23Oh, you Jack Benny that on the radio? Yes, yes.
22:27On the stage? Yes.
22:31You've got your own television show? I have.
22:35Well, well, Jack Benny.
22:39Oh, then you've heard of me.
22:43Mortimer, what do you mean you never heard of Jack Benny?
22:47Now, how did you get so stupid?
22:51Well, I was... I was... I... What was that question?
22:55I said, how did you get so stupid?
22:59Well, I had a good deal and I just couldn't turn it down.
23:03Well, so long, Mr... Mr...
23:07Oh, the heck with it.
23:11The heck with it.
23:23I was never so confused in my whole life.
23:27I just can't figure it out. I was never so...
23:31I just can't understand...
23:41I'm sorry I was late. Say, I've been thinking about the show and I've got it all worked out.
23:45Edgar, Edgar, I want to tell you, I can't... I can't understand you.
23:49Yeah, sit down. I'll tell you about it, Jack. See, at the opening show... No, no, not there, Jack. Here, here, here.
23:53Jack with Edgar Berger will be back in just a minute, but first, here's a word to cigarette smokers.
24:27Thank you very, very much, ladies and gentlemen.
24:31Francis, I want to thank you and Edgar, both of you, for being on my show.
24:35Jack, we enjoyed it very much. Oh, we thought it was lots of fun, Jack.
24:39Well, I'm so glad you did, and Edgar, I also want to wish you a lot of success
24:43on your own new television show, which starts January 3rd on CBS.
24:47That's right. I wish you a lot of luck on that show. Thank you, Jack.
24:59Ladies and gentlemen, be sure and watch Ann Southern next week. I'll be back
25:03in two weeks. And now, on behalf of my sponsor
25:07and my entire staff, I want to wish all of you a very, very
25:11Merry Christmas.
25:21♪
25:25♪
25:29♪
25:33Appearing on tonight's program are Harry Stewart, Stevie Wooten, and Louis
25:37Metier. Remember, we'll see you next week.