Not Rated | 30min | Comedy | Episode aired 19 April 1953
Fred does his best to get Jack fired by the sponsor and has himself in line as Jack's replacement.
Director: Ralph Levy
Writers: George Balzer, Milt Josefsberg, Sam Perrin, John Tackaberry
Stars: Jack Benny, Eddie 'Rochester' Anderson, Don Wilson
Fred does his best to get Jack fired by the sponsor and has himself in line as Jack's replacement.
Director: Ralph Levy
Writers: George Balzer, Milt Josefsberg, Sam Perrin, John Tackaberry
Stars: Jack Benny, Eddie 'Rochester' Anderson, Don Wilson
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00♪♪
00:05From Television City in Hollywood,
00:07the Jack Benny program with a special guest, Fred Allen.
00:10♪♪
00:14-♪♪
00:17-♪♪
00:20-♪♪
00:24Thank you very, very much ladies and gentlemen
00:26and welcome to the Lucky Strike program.
00:29Now on our show tonight, we...
00:33Oh, in case you're wondering about these,
00:37you know, my producer insisted
00:40that I wear glasses when I first come out
00:43because he said it wouldn't hurt
00:45if people thought I was Mr. Peepers.
00:48-♪♪
00:52And he had another idea too about my standing.
00:57He made this suggestion, you know,
00:58that I stand in the center of the stage, you see,
01:01and then sometime during the performance,
01:04a big two-ton block of cement
01:10should fall down and hit me on the head.
01:13He felt that this would appeal
01:16to the people who watched you ask for it.
01:19-♪♪
01:23Thousands of requests, you know.
01:26But on my show tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
01:28as you probably know, my guest star is Fred Allen.
01:32And a lot of people think, of course,
01:34because of this feud that's been going on
01:36for so many years, that Fred and I are enemies,
01:39that we hate each other.
01:40And this isn't true at all because Fred Allen and I
01:43are the best of friends.
01:47-♪♪
01:50Now maybe I'm overdoing it.
01:54I mean, just a little bit.
01:56I wouldn't say that we were the best of friends.
01:59You know, I would just say that we,
02:01I'd say that we're friends.
02:03You know, just friends.
02:08Friends might not be the exact word
02:12that I'm trying to say.
02:13What I mean is that we're more, more,
02:19well, I don't know, maybe we do hate each other.
02:23You know, I can't stand him.
02:27You know, I remember a few years ago,
02:29I must tell you this.
02:30When Fred Allen first came out here to Los Angeles,
02:33to Hollywood, to make a picture, you see,
02:35he made a picture called It's in the Bag.
02:37And the producer of this picture
02:39wanted me to play a small part in it for nothing.
02:41You know, I didn't get paid or anything.
02:43And he talked me into it by telling me
02:46that this picture would be made in Technicolor.
02:49So I was kind of anxious to see how I'd look.
02:51My eyes and everything.
02:57So he told me this would be made in Technicolor.
03:00But the minute we started to shoot the picture,
03:02we found out that we couldn't do it
03:04in Technicolor at all.
03:05They had to make it in black and white
03:07because due to a peculiar pigment
03:10in Fred Allen's skin,
03:13he photographs Argyle.
03:22I remember twice in the dressing room,
03:23I put my foot in his mouth.
03:28But what a character, that Fred Allen.
03:30What a face on Fred Allen.
03:32With those bags under his eyes,
03:34he looks like a short butcher
03:36peeping over two pounds of liver.
03:42But anyway,
03:44tonight, after our television show,
03:48the one we're doing now,
03:49I'm flying to San Francisco
03:50because I'm opening tomorrow night
03:51at the Kern Theater for three weeks.
03:53I'm playing a theater for three weeks.
03:55And the reason I'm so excited
03:57is because this,
03:59you know, the very first time
04:00I ever appeared in public
04:02was in San Francisco.
04:04I remember I played my violin, you see.
04:08And this was, oh, years ago.
04:09I forget just where.
04:10I know it was right in the shopping center
04:14of San Francisco.
04:15I think it was on the corner
04:16of Market and Taylor.
04:20I understand there's a theater there now.
04:24But anyway, when I was playing,
04:26the violin at this point...
04:28Raleigh, Phil,
04:29will you bring the boom in a little closer
04:30so we can get the extra scenery
04:31right behind you?
04:32What is it? What's the trouble?
04:33I mean, what's wrong?
04:34Oh, you won't have to go over
04:35your monologue anymore.
04:36That's fine, Mr. Benny.
04:37The length's just right.
04:38Excuse me a minute.
04:39Fellas, will you cut the house lights
04:41in back, please?
04:43Well, look, look, look.
04:44I mean, you mean I don't have to
04:46rehearse any longer now?
04:47Well, if I don't have to rehearse
04:49the monologue, maybe I can rehearse
04:51the sketch that I'm to do
04:53with Fred Allen.
04:54Oh, no, no.
04:55We can't go over that either
04:56because Mr. Allen hasn't
04:57arrived for rehearsal.
04:59How do you like that?
05:01I give a guy a job
05:03because I'm sorry for him.
05:05I pay his bus fare
05:07all the way to New York.
05:10But he doesn't show up at rehearsal.
05:12Well, as long as we stop,
05:14we might as well break for lunch.
05:15Lunch, everybody.
05:16Break for lunch.
05:17Lunch, everybody.
05:18Rochester,
05:19we're breaking for lunch.
05:32How's everything?
05:33You got everything?
05:34Oh, just fine, just fine.
05:35What's that, boss?
05:36No, wait on the customers first.
05:39Ham and cheese.
05:40Ham and cheese, yes.
05:41Very, very good.
05:42That's it.
05:43See if the orchestra wants something, too.
05:45Renly, you want a sandwich?
05:48No.
05:58Oh, don't forget your change.
05:59There you are.
06:03Rochester,
06:04look, I want to ask you something.
06:06Why do you put so much ketchup
06:09on the sandwich?
06:10Well, that was an idea of mine
06:12to drum up more business.
06:14Well, how would ketchup
06:15give us more business?
06:16Well, I figured that
06:17a little of it dripped on their shirts,
06:18we might get to do their laundry, too.
06:25I never thought of that.
06:27Oh, Mr. Benny.
06:28Mr. Benny.
06:29Ham or cheese?
06:30I had my lunch.
06:32I just wanted to tell you
06:33that as long as Mr. Allen
06:34isn't here,
06:35not spicy enough,
06:36as long as Mr. Allen
06:37isn't here,
06:38we might as well skip
06:39the dialogue rehearsal
06:40and we've got a lot of work
06:41to do with the lights anyway,
06:42so we won't need you
06:43for probably two hours.
06:46Two hours.
06:47Rochester, look it,
06:48I had an appointment
06:49with my sponsor at four o'clock.
06:51Now we're breaking for two hours.
06:52I'll be late for the...
06:54Well, boss,
06:55if you don't have to do anything
06:56for two hours,
06:57why don't you go see your sponsor now?
06:58Hey, maybe I'll do that.
06:59You know, this is the day
07:00that he picks up my option
07:02for next year.
07:03Picks up your option?
07:04There's nothing to worry about, Rochester.
07:05You know, it's just a formality.
07:07That's all.
07:08You know, he just wants to be sure
07:09that he's got me.
07:10You know.
07:12You know, for next year.
07:13That's all.
07:14I'll run along and see him.
07:15You sell all the sandwiches
07:16and everything.
07:17Uh-huh.
07:18Don't forget.
07:19Oh, by the way, Rochester,
07:20while you're selling the sandwich,
07:21give him a sort of a floor show.
07:22You know what I mean?
07:23Sing and dance or something,
07:24and that way we can get
07:25the cover charge, too.
07:27You know.
07:31Roast beef, ham, cheese,
07:33Mr. Bass,
07:34and some noodle soup.
07:35Oh, we ain't got a bill of money.
07:38May be ragged and funny,
07:41But we're traveling along,
07:43Singing along,
07:45Side to side.
07:47Oh, we don't know
07:48what's coming tomorrow.
07:50May be trouble and sorrow,
07:53But we're traveling around,
07:55Sharing along,
07:57Side to side.
08:00In all sorts of weather,
08:03May be the sky'll fall.
08:06Long as we're together,
08:09Doesn't matter at all.
08:11Oh, we'll have no trouble parted.
08:14We'll be back where we started.
08:17We'll travel along,
08:21Side to side.
08:24In all sorts of weather,
08:27Doesn't matter at all.
08:30Long as we're together,
08:33Doesn't matter at all.
08:35Let's go.
08:36Let's go.
08:37To the beautiful soup and pasta bowl.
08:40Let's go.
08:41Oh, we'll travel along,
08:43Singing a song,
08:44Side to side.
08:59Hello.
09:00The American Tobacco Company.
09:02I'm sorry, but Mr. Lewis
09:03can't be disturbed right now.
09:05However, I'd be very happy
09:06to take a message.
09:08Yes.
09:10Yes.
09:11Mm-hmm.
09:13Uh-huh.
09:15Yes.
09:16Yes, sir.
09:17I'll see that he gets it.
09:20Yes, sir.
09:21My name is...
09:22Excuse me.
09:25Mr. Lewis' office.
09:27Oh, yes.
09:28He asked me to take the information.
09:30Yes.
09:32Yes.
09:34Mm-hmm.
09:36Uh-huh.
09:37Yes.
09:39Yes, I've got it.
09:42Yes, sir.
09:43My name is...
09:48Mr. Lewis' office.
09:50Yes.
09:51Oh, yes.
09:53Yes.
09:57I see.
10:00Yes.
10:01Well, I think so.
10:03Well, it seems that Mr. Lewis...
10:06Just a moment, please.
10:09Hello.
10:10My name is Jack Benny.
10:12I'd like to speak to Mr. Lewis, please.
10:14I'm sorry, Mr. Benny,
10:15but Mr. Lewis can't be disturbed right now.
10:17Can he call you back?
10:18Call me back?
10:19Yes.
10:20Are you at home or in Palm Springs?
10:22I'm in Stockholm.
10:24Smorgasbord 8321.
10:28Look, miss, I've been trying...
10:29Oh, Mr. Benny, I'm terribly sorry.
10:32All right.
10:34I have an appointment with Mr. Lewis.
10:37Could I see him, please?
10:38I'm sorry, Mr. Benny,
10:39but Mr. Lewis has someone in his office right now.
10:41He left orders not to be disturbed.
10:43Do you mind waiting?
10:44No, no, no.
10:45Not at all.
10:46May I have Mr. Lewis call you back, please?
10:49See, Mr. Lewis is picking up my option today.
10:54That's nice.
10:56You know, I've been with the American Tobacco Company
10:58now for 10 years,
10:59and they're very, very happy with me, you know.
11:02That's nice.
11:06But then why shouldn't they be?
11:08You see, I'm acknowledged to be
11:10one of the greatest comedians that...
11:12Excuse me.
11:15Excuse me.
11:16Excuse me.
11:17Excuse me.
11:18Excuse me.
11:19Excuse me.
11:20Excuse me.
11:21Excuse me.
11:22Excuse me.
11:23Excuse me.
11:30Yeah, I hope he doesn't keep me waiting too long.
11:33I don't want to miss my rehearsal.
11:39As I was saying, Mr. Lewis...
11:49As I was saying, Mr. Lewis,
11:50it isn't that I want Mr. Benny's job, you understand.
11:53It's just that the time has come
11:55to have you put him out to pasture.
11:59Put him out to pasture?
12:00Yes.
12:01For 30 years, Benny has been milking the same jokes
12:04to an audience that is not contented.
12:07Now, think it over, Mr. Lewis.
12:09I don't know.
12:10Taking a man like Jack Benny
12:11and putting him out to pasture,
12:13do you think it'll work?
12:15Why, of course.
12:16Look, if Benny can spend the last years of his life
12:18around anything green,
12:20he'll go for it.
12:22Take my advice, Mr. Lewis.
12:24Let him go.
12:25I'll take the show over
12:26and finish the season for you.
12:27But I can't let Jack go like that.
12:30Besides, we've given him a contract.
12:32Mr. Lewis,
12:33you are a shrewd businessman, Mr. Lewis.
12:38I know that somewhere nestled down
12:40in that legal document
12:42that there must be a tobacco-picking claw.
12:46Mr. Allen, why don't you sit down?
12:48Sit down?
12:49Have you ever ridden 3,200 miles on a bus?
12:55If the sun feels like I do right now,
12:57it will never set again.
13:01Well, try that chair.
13:02It's very comfortable.
13:09Now, before I make a change,
13:11I'd have to be sure it was one for the better.
13:13Now, tell me,
13:14have you any television experience?
13:17Nobody has.
13:20Even the voice of experience
13:22has no television experience.
13:24But I have studied the medium thoroughly, Mr. Lewis,
13:28and I see television as a small screen
13:31and every performer must confine himself
13:33to a small area in the screen.
13:36You understand?
13:37And I've been training for that.
13:39I am ready for television
13:40because I have been rehearsing
13:42inside of a Bendix washing machine.
13:46Inside a Bendix washing machine?
13:48Yes, sir.
13:49And to make a popular slogan even more popular,
13:52now the tide's in,
13:54let's let Benny out.
13:58Mr. Allen,
13:59may I ask you a personal question?
14:02Why, of course.
14:03You see,
14:04I've seen you on an occasional guest appearance.
14:07Yes.
14:08Now, does that give you enough money to live on?
14:10Oh, hardly, I would say.
14:12But I have a unique talent, Mr. Lewis,
14:15that affords me steady employment, I might say.
14:19That is, three days a week.
14:20Well, that's wonderful.
14:21What do you do?
14:22I'm a taster for Dr. Ross' dog food.
14:27Dog food?
14:28I'm the Fido who knows best.
14:31My name is known in every kennel
14:33from coast to coast, Mr. Lewis.
14:35They call me the canine Duncan High.
14:40A dog food taster?
14:41That is unique.
14:42Well, it's a talent that I acquired
14:45during a dull season of layoffs
14:47in New York some years ago.
14:49There was a, things were bad,
14:50and I knew a talking dog.
14:52And he invited me over to dinner one night,
14:54and I sort of got to eat.
14:58Oh, Mr. Allen.
14:59Now, as regards the Lucky Strike program,
15:01I've no doubt that you're very well qualified.
15:03Yes.
15:04But I must face the fact
15:06that in Benny we have a double asset.
15:08You see, he's not only a comedian,
15:11but he also plays a musical instrument.
15:13Plays?
15:14Aren't we using the word rather loosely, Mr. Lewis?
15:18Rather, let us say Mr. Benny has an instrument.
15:22But if it's music you want, Mr. Lewis,
15:24I have come here prepared, sir.
15:27I, uh, you won't know your,
15:29you're sure you like music.
15:30Oh, Lord.
15:31Love music.
15:32Well, you won't know your office
15:33in Carnegie Hall in just two seconds here.
15:36Are you prepared?
15:39♪
15:56Well, there you are, Mr. Lewis.
15:58You have all of my qualifications.
16:00Now, if you will guarantee
16:02to drop Benny's option
16:04and make me the star of the show,
16:06I will not only do a better job for Lucky Strike,
16:09but I will give you a program
16:11with no loose ends.
16:16You said no loose ends.
16:17The secret words.
16:18The secret words.
16:19The secret words and the $100 is yours.
16:25Say, does Groucho know about this, Jesse?
16:29Groucho installed it for me.
16:31Well.
16:33Tell me when to, uh,
16:34when do I start to work, Mr. Lewis?
16:36Well, I'm very grateful for your offer, Mr. Allen,
16:38but you must give me a few days to think it over.
16:40You see, I have an appointment with Mr. Benny
16:42regarding his option,
16:43but I'll do my best to stall him off.
16:45Well, that's certainly fair enough.
16:47And I tell you, if you should decide to favor me,
16:49will you please call me before 9 o'clock in the morning?
16:52It's so embarrassing being pulled out of line
16:55down at the unemployment office.
16:57Goodbye, Mr. Lewis.
16:58Goodbye, Mr. Allen.
16:59It's really been a pleasure.
17:00Thank you for coming by.
17:09What's the matter, Mr. Allen?
17:10It's Benny.
17:11He's outside.
17:12He can't see me in here.
17:13I'll hide in the closet.
17:14No, no, no, not in that closet.
17:15Go in that one there.
17:16Oh, the one over...
17:17Say, I may be in here for some time.
17:19Have you, uh...
17:20Have you got a light?
17:21Oh, why, yes, certainly.
17:22I'm ready to work for the company.
17:23I'm smoking the cigarettes already, Jesse.
17:25Oh, dear.
17:28There we are.
17:29You hit it?
17:30Yes, I have.
17:37Miss Rockford, you may send Mr. Benny in now.
17:40Yes, Mr. Lewis.
17:41Oh, Mr. Benny, you may go in now.
17:43Oh, thank you.
17:44Thank you very, very much.
17:50Well!
17:51Hello, Mr. Lewis.
17:53Hello, Jess.
17:54How are you?
17:55May I take that?
17:56Yes, sir.
17:57Sit down, sit down.
17:58Thank you very much.
18:00You know, Mr. Lewis, I...
18:01You know, I'll never forget the very first year
18:03that I ever worked for you.
18:05You know, when auction time came along,
18:07I was a nervous wreck.
18:08But now, I don't know, it's just a formality.
18:11It doesn't bother me at all.
18:13I just come in, you sign the contract,
18:14and that's that, isn't it?
18:16It's been a wonderful association.
18:18Yes, it has been.
18:19Been?
18:22Oh, been?
18:23Yes, yes, yes, it has.
18:25And I'm fully convinced
18:27that it will continue to be, to be.
18:31Been a lot of fun working for you, Mr. Lewis.
18:33And you've been a wonderful sponsor.
18:36And after all, where else can you find a comedian
18:38as funny as I am?
18:40You know?
18:47Now, Mr. Lewis, I do think that...
18:49Mr. Lewis, I have the options you wanted to sign today.
18:52Oh, the options!
18:53Yes, yes, yes.
18:54Good, that's splendid.
18:55The options!
18:58Now, what is the first one?
19:00The first one?
19:01The Hip Parade.
19:02The Hip Parade.
19:04Ann Southern.
19:05There's Ann Southern's option.
19:07Robert Montgomery.
19:08Robert Montgomery.
19:09Now, you'll see these are put in the mail,
19:11so they can be counter-signed.
19:12Yeah, but where's mine?
19:13Look it, look it.
19:14Jack, look it.
19:15But my option, my option, look it,
19:17I came up here to sign an option.
19:19I mean, let's get this over with, Mr. Lewis.
19:21Let's have no loose ends.
19:24Jack!
19:32Mr. Lewis, I said let's have no loose ends.
19:35Jack, what are you looking for?
19:37You know what I'm looking for.
19:38Groucho told me.
19:41Where, where, where's my contract?
19:43I came up here to sign a contract.
19:44Now, where is it?
19:45It'll be at my desk alone.
19:46But it should be in the...
19:52Mr. Lewis!
19:54What is my contract doing in the wastebasket?
19:57It must have blown off my desk.
19:58You see, when the windows open,
19:59there's a strong wind from the northeast.
20:03That's funny.
20:04Last year, it was from the southwest.
20:08Look it, Mr.
20:09Mr. Lewis, now, why beat around the bush?
20:12I mean, everything we say here is...
20:14We're private.
20:15We're in here alone.
20:16I mean, there's nobody else in here but us.
20:18Jack, regretting your option.
20:20What?
20:21I mean, regarding your option.
20:22Yes, yes, yes.
20:23I must have a little time to think it over.
20:25But I can't understand why you're hesitating, Mr. Lewis.
20:29I mean, I don't know.
20:31Something tells me that you must have someone else in mind.
20:34And I don't know why you keep doing that to me.
20:38After all, I've been with the American Tobacco Company for a long time,
20:41and I'm not as young as I used to be.
20:45That's true.
20:46You were 39 when you joined us.
20:48That's right.
20:49And I've done a great job all these years, Mr. Lewis,
20:51for the American Tobacco Company.
20:53I don't know.
20:54I've worked hard.
20:55We've had wonderful shows.
20:57And I've sold a product.
20:59And twice, I let you exercise the tobacco-picking clause.
21:05We didn't exercise it.
21:06You held us to it.
21:08Well, I still can't understand why you do it.
21:12There's some reason why you're stalling.
21:14Jack, you're taking the wrong attitude.
21:17I haven't come to any decision about dropping your option.
21:20It's just that I want to think it over for a while,
21:24just for, say, four or five days.
21:28Well, all right.
21:31I'll wait.
21:40Four or five days.
21:41Yeah, that's right, Jack.
21:42Now, when can I get in touch with you?
21:44Just call your secretary.
21:45I'll be sitting in the outer office.
21:48Don't forget, now.
21:49Don't forget.
21:50Oh, did you take that the wrong way?
22:00Fred!
22:02Fred Allen, what are you doing in that closet?
22:05Believe it or not, I'm playing post office.
22:08Post office?
22:09Kiss me.
22:12Look, Mr. Lewis,
22:14there's something fishy going on here,
22:16and I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
22:18What's Fred Allen been telling you?
22:20Jack, there's no need to get excited.
22:22You know the entertainment business is very competitive.
22:25Oh, so it's competitive, huh?
22:28So that's it.
22:30Fred Allen, you ought to be ashamed of yourself,
22:34coming in here and trying to get my job away from me.
22:37Well, gee, Jack, I had to do something.
22:39I've eaten so much of that dog food,
22:41they've written a song about me being in a window.
22:47Well, I still say you ought to be ashamed.
22:49Well, I guess I am a heel, Jack.
22:52But always remember, next to a heel,
22:55you always find a good soul.
22:57And I'm quoting from that famous poet, Tom McCann.
23:05Fred, after that awful joke,
23:07I shouldn't forgive you, but I will,
23:09because I know you didn't mean it.
23:11Well, okay, Fred, now listen.
23:12Let's forget all about it.
23:13We'll go out and have a cup of coffee.
23:15Don't forget to send for me.
23:21I thought they'd never leave.
23:32Mr. Lewis, now that they've gone, let's talk business.
23:35What do you want with Fred Allen?
23:37What do you want with Jack Benny?
23:38With me, you've got a young man who can sing,
23:40who can dance, who clocks his hands, rolls his eyes,
23:43and I'm so friendly, Mr. Lewis, you'd never regret it.
23:59Well, Jack will be back in just a moment,
24:02but first, a word from Dorothy Collins.
24:09Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
24:11Naturally, we were only kidding about my sponsor
24:13not picking up my option, because I am signed
24:16with the American Tobacco Company until I am 40.
24:21They didn't know what they were getting into.
24:25Oh, Fred, Fred Allen, come on out here, will you, Fred?
24:32Fred, it's really been nice having you on the show,
24:35and you were wonderful.
24:36Well, Jack, you won't believe this,
24:37but I tried to louse the whole thing up.
24:39I believe it, I believe it.
24:41Now, Fred, let me ask you,
24:42is there any truth to that about eating the dog food?
24:44Oh, yes, three times a day I have it.
24:46Well, doesn't it upset your stomach?
24:48Well, no, it doesn't bother my stomach, Jack,
24:50but eating out of the bowl is hard on my knees.
24:57I see.
25:01Eddie, Eddie Tanner, come on up.
25:09Eddie, I want to tell you,
25:11it was just wonderful you to come in here
25:12just to do this one little bit on the show.
25:14Jack, I want to tell you it was my pleasure.
25:16No, no, no, no, Eddie, it was my pleasure.
25:18Believe me, Jack, it was my pleasure.
25:20Eddie, ladies and gentlemen,
25:22this shows you what happens
25:24when two straight men get together.
25:28What'd you say, Fido?
25:29What?
25:31Come on, give me my Red Hot,
25:33and let me get out of here.
25:35No, listen, I'll tell you what.
25:37You fellas have been such good sports.
25:39I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
25:40I'm going to invite you both to my house to dinner tonight,
25:42and I want you to bring your wives.
25:44Oh, that's nice.
25:45Jack, Jack, I've never been to your house.
25:47How do you get there?
25:48Oh, that's right.
25:49Well, look, you go two blocks.
25:51You're covering me.
25:52Oh, oh, pardon me.
25:53Oh.
25:59You go, Eddie, uh, Fred.
26:01You're Eddie.
26:02My name is Sam.
26:03No, this is Fred.
26:04This is Fido.
26:05Look at Fred.
26:06Look at him.
26:07Look at him.
26:08You go two, you want to know how to get to my house?
26:10Yeah.
26:11Now, you go two blocks to your right
26:12till you come to the California Bank.
26:14California Bank.
26:15Then you go four blocks to your left
26:17till you come to the Bank of America.
26:19Bank of America.
26:20Then seven more blocks to the right
26:21till you come to the Citizens National Bank.
26:23Citizens National Bank.
26:24You see?
26:25Then you keep going.