Not Rated | 30min | Comedy,TV Series | Episode aired 7 January 1964
Jack and his long-time best friend George Burns play golf, but Jack quickly storms back to his office, crying foul to his secretary. George strolls in next, smoking a victory cigar, causing Jack to flee again. So, George makes himself at home at Jack's desk, and relates to Jack's secretary Ms. Gordon, how he met Jack 40 years before, in a cheap Chicago rooming house.
Director: Norman Abbott
Writers: Sam Perrin, George Balzer, Al Gordon, Hal Goldman
Stars: Jack Benny, George Burns, Don Wilson
Jack and his long-time best friend George Burns play golf, but Jack quickly storms back to his office, crying foul to his secretary. George strolls in next, smoking a victory cigar, causing Jack to flee again. So, George makes himself at home at Jack's desk, and relates to Jack's secretary Ms. Gordon, how he met Jack 40 years before, in a cheap Chicago rooming house.
Director: Norman Abbott
Writers: Sam Perrin, George Balzer, Al Gordon, Hal Goldman
Stars: Jack Benny, George Burns, Don Wilson
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00From Hollywood, the Jack Benny Program, with Jack's special guest, George Burns.
00:21So long, Rochester. See you soon.
00:24Now, Jack...
00:26Jack!
00:28Jack, we've got to get on with rehearsal.
00:31Jack, what are you doing? We haven't finished rehearsal yet.
00:34I'm going to play golf. I got a date with George Burns.
00:37Jack, which is more important, your show or playing golf with George Burns?
00:42Playing golf with George Burns. That's more important.
00:45We've been friends for years. And you know, there's an old saying, you can't buy friendship.
00:50Well, that ought to make you happy.
00:52That'll make you happy.
00:55Let's see if I got everything here.
00:58Gloves, balls, tees.
01:02Let's see up there.
01:04A scorecard.
01:07There's a pencil, an eraser.
01:11Jack, look, I still say you got a lot of nerve leaving before we finish rehearsal.
01:15Look, I'm not going to let my pal George Burns down.
01:20Let's see, there are my woods, my iron, my putter.
01:24Oh, there's my shotgun.
01:27Shotgun?
01:28Yeah. The way I've been playing lately, you know, I run into some pretty big games.
01:34So long, now.
01:35See you afterwards.
01:41PHONE RINGS
01:45Hello, Jack Benny's office.
01:48Well, I'm sorry he isn't in just now. May I take a message?
01:51Oh, magazines.
01:54Well, no, he already subscribes to that one.
01:58He subscribes to that one, too.
02:01He also subscribes to that one.
02:04No, that one he sells.
02:07In fact, last month he won a bicycle.
02:13PHONE RINGS
02:17Hello, Jack Benny's office.
02:19Oh, hello, Mr. Zanuck.
02:21Well, he isn't here just now.
02:23No, he's out playing golf.
02:25And I'm afraid he won't be back for a couple of hours.
02:29Well, I'll tell him when he comes in.
02:31Goodbye.
02:37Well, Mr. Benny, you're back early.
02:40Darn right I'm back early.
02:42And it's the last time I ever play golf with George Burns.
02:46Well, I don't want to discuss it now.
02:48Were there any messages for me?
02:50Yes, and Mr. Zanuck called.
02:53Daryl Zanuck?
02:55Gee, what'd he want?
02:56He didn't get his magazine this month.
03:02He'll get it. He'll get it.
03:05I don't know why he's so impatient.
03:08Gee, the calendar girl this month is nothing.
03:14You certainly are in a bad mood.
03:16Well, it's that golf game of mine.
03:19But, Mr. Benny, golf is a sport.
03:21You're supposed to go out on the course for fun, relaxation.
03:25Not when you're playing for money.
03:28I can't get over that George Burns.
03:31He makes me so mad.
03:33Well, why don't you forget about your golf game?
03:35Maybe you'd feel better if you answered your fan mail.
03:38Okay.
03:40There's a letter here from a lady from Baltimore.
03:43She says, Dear Mr. Benny,
03:45I've admired you for many years
03:47and I would like an autographed picture of you.
03:49Please sign it blue eyes.
03:53All right, blue eyes.
03:55Love blue eyes.
03:58All right.
03:59Now, Mr. Benny, if you'll just sign these contracts.
04:02What about my fan mail?
04:04This was it.
04:09Well, that certainly made me feel good.
04:12Look, hold the contracts till tomorrow and then we'll go over them.
04:15All right.
04:17Four.
04:23George.
04:24Jay, you still mad?
04:25I wasn't mad.
04:28And what are you doing here?
04:29You forgot your golf club.
04:33Yes.
04:35All right, all right, so I was mad.
04:37Look, don't be so upset.
04:39You've lost before.
04:42I don't care about losing.
04:44It's just that you're such a poor sport.
04:47Look, Miss Gordon, you know what he did?
04:49Here we are on the third green.
04:51I swear, I'm this close to the hole.
04:54This close.
04:55And he wouldn't concede the putt.
04:58Anybody would have conceded that putt.
05:00All right, so I didn't concede the putt.
05:02So what?
05:03So it cost me four more strokes.
05:09I'll tell you something right to your face, George.
05:12You spoiled my whole day.
05:15Look, Jack, you're no pleasure to play with either.
05:17I was plenty embarrassed when you got into that big argument with the man on the other fairway about whose ball it was.
05:23It was my ball.
05:24He said it was his ball.
05:26I say that it was mine, and you had no reason to agree with him.
05:30I had to.
05:31Father Donovan is an honest man.
05:36All right, so I made a mistake.
05:39I mean, but you're getting so technical lately.
05:42I mean, on the fifth hole, you penalized me two strokes.
05:46You're not supposed to tee up the ball in the middle of the fairway.
05:52I didn't tee up the ball.
05:54Jack, that rubber mushroom that you carry around doesn't fool anybody.
06:00I don't know. I was never so insulted in all my life.
06:03Now, I'll tell you something, George.
06:04I'll never talk to you again as long as I live.
06:07Miss Gordon, I'll see you in the morning.
06:09If that's the way you feel, you can cancel my magazine.
06:13This has nothing to do with business.
06:21I knew that would bring him back.
06:23Oh, gosh, I've never seen him so mad.
06:25Yeah, he'll get over it.
06:27Oh, I guess you're right.
06:28You and Mr. Benny have been friends for so many years.
06:31We've been friends for over 40 years.
06:33Oh, I forgot, he tells everybody he's 39.
06:36I met him when he was 39.
06:39Look, tell me, Mr. Burns, I've always been curious.
06:42How did you first meet Mr. Benny?
06:44Well, that's many years ago.
06:46I was in Chicago, and my partner, Billy Lorraine, quit the act.
06:50And things were kind of rough.
06:52And I remember I just had enough money to stop in this little boarding house
06:55that catered to theatrical people.
07:12All right, it ain't the Waldorf, but then you ain't the Prince of Wales.
07:16I look more like the Prince of Wales than this looks like the Waldorf.
07:23Give me the rug.
07:25You missed it.
07:27What are you, a Weisenheimer?
07:31This is the closet.
07:34And this is the bed, you pull it down this way.
07:37What about a bath?
07:40I certainly would advise it.
07:43You ought to be a show business, you're funny.
07:49Well, do you want the room or don't you?
07:51I'll take it, how much is it?
07:53Three dollars a week in advance.
07:55In advance, why?
07:57Because the guy who had the room last time disappeared and didn't pay his rent.
08:00Okay, okay.
08:02What's that?
08:04Oh, that's the guy who lives next door.
08:08Three dollars?
08:10Two fifty.
08:14A dollar seventy-five.
08:16Okay, I'll give you a dollar seventy-five,
08:18but I want the cooking privileges like he's got.
08:20What makes you think he's got cooking privileges?
08:22Isn't he plucking a chicken?
08:25I see what you mean.
08:27Here's your money.
08:30Oh, incidentally, I have a very cute daughter and she wants to get into show business.
08:35All landladies have daughters that want to get into show business.
08:43I was going to change it, but it dried.
08:47She really is very...
08:49She's very attractive.
09:04She's right, this ain't the Waldorf.
09:07Use a little air.
09:16Sure build close in the city.
09:19In a clear day, you can see the cement between the bricks.
09:25Quiet!
09:29Quiet!
09:41Come in.
09:47Oh.
09:49Oh, are these your shoes?
09:51Yeah, thanks a lot, fella, for bringing them back.
09:53I really didn't mean to.
09:56These aren't my shoes.
09:59Well, you...
10:01You can't blame me for trying.
10:07Say, what happened to that other fella that used to live here,
10:11that had this room before, Mr. Thromberry?
10:13That's what the landlady said.
10:15That's what the landlady would like to know.
10:17She said he disappeared without paying his rent.
10:19Oh.
10:21Well, I, uh...
10:24Say, I've seen you on the stage.
10:28Aren't you George Burns?
10:30I'm not the Prince of Wales.
10:32I thought so.
10:35Gosh, you've got a nicer room than mine.
10:39It only looks that way because the towel is dry.
10:43Oh.
10:45Say, uh, I'm Jack Benny.
10:48I'm in show business, too, you know.
10:50Oh?
10:51Yes, I'm a musician.
10:53I guess you heard.
10:54I heard.
10:55What instrument do you play?
10:58I think everybody asks me that.
11:01Well, anyway, I'm sure glad you're going to be a neighbor of mine.
11:04Well, I'm sorry about throwing my shoes at you.
11:07I'm a little irritable today.
11:09You see, my partner, Billy Lorraine, quit the act,
11:11and we're supposed to open tomorrow night at the Bijou Burlesque Theater.
11:14And, uh, how would you like to be a burlesque?
11:18Burlesque?
11:19Yeah.
11:20Gee, if my father ever saw me do a fan dance,
11:23he'd beat the tar out of me.
11:26No, I mean comedy.
11:27My partner quit.
11:28Maybe you can take his place.
11:30Well, I don't know anything about comedy.
11:32You see, I just play the violin.
11:34Well, stick with me and I'll teach you.
11:36Gee, would you?
11:37Of course.
11:38We'll rehearse all day tomorrow.
11:39We'll open tomorrow night.
11:40Right now, I'd like to get some sleep.
11:41Will you help me pull down the bed?
11:42Oh, sure.
11:49There we are.
11:59Mr. Thromberry.
12:01Another half hour and I would have suffocated.
12:03I thought you were gone.
12:05Yeah, I will be in a minute.
12:07Listen, take my advice.
12:09You two sleep together.
12:11The spring in this bed is murder.
12:21Where have you been?
12:25Did you and Mr. Benny really do an act together?
12:28Oh, yes.
12:29Early the next morning, we got to work,
12:30and we rehearsed all day.
12:32And that night, we made our first appearance
12:34as a team at the Bijou Burlesque Theater.
12:40Make me lose those Yankee Doodles.
12:43You can have my one Yankee Doodle blues.
12:52What did you get from home?
12:54Well, I got a letter from my niece, Jean.
12:56Oh, how is she?
12:57Oh, she's fine.
12:58You know, she told me now that it's spring again.
13:00See, they're putting a little circus in the backyard
13:03like we used to do when we were kids.
13:05Oh?
13:06You see?
13:07And my uncle Otis, he was always the strong man, see?
13:11So he used to come out in a leopard skin
13:14and put some nails in his mouth
13:17and twist them around his teeth until they'd bend.
13:20That's quite a trick.
13:22Yeah, but he looked pretty ridiculous
13:24walking around with a lot of bent teeth.
13:30Well, they'd come in handy
13:32if he happened to get a crooked ear of corn.
13:34Yeah.
13:38And you know, my aunt Gertrude,
13:42she was a snake charmer.
13:44Gertrude? The one who's so nearsighted?
13:46Yeah, you see, she used to take a little snake
13:48and put it in a basket, see?
13:50And then blow on a flute
13:53until the snake's head came up.
13:55I see.
13:56And what do you think happened one Saturday?
13:58She put the flute in the basket and blew on the snake.
14:02No, no, no, George.
14:04It wasn't a real snake.
14:06It was just a few worms tied together.
14:08Oh, I see.
14:15We got the hook, but we had to stay in show business.
14:18We had a hundred cards printed, Burns and Benny.
14:20But we didn't give up.
14:22Two nights later, we did the act in Schenectady.
14:25Oh, it wasn't a real snake.
14:27It was just a few worms tied together.
14:32What was your part in the circus?
14:35I was a line tamer.
14:37You were a line tamer?
14:38Yeah, but I used to use our house cat.
14:40Oh?
14:41And I taught her all kinds of tricks.
14:43How to get up on a pedestal and roll over
14:45and play dead.
14:47That's a pretty smart cat.
14:49Yeah, but when it came in front of an audience,
14:51she forgot all her tricks
14:53and all she did was have kittens.
15:02After that, we had to lay off for a few days.
15:05Jack got a rash.
15:07Who knew he was allergic to tomatoes?
15:12But I still had faith in the act.
15:14I figured they'd love us in Altoona.
15:16And he'd twist them between his teeth until they bent.
15:19That's, uh, that's quite a trick.
15:21I know, but he looked pretty ridiculous
15:23walking around with a mouth full of bent teeth.
15:32We caught an early train for our next stop.
15:35Gloversville.
15:45That was quite a trick.
15:47Yeah, but he looked pretty ridiculous
15:49walking around with a mouth full of...
15:51What is this?
15:53What is this?
15:55What is this?
15:57What is this?
15:59What is this?
16:06We just want to finish our act.
16:08They didn't even wait for the punchline.
16:16We thought we figured out what was wrong with the act.
16:18We were much too sophisticated.
16:20But we changed that when we opened in Ronkonkoma.
16:23You say your Uncle Otis was a strong man?
16:30You say your Uncle Otis was a strong man?
16:32Yeah, he used to come out in a leopard skin
16:34and put some big nails in his mouth
16:36and twisted them in his teeth until they bent.
16:38That's quite a trick.
16:40Yeah, but he looked ridiculous walking around
16:42with a mouth full of bent teeth.
16:45Oh, no!
16:58Three months later, downhearted,
17:00we arrived back in Chicago.
17:08All right, I know it ain't the Waldorf,
17:10but then again, you ain't Calvin Coolidge.
17:13Maybe the landlady had sense enough to change her act.
17:18Oh, incidentally,
17:20since you went away, my daughter's been studying
17:22and she's gotten real good.
17:24Maybe you could get her into show business.
17:26I'll talk to you about that later.
17:28Now, what was the rate again?
17:29Three dollars for a single.
17:31There you are.
17:33No company in the rooms.
17:35And if you're going to have company,
17:36you've got to keep this door open.
17:37And don't forget to turn off all the lights.
17:39And I don't want any rattling on the radiators
17:42I've got nice people living here.
17:43Goodbye.
17:58This is the silliest thing I've ever heard.
18:01Stop complaining.
18:02We take turns, don't we?
18:04I know, but when you were in the trunk,
18:06they didn't throw it off the top of the bus.
18:11Jack, I'm too tired to argue with you.
18:13I'd like to take a little sleep
18:14before we go to the theater.
18:16Will you help me pull down the bed?
18:17Yes.
18:31Thank heaven somebody came.
18:33Ah!
18:42Where in the world have you been?
18:47Jack, while I'm taking a nap,
18:49you better rehearse the act.
18:50This is very important tonight.
18:52We're getting $35.
18:5420 for me and 15 for you.
18:56Now, wait a minute, George.
18:57There's something I want to talk to you about.
18:59I'm just as good at the act as you are now,
19:02and we're going to split it right down the middle.
19:04Well, that's gratitude for you.
19:06I take you from nowhere.
19:07Put you into a great act,
19:08now you want to split the money.
19:10Well, that's the only way I'll go on.
19:13I got news for you.
19:14I don't need you.
19:15Oh, yes, you do.
19:16Oh, no, I don't.
19:17I can do this act with anybody.
19:19I can even do it with the landlady's daughter
19:21and get as many laughs.
19:22Oh, yeah, that I'd like to see.
19:23All right, you will.
19:27Mrs. Landlady.
19:30The landlady's daughter.
19:32He'll be begging me to come back.
19:35When he does, I'm going to get more than half.
19:37Believe me.
19:41Oh!
19:49Where's George Burns?
19:50He's on stage there working with a girl.
19:52With a girl, eh?
19:54Must be some act.
19:55The landlady's daughter.
19:59This I gotta see.
20:00You mean to say your uncle put nails between his teeth
20:03and twisted them until they bend?
20:05That's quite a trick.
20:07Yeah, but he looked pretty ridiculous
20:08walking around with all those bent teeth.
20:12Well, Gracie.
20:15They'd come in handy
20:16if he happened to get a crooked ear of corn.
20:18Gracie.
20:19Gracie.
20:20What a name.
20:21Oh, well, you'll live and learn.
20:23And then there was my aunt Gertrude.
20:25She was the snake charmer.
20:27Gertrude?
20:28I did that same joke.
20:29The one who was from Nearside?
20:30Uh-huh.
20:31She had a little snake
20:32and she was supposed to put it in the basket
20:34and then blow on a flute
20:37until the snake stuck its head in.
20:38That's my joke.
20:39The same joke I did with her.
20:41And I was even dressed funny.
20:43Put the flute in the basket and blew on the snake.
20:45Wasn't it awful?
20:48Well, I'll bet it upset her.
20:50Well, no.
20:51Well, it wasn't a real snake.
20:53It was just a few little worms tied together.
20:58Well, that's really better.
21:00Who else was in the sideshow?
21:02Well, the big hit was my Aunt Clara and Uncle Harvey.
21:06What kind of an act did they do?
21:08Half-master.
21:17If you know of anybody who wants to take violin lessons,
21:20here's my card.
21:25We'll be back with the special guest George Burns
21:27in just a moment.
21:28But first...
21:37Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
21:39I hope you all enjoyed the show.
21:41Now, whether you believe this story or not,
21:46I'm sure that most of you know
21:48that George Burns and I have been friends
21:51for many, many years.
21:53As a matter of fact, he's the closest friend
21:55that I have in the whole world.
21:58But you've probably also heard
22:01about the awful things that he does to me.
22:04He can think up some of the dirtiest tricks to do to me.
22:09I could tell you a hundred of them,
22:11but I must tell you one that he did
22:14only a couple of weeks ago.
22:16You won't believe this, but it's a true story.
22:18I hadn't seen him.
22:20I hadn't seen George in about three months.
22:22He was out on tour with a show.
22:24And I missed him, you know.
22:26Well, anyway, he got back in town,
22:28hadn't called me yet,
22:29and I was walking down Sunset Boulevard
22:31and suddenly I see him driving down in his car.
22:34And he saw me.
22:35So he pulled over the curb across the street, you see,
22:39and he waved for me to come over.
22:41Well, I couldn't wait to see him.
22:43And I dashed across the street
22:45through all the traffic and everything,
22:47and as soon as I got to his car,
22:50he rolled up the window and drove away.
22:56I'm going to show you what kind of a sap I am.
22:59That's the third time he's done that to me.
23:05George, come on out here, will ya?
23:11Now, George, tell me,
23:12did you enjoy being on the show?
23:14No.
23:19Why not? You got a lot of laughs.
23:21I'm not interested in laughs, Jack.
23:22I like to sing.
23:25But this is a comedy show.
23:27It doesn't interest me, Jack.
23:28I love to sing.
23:31Well, George, look it,
23:32as a comedian on my show,
23:34I'm certainly willing to pay you.
23:36But if you want to sing,
23:38you get nothing.
23:50Good night, folks.
23:51Good night, George.
23:52George, good night.
23:54Good night, George.
23:55Good night, folks.
23:56I'll be seeing you soon.
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