Not Rated | 30min | Comedy,TV Series | Episode aired 16 April 1965
The Smother Brothers confound every attempt by Jack to force them into his straitjacket comedy formula while performing his theme song, but even scarier to Jack is when he's pinned under an unexploded bomb in a World War II London air raid. The UXB squad turns out to be the Smothers. Tom can't remember which wire to pull, while Dick uses the opportunity of Jack being immobilized to lock in an appearance on Jack's final program.
Director: Norman Abbott
Writers: George Balzer, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon, Sam Perrin
Stars: Jack Benny, Don Wilson, Dick Smothers
The Smother Brothers confound every attempt by Jack to force them into his straitjacket comedy formula while performing his theme song, but even scarier to Jack is when he's pinned under an unexploded bomb in a World War II London air raid. The UXB squad turns out to be the Smothers. Tom can't remember which wire to pull, while Dick uses the opportunity of Jack being immobilized to lock in an appearance on Jack's final program.
Director: Norman Abbott
Writers: George Balzer, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon, Sam Perrin
Stars: Jack Benny, Don Wilson, Dick Smothers
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00From Hollywood, the Jack Benny Program, with his special guest, the Smothers Brothers.
00:48Yeah, well, if it's the trees, it can't be the breeze.
00:53And I said, oh, no, it isn't the breeze, so that, so how, I'm awful right.
01:03You are right.
01:04But just forget, just forget everything I've told you.
01:06Just say, can it be the trees that fill the breeze, please?
01:12Okay.
01:13Can it be the, what?
01:15Trees.
01:16Can it be the trees that fill the breeze, please?
01:21There you go.
01:22I didn't, that's stupid.
01:23How can it be the trees that fill the breeze?
01:25Okay.
01:26Okay.
01:27Okay.
01:28Of course, ladies and gentlemen, you know those are the Smothers Brothers.
01:50You know, the reason, the reason I had them out here at the opening is I thought for a
01:58change it would be kind of nice to have someone else do my theme song instead of that orchestra
02:05of mine.
02:06See, it's not that I have anything against my musicians, but when the brass section blows
02:12through their instruments and those fumes fill the breeze, believe me, it's a rare but
02:19not magic perfume.
02:21Normally, having trouble like that at the opening of a show would upset me, but not
02:31anymore.
02:32I feel that these things really aren't too important.
02:36You know, I found out that the only important thing in life is your health.
02:41Yes, sir, that's, that's the important thing.
02:45Unfortunately, I don't get sick very often because I keep myself in real good condition,
02:50you know, physical condition.
02:52And the way I do that is by getting plenty of exercise.
02:55Every morning, I used to get up at 7 o'clock and turn on my TV set and do all those exercises
03:02they show you on television.
03:04But after about eight weeks, I had to stop.
03:07You see, I found out that those exercises were for women and my whole shape was changing.
03:21As a matter of fact, I didn't notice it myself until one day I, well, I better save that
03:28for the Johnny Carson show.
03:31And now, ladies and gentlemen, getting on with the show, I'd like to bring on my guest,
03:37two very fine entertainers, the Smothers Brothers.
04:11The only song I ever did sing is pull the cabbage down.
04:14Pull the cabbage down.
04:16Boys heard that old kick round.
04:18The only song I ever did sing is pull the cabbage down.
04:21Take it, Tom.
04:22No.
04:25I said no, I didn't want to take it.
04:27You're supposed to take it.
04:28Aren't you a folk singer?
04:30Yes, but I, but I said no because I didn't want to take it.
04:32Wait a minute, you're a folk singer.
04:33Have you read the folk singer's guidebook?
04:36Yeah, but I didn't want to.
04:38And what does the guidebook say?
04:40It says all folk singers are obligated to do what?
04:46You're obligated to take it.
04:50Without hesitation, without thinking, like a reflex, Tommy.
04:55Take it, Tom, boom, boom, boom.
04:57When I say take it, hop to it.
05:02Pull the cabbage down.
05:04Take it, Tom.
05:05Boom, boom, boom.
05:10Hundreds of years ago, the railroad started in America.
05:14Rugged men of yesteryear went out in the wilderness
05:17with vision in their eyes and big nine pound hammers in their hands.
05:21Went out in the wilderness to build the great spider web of steel rails,
05:25the transcontinental railroad to span our country
05:28as these men went out in the wilderness and toiled
05:30and inched their way across the vast bosom of America.
05:35I thought I'd throw a little sex in the show.
05:41But this wasn't just a fun job.
05:44There was dangers in this job as they built the railroads
05:47up the mountains and down the mountains
05:49and across the deserts and over raging rivers
05:55and they had to span crevices, deep crevices in the ground
05:59and in the bottom of the crevices there was sand.
06:03Across the crevices there was pumice.
06:07Pumice with claws and foam coming out of these pumice mouths
06:10and the railroad men, they're going,
06:12look at those pumice down there.
06:15I'm not going to build any more.
06:17Across the crevices, there's pumice in the crevices.
06:21There were no pumice in the crevices because we don't have pumice here.
06:24There are no pumice in America.
06:27Well, maybe some came over to visit.
06:33They don't visit.
06:35Now, if you want to keep your story truthful,
06:37you get rid of the pumice right now.
06:39Why not go down that crevice?
06:45There was these vicious beasts in these deep crevices
06:49and these railroad men said,
06:51well, look at those vicious beasts down there.
06:54They said, well, look at those vicious beasts in the crevices.
06:58They look like pumice.
07:03But they weren't.
07:06And they were so afraid.
07:08Yet the railroads were completed.
07:10Yet the Transcontinental Railroads were completed
07:12and a big feast was transpired for these rugged railroad men
07:16and the sole substance for this big feast for these railroad men,
07:20the sole substance was hot cakes boiled in cabbage juice.
07:26It's not so popular now.
07:29So they had to sing about something else.
07:33Bought myself a bicycle, I learned to ride it well.
07:37Crashed into a telephone pole and broke it all in pieces.
07:40The only song I ever did sing was a bowl of cabbage dill.
07:44The only song I ever did sing was a bowl of cabbage dill.
07:48Oh, working on the railroad, working all day long.
07:52Take it.
07:57You didn't...
07:58Have you ever read the folk singer's manual?
08:00It says when someone says to take it, you're supposed to take it.
08:03I said to take it and you didn't take it.
08:05I'm sorry.
08:06I'm very sorry. Really, I'm sorry.
08:10Don't get belligerent, you didn't take it.
08:13I said I'm sorry, that's all I can say. I'm sorry.
08:17That's okay then, don't make any more mistakes.
08:21Working on the railroad, working all day long.
08:24Take it.
08:25Working, working, working, working, working, working, working.
08:28Boil that cabbage down, boy.
08:31Turn that old cake around.
08:32The only song I ever did sing was a bowl of cabbage.
08:35Boil that cabbage down, boy.
08:37Turn that old cake around.
08:39The only song I ever did sing was boil that cabbage down.
08:45Boil, boil, boil, boil, boil, boil, boil, boil it down.
09:07You know, Paula, that was very, very good.
09:10You know, you boys have been quite successful the last few years.
09:14Must make you very happy, huh?
09:16Well, it makes us happy, but it really makes our family very happy.
09:19Especially our little old grandmother.
09:21Oh, your grandmother, huh?
09:23Yeah, we have a little old grandmother.
09:25And she lives up in Barney Gulch, a little town in Northern California.
09:29And since things have been going well, nobody ever hardly knew her.
09:33But now they refer to her as Smothers Brother's Mother's Mother.
09:37Smothers Brother's Mother.
09:44No.
09:47Yes, she has a mailbox this long.
09:49Oh.
09:51Well, Paula, tell me, tell me something about yourself.
09:53Where did you, where did you go to school?
09:56Well, we went to high school down here in Redondo Beach, California.
09:59And then we both went to college.
10:01Oh, you went to college, both of you.
10:03What did you study?
10:04I was studying a business administration, and Tommy was studying medicine.
10:16He looks like a puma to me.
10:23Tommy, you were studying medicine?
10:25Yeah, I was going to be a brain surgeon.
10:32A brain surgeon?
10:34Yeah, I couldn't be a puma. There's no puma.
10:43You studied to be a brain surgeon?
10:46Yeah, but I decided against it.
10:49I mean, you know, I was 18 years old and my mother still was cutting my meat for me.
10:58Well, I can see where that might lessen your confidence.
11:03I was pretty good with a fork, but a knife, I was lousy.
11:10Well, tell me, how did you...
11:13How did you kids happen to get in the show business?
11:16You know, we were watching television, a program, and there was this guy that came out and he just, he didn't do anything.
11:22He just kind of stood around and he stared at the audience.
11:25Tommy, Tommy.
11:26He did too. He just went out and he stood out there and he kind of stared at the audience. He didn't do anything.
11:31Well, the way I figured, if he could go out there and stand around and do nothing, I guess I figured we could maybe do something.
11:36Tommy.
11:54Gee, he looked a lot younger on television.
11:58He doesn't know what we're talking about.
12:01You too.
12:02And that was years ago.
12:04Anyway, I'm glad I was responsible for you going into show business.
12:09Now, I know you're going to do another number, so what's it going to be?
12:13How does he know we're going to do another number?
12:16When he pays, he knows.
12:19Gee, well, he better pay us plenty because brain surgeons don't work cheap.
12:26I know, I know.
12:27Now, just do your number.
12:36We'd like to do a song of a young man who just lost his sweetheart.
12:40He's feeling very sorry for himself.
12:42It's entitled, I Never Will Marry.
12:45Some say that love is a gentle thing
12:52But it only has caused me pain
12:59For the only girl I ever did love
13:06Gone on that midnight train
13:11I never will marry
13:18I'll take me no why
13:24I expect to live single
13:32All of my life
13:42When I was very young,
13:44I remember there was a little girl that lived down the street from me.
13:48And we always used to say that when we grew up, we'd be married.
13:51And it was sort of a childish thing in a puppy love.
13:55Yet as years went by, this puppy love grew into something very dear and very precious to me.
14:01You know, they tell us that love is a gentle thing.
14:05But I think each person here
14:08who has truly loved and been loved
14:11has shed a tear and experienced heartache.
14:16And the girl I learned to love so very much
14:20broke my heart and left me for another man.
14:25Yet I love her still.
14:27And I swear by all the stars in the skies that as long as I live,
14:31I never will marry
14:33unless I can marry her.
14:37I'll mess around a little bit though, you know.
14:50I'll mess around a little bit though, you know.
15:01You know, there's something about those boys that's very familiar.
15:06They remind me of a couple of fellas I met when I was in London in 1944.
15:12It was during the war and I was over in Europe entertaining the servicemen.
15:16And while I was there, I also did a few shows at the London Palladium.
15:22Well, one night, the enemy planes came over
15:25and put on one of the most devastating air raids of the entire war.
15:30I'll never forget it.
15:32I had finished my show at the theater and I was walking back to my hotel.
15:37When the sirens started to wail,
15:40the bombs dropped,
15:42and the searchlights were criss-crossing the sky.
15:48By Jove, they gave us a bit of what for tonight.
15:51Not half. This one's even worse than the other one.
15:59You hear something?
16:00Cool another duck.
16:02Sounds like we've got a real-life bomber out here.
16:04Blimey, that's a big one.
16:07Why don't we all go and get the bomb defusing squad.
16:11There's a bloke under here.
16:13Hurry!
16:31What are you doing there?
16:33What am I doing?
16:35I try to catch this for a souvenir.
16:38What am I doing?
16:40He's an edgy one, isn't he?
16:42American, you know.
16:47Hey, pull this off of me, will you please?
16:49Hold it!
16:53Can you hear it ticking?
16:55The slightest little jolt will sell the whole thing off.
16:59You mean...
17:00Let me put it this way, doctor.
17:02If you sneeze, you'll never hear the Gesundheit.
17:08All right, clear the area!
17:10Clear the area!
17:11Everybody out!
17:12Clear the area!
17:21Hey, clear the area!
17:22He said everybody clear the area!
17:26For heaven's sake, can't you see I'm trapped under here?
17:30For heaven's sake, can't you see he's trapped under there?
17:37Get started! Take this thing off.
17:39Tommy, go ahead and get started.
17:41Not until he closes his eyes.
17:44Why should I close my eyes?
17:46I don't like anybody looking over my shoulder while I'm working.
17:51If I make a little mistake, you'll go blabbing it around to everybody.
17:56If you make a mistake, I won't tell anybody, believe me.
18:01Not even the guy who picks up my lips.
18:08Okay, in that case, you can watch.
18:11Oh, thank you.
18:13Now, first, we've got to locate the exact area of the mechanism.
18:17First, we've got to locate the exact area of the mechanism.
18:20Yeah, I heard him.
18:21All right, Tommy, you get looking on that end, I'll look on this end.
18:26It's getting louder.
18:28It's getting louder.
18:33That sounds hollow.
18:37It's alarming.
18:40Shh, it's talking to me.
18:42Talking to me?
18:43Hey, the bomb's talking to me. It even knows my name. It said Tommy.
18:48I never knew a bomb before.
18:51I never bought one.
18:52Really, Bill, please!
18:55Now, let's get this cover off.
19:04Look at this clock.
19:07What a beautiful mechanism.
19:10That's an XK-41. That's a Swiss movement.
19:14No, no, the XK-41 happens to be a German movement.
19:18It's a Swiss movement.
19:19It's a German movement. The XK-41's German.
19:21It's a Swiss movement.
19:22It is not.
19:23Who cares?
19:25Stop talking and work.
19:28There's always the fellas who are just lying around there that keep rushing.
19:32Why wouldn't I rush you? I don't even think you fellas know what you're doing.
19:37Will you two, I just defused a bomb. Just a little while ago, right over there.
19:47I must have been over there.
19:51Tommy, I thought you said you defused that bomb.
19:55I did what I always do.
19:58I detached the white wire from the blue wire.
20:01It's supposed to be the green wire from the blue wire.
20:05I thought it was the white wire.
20:07No, no. It's always been the green wire from the blue wire.
20:11Well, just a little mistake.
20:13I mean, everybody makes a mistake.
20:16You know, nobody's perfect.
20:18Gee, if everybody was perfect, if you were perfect, and if you were perfect, and I was perfect,
20:23what kind of world would this be? This would be some world, believe me.
20:26Look, if I want philosophy, I should listen to Bertrand Russell.
20:31Or Jack Parr.
20:34Now get back to work, will you?
20:36Okay.
20:38Well, according to this clock, we've got about two minutes before the bomb goes off.
20:43So we'd better hurry.
20:44Yeah, I'll get behind this cogwheel here, and I'll detach this wire right there.
20:50Hey, Tommy, I just noticed something.
20:52Do you know who this is?
20:54No, who?
20:55That's Jack Benny.
20:58You mean the guy that's playing at the Palladium?
21:00Yeah, it's Jack Benny.
21:03Are you really?
21:07Yes, yes, I'm Jack Benny.
21:09Hey, nice to meet you. Don't get up.
21:14Hey, Tommy, go to the truck and get the guitar.
21:16Yeah.
21:17Guitar?
21:18We want to get into show business, Mr. Benny, and we'd sure like to do a number for you.
21:22But there's no time. You said yourself there's only two minutes left on the bomb.
21:26Great. Tommy, let's do that special song we've been working on.
21:29Yeah, that's a...
21:32We've only got two minutes.
21:34That's all right. The song takes a minute.
21:37That's kind of a funny number.
21:39If you feel like laughing, go right ahead.
21:41No.
21:43Look at boys.
21:44What tempo?
21:48Jimmy crack corn, I don't care.
21:50No.
21:51Jimmy crack corn, I don't care.
21:53Jimmy crack corn, I don't care.
21:55That's not the way it goes.
21:56I don't care.
21:59How'd you like that one?
22:00Fine, fine.
22:02How about an encore?
22:03Never mind the encore. We've only got a few seconds left.
22:06You didn't get it. Let's do it again.
22:09Bella! Bella!
22:11Bella!
22:22Bella!
22:36Fellas.
22:37Fellas, I'm sorry.
22:39If I told my producer once, I told him a thousand times.
22:44When we do a sketch, don't use a real bomb.
22:59Hey, Dickie, you know, I can just see it in tomorrow's headlines in the papers.
23:03Benny's Bomb Smothers Brothers.
23:08Yeah.
23:10That will be back in just a minute with your special guest, the Smothers Brothers.
23:22Thanks, boys.
23:24Thanks very much for being on the show.
23:26You know, this is one of the dirtiest shows I've ever been on.
23:39Ladies and gentlemen, well, that's the show.
23:42Good night, folks, and I'll be seeing you soon.
23:51Good night.
24:21Good night.
24:51Good night.