King Of The Hill Season 2 Episode 5 Jumpin' Crack Bass
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00:00 [Music]
00:03 [Music]
00:07 [Music]
00:11 [Music]
00:15 [Music]
00:19 [Music]
00:23 [Music]
00:28 [Music]
00:31 [Music]
00:35 [Music]
00:39 Oh, I'm cold. Why don't we just buy the worms at a bait shop?
00:46 Bait shop worms are factory farm worms. They keep them in little cages their whole lives.
00:53 They never get to run around free. It's sad, really. And the fish know the difference.
00:58 Why don't you just buy the fish?
01:01 Bobby, you're missing the point. We don't fish for the fish.
01:07 90% of what I like about this sport, and it is a sport, is sitting in the boat for five hours doing nothing.
01:16 And the icing on the cake is when God smiles on you and you hook one.
01:22 And when you're reeling it in, everything else falls away.
01:25 You don't think about taxes or traffic or that pushy gal that's trying to get into the Citadel
01:32 or who's going to take care of you when your mother and I are old and incapacitated.
01:37 All there is is a man, a rod, a lake, and a fish.
01:42 And it all starts with a hand-dug American worm.
01:46 Uh, Dad, who is going to take care of me?
01:52 What the hell?
01:54 Somebody's trying to steal my truck.
01:57 Hey, hey, get out of there!
01:59 Hey, let me go, man.
02:01 You ain't going nowhere. I'm placing you under citizen's arrest.
02:05 You can't do that.
02:07 The hell I can't.
02:09 The hell you can't.
02:11 Language, Bobby. As an American citizen, I have the authority to detain you until an officer of the peace arrives.
02:17 And I also have the authority to kick your ass, which is something that your father obviously forgot to do.
02:23 Billory Walters, you've entered a plea of guilty.
02:27 Have your rights been explained to you?
02:29 Rights? This better not be one of them Carter appointee judges.
02:34 No, that's Judge Roland Barlin. He was in the paper for his creative sentencing.
02:39 Oh, great.
02:41 Before I sentence you, I want to express the court's appreciation to Mr. Hank Hill.
02:46 Quiet, Peggy.
02:47 Who apprehended you at great risk to his own person.
02:50 Hank's lucky he didn't get killed. I hope they lock that thief up and throw away the key.
02:56 That thief is my boyfriend.
02:59 Boyfriend?
03:01 Okay, hot wire. Here's what we're going to do.
03:04 You like trucks so much, for the next three months I'm sentencing you to live in a truck.
03:08 What the?
03:10 If I send you to prison, they're just going to teach you how to be a better truck thief.
03:14 You'll spend the next 90 days in a cab of a pickup. An import.
03:17 Finally, a judge with some common sense.
03:24 Uh, Hill?
03:26 Yeah, Hank Hill. You were holding my truck for evidence.
03:30 Here's a picture of her, if it'll help.
03:33 Oh, yes, here it is. Space G-26.
03:37 What the? Oh, my God. What did you do to my truck?
03:43 Let's see. The thief was inside your vehicle, so under the law, we had to check for drugs.
03:48 He was in my front seat. He didn't hide any drugs in my spark plugs.
03:52 Well, we know that now, Mr. Hill.
03:55 If I don't get out on the lake, my head is going to pop a gasket.
04:03 Honey, please, calm down. If you have a stroke, who will help me take care of Bobby?
04:10 Uncle Hank, I got the 92 Ford truck schematic, and I've lined up all the parts.
04:15 Dad, what are you looking for? Are you looking for chicken? It's right here. Chicken.
04:20 I'm looking for my dang fishing shears.
04:23 Hank, relax. Here, Nancy gave me some ginseng tea. She got it from John Red Corner.
04:29 Ginseng? I don't need to get all hopped up on dope.
04:33 I get stressed out at the beauty school sometimes. You know, with all the combing and politics.
04:39 And I just do yoga. I could put my feet up behind my head. Want me to show you?
04:43 Oh, no! Keep your legs below your waist, for God's sakes.
04:48 Look, all I need to do is get out on the lake and fish.
04:53 [Guitar music]
04:55 [Grunts]
04:57 [Guitar music]
05:03 [Tires screeching]
05:06 [Sigh]
05:08 Listen to that silence. You ever hear anything so quiet?
05:14 Hey, Boom Hour, trade you one of my garlic-scented lures for one of your electric ones.
05:21 Why don't you guys call that stuff by its real name? Cheater bait.
05:26 You and your worms were fishing in the past, Hank. In the days of black and white televisions and a democratically elected Congress.
05:35 [Guitar music]
05:39 Got one, man. Woo! That's a big old man. Look at him with that damn nice teeth on there, man.
05:44 Looks like a dang old Taco Grande, man, with them dang old...
05:49 Oh! Dang, Boom Hour, she's a beauty.
05:52 Say cheese to meet ya.
05:55 [Chuckles]
05:57 Okay, catch and release. Time to throw her back.
06:01 All right, fella, there you go. Tell your friends plenty more where that came from.
06:07 Oh, yeah! Oh, check it out.
06:17 Hank calls it cheater bait, but I call it scrumdilly garlic-icious. Ow! And great.
06:26 [Guitar music]
06:36 Hey, Hank, maybe you should be taking the pictures. Give you something to do.
06:43 You guys may be catching fish, but I'm the only one fishing. God's way with the worm.
06:48 You know what I just realized? Hank hasn't caught fish.
06:53 You looking to go for a swim, Bill?
06:56 No. You know what else I just realized? This is the first time any of us has caught more fish than Hank.
07:03 Come on, Bill. Don't rub his nose in it.
07:06 Oh! We can go, man! I am the greatest!
07:09 [Chuckles]
07:12 [Guitar music]
07:15 So, we're all meeting at the pharmacy to get aloe vera for Bill's back?
07:24 Uh, maybe I'll meet you guys later. I'm going down to the bait shop, buy some new, uh, hooks.
07:35 [Guitar music]
07:41 Dang, Ray! What happened? Did I miss one of your "Ray's Gone Trout of His Mind" sales?
07:47 I'm going trout of business, Hank. I can't compete with the megalomart.
07:52 I hate that megalomart. People go there just to save a nickel, end up putting half Arlen out of business.
07:58 Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, anyway, what brings you in? New rod, new reel, what?
08:03 Actually, I was, uh, thinking of trying one of them scented lures. Maybe vanilla.
08:08 You've given up the worm, Hank?
08:12 She let me down, Ray. I reeled in empty today.
08:15 Well, how about some, uh, fluorescent salmon eggs or some marshmallow bait or some, uh, blood dough balls?
08:22 I tried those before. They don't beat the worm.
08:25 Hey, I know. You ever hear of a guy named Jack?
08:31 Well, I went to high school with a fellow named...
08:33 No, no, no. This guy never went to school. He grew up in the hills, but he wrote the book on homemade bait.
08:39 Of course, just a bunch of scribbles 'cause he never went to school.
08:42 Hmm. Where's his shop?
08:44 Oh, he don't have a shop, Hank. See, he sells his stuff out of his truck, corner 6th and Woodmont.
08:50 Well, thanks, Ray. I'll come by tomorrow and pick up your propane tank.
08:55 Uh-huh, uh-huh. Why don't you call first?
09:00 [car engine starts]
09:02 [car engine revs]
09:04 [car engine starts]
09:06 [tires screech]
09:08 [crashing]
09:11 [music]
09:23 Hey, G. What do you want? What do you need? I can buy.
09:28 Gee, I am looking to buy. Uh, are you Jack?
09:32 I got you, Jack. Right here, Jack.
09:34 Well, as I was telling Ray, Jack, I've been thinking about trying something new.
09:40 What do you mean?
09:42 Well, I've always been a worm man, but Ray was telling me about your bait and...
09:47 Bait. You call it bait. I like that. What are you looking to spend?
09:51 Uh, well, I got 20.
09:54 20 gets you all the bait you need, Jack. Rock on.
09:57 [music]
10:00 Huh. Freshness jars. Sure don't get that at Megalo, Mark.
10:05 [music]
10:14 [music]
10:20 Come on, Hank Fisher. Get off the pot.
10:23 Uh, just a second.
10:26 [birds chirping]
10:28 How the heck does Jack fish with this stuff?
10:32 [grunts]
10:34 [water splashing]
10:36 I like beer, Hank. Don't you like beer? I mean, I love beer. Beer is...
10:42 Whoa! Got one! Boom! Yeah!
10:45 Sweet Gene Vincent, I'm back.
10:48 Dang, man. That was quick, man. You're about to talk to a man.
10:52 A mannequin fishing magician, man.
10:55 All right there, redhead. Back you go.
10:57 Oh, looks like they're hungry for worms today. Pass me one, will ya, Hank?
11:02 Uh, what's the matter? Batteries go dead on your electric spinner?
11:07 Whoa, Hank. What you got there? Blood dough balls?
11:11 Dale, Hank only fishes with worms. Why, anything else would be cheating.
11:16 Well, well, well. Looks like our friend is a hippie crit.
11:22 Now hold on there. This is, uh, natural bait. Homemade in the USA.
11:27 Look, Hank, you can offer all the denials and rationalizations you want, but the bottom line is still the same.
11:34 You wanna try that bait?
11:36 Yeah, man. Give us some bait.
11:38 All right, ease off. A little chunk will do ya.
11:41 [music]
11:50 [shouting]
11:56 Well, now that is the dangest thing. This is the same fish I just threw back.
12:02 Come on, darling. Time to get wet.
12:05 Come on now. Off my hook.
12:09 Go on now. Get. Uh, vamanos.
12:16 [splash]
12:20 [splash]
12:22 [shouting]
12:24 Oh, man. Now I have to reapply my sunscreen.
12:29 [music]
12:46 I tell you what, I caught more fish today than I did in the '80s.
12:51 And those were the Reagan years.
13:14 Somebody call Ripley, 'cause he's the only one who's gonna believe how many fish I caught this morning.
13:20 Is that where you've been? Oh, good Lord, Hank, the sun just came up.
13:25 No, it didn't. It rose at 4.57 a.m., exactly one hour after I landed two 10-pound bucket mouths on a single hook.
13:34 I tell ya, it's like they were fighting over that piece of Jack's Miracle Bait.
13:40 What do you buy and bait for, Dad? Remember you said it all starts with a hand-dug American worm?
13:47 Uh, no. I mean, yes, that's how it starts. But a lot of things end up different from where they start.
13:55 Like, remember that time I started building you a clubhouse and I ended up with a new tool shed?
14:01 Uh, so, Luan, how's my truck?
14:06 Um, bad news, Uncle Hank. I had to order a new fuel pump. I figured it was urgent, so I asked him to upset.
14:13 Good thing I just got back from fishing, or that would bother me. Hmm, it's kind of starting to bother me.
14:21 Yep, I'm bothered. I better get on the lake.
14:25 I tell ya, Hank, I can't wait to try some more of your new bait.
14:33 Well, I wish I could help you, but I only have a little bit left.
14:36 Oh, that's all right. Always takes a little bit to catch the hogs with that stuff.
14:41 Yeah, yeah, it's too bad I'm all out.
14:44 You just said you had a little left.
14:47 That's right, and then I used it up.
14:50 Don't lie to us, friend, 'cause when you lie, you make an ass out of you and me.
14:55 Yeah, Hank, man, don't be bogarting that dang old bait.
14:59 Uh, anyway, I just remembered I promised Bobby I'd take him fishing, just the two of us. See ya.
15:05 Why, take a stick of that gum.
15:22 [Groaning]
15:30 I'm tired. When's the part when we get to sit around for five hours doing nothing?
15:36 Heh, heh. That's a good one, son.
15:39 Wake up, Hank. We're being burgled.
15:46 [Groaning]
15:49 [Grunting]
15:50 You go check on Bobby. I'll see what's going on.
15:53 Mm-hmm. We'll just see how much of that bait he has left.
16:00 You! Drop that tackle box!
16:02 Ah! It's okay, Hank. It's me, Dale Gribble.
16:05 I said drop the box!
16:08 [Grunting]
16:10 Well, my termite inspection is concluded. Congratulations, you passed.
16:16 [Grunting]
16:20 Can I have some more butter for my pancakes?
16:23 That's it. I'm going fishing.
16:25 [Sigh]
16:42 Come on. Come on. Take the bait. You know you want it.
16:46 Where are you going? This ain't a worm. This is the good stuff.
16:54 Oh, man. The wonder bait. For me?
17:00 Wait a minute. What's wrong with it?
17:02 It doesn't work anymore. The fish won't touch the stuff.
17:06 They spit it out like poison. I don't get it.
17:10 I get it. Take it from a graduate of the exterminator's academy at Humble.
17:15 You've introduced a new element into their ecosystem.
17:19 Problem? They've gotten wise to it.
17:21 Solution? You need something stronger.
17:24 Cockroach 101.
17:27 Hmm.
17:29 Now, don't get me wrong, Jack. I'm not criticizing your product or by extension you.
17:35 Yeah, yeah, I get it, Jack. What you need is something stronger.
17:39 Exactly. You understand.
17:41 Well, what am I saying? Of course you understand. You're a fisherman.
17:45 I'll have what he's having.
17:47 Dale? What are you doing here?
17:49 I followed you. Every twist and every turn.
17:53 By the way, I'm going to need to follow you home.
17:56 Freeze! Hands where I can see them!
18:01 Huh?
18:06 Oh, this is all my fault. I got you started on that ginseng tea.
18:10 And with your addictive personality, of course, that led to your...
18:13 I swear, Peggy, I thought I was buying fishing bait.
18:16 Don't lie to me, Hank. I am not stupid. I am a substitute teacher.
18:21 Not one of your drug-smoking friends.
18:23 Mr. Hill, this bass fishing defense isn't going to cut it.
18:28 Were you abused as a child?
18:31 What? No!
18:33 Are you sure? Juries, eat that up.
18:35 Maybe I ought to tie that long hair on your head to the short hair on your ass and kick you down the street.
18:41 I told you, I am not a doper.
18:43 Come on, Mr. Hill. We all use drugs. Even the president.
18:48 Not my president. I voted for Dole.
18:51 Only thing he's on is painkillers, and he earned it.
18:54 Next case. Mr. Scribblin Hill.
19:03 Nice to see you again, Mr. Hill. I assume you're the arresting citizen.
19:06 Well, no, it's the funniest kind of mix-up, your honor.
19:11 Just one moment. Mr. Grebel, remove your hat in my courtroom.
19:15 I do not recognize the authority of a court that hangs the gold fringe flag.
19:19 A flag with gilded edges is the flag of an admiralty court.
19:23 An admiralty court signifies a naval court-martial.
19:26 I cannot be court-martialed twice. That is all.
19:29 Furthermore...
19:32 Doc!
19:33 This must be a typo. Mr. Hill, you're the last person I expected to be a drug user.
19:43 Objection, your honor. My dad doesn't use drugs.
19:47 The only thing he needs to be happy is fishing. Sustained.
19:52 That's right, judge. The strongest thing I use is B.C. headache powder.
19:56 I'll tell you what. I may have accidentally purchased once or twice
20:01 some, uh, illegal substances.
20:04 But I was using them, quite successfully, I might add, as fish bait.
20:10 Fish bait?
20:12 Guilty.
20:14 I told you. I told him, your honor.
20:16 That's enough out of you. You're fired.
20:19 Judge, I'm not lying to you here. I'm no criminal. I'm just a fisherman.
20:23 Well, Hill, I don't like your story, but you've got the haircut of an honest man.
20:29 So I'm willing to give you a chance to prove you're not a liar.
20:31 You say you were using the stuff as bait?
20:34 Yes, sir.
20:36 Well, I'm a bit of an angler myself.
20:38 So tomorrow, you, me, and your bald buddy, they're gonna go out to the lake.
20:42 And you're gonna show me how to catch a wide-mouth bass with a rocker crack.
20:46 Uh, well, hold on a second.
20:49 You see, the fish won't take the bait anymore. The ecosystem has changed and...
20:56 I don't need my ruling. Either you reel one in tomorrow, or the two of you are gonna spend the next 24 months making Texas state license plates.
21:03 Next case, Fidelity Mutual Insurance versus Layaway Ray's Bait Shop.
21:11 Hill, it's been six hours. You ready to admit your crime and do your time?
21:25 Yes, sir, your honor. I'm making progress here. I can feel it.
21:29 Wing. Wing. Wing, go, man. I think I got one.
21:34 Hold on to her, Dale. Don't let her go.
21:36 Oh, thank you, Lord.
21:38 Well, I'll be. Looks like you boys are telling the truth after all.
21:42 Uh...
21:44 Gribble, this fish is frozen.
21:46 I caught it. That's my position.
21:48 You obviously bought this at a grocery store. You try something like that again, and I'll double your sentence.
21:54 Dale, you giblet head. If you were gonna cheat, why the hell did you buy a frozen bass?
21:59 I had a coupon.
22:01 All right. Five more minutes, and that's it. I gotta be at a lethal injection by midnight.
22:10 Get your butt off the cooler, Duke. His honor wants a putty.
22:15 [♪♪♪]
22:27 Hank, don't do it. We've already tried to cheat. He'll double our sentence.
22:32 I'm not cheating now, Dale. Using cheater bait was cheating. I got greedy.
22:40 I feel better than that lazy greaseball who tried to steal my truck.
22:44 Let's face the facts. We're going to prison.
22:47 And all we'll have to dream about is the last time we went fishing.
22:51 I don't know about you, but I want to remember casting off with a hand-dug American worm.
22:58 [♪♪♪]
23:06 [♪♪♪]
23:12 [♪♪♪]
23:23 Well, time's up. Start rowing, Duke.
23:27 Now, there's a man who loves to fish. Almost makes me sorry to send him to the farm.
23:35 [♪♪♪]
23:45 She ain't pretty, but she's a bass, all right. You're free to go.
23:49 She's the most beautiful fish I ever caught, I tell you what.
23:53 Hold her up, Hank. She's a wallhanger.
23:56 Uh, he.
24:00 [♪♪♪]
24:10 [♪♪♪]
24:14 [♪♪♪]
24:24 [♪♪♪]
24:32 [♪♪♪]
24:41 [♪♪♪]