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AmusantTranscription
00:00 [music]
00:02 [music]
00:04 [music]
00:32 [music]
00:44 Dale, your wife's a weather personality. Does she have any idea when this drought's gonna end?
00:49 No relief in sight. And that's straight from the AP Newswire to Nancy to me to you.
00:56 Well, stage one water rationing wasn't too bad. I just cut out Peggy's crystal light.
01:02 When we hit stage two, I took away Bobby's baths. But stage three is killing my lawn. And that affects everyone.
01:11 [sounds of water being poured]
01:16 Bobby! Have you lost your mind?
01:20 I've got a girlfriend now. She expects me to smell a certain way.
01:25 Then suck it up and take a shower.
01:28 I don't like to stay in that long.
01:31 [music]
01:39 Hey, uh, J.J., how'd we do?
01:44 You're just at your weekly allotment.
01:46 Dang it. I scrimped and saved all week.
01:49 Why don't you get a couple of those new low-flow toilets? They use about half as much water, and, uh, the water company's giving them out for free.
01:57 Well, I don't know. My toilets have given me 15 years of dependable service.
02:03 I'm not one of those guys who turns 40 and runs out and buys fancy new toilets.
02:10 Check it out, Hank Hill. Who got the green thumb now, hayseed?
02:15 What? Now, how in stage three could you--
02:18 I used secret Asian watering technique.
02:21 Ah, come on. That's crazy.
02:23 Don't let my genius in mathematics blind you to my mystical side.
02:28 I could spit in a thimble and water Central Park.
02:32 [laughs]
02:34 [music]
02:39 Goodbye, toilets. Thanks for everything.
02:43 New low-flow toilets. Boy, this is exciting. But I guess you guys are probably used to it by now.
02:50 Yeah, I'm used to it.
02:52 [music]
02:56 [singing]
03:04 What the--?
03:06 [toilet flushes]
03:11 Dang it.
03:13 [toilet flushes]
03:16 Still?
03:18 [toilet flushes]
03:27 [clears throat]
03:29 [toilet flushes]
03:38 Heck of a game.
03:40 So, uh, Peggy, uh, I'm just curious. How many flushes was that?
03:46 A lady does not discuss such matters.
03:49 It was six. I'm averaging four myself, but I'm just a kid.
03:56 [sighs] This is crazy.
03:58 If you have to flush twice, you're already using as much water as our old toilets.
04:03 But we're flushing three, four, six times. We're not saving any water.
04:09 If anything, we are wasting water.
04:12 [sighs] I'm gonna call the water company. See about getting the high flows back.
04:17 Uh-uh. I already called. They take the old toilets, they smash 'em up,
04:21 then dump them in the Gulf of Mexico to make an artificial coral reef.
04:25 Mom, you needed seven.
04:27 That's it.
04:29 Thanks for the help with the algebra homework.
04:34 Now, if you ever need help with your homework, Sanjay owes me a favor.
04:41 [kiss]
04:42 [music]
04:44 [grunting]
04:46 [yells]
04:47 [thud]
04:48 [music]
04:52 So, was I 20 gallons over my limit, or was it a cool 40?
04:57 Look, I already told you. It's a hundred bucks. It's a bribe, not a tip.
05:01 Hey, ho, hey! Best hundred bucks I ever spent.
05:07 So, this dirty money going for more steroids or head plugs?
05:12 [laughs] Just kidding.
05:15 Ah, you all right, Jack-o'-lantern.
05:18 [music]
05:24 [music]
05:26 [music]
05:28 [music]
05:31 [music]
05:33 [music]
05:35 [music]
05:37 [music]
05:39 [laughs]
05:40 Hey, what you doing?
05:42 I'm here to take a bath.
05:45 Are you crazy? Get out! Legally, I can shoot you now.
05:49 With what? A water pistol?
05:52 You seem to have plenty of the wet stuff these days, don't you, sir?
05:57 [laughs]
06:01 I don't know what you're talking about. I use secret Asian watering technique.
06:06 Best hundred bucks you ever spent.
06:09 [laughs]
06:10 What you want?
06:12 Beds, and lots of them.
06:15 Oh, and I'm tired of climbing in and out of Connie's window.
06:20 From now on, I'll be using the front door.
06:25 [music]
06:28 Excuse me, where do you keep your good toilets?
06:31 Sorry, we don't stock the good toilets anymore.
06:34 Just the low flows.
06:36 And even if I did have the high flows, it would be illegal to install them in Heimlich County.
06:42 Which idiot made it illegal to install a working toilet in your own bathroom?
06:48 The Board of Zoning and Resources, Ordinance 621-A.
06:52 The Board of Zoning and Resources did this?
06:55 Huh. I love their setback requirements.
06:59 [music]
07:01 The motion to postpone item 25 until next week carries.
07:05 Any other business?
07:07 Hank Hill here, Assistant Manager Strickland Propane.
07:12 May I first say what an honor it is to be addressing this distinguished board.
07:18 Now, I recently installed low flow fixtures in my home.
07:24 Mr. Hill, in order to even discuss this issue, it would have to be on the agenda.
07:31 Okay, then, let's put it on the agenda.
07:33 Sir, only a member of the Board of Zoning and Resources can place items on the agenda.
07:39 But my toilets...
07:41 Mr. Hill, your time is up. We appreciate your comments.
07:43 Uh, Mr. Chairman, I'd like to remind the members of the board that it is Earl's birthday.
07:49 I move we wish Earl happy birthday.
07:51 I second the motion.
07:53 All in favor?
07:54 Aye.
07:55 The motion carries.
07:57 Happy birthday, Earl.
08:00 [music]
08:03 Then, before I knew it, my time was up. I never even got to mention the sorry state of my lawn.
08:09 Did you move to extend time for consideration of the pending question?
08:13 What? How'd you do that?
08:15 Hank, I am a veteran of PTA meetings, both as a P and a T,
08:20 and I have read the Bible of parliamentary procedure known as Robert's Rules of Order.
08:26 Sounds like someone should run for mayor.
08:30 I mean, you are the smartest man in town, Dad.
08:34 [laughs] Well, you know, there's nothing saying I couldn't run for a spot on the board of Zoning and Resources.
08:42 Well, you can count on my vote, assuming I agree with your platform.
08:48 I, Hank Hill, do hereby submit this application to be on the ballot for election to the board of Zoning and Resources.
08:57 I will build my platform on thick, healthy lawns made possible by efficient toilets that don't waste water.
09:06 Okay, you're in.
09:07 You hear that, Bobby? Your old man's on the ballot.
09:10 There is no ballot. There's been an empty seat on the board for the past four years.
09:14 Congratulations, you're a board member.
09:17 We won!
09:20 No, Bobby. Arlen won.
09:25 [music]
09:28 [sigh] It's gone from evergreen to amber mist.
09:33 Ashes to ashes.
09:35 We'd have so much more water for our lawns if we didn't have that stupid toilet law.
09:41 I'm going to use all the power of my position to get our old toilets back.
09:46 They say power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
09:49 Hank, can you introduce me to Madeline Albright?
09:52 People, people! There are limits to our newly empowered friend Hank's power.
09:58 He deals in simple, county-level matters, like the permit I need to build my new fence.
10:05 Now, Dale, first you need to write up your proposal, then you need to present it to the board for a vote.
10:11 And then, democracy happens.
10:13 I get a new fence! Gimme fence! Lots of fence!
10:17 Hey, please fence me in! Ooh, yeah! Gimme fence! Lots of fence!
10:23 Please fence me in!
10:26 Motion to approve item 39, the resolution to include in the city fee ordinance the smart growth incentives.
10:33 Second.
10:34 All in favor?
10:35 Aye. Aye. Aye!
10:38 Motion passes.
10:40 Next order of business, Mr. Dale Gribbles, request for zoning variance.
10:45 Uh, in the interest of impartiality, I would like to put on the record that Dale Gribble is a close friend and neighbor.
10:54 And I will add that I know him to be a good father and a responsible citizen of Arlen.
11:00 Well put.
11:02 Mr. Chairman, board members, basically what I am envisioning is a 12-foot, 10,000-volt, electrified, protective fence with guard tower. Thank you.
11:14 Dale, that is the single dumbest--
11:16 All in favor?
11:17 You're making me look like a jackass.
11:20 All in favor of Mr. Gribble's variance?
11:24 Nay. Nay.
11:25 Request denied.
11:27 You're dead to me.
11:30 Final order of business, item 41, has also been put on the agenda by Mr. Hill. Chairman yields the floor.
11:40 Thank you, Chairman Hashaway.
11:43 (clears throat)
11:45 1.6 gallons per flush per low-flow toilet. Sounds pretty good, doesn't it?
11:54 But unfortunately, in the real world, where things don't flush like they do in the movies, it can take three, four, or in the case of my wife, Peggy Hill, six flushes to completely remove solid waste.
12:12 The fact is, these toilets are squandering more water than they are saving. Thank you.
12:19 Mr. Hill, I want to assure you that the board fully considered all viewpoints before approving Ordinance 621-A.
12:26 See you all Wednesday.
12:28 Oh, oh, what am I saying?
12:30 I'll see you Sunday at Earl's party.
12:32 There's a party?
12:34 Hey, I know you.
12:39 Chair recognizes Hank Hill.
12:42 (chuckles)
12:43 Seriously, Hank, I want you to see something.
12:48 Because of the worsening drought, we thought we'd swap these high-flows for a couple of water-savers.
12:53 So, um, why don't you take the old toilets? Be happy, and we'll move on to the important business of zoning and resources.
13:02 Well, that's mighty nice of you, Nate, but that would be breaking the law.
13:08 So until I get that law revoked, I'm gonna have to say, "Not yet."
13:14 You're a real boy scout, aren't you, Hank?
13:17 Made it to Eagle. Good night.
13:20 Mr. Grebel?
13:26 (screams)
13:27 Don't sneak up, God. I almost...
13:32 Oh, I'm sorry. I hear you're Hank Hill's neighbor. I just wanted to talk to you about a little piece of business.
13:38 Go on.
13:39 Here's what I'm gonna do. We're both adults here.
13:44 Oh, no.
13:47 What are you doing?
14:02 Well, I was listening to your mother tell me about her day, and then it hit me.
14:08 Freezer shavings. They're made of water.
14:13 Ooh, look at all the frost inside this box of Fletcher's corny dogs.
14:18 Thank you, Jesus.
14:20 Jesus?
14:21 Hey, McNugget! What the hell are you doing?
14:49 Shh! My dad will hear us.
14:51 You're breaking our agreement. My bribe not big enough to cover your bath, my slip and slide on your father's lawn.
14:58 Something gotta give, and it's not gonna be my slip and slide.
15:02 And it's not gonna be my dad's lawn.
15:06 Forget the baths.
15:08 Done. And you can forget your front door privileges.
15:12 All right.
15:14 All right.
15:16 I am grim.
15:18 [hissing]
15:20 Come on, Bobby. You slept through the bus.
15:24 Sweet St. Augustine.
15:26 It worked that fast?
15:34 Yeah. Well, how about that? I was hoping those freezer shavings would work, but between you and me, I had my doubts.
15:42 [hissing]
15:46 [hissing]
15:48 Mmm-mmm! That's a handsome lawn.
15:54 Well, your Raleigh St. Augustine is a real deep-rooted sod.
15:59 And it takes a pretty picture, too.
16:02 These were taken over the last several nights by a private investigator.
16:10 If I'm not mistaken, that's your boy violating the water rationing laws with your neighbor's hoes.
16:17 Bobby?
16:18 Don't worry. I'll keep your secret.
16:21 Unless, of course, you want to keep pushing that toilet issue.
16:24 I idolized you.
16:37 Bobby, you stole water.
16:40 You violated both the letter and the spirit of the water rationing rules.
16:45 Dad, I didn't steal the water. Mr. Super-Nusenpone let me have it.
16:50 Don't lie to me, son. Con hates my lawn.
16:53 No, it's true. I mean, I had to blackmail him.
16:57 Blackmail?
16:59 [sighs]
17:00 Mr. Super-Nusenpone started it. I caught him bribing the meter reader guy.
17:06 Oh, God. J.J., too?
17:10 But, Dad, I saved your lawn.
17:13 I don't have a lawn. I have a crime scene.
17:16 And that grass is getting the death penalty.
17:20 No more water.
17:22 Dad, guess what?
17:32 I just took a 30-second shower, and I'm going to dry myself off on the lawn.
17:38 The lawn's dead, Bobby. You're just making mud.
17:44 Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty. Here, kitty.
17:54 Dale, you can't build that fence. You need a variance.
17:58 Variance, shmarience, puddin' and pie.
18:01 Signed by Nate Hashaway? Where'd you get that?
18:05 Stop interrogating me. I'll never crack.
18:09 What are you talking about?
18:11 All right, I did it!
18:13 I took the photos of the illegal lawn hydration for Hashaway.
18:17 What? You sold me out for a stupid fence?
18:21 You bet I did. I'm so ashamed.
18:24 Here. Tear it up if that empty gesture will make you feel better.
18:30 [coughs]
18:32 Hank, you're alive to me. Call me.
18:40 Connie.
18:50 [grunts]
18:53 [grunts]
18:55 Hashaway.
19:02 Dad, I found out something about Hashaway that you could use against him.
19:08 Bobby, you keep your dirt. I've got enough where my lawn used to be.
19:13 Dad, listen. I was climbing through Connie's window, and then I--
19:17 Your window? Your mother said Con was letting you use the front door.
19:21 He was, but I gave that up to water your lawn.
19:26 This meeting is called to order.
19:32 Sorry I took so long. I went to powder my nose. It took eight flushes.
19:37 This has got to stop.
19:40 First item of business, uh...
19:43 Well, it's our old friend "Proposal to Repeal Ordinance 621-A."
19:48 I believe Mr. Hill now wants to rescind his proposal.
19:52 No, sir, I do not.
19:54 You see, the envelope in front of Mr. Hashaway there contains photographs of my son watering my lawn with stolen water.
20:04 I accept full responsibility, and after tonight's meeting, I will resign my position.
20:10 But why is Nate Hashaway fighting so hard to keep Low Flow Toilets?
20:17 Because his company, Hashaway Fixtures, is the exclusive supplier of Low Flow Toilets to the water company.
20:26 That's right. He makes money off 621-A.
20:30 And that's why I move that we vote to overturn it.
20:34 I second the motion.
20:36 All right. I call for a vote.
20:39 Nay.
20:40 Nay.
20:41 What? But these toilets he's selling, they don't work.
20:44 Well, I don't own one personally. I've never even used one.
20:47 But I've known Nate for 18 years.
20:49 And if he says these Low Flows are good for Ireland, I'm inclined to believe him.
20:54 It's five to none against you, Mr. Hill. How do you vote?
20:58 I vote...
21:00 Hank, wait!
21:02 Okay. Until you say "aye" or "nay," this vote is not final.
21:09 And any member who leaves before it's final forfeits their vote.
21:13 It's all right here in Robert's Rules of Order.
21:17 So they can't leave. So what?
21:19 So, eventually, they will have to go to the bathroom.
21:23 The Low Flows.
21:25 Hank, I have two years' worth of my musings columns in my purse.
21:29 Start reading. Do not let up.
21:31 Mr. Hill, do you have the floor?
21:33 Yes, I do. But before I vote, I think it's important to read these things to, uh, you.
21:40 (clears throat)
21:41 You know it's autumn when the leaves are leaving and the pine needles are sticking around.
21:48 (laughs)
21:49 Oh, sorry. Go on.
21:51 Oh, god dang it! It's a filibuster!
21:55 (murmuring)
21:57 I'm tired of reading negative stories about today's youth.
22:01 You might say I'm on an all-protein diet.
22:05 (grunts)
22:07 I'm not leaving. I'm just going to the john.
22:10 Be my guest.
22:13 The people who say you can't make an omelet without cracking eggs are always pretty hard-boiled.
22:24 (grunts)
22:27 Mr. Hill?
22:29 They say time flies, but with the way the airlines are going these days, maybe time should take the bus.
22:54 That's right. The bus.
22:57 They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if you don't go to the doctor for regular checkups, you're bananas.
23:08 Both people and rivers make deposits...
23:10 (sighs)
23:11 This is just sadistic.
23:13 I wouldn't go in the john. I use the ladies.
23:17 Too late. Somebody already broke it.
23:20 (sighs)
23:21 Nate, those low-flow toilets are junk. I'm voting with Hank.
23:25 Me too. I'm not sure I can even make it home.
23:28 You're a bunch of babies.
23:30 I'm changing my vote.
23:31 Same here.
23:32 Fine. Have it your way, you do-gooding phonies. I hope you all rot in hell.
23:39 See you next Tuesday.
23:42 Well, looks like Nate forfeits his vote. I vote yes. The repeal of Ordinance 621-A passes, and I quit.
23:52 (groans)
23:53 Way to go, Dad! You did it!
23:57 From now on, no one will flush a toilet in this town without banking Hank Hill.
24:05 Yeah. Well, it was still worth it.
24:08 (music)
24:19 (music ends)
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