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AmusantTranscription
00:00 [Music]
00:20 [Bell ringing]
00:24 [Music]
00:34 [Snoring]
00:36 Dad, I didn't get to bed until three this morning.
00:40 I was watching the Taxi Marathon on Nick at night.
00:44 Thank you very much.
00:46 Bobby, in this house you don't get to sleep through your summer vacation
00:50 and watch what were probably repeats all night like some shut-in.
00:55 Here, I've put together a chore list,
00:58 and I made sure to alternate between light and heavy chores.
01:03 Weed pulling is not a light chore.
01:05 Yes it is. I just purchased a new weed puller.
01:09 Well, actually I wouldn't mind trying that out first.
01:14 And, uh, don't worry about the garage door.
01:18 I'll paint that this weekend and...
01:21 Huh. I'm not giving you my chores. You're getting a job.
01:25 Okay. Though I'm not very employable.
01:28 No skills, bad attitude, seventh grade education.
01:33 But we can try.
01:36 [Music]
01:42 Hello, Peggy here.
01:44 Oh, well, Min, I'm surprised to see you here.
01:47 I've been donating blood for a long time.
01:49 I'm what they call a "universal donor" type O.
01:54 I can give blood to anyone. My blood that important.
01:57 Well, I am AB negative, the rarest blood of all.
02:02 Liquid gold!
02:04 Mrs. Hill, our records show that you have donated a total of six pints of blood.
02:09 I want you to know that when you've reached eight pints...
02:12 Or one gallon!
02:14 Uh, yes, or one gallon, we will give you a complimentary coffee mug.
02:19 A mug? And it would say that I gave blood, right?
02:24 Yes. And Mrs. Susan Isomphone, you're only one pint away from the mug.
02:29 Hear that, Peggy Hill?
02:31 Next time I'll be drinking orange juice from a coffee mug...
02:35 While you're still drinking it from the little itty-bitty Peggy Hill paper cup.
02:40 [Coffee mug opens]
02:42 [Coffee mug closes]
02:44 [Coffee mug opens]
02:45 Stealin' company gas, Hank?
02:47 Oh! [Laughs]
02:49 Good one! [Laughs]
02:51 Uh, Mr. Strickland?
02:54 I was wonderin' if it'd be okay to put Bobby to work for the summer as a tank wipe.
02:59 Naw, it's too late!
03:00 I promised the last tank wipe job to Miss Liz's brother's stepson's kid.
03:05 I tell you what, if Bobby works half as hard as you, I'll pull a few strings, grease a few palms...
03:12 Get him a job as a caddy at the golf club.
03:15 Well, that would be great, sir.
03:17 Hey, you know, I love golf. Maybe if, uh, you know, sometime...
03:21 I mean, I know you love golf, too, and I thought...
03:25 Naw, Hank, you're too old to be a caddy.
03:28 Get back to work.
03:32 Well, hey, men! I just thought you'd like to know that I donated another pint of blood.
03:39 Seven pints apiece, men!
03:41 But not for long. I am on a donating streak.
03:46 [Grunts]
03:48 [Groans]
03:53 [Sighs]
03:55 [Gun cocks]
03:57 [Gulps]
03:58 [Guitar music]
04:00 [Golf club clacks]
04:02 The trick to being picked by golfers to make sure you make eye contact...
04:06 Look alert. They like that.
04:08 If you don't get picked, you end up sitting on your butt all day.
04:12 Thanks for the tip.
04:14 I don't care. You cheat.
04:16 Yeah, let me see, uh... Hmm.
04:19 Tip.
04:22 [Golf club clacks]
04:24 [Guitar music]
04:26 [Horn honks]
04:29 Hey, Mr. Strickland. Nice to see you, sir.
04:32 Here you go, brother.
04:34 Hey, you. Bring me a martini on the first tee.
04:38 Two olives.
04:39 Hey, Bobby, how'd they treat you?
04:41 Good, sir.
04:42 Well, now you can tell 'em Buck Strickland treats you better.
04:46 [Sighs]
04:49 [Guitar music]
04:52 Hey, after work, we're gonna hang out and watch some golf carts.
04:55 Then we're gonna ride some blocks of ice down the hill.
04:58 Well, I'm not really interested in washing carts,
05:02 but do give me a shout when you're ready to do that ice riding thing.
05:06 [Guitar music]
05:09 [Groans]
05:11 [Sighs]
05:12 Okay, you wanna go first?
05:14 Me? Sure. What day?
05:16 Now, how do I--
05:20 [Screams]
05:23 You are ice blackened, my friend.
05:25 Yeah!
05:26 [Screams]
05:30 [Groans]
05:31 Do you know who you knocked down?
05:35 The chairman of the membership committee.
05:39 Yeah, that's right. Corky Raywood.
05:42 Oh, I'd be wetting myself too right now if I were you.
05:45 [Doorbell rings]
05:47 Sir, your son was involved in an incident near green number six.
05:52 A club member was incapacitated due to ice blocking.
05:56 Your son's services as a caddy have been terminated.
05:59 Oh, God, Bobby. Mr. Strickland is my boss.
06:03 He put his reputation on the line to get you this job.
06:07 Also, sir, your truck is parked more than one foot from the curb.
06:10 I'm giving you a warning.
06:12 You're not a cop.
06:13 That's why it's just a warning.
06:15 [Guitar music]
06:17 [Door slams]
06:20 Corky Raywood may have a deep thigh bruise,
06:23 but the real victim here is Mr. Strickland.
06:26 You owe that man an apology.
06:29 I'll wait out here.
06:31 I'm really sorry, sir.
06:35 I don't know if you've ever ridden a block of ice before.
06:39 Well, I married Miss Liz, didn't I?
06:41 [Laughs]
06:43 Don't you worry, Bobby. I'll take care of this.
06:45 But that security guy said I was fine.
06:48 Then that security guard's fired.
06:50 Oh, no, please don't.
06:51 Two ladies fired.
06:53 Oh, sorry, Bobby. I was making a hot toddy before you showed up.
06:56 You want a hot toddy?
06:57 Hot toddy will calm your nerves.
06:59 Oh, thank you, sir.
07:00 Men, Liz! Two hot toddies!
07:03 We're gonna toast your new job as my personal caddy.
07:07 Now, tell me, Bobby, did you really knock that son of a bitch on his ass?
07:11 [Laughs]
07:12 You know he tried to get me kicked out of the club for throwing my putty at his wife?
07:16 No one sneezes when Buck Strickland's about to putt.
07:20 Except for Buck Strickland.
07:22 [Laughs]
07:25 I'm gonna make him my personal caddy.
07:28 Oh, gee, thank you for doing this for me, sir.
07:31 I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for Bobby.
07:33 He reminds me of my boy.
07:35 I didn't know you had a son.
07:37 Yeah, lives in a different town, different woman.
07:39 Name's Roy Ray, something like that.
07:42 After 16 years, I'm too embarrassed to ask.
07:46 [Door opens]
07:48 18 holes. I've never walked that far in my life.
07:53 Well, you're not gonna start now. Toss those clubs in the cart and take a driver's seat.
07:58 You hungry, Bobby?
07:59 Yes, sir, I am.
08:01 Well, how's a couple of hot dogs with everything on 'em sound?
08:04 Fantastic!
08:06 [Grunts]
08:12 Damn it!
08:13 [Laughs]
08:15 You playing army golf today, Boggess?
08:18 Army golf?
08:19 Yeah. Left, right, left, right.
08:22 [Laughs]
08:24 Good one, sir.
08:26 [Grunts]
08:27 Yeah!
08:29 Woo!
08:30 Send that whore home in a taxi.
08:34 I had a dream last night where we were all naked.
08:38 Except for you, Hank.
08:40 You had these tiny, clear, plastic underpants on.
08:44 Actually, they weren't doing you any good, really, because you could see everything.
08:49 But the weird part is...
08:51 Look, look! There's Bobby.
08:54 Stay in the car at the club, Bobby.
08:58 Now, you didn't ask Mr. Strickland to give you a ride home, did you?
09:02 He insisted, and he took me a dead president.
09:06 Hamilton!
09:07 Way to go, Bobby.
09:09 Mr. Strickland's not one to throw his money around.
09:12 He rewards hard work with a fair salary.
09:15 Look at you, Hank. You are so jealous.
09:21 When was the last time you were dropped off at home by your boss?
09:25 Never.
09:27 So then, when Buck finally sunk his butt, he tried to do a little dance,
09:33 but he's kinda too big, so he had me do it for him.
09:36 Everybody loved it!
09:39 Well, while Buck's out enjoying himself on the links,
09:42 I'm just glad he's got someone like me at the shop to keep the trains running on time.
09:48 Take today, for instance.
09:49 We got a surprise call from the Propane Association.
09:53 They needed to talk to Buck.
09:55 Well, I handled it.
09:57 Told 'em that would be fine.
10:00 Yep, that's just the kind of fires I have to put out when Buck's not around.
10:05 Anyway, it was some game.
10:07 Mr. Strickland got up under more balls than a midget hooker.
10:12 Bobby!
10:13 Where did you learn language like that? The television?
10:16 No, Mr. Strickland.
10:18 Just because you're his caddy does not give you the right to repeat it.
10:22 Take it easy, old top.
10:25 God dang it, it's 7.15. I'm missing the wheel.
10:30 Uh, sir, last night at dinner, Bobby used some language at--
10:38 Oh, sorry, I didn't--
10:40 [laughs]
10:42 Yeah, look, I gotta go.
10:44 Your daddy just walked in the room.
10:46 Hank, you wanna say hi to your son?
10:49 Uh, no, but I'm glad I can talk to you both.
10:53 Mr. Strickland, Bobby used some language last night that he said he got from you.
10:58 Is that true, Bobby?
11:00 Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
11:03 [laughs]
11:05 [laughs]
11:08 [whines]
11:10 All right, then, Bobby, I'll see you at the club.
11:13 That it, Hank?
11:19 I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to send you home.
11:23 Your blood pressure is way too low.
11:26 Oh, darn, no mug for men.
11:29 Did you give blood recently?
11:31 Yes, but so did she. Twice. See?
11:37 You do not have to take it from the vein in my arm.
11:40 You can take it from one in the back of my leg.
11:43 Both of you go home, and I'm not giving you a mug.
11:47 You can have a cookie.
11:49 I do not want a cookie. I want that mug!
11:53 [stammering]
12:00 [music]
12:11 Come on, what are you waiting for? Let's save some lives!
12:15 You ready to lose, Franklin?
12:19 Oh! Look out!
12:23 Oh, shoot! Now where'd that little son of a gun get to?
12:28 It's over here, Mrs. Strickland.
12:31 [music]
12:40 Yep. Oh, ho!
12:44 I almost broke my neck tripping over that ball.
12:48 Well, isn't that cheating, Mr. Strickland?
12:51 I'm not going to lie to you, Bobby.
12:54 No, it's just being clumsy. There's no law against being clumsy.
12:59 That is, unless you're caught.
13:02 [laughing]
13:10 Go find the ball, Bobby.
13:12 Find it someplace good.
13:15 We'll see you later, Bobby. Remember to soak those feet!
13:19 So, Bobby, I thought that maybe we'd go golfing tomorrow. Just the two of us.
13:24 Uh-huh.
13:25 Give your mother a chance to recuperate.
13:28 Uh...
13:29 I can't, Dad. Buck asked me to caddy for him this weekend.
13:33 And we are teeing off at nine tomorrow.
13:37 Isn't that Mr. Strickland's watch?
13:39 It's my watch now. He gave it to me as a gift.
13:42 Buck Strickland does not give gifts.
13:45 I've worked for the man over 15 years, and he's never given me anything.
13:49 That's true, Bobby. Never has.
13:53 Mr. Strickland probably just lent it to you.
13:55 No, he gave it to me for helping him get the best score of his life.
14:00 Huh. What'd he shoot?
14:02 A 65.
14:04 What? Well, that's a course record.
14:06 He was having some trouble, but I bailed him out with my trusty hand wedge.
14:12 Bobby, you cheated!
14:14 There was money on the game besides Link Brantley's a horse's ass.
14:19 You're giving that watch back.
14:22 No, I'm not. Mr. Strickland gave me that watch, and it's Mr. Strickland who gives me my money.
14:27 He asked me to jump, and I say, "How high?"
14:30 He asked me to cheat, and we're on the green in two.
14:33 Well, there is no getting around the rules in this house.
14:36 If you like cheating and lying so much, why don't you go to Buck's house?
14:40 All right, maybe I will.
14:42 Fine. I'll drive you.
14:44 Hank, what are you doing?
14:46 I know what I'm doing.
14:47 Well, it sounds like you know what you're doing, but I am still too lightheaded to really fully comprehend your plan.
14:55 Buck's no babysitter. He'll turn Bobby away the minute he sets foot on his doorstep.
15:00 All right, I can't handle a thousand details, Hank. Just give me the broad strokes.
15:04 Hey, Bobby!
15:22 [Groans]
15:24 Did Bobby phone home yet?
15:36 Where is Bobby?
15:38 Well, he's still at Buck's, but believe me, after a couple of hours without his nightlight and humidifier, he'll be begging to come home.
15:48 [Music]
15:53 Oh, hello, Lupino. Sorry to disturb you. I need to talk to Mr. Strickland.
16:07 Mr. Strickland went to Hot Springs, Arkansas.
16:10 I pressed his gambling suit, and I packed his naked lady playing cards.
16:15 He goes last night with Mr. Hill.
16:17 I'm Mr. Hill.
16:19 Little Mr. Hill.
16:21 Oh, dang it!
16:23 All right, if Mr. Strickland calls, you tell him I'm taking a personal day.
16:31 You ever been to the dog races, Bobby?
16:35 Not one as organized as this.
16:38 Do they still let the monkeys ride the dogs around the track?
16:42 No, not since the '40s. Nothing like seeing a monkey whip a dog down the backstretch.
16:49 Bobby, you gonna be my wallet caddy. Now, don't lose it. I got all my betting money in there.
16:55 Okay.
16:56 Okay. Now, I just put our money on Wonder Dog.
16:59 I like that name.
17:01 Yeah, I saw Wonder Dog dump a load before the race. Means he'll run light.
17:06 Look out, folks. Here comes somebody.
17:09 Look out, Wonder Dog!
17:12 Wallet caddy, hand me my wallet. We going again.
17:20 Hey, man.
17:24 Down here, man.
17:29 Oh, yeah. That's not real.
17:35 You made that yourself. They wouldn't take any more blood from you.
17:39 Well, maybe not in Arlen. Maybe not in McMainerberry.
17:45 But then there's a little town called Houston.
17:50 And when that construction crane fell over, they didn't have time to ask questions.
17:55 You lying!
17:57 I would not be down here gloating if I were.
18:00 I think I'll go inside and brew some coffee.
18:05 Yep, that's gonna taste sweet.
18:12 Now, you see, your daddy wouldn't know how to have a good time like this.
18:23 No, sir, he would not.
18:26 Hey, old-timer, you know where Rooster's Crap Game is tonight?
18:31 Rooster's Crap Game is between 4th and 5th Street.
18:35 Go around back, knock twice, and slip a twenty under the door.
18:38 You ever see someone fish for $40, Bobby?
18:41 No.
18:42 Watch this.
18:44 Look at him go. He makes in a year what I make in a week.
18:55 Thanks for letting me know that my taillight was out.
18:58 Well, I'd want you to do the same for me, officer.
19:01 Say, can you tell me how much further it is to Hot Springs?
19:04 Another hour and a half.
19:06 All right. Drive carefully now.
19:08 I will.
19:11 [Siren]
19:14 Kid can't come in.
19:37 It's okay. He's my son.
19:39 I don't care whose son it is. Kid can't come in.
19:42 All right. Bobby, you're gonna have to stay out here.
19:46 I'm gonna take half of my betting money, and you hold on to the rest.
19:50 Here, hold on to my heart pills.
19:52 If I'm losing my shirt in there, I'm gonna fake a heart attack.
19:55 Now, that's your cue to come in, waving the pills, screaming,
19:59 "My daddy's having a heart attack! My daddy's having a heart attack!"
20:04 Got that?
20:08 Now, who's my Walla-Keddy?
20:11 I am.
20:12 There we go.
20:14 What are you looking at?
20:35 Nothing.
20:36 Come on, Bobby. Forget about him.
20:38 You're lucky my woman doesn't want me to fight you, little freak,
20:41 or I'd mess you up good.
20:43 Ah! I am hot, Bobby!
20:48 I just hit the five three times in a row!
20:51 You think I should press the five?
20:52 I don't know.
20:54 [Gagging]
20:56 It's just shrinkling. How much longer, kid?
20:58 Not through it. I'm gonna press the five.
21:00 Lunch with me tonight, Bobby. I'm on a gravy train with biscuit wheels.
21:06 You all emptied out, Carla?
21:09 Yeah.
21:11 Oh, God!
21:14 Okay, kid. Hand over the money.
21:23 My daddy's having a heart attack! My daddy's having a heart attack!
21:27 Your daddy already tried that. We're not buying it. Now, give us the money.
21:31 And the watch.
21:32 But the watch is mine.
21:34 Your daddy said you give us the money and the watch.
21:37 Now, come on, kid. The watch.
21:45 The watch is mine!
21:47 You get what you needed, Rooster!
21:54 That boy give you the money and the watch?
21:56 The boy gave us the money. Took off with the watch.
21:59 What? God dang it, Bobby!
22:02 Oh!
22:04 I think I'm having an infarction!
22:07 Look through his pockets and take his shoes.
22:25 It's my watch.
22:28 Back off! I'm this boy's father.
22:35 I thought the old guy was his father.
22:37 No, no, no! This one's my dad. This one right here. The one with the golf club.
22:41 Here. Take the watch.
22:55 I don't want it anymore.
22:57 The quicker we're out of hot springs, the better.
23:04 Oh! Ow!
23:08 No! Keep the distance.
23:11 I just need some air.
23:14 You heard me! I'm having a god dang heart attack!
23:19 Mr. Strickland, get in!
23:21 Get him!
23:23 What are you waiting for, Hank? Go, go, go, go!
23:26 Yeah!
23:29 Come and get me, you stumping bitches!
23:32 Hank, come on, come on, boy! Step on it!
23:38 Yeah! That's right, you backwater hicks!
23:45 You missed book again!
23:48 Woo-hoo!
23:51 So, I guess I'm gonna be punished.
23:55 You're darn right. First of all, you will not be cattying for Mr. Strickland anymore.
24:01 Second of all, you're grounded for the rest of the summer.
24:05 Thanks, Dad.
24:07 Thanks, Dad.
24:09 (Crying)
24:13 (Song ends)
24:16 (Music)
24:22 (Music)
24:26 (Music)
24:29 (Music)
24:52 MEDLEY!!!