Category
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AmusantTranscription
00:00 [music]
00:02 (rock music)
00:04 (upbeat music)
00:07 (upbeat music)
00:09 (bell ringing)
00:22 (upbeat music)
00:27 (upbeat music)
00:30 (upbeat music)
00:32 (upbeat music)
00:35 - Come on, Hank.
01:01 Your mom's spot arrives in half an hour.
01:03 - Hold on, I gotta do a color check.
01:06 Let's see, red, blue, green, white,
01:09 red, blue, green, white, red.
01:11 - Hank, aren't you excited to see your mother?
01:13 - Of course I'm excited to see her.
01:15 I haven't seen her in two years.
01:17 It's the boyfriend I'm worried about.
01:20 - You know, it's about time you got used to this, Hank.
01:25 Your mother told you almost a year ago
01:27 that she had a boyfriend.
01:29 - She said gentleman friend.
01:31 I didn't know it was the same thing.
01:33 I thought they'd just sit and have tea
01:36 and talk about how good the tea is.
01:38 You know, not too hot, that kind of thing.
01:41 - Well, I've never heard your mother so happy.
01:44 Come on, just give this guy a chance.
01:46 - Why, he's just gonna use her like a footstool like dad did.
01:50 (guitar strumming)
01:51 - Rub-a-dub-dub, I think I'm in love.
01:54 - Oh, Hank, you're exaggerating.
01:57 - Not really.
01:59 - Oh, great, look, she's carrying both of the bags
02:02 and he's nowhere to be found.
02:04 - Well, hello, Tilly, how was your flight?
02:06 - Well, it was nice, except that we asked for no meat
02:10 and they served us meat
02:11 and we just can't eat meat since Gary's bypass.
02:15 Oh, Hank, it's so good to see you.
02:17 - Mom, we're in public, one hand only, okay?
02:24 - But I've missed you.
02:26 - Thank you very much.
02:27 - Well, Hank and I cannot wait to meet your new man.
02:30 We didn't know how to spell his name,
02:34 so we don't have a stocking for him.
02:36 - Oh, don't worry, I'm sure he won't even notice
02:40 he's Jewish and they never did that in his family.
02:43 - Do they carry suitcases in his family
02:45 or does he think that's woman's work like dad did?
02:48 - Oh, Hank, Gary's nothing like cotton.
02:51 He's got a big heart.
02:53 Of course, now, the doctors call it enlarged.
02:57 - You're flush and where does it go?
02:59 You must be Peggy.
03:01 - That's right, Peggy.
03:03 It is such a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Kassner.
03:05 - Mr. Kassner's my father.
03:07 Gary, it's Gary.
03:09 Hank, I recognize this from your baby pictures.
03:14 I'm glad to meet you at last, boychick.
03:16 - Hey, hey, let go.
03:19 - Never, never, you'll never get away.
03:22 (gentle music)
03:24 - Mom, I'll put your stuff in the den with Luann.
03:31 Gary, I put a cot in Bobby's room for you.
03:34 - No, no, no, why move everyone around?
03:38 Tilly and I can sleep out here in the living room.
03:40 - (laughs) No, I don't think so.
03:43 - Why, doesn't that couch open up?
03:45 - Yeah, but no.
03:48 - Hank, don't tell me you're uncomfortable
03:51 with the thought of me and Gary sleeping in the same room.
03:54 - I didn't have that thought, Mom.
03:56 You put that thought in my head,
03:58 but now that it's there, you leave me no choice.
04:01 I'm sorry.
04:02 I gotta drive all the way to Houston
04:06 to have Christmas lunch with my dad
04:08 and then drive all the way back here
04:10 to have Christmas dinner with my mom and him.
04:14 - Why do you keep calling him him?
04:17 I just find that odd.
04:19 - I call him Mr. Kassner, keeping it nice and formal.
04:23 - Kassner?
04:24 Is that German?
04:26 - It's Jewish.
04:27 - So, he's Jewish?
04:33 - Yeah, Dale, he's Jewish.
04:36 - There's nothing wrong with that in and of itself.
04:39 - Is he funny?
04:40 - Well, he doesn't seem too funny.
04:42 - Seinfeld's funny.
04:44 - Seinfeld's funnier than Gary.
04:46 - I'll bet Gary, Kassner is it?
04:49 - I'll bet he's funnier than Cotton.
04:51 - Cotton ain't no funny at all, man.
04:52 He got him to POW camp, man.
04:54 I go bamboo shoots, talking about him
04:56 putting him in on his damn little fingernails, man.
04:58 Don't freak me out about that.
05:00 - You know, I thought my mom had learned her lesson
05:02 when she had the good sense to dump my dad,
05:05 but now she's gone and found another guy
05:07 to treat her like a bellboy.
05:09 (laughs)
05:10 - You whoopie Goldberg's funny.
05:12 - You know, the man won't even eat steak.
05:14 Now, what's that about?
05:16 - Hell, my boss has a bypass surgery every year
05:19 and he eats all the damn steak he wants.
05:21 - Oh, that's not the reason Gary doesn't eat steak, Hank.
05:24 It's 'cause the cow is sacred to his people.
05:27 - Nope, you're thinking of the Hindus.
05:29 The pig is sacred to the Jews.
05:32 - Why wouldn't myself never join a religion
05:35 that restricted my diet?
05:37 See, I don't wanna get into heaven that way.
05:39 (gentle music)
05:44 (birds chirping)
05:47 - Hey, we have the same build.
05:49 - Yeah, I guess so, but your skin is a little tighter.
05:53 - Are you a war hero like my biological grandfather?
05:58 - A hero?
05:59 No, no, no.
06:00 I spent most of Korea in a submarine deep in the Pacific.
06:05 I didn't see much action.
06:06 - Hey, when you flush on a submarine, where does it go?
06:10 (laughs)
06:12 - You I like.
06:13 - You said you I like instead of I like you.
06:18 That's funny.
06:19 I like that.
06:20 Wait, that I like.
06:22 (gentle music)
06:26 - Hey, good, good, you're up.
06:39 What is this I'm eating?
06:42 - It's some kind of delicious cutlet.
06:44 - Chicken fried steak.
06:45 - Oh, well, I'm gonna count this on the chicken.
06:48 I'm allowed to have chicken.
06:51 Sit down, let's talk.
06:54 Hank, your mother means a great deal to me.
07:01 It's been a long time since I've had these feelings.
07:06 - Sorry, but now is a bad time.
07:10 This is my program.
07:12 And I just asked you, father,
07:14 to take this man's hiccups to heal him.
07:18 - Oh, you believe in this stuff?
07:23 - Yep, that's right.
07:25 It's my favorite thing.
07:26 So please don't talk to me about anything else right now.
07:29 - Hiccups, be gone.
07:30 Well, I guess there's nothing we can, be gone.
07:35 - I was thinking of picking up a menorah
07:39 so we can celebrate Hanukkah and make Gary feel at home.
07:42 - What?
07:43 - I just think it'd be nice to honor his traditions too.
07:46 Bobby could blow out all the candles
07:48 on Hanukkah Eve and make a wish.
07:50 - No, he's the new guy.
07:52 Why should we change anything for him?
07:54 He hasn't made any offers to change for me.
07:57 Bobby, are you going to the game with us?
08:00 - Basketball, I can take or leave.
08:02 - Excuse me?
08:04 Honey, don't you mean to say I can take or leave basketball?
08:07 - No, mom, Gary taught me this.
08:09 It's the cool new way people from Arizona talk.
08:12 You want I should teach you?
08:14 - Bobby, get your butt in the car.
08:16 - Let's go, let's go!
08:18 If I miss the tip-off,
08:19 I don't know which team is going for which basket.
08:21 - Mom, you're not dressed.
08:25 Didn't somebody tell you
08:26 four of Ireland's players made regionals?
08:28 - I think I'll pass.
08:30 - Fine, whatever.
08:31 I'm just saying an eighth grade like this
08:33 comes along once in a decade.
08:36 (footsteps)
08:38 - It's been a long night without you, puppy.
08:43 - Mister, it's certainly been a long hot night.
08:48 - I got your mistletoe right here.
08:52 - Did you remember to bring the styrofoam finger?
08:57 - Yes, Hank.
08:57 - Does it say number one on it?
08:59 - Yes, Hank.
09:00 - The basketball one?
09:02 - Ugh.
09:04 (tires screeching)
09:06 - Huh, that's my mother's robe.
09:19 Soon as I'm out of sight, he makes her do the laundry.
09:23 This is weird, sounds like the dryer's on,
09:27 but all their clothes are on the floor.
09:30 (thunder rumbling)
09:33 (upbeat music)
09:37 (sighs)
09:39 (sighs)
09:57 (sighs)
10:06 My eyes, I've gone blind.
10:09 (sad music)
10:16 - Hank, is something wrong?
10:32 You look very strange.
10:34 - Well, I guess I'll have to take your word for it.
10:37 I can't see a thing.
10:39 I've gone blind.
10:41 - Oh, good Lord.
10:43 Blind, he's gone now.
10:45 - Yeah, I'm really stumped.
10:48 Your eyes respond to light, the retina's in place,
10:50 and there's no sign of a stroke.
10:53 Mister Hill, I know I've asked you this before,
10:54 but you didn't poke yourself, did you?
10:56 - No, I just went blind for no reason.
10:59 Why is that so hard for you to understand?
11:02 What kind of a doctor are you anyway?
11:04 Will you do something?
11:05 What are all these machines for?
11:07 What about that laser right there?
11:08 Use that laser on my husband right now.
11:10 - All right.
11:11 - Whoa, whoa, I don't need a laser.
11:14 Look, what if somebody saw something really, really wrong?
11:19 Could that affect someone's vision?
11:21 - Was something out of place,
11:23 something where it shouldn't be?
11:24 - Did you open the microwave door before the ding?
11:27 - Just tell me if it's possible.
11:29 - Well, there is a temporary disorder
11:32 called hysterical blindness.
11:34 Someone can see something so horrific,
11:37 like say a brutal murder, that sort of thing,
11:40 that they actually lose their sight.
11:42 Hey, I got a couple of books on it.
11:45 You take 'em, I don't need 'em.
11:46 This condition could last a few days or a few weeks.
11:51 The key to getting better will be to confront what you saw
11:54 and deal with it.
11:56 Unless of course you poked yourself,
11:57 in which case when you're ready to admit it,
11:59 you can come back and I'll fix you right up.
12:01 - Hank, when are you planning on telling me what you saw?
12:09 - I can't say.
12:10 You want me to lose my voice too?
12:13 - How can I help you get better if you don't tell me
12:15 what caused this?
12:16 - So don't help me.
12:17 I'll just be blind.
12:19 I don't care.
12:20 - Is it a thing or a person or a vegetable?
12:24 Hank, just tell me.
12:25 - A person.
12:25 (Hank screams)
12:26 Stop it.
12:27 Stop asking me.
12:29 - When we get home, you can show me on a dog.
12:31 - No.
12:33 All right, I'll tell you,
12:35 but you can't say anything about it to anyone.
12:38 I saw Mom and Gary in the throes of activity.
12:43 - That's it?
12:47 I can't believe you dragged me to a medical doctor for that.
12:52 Well, you get your sight back right now, you big baby.
12:55 - Come on, Peggy, it's not that easy.
12:58 - How would you feel if you saw your mother
13:00 on the kitchen table in the arms of a 65 year old man
13:04 wearing nothing but a submarine tattoo?
13:07 - I eat breakfast on that table.
13:11 (upbeat music)
13:14 What did the doctor say, honey?
13:20 - I poked myself in the eye.
13:22 It's the darndest thing.
13:23 - But what about the other eye?
13:25 - Well, it seems the other eye compensates
13:28 by shutting itself down.
13:30 It's one of nature's wonders.
13:32 - My entire life I've been reading psychology today.
13:35 I never heard of an eye sympathetically shutting down.
13:38 - I've got a magazine you ought to read.
13:40 It's called "The Ten Commandments."
13:43 - Who's he talking to?
13:44 Hank, you want I should come over there?
13:47 - You want I should come over there?
13:49 That is so Arizona.
13:54 - I know what your problem is, Hank.
13:57 Your finger's too big.
13:59 That's why you poked your eye out.
14:02 (laughing)
14:04 - Ha ha ha ha.
14:06 - Hey, Hank, what am I thinking?
14:08 You can't see.
14:11 (laughing)
14:12 You can't see what I'm thinking.
14:15 - I'm not gonna be blind forever, you know.
14:17 And the second I see some ass, I'm kicking it.
14:20 Now no more making fun of my blindness.
14:22 - Huckle duck.
14:24 - Ring, ring.
14:26 Phone for you, Hank.
14:28 (laughing)
14:29 - The joke's on you, funny man.
14:31 (dog barking)
14:34 - I like 'em flat.
14:36 Press harder.
14:37 - Peggy.
14:41 - So, okay.
14:46 Who wants to make cookies?
14:47 (gentle music)
14:51 (groaning)
14:53 (sighing)
15:02 - Jesus, if you're up there,
15:04 what I'd really like for Christmas is my sight back.
15:07 And a wrench set.
15:10 Maybe I should be talking to Santa about that.
15:14 (gentle music)
15:16 (sighing)
15:26 (clapping)
15:27 - What?
15:28 What's going on?
15:28 Did somebody drop a dish?
15:30 - Okay, now we will open the presents.
15:33 - I'll pass 'em out like usual.
15:35 Oh, we got something square.
15:38 Did somebody ask Santa for something square?
15:43 (laughing)
15:44 Here you go, Bobby.
15:46 - Hey, that's for me.
15:51 - He said Bobby.
15:53 Cool, a nightgown.
15:58 I'm gonna wear this when I get older.
16:00 - All right, who's next?
16:02 Ooh, I got a heavy one here.
16:11 - Okay, and here's something for Peggy from Tilly and Me.
16:16 - (gasping) A book, I love a book.
16:19 The Clown Did It,
16:21 movie comics from Buster Keaton to Robin Williams.
16:24 Look, Hank!
16:25 - Oh, I'm awake.
16:27 - Oh, and what do we have here?
16:30 Oh my goodness, another mink coat for Hank.
16:34 (laughing)
16:35 Sorry, Hank, I know that's getting old.
16:37 - That's great there, Gary.
16:40 Thanks for turning my holiday into a Woody Allen special.
16:44 I'm gonna sit in the truck until it's time
16:46 to go to my dad's.
16:48 Where's my finger?
16:49 - Gary, he didn't mean that.
16:57 Please excuse me.
16:58 Hank, stop.
17:05 Hank, if you won't come back in for Gary or your mother,
17:08 at least do it for yourself.
17:10 Now, the doctor told you it was psychological.
17:13 If you run away from your problem,
17:15 you will never get your sight back.
17:17 - Are you gonna drive me to my dad's or not?
17:20 (sighing)
17:25 Honey, I feel better already.
17:27 Every block we put between me and the kitchen table
17:30 is a load off my mind.
17:32 - I meant that.
17:33 Now, where am I going?
17:35 - How-a-what?
17:38 Peggy?
17:39 Where's Peggy?
17:44 Turn this thing around.
17:45 - Peggy asked me to take you.
17:48 And my policy is give a woman what she wants.
17:52 - Stop the truck.
17:54 Let me ride in back in the bed.
17:56 - Don't be silly.
17:57 You'll be much more comfortable inside.
17:59 Here, I'll tell you what you're passing.
18:03 There's one of those big trucks,
18:05 you know, the ones you find on the road,
18:06 a semi, a demi, a couple of dozen wheelers.
18:11 Here, we got a billboard.
18:13 They want us to buy some filing cabinets.
18:14 - Shut up.
18:15 You're driving me insane.
18:17 - Oh, look, a hitchhiker with a beard, a gun, and a dog.
18:21 I think we'll pick him up.
18:22 It may be take you out of this mood you're in.
18:24 He looks like a nice guy.
18:26 - No, no.
18:27 - Look, we can take the dog.
18:29 - No.
18:30 - You'll lick your face, you'll feel better.
18:31 - No, no, no.
18:32 - Don't you like dogs?
18:34 (gentle guitar music)
18:37 - You're late.
18:44 - Dad, it's good to hear your voice.
18:46 - Still blind, huh?
18:48 Or are you faking?
18:49 I'll either you're blind or you're slow.
18:54 I'd believe both.
18:55 What's he selling?
18:56 - Oh, that's just the guy who drove me here.
19:01 Gary Kassner.
19:02 - Kassner?
19:04 Happy Hanukkah.
19:05 I serve with one of your tribe in the Pacific,
19:08 named the Brooklyn.
19:09 You know him?
19:10 - I know a Joe Brook-stein.
19:12 - That's him.
19:14 Well, let's go get a tree, boy.
19:15 - Uh, Dad, I gotta take your shoulder here.
19:19 - Hands off, girly.
19:20 I didn't fight off a bunker full of horny privates
19:23 to let you cop a field.
19:25 (gunshots firing)
19:32 - You know, Dad, it's like old times
19:34 being here on the holidays.
19:37 I gotta say, I really like seeing-
19:38 - You been a chauffeur all your life, Kassner?
19:41 - I've been visiting with Tilly.
19:42 Just thought I'd help out.
19:44 - Tilly?
19:45 My old Tilly?
19:46 - Uh, Dad?
19:47 - My sweet God!
19:50 Is she still around?
19:52 She was too old for me 20 years ago.
19:55 I don't know what year she told you she was, mister,
19:57 but Ad O'Dominer's done rolled over.
20:01 - Dad, it's Christmas.
20:02 It doesn't matter what day it is.
20:04 You don't talk about her like that.
20:06 Tilly's a great woman, a wonderful woman,
20:09 and all you did was dump on her.
20:11 Shame on you!
20:12 If I catch you talking like that again,
20:15 I'll kick your ass!
20:17 - All right, I'm backing down.
20:19 One man's trash is another man's treasure.
20:22 - Hank, I'll wait outside for you.
20:25 (footsteps)
20:27 (door opens)
20:32 (footsteps)
20:34 (door closes)
20:36 - Uh, a little to your left.
20:39 - Thanks, Gary.
20:41 - Oh, you didn't have to leave early on my account.
20:46 - Where's my eggnog?
20:47 Bring me my eggnog!
20:49 - (sighs) No problem.
20:51 (engine rumbling)
20:54 (engine rumbling)
20:56 - Where are we? We're not home yet.
20:58 (engine rumbling)
21:00 - I'm taking you to a place that might help you
21:02 to get your sight back.
21:04 - I've already seen the doctors.
21:06 - No, no, not medicine.
21:08 Faith.
21:10 - No, that's really nice of you to offer
21:12 to share your Jewishness with me,
21:14 but I really don't walk that way.
21:17 - Hank, trust me.
21:19 - Look, it's nothing personal.
21:22 I'm just not crazy about the idea of my God
21:25 seeing me in your God's temple.
21:27 - Hank, I wouldn't take you to a temple without telling you.
21:31 - Then where are we? What's going on?
21:33 - I know you didn't poke yourself in the eye.
21:36 It's not hard to figure out what happened.
21:38 You saw me and your mother in the kitchen.
21:42 I'm not flattered that it made you go blind,
21:45 but obviously it's something psychological with you.
21:48 That's why we're here.
21:50 - Welcome, brothers and sisters,
21:52 and all you prayer partners tuning in at home.
21:54 Welcome to the Canvas Cathedral.
21:57 - Canvas Cathedral?
21:59 The big TV church on the highway?
22:02 - You said it was your favorite.
22:04 - You brought me here?
22:06 - We're celebrating a special birthday today.
22:08 Does anyone know his name?
22:11 He's almost 2,000 years old,
22:13 but he's still going strong.
22:16 I think we should give him a round of applause
22:19 because he's working on his birthday.
22:22 - I don't really believe in this faith-healing stuff,
22:25 but it's a really nice gesture.
22:27 I don't get it. I haven't been that nice to you.
22:30 - Enough, enough.
22:32 I do it because I love your mom.
22:34 - Well, she's very fond of you too,
22:39 and it's not such a bad thing, I'm beginning to think.
22:43 - Oh!
22:47 Hey, hey, no fair. I didn't see you coming.
22:50 Okay.
22:52 Got your jollies by now?
22:55 - He's healing the crippled today on his birthday.
23:02 - He's healing the blind today on his birthday.
23:07 - I got a blind man right here.
23:10 - Is this man your son?
23:12 - I'd like to think maybe one day.
23:16 - Yeah, well, I guess that would be an all right way to be thinking.
23:22 - Blindness, leave this man!
23:33 - I can see.
23:34 - Rattaboy, I knew you could.
23:36 - Amazing grace!
23:38 He was blind and now he sees!
23:41 - We'll be right back after these messages.
23:45 - Hey, Hank, how's the weather?
23:47 Oh, right, you're blind!
23:50 - Oh, now me, now me.
23:52 Hey, Hank, you're not wearing any pants.
23:56 - Man, Hank's a good lad, that old stick man.
24:01 He's walking like he can see again, man.
24:03 Like Hank, kind of looking old spooky, man.
24:05 - Hey, Hank's got a sight, man, run!
24:07 - Get out of here!
24:08 - Oh!
24:09 - Now!
24:10 - Hank!
24:11 - Hey, you want to taste something good?
24:21 Put the mashed potatoes with the cranberries together,
24:24 make a mousseline meringue.
24:26 - This is the best Christmas ever.
24:33 - Very good.
24:36 - Oh, wow.
24:38 I shouldn't eat so much.
24:42 - So moist this turkey is.
24:44 - It's a special occasion, you can have another piece.
24:47 Oh, wow.
24:50 You okay?
24:51 I wonder if he's going to eat that piece.