Category
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AmusantTranscription
00:00 [music]
00:02 [music]
00:31 [music]
00:39 [humming]
00:43 [music]
00:47 [laughing]
00:49 [humming]
00:52 [music]
00:56 [sigh]
00:58 [music]
01:04 Hmm?
01:06 [music]
01:08 No! No! No!
01:11 These are my personal private undergarments. Now the whole neighborhood knows I wear them.
01:16 But I am sorry, Hank. The dryer broke. Again.
01:19 It's actually moistening our clothes now.
01:21 Okay. Okay. We'll buy a new dryer. Just help me get the rest of these down.
01:26 [yells]
01:28 [music]
01:33 Let's buy this one. It's like watching TV, only the show is about wet clothes.
01:39 Hi. You folks have any questions?
01:41 Why, yes I do. [chuckles]
01:43 Could you tell me the difference between an electric dryer and a propane dryer?
01:48 Sure. A propane dryer costs a little more.
01:51 Uh, only at first. When you factor in the lifetime cost of ownership, propane comes out on top.
01:58 Let me run through the numbers. A family of four does three and a half loads a week.
02:03 Hey. Hey.
02:06 Hello, Buckley!
02:08 Hey.
02:09 We need to get promoted to greeter.
02:12 Yes, sir. Hey. Day.
02:14 And if the current trend in electric rates continues, you'll be glad you did.
02:20 Here's my card in case you have any other questions.
02:23 Can we just take the spin more, please?
02:25 Would you be interested in applying for a Megalo card?
02:28 No, thanks. The last thing I need is another credit card. I've already got one.
02:35 Hold on. No money down, no interest for six months, and 10% off our first purchase.
02:42 10% off? Well, Chuck Mangione supports it, and his diet shakes did okay by me.
02:53 Hi, Lou Anne.
02:54 Hi, Bobby.
02:56 Hi, Buckley.
03:00 He's on break.
03:02 Where's Uncle Hank and Aunt Peggy?
03:04 Oh, I thought I'd give them some time alone so they could, you know...
03:10 What?
03:11 You know. Buy me a birthday present. I mean, that's why we're here, isn't it?
03:18 I don't think so. Your birthday's not till next month.
03:22 Think about it, Lou Anne.
03:24 Why would you bring a child to a department store to buy a dryer when his birthday is three and a half weeks away?
03:30 It just doesn't make sense.
03:32 They're watching me, trying to get into my head, see what I really want in a present.
03:38 No, I'm pretty sure we're just buying a dryer.
03:42 Okay, Lou Anne. When Mom and Dad get done buying the dryer, tell them I'm over by the dirt bikes, holding a Toblerone.
03:56 Hey.
03:58 Okay, Mr. Hill, your credit has been rejected?
04:01 Huh? But why?
04:03 Well, the computer doesn't say. I'm sorry. Next!
04:07 Hold on a minute. You made a mistake. I have perfect credit.
04:11 I think I recognize a frowny face when I see one.
04:15 Hank, why don't we just pay with a check?
04:18 Uh, sorry, we can't take checks from people with bad credit.
04:24 I'm having the time of my life, and it's on sale!
04:30 Thanks for trying, Melinda, but I'm pretty sure you can't just look up my credit unless I send some kind of permission letter to my credit bureau.
04:38 Nah, it's a piece of cake. All you need is a ten dollar processing fee.
04:42 I'll just deduct that from your paycheck.
04:45 Mr. Strickland, I was just, uh...
04:48 Hank's got bad credit.
04:50 Well, there's the right hair in your tuna. Seems like you're in the whole $40 to Ireland video.
04:57 What?
05:00 It says I owe $40, and that can't be true. I always bring back my tapes.
05:05 Look for yourself. I've returned the great Santini 23 times.
05:10 Okay. Hank Hill, June 23rd. Yeah, you rented and never returned Cuffs and Collars.
05:16 I've never even heard of that. Have you?
05:18 Uh-uh. Unless it's got the name Merchant Ivory or Billy Crystal above the title, I am not interested.
05:25 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. They're buying me a movie for my birthday. That's why we're here, right?
05:32 Really, Bobby? They haven't said anything.
05:35 Bobby, you ever heard of a movie called Cuffs and Collars?
05:39 Ooh, I think that's the one with the two cops who don't get along, but then they do, but it's too late 'cause he's dead, but not really.
05:47 So you've seen it?
05:48 No.
05:50 How about you, Luan?
05:51 Mm-mm. Oh, no, you're not getting a movie, Bobby. You are so smooth.
06:00 Nope, we didn't rent it. So if you could please erase the $40 and penalize yourself, whatever you think is fair, we'll be on our way.
06:09 I am sorry, but the computer won't let me erase anything until you either return the tape or pay the $40.
06:15 I told you I didn't rent the tape. Now, who's calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I want to know who's ass to kick.
06:22 I'm not calling you a liar, sir.
06:24 Fine. Now, where's the ass on this thing?
06:27 I need a dryer, Hank. Just pay for the tape.
06:31 Absolutely not. I won't pay for someone else's screw-up. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if that tape was sitting on the shelf right now.
06:40 Where would Cuffs and Collars be? Action-adventure? Action-comedy? Action-action?
06:47 Make a left.
06:48 Okay.
06:50 How could they think I'd rent a stag film, Peggy? I'm married.
07:08 I think we should just pay.
07:10 No! I've got to prove my innocence. Now, wasn't June 23rd the day I went to my dad's and installed grab bars in his shower?
07:19 Nope. June 23rd, I played Boggle at Nancy's and left you home. Alone.
07:26 Peggy, you don't think I actually rented...
07:30 Oh, Hank, I don't care if you did or you didn't.
07:32 Well, you should care, because I didn't.
07:35 Oh, really, Hank? It doesn't matter.
07:37 It does matter. It's important you believe me when I say I didn't rent the tape.
07:43 Honey, okay, I believe you. Now, I just have one question. Did you rent the tape?
07:49 No!
07:50 All right, then. But whether you did or you didn't, I still think we should just pay.
07:55 The last thing I want is for people to be talking about this, especially in front of Bobby.
08:00 Louette, Louette! It's even better than I thought. Mom and Dad are throwing me a surprise party.
08:09 So, Nancy tells me she ran into John Redcorn at the video store.
08:16 The two of them heard you complaining about some porno tape you lost.
08:21 Yeah, man, talking about that dang old cuffs and collars, man.
08:24 Like when they come over to clean that pool, man, it starts going...
08:29 Quit it! I didn't rent that movie.
08:32 I'm glad, I'm glad I'm not the only one who is disgusted by pornography.
08:39 It's offensive, it's demeaning, it creates a standard of idealized beauty that your average man can't compete with.
08:49 Don't worry, Bill, I'm not gonna let my credit and good name be done in by a damn computer error.
08:55 Computers don't make errors. What they do, they do on purpose.
09:01 By now your name and particulars have been fed into every laptop, desktop, mainframe and supermarket scanner
09:08 that collectively make up the global information conspiracy otherwise known as "The Beast."
09:14 Dale, I'm having a problem with one videotape, not some kind of high-tech boogeyman.
09:21 You just be careful. Computers have already beaten the communists at chess.
09:26 Next thing you know, they'll be beating humans.
09:30 Strickland Propane, taste the meat, not the heat.
09:36 Hello, Hank?
09:37 Speaking.
09:38 How you doing? It's Matt!
09:40 Oh, hey, Matt, how you been?
09:44 Pretty good, pretty good.
09:46 Uh-huh.
09:47 So, uh, how's, um...
09:50 Peggy!
09:51 Uh, she's fine, and how's, uh...
09:54 Do I know you?
09:56 Hank, if you like cuffs and collars, you're gonna love Rugburn 2,
09:59 and by Rugburn 2, I mean Rugburn also. Rugburn 2 isn't very good.
10:03 What? But who is this?
10:05 You know, Matt, from Consenting Adults, the country's largest supplier of mail-order adult entertainment.
10:10 So how many can I put you down for?
10:12 Zero! God, please, watch your mouth! This is an interstate phone line!
10:17 How did you get this number?
10:19 Not important.
10:20 What is important is that we have a bigger selection and lower prices than Arlen Video.
10:24 What? Arlen Video told you I rent pornography?
10:28 Uh, uh...
10:30 Who plays the most hits?
10:33 Why, 104!
10:35 Yeah, okay.
10:36 Crazy morning zoo.
10:40 [Dramatic music]
11:06 Shame on you, Hank Hill!
11:09 What you do in the privacy of your own home is disgusting enough,
11:14 but to let it spill out into our streets where my future children will someday play?
11:22 Well, that is going too far.
11:25 Shame!
11:27 Shame!
11:33 I would like the luxury of vomiting on myself right now,
11:37 but I don't have any clean clothes to change into.
11:40 Would you just pay the bill so I can get a new dryer?
11:43 It's too late. The Beast's already got him in its jaws.
11:47 Your only way out is to start life over with a new identity.
11:51 If you want, I can get you the birth certificate of a child who died in 1953.
11:56 It's hardly been used.
11:58 No, I am not a quitter!
12:01 Who's not a quitter?
12:03 My dead friend Hank Hill, or my new friend Rusty Shackleford?
12:08 Look, just help me get this smut back to the post office.
12:13 Bobby! Do not get off the bus!
12:19 Look at all those cards and gifts.
12:22 This is gonna be the best birthday ever.
12:26 Next!
12:30 Uh, yes. These magazines and, uh, equipment were delivered to my home.
12:37 I want you to return to sender and take my name off these mailing lists.
12:42 No, post office can't take you off a mailing list.
12:45 You need to call the company you bought your pornography from and--
12:48 I don't buy pornography! I don't want this! Take it back!
12:56 If you want to file a complaint, fill out this form. We'll enter it in the computer and--
13:01 No! No forms, no computers. We were never here. Don't feed the beast.
13:07 Mr. Hank Hill, you threw out your mail, son.
13:11 Don't you want to prolong your love-making pleasure for just pennies a night, Mr. Hank?
13:17 Gimme that! Don't you people understand?
13:20 If I don't fight, someday it could be your name on these... plugs.
13:25 I'm doing this for all of you!
13:28 Do you know this guy?
13:30 No dadgum way, man. It's just some dirty old man hanging around with sex toys.
13:35 Back in my place, if you're interested.
13:37 Boomhauer? No! I can do without Bill by my side. He brings nothing to this fight. But you?
13:44 You should have seen this coming, Hank. One by one, your friends will desert you.
13:50 I'll be next.
13:53 Now, Dale, this stuff about the beast. You made all that up, right?
14:00 Of course you did.
14:01 Oh, no. Everything has been foretold in the book of revelations.
14:07 Uh, you just stepped in a diaper.
14:10 Dammit, it's the vice squad. They must have followed us.
14:14 Quick, Dale, bury the-- Dale?
14:20 Uh, sir, this is municipal dump. All garbage must-- Wait a minute.
14:26 This superglide is oil-based. That's a petroleum byproduct. You can't throw that out here.
14:33 Same with the batteries in your vibrator.
14:35 This is not my vi-- And it's not a-- It's a wand massager. It says so right on the box.
14:42 All right. Give me your license. I'm gonna run you through the computer.
14:48 The compu-- Uh, I don't have my license on me at the moment.
14:54 But I can tell you that I was born in 1953. As a child, I was quite ill.
15:02 Surprise!
15:15 What? I had no idea. When did you plan this?
15:20 How was that, Luann?
15:23 Let's try it again.
15:24 I'm playing with the queen of hearts. You know she isn't very smart.
15:33 What the hell?
15:35 Peggy, thank God you're here.
15:42 Hello, I'm Hank Hill, and I'd like you to sign my petition.
15:46 Hank Hill, I want you to get in the car right now before the whole town sees you.
15:50 No! I am not a quitter, and I don't rent pornography.
15:55 I'm begging you, Hank. Pay the $40. We will buy a new dryer, and you can finally change your underwear.
16:02 Honey, it's the right thing to do.
16:04 Not until I prove my innocence once and for all.
16:08 That's why I'm taking Arlen Video to small claims court, Peggy. I'm putting the whole system on trial.
16:15 You have not heard a word I've said. What do I have to do to get through to you?
16:20 Do I have to take off my shirt and dance like the women in your movies?
16:23 I don't rent those movies!
16:26 Hank, if you want to keep up your silly little battle, then you go it alone.
16:31 I am sorry.
16:33 I am sorry.
16:34 Oh, huh? Hmm?
16:57 Oh, man, his trial is tomorrow, and he's going in there with nothing but six honks and one signature.
17:03 And that's on his leg. Darn taggers.
17:07 It's sad, really. All he wanted was for his clothes to be dry.
17:11 Yep.
17:12 Yep.
17:13 Oh, yeah.
17:26 Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!
17:31 Mom! Look what Dad got me!
17:45 There's cuffs and collars and a whole bunch of other cop movies.
17:49 Jailbait, Injury.
17:52 How dare you try to expose my son to these, uh, police tapes that are so degrading to, uh, law enforcement officials.
18:02 You never saw these.
18:04 Gotcha. It's a surprise.
18:07 Don't worry, I didn't read the card.
18:18 I believe you, Hank. The answer is in the tapes. A friend.
18:24 Hmm.
18:26 I need these back when you're done. A friend.
18:46 Huh. Okay.
18:49 Dad, did somebody call a plumber?
18:56 Come on in. I'll show you where the leak is.
18:59 Oh! Not, no, not, oh, oh, God.
19:10 You want me to frisk you? What kind of cop are you?
19:16 A bad one.
19:19 Bobby, for the love of God, get out of the house!
19:29 Okay.
19:31 My mom told us to stay away for three hours.
19:37 My birthday party must be today!
19:40 Oh! Then I guess this haircut is free.
19:44 I'm still supposed to charge you for the shampoo.
19:47 Here, let me hold that.
19:50 Thanks, officer. Say, are you a mounted police?
19:54 Not yet.
19:55 But a girl can dream.
19:57 Wait a minute. That's it! That's it! Ha, ha, ha! Yeah, that's it! Ha, ha, ha!
20:07 You are hereby ordered to pay damages in the amount of $1.50 and return the plane to sunglasses.
20:14 Ha, ha.
20:16 Next case. Hank Hill versus Arlen Video.
20:23 Mr. Hill, you allege that you have been the target of systematic harassment
20:28 at the hands of a major international computer conspiracy known as "The Beast."
20:34 That is correct, your honor.
20:36 Mr. Hill, why don't you just pay the $40?
20:40 Because I did not rent the tape, and I can prove it.
20:45 It's pretty quiet, and there are no cars.
20:49 I wonder where the magician parked.
21:02 They must be in my bedroom.
21:05 Surprise!
21:10 Cuffs and collars. The tape I never rented.
21:24 68 minutes into the film, actress Dee Dee Cuff bends over to shoe her horse.
21:31 Now, if you pause the tape and look closely,
21:34 you can just make out a tattoo on Dee Dee's left buttock that reads, "I heart Charlie Sheen."
21:42 Mrs. Cuff also makes an uncredited cameo in "Jailbait,"
21:47 a tape which marks veteran porn star Fernanda Valli's return to the adult film industry
21:54 on the occasion of her 18th birthday.
21:57 Now, at the 70-minute mark, Dee Dee bends over to shoe a donkey.
22:03 What do we see on her left buttock?
22:06 Nothing. There is no tattoo.
22:10 This can only mean that "Jailbait" was made before "Cuffs and Collars."
22:16 Now, why is this important?
22:19 Because Fernanda Valli turned 18 on July 5th,
22:24 two weeks after I supposedly rented "Cuffs and Collars."
22:30 Is it possible that I walked into Arlen Video on June 23rd
22:35 and rented a movie that didn't even exist?
22:39 I think not.
22:42 I rule in favor of the plaintiff.
22:48 Arlen Video is hereby ordered to remove the debt from its computer.
22:54 And let the record show that Mr. Hank Hill really knows his pornography.
23:00 Thank you, Your Honor.
23:02 You did it, Hank. You won.
23:12 Oh, we can finally put this nightmare behind us.
23:15 Oh, no. This isn't over yet.
23:20 [Click]
23:22 [Gulp]
23:30 Approved!
23:33 The dryer is yours.
23:35 [Glass shatters]
23:37 I can't believe they forgot my birthday.
23:42 Oh, don't worry. They still got a whole month to remember.
23:47 [Cheering]
23:50 You got me, Luann. You knew the whole time, didn't you?
23:56 Yeah. [Giggles] Yeah.
24:00 I don't believe it. A dryer! It's perfect!
24:05 Yep.
24:07 This is the best birthday ever.
24:16 [Music]
24:20 [Music]
24:23 [Music]
24:29 [Music]
24:36 [Music]
24:46 [Music]
24:49 That gun'll...