Category
😹
AmusantTranscription
00:00 [MUSIC]
00:10 [MUSIC]
00:20 Come on baby, turn over, you can do it.
00:37 Turn over baby, come on, come on.
00:40 Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
00:43 [LAUGH]
00:48 I think my mower won't start, mind if I borrow yours?
00:52 >> [LAUGH] Almost turned over, didn't she?
00:54 >> [LAUGH] Yeah, she was teasing me.
00:57 >> [LAUGH] You didn't try to start it, Dale, there were no engine noises.
01:03 >> I'll try to start it.
01:05 Can I borrow some gas?
01:06 >> Don't waste my gas, we both know it's not gonna start.
01:10 >> Then why must you torture me like this?
01:13 >> Now that's where I want the tank when it comes back, with gas,
01:19 not water this time.
01:21 >> That was alcohol.
01:23 [SOUND]
01:29 >> So I tapped him on the shoulder and said with a straight face,
01:33 maybe you wanna put a little lacquer in that varnish.
01:36 [LAUGH] Long story short, he put some lacquer in it.
01:42 Wait a minute, I know that engine.
01:45 [MUSIC]
01:48 Damn it, Dale.
01:50 >> Hank, I'm only halfway done, you can't go out looking like that.
01:54 [SOUND]
01:59 >> Hey, I'm gonna borrow your drill.
02:07 >> Where's my mower?
02:09 >> So you wanna know where your mower is?
02:12 >> Yes.
02:13 >> It ran out of gas down past the gas station.
02:16 I'll help you pick it up tomorrow.
02:18 >> You're not touching my mower ever again.
02:20 You left it out in the street where any weirdo could just rub up against it.
02:24 >> Hank, what would weirdos be doing near the gas station?
02:30 What would weirdos be doing near the gas station?
02:37 [SOUND]
02:45 >> My God.
02:48 >> What does it say?
02:49 >> Nothing.
02:53 >> Hank, you know I didn't finish mowing my lawn.
02:56 >> Don't even ask if you could borrow my mower, Dale.
03:01 >> Like I would borrow that piece of junk.
03:04 Boom Hour, can I borrow your mower?
03:07 >> I tell you what, man, I'm gonna load my Monopoly set, man, and
03:09 come back and I'm gonna dangle top hats, gone, I'm gonna bar,
03:12 boardwalk out of mustard stains, I'm gonna park place too, man.
03:15 I'm gonna dangle mom coming over and end up playing Stratego, man.
03:19 >> Bill, can I borrow your mower?
03:21 >> Okay.
03:22 >> Like I would borrow that piece of junk.
03:24 >> Mm-hm.
03:25 [MUSIC]
03:33 >> What are you looking at?
03:36 >> Your fly is down.
03:37 >> It's my yard.
03:40 [BLANK_AUDIO]
03:46 >> Yep, yep.
03:48 >> Mm-hm.
03:50 >> Dale probably doesn't wanna show his face, his lawn being so shaggy and all.
03:55 He's feeling like less than a man, castrated, you know, I've been there.
04:00 >> Well, don't feel sorry for Dale.
04:02 Dale abused our trust.
04:04 >> Hm, my gosh, did you, can it be?
04:10 It is a, no, it's Dale on a new mower.
04:15 [MUSIC]
04:17 >> Say hello to the Allegro X9J,
04:21 code named Redeemer at the Mason Mower Skunk Works inside Mount Hood.
04:26 73 decibels, a twin barrel, four stroke,
04:30 war cry, all at a price I can't really afford.
04:35 [LAUGH]
04:37 >> She's a beauty, Dale.
04:39 Did you get a good trade in on your old one?
04:41 >> That thing, I pushed it into a lake three months ago.
04:44 >> You look so manly sitting up there.
04:48 Can I take her for a spin?
04:50 >> Yeah, I'm pretty sure that would violate the warranty, Bill.
04:56 >> Oh, come on, Dale, you use things more than everything I have.
05:00 Yeah.
05:01 [SOUND]
05:04 >> That is a watertight seal.
05:06 I can mow my lawn in a hurricane.
05:09 Can you mow your lawn in a hurricane, Bill?
05:12 >> I don't know.
05:12 >> You can't mow your lawn in a hurricane.
05:16 Can you, Boom Hour?
05:17 >> I tell you what, man, I've been telling them about the pause tracking going on,
05:20 man, a little choke hold, man, it started doing that.
05:22 >> Bull corn.
05:23 [SOUND]
05:26 >> Almost forgot.
05:27 Hank, can you mow your lawn in a hurricane?
05:29 Nope, didn't think so.
05:30 [LAUGH]
05:31 [SOUND]
05:33 [MUSIC]
05:35 [SOUND]
05:36 [MUSIC]
05:44 [SOUND]
05:45 >> How do I know it's Jack Ruby's hat?
05:49 Well, if I'm gonna spend money on it, I gotta know it's Jack Ruby's hat.
05:55 All right, what colors does it come in?
05:58 [SOUND]
05:59 [LAUGH]
06:01 Next time it might not be a BB.
06:05 I know what you're here for.
06:07 >> Dale, this isn't how I wanted you to find out.
06:11 >> Quit screwing around with my mower.
06:15 >> You've gotta be kidding.
06:17 >> I don't kid about my mower.
06:19 Now get inside and start massaging my wife.
06:23 >> He's taking some of the fun out of this.
06:26 [SOUND]
06:31 >> If Dale watered down the gas again.
06:35 >> Nope, this soda pop, Hank.
06:39 That's just grease.
06:41 [SOUND]
06:43 >> Race you around the block.
06:45 >> You wrecked my mower with your damn soda.
06:48 >> It's Mr. Pibb.
06:50 >> I heard Bobby say he did it.
06:52 Said he had a score to settle with you.
06:55 Something about a woman.
06:57 [SOUND]
06:58 >> I think something bad is about to happen to that mower.
07:02 >> Oh, I doubt that, Hank.
07:04 It's a brand new mower.
07:08 Oh, I get it.
07:11 >> All right, I'll tell you.
07:13 >> Thank you, Hank.
07:15 >> 'Cause once you ride a mason, vroom, vroom.
07:22 Nothing else cuts it.
07:25 [SOUND]
07:27 >> You gonna talk or you gonna mow?
07:33 [MUSIC]
07:49 >> No!
07:58 No!
08:07 [MUSIC]
08:08 >> Hank, my mower's gone.
08:12 Somebody stole my mower.
08:15 Tell me you saw something.
08:17 You're the neighborhood snoop.
08:19 >> Well, I did find these lying around.
08:22 >> [SCREAM]
08:25 Look at the date on that paper.
08:27 That's tomorrow's newspaper.
08:31 Who would have access to a paper from the future, you might ask?
08:36 The paper boy.
08:40 >> That's today's paper, Dale.
08:43 The date on my watch has been set incorrectly.
08:47 When did the paper boy have access to my watch?
08:55 Ugh.
08:58 Ah, it's probably halfway to Mexico.
09:01 That is a Mexican dog.
09:04 >> Oh, you think that dog did it?
09:07 That dog is up to no good.
09:10 >> Hang in there, Dale.
09:12 Even if you never get to see your mower again, you'll still have the brochure.
09:17 >> Thanks.
09:18 You know, you guys are my best friends.
09:28 >> [LAUGHING]
09:30 The joke's always been on me.
09:34 All my life, folks were always playing jokes on me.
09:38 And no wonder. It's fun.
09:44 This isn't some kind of elaborate joke on me, is it?
09:57 >> I found this on our doorstep.
10:01 >> That's my oil filter.
10:05 >> Suge, I'm not a licensed bounty hunter, but shouldn't they either ask for ransom or stop sending you clues?
10:12 >> Why would someone senselessly torture me unless they were my enemies?
10:23 Boil up some Mountain Dew.
10:25 It's gonna be a long night.
10:34 >> Huh.
10:40 >> [COUGHING]
10:41 Dad's a thief.
10:43 Mom, can I check his drawers for that Hot Wheels I lost?
10:47 >> Hank, Bobby tells me we have a new vehicle in the garage.
10:51 Maybe you would like to explain to your son why you stole your best friend's mower?
10:55 >> Oh.
10:56 [LAUGHING]
10:57 Uh, well, you see, Bobby, this isn't stealing.
11:03 We were gonna give it back after we made Mr. Gribble...
11:08 Sometimes things that are jokes seem a little mean, but they're actually funny.
11:15 >> Oh, I see.
11:17 Kind of like when they fed the fourth-grade gerbil to the fifth-grade snake.
11:22 >> No, Bobby, this is fun.
11:24 It's not mean or dishonest.
11:27 But don't tell Joseph, okay?
11:29 >> Bobby, honey, go play outside.
11:31 Your father and I have something to discuss.
11:41 >> All right, we can use Photoshop and make it look like Lee Harvey Oswald's riding on his mower.
11:50 >> Have you been sleeping, Dale?
11:52 You got kind of that county fair smell.
11:55 >> Check it out.
11:57 It's finally making sense.
11:59 Oswald, mower, grassy, no.
12:05 >> That photo doesn't even look real, Dale.
12:08 >> Well, I'd like to live in your fairy tale world, Hank,
12:14 but the fair play for Cuba Committee is retrofitting my mower's engine to power Fidel Castro's one-man escape sub.
12:24 >> Huh, Dale, why don't you relax?
12:27 Have a beer.
12:28 >> No beer.
12:29 Gotta stay sharp.
12:34 >> He's going crazy.
12:39 >> Yeah, man, I tell you what, me and that dang old Margo kid are wandering around in a cardboard box.
12:46 Wee, wee!
12:48 >> Yeah, but I think we ought to give the mower back.
12:52 We're putting extra stress on a structure that wasn't up to code in the first place.
12:58 Let's tell them it was us.
13:00 >> Well, that's easy for you to say.
13:02 It's not your naked butt in that picture.
13:05 >> You took the money.
13:08 >> Still.
13:20 >> It's me, Shag.
13:21 >> Nancy?
13:22 All right, I'll buzz you in.
13:28 [Buzzing]
13:33 >> Shouldn't you get some sleep?
13:35 >> Sleep?
13:36 I've never felt so alive.
13:43 This is where all the preparation pays off.
13:49 The binging, the purging, the constant inoculations.
13:53 [Phone ringing]
13:57 >> It's me.
14:05 They know I'm getting close.
14:08 >> Shug, you've got to get up early to kill the termite larva at the college.
14:13 You're not going to stay down here all night, are you?
14:16 >> Time has no meaning for me.
14:18 What is it, 1 a.m., 3 a.m.?
14:22 >> It's 6.
14:24 >> A.m.?
14:26 >> No.
14:27 >> Oh.
14:28 Is dinner ready?
14:31 >> I was going to have Jane Fonda observing the autopsy.
14:34 What do you think, is that too much?
14:36 The boy at Kinko's said it was too much.
14:41 >> Well, when he gets home, tell him it was all a joke and the mower was comfortably lubricated at all times.
14:48 >> Okay.
14:49 I don't know why you'd want to fool Dale like that.
14:52 I mean, it's not hard if you're somebody he trusts.
14:58 But, hey, whatever turns you on, that's what I always say.
15:05 >> You're going to have to speak clearer.
15:07 All right, listen, whatever it is that you're eating, Bill, take it out.
15:10 Out!
15:11 Out!
15:12 Take it out!
15:13 Okay.
15:14 That's better.
15:15 Thank you.
15:16 Uh-huh.
15:17 Hank, it's Bill.
15:18 He says Dale's gone crazy.
15:20 >> Huh?
15:21 >> I was at junior college playing some pinball with the boys and Dale's up in the tower.
15:26 He's up there with a gun.
15:28 >> I'll be right there.
15:29 Don't call the police unless Dale starts shooting.
15:32 >> Okay.
15:34 I already called the police.
15:40 >> What the?
15:41 Clear the area.
15:42 Go, go, go.
15:43 Get some sharpshooters on the roof across the street now!
15:57 >> Where is he?
15:58 Is he still up in the tower?
16:00 >> Who, the sniper?
16:01 >> He's not a sniper.
16:02 He's my friend.
16:04 Dale wouldn't shoot anybody.
16:05 >> But he is president of the gun club.
16:08 >> Yes, he is president.
16:12 But only because he owns the most guns.
16:18 >> Yep, it's all a big joke, isn't it?
16:20 Until someone gets hurt.
16:23 >> Mr. Kripple, we have the tower surrounded.
16:26 Put down your gun.
16:35 It's just a wand.
16:53 >> That's right, Dale.
16:54 Show 'em who's boss.
16:58 >> The police aren't trained for this.
17:00 Let's go, gun club.
17:02 >> But Dale's our president.
17:04 We can't let the gun vote for him.
17:06 >> I have a hostage, a Rusty Shackleford.
17:11 Give him what he wants.
17:14 >> I can't see the hostage.
17:16 >> There is no hostage.
17:17 Rusty Shackleford is the fake name he orders pizza with.
17:21 Look, here's his mower.
17:23 >> This way, sir.
17:25 >> Just tell him you've got his mower and that it's safe.
17:30 >> We have your mower.
17:32 >> I know that, Fidelito.
17:35 Hank, I was right.
17:37 These Cubans have my mower.
17:39 Watch out.
17:41 >> Please, this is my fault.
17:44 Dale, come down here before somebody gets hurt.
17:48 >> Too late.
17:50 I killed Shackleford.
17:54 No, no, correction.
17:56 Shackleford wants a pizza.
17:59 >> What the hell's going on up there?
18:01 >> And I want my mower back with enough gas to get to Canada.
18:06 >> What does the book say?
18:08 >> I don't know.
18:09 Maybe tear gas.
18:12 >> Apology, I want the CIA to sell off its fantastic hair styling subsidiary.
18:26 Is that all you got?
18:29 I use stronger than this to kill squirrels.
18:38 >> Hey, yo, Dale, man, come on, man.
18:40 What are you doing up there?
18:41 Man, that old common crazy, man.
18:42 Come on down, man.
18:43 I ain't saying that to no old kid.
18:45 >> Boom hour, if I ever heard anyone reading a script, that was it.
19:01 >> Wait, no.
19:02 Let me go up there.
19:03 He'll listen to me.
19:05 >> Gee, Hank, I think you'd be the person Dale would most want to kill.
19:09 >> Hank, I loved Dale, too, but the Dale we knew no longer exists.
19:15 Now there's just a bloodthirsty mad dog out to kill, kill, kill.
19:20 >> Officer, please, let me go.
19:25 >> If he starts freaking out, just duck, and we'll shoot him in the head.
19:29 >> Don't shoot him in the head.
19:31 >> Book says head.
19:38 >> Hey, Dale?
19:39 Dale, it's Hank Hill, your friend.
19:43 Our third grade teacher was Mr. St. George.
19:54 I knew it.
19:56 There's no gun, so you can all go home now.
19:59 Drive safely.
20:01 >> We're not quite done here.
20:04 Why don't you bring Mr. Sniper down, and we'll talk this over?
20:08 >> No, that's their plan.
20:10 One shot on the way down eliminates the gribble problem.
20:14 Then the Cuban robot soldiers have only Steve Wynn standing between them and Wichita.
20:21 >> Dale, there are no robots, and there are no Cubans.
20:25 >> If there are no Cubans, how do you account for Desi Arnaz?
20:29 >> Okay, there are Cubans, but they had nothing to do with--
20:34 All right, you want to know what happened?
20:37 When you got your mower, you were sort of acting like a jerk, and, well, I'm not proud of what I did, but--
20:44 >> Mr. Hill, move six inches to your left to clear a path for the you-know-what into Mr. Gribble's head.
20:52 >> No!
20:53 >> Listen, Dale, we're the ones who took your mower.
20:57 Bill Boomhauer and me, your friends.
21:00 It was my idea.
21:02 >> Uh... wha-- what are you saying?
21:06 >> Mr. Hill, you dropped something.
21:09 Don't you want to bend down and--
21:10 >> Cut it out!
21:12 Please, Dale, come on down before you get yourself killed.
21:16 >> I don't believe you.
21:18 The only possible scenarios are Castro's escaped sub or you took it, and you would never betray me.
21:27 >> We took it, Dale.
21:30 You, uh, wrote your name under the seat, called yourself a colonel.
21:37 It was just a joke.
21:39 >> Jokes start with "knock, knock," or "what do you get when you cross up?"
21:46 >> You know, you used to be on my list of trustables, and it was a very short list.
21:52 I wasn't even on it.
21:54 But now, I just don't know.
21:59 I guess you're not my friend.
22:02 >> Dale, if I could do it again, I'd--
22:06 Hey, what the heck is that?
22:08 I am, too, your friend.
22:10 I'm as good a friend as a weirdo like you is ever gonna have.
22:14 Now, come on, we're running out of time.
22:16 Do you trust me or not?
22:18 >> Attention, men in police suits.
22:33 I have decided to trust your patsy, my good friend Hank Hill.
22:39 >> Not yet.
22:44 >> I'm coming down.
22:46 If you're going to shoot me, I want Bobby Hill to take the shot, because Bobby will put me down clean.
22:53 >> Okay.
22:55 >> Stay calm.
23:00 If they were gonna shoot you, they'd have done it already.
23:03 >> They want me to wet my pants from fear, but they're too late.
23:09 [gunshots]
23:15 >> Who's that?
23:16 >> Vigilante!
23:18 [gunshot]
23:19 >> Oh!
23:21 >> Hank!
23:22 >> There he is, up on the roof!
23:24 >> Hank, no!
23:25 Uh, Hank, no, don't-- don't die!
23:29 Oh, God, you're dying.
23:31 Ugh.
23:32 I'll never forget you, Hank.
23:34 I will bury you in my backyard.
23:37 I'll-- I'll dedicate my life to propane.
23:41 And don't you worry about Peggy.
23:43 I'll keep Bill away from her.
23:46 >> I'm fine, Dale.
23:48 But if you're serious about the propane, I've got some pamphlets--
23:51 >> You're fine!
23:54 You're wearing a bulletproof vest.
23:57 You thought I was gonna shoot you.
24:00 >> Well, that, or spray me with poisonous chemicals.
24:04 >> I thought you'd kill yourself right after.
24:08 >> I would have to.
24:12 [music ends]
24:15 [upbeat music]
24:23 [music continues]
24:27 [music continues]
24:53 Can you mow your lawn in a hurricane? Nope, didn't think so.