Category
😹
AmusantTranscription
00:00 [music]
00:02 [music]
00:09 [music]
00:16 [music]
00:23 [music]
00:30 [music]
00:38 Did you win?
00:39 Sorry. Please drink another beer.
00:42 That's what I call losing the battle but winning the war.
00:46 Hurry up, Hank. Finish your beer. It could be the winning Alamo beer again.
00:51 Bill, the odds of winning that contest are one in a million.
00:55 Yeah, if you only drink one beer.
00:58 [soda can opening]
00:59 [soda can slurping]
01:01 [soda can slurping]
01:05 Imagine, Hank, a trip to New Orleans, a chance to meet dandy Don Meredith,
01:12 and win one of those really big cardboard checks.
01:16 [soda can opening]
01:18 Sorry. Please drink another beer.
01:22 Well, they asked nicely.
01:25 [music]
01:26 Sorry. Please drink another beer.
01:30 [soda can opening]
01:31 That made some room.
01:33 Well, I think I'm going to call it a night.
01:36 Pour it on the ground. See if you want.
01:39 I have never poured out beer, even to put out a grass fire.
01:44 [music]
01:59 Hi, Uncle Hank.
02:01 Luann?
02:03 [music]
02:19 [laughing]
02:23 First of all, you didn't win anything.
02:26 Uh-uh. I won a million dollars.
02:29 No, the contest gives the winner the right to go to the Dallas Cowboys-New Orleans Saint game
02:35 and throw a football through a small hole in a large beer can for a million dollars.
02:40 Or have Dallas Cowboys legend Don Meredith throw it to win $100,000.
02:45 If you'd read the point of purchase display at 7-Eleven, you'd know that.
02:50 Okay, so I throw the ball through the hole, and then I win.
02:54 No, I paid for that beer, so it's mine.
02:58 Let's just say it is your beer. How old are you?
03:03 Nineteen and a half.
03:05 Exactly. If you tried to claim your prize, you'd be incarcerated for underage drinking.
03:10 So if it's your beer, you'd get to go to jail.
03:13 Now, if it's my beer, you get to come to New Orleans with us.
03:17 Your call.
03:18 New Orleans? [laughing]
03:21 So, Hank, what are you going to do with the hundred thou?
03:24 Of course, you could go for the million dollars. [laughing]
03:31 You know, I don't think a civilian's ever made a ten-yard pass through a one-foot hole.
03:37 People screaming in the stands. Thank God for Don Meredith.
03:42 Thank you, God.
03:44 It's like they're paying us $100,000 to meet Don Meredith.
03:51 Something I would have done for free.
03:53 That money could pay for Bobby's college and the mini-fridge for his dorm room.
03:58 Yeah. You know, we could buy all sorts of higher education and appliances with a million dollars.
04:06 What? Are you really thinking of taking that throw yourself?
04:10 Uh, what would you think if I was thinking that?
04:14 Hank, honey, if you are willing to give up a sure thing and go for the million,
04:19 well, you've got more free holies than any man I've ever known.
04:23 Hmm.
04:47 What you doing, Hank?
04:49 Uh, I'm just seeing what it's going to be like for Don Meredith at the Superdome.
04:54 How about I come with? I've always wanted to eat fried dough in the most corrupt city on earth.
05:00 Uh, that's nice and all, but you don't have to bother.
05:04 It's no bother. You can drive us, and we'll stay in your hotel room.
05:09 Uh, well, I guess we could...
05:12 Wingo, man, we're going to Nolin!
05:15 Hey, you know, I'll come with, too. The Dough Treves are from Louisiana.
05:20 I lived in the bayou till I was six years old.
05:23 My Aunt Esme still lives there. You think we could look her up?
05:27 Uh, dang it. I know we can.
05:30 I planned out the route to New Orleans very carefully. There is plenty of time for a side trip.
05:36 Bill, I didn't know you grew up in Cajun country, and I don't care.
05:42 [music]
05:45 And how is my man with the golden arm?
05:59 Call the bank. Make sure they have room in our account for one million dollars.
06:05 You're going to go for it? Oh, Hank!
06:08 Yeah, well, I made 42 out of 50.
06:12 Would have made 43, but I used a throw to drop a blue jay at 20 feet before he could poop on your car.
06:19 You're that good? Mm-hmm.
06:21 I guess you could say my aim is deadly.
06:24 [laughs]
06:26 That blue jay's fine, though.
06:28 [music]
06:34 [speaking French]
06:40 [laughs]
06:42 He's speaking some kind of French.
06:44 Let me handle this. I speak Spanish. It's the same thing.
06:48 Hey, senor, digame las direcciones a la casa de la Dauterive, por favor.
06:55 He wants a tip.
06:58 [speaking French]
07:05 Bill, I had no idea that you spoke Cajun.
07:10 Perhaps that's because I try not to ask you questions.
07:14 I had no idea either.
07:16 [speaking French]
07:20 Good Lord. I always figured your family lived in a tar paper shack.
07:26 Nope.
07:28 [gasps]
07:36 [speaking French]
07:43 [speaking French]
07:56 Who are you? Answers in the form of English, please.
08:00 I am Gilbert Fontaine de la Dauterive, the man of the house.
08:07 Del gribble.
08:11 I am Rose, the youngest.
08:15 Oh, yeah.
08:17 I am Lily, the youngest looking.
08:20 Mm-hmm.
08:21 You're terrible. I am Violetta, the pretty one.
08:25 You are a garden of women.
08:27 And you are the guillem we've heard so much about, the last remaining Dauterive male.
08:33 Or should I say...
08:34 Oh, don't bother.
08:36 Oh, you kind of snuck up on me there.
08:46 Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I've always been a creeper.
08:51 Violetta says I creep like the kudzu vines that are slowly but surely strangling our Dixie.
08:56 Oh.
08:58 What fascinating thing are y'all doing?
09:00 Uh, I'm gonna be thrown at a target about yea big at the Cowboy Saints game.
09:07 If I make it, I win a million dollars.
09:10 Golden Richards was a Dallas Cowboy.
09:13 Yeah, yeah, he caught a touchdown pass in Super Bowl XII.
09:16 He was a beautiful man.
09:19 I knew him briefly.
09:21 My husband, Alphonse Dauterive.
09:30 Wee-om's uncle by blood.
09:33 When did he pass?
09:34 Oh, he lingers in a room in the back of the house,
09:38 hanging on by the thread of a hope he'll see the Dauterive name passed on to another generation.
09:46 Does Wee-om have any sons?
09:49 No. Bill is unhappily divorced and without child.
09:53 Oh, pity.
09:55 The Dauterive blood is down to a trickle.
09:59 My two sons and my son-in-law, Giroc, Rene, and Emeril,
10:03 died of arterial sclerosis in their twenties.
10:07 Leaving three desperate childless widows to wander this house.
10:13 They are strings on a harp stretched far too taut.
10:19 If they are not strummed soon, oh, my friend,
10:25 well, they really need to be strummed.
10:29 This is right out of Shakespeare.
10:32 This is my husband, Giroc.
10:35 The Lusianodite will kill a man as surely as a sword.
10:39 So, Rose, you're not married?
10:42 I'm all alone in this world, William.
10:46 Yes, we're through, Lucy.
10:49 Rose! Rose!
11:03 Oh, hello, Lily. That was pretty.
11:06 Now, was that a song or is it supper time?
11:10 My late husband, Rene, and I used to make music together.
11:14 Now they're only notes.
11:18 Note.
11:20 Oh, you play beautifully.
11:27 I'm surprised at you, Horace.
11:31 (HORACE WHISTLES)
11:33 Robert, a young gentleman like you should dress for dinner.
11:48 Let's just poke around my old shiffer robe and find you something suitable.
11:54 My Lord, this muggy November weather gives me the horribles.
11:59 Robert, this here is velvet, not velveteen.
12:03 A gentleman must learn the difference.
12:06 My Lord!
12:09 Dinner, like youth, will be served.
12:14 (CLEARS THROAT)
12:16 Yep.
12:18 Hello.
12:20 I present you young master Robert.
12:27 (ALL APPLAUD)
12:30 Lovely.
12:32 Oh, my God.
12:34 Uh, Bobby, why don't you let me sit next to Joe Bear so we can talk sports?
12:42 So, uh, Joe Bear, how do the saints look this year, huh?
12:47 I'm more familiar with sinners than saints, my dear.
12:51 And sinners always look good.
12:57 (CLINKING)
12:59 Oh, get me out of here.
13:17 Honey, you need to try and relax before your big throw.
13:21 Yeah, you know, I'm not sure being a millionaire is such a good idea.
13:25 Bobby's only been around rich people for a few hours,
13:28 and he already looks like that kid on the paint can.
13:31 There's more to it than that, isn't there?
13:34 (SIGHS)
13:35 This place, it gives me the creeps.
13:38 Everything's upside down.
13:40 Bill's getting women and Bobby, well...
13:43 I missed a bunch of throws today, and I'm just thinking,
13:46 what happens when I get to the Superdome with all those fans watching?
13:50 Don't you think Don Meredith missed a few passes in practice?
13:54 But when the game was on the line,
13:56 he put it right on the money to Bullet Bob Hayes and Lance "No Pants" Renzel.
14:01 See, that's just it. He's the quarterback.
14:04 I bet if the contest was about selling propane, he'd let me do it.
14:09 You can do this.
14:11 Then, after we get back to Ireland,
14:13 we'll put the million dollars into trust funds
14:15 so it won't ruin Bobby till after we're dead.
14:19 (SIGHS)
14:20 I hate Zydeco.
14:23 Where's your bag, Bill?
14:24 I've decided to stay for a few days.
14:27 Bill, those women are trying to seduce you.
14:30 You think so, too? I was afraid it was just me.
14:34 Listen to me.
14:35 Two of these women are widows of the Dead Dovetree sons.
14:38 They are only related by marriage, so they are in play.
14:42 But one of them is your flesh-and-blood cousin.
14:45 She is your ticket to hell.
14:48 Oh, my God. Which one is my cousin?
14:51 That I do not know.
14:53 So, just to be safe, keep your hands off all three.
14:58 I still have a two-out-of-three chance.
15:01 I never had those odds.
15:03 Bill, if you think--
15:04 Goodbye, Peggy.
15:09 Well, I need a window seat because this flower is wilting.
15:15 Oh, Lord. All right, everyone in the car, now.
15:18 Go, go, go, go, go, go.
15:20 Have a pleasant journey.
15:22 And don't be afraid to ask directions from someone who has already been where you think you need to go.
15:28 What's that supposed to mean?
15:30 Let dandy Don Meredith take the throw.
15:35 (Song ends)
15:37 Hank, I'd like you to meet Don Meredith.
15:54 So, you must be Hank Hill.
15:56 Oh, Mr. Meredith, I have admired you from your playing days to Monday night football to your iced tea commercials.
16:06 Well, my mom always calls me Don or Donnie.
16:10 Wow. That's a great story, Mr. Meredith.
16:14 Sir, this is my wife, Peggy.
16:17 If you were a woman, I believe my husband would have married you instead of me.
16:21 Funny how life works out.
16:24 Well, who's this little future nose guard?
16:27 Look, Don, I'm a dandy, too.
16:30 You sure are, little sport.
16:32 Yeah.
16:35 Hey, that reminds me, Don. I've got your old jersey for you to wear during the contest.
16:40 No, I hung that thing up a long time ago.
16:44 Why don't you let my friend Hank here wear it?
16:47 I would be honored. You got the pants, too?
16:51 Yeah. Cowboy metallic blue.
16:55 Like father, like son.
16:59 There you go, sport.
17:08 Oh, Rose. I was just tidying up your husband's grave.
17:13 Oh, you are a sweet, sweet man.
17:17 Hey, hey, you. Dog tree! Your husband is a dog tree and his dad!
17:23 Take me.
17:24 Okay.
17:35 Now's the time to fake an injury, if you want to.
17:40 It's halftime, Hank. We're on.
18:01 Now it's time for the Alamo Beer million dollar throw.
18:06 Alamo Beer would like to welcome our contest winner, Hank Hill from Arlen, Texas,
18:13 and Dallas Cowboy legend, Dandy Don Meredith.
18:20 What's it going to be, Hank?
18:22 Are you going to go for the million, or are you going to let Dandy Don try for $100,000?
18:28 [Music]
18:48 Don't worry, Peggy. Our boy's going to college.
18:52 I'm going to take the shirt thing.
18:58 Aren't you going to take off your jacket?
19:10 Tough break, son.
19:12 I've got a nice hand for Dandy Don Meredith.
19:15 He didn't even take off his jacket. I want a do-over.
19:20 You should have made that throw.
19:22 Hey, where are you going? You owe my son a college education.
19:26 Hey, you, get back here.
19:34 Rose?
19:36 It is I, Violetta.
19:38 Oh, I'm glad you're here. Can I ask you something?
19:42 The answer is yes.
19:44 Yeah, I know. But your first husband, what is the name on his final resting crypt?
19:50 Answer him, Violetta.
19:52 Lily, be gone.
19:54 Hi, Lily.
19:55 This is wrong. Violetta is your blood cousin, Guillaume.
19:58 She's lying. I'm not your cousin.
20:00 She is.
20:01 You are the liar.
20:03 Guillaume.
20:05 Rose, we are not alone.
20:10 Yes, I know. She is your cousin.
20:13 No, she is.
20:14 No, she is.
20:25 She a bear?
20:26 Your cousin is Violetta.
20:33 Now, how long you been sitting there?
20:36 Thirty-five years.
20:40 I was the quarterback and I had a clear path to the end zone.
20:44 But instead, I handed it off to a guy in a fuzzy coat who threw it like a place kicker.
20:49 I do believe I'll give room service a jangle and have them send up some etouffee.
20:58 No!
21:05 Hey, hold it right there.
21:12 What do you want?
21:13 An apology.
21:14 You're the one who blindsided a quarterback at the knees, Hoss.
21:18 Uh, well, yeah, I guess that was unsportsmanlike conduct. I'm sorry.
21:24 But still, well, here's my point. I would have made that throw.
21:30 Uh-huh. If if and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.
21:35 I would have.
21:36 All right, Hoss. Prove it. Take us to the Superdome, cabbie.
21:41 Violetta tells me she discovered you in a compromising position with Rose and Lily.
21:47 Tell me this. Were you here to till the soil and nurture the vine, or were you just playing in the garden?
21:59 I think it would be best if you took your leave.
22:05 Can I say goodbye to the girls?
22:08 Ten yards, one shot.
22:23 Congratulations, son. You feel better?
22:28 No, it's not the same. There's no fans in the stands, there's no pressure, and I didn't win a million dollars.
22:36 Let me tell you something, Hank. What happened yesterday is gone.
22:41 Maybe you would have made that throw, but you picked me.
22:44 Yeah, I picked you, but I thought at least you would have taken off your jacket.
22:49 Hank, I practiced that throw all week at home. I even made a ten-foot-tall replica of the Alamo beer can.
22:56 It gets cold in New Mexico this time of year, so I wore my coat.
23:01 I wasn't going to change that yesterday. I didn't want to screw up my throwing motion.
23:05 Huh. Well, had I known that, I probably wouldn't have tackled you.
23:10 Damned if I didn't want to come through for you.
23:13 I'm sorry I let you down, but you'll be a lot happier if you let this one go, Hank.
23:18 I'll never have a chance like this again.
23:21 Nope, you won't. You know, there's something I wanted as much as you wanted that million dollars.
23:27 Don, you have everything. You were a cowboy during the Landry years.
23:32 I wanted to go to the Super Bowl. It came close, but it never happened.
23:37 Never will, and that's all right. I've never looked back.
23:41 It is an honor just to be on the field with you, Dandy Don.
23:50 You know, I built a ten-foot Alamo beer can, too.
23:53 Huh. Did you spot weld it or hot glue it?
23:55 Weld.
23:56 That's the only way to go, hon.
23:59 Nice weekend, Bill?
24:10 Both of 'em!
24:12 [Music]
24:19 [Music]
24:25 [Music]
24:53 Wow, that's a great story, Mr. Mayor.