Male Vs Female Communication || Acharya Prashant (2022)
Video information:
Context:
~ What Actually Holds Women Back?
~ What We Get Wrong About Feminine and Masculine?
~ Sex: Is it that important?
~ The Painful Cost of Wrong Education.
~ How to Make the World a Better Place?
Music: Milind Date
~~~~~
Context:
~ What Actually Holds Women Back?
~ What We Get Wrong About Feminine and Masculine?
~ Sex: Is it that important?
~ The Painful Cost of Wrong Education.
~ How to Make the World a Better Place?
Music: Milind Date
~~~~~
Category
🛠️
LifestyleTranscript
00:00 Thank you for meeting with me again Acharyaji.
00:06 And especially I asked you that if you can just make this all men.
00:12 And I know you talk a lot about women's liberation and furthering women's journey to liberation.
00:22 And I have some stuff to talk about that I just feel more comfortable sharing when they're
00:26 just guys.
00:28 So thank you for agreeing to do that.
00:32 Welcome.
00:34 I guess my first question is, I know men and women are equal in their potential in what
00:42 they can achieve and in accomplishments.
00:45 But I also know that we have physical differences and differences in how we look at life.
00:53 And yet we don't acknowledge that and we say men and women are equal.
00:58 It's almost like you're not supposed to say that men and women are physically different.
01:04 Like I don't have a uterus and that's just a fact.
01:07 So why do we hide this?
01:10 Why do we pretend it doesn't exist?
01:14 The reasons are more on the historical side.
01:20 Yes, there are differences, but in the past those differences have been blown up, exaggerated
01:34 to make the false conclusion that one side is actually superior than the other, not different,
01:47 not just different, but actually superior.
01:52 So acknowledgement of differences had become an acknowledgement of superiority.
02:02 So if this superiority, inferiority and the game of domination and exploitation that goes
02:10 with it had to be kept aside, one had to emphasize on the equality aspect of the two beings,
02:24 the two genders.
02:28 So that's the reason why there is so much emphasis on equality.
02:36 But yes, I would agree that just as at one point or over a long period of time the differences
02:48 were exaggerated, equally it is possible that today the equality aspect or the similarities
03:03 are being exaggerated.
03:05 And any exaggeration is a denial of fact and therefore not useful, not helpful and against
03:20 the truth.
03:21 So yes, there are differences and any sane person would readily agree that there do exist
03:31 differences.
03:37 Is it okay if we talk about some of these differences?
03:40 Of course, that's what we are here for and that's what our six friends here are waiting for.
03:47 You insisted on an all male crowd and that's what we have got.
03:53 So I'm going to ask you a few questions and if you guys feel the same way, please chime in.
03:58 I just want to know that I'm not crazy when I say these things.
04:02 So I've noticed in my interaction with women there are some common themes and I just don't
04:09 know if something is wrong with me or maybe this is just how it is.
04:14 But I've noticed, for example, women will sometimes say something but they'll do something
04:22 completely different.
04:25 If she wants something from me, she won't ask me directly, "Can I have X?"
04:30 It will be some sort of oblique hint.
04:34 I've just noticed that, at least with my guy friends, they'll just tell me what's up and
04:39 we'll deal with it.
04:40 But with women, I feel like I have to guess what they want and if I don't guess exactly
04:47 what they want, I'm in trouble, like I've done something wrong.
04:51 Most men would vouch they've had a similar experience.
05:01 It happens.
05:02 How do you interpret it?
05:06 Do you take it as a conclusion of a problem with an entire gender?
05:18 Why does this thing happen?
05:20 Why are many women, probably most women, reluctant to put things squarely up front?
05:32 Why do they deal so much in hints, in pointers, in imagery, in symbols?
05:38 Why do they do that?
05:42 Forget that they are a particular gender.
05:45 Forget the physicality.
05:46 Go to the mind.
05:49 Think of the mind, the consciousness that has to deal so much in hints.
05:59 The kind of mind that does not want to be, probably cannot afford to be up front.
06:10 What kind of mind is that?
06:12 And also, mind you, that kind of mind is found not only in women but also in several men.
06:22 Maybe in women it's seen much more frequently, but it's not really the preserve of just women.
06:33 Even men show these characteristics.
06:37 When do people behave like that?
06:40 You said women don't talk straight and they would say something and mean something else
06:49 and they are quick to get offended and that they take things personally, that they are
07:02 not really cool about life.
07:06 You said with your guy friends you can just be very very straight.
07:12 Women you have to be probably tactful.
07:17 Obviously we are generalizing here, but maybe that generalizing has a grain of truth in it.
07:22 Why does somebody have to deal in symbols?
07:27 Probably one feels a certain vulnerability.
07:29 We are talking about the mind, we are talking about the human being.
07:32 Let's keep the general aside for a while.
07:37 If I say something directly, I might be ridiculed.
07:47 I want to keep a safe option open.
07:50 So I'll say, I said it, I didn't say it, still.
07:56 I said, no, I didn't say, because I wanted to be secure.
08:02 So I kept it ambiguous.
08:06 Did I mean that?
08:08 Probably I did, probably I didn't.
08:13 It's very very stuffy here, very stuffy here.
08:17 Do I mean we should go out?
08:23 Yes, I do mean that, if you can appreciate that, but if you are someone who can't appreciate
08:31 that, who is a bit insensitive, then I don't mean that.
08:35 So I want to keep it deliberately ambiguous.
08:40 It's a bit of a skill.
08:44 And it happens when you are insecure.
08:49 You are forced to display this kind of behavior when there is fear.
08:56 When you are just anxious, anything wrong can happen to you any moment.
09:05 I don't want to run away with this.
09:07 I don't want to throw conclusions on you.
09:11 So keep interjecting.
09:15 Take an extreme example.
09:21 Women have been under a heavy burden to carry the moral code of the society.
09:34 She is the carrier of the society's morality.
09:39 How does she express that she needs to consume something because consumption in general is
09:49 not a moral virtue.
09:51 So if she has to express a basic desire like dining out, like buying new clothes, watching
10:04 a movie, even in that she just cannot display the full force of her desire.
10:17 I am not talking about 1% of the liberated population, liberated not in the spiritual
10:27 sense but in the ideological sense, the liberal category.
10:32 I am not talking of them.
10:33 They feel empowered to say and do whatever they want to.
10:38 But in India and in fact in most countries of the world still, including the US, compared
10:47 to men, women are supposed to be more modest.
10:57 So how do I flow freely?
11:00 How do I express myself spontaneously?
11:07 Spontaneous expression often involves a lot of passion, a lot of desire.
11:13 And if I am young, it might also include the sexual desire.
11:18 I am not supposed to be open and direct and upfront and casual about it.
11:26 I can't be.
11:27 If I can't be casual about something, read me right, these are words that can be taken
11:34 in either way, hear me rightly.
11:37 If I can't be casual about something, often it will be difficult for me to be spontaneous.
11:47 So what will I do?
11:50 I will keep layers of security.
11:54 If I have to say A, I will say BCADE.
12:02 Now that A has been armored from both the sides and I am leaving it to your empathy
12:14 and wisdom to decode that in BCADE, the two sides have to be peeled off and you have to
12:24 come to A, the thing that I really meant to be known.
12:30 When guys talk to each other and you mean to say A, you just say A. A. And if the fellow
12:40 doesn't understand A, you heap him with abuses.
12:45 That's what I said A. Often a woman has to say A, she will say BCADE.
12:53 You approach it from either side, you have to first unveil the truth, remove the layers
13:04 and then you come to know what I want to say.
13:07 This obviously appears amusing to us eight guys sitting here, but I want to explore with
13:17 a bit of empathy what makes a human being do that.
13:23 Because it's quite time and energy inefficient to use five units of data where one would
13:32 have sufficed, BCADE.
13:37 And God save you if you thought she meant, she actually meant BCADE or if you tried to
13:44 decode and said, oh, so C is what you mean.
13:48 That's where I get stuck.
13:49 That's where you get stuck, if you say C, then you really don't see.
13:55 So you have to see A, you have to see A, you have to cross BC, you have to reach A.
14:04 There's no logical formula to decipher it.
14:06 That's what.
14:07 It also happens when you say, for example, when you say A, they listen B.
14:14 Because you know, you become so used to these codes and symbols that your faculty to hear
14:21 straight just diminishes.
14:25 Your ability to hear A as A just shrivels.
14:31 Now I'm used to saying BCADE when I mean A.
14:38 You tell me ABCDE.
14:41 You probably meant ABCDE.
14:43 You probably meant A as the most important thing in ABCDE.
14:49 But going by my own algorithm, if you tell me ABCDE, I will think that you mean C. Because
14:56 that's how my own algorithm runs.
15:00 That's how my algorithm runs.
15:03 So men therefore find women quite mysterious.
15:09 What's going on?
15:10 Nothing much really.
15:12 The differences are exaggerated.
15:14 Don't think of her as a body, which obviously she's not much of.
15:25 She's as much of consciousness as we are, the men.
15:35 So the basic drives are the same, the basic desires are the same, and the ultimate destination
15:43 is the same.
15:47 She has to be liberated just as we have to be.
15:50 It's just that going to the difference in physicality, the historical contour has been
15:57 quite different.
16:00 And that leads to all these situations which are sometimes funny, sometimes pretty tragic.
16:07 I have found that the allergy plays a very big role, at least from where I look at it.
16:18 She has this responsibility that she carries that we fail to appreciate, at least I fail
16:24 to appreciate is the bearing a child part, that the fact that she needs to have that
16:35 constant reminder that she has a responsibility already there.
16:39 I think that insecurity comes from the fact that biologically they are designed to be
16:45 protective and to averse being here.
16:49 Men on the other hand, because we are not carrying anything, you're not getting any
16:52 kind of liability with that.
16:54 No, you are, you are.
16:56 There is a difference in magnitude obviously, but there is not a difference in dimension.
17:05 She is carrying reproductive cells in her body and a system, you too are carrying a
17:11 reproductive system in your body and reproductive cells.
17:14 Just that the participation on that side is far deeper and longer.
17:20 Your participation is relatively smaller, but your participation is equal in the sense
17:26 that even you have to provide that cell, without that stuff is not going to happen.
17:34 Now if I ask you, carrying your reproductive system in your body, do you necessarily define
17:42 yourself through your would-be kid?
17:51 Do you do that?
17:53 I think the outlook towards the whole process or towards this matter from a man's perspective
17:59 and a woman's perspective is pretty different.
18:02 As in, I am not sure how much importance I will give to the kid, but…
18:08 But the logic that you are… that men talk to women and they flirt, isn't it the same
18:16 thing?
18:17 They are not direct about it and they are trying to give…
18:21 Exactly, that's what happens in situations of fear and uncertainty.
18:26 You don't flirt with your wife, there is no uncertainty there.
18:29 You don't flirt with your wife, but you flirt with your colleague, you flirt with strangers,
18:34 you flirt with somebody you see in the party.
18:36 Why?
18:37 Because if you are direct, there can be consequences.
18:41 You do not know who she is and what her attitude is, so you flirt because you are afraid and
18:46 insecure.
18:47 So, in that way I am being like a woman.
18:49 We all are like that because we all are fundamentally the mind, the consciousness and you put the
18:57 mind in a certain situation and it will react in the same way, irrespective of the gender,
19:04 the species, the ethnicity, the age or whatever.
19:08 It also happens in diplomatic statements like one leader of one state there versus I will
19:13 attack directly.
19:14 Obviously, because there is fear and there is distrust, so there is a lot of diplomacy
19:21 involved and you require a long gestation period for trust to develop.
19:30 When do you need trust the most, when things are sensitive or vulnerable the most, otherwise
19:36 you can be just cavalier about it.
19:39 But what I think is that maybe you have certain situations in, just what I have observed is
19:49 that in many of the situations where if you put a man, a lot of pity issues maybe, day
19:57 to day, day in day out, in everyday conversations, if you look at from a man's perspective, they
20:02 won't find any kind of real objective in going in and using that sort of coded language.
20:11 But with women it's the norm.
20:12 It's a norm because it becomes a habit if you practice it over centuries, it becomes
20:17 a deeply ingrained habit.
20:20 What I am asking you is, is it purely due to her physicality or is there a huge amount
20:29 of history to it?
20:31 And the history is caused by men?
20:33 No, the history, the men have not been so prescient or all powerful that they can manage
20:42 the flow of history.
20:44 History is largely accidental.
20:46 We cannot blame somebody for history.
20:49 When you want to blame someone, you first of all have to know or assume that the fellow
20:55 is conscious enough to be blamed.
20:59 Now that turns the whole thing upside down.
21:03 If somebody is to be blamed, then he has done something in his, quite unconsciously and
21:10 if the fellow has done something unconsciously, how can he be blamed?
21:13 Acharya ji, if you think from the point of view of history, if we just try to connect
21:22 the dots, if male history is different from female history, then the only thing different
21:29 in them is their biology.
21:30 If you go to the root, so the root has to be somewhere in the biology.
21:38 No, it's not merely the biology.
21:41 It's also the technology, the stage you are in, the women you are talking of, other women,
21:50 women of this century.
21:52 Had you been having this conversation 200 years back, would you be referring to the
21:57 same women?
21:59 That woman would have been an entirely different thing, irrespective of the fact that her physicality
22:03 would be the same as today's woman.
22:07 So it's not merely physicality that determines the person.
22:15 History is determined not merely by the fact that there are two genders and there is so
22:19 much else that's involved, a lot of freak accidents, this, that movement, the way mind
22:26 has progressed in its conversation with the material.
22:32 So all that is definitely there.
22:35 See, do not discount the possibility that you can have, and we do have, as a matter
22:44 of fact, very, very healthy women if they are brought up in the right way, free of disabling
23:01 influences, educated rightly, empowered rightly.
23:11 If there is a woman of that kind, would you still say these things about her?
23:17 Maybe, maybe a little bit of womanly behavior would still be exhibited, but not to the extent
23:26 we are used to seeing in women in general.
23:33 On the contrary, if you manage to dig out, meet some woman who is heavily conditioned,
23:51 born and brought up in a very diseased kind of patriarchal environment, not educated rightly,
24:06 implanted with all kinds of wrong values and beliefs, then these things that we are talking
24:16 of will be even more deeply evident in her case.
24:24 She will not express herself straight for a moment.
24:33 You cannot say, 'oh, she is a straight shooter, no nonsense straight talker', you won't have that.
24:41 So you are saying that the behavior is actually a symptom of something else that's wrong,
24:46 it's not cause because of a biology and gender.
24:49 Obviously, see we all have, irrespective of whether we are males, females, we all have
24:58 the few basic tendencies, one of the tendencies of self-preservation, that's what the ego
25:03 always wants, to preserve itself.
25:07 You don't want your opinions to be heard, you don't want your self-respect to be hurt.
25:12 Now if I tell you that your respect is to be determined by your daintiness, not by your
25:22 knowledgeability, not by your courage, not by your wisdom, but by your daintiness, you'd
25:30 be extremely nervous if there is a spot on your gown, because that's what your grandmothers
25:40 and mothers and fathers and neighbors and teachers have taught you.
25:48 Daintiness is much more important than wisdom or courage.
25:54 So you'll be very finicky about that spot on your gown, especially if it's a party gown.
26:05 So do not discount that fact.
26:10 We began this conversation acknowledging that the biological differences are obviously real,
26:18 we cannot just keep shouting equality, equality, there are differences and we better acknowledge
26:23 them.
26:24 But then now what we want to investigate is whether those differences are actually as
26:32 big as sometimes we want to believe.
26:38 So my assertion here would be that those differences are amplified by history and by the conditioning
26:50 that we still give to the girl, otherwise you won't see those differences to the extent
26:56 that you see.
27:05 Ignorance starts from the body itself.
27:10 Even in a well-educated and spiritually liberated woman, the desire for a kid would be probably
27:18 relatively larger compared to that in a man.
27:22 What we want to talk of is whether the compulsive desire to keep the kid and the family at the
27:28 center of her life is necessary.
27:30 These things are absent in your life.
27:32 Fearlessness, love, truth.
27:34 When the relationship has a lot of love, then you're not afraid to be blunt because you
27:38 know the other one will understand.
27:39 But when the most important values are missing and there's a lot of fear and there is a chronic
27:45 need for security, then you don't open up.
27:48 If we indeed are caged consciousnesses yearning for freedom, then neither the womanly values
27:55 nor the manly ones take us to our liberation.
27:57 [MUSIC PLAYING]
28:01 [music]