Did You Hear What I Just Said -- Dr. Dharius Daniels
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00:00 Hey family Pastor Darius here. I'm excited about this message. We're in a relationships
00:06 Series and I'm talking about something. Honestly, I don't hear a lot of people talking about we talk a lot about communication
00:12 But in today's message we're talking about comprehension
00:15 Somebody's got to do talking and we got to do a better job at that. We also got to do a better job at listening
00:22 I'm gonna show you how in this message. Enjoy
00:24 You really ready for relationships part two
00:29 Okay, we're getting ready to go there John chapter 6 beginning at verse number 65
00:34 I want to read two verses from the New International Version of Scripture John 6 verse 65
00:41 366 say this he went on to say this is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the father
00:48 Has enabled them
00:50 Whoo, some people don't have to go through God to get to you
00:55 Whoo
00:57 From this time though
01:08 many of his disciples
01:10 Turned back and no longer followed him. I want to talk from this subject 1130
01:17 Did you hear what I just said?
01:22 Clap your hands family if you're ready for part two I
01:26 Want to leap into this lesson today with a question just a question for your reflection
01:33 Have you ever found yourself in a situation or scenario?
01:38 Where you said something?
01:41 you wrote something or you posted something and
01:45 After you finished with your communication you engaged in some observation
01:51 you listen to what they said read what they wrote back or you watch what they posted and
01:58 You secretly and silently
02:00 Say it to yourself
02:03 There is no way
02:05 You got this out of that
02:09 Let me go to the side over here, I'm just looking for the honest section today
02:16 You're not judging people. You're not questioning their ability
02:21 You're not you're not calling into question their level of literacy
02:24 But at the same time you are wondering now if I said that
02:29 How did you get this
02:35 Out of that
02:42 It's an interesting phenomenon because it says and suggests to all of us that the effectiveness of
02:48 Communication isn't just tied to communication the effectiveness of communication is also tied to comprehension
02:55 The question isn't always what you said sometimes the question is what they heard
03:04 And until this reality is understood and embraced it becomes
03:11 possible or improbable to shift any
03:14 relationship and I was having a
03:17 Conversation with my think coach this week that that was a conversation centered around
03:23 Leadership and but he said something to me that I think applies to relationships
03:28 And when he said it to me, I said to myself I got to say this to them. I
03:32 Know you talking to me, but I think it applied to all of us
03:37 So can I say to you what my coach said to me that caused me to say to myself?
03:42 I need to say this to you. Yeah, it's something that gave me a revelation on communication. This is what he said
03:48 He said Darius you're not talking to people
03:52 You're talking to they filter
03:55 Now did you hear what I just said
04:01 He said you're not talking to people Darius
04:05 What you're talking to is their filter
04:09 What do I mean by?
04:11 filter
04:13 I'm referring to
04:15 this compilation of a person's experiences
04:20 Their emotions come on and their assumptions
04:26 That the compilation of their feeling of their experiences what's happening them in the past
04:34 Their emotions, what are they feeling in the present and
04:38 their assumptions assumptions that they have made about you your intentions the
04:45 Compilation of all of those things
04:50 serves as a filter that impacts their interpretation of what you said
05:00 So sometimes what you said in what they hear is what the filter allowed to get through
05:07 Come on here
05:11 so if a person's if a person has this compilation of
05:15 Experiences that are negative come on and then they've got emotions that are negative and then they're making
05:21 Assumptions that are negative then the filter won't allow anything positive you say to get through the filter blocks the positive
05:30 And the filter only receives a negative and you're like, why are you going off of?
05:35 1% of what I said and you've ignored the 99% of what I said
05:40 It's because the filter only let the 1% get through
05:45 Because you start looking for in the present what happened to you in the past
05:56 This is important because it means that whenever there's communication both parties have to take
06:02 responsibility for the effectiveness of it
06:05 Because you're a filter determined, excuse me communication determines if you say it
06:12 The filter determines if they hear it
06:16 Your communication determines how you say it their filter determines how they hear it
06:25 Your communication determines when you say it
06:28 Their filter determines when they hear it. You could have been saying it since
06:34 2009
06:36 Over and over and over and over again, and then somebody else
06:42 Says it one time
06:44 After you said it 99 times now all of a sudden it's a breakthrough and an epiphany
06:51 I have been saying this the whole time
06:55 And what I'm saying is if we're going to shift
07:07 Relationships we've not only got to work on our
07:13 communication
07:15 We also have to work on our comprehension
07:19 Come on talk back to pastor now if relationships are gonna shift
07:24 We not only have to do a better job talking come here change
07:29 We've got to do a better job listening
07:31 We have to engage in the kind of listening that culture calls active listening and
07:41 Comprehension is a fleeting and failing in many relationships
07:47 Not because people lack intelligence. They lack active listening
07:52 We engage in passive listening
07:55 Just I'm kind of I mean I'm here
08:00 I'm here
08:05 We engage in passive listening
08:08 But active listening requires intentionality
08:11 Active listening requires energy and
08:15 requires energy
08:17 Active listening requires focus. Here's what the Bible says about active listening in James chapter number one
08:24 James puts it this way James says my dear brothers and sisters
08:28 Take note of this
08:32 He said take note
08:36 Everyone
08:40 Should be quick to listen
08:44 Slow
08:46 To speak
08:51 So watch this so you got James trying to disciple people into active listening
08:57 Because even back then
09:00 Nothing new under the Sun culture was discipling people into passive listening
09:10 See we are being discipled by culture to be inattentive people
09:15 You can't even watch news
09:20 on the screen
09:22 without a ticker being on the bottom of the screen and
09:25 Something else being on the side of a screen. Come on. You can't even watch sports
09:30 Without a ticker being on the side of the screen and something else being on the bottom of the screen
09:36 We've been discipled into passive listening not active listening. What's active listening pastor. It is an act of love. I
09:43 Love you. Well, listen
09:48 Let me go over here who's gonna talk back to me so I can preach to that side
09:54 Active listening is an act see love done God's way listens
10:03 It's an act of love not just love but respect
10:07 It means come on here. It means you respect me enough
10:12 To listen to me articulate to you something that matters to me
10:21 Even if it doesn't matter to you
10:24 Now pastor, why did you separate love and respect can I go here I
10:33 Can't you give me permission to go here? Come on you come here because you want real biblical application to real life issues, right?
10:41 Cuz it's possible to love someone you don't respect
10:45 And what happens is sometimes
11:01 Disrespect that manifests itself in disrespectfulness
11:04 sometimes disrespect manifests in dismissiveness
11:08 You didn't diss me but you dismiss me
11:16 I'm coming back
11:23 You you did you didn't diss me
11:26 But you dismiss me you disregarded me pastor. What do you mean?
11:31 What do you mean pastor because when they said what they said, I'm not at my head. No, no, no
11:36 Relational comprehension isn't revealed in your agreement when we talking it's revealed in your adjustments when we done
11:44 So so don't just agree with me when we talking but not make any adjustments
11:55 After we done talking I know you comprehend it not when you shake your head, but when you shake some things up
12:02 It's an act of love and respect that honors the dignity of
12:20 the speaker
12:23 by offering
12:25 undivided attention
12:27 You got my attention well put your phone down
12:30 Y'all not talking to me because what you're doing is you're allowing somebody else to interrupt our conversation
12:41 Undivided attention by setting aside personal judgments
12:50 It means you shouldn't judge at all, but at least let me finish before you judge
12:55 Let me go
12:59 I'm just trying to
13:01 Right. Don't don't don't don't judge the validity of what I'm articulating because you don't need it
13:07 Cuz you're not in a relationship with you
13:11 The reason you want me is because I'm not you
13:17 So you can't want me because I'm not you then get upset with me because I'm not you
13:27 When we first met you were bragging about how thoughtful I was how responsible I was and now that I won't tolerate
13:36 your
13:38 Irresponsibility you're agitated by what you are attracted to
13:41 I
13:43 Gotta set aside personal judgments, and I gotta seek
13:59 I've got to seek
14:02 to not only accurately understand their words
14:06 but also the heart and
14:10 the intent
14:12 Behind them you got to try to do that
14:16 That doesn't happen automatically you got to try to do that that takes humility
14:26 And the absence of active listening
14:37 Will produce the presence of relational conflict
14:40 Some relationships break down because people can't get through to who they with
14:49 Sometimes the issue is not people aren't talking sometimes the people you with not listening
14:58 This is why
15:07 I would not advise anybody to be in a relationship with anybody that won't listen to God
15:14 Because if you don't listen to God I
15:22 am naive and
15:25 Borderline narcissistic if I think you won't listen to him
15:30 But somehow you're gonna listen to me
15:32 if he can't get through to you I
15:36 Can't stand a chance
15:38 These diamonds won't do it the cars won't do it
15:42 They body won't do it y'all not talking to me if God can't get through to them
15:47 Now you do what you want
15:51 But good luck with that
16:03 Well, there's the absence of active listening
16:05 There's a presence of relational conflict and guys in all my years and all my years of reading studying
16:13 I'm like a student of life
16:15 Like I want to know what the Bible has to say because here's the quality of life is gonna be based on three things
16:19 principles value standards
16:22 PBS principles value standards when you look at the quality of a person's life
16:28 It's gonna be a reflection of their principles their value standards principles are the truths you choose to live by
16:33 Not the truth you choose to hear
16:36 The truth you choose to live by
16:39 Does that make sense? Okay, so it is what you hear and what you accept is truth
16:45 You're gonna live your life based on that
16:49 So for me, my principles have to come from God's Word because I trust I don't trust people's interpretation of Bible. I trust the Bible
16:57 I
16:59 I'm not gonna build my relationship on whatever's trending
17:02 I'm not gonna build my relationship on whatever book is hot just cuz it's hot don't mean it's right
17:08 Just cuz it's viral does not mean it's valuable
17:13 Some stuff is pop pop popular because it's not challenging you
17:23 It's confirming a bias
17:27 Not exposing some adjustments that need to be made
17:31 So it's the principles so you can be a Christian but have a life that's reflective of principles that aren't
17:40 So the Bible should be the filter you put all truth through
17:46 Right. So it's a concept we call they called in a call on theological circles. So la script Torah
17:55 Not so low
17:56 So lie by scripture only not scripture alone. It means scripture only determines what truth what's true?
18:04 It means there may be some truth that's not in scripture
18:06 But scripture determines if it's truth
18:10 So the Bible becomes the Supreme Court
18:13 That you take all arguments to and if the Bible is if what they're arguing is out of alignment with the Bible
18:21 The Bible overrules the argument
18:23 Are
18:25 You hearing what I'm saying here
18:28 So so this this has to be the Bible's got to be the filter that you put all truth through so the principles
18:35 The truths you live by values. That's the things that you make most important to you
18:41 It's not what you say is most important to you
18:44 It's what you make most important to you
18:47 Because there's proclaimed values. That's what you say. Then there's actual values. That's actually how you live and for many Christians
18:55 God first is a proclaimed value
18:57 But he really not first
19:03 And
19:09 Then there's your standards
19:11 That's the least you allow
19:13 from yourself and others
19:15 Your standards are not the ceiling. That's a goal your standards are the floor
19:21 Your standards aren't what you wish you have
19:24 Your standards are what you have to have
19:27 It is the least you allow from yourself and the least you allow from others your standard is I at least got to have this
19:36 And people with bad principles
19:44 Bad values and bad standards will always have a bad life
19:49 You can't shout your way out of bad principles
19:55 You can't dance your way out of bad values. I wish I had somebody that would talk back to me today
20:01 So that's what what are we trying to do we're trying to introduce
20:08 principles
20:10 values and standards
20:13 That shift relationships and what I'm saying is there's a lot of talk a
20:17 lot of talk about
20:20 Communication and relationships a lot of talk about talking and there's not a lot of talk about listening
20:27 So it puts all the responsibility on the talker
20:31 But I was reading John 6 and
20:37 John 6 taught me something it taught me that the that the quality of a relationship
20:43 It's not just based of what happens with the talker
20:46 But a quality of the quality of a relationship. It's also based on what happens with the listener
20:53 I'm reading John 6 and I'm seeing something in a platonic relationship that can apply to any sort of relationship
21:01 I'm seeing Jesus having a conversation with some mentees that the Bible calls disciples
21:07 and
21:08 The Bible says that he says something
21:11 Very ambiguous
21:16 Dubious cloudy unclear unless you eat my flesh drink my blood you have no parts of me. Hold up Jesus. Wait a minute
21:26 Then he gives them some commentary kind of explaining a little further what he means
21:32 So cuz he didn't want them to think he meant you got a chew on my calf muscle
21:36 So
21:38 You got Jesus the perfect communicator
21:43 Which means he always says what needs to be said
21:48 He always says it the way it needs to be said to that person
21:54 See, there's a way he talked to Peter
21:57 That he didn't talk to anybody else. I mean, I don't even have time to deal with that
22:01 I don't have time to he talked to Peter in a way. He didn't he didn't let Peter get away with
22:06 What a lot a lot of other he said get thee behind me Satan to Peter
22:15 He never said at the Judas who Satan was actually in
22:18 Did you hear what I just said because he knew enough about Peter to him to know what kind of person
22:30 Can handle what type of communication?
22:32 And say Peter what I'm getting ready to trust you with in the future you got to be able to handle this
22:42 This you won't be in position
22:46 To handle what you're gonna have to steward the responsibility and the influence that you're gonna have to steward when I am gone
22:54 Requires that that I be able to shoot straight with you
22:58 I don't have to shoot it straight with them because I'm not leaning on them the way I'm gonna be leaning on you
23:04 So I'm gonna lean into you because I'm leaning on you God Almighty
23:09 Did you hear me? I'm gonna lean into you because I'm leaning. I'm not leaning on Thomas like that
23:15 So I'm not leaning into Thomas like that cuz I'm not leading all time Thomas Gospels not even gonna make the Bible
23:25 He's a follower of mine who wrote a gospel but it will not make the Bible I'm not leaning on him like that
23:35 But Peter every other gospel writer is going to write their Gospels taking into consideration
23:43 Your account your spiritual son Mark is going to write the first gospel and all the other gospel
23:50 Writers are going to pull from Mark's writing
23:54 Yeah
23:56 He a perfect communicator and
23:59 A perfect communicator
24:02 says something and
24:05 The Bible says they get so offended
24:08 We read it verse 66
24:10 Many of them left and follow him no further
24:14 People left Jesus
24:19 I
24:21 I'm not saying we shouldn't pay attention to communication. I did a whole sermon on that last week
24:32 That's not what we're talking about today. We're talking about comprehension
24:35 John 6 tells us that no matter how you say it to some people
24:40 Jesus himself said it they like I'm out of here. I can't take this
24:45 You left Jesus and you really mad about what you really misunderstood
24:49 Because Jesus wasn't talking to them
24:59 He was talking to they filter. I
25:02 Don't know what they heard another rabbi say
25:08 But maybe they heard another rabbi say some crazy stuff and now they're interpreting what Jesus said through the filter of rabbi trauma
25:16 So you have a relationship breakdown because somebody's not getting better at listening
25:35 And I know in relationships we say you need to get better at talking
25:41 I'm telling you if it's gonna shift somebody has to get better at listening
25:49 Is this right I know it's tight
26:00 So, can I give you five keys in Scripture to do this real quick
26:02 All right. Here's number one. Here's number one. Number one is this if I'm gonna listen better. I've got to fix my filter
26:10 So I'm looking at the New Testament and Paul is one of my favorite writers
26:19 And elder I'm saying all this stuff in the New Testament what Paul's like put on me new man take off the old man
26:28 Like I'm reading that and it's almost like Paul is saying. Hey
26:31 God's not gonna do this for you. That's why I'm telling you to do it
26:36 God's gonna help you do it
26:39 God's gonna do it with you, but he's not gonna do it for you
26:44 All of us in here all of us in here have had some experiences that are painful
26:55 All of us in here have some emotional wounds from the past that are impacting us in the present
27:01 All of us in here make assumptions about what people mean
27:07 Before we give them an opportunity to actually explain it
27:11 Does that make sense yeah, the clearest place to see this is on social media the comment section
27:24 Because like some people go off is like you should just ask a clarifying question
27:27 But it is reflective of a social norm when it comes to communication styles
27:33 Because if they not asking a clarifying question in the comment, they're not asking clarifying questions in a relationship either
27:39 Sometimes I see certain comments. I can't say that that'll be - y'all can't handle that
27:47 Sometimes I see certain comments and I'm saying to myself. I'm really praying for whoever in relationship with you
27:54 Because that's what they talking to every day
27:56 God bless
28:02 One of our core values here is health and there's a clarifying statement we deal with our stuff
28:15 That my stuff is my responsibility
28:21 Responsibility
28:23 that
28:25 my spouse
28:26 Should provide a space for me to heal
28:29 They're not responsible for my healing
28:31 They can't serve a life sentence being imprisoned by my dysfunction
28:37 For a crime they didn't commit so she got to serve the time and the person who did the crime free
28:47 There
28:49 Is no getting better relationally until some of us get better emotional
28:58 Because that's messing up the filter
29:02 So working on the relationship
29:06 me working on my heart and
29:09 Emotionally you catch sickness you don't catch health
29:14 You have to try to be healthy
29:17 John calls this the prospering of your soul
29:20 Beloved I wish above all things that you would prosper and be in health even as your soul
29:28 My relationship can't prosper if my soul not
29:32 So how long you gonna make somebody you love suffer because you won't fix that
29:44 I
29:46 Know love suffers long
29:48 But how long?
29:51 You know, sometimes people like we need to go to therapy when they should be saying I
29:58 Somebody say talk Bishop. I feel the Bishop. I feel that Bishop I
30:08 I
30:10 Above all else guard your heart for everything you do flows from it. Number two. I got to imprison the impulses
30:23 I'm not saying don't feel emotion. I'm saying monitor your immediate reactions
30:35 So that you're not reacting over something you misunderstood a
30:40 Few years ago my oldest son he was he was playing a football game
30:46 It was an away game and it was in Florida. And so we're sitting they didn't have like a designated visitor side
30:54 So we're sitting amongst all sorts of fans. So his number was number three
30:57 right and so
31:04 I don't bother nobody. I
31:06 Promise I don't bother nobody. I
31:10 Just relax. So my kids I'm not I'm screaming to encourage them, but I'm not like reprimanding them or anything like that
31:18 I'm gonna talk to them after the game
31:20 So I'm sitting there I don't bother nobody and I don't bother anybody else kids
31:25 Now I might whisper to my wife. He can't play
31:30 But I'm not gonna say it out loud. Why is he on the team, but I'm not gonna say that out loud
31:34 So we had a game
31:36 My son's name is number three and I keep hearing somebody say number three you got a such-and-such-and-such
31:41 So I'm sitting there
31:43 Then it's like number three. I said you got a such-and-such-and-such. So she know me
31:48 She knows a lot of stuff. She ain't got to worry about with me
31:52 That
31:56 Tim that thing I keep it way over here
31:59 Right. I say well stay on the other side of line that she started rubbing my back
32:03 Cuz she know me
32:07 Then he did it one more time. I
32:09 Look up around. I'm getting ready to say who you talking to in tongues and
32:15 Pray for me. I'm just pray for me and
32:20 That was a young man
32:23 Who was sitting next to me who was a father to another kid on our team who knew I was a pastor
32:28 I
32:30 Saw me he said pastor pastor pastor
32:35 Pastor, I guess he saw it in my spirit. He said pastor
32:40 Pastor he's talking about the other number three
32:43 I'm about to ruin my whole witness. Oh
32:57 But something I misunderstood
32:59 I felt real strong and I was wrong
33:10 So imagine if I would have went off on that brother
33:16 Now I got to explain myself
33:19 to this other brother who knows what I do and
33:23 Then I got to sit and eat humble pie
33:28 When this man look at me and tell me I don't even know your son
33:31 But how many times in relationships
33:42 Proverbs 29 11 fools give full vent to their rage
33:48 But the wise bring calm in the end
33:56 number three arrest the arrogance
33:58 arrogance creates a false sense of self and
34:02 An inflated ego that makes it difficult to listen to empathize and to comprehend another person's perspective
34:08 It means a person is only open to hearing that which doesn't threaten or contradict the image of themselves that they've created
34:25 Arrogance is always the consequence of somebody that's grading themself
34:29 You can't grade your own tests. I'm humble you kind of can't see that
34:37 Number four practice patience
34:49 So people are calling on just help me Jesus come on here master in the name of Jesus
34:55 I'm calling on you now. I
34:58 Need some patience. Come on
35:01 See
35:05 Some people
35:08 We got to be honest here some people
35:10 Process and then they speak that's me
35:16 So so sometimes if you asking me what's wrong, I'm not being funny I don't know yet I
35:22 Know something wrong
35:26 But I got a process cuz I'm not a feeler like that, right? I got a process what I'm feeling so I can name the emotion
35:33 So I have to process then talk some people process while they're talking so they talk themselves in the clarity
35:46 So you like get to the point they trying to
35:48 They're talking themselves into clarity
35:54 So whether you with somebody that's got a process and then talk or whether you're with somebody that processes while they're talking
36:02 You've got to practice patience
36:05 Because if not you'll make assumptions about what you think they mean before they have an opportunity to explain it
36:14 I
36:16 Don't want to be confused
36:23 You missed it they confused they don't want to be I
36:29 Want to be able to tell you what I'm feeling I don't know yet. I just know I'm not right. I
36:35 Just know something's off I
36:39 Just know something's missing and if I had an answer, I promise you I would give it to you
36:45 This is why you need number five you got to be willing to consult their creator
36:52 Because sometimes I
36:58 Remember passion making
37:01 We need to do something together with this because one time she said to me she said, um
37:07 Babe you were asking me what I needed in that season. She said I didn't know
37:12 So sometimes people are in seasons where they got needs they hadn't assessed yet
37:23 So if somebody been in relationship and relationship cycles where people didn't really care about their needs
37:31 They don't they don't know what to do when they meet somebody to care
37:33 You
37:35 Like wait a minute you act you thinking about me
37:40 You want me to share my opinion
37:45 They have to become reacclimated to what it means to be in a relationship where they actually respect it
37:52 Because they know how to manage disrespect
37:57 But they don't know how to manage respect
38:03 We got to call
38:05 They've been disrespected so much they know how to do that
38:11 They don't know what to do with somebody treating them, right and
38:15 Some people have been treated wrong so long when they get treated, right? They call that person weak
38:20 He too weak you just used to people disrespecting you
38:31 So
38:33 There are times where I need to consult a creator say God I need you to show me
38:42 How to minister to them
38:47 Help me see
38:52 Something they might not even be able to say to me
38:54 And some of the most significant shifts
38:59 That have happened in my marriage
39:01 Over two decades some of the most significant shifts were not initiated by conversation with each other
39:08 It came from words from God
39:11 I had to go to her recently
39:20 And say I'm sorry
39:28 Because in the midst of managing all of this
39:32 There is something that I miss see the standard for a bad relationship shouldn't just be mistreatment
39:43 It shouldn't just be ideas something that I shouldn't do
39:49 It was I hadn't been doing all that I should and you hadn't complained
39:55 Because you understand, but it don't make it right
39:58 Just because they understand doesn't mean it's okay
40:08 Shift
40:16 I had the Holy Spirit spoke to me. I had a I
40:22 Do a lot of filming and content creation on Fridays and my schedule so crazy
40:27 So sometimes when I've got up when I got breaks
40:29 What I'm squeezing meetings in and I started noticing something
40:32 I'll be squeezing meetings in and then those meetings sometimes will run over and then a camera crew that I had set up
40:38 Waiting on me would be 15 20 minutes because I ran over me and they just sit and waiting on me
40:45 And then one day I got done filming I was sticking around talking to some people and I saw this gentleman that
40:51 Does some of the workforce?
40:53 Carrying stuff up. It was almost like an hour later. I was like you still breaking down
40:58 He said oh, yeah, I said take that long to break down
41:01 He said yeah, holy ghost spoke to me
41:05 You're not honoring a time
41:11 They understand but that don't make it okay
41:17 He got something else to do too
41:20 I
41:22 Didn't complain God spoke to me
41:30 You got to consult the Creator
41:42 And I believe if we do this it'll shift some relationships I
41:47 Don't know which one of these five things you need to do
41:50 But I pray that God gives you the grace to do them and to do them well
41:52 But I pray that God gives you the grace to do them and to do them well
42:02 So father I pray for wisdom and grace to carry out
42:10 One of these five two of these five all of these five give us wisdom
42:20 On how to take what you said to us and appropriately apply it to our life in Jesus name. Amen
42:26 All right family
42:30 (applause)