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00:00 (upbeat music)
00:02 - Hello everybody, it's Ron and Hope Unfiltered.
00:14 Real, raw and relevant.
00:16 I have no idea what this dude's doing over here
00:18 with his eyes and head down.
00:22 Are you tired?
00:24 You can't be tired.
00:25 - I'm scared of this topic.
00:27 - You went to bed early last night with me
00:29 and I was so proud for you.
00:31 - You talked me into it.
00:32 - 10 o'clock, a miracle, a miracle.
00:36 - We negotiated and I went to bed early.
00:38 - We did not negotiate.
00:39 - We did.
00:40 - I said go to bed.
00:42 - That was not exactly what happened.
00:44 - Anyway.
00:45 - You're leaving out our audience
00:46 on the real, raw and relevant part.
00:48 - No.
00:49 Why are you embarrassed?
00:51 - You wanted me to go to bed early.
00:52 I don't go to bed early.
00:53 And I said it will cost you dearly.
00:57 - Swallow that out of your mouth.
01:00 - Baby, I have been dealing with a sickness.
01:02 - Yeah, but you're going.
01:04 - I've been dealing with a sickness.
01:05 I'm having to do this to keep my voice.
01:07 - Stop.
01:09 - It's clicking in my teeth.
01:10 What?
01:14 - Stop.
01:16 Okay.
01:16 - This goes hand in hand with our topic.
01:18 - Does it?
01:19 No, it don't.
01:20 - Yes, it does.
01:21 It looks like that right there.
01:23 - We're talking about sex after marriage.
01:28 - But now what if we got singles?
01:30 - Or the lack of.
01:31 - What if we got singles?
01:32 - Singles, they need to hear this.
01:36 They need to know what it's really gonna be like
01:38 once they get married.
01:39 - Are we a good barometer though?
01:41 Are we a good measuring stick?
01:43 - Ron, I can't even look at you right now
01:45 with that thing in your mouth.
01:47 - Baby, if I chew it, it's gonna go through the microphone.
01:49 - Take it out.
01:51 - I don't have nothing to spit it on.
01:53 - Okay, we're gonna.
01:55 - I'm chewing it.
01:56 (laughing)
01:57 You should get rid of it.
01:58 - Okay.
02:00 - Go ahead, I got one more half.
02:01 - Okay.
02:03 We're talking about sex after marriage.
02:05 - I'm aware of that.
02:06 - We've been married almost 34 years, Ron.
02:09 We got a lot to say about this subject.
02:12 - Yeah, but you wanted to have sex before marriage
02:15 and I wouldn't.
02:16 - My God.
02:18 - That's why we wanted to have so much after marriage
02:20 is because I wouldn't let you before marriage.
02:22 - Is that right?
02:23 - Yep, I wanted to remain celibate.
02:25 - Did you not want to have sex before we got married?
02:28 - Of course not.
02:28 - I'm not talking about your desire.
02:29 - No.
02:30 - Ron!
02:31 - No, I was a church boy.
02:33 (laughing)
02:35 I was saved.
02:37 - You are a liar.
02:38 - Sanctified.
02:39 - Yes, you were saved.
02:40 - And filled with the Holy Ghost.
02:41 - And that's the thing, you were saved.
02:42 - I was saved.
02:43 I was sanctified.
02:44 No, I was sanctified.
02:45 - You were, not fully.
02:46 No, you were.
02:47 - I was a good boy.
02:48 - You were filled with the Holy Ghost, Ron.
02:50 But you still wanted to have sex.
02:53 I didn't say we did, but you wanted to.
02:55 - Maybe I really didn't.
02:57 I really didn't.
02:59 That didn't come to a good time afterwards.
03:00 - Really?
03:02 - When we said I'd do it, it hit me.
03:03 - Really?
03:04 - Yeah.
03:05 - Oh, wouldn't that be wonderful?
03:06 - That's when it hit me.
03:07 - That would be amazing if God would do it that way,
03:09 but He don't.
03:10 - So we dated three and a half years.
03:13 I call it the Great Tribulation Period.
03:15 (laughing)
03:19 And we were at a time, we met when hormones were high.
03:22 - Yes, we did.
03:24 18, 19.
03:25 - And staying true.
03:26 I'm sure we crossed the lines in somebody's minds,
03:30 but having sex, we did never do that.
03:34 And I'm telling you, that was rough.
03:36 Because we went to a small school.
03:37 We went to a small school in Georgia,
03:40 and small school kind of really exacerbates
03:43 and multiplies your dating experience.
03:46 - We were together 24/7.
03:47 - Yeah, I mean, we were already paying each other's bills,
03:51 working, pulling our money.
03:52 - Breakfast, lunch, dinner.
03:53 - You already, by the time we were dating,
03:55 had my car keys and my checkbook.
03:57 And some things haven't changed at all.
04:00 And so, you know, you was doing my clothes.
04:05 I was out working two or three jobs.
04:07 We did every, I told somebody, I said,
04:09 we were doing all the stuff a married couple does.
04:11 - Except the bonds.
04:12 - Except the good stuff, yeah.
04:13 We weren't allowed to do the fun stuff,
04:16 but we were doing everything else.
04:17 But one thing I am proud of, we didn't do that.
04:21 Didn't say we didn't want to.
04:23 - You did say you didn't want to.
04:25 - But we, well, I'm changing right now.
04:27 I'm coming clean.
04:28 We didn't do that, but I wanna talk,
04:31 you know, this is not what our talk was about,
04:33 but that was rough.
04:34 That was rough.
04:36 - That is hard.
04:37 - Because we were serious, we loved Jesus.
04:38 - Knowing we're getting married, trying to stay pure.
04:40 - That's when it got worse.
04:41 I think after we got engaged, would you agree, it got worse?
04:44 - Yes.
04:45 After we got engaged, it got worse
04:46 because I knew I was marrying you.
04:49 I didn't have a plan B,
04:50 I don't plan on having several marriages.
04:52 I knew I was getting married.
04:54 You knew you were getting married.
04:55 We were madly in love.
04:57 And we were together a lot.
05:00 I mean, we even traveled and sung and preached together.
05:02 I'm talking about we were together.
05:04 We would get after classes on Friday,
05:05 we would pack up the car, drive somewhere,
05:08 and I would preach a revival for the weekend,
05:10 and you were like the singer and the worship leader.
05:12 - Right, and we'd have to stay at the preacher's house.
05:14 - Yeah, we stayed at the preacher's house
05:15 in two different bedrooms.
05:17 We were together all the time.
05:20 And that made things very, very difficult
05:24 'cause you were a very beautiful, attractive lady,
05:27 and I was a--
05:29 - Very good-looking, attractive young man.
05:32 - Well, I'm 19 when I met you.
05:33 I was 19. - Yes.
05:34 - Yeah, I was 19 years old,
05:36 so I mean, that's right when everything in your body's
05:40 buzzing about that time.
05:41 So I'm not gonna lie.
05:43 We might do a dating thing.
05:46 I don't wanna just, I know we got a lot of our audience
05:49 that's probably our age or older,
05:51 and I don't want them to say,
05:52 "Well, I don't need to listen to this one,"
05:53 but we might craft together some dating things.
05:56 I think we got some things to say.
05:57 - We do.
05:58 - When it comes to that because it can be accomplished.
06:01 There's no more red-blooded American boy than me,
06:06 but I do know that if you--
06:07 - You had a lot of self-control, man.
06:09 - Are you being funny?
06:12 No, I'm saying you had a lot of self-control.
06:14 - I tried, I tried.
06:15 - And you had a real relationship with the Lord
06:18 to where you--
06:19 - That created those boundaries.
06:20 - Created boundaries.
06:21 - And here again, it didn't mean I didn't want you,
06:25 didn't mean I didn't want to.
06:26 There were boundaries of right and wrong
06:29 that meant a lot to me, and they meant a lot to you.
06:32 And we were able to survive that three and a half years.
06:38 And then I made up, if I remember right,
06:40 for the whole three and a half years on our wedding night.
06:43 - Oh my God.
06:45 Help us all.
06:47 - And one night, you reaped the benefits--
06:52 - Really?
06:52 - Of three years--
06:54 - Really?
06:54 - And one--
06:56 - Ronald.
06:57 - It was like a miraculous night.
06:58 - It was miraculously quick.
07:01 (laughing)
07:03 I will say that.
07:04 - Baby, I was excited to be married.
07:08 (laughing)
07:10 I was excited to be married.
07:12 Oh my God.
07:13 - I was just excited to be with you.
07:15 - Oh, geez.
07:17 I remember you said to me, you said,
07:19 "I'm sorry, I'll make it up to you tomorrow."
07:23 - Hey, was the next day better?
07:25 - Yeah, it was a little better.
07:26 - Next day better, it was like four and a half minutes?
07:30 We doubled our time.
07:31 (laughing)
07:33 We went from two to four minutes.
07:34 - I'm done with you right now.
07:36 - Baby, I was just super excited.
07:38 - You were.
07:39 - I was so happy.
07:40 - So happy.
07:42 (laughing)
07:43 But you tell this funny little joke
07:47 at the marriage conference.
07:48 Why don't you tell it to our listeners?
07:50 - No, is this certain foods you have to watch out for?
07:54 - Is it certain foods?
07:55 - Yeah, there's foods you have to watch out for
07:57 that it is clinically proven
07:59 that really can destroy or inhibit sex drive.
08:03 And they don't tell you that while you're dating.
08:05 They only tell you that when you get older.
08:06 - 'Cause we're talking about sex after marriage.
08:08 - Sex after marriage.
08:09 And so, you know, the one food they said
08:14 that is just a sex drive killer
08:16 that I would like to acknowledge and encourage people
08:19 to try to stay away from is wedding cake.
08:21 (laughing)
08:23 - It destroys your sex drive.
08:30 - It destroys sex drive, yes.
08:32 - It's called wedding cake.
08:33 - Don't eat the wedding cake.
08:35 Your sex drive will remain high
08:37 until you eat the wedding cake
08:38 and when you eat the wedding cake,
08:39 it's a sex drive destroyer.
08:41 - But isn't that a funny thing though?
08:43 - Let's talk about the first thing, sex after marriage.
08:45 First season, five years without kids.
08:48 Expectation versus reality.
08:52 Don't hurt my feelings. - That's what I'm saying.
08:54 - Don't embarrass me bad.
08:54 - Isn't that a funny thing though?
08:56 You're about to die to have sex when you're not supposed to
09:00 and you get married and you're like, mm.
09:03 - Life hits. - Life hits, yeah.
09:06 - Life hits. - Yeah.
09:08 - And we come out of the gate,
09:09 we come out of the gate and full blown,
09:12 nobody comes out of the gate and starts a business.
09:15 We got married and started a business.
09:17 So we got married with no income.
09:19 - Right.
09:20 - So we immediately turned into Christian hustlers.
09:24 Hustling.
09:27 - I hate that word.
09:29 - You know what I'm talking about.
09:30 You taught voice lessons.
09:33 I know you-- - I worked at the apartment.
09:34 - You worked at an apartment complex.
09:37 I was preaching everywhere.
09:38 - I was in school. - And I saved for $50.
09:39 I remember people would give me $50.
09:41 If I'd speak to their youth group, $25.
09:44 That's what I'm talking about when I say hustlers,
09:45 not in the negative, but we were hustling.
09:47 We were just-- - Trying to make it.
09:48 - Trying to make it.
09:49 And so we come right out of the gate.
09:51 A lot of people get married,
09:53 especially I've noticed on the West Coast.
09:55 Their career and then they circle back.
09:57 So I mean, they're advanced in their career.
10:00 - They might have some money in the bank.
10:00 - Businesses, eight or nine years old,
10:02 money in the bank, some of them own houses.
10:04 And then they circle back
10:05 'cause you see guys on the West Coast out here
10:07 where we're filming from this time,
10:09 you see guys 42 years old rocking a baby in their arms.
10:12 - Yeah, I can't imagine that.
10:13 - And 42 years old, all our kids were in college
10:16 or getting married.
10:18 And so I have noticed East Coast, West Coast,
10:20 there's a different dynamic.
10:21 But we came out of the gate hustling.
10:24 That probably was not the smartest way to do it.
10:26 But you knew what you was getting into.
10:28 You knew how I was built.
10:30 You knew I was not a company man
10:32 and I was not a system guy.
10:34 And so I immediately,
10:37 even though I love my parents and everything,
10:38 I wanted to get out of it,
10:40 which meant we had no support.
10:41 - Right.
10:42 - And so--
10:43 - So it was hard, in other words.
10:44 - So life hits.
10:45 And now I remember, sex after marriage,
10:49 stress on the woman, sex drive goes down.
10:53 Stress on the man, sex drive goes up.
10:56 - Not compatible.
10:57 - To men, to women, there is a desire for uniqueness.
11:04 There's a desire to be special.
11:06 There's a desire, there's no woman like me.
11:08 There's no one you feel about like you feel about me.
11:11 There's some things other than the physical pleasure
11:14 that a woman wants to leave soulishly
11:16 from that event with.
11:18 Men, that event is so much of a release to a man.
11:23 So when a stress level goes high,
11:25 that becomes a great form of release.
11:27 I heard Sheryl Brady say, and I never got it,
11:29 said a woman is a man's sedative.
11:32 That is such a true statement.
11:34 'Cause I said, when they couldn't, nobody calm me down.
11:36 You can look me in the eyes and calm me down.
11:37 - But the same woman who can calm you down
11:39 can rile you up too. - Can rile you up.
11:41 But you can, when you see something in my eyes,
11:44 you see me mad, you see something scare me,
11:47 you can come up, you can put your hand on me,
11:49 you can look me right in my eyes,
11:50 and you can bring me right back down.
11:51 - But I think that's because,
11:53 you've talked about this several times from the pulpit,
11:56 that the name for woman is the same name--
12:01 - For Holy Spirit. - For Holy Spirit.
12:02 - He's Comforter.
12:03 - He's the Comforter. - He's Comforter.
12:05 He's a helper, he's all these other things.
12:07 So what God called the Holy Spirit,
12:09 he called the woman to the man.
12:11 And I know that you are that to me.
12:13 I know that a woman, in her truest sense of her nature,
12:17 can function like that.
12:19 So I would say in that first season, married, no kids,
12:23 we were somewhat in a survival mode.
12:26 We lived in really dumpy places.
12:27 We didn't have money for vacations.
12:30 - Or groceries. - Yeah, we just didn't,
12:33 we had to enjoy each other,
12:36 because there were not activities, really,
12:39 we could engage in.
12:40 An activity for us was enough to get gas in the car
12:43 to go on a drive.
12:43 - So you thought I was your only Disney World.
12:46 - Well, I loved you enough for you to be my Disney World,
12:49 and so I enjoyed those experiences with you.
12:53 But I do remember we were stressed.
12:56 I remember stress working on you.
12:58 I remember you having some intestinal problems
13:00 because of that level of stress.
13:02 And I remember for the first time,
13:05 I had to be cognizant of the fact,
13:08 you know when you're dating,
13:08 it seems like you're on all the time,
13:11 man and boy to me.
13:12 If we ever started kissing or something,
13:15 it was immediately, we had to start putting boundaries
13:18 in place and everything else,
13:19 because it just seemed like the switch is there.
13:22 When stress hits, that is just not the case.
13:26 And it don't mean you love me less
13:27 than you did before we were dating.
13:29 I think you loved me more.
13:31 I think it's just harder for a woman.
13:32 - But you were finishing school too.
13:34 - Yeah, because we can't compartmentalize like y'all can.
13:38 Everything is so, let's talk about that when we come back.
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13:45 You know what, Ron, when I look at pictures of my kids,
13:48 - You get tired. - We're old.
13:50 You said we get tired.
13:52 No, I just realize that they're grown now
13:56 and how fast they've grown up.
13:58 And it hits me hard, I'm getting older.
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16:03 - So second stage of marriage, kids.
16:09 That's a whole--
16:11 - Oh goodness gracious.
16:12 It's hairy scary.
16:15 It's just crazy.
16:15 - I think this is where the compartmentalism
16:17 conversation comes in real big.
16:20 Another thing not prepared for, nobody taught me.
16:24 That's why our marriage conference is so good.
16:26 I'm just gonna tell you.
16:27 We go back and tell all these things to nobody who told us.
16:31 And these things are across the board,
16:33 applicable to everybody.
16:34 They weren't a Ron and Hope thing.
16:36 These are everybody things.
16:38 And so let me talk about the compartmentalization.
16:40 The biological makeup,
16:43 psychological makeup of the man and the woman.
16:46 When you were dating Hope,
16:48 it's funny but I'm being serious at the same time.
16:51 I could start kissing you
16:53 and you didn't give a crap where we were.
16:55 You didn't care.
16:57 You didn't care if we was in the woods, in the car,
16:59 you didn't care if I was in a mall.
17:00 I remember sitting there waiting
17:01 to get a table at a restaurant one time.
17:03 I just reached over and laid one on you
17:04 and you laid it right back.
17:06 I mean, you just, I don't know, youth, carefree.
17:10 I don't know what it is.
17:11 It just didn't matter.
17:13 You never said, "Don't kiss me here."
17:14 I don't ever remember hearing that one time.
17:15 - I think that though Ron is immaturity
17:17 and that is youthfulness.
17:19 - Immaturity, youthfulness.
17:20 And I'll chalk it all up to that.
17:23 And we were crazy about each other.
17:24 We were a little, a lot of people dated,
17:27 we were nuts about each other.
17:28 - Public displays of affection,
17:30 what other people thought, our reputation.
17:32 - But let me tell you about how that changes.
17:35 Compartmentalization.
17:37 Men just don't understand.
17:39 Well, when we were dating you would,
17:42 and when we were dating you didn't seem to care.
17:44 Because they take it personal
17:46 but it's something that is happening inside the woman,
17:49 especially when kids come.
17:51 The woman becomes so connected to her environment.
17:56 She is connected to her surroundings.
17:58 Yes, everything matters.
18:01 And everything goes right into that sex bed.
18:04 It's the dangest thing.
18:07 Men can take everything, put it in a box.
18:11 - And take it out of the bed.
18:12 - They can just get the worst news they've ever gotten
18:16 but if a sexual opportunity is at hand,
18:18 they can take that thing, seal it up,
18:20 put it in a vault, set it over there
18:22 and act like it does not even exist.
18:25 Okay, not so for a woman.
18:27 Ron, would you, that place back there,
18:33 that hole back in the back of the house,
18:35 you know I hate mice.
18:36 I want to get that place taken care of
18:39 and get that baseboard put back over it
18:41 'cause I'm scared mice are gonna get back in there.
18:43 Okay, if a month has gone by
18:46 and that has not been done and you want sex,
18:49 let me tell you something. - That's all I think about.
18:51 - Her sexuality and what you have not done
18:56 with that little hole where mice come in
18:58 are connected and almost one.
19:00 - Yep.
19:02 - It is amazing.
19:03 It is, a man can be in the middle of lovemaking
19:07 and you can think you are just doing the most amazing job
19:10 and she'll look right in your eyes and say,
19:12 did you cut the oven off?
19:13 (laughing)
19:15 And you're like--
19:17 - Did you put the dishes in the dishwasher like you said?
19:19 - What?
19:20 What?
19:22 Did you check on the kids or all the kids?
19:25 I mean right in the middle.
19:27 I don't mean at the beginning or what.
19:29 I mean right in-- - Oh, Ronald.
19:31 - Did you check, did you cut the kids' lights off?
19:33 And I'm like, at that moment, Hope,
19:35 you gotta understand the man don't even realize
19:37 that y'all have kids.
19:38 - Ron.
19:39 - He's like, we have children.
19:42 (laughing)
19:44 What's their names?
19:45 I don't even remember their names at that moment.
19:48 And I saw the Viagra commercial one time
19:52 and they said, if you get lightheaded
19:54 or you get blurry vision and all that stuff,
19:58 probably don't need to take it.
19:59 I thought, well, that's been happening to me
20:00 for about 30 years.
20:01 I get blurry vision.
20:03 (laughing)
20:06 - Lightheaded.
20:06 - Like if Viagra did that to me,
20:08 I don't know what I would do.
20:11 - Jesus, help him.
20:11 - I have moments where I don't know where I am.
20:13 - Help him, God.
20:14 - I have moments where I don't know what's going on.
20:16 (laughing)
20:17 I have times where I look at you and say,
20:19 what just happened?
20:20 So anyway, this is a good topic.
20:25 - Ladies, you aren't the only one.
20:27 It's all the men.
20:29 It's all the men.
20:31 - That's something that I was not prepared for
20:34 because that was the beginning of the stage
20:37 where you still had the ability,
20:40 let's talk really real, okay?
20:41 You still had the ability to give great sex,
20:44 but I had to get you out of that environment.
20:46 Up 'til then, I had never had to do that.
20:50 Our little apartment.
20:50 - And you took it personal, let's be honest.
20:52 - I didn't understand.
20:54 I didn't understand because I come up
20:56 and I grab you and you like swat my hand down.
20:59 I'm like, why?
21:00 'Cause the baby's up here in the bathtub, Ron.
21:03 Everything just changes.
21:05 You're connected to the baby
21:07 and then I go back to when we were dating,
21:09 you weren't connected to anything.
21:10 - And then I get mad at you.
21:11 I'm like, you're not connected to the baby?
21:12 You don't care?
21:14 - Not when it comes to that.
21:15 No, we're not.
21:17 I can take the baby, pull the curtain.
21:19 I'll see you in a few minutes.
21:20 We can do that. - That's awful.
21:21 - We can do that and we can do it so easy
21:24 and we'll let the oven keep running
21:26 and we'll let the mice keep coming in
21:28 because at that moment, we're like a light switch.
21:31 Yes, it's on or it's off.
21:33 I've told you a woman--
21:34 - Why did God do this?
21:35 - A woman is like the cockpit of a 747.
21:39 There's so many buttons.
21:41 - Yep.
21:42 - Okay, you get over here to man,
21:44 it is a light switch, it's on or off
21:46 and if you, being a beautiful woman
21:48 who I'm deeply in love with,
21:50 if you turn me on, at that point,
21:52 nothing else matters at that point
21:55 until that expression has completed itself.
21:58 Then I can go back to whatever it was I was doing.
21:59 - So how do we live together in peace
22:01 when we're so, so different?
22:03 - We negotiate and we talk and we learn
22:05 just like we're doing.
22:06 What are we teaching them?
22:07 What we've learned.
22:08 So we negotiate, Ron, this isn't personal
22:10 'cause it feels like rejection.
22:13 I didn't say it was, but you got to understand,
22:17 okay, let's get in my world.
22:18 To the man, getting told no
22:21 or getting his hand swatted down
22:25 or I'm in here cooking, don't mess with me,
22:27 that feels like rejection.
22:30 It's not.
22:32 It's you're connected to something else at that moment
22:35 and that's not where your mind is.
22:36 - So maybe we need to send this to all the men.
22:39 They need to learn.
22:40 - Well, I'm telling you about me too.
22:41 You need to learn me.
22:42 It feels like rejection.
22:43 - I've already learned you.
22:44 - What did I tell in the marriage conference?
22:45 - I've already learned you.
22:47 - But what did I tell women in the marriage conference?
22:50 - You got to be conquerable.
22:50 - You got to be conquerable.
22:51 - Sometimes.
22:52 - A man is a hunter and we can't live with somebody
22:55 that can't be conquered.
22:57 There's got to be a time where there is a spontaneity.
23:00 There's got to be a time where you turn around
23:01 and say, I'm turning these beans off.
23:02 It's right now, homie.
23:03 - Oh my goodness.
23:04 - I mean, it's right.
23:05 There's got to be times where you grab my tie
23:07 and pull it up and choke and yank me on into the bed.
23:09 - Ronald.
23:10 - Yep.
23:11 And you got to do it right then.
23:12 Why?
23:13 Because that makes our dreams come true
23:14 and it makes us feel like this.
23:15 - It makes all our dreams come true.
23:18 - It makes us feel like this right here.
23:19 (laughing)
23:21 - It makes all our dreams come true.
23:24 - Makes us feel like Hercules.
23:25 - Hercules.
23:26 - Hercules.
23:27 - Oh my God.
23:28 - Okay, so I do, I get on the men and the women.
23:31 I tried to help the men understand
23:32 the compartmentalization part.
23:34 - Oh man.
23:35 - How the woman's connected.
23:36 But I turn around and tell the woman,
23:37 listen man, you got to be seducible.
23:38 You got to be conquered sometime.
23:41 We can't live with something that can never be conquered.
23:45 And so I think, I think, hope it's always,
23:49 we also do a thing in our marriage conference,
23:50 and it's in a marriage conference promotional,
23:52 but we do a thing on how to argue.
23:55 In other words, you know, nobody can come into anything
23:59 who wants all the chips on their side of the table.
24:01 - Who win all the time or who lose all the time.
24:03 - I can't, the only time you and I are ever intimate
24:06 is when I can take you on a vacation.
24:08 - Right.
24:09 - Okay, that's not reality.
24:09 And on most people's pocketbooks,
24:11 it's sure in reality, okay, with kids.
24:14 It's just not, at the same time,
24:16 there's got to be an understanding.
24:19 When you're cooking, and there's a kid over there
24:21 in the high chair.
24:22 - Me and don't do it.
24:23 - And there's another one watching, yeah.
24:24 I can't come up there and start rubbing you all
24:27 strategically and expect a positive response.
24:29 - Right.
24:30 - It is a negotiation.
24:32 It is a meeting in the middle,
24:33 and it is an understanding of each other and where you are.
24:37 Now, what was one of your nicknames?
24:39 Let's just tell everybody.
24:41 One of the big, you've got a lot of them.
24:43 - I'm not telling it.
24:44 You tell it.
24:44 - The biggest, County Line.
24:46 - He calls me County Line because he loves--
24:48 - If I ever got you out of town.
24:50 - What happens when he takes me out of town.
24:52 - If I ever got you out of town.
24:54 Now, I used to think it was just getting you out of town.
24:58 It has nothing to do with getting you out of town.
25:01 'Cause I've seen you love me at a Rich Carlton,
25:04 and I've seen you love me at a Holiday Inn.
25:06 So I'm realizing, okay,
25:07 it don't really have nothing to do with the place.
25:09 What it has to do with is I have disconnected you--
25:12 - From responsibility.
25:13 - From everything that pulls on you.
25:15 - Yeah, and we are not saying this,
25:18 that the men are these hound dogs all the time, 100%.
25:23 Sometimes in marriage, it's reversed.
25:27 I've known, we've had some--
25:29 - These are generalities.
25:29 - Yes, but there are people who really struggle
25:32 where the woman is the aggressor and the man's not.
25:34 We're talking about, it doesn't matter which one is.
25:38 You both have to negotiate.
25:40 - So I never finished how to argue.
25:42 When you argue, number one, stick to the issue.
25:45 Don't be one of these people that turns into personal attacks
25:47 and you end up talking about each other's mama.
25:49 No, we're talking about the fact
25:51 we ain't had sex in two weeks.
25:53 That's the issue.
25:54 Okay, why?
25:56 Why in you?
25:57 Why in me?
25:58 Why?
25:59 And then number three, negotiate.
26:01 And then the final stage is you come
26:03 to some level of compromise.
26:04 Okay, I understand that when you first wake up
26:07 in the morning, you just really are not into it.
26:09 - Right.
26:10 - Okay, I get that.
26:11 That's compromise.
26:12 And then you understand, like, baby,
26:14 I understand Sundays for you are a very stressful day
26:19 and you'd love to have spent Sunday evenings with me
26:21 instead of me going out with my girlfriends.
26:24 Talking.
26:25 - Yeah, communication is so key.
26:29 Saying what you really feel.
26:31 - Now we--
26:32 - And being honest.
26:33 - We're going to go to some people,
26:34 and I can hear the 25 year olds who are just getting married
26:37 or engaged, they're saying, "Yuck."
26:40 But now, you and I are peaking in our years of influence.
26:45 Our schedule is unlike anything I've ever seen.
26:54 I'm just going to be honest with you.
26:57 It's never been like this for me or you.
26:59 We're really having to work it and massage it,
27:02 and people just really don't know.
27:03 They just see you over here, and they see you in this state,
27:05 and they see you on this person's Instagram,
27:08 and they see you in this green room,
27:09 and they see you holding up this book.
27:10 I think they think it just happens.
27:12 - No.
27:13 - There is a grind.
27:15 - It's quite a nightmare.
27:16 - That I wouldn't trade places with anybody,
27:19 but to think all this stuff's just happening.
27:21 Well, we're just preaching in Greenville,
27:22 and here's our church, and we're just preaching
27:24 in California, and here's our church.
27:25 I mean, there is a grind to it.
27:28 Having said that, you and I have actually had talks
27:32 about what our needs are, and how many times a week,
27:37 or how many times a month.
27:39 - We've actually had to have that discussion even early on.
27:42 - You know, we had that discussion about how many times
27:44 a week that you felt like you needed it,
27:47 and I think you said 13?
27:48 - Oh my gosh.
27:54 I think that might have been you.
27:55 - I think we settled on 13, didn't we?
27:59 - No.
28:01 Tell 'em how many times you pursued me.
28:01 - I think it was twice a day, and once on Sunday,
28:04 it's 13 times.
28:05 - Tell 'em how many times you pursued me last year for sex.
28:08 - Last year, I attempted to have sex 365 times without.
28:12 I succeeded 61.
28:15 About 90 of those, I was told I have a headache.
28:21 - Oh my goodness.
28:23 - There's another 58 times where I was told it's too late.
28:27 There's about another 70 to 75 times I was told not now.
28:34 - Oh my gosh.
28:35 - Or not here.
28:36 - Not here?
28:38 - And then the rest of the time, like 125 times I was told,
28:41 "Is that all you ever think about?"
28:43 - And you said yes.
28:45 - So, I made 365 attempts.
28:49 - Struggle is real.
28:50 - Yep, it is a struggle.
28:53 Yep.
28:54 - It's real.
28:55 - So, the compartmentalization, the getting out of town,
28:59 you got the nickname County Line.
29:01 I used to like, would save every penny
29:03 just to get you out of town,
29:05 because it was so different, Hope.
29:07 Can we talk?
29:10 The lovemaking was so different.
29:12 The level of passion and involvement was so different,
29:17 and I didn't know the dynamic behind that.
29:18 I literally thought it was a place.
29:20 - No.
29:21 - I couldn't get her there.
29:22 - No.
29:23 - It really, it had nothing to do with distance,
29:26 or whether it was an island,
29:27 or whether it was the mountains.
29:28 - It was disengaging your mind.
29:29 - Yes, yes.
29:30 - Disengaging your mind.
29:32 - I always put the burden on the man.
29:34 The Bible says to dwell with her with knowledge.
29:37 So, you have to be a lifelong student of your woman.
29:40 She don't have to be a lifelong student of you.
29:44 - No, 'cause there's not much to know.
29:46 - Yes, you are, honestly, you are a much simpler creation.
29:48 You are much easier to understand.
29:50 But a woman is not simple.
29:53 I think a woman needs to know you're not simple.
29:56 I think you need to know that you have to be studied
29:59 in order for us to get you,
30:00 and sometimes we still don't get you.
30:03 And with a man, yes is yes, no is no.
30:06 With a woman, you don't know if it's a real no,
30:08 you don't know if it's a real yes.
30:11 It can be something in the middle.
30:12 - 'Cause we want you to already know it.
30:14 - There's all kind of things going on there,
30:16 which means I become a student of hope.
30:19 Now, I'm gonna tell you, I've taken that verse seriously.
30:21 - Yeah, you know me pretty well, Ronald.
30:24 - I do.
30:25 There's a few times I didn't have a clue
30:28 what was going on inside of you,
30:30 and I look at you confused, but over time,
30:33 and I think that's, here again,
30:34 that's one of the great parts.
30:36 - I think that is a beautiful aspect of marriage,
30:40 is you don't know it all when you first get married,
30:43 and I think that's why so many people end in divorce
30:46 because they give up on the journey
30:49 when they get frustrated, or they hit roadblocks,
30:52 or they reach arguments that can't find a resolve,
30:57 but that's the beautiful thing about marriage
30:59 is the discovery, the learning, the growing together,
31:02 the becoming one.
31:03 - You say the discovery, the discovery emotionally.
31:06 - All of it.
31:07 - You're on a cycle.
31:08 - Yeah.
31:09 - Okay?
31:10 You're on a cycle, I'm not.
31:13 That cycle, there are things you have a greater propensity
31:17 to be interested in at different times than at others.
31:19 I have had to dwell with you in knowledge.
31:21 Understand your body is on a cycle.
31:24 God put it on one.
31:25 - Yep.
31:26 Certain times of the month, the emotions are high.
31:28 - Exactly right.
31:29 - Other times, they're low.
31:31 - And here again, the burden is on the man to dwell,
31:34 to know you biologically.
31:36 - And every woman's different.
31:38 - There's some men that just frustrate a woman
31:41 because they do not know how to be sexually intimate
31:45 with a woman.
31:46 They just know self-gratification.
31:47 - Right.
31:48 - And so it's just a big ball of frustration for a woman.
31:51 Why?
31:51 Because he does not know her anatomy.
31:53 He does not understand her biology,
31:56 how God put her together.
31:58 All these things are, listen,
32:00 not a begrudging, grinding journey, a beautiful.
32:04 - Yeah, it is.
32:05 - Beautiful journey.
32:07 That's why I've heard you say several times lately,
32:10 'cause you've been doing a lot of interviews,
32:12 you say you're having your best life in your 50s.
32:15 Explain that.
32:16 - I just think--
32:18 - And why do you think that is?
32:19 - Well, many reasons, mainly because
32:22 I went on a healing journey years ago, 12, 13 years ago,
32:28 and dealt with me, got to the bottom of me,
32:32 got some healing, some real true healing.
32:35 And so then I really felt like I started living
32:38 the life God had called me to live.
32:40 We started living out of purity.
32:44 We started living out of honesty.
32:47 We started, I started speaking the truth in love.
32:51 I didn't hide, I didn't go underground.
32:55 And I think God can work through that.
32:58 And I think we're happier than we've ever been.
33:00 We're more truthful than we've ever been.
33:04 And we're flourishing.
33:08 - We've learned so much.
33:10 Once you hit 55 years old, you've been through some things.
33:13 - There's a lot in the rear view mirror.
33:14 - There's a lot in the rear view mirror.
33:16 So we've learned so, so much.
33:18 - So we went through that first stage of,
33:20 you're probably still a little bit like rabbits,
33:25 ain't got no kids, ain't got a lot of responsibilities.
33:28 Finally, you've got sex in its proper context,
33:31 which is marriage.
33:32 So it's a carryover from the hormonal dating stages.
33:36 Then you hit that kid stage.
33:38 - Life sets in.
33:40 Even before you have kids, life sets in.
33:43 And then you come home and you're like,
33:44 dang, I thought I'd be having more sex than this.
33:46 But you're not.
33:47 - The compartmentalization of the career, kids,
33:51 where I'm just connected.
33:53 I can't have sex till I answer these emails.
33:57 Because while I know that I got those 22 emails
34:01 I got to respond to, it's hanging over my mind.
34:03 That is a very real thing for a female.
34:05 A guy does not even know he has a computer at that point.
34:09 Because once he gets turned on,
34:11 that's all he thinks about and nothing else matters.
34:14 So I would go to the third stage.
34:16 I don't want to make us old fogies
34:20 because I think you and I really intentionalize
34:24 relevancy to young couples and young crowds
34:26 and surround ourself with young people.
34:28 I think that's important.
34:29 However, then you get to those menopausal years
34:33 where your child-- - Kids rob a house.
34:35 - Your childbearing days are over.
34:36 There's a double whammy going on.
34:38 One of them is a blessing, one of them is difficult.
34:41 The menopausal stages are with a man.
34:43 It could be starting the first time ever
34:46 deal with some dysfunction.
34:47 - Yep.
34:48 - And then secondly, but you're empty nesters.
34:51 So you're not attached to all these responsibilities.
34:55 A lot of them are gone, but your body has changed.
34:57 - Your body is not doing exactly
35:01 what you want it to do all the time.
35:02 - Your body's changed.
35:04 And you have retained so much of your beauty,
35:09 but a lot of women are, after that 30-year haul is over,
35:15 they're embarrassed of what their body looks like.
35:18 And you can't be void of letting your husband
35:20 see your body.
35:22 Your husband is very optical, he is very visual.
35:25 And although you don't think you're pretty,
35:27 you understand you're pretty to him.
35:29 And you are the only woman, biblically,
35:32 he is allowed to look at.
35:34 And I've told people in the marriage conference,
35:36 I said, "Ladies," I said, "You know,
35:38 "if you don't want him to see you,
35:39 "and as soon as you get out,
35:40 "you wrap yourself in a towel,
35:41 "and as soon as that, you throw on your house coat,
35:43 "and as soon as your house coat,
35:44 "you throw the covers over and turn off the light."
35:45 - You love a house coat, don't you?
35:46 - I can't stand them.
35:47 And I said, "If you do that, and you never let him see you,"
35:51 I said, "He's built to look."
35:54 - So then you'll be tempted.
35:55 - That's exactly right.
35:56 He's built to look, but you won't let him look at you.
35:59 He's forbidden to look at porn.
36:02 Where does he go?
36:03 And women gotta understand.
36:05 - But you know what, we're afraid if we let you just look
36:08 or sneak a peek, it won't stop there.
36:11 - It's probably not.
36:12 - Oh, we can't just let you look.
36:14 - But let us be--
36:14 - Just look.
36:15 - Look, let us be--
36:16 - And then go back to what you were doing.
36:17 - No, let us be this.
36:18 - Oh my, this.
36:19 - Let us be this.
36:20 - Let us be great.
36:21 - Yes.
36:21 - Let us be great.
36:23 - Let us conquer.
36:24 - You're crazy.
36:25 - Yes.
36:26 - This has been awesome.
36:28 - We ain't finished.
36:28 - We're not?
36:29 - Mm-mm.
36:30 (laughing)
36:31 - We're not talking about bathing suits over 50.
36:32 - No, we're not.
36:34 - Why?
36:35 - No.
36:36 - Why?
36:37 - Ron.
36:38 - Baby, they need to know, 'cause it'll help
36:40 some of these people.
36:41 - You tell 'em.
36:42 - Okay, we have three bathing suit drawers.
36:46 We have a chester drawer up against the wall
36:48 in front of the bed, and at the bottom,
36:49 it has three rows of drawers.
36:50 On the left is the public--
36:54 The public--
36:55 - Collection.
36:56 - Collection.
36:58 And we do--
36:59 - One pieces.
37:00 - We have a pool.
37:01 We have people over.
37:03 We entertain.
37:04 We cook out.
37:06 We do go on trips sometimes with other couples,
37:08 other preachers and preachers' wives are there sometimes.
37:10 We're at conferences, and everybody,
37:12 after classes all day, they'll say,
37:14 "Let's go hit the pool a little while."
37:15 So we have to have the public collection.
37:18 - It's a one piece.
37:20 - But in the middle is the Ron collection.
37:24 The Ron collection is very different
37:28 from the public collection.
37:30 I won't go into all the way why,
37:31 but it's good to have these different collections.
37:34 You can't--
37:34 - What is this?
37:35 When do I wear these?
37:36 - Ladies, you can't let his personal collection
37:39 be your church collection.
37:41 They have to be two separate drawers.
37:43 - Okay, so what is the Ron collection?
37:45 Is that when we're together, just me and you at the beach?
37:47 - The Ron collection is when we're at our own pool
37:49 or when we're at the beach.
37:50 We got this one little island we go to,
37:52 and with the room, we get actually--
37:54 - As its own pool.
37:55 - As a private little pool around it, and we go there.
37:57 Those are the Ron collections.
37:58 But then there's this third drawer.
38:00 And I've named it, you know,
38:05 I've named it straight up skank,
38:07 is what I've just named it.
38:10 Just--
38:11 (laughing)
38:12 - Just straight up skank.
38:15 When do I wear that though, Ron?
38:16 I mean, the other one, Ron collection was just me and you.
38:19 - Those are when it's just me and you
38:24 and I can talk you into it.
38:26 (laughing)
38:28 - Right, that might be once or twice a year,
38:31 and you can talk me into it.
38:32 - That's after I've taken you shopping
38:34 or I know there's something you want really bad.
38:36 - Oh, got it.
38:36 - And I use it as a wagering tool.
38:39 (laughing)
38:40 - That ain't even biblical, Ron.
38:41 - You want those shoes, okay.
38:43 - Put on that green one.
38:44 - Do you know the third drawer right over there,
38:46 the skank drawer?
38:47 - That's not even biblical.
38:48 - Okay, so I remember one time,
38:49 I hope me and you used to, you know,
38:52 when you started, when we started being pastor
38:54 and pastor's wives, you just, I just told you,
38:56 you came out one time in one of them little skirt things
38:58 and I said, look, baby, I'm not going down like that.
39:01 I'm not growing old with these little skirt bathing suits.
39:04 I said, I'm just not.
39:05 And you looked at me frustrated.
39:07 You said, Ron, what kind of bathing suit do you like?
39:10 And I said, baby, I like those bathing suits
39:14 that look like they just shrunk like.
39:16 (laughing)
39:19 - All right, guys.
39:21 (laughing)
39:23 This is Ron and Hope.
39:24 - I like the one that you see tension.
39:27 - This is Ron and Hope unfiltered.
39:29 - That's for the third stage.
39:30 - What?
39:31 - The menopausal stage.
39:33 What are some of the things that changed during that stage?
39:37 To me, to me, when some of those cycles were finished,
39:42 'cause you did have a hysterectomy.
39:44 - I did.
39:45 - Which put you in an early menopause.
39:47 I would tell people who are house full of kids,
39:52 career stress, compartmentalization,
39:56 we don't have a lot of money to get babysitters,
39:58 it's hard to get away.
39:59 I would tell you to hold on.
40:00 - You have to hold on.
40:02 - Because listen, that empty nest,
40:04 all these cycles are finished.
40:09 - But I will say-- - That is a good season.
40:10 - It is a good season, but I wanna encourage you,
40:13 if you're in your 20s, 30s, you got young kids,
40:18 guys, you have got to set aside time and money for dates.
40:23 You have got to.
40:26 You got to invest in each other.
40:27 You can't just say, I'm gonna hold on,
40:29 I'm gonna be frustrated, this is the way I am,
40:32 we got kids in the house.
40:34 No, you gotta invest in each other.
40:36 I mean, if it's only once a month,
40:38 and you set aside time to get babysitter for two hours,
40:42 go to the Motel 6, do whatever you gotta do.
40:48 - Let me end with this.
40:49 Do you think I need to tell them that advice
40:50 that old man gave me that time,
40:53 about keeping a good marriage healthy a long time?
40:55 - You shouldn't.
40:56 Ron.
40:58 - Okay.
40:59 - No.
41:00 - I think it's sound advice, but go ahead, sage advice.
41:03 - We are not.
41:05 - It's real raw and relevant.
41:06 - Yeah, but only for a certain audience.
41:09 - Sage advice.
41:11 - Anyway, you have to take time, you really do,
41:15 because that is nothing but a playground for the devil.
41:17 If you don't.
41:18 You have to, you have to invest in each other.
41:22 - Can I say, honestly, there's a propensity for the women
41:27 to almost lose sight of that part of her life,
41:31 almost all together.
41:32 - Totally, because you feel like, my kids are first,
41:35 I gotta invest in them, I gotta spend time with them.
41:39 - You're nursing.
41:39 - Yeah.
41:40 - It's a pull, everything's a pull, everybody needs you.
41:44 - Homework, projects.
41:44 - And all of a sudden, sex from him has become another need
41:49 in your long line of needs.
41:50 - And you're spent, you're done, you're done, you're tired.
41:54 So you have to set aside and focus, okay, next Tuesday,
41:59 okay, next Friday, we got our date night.
42:03 And you know it's on and poppin'.
42:05 - The phone is down.
42:06 - Yes.
42:07 - And it's full attention on each other,
42:09 and it's bringing back the reminder to each other,
42:13 everything else going on in life, you are still.
42:15 - Yes, number one.
42:16 - You're still number one, I like that.
42:18 I hope some of our comedy has helped you out a little bit.
42:20 I'm not trying to preach and do one, two, three, four, five,
42:23 I don't want this to ever sound like we're reading it
42:24 from a book, but a lot of this has come
42:26 from what we've learned from books,
42:28 what we've learned from counsel,
42:29 and what we've learned from--
42:30 - In life.
42:31 - Unfortunately, from experience,
42:33 and many of those experiences being negative.
42:35 But I hope that it's helped you a little bit,
42:36 and we always try to do it in a real way
42:39 where we can catch a few laughs along the lines.
42:40 Look, guys, we need you to like it,
42:42 we need you to subscribe.
42:44 If you're watching this by YouTube,
42:46 we need you to get down in the comments section.
42:47 I want you to tell other people about it,
42:49 because this is what gets it on more people's radars,
42:52 what helps make it successful,
42:53 and quite honestly, it helps us pay the bills.
42:56 So, do what you can. - Listen, so much going on.
42:59 Wanna let you know, if you want some mentorship,
43:03 if you want somebody to do lock arms with you,
43:05 and do life with you, I wanna be that person in your life.
43:09 Go to hopesinnercircle.com, hopesinnercircle.com,
43:13 and my brand new book is out.
43:15 - And if they sign up for that,
43:16 what will you do with the book?
43:17 - Yeah, you get the book for free.
43:19 You get the book and the magazine for free.
43:20 - And the first month of the Inner Circle's free, right?
43:22 - The Inner Circle's free for a month.
43:23 - So you can try it out and say,
43:24 this is for me, this is not for me, whatever.
43:26 - I wanna help you.
43:27 - It's hard to beat that.
43:29 And of course, we always got church,
43:30 we always got TV, we always got social media,
43:32 and we always got this.
43:34 We're doing a lot of things.
43:34 We love you guys, and until next time.
43:36 - It's Ron and Hope Unfiltered.
43:38 - Real raw and relevant. - Real raw and relevant.
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