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02:56little bit of this song, and then I'm going to play a little bit of this song, and then
03:08Sir, might I remind you, Space Corps Directive 169 quite clearly states...
03:13Holly, prepare an escape pod, anything to save me from another Space Corps Directive.
03:18Sir, the Space Corps Directives are there to protect us.
03:20They're not a set of vindictive pronouncements directed against any one person.
03:24Has anyone ever seen this legendary Space Corps Directive manual?
03:33Well, no.
03:34He's making it up, isn't he? The bloody book doesn't exist.
03:37Sir, I assure you...
03:39Why does he only ever use them against me? Why are they never against Lister?
03:42Why do we never hear him quoting Space Corps Directives that clearly state...
03:46...no crew member should floss his teeth with the E-string of his guitar...
03:50...after spraying the entire contents of his sugar puff sandwich all over his superior's bunk?
03:56We never hear that one, do we?
03:57Holly, kindly furnish Mr. Rimmer with a hologrammatic copy of the Space Corps Directive manual.
04:03Come on, where is it?
04:04Where is it?
04:07That's it?
04:08You should be able to study it at your leisure on your trip back to Red Dwarf, sir.
04:16You've changed, you know that?
04:18Changed?
04:19They may not see it, but I do.
04:21I know what's going on.
04:22You've become a really nasty piece of work.
04:25Sir, I was merely...
04:26You're merely a mechanoid, that's all you're merely.
04:29Don't ever forget it.
04:31What a schmeat.
04:34What a schmeat.
04:36What a schmeat.
04:48Dr. Landstrom?
04:54Are you there, Doctor?
05:01Oh, Brutal.
05:23There's no need for alarm, sir.
05:25If there were any dangerous viral strains in the atmosphere...
05:27If there were any dangerous viral strains in the atmosphere...
05:29...the Psi-Scan would have picked them up by now.
05:35I've never done that before.
05:39Cheap, damn, stupid Martian power packs.
05:45Sir, what's the news?
05:47Well, if I could just beg your indulgences for a few seconds more, sir...
05:50...the old 345 takes a little time to warm up.
05:54Still, it outperforms the 346 in eight out of nine bench tests.
05:58A small wonder, then, that it secured Psi-Scan of the year...
06:00...best budget model three years running.
06:04Now, here are the results.
06:07And we're going to...
06:09...live.
06:13We're a real Mickey Mouse operation, aren't we?
06:17Mickey Mouse?
06:18We ain't even Betty Boo.
06:24Oh, extraordinary.
06:31Incredible.
06:35Hey, look at this.
06:39A nest of stasis pods.
06:46You was a trick at something?
06:50Doctor? Doctor Landstrom?
06:52And who might you be?
06:55Hi. We were just passing.
06:56Who put up the beacon?
06:58Schopenhauer was right, wouldn't you say?
07:02Life without pain has no meaning.
07:07Gentlemen, I wish to give your lives meaning.
07:13Why do you never meet anyone nice?
07:15We never meet anyone who can shoot straight.
07:20I'm telling you, Crichton is taking over, slowly but surely.
07:23Remember how he used to be in the early days?
07:25A gibbering wreck, completely unassertive...
07:27...no self-confidence, plagued by guilt...
07:29...convinced he was fourth-rate?
07:31I really liked him then.
07:33Stay pumped. Check tonight.
07:35See you tomorrow.
07:36See you tomorrow.
07:37See you tomorrow.
07:38See you tomorrow.
07:39See you tomorrow.
07:41Stay pumped. Checked and standing by.
07:43Well, check it again.
07:44I've done three complete checks. It's ready to launch.
07:47Right. I'm going.
07:51What really gets my boy is the way he thinks he can order me about.
07:55Well, he who lives by the rulebook, dies by the rulebook.
08:01It's me. Listen, my Larson's got some horror virus.
08:04She's totally barking.
08:07Listy?
08:08We need backup, man. We need it bad. We need it now.
08:11Everything okay?
08:14What? Can't you hear me?
08:16I'm sorry, Listy. You're very faint.
08:18Dr. Landstrom has contracted some kind of mutated hollow plague...
08:22...and is in a fearful, psychopathic fury.
08:25Marvellous.
08:29I'm sure she'll be a valuable asset to the team.
08:32Sir, I'm going to change the frequency.
08:35Can you hear me now?
08:39Hello? My name is Dr. Hildegard Landstrom...
08:45...and I am quite, quite mad.
08:48Are you really? How absolutely splendid.
08:52I have a riddle for you.
08:54What's dead and dead and dead all over?
09:00Give in, Dr. Frootloop. Do tell me.
09:04You're...
09:11Well, we know what to get you for Christmas...
09:13...a double lobotomy and ten rolls of rubber wallpaper.
09:18Holly, I really must be making tracks.
09:20Keep me updated as to any further developments, will you?
09:34Where is she?
09:37I fear she's toying with us, sir.
09:40What kind of disease is that gives a hex vision?
09:43Clearly some kind of cyvirus, sir.
09:45It appears to stimulate the dormant psychic areas of the brain...
09:49...which, until now, humankind has been unable to harness.
09:52Unfortunately, it requires so much energy...
09:54...it drains the victim's life force.
09:56That's why she was in the stasis pod?
09:58Precisely. Landstrom was preserving what little lifespan remains her.
10:02Well, if she's running out of time...
10:04...maybe we can just give her the room around.
10:06Theoretically, a sound notion, sir. Unfortunately...
10:09Unfortunately, she has already found it.
10:14Twinkle, twinkle, little eye...
10:17...now it's time for you to die.
10:22Aaaaaaaah!
10:29Poor woman. Destroyed by her own genius.
10:32Genius?
10:34Oh, yes. From what little I've seen of her research here...
10:36...before the holovirus, she had a quite remarkable mind.
10:39If I'm right, the fruits of her work should live on.
10:48Anything?
10:49Quite extraordinary.
10:50Landstrom postulated that there were two kinds of virus...
10:54...positive and negative.
10:55The negative we already know about.
10:57Yeah, like flu, rabies, that kind of stuff.
10:59But she also believed that there were positive viral strains...
11:01...which actually made human beings feel better.
11:03Such as?
11:04Well, at a very basic level, she predicted a kind of reverse flu...
11:08...a strain of virus which promotes an unaccountable feeling of well-being and happiness.
11:12That's happened to me. Me life's been turned into complete and utter crud.
11:15And I've woken up in the morning feeling good for no apparent reason.
11:18The chances are, sir, that on those occasions...
11:20...you had unwittingly contracted Landstrom's virus.
11:23According to her notes, 20th century DJs suffered from it all the time.
11:28So what's in the tubes?
11:30Landstrom claims to have isolated several strains of positive virus.
11:34Inspiration, charisma, sexual magnetism.
11:37Sexual magnetism's a virus?
11:39Well, get me to a hospital. I'm a terminal case.
11:44But this one is the most intriguing of all.
11:47According to her notes, this is the viral strain Felicitas Populi...
11:51...commonly known as luck.
11:53Luck is a virus?
11:54A positive virus which most humans contract at some point in their lives for very short periods.
11:59And here it is. Lady Luck, in liquid form.
12:03Want to try some?
12:04Is it safe?
12:05Absolutely harmless.
12:07Even so, this is a minute dose and will only last for about three minutes.
12:12Now, I want you to pick out all the aces from this pack of cards.
12:17Shuffle them?
12:2213 to 1.
12:26221 to 1.
12:295,525 to 1.
12:32270,725 to 1.
12:37Sir, I want you to throw this dart over here into that bullseye behind you...
12:41...using your left hand without looking.
12:43What? Using my left hand?
12:45Into the bullseye.
12:46Without looking?
12:48No chance.
12:49Trust me, sir.
12:50You ready?
12:53I think that indicates the luck virus has worn off.
12:58When you're quite finished, chaps, we've got a bit of a problem with the cargo bay doors.
13:03What sort of problem?
13:05They won't open. Rimmer's put in an override.
13:07Welcome home, gentlemen.
13:09If you'd like to proceed to the aft, you'll find the landing lights on in bay 47.
13:13Bay 47? That's quarantine!
13:16Spot on.
13:17Sir, I've screened us all. We're clean.
13:19Well, much as I trust a viral screening conducted by an automated toilet attendant...
13:26...I really must draw your attention to Space Corps Directive 595.
13:32Crying out loud!
13:34I have no intention of contracting the hologrammatic equivalent of foaming dog fever.
13:39So, gentlemen, if you'd all like to proceed to quarantine room 152...
13:43...where you'll be spending the next three months.
13:46Good fun.
14:02Twelve weeks. I have a deep, dark sense of foreboding about this.
14:06Oh, come on. We'll get through it.
14:08This is single quarters. One chair, one bed, one shower.
14:12We'll manage.
14:14Sir, it's a scientific fact that the human male needs to spend time by himself.
14:18It is?
14:19The most popular pastimes have always been ones that males can enjoy alone.
14:23Angling, golf, and, of course, the all-time number one.
14:28It's not just humans.
14:30Look what happens when two male tigers are locked up together.
14:32One of them winds up in the other guy's toothpick.
14:35Lions, tigers, scorpions, rats, even vultures when they're in captivity.
14:39What are you saying to me? Vultures need personal space?
14:42They need, like, time alone every day to put their feet up and read What Carcass magazine?
14:48Sir, I think you're downplaying the gravity of the situation.
14:51Look, what difference does it make? We hang out together most of the time anyway.
14:56Yeah, but we all knew we could stroll out the door at any time. Not now, though.
15:00Welcome to quarantine, lads.
15:02I hope the next 84 days pass as swiftly and as pleasantly as the Hundred Years' War.
15:07Sir, I must protest. You've only supplied us with single-birth accommodation.
15:11Space Corps Directive 597 clearly states one birth per registered crew member.
15:17And as Listie is the only registered crew member, one birth is all you get.
15:21Don't rush me.
15:23But what about entertainment? You are obliged to provide us with minimum leisure facilities.
15:28Games, literature, hobby activities, motion pictures.
15:31And in accordance with Space Corps Directive 312, you will find in the storage cupboard over there...
15:36a chess set with 31 missing pieces...
15:40a knitting magazine with a pull-out special on crocheted hats...
15:44a puzzle magazine with all the crosswords completed...
15:48and a video of the excellent cinematic treat, wallpapering, painting and stippling a DIY guide.
15:54Don't rush me.
15:56And fulfilling all Space Corps dietary requirements, dinner tonight, gentlemen, will consist of...
16:02sprout soup...
16:04followed by sprout salad...
16:06and for dessert, I think you'll like it, rather unusual, sprout crumble.
16:11Rimmer, you know damn well sprouts make me chook.
16:15Well, this is awful.
16:17I've got you down for sprouts almost every meal.
16:20I tell a lie.
16:22It is every meal.
16:24How long are you going to keep this up for, Rimmer?
16:26Keep what up? I'm merely executing Space Corps Directive 595.
16:31Anyway, must-dash-a-roonie, I've got to organise your daily provision of musical entertainment.
16:36I think you're going to like it.
16:38It's a perpetually looped tape of Reggie Dixon's Tango Treats.
16:42OK, time to write to him. Let me at him. I'll kill him.
16:46Listen, guys, if he wants to get on each other's nerves, go through 12 weeks of hell.
16:51But we're not going to give him the satisfaction, OK?
16:54Because the entire time we're here, we're not going to have one single argument.
16:57Not a raised voice, not a crossword, not one angry exchange, OK?
17:01OK?
17:02Boys from the dwarves.
17:19I think that's straight now.
17:21Two hours it's taken me to panel beat my head back into shape.
17:25Two damn hours.
17:27Guys, just take it easy.
17:34If you tell him to take it easy one more time,
17:36I swear I'm going to turn his ears into a pair of maracas and tap dance a fandango on his throat.
17:41I'm just saying, there's 79 more days to go.
17:46And if you still want to be alive when there's only 78 more days to go,
17:49I suggest you do not blow your nose.
17:53Do you mind if I ask why?
17:55Well, let's forego the noise and the revolting, burbling sound
17:59and go straight to the really gross part,
18:01when you always, and I mean always, having blown your nose,
18:05have to open up the handkerchief
18:08and take a look at the contents.
18:11I mean, why?
18:13What do you expect to see in there?
18:16A Turner seascape, perhaps?
18:19The face of the Madonna?
18:22An undiscovered Shakespearean sonnet?
18:25Rimmer was right about you.
18:27You have changed.
18:31You're getting tetchy.
18:32Oh no, now don't call me tetchy.
18:34You know what happens when you call me tetchy.
18:36Well, I'm calling you it now.
18:38It's exactly what I'm calling you.
18:40Tetchy, tetchy, tetchy.
18:42It's just as well I can't hear you.
18:44It's just as well I can't hear you calling me tetchy.
18:47You know what happens when you call me tetchy.
18:51Oh no, oh no.
18:53Didn't I tell you, didn't I warn you what would happen?
18:57No.
18:58Yes.
18:59No.
19:00I'm putting it on.
19:01Don't put it on.
19:02I'm putting it on.
19:03He's putting it on.
19:04Here I go.
19:05There he goes.
19:06If you put that on, I'm not going to help you out.
19:07I'm not helping you again, not this time.
19:08You think I need your help?
19:09You think I can't extract my own head from the waste disposal unit?
19:13It won't be the waste disposal, Frankenstein.
19:15This time I'm going to unscrew your neck bolts and microwave your head.
19:18Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster.
19:21It's a common misconception held by all truly stupid people.
19:25Don't correct me.
19:26You know how much I hate being corrected.
19:28It really gets my feckles up.
19:29It's hackles, you moron.
19:31It really gets your hackles up.
19:32There's no such word as feckles.
19:34Feckles, heckles, hackles, schmeckles, whatever the hell they are.
19:36They're up right now and pointed at you, buddy.
19:38Yeah?
19:39Yeah.
19:40Guys, guys.
19:41Look at us.
19:42What's happened to us?
19:43Five days on a sprout diet with a wallpaper and video and a crochet magazine.
19:47We've all turned into crazies.
19:49Well, just don't call me tetchy and don't blow your nose.
19:52Don't play that video and don't correct me.
19:54Okay.
19:55Okay.
19:56Okay.
19:57We're going to get through this.
19:58And don't say we're going to get through this.
20:01Stupid, chirpy optimism.
20:03That inane, winsome grin.
20:05This is insane.
20:07We've been here five days.
20:09There's no sign of any virus.
20:11We're clean.
20:12That's it.
20:13Five days.
20:14We've got him.
20:16We can demand a re-screening.
20:18He'll refuse.
20:19He can't.
20:20He's playing it by the book.
20:21We've nailed him.
20:23Gentlemen, your conversation makes interesting listening.
20:27Rumer, is that you?
20:28Oh, yes.
20:30How long have you been listening?
20:32Two, maybe three hours.
20:36Well, no one's got any disease, man.
20:38We're clean.
20:39You have to re-screen us, sir, as per Directive 699.
20:42No one's got any virus and no one's smacking nuts.
20:46Well, that's good.
20:50Is something amiss?
20:51Amiss?
20:52God, no.
20:53What could possibly be amiss?
20:54You don't think there's anything amiss?
20:56I'm sitting here wearing a red and white checked gingham dress.
21:00And army boots.
21:02You think that's unamiss?
21:04No, of course not.
21:05It's just we thought you'd gone nuts.
21:07We were trying to heal you.
21:08I was just doing a little test.
21:11A little test to see if you'd gone crazy.
21:17If there's one thing I can't stand, it's crazy people.
21:23Well, we've passed the test.
21:24Rumer, you can let us out.
21:27I can't let you out.
21:28Why not?
21:29Because the king of the potato people won't let me.
21:34I've begged him.
21:36I've got down on my knees and wept.
21:40He wants to keep you here.
21:44Keep you here for ten years.
21:46Could we see him?
21:49See who?
21:50The king.
21:51Do you have a magic carpet?
21:53Yeah.
21:54A little three-seater.
21:57So let me get this straight.
22:00You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the king of the potato people?
22:06And plead with him for your freedom?
22:08And you're telling me you're completely sane?
22:11I think that warrants two hours of W-O-O.
22:18What's W-O-O?
22:19Red squares.
22:22Without oxygen.
22:26No oxygen for two hours.
22:29That'll teach you to be breadbaskets.
22:33What do we do?
22:35I only hope it's the potato king.
22:38How the hell did he get the holovirus?
22:41It can be transmitted over radio waves.
22:43He must have spoken to Landstrom at some point.
22:46I predict we have approximately seven minutes before the air in here becomes unbreathable.
22:51We've got to get out of here somehow.
22:52It's impossible.
22:53That's the whole point of quarantine.
22:56Nothing gets out.
22:57Nothing gets in.
22:59Not even a microbe.
23:02Crichton, any chance of you cracking the code on the door lock?
23:05The chances of punching in the correct combination are literally billions to one.
23:10Unless...
23:11Of course.
23:12The look virus.
23:15Hey, you really think that stuff can get us out of here?
23:17If I give Mr. Lister a suitably large dose, he will temporarily become the luckiest human being who ever lived.
23:25Okay, then what do I do?
23:27Well, you just press in whatever numbers you think are best.
23:30Okay.
23:36Last digit, sir.
23:44So what now?
23:45We head for the hologram projection suite before Mr. Rimmer...
23:48Before Mr. Rimmer what?
23:53They've been naughty boys, haven't they, Mr. Flipple?
23:57Yes.
23:59Not the naughty boys who've been naughty, Mr. Flipple.
24:02Uncle Arnie fries them alive with his hex vision.
24:06That's right, Mr. Flipple.
24:15This way!
24:20The holovirus is in its secondary stage.
24:22Mr. Rimmer can't have long to live.
24:24What is he capable of?
24:26Well, we've seen hex vision.
24:28Almost certainly, like Landstrom, he'll be capable of telepathy and possibly even telekinesis.
24:33Tele-kine-what-a-nesis?
24:37The ability to move objects purely by the power of the mind.
24:46Frank, are you okay?
24:47I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spine.
24:52That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day.
25:02Two and one-half thatchers, please.
25:07No, I'll eat them here.
25:14That's better. Maybe now I can win self-determination for the South Moldavian people.
25:24I think I'm okay now.
25:34Mr. Flipple's very cross.
25:38You shouldn't have run away from him.
25:41What are we going to do with them, Mr. Flipple?
25:50We can't possibly do that.
25:54Who'd clear up the mess?
25:58We need to use your luck, sir.
26:00How?
26:01What we really need is some kind of remote link to the hologram disk projection system.
26:05What, like this one?
26:07What a stroke of luck!
26:09We need some kind of attackable power transfer adapter capable of holding spikes of up to five million volts.
26:14What's this?
26:17Extraordinary. Now all we need is a B47-7RF resistor.
26:25Look out!
26:33Mr. Flipple says...
26:35Game over, boys.
27:00I think he's going to be okay, sir.
27:02He's going to be okay?
27:04The look-virus must have worn off.
27:09Rimet, are you okay?
27:13What happened to me? Where am I?
27:15Quarantine.
27:20But don't worry.
27:22We're here to entertain you.
27:30It's cold outside.
27:32There's no kind of atmosphere.
27:34I'm all alone, more or less.
27:37Let me fly far away from here.
27:40Fun, fun, fun.
27:43In the sun, sun, sun.
27:47I'm all too light.
27:49Shipwrecked and comatose.
27:51Drinking fresh mango juice.
27:54Goldfish shows nibbling at my toes.
27:57Fun, fun, fun.
28:00In the sun, sun, sun.
28:04Fun, fun, fun.
28:07In the sun, sun, sun.