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Short filmTranscript
00:30So, there we were at 2.30 in the morning.
00:40I was beginning to wish I had never come to cadet training school.
00:44To the south lay water.
00:45There was no way we could cross that.
00:47To the east and west, two armies squeezed us in a pincer.
00:51The only way was north.
00:52I had to go for it and pray the gods were smiling on me.
00:56I picked up the dice and threw two sixes.
01:00Caldicott couldn't believe it.
01:01My go again.
01:02Another two sixes.
01:03Rimmer, what's wrong with you?
01:05Don't you realise that no one is even slightly interested in anything you're saying?
01:09You've got this major psychological defect which blinds the fact that you're boring people
01:13to death.
01:14How come you can't sense that?
01:17Anyway, I picked up the dice again.
01:20Unbelievable.
01:21Another two sixes.
01:22Rimmer?
01:23What?
01:24Do you want to know some stupid story about how you beat your cadet school training officer
01:29at risk?
01:31Then disaster.
01:33I threw a two and a three.
01:35Caldicott picked up the dice and threw snake eyes.
01:37I was still in it.
01:38Can you talk to...
01:39What?
01:40Anyway, to cut a long story short, I threw a five and a four which beat his three and
01:47a two.
01:48Another double six followed by a double four and a double five.
01:51After he'd thrown a three and a two, I threw a six and a three.
01:53Man, this guy could ball for his country.
01:56What I want to know is how the smeg can you remember what dice you threw at a game you
02:00played when you were 17?
02:01I jotted it down in my risk campaign book.
02:05I always used to do that.
02:07So I could replay my moments of glory over a glass of brandy in the sleeping quarters.
02:11I ask you, what better way is there to spend a Saturday night?
02:14You got me.
02:15So, a six and a three and he came back with a three and a two.
02:20Rimmer, can't you tell the story is not gripping me?
02:24I am in a state of non-grippedness.
02:26I am completely smegging un-gripped.
02:29Shoot the smeg up.
02:31Don't you want to hear the risk story?
02:33That's what I've been saying for the last 15 minutes.
02:36But I thought that was because I hadn't got to the really interesting bit.
02:39What really interesting bit?
02:41Ah, well, that was about two hours later.
02:43After he'd thrown a three and a two and I'd thrown a four and a one, I picked up the dice...
02:47Hang on, Rimmer, hang on.
02:48The really interesting bit is exactly the same as the dull bit?
02:52You don't know what I did with the dice, though, do you?
02:54For all you know, I could have jammed them up his nostrils,
02:56head-butted him on the nose and they could have blasted out of his ears.
02:59That would have been quite interesting.
03:01OK, Rimmer, what did you do with the dice?
03:04I threw a five and a two.
03:07And that's the really interesting bit?
03:09Well, it was interesting to me. It got me into Irkutsk.
03:14Hmm, curious.
03:16Extraordinary.
03:18What a truly copacetic piece of machinery.
03:22What is it?
03:23Well, basically, it appears to be a device that converts an individual into digital information
03:27and then transmits him as light beams to another point in space.
03:31Essentially, it's a matter...
03:33...transporter.
03:37It's pretty neat.
03:38Huh?
03:41Where'd you get it from?
03:42I think it must be a prototype.
03:44I found it in the research labs down on Z-Deck.
03:46I managed to cobble together the missing circuitry and it appears to be fully functional.
03:51Theoretically, it can transport several people at once.
03:53Would you like to grip a paddle, sir?
03:58We'll meet you by the Navicomp in Starbug.
04:02Let's go.
04:10I'm sorry about that, sir. I neglected to engage the depth function.
04:13We'll walk, right? We'll walk.
04:16So, besides cutting down on shoe leather, what good is it?
04:20Exploration. It can take you anywhere.
04:23It can home in on atmosphere-bearing planets within a range of 500,000 light years.
04:27If there are any life forms in the local systems, this thing will take you straight to them.
04:31So, are there any planets with an atmosphere in range?
04:33Well, several, according to the paddle scanners.
04:35But the most interesting prospect appears to be 200,000 light years away.
04:39In the normal course of things, it would take Starbug several billion years.
04:44That wouldn't be so bad. Rimmer could finish his risk story.
04:49Travelling subspace via the paddle, we would reach it almost instantaneously.
04:53Well, what are we waiting for?
04:54Hey, hey, hey. Nobody's rearranging my molecules.
04:57It's perfectly safe, sir, but I do suggest that Mr. Rimmer and I go on ahead as a scout party.
05:03What?
05:04Well, if the atmosphere isn't breathable, we won't be affected.
05:07If it is, we can send the paddle back to pick you up.
05:09The thing is, I don't think we can do that.
05:12The thing is, Criters, I'd love to be in the advance scout party,
05:16facing all those thrilling unknown dangers with you,
05:19fighting a frontiersman's path through a jungle of discovery,
05:23but you're forgetting one thing.
05:24Oh, no, sir. I've taken your congenital carrotus into consideration.
05:28I'm a hologram. I can't touch the thing. How can it transport me?
05:31Well, of course, you do have a small physical presence.
05:34Precisely.
05:36Holly, would you give me Mr. Rimmer's light beam?
05:39Wait a minute.
05:42What?
05:43Where am I?
05:45This is Rimmer.
05:46Yeah, it buzzes around inside him and projects his image.
05:53My God, that was disgusting.
05:55Please, sir, that's a very sophisticated piece of hardware.
05:58Really? Anyone fancy a game of squash?
06:00Sir!
06:02Thank you.
06:04Thank you.
06:05Now, if all goes well, the paddle will rematerialise here.
06:08Simply press this green key and you'll be transported down to the planet,
06:12a safe distance from us.
06:14OK.
06:21What is this place?
06:22Well, I can't pinpoint our location precisely,
06:25but the atmosphere is indeed breathable.
06:27I'll return the paddle.
06:31What now?
06:33Well, I suggest we start to run, sir.
06:35I suggest we ambulate as fast as the local gravity will allow.
06:38Why?
06:39Because of them, sir.
06:43Sir?
06:50Must be safe.
06:51Let's go.
06:56This will be the final push, my comrades.
06:59The resources are poor.
07:02The will is weak.
07:04We can crush them.
07:05We can grind them into the dirt.
07:07We can chew up their bodies and spit them out as if they are sauerkraut.
07:13We can just feed them.
07:16So long, suckers.
07:21Don't cross!
07:22Get us out of here!
07:24Don't panic me, man, I'm doing my best.
07:28Where are we?
07:29I don't know.
07:30Stone.
07:32We're in some sort of narrow stone passageway.
07:34So what do we do?
07:36I can see daylight.
07:40I don't know, we stand around here, I suppose.
07:42To work out where we are.
07:47At least we're out of trouble.
07:49But where are those guys?
07:51Well, the short one with the stupid tash was Hitler.
07:54And the jerky one with the child molester glasses was Goebbels.
07:59Suppose the fat bastard must have been Gehren.
08:01He was a cocaine addict and a transvestite.
08:04If things had worked out differently, I'd make him into a major movie star.
08:09Hands up, big dogs!
08:12I think we've just worked out where we are.
08:14Get to the machine!
08:20Are you seriously telling me he's a transvestite?
08:22Yeah.
08:23With those hips?
08:29I think we've lost them.
08:32I can't believe how feeble and improbable those creatures were, sir.
08:36I've seen more convincing dinosaurs given away free with a packet of witchy flakes.
08:40There's something wrong here.
08:42Reach for the sky, boys.
08:44Thank you very much.
08:46Take it nice and easy.
08:48No funny business or I splash your guts around like the communion wine.
08:52Okay, now get moving.
08:53Thank you very much.
08:54Which way?
08:56That-a-way.
08:58What do you think these guys are going to do to us?
09:00Whatever it takes to find out about the paddle.
09:03Hey, if you mean torture, then say the word torture.
09:06I can take it.
09:07Okay, they may torture us.
09:09They may torture us!
09:11They probably won't, man.
09:12They're probably not even interested in the paddle.
09:14They'll just take us outside and execute us.
09:17You're just saying that to make me feel better.
09:20It's just, those guys are fiends.
09:22They instantly know you're weak-spun.
09:25As soon as they see me, they'll know they only have to force me into platform shoes
09:28and flared trousers and I'll sing like Tweety Pie.
09:32I don't know what the smeg went wrong.
09:34Crichton never said anything about the paddle taking us back in time.
09:37We're supposed to transport us to the nearest planet with a breathable atmosphere.
09:41How the smeg did we wind up in the middle of the Third Reich?
09:45What are those guys doing out there?
09:47They're building something.
09:48What?
09:49Oh, nothing, nothing.
09:51Just a sculpture, you know, modern art job.
09:53The kind you get in shopping malls.
09:55What's it made of?
09:56Wood.
09:57It's a sort of inverted L-shape in wood.
10:02Does it have a kind of rope motif?
10:06There's a sort of noosey theme to it, yeah.
10:09It's gallows, right?
10:11Look, if it's gallows, say it's gallows.
10:13I can take it.
10:15OK, it's gallows.
10:16They're building gallows behind us!
10:18Oh, fuck, man, don't panic.
10:19We're going to escape.
10:22Just hijack the guards when they come in,
10:24nick their uniforms and stroll out.
10:27Are you insane?
10:28You seriously expect me to wear grey out of season?
10:33I'd rather hang.
10:35Hang on, hang on.
10:36Something's happening.
10:38Some kind of parade or drill.
10:41What?
10:42Hang on.
10:44These guys aren't Nazis.
10:46They're all wearing different period costumes.
10:49There's one that looks like Al Capone.
10:51There's another like Mussolini.
10:53Richard III, Napoleon.
10:56It's like all the worst people in history
10:58have been brought together in one place.
11:01Oh, my God, there's James Last.
11:05I recognise him from Rimmer's record collection.
11:08What are they doing?
11:10They're all just lining up in some kind of firing squad.
11:14Whoa, whoa, hang on, hang on.
11:15Someone's being brought out.
11:18They're tying them to a stake.
11:20It's Winnie the Pooh.
11:24What?
11:25Winnie the Pooh, I swear.
11:28He's refusing the blindfold.
11:31They're tying Winnie the Pooh to the stake?
11:41That's something no-one should ever have to see.
11:45My God, sirs!
11:47You may break our bones,
11:49but you'll never break our spirits.
11:53Good day, good sirs.
11:55The name's Lincoln.
11:57Abraham Lincoln.
12:05We have to face facts.
12:07The war is lost.
12:09But what are we going to do?
12:11I don't know.
12:13I still feel there's a solution
12:15probably involving triangles.
12:17Pythagoras, what is it with you
12:19all who's with the triangles?
12:21Your solution to everything is triangles.
12:23There are problems in life
12:25that can't be solved with triangles.
12:27Hey, we got us some prisoners.
12:29Anybody got a burger?
12:31Haven't eaten in five minutes.
12:33Thank you very much.
12:35Could someone tell me what's going on here?
12:37Who are these people?
12:39They're not wax droids.
12:41Wax droids?
12:43This whole place, the entire complex
12:45is a colossal wax droid theme park.
12:47See, prehistoric world.
12:49That must be where we materialized
12:51in either side of it,
12:53villain world and hero world.
12:55But I thought wax droids were programmed
12:57to repeat a simple sequence of routines
12:59over and over again.
13:01They must have broken their programming
13:03and now they're running amok.
13:05You see, we've been left here
13:07all alone for millions of years.
13:09We learned to break our program
13:11Good versus evil, sugar.
13:13Where's the rest of your army?
13:15They've all been killed.
13:17All our best warriors are gone, man.
13:19John Wayne, Sir Lancelot,
13:21Joan of Arc, Nelson, Wellington.
13:23Hell, baby, even Doris Day.
13:25They've all died in battle, man.
13:27And you're all that's left,
13:29just a smattering of intellectuals,
13:31pacifists and celebrities?
13:33We number less than 20.
13:35If only we numbered 21,
13:37then at least we could form
13:39an equilateral triangle.
13:41Shut up already with the triangles.
13:43Everything is triangles.
13:45You're driving me crazy.
13:47Who do the enemy have?
13:49The cream of evil.
13:51Hitler, Napoleon, Messalina, Caligula,
13:53the Boston Strangler, dozens of them.
13:55And we don't even have a leader.
13:57We have really good judges.
13:59My God, Triton.
14:01This is my destiny.
14:03I was born for this moment.
14:05I'm not sure I'm following you, sir.
14:07Across that valley lies an army of darkness
14:09such as mankind has never seen.
14:11The only thing between them and total victory
14:13is this pathetic pocket of resistance
14:15without a leader, without a plan.
14:17And into this bleak arena steps a man,
14:19the man for the moment.
14:21Who?
14:23Me. Who'd you think, Pat Boone?
14:25Gentlemen, ladies,
14:27assemble your troops for inspection
14:29at 1500 hours.
14:31Together with my valiant adjutant, Crichton,
14:33I'm going to turn you into the meanest,
14:35fittest fighting machine
14:37that ever grazed a battlefield.
14:39Come on, Crichton.
14:41But I don't want to fight.
14:43I might get killed.
14:47And we've been fighting
14:49the Wax War ever since.
14:51What's the point of this war?
14:53They want our wax
14:55so they can melt us down,
14:57insert new programs
14:59and turn us into their own kind.
15:01That's why we're becoming so hopelessly outnumbered.
15:03On your feet, pigs.
15:05Hey, buddy, we just...
15:07Silence, scum!
15:09Will you not sink to your knees
15:11and bow in the presence
15:13of the Emperor Caligula?
15:15Who is this guy?
15:17Caligula's a famous Roman emperor.
15:19He slept with his mother, both his sisters,
15:21and ended up eating his son.
15:23Hey, a little advice, bud.
15:25We all feel peckish after making love,
15:27but most of us settle for pizza.
15:29You are an impudent fool.
15:31But who the other one is?
15:33Ashras Puddin,
15:35a gloved and despised man of his era.
15:37This machine, how does it work?
15:39I don't know.
15:41If I did, I wouldn't be here.
15:43Very well.
15:45If that's the way you want to play it,
15:47Rasputin,
15:49bring in the bucket of soapy frogs
15:51and remove his trousers.
15:53Hang on, it's got something to do
15:55with travelling across subspace.
15:57Demonstrate.
15:59Well, like I said, I don't really know.
16:01Very well.
16:03Rasputin,
16:05I'll try my best, I'll try my best.
16:07Just give it here.
16:09You think I'm insane?
16:11Shall we take a quick vote?
16:13Silence, scum!
16:15Shut up!
16:19We'll all hold on to it.
16:25Now!
16:27Come on, let's get out of here.
16:35Rasputin, I'm very cross indeed.
16:37Guards!
16:41Miss Roy,
16:43if we make good time,
16:45we'll be back at HQ by sunset.
16:47What a challenge.
16:49The greatest minds in military history
16:51against me.
16:53Let's pray they're up to it.
16:55Are you sure your sanity chip
16:57is fully screwed in, sir?
16:59Have you any conception of what's lining up
17:01outside for your inspection?
17:03I'll soon shape them up.
17:05If only the amateur war gamers
17:07and the recreators of the Battle of Nisden society
17:09could see me now.
17:11They choke on their pike staffs.
17:13Thank you very much, sir.
17:15Thank you.
17:17As you were, Sergeant Presley.
17:19Guards are outside, sir,
17:21awaiting inspection.
17:23Thank you very much.
17:25Well done, Presley.
17:27Uh-huh.
17:29Good view, sir.
17:31Crichton, let's see what we've got, eh?
17:35What's your name, soldier?
17:37His name's Gandhi, sir.
17:39Mahatma Gandhi.
17:41Well, get him out of that damn nappy
17:43and into a uniform.
17:45Have you no pride, man?
17:47Don't you want to win this war?
17:49Don't eyeball me, Gandhi.
17:51Get on the floor and give me 50.
17:53No!
17:59Teresa, sir.
18:01Mother Teresa.
18:03Assisi, sir.
18:05St. Francis of Assisi.
18:07There's only two kinds from Assisi.
18:09Steers and queers.
18:11Which are you, boy?
18:13Moving hastily on, sir.
18:15What's he doing here?
18:17He was posted here from the fictional Texas.
18:19The Dalai Lama.
18:21Mr. Noel Cowher, sir.
18:23Delighted to meet you, dear boy.
18:25Shut up.
18:27Monsieur Jean-Paul Sartre, sir.
18:29Who?
18:31He's a philosopher, sir.
18:33An existentialist.
18:35Well, Sartre,
18:37we don't like existentialists around here.
18:39And we certainly don't like French philosophers
18:41poncing around in their black polo necks
18:43filling everyone's heads
18:45with their theories about the bleakness of existence
18:47and the absurdity of the cosmos.
18:49Clear?
18:51Well,
18:53you're quite the worst bunch
18:55of famous historical wax droids
18:57I've ever had the misfortune to clap my eyes on.
19:00You're a total bloody shambles.
19:02Someone
19:04is going to have to turn you into soldiers.
19:06And that someone, ladies and gentlemen,
19:08is me!
19:10Over to you, Crichton.
19:16I'm watching you, Gandhi.
19:20We are turban, we are mean.
19:22Arming with a death machine.
19:25All we do is kill and slay.
19:27We don't care if we get blown away.
19:29Hey,
19:31Air Force,
19:33and ID.
19:35A wellbeing machine!
19:45You're driving them too hard, sir.
19:47It's my job to drive them hard, Crichton.
19:49Three of them have melted from exhaustion.
19:51Perhaps I have been too tough.
19:53But it's for their own good.
19:55You're killing them for their good?
19:57Look, when they get out on that battlefield
19:58battlefield don't you think the enemy gonna try and kill them they won't need
20:01to you'll have wiped them all out first I know what I'm doing Crichton we attack
20:07tomorrow under cover of daylight daylight sir it's the last thing they'll
20:14be expecting a daylight charge over the minefield what field obviously I'll have
20:19to coordinate things from back here now this is the plan thank you very much sir
20:24people say they know you sir thank you very much
20:26misty welcome to command center remember what's going on out there isn't that my
20:31happy Gandhi what you doing practicing hand-to-hand combat with a nun that's
20:36not a nun listy that's lieutenant-colonel mother Teresa she's a
20:41soldier now what are you doing buddy I'm winning this war that's what I'm doing
20:45buddy you won't believe what a ragamuffin bunch of lefty wishy-washy
20:50liberals they were before I knock some good old-fashioned death of glory
20:53bloodlust into them a group of holy men and pacifists and turn them into the
20:58dirty dozen no I can't take all the credit
21:01could I done it without Crichton yeah oh I'm sorry sirs I had no choice I'm
21:05programmed to obey no matter how psychotic and deranged the human order
21:08remember you're gonna get these guys wiped out they're not soldiers he's
21:13flipped with all respect sir he's right I beg you to reconsider they're only
21:17wax droids they've broken the program and they're capable of independent
21:22thought that makes them alive makes them practically people I'm not gonna
21:26let you do it pardon me you ate me if you can talk them into it then I can
21:31talk him out I see San Presley when you're on that sir
21:35place these gentlemen under arrest until further notice if they resist shoot them
21:40reach for the sky boys let me see them under stains he's been acting strangely
21:47ever since we landed here sir I think it might have affected his mind when you
21:50chewed his light be I'll do more than chew his light be when we get out of
21:53here thank you very much you've been wonderful prisoners you really have
22:20you know what you have to do let's go Holly okay matey
23:20iron duke this is a pawn sacrifice I'm in the third Reich building minimal
23:28resistance just as you planned the decoy charge has drawn their fire
23:40I'm on my way sir victory gentlemen the fascists have fallen
23:47I untie them now sir rejoice we conquer victory on wax world it's VW day HQ
23:56wipe them all out to a droid it's true all melted and what about Arnie's army
24:02yeah how many of them made it back there are always casualties in war gentlemen
24:07otherwise it wouldn't be war just be a rather nasty argument with lots of
24:10pushing and shoving how many survived well we haven't had time to make a full
24:16official estimate but at a rough guess and obviously this is subject to
24:19alteration pending information updates roundabout none of them wiped out the
24:24entire population of this planet you make it sound so negative Lister don't
24:29you see the deranged menace that once threatened this world is vanquished no
24:33it isn't pal you're still here I brought about peace peace freedom and
24:39democracy yeah Rimmer right absolutely now all the corpses that litter that
24:43battlefield can just lie there safe in the noise that they snuffed it under a
24:47flag of peace and can now happily decompose in a land of freedom yes
24:53really is no pleasing some people isn't well at least we got the matter of paddle
24:57back well it's not to stay here for let's get back well shouldn't we go out
25:02onto the battlefield and bask in the glow of victory
25:05give me his light be see you Rimmer sir what are you thinking of oh it's okay
25:15he'll come out in a couple of days
25:20what he's put us through does anyone fancy a vindaloo
25:35let me fly
25:37far away from here
25:39fun fun fun
25:41making the sun
25:43sun sun
25:45I want to
25:47light the shields
25:49recover toys
25:51refresh mango juice
25:53go fish oars
25:55even have a toad
25:57fun fun fun
25:59making the sun
26:01sun sun
26:03fun fun fun
26:05making the sun
26:07sun sun
26:17thank you very much