According to Jim
  • 6 months ago
Transcript
00:00I'm going to play a little bit of this song, and then I'm going to play a little bit of this song, and then I'm going to play a little bit of this song, and then I'm going to play a little bit of this song, and then I'm going to play a little bit of this song, and then I'm going to play a little bit of this song, and then I'm going to play a little bit of this song, and then I'm going to play a little bit of this song, and then I'm going to play a little bit of this song, and then I'm going to play a little bit of this song, and then I'm going to play a little bit of this song, and then I'm going to play a little bit of this song, and then I'm going to play a little bit of this song, and then I'm going to play a little bit of this song, and then I'm going to play a little bit of this song, and then I'm going to play a little bit of this song,
00:30and then I'm going to play a little bit of this song, and then I'm going to play a little
00:38bit of this song."
00:39Amazing, the last strawberry in the universe.
00:45Calibrator locked and set.
00:48Organic infrastructure recorded and stored.
00:50Engage the triplicator.
00:55It works.
00:57What works?
00:58Well, we've adapted the matter pattern.
00:59Only now, the returning signal is split three ways.
01:02So as well as receiving the original object, we also get two identical copies.
01:07This is going to solve all our supply problems.
01:09Taking into account the computations for recalibration,
01:12I think we can produce four, perhaps even five strawberries a week.
01:17Well, I don't know if the Nobel Prize people run a fruit section,
01:20but if they do, you've got to be this year's hot tip.
01:23Gentlemen, history beckons.
01:26You'll be famous. They'll build your statues.
01:28They'll even name towns after you.
01:30Dorksville springs instantly to mind.
01:33This machine could revolutionise our lives.
01:36Absolutely. With this little baby running at full pelt,
01:39I confidently predict we could have a full fruit salad by the end of the year.
01:44It's not just strawberries. This machine can duplicate anything.
01:47It can...
01:49Sir, what's wrong?
01:51The strawberry's incredible. It's so succulent.
01:55It's divine.
01:58Is that the same?
01:59Oh, no, no.
02:01How's it different?
02:02Bitter.
02:03Rancid.
02:05Kind of tangy.
02:07Crunchy.
02:09Tangy.
02:10Kind of chewy.
02:11Meaty, even.
02:13Funny kind of wriggly texture.
02:17Oh, smell.
02:19It's as if the triplicator has extracted all the very best elements out of one duplicate
02:23and all the very worst out of the other.
02:25So what would happen if we reversed the process?
02:28Oh, yes.
02:43Nice experiment, guys. What do you do for an encore? Neutron bomb juggling?
02:48Rude alert, rude alert.
02:50An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle.
02:53Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database.
02:56Abandon shop. This is not a daffodil. Repeat, this is not a daffodil.
03:02Well, thankfully, Holly's unaffected.
03:06She's right. The engine core is approaching critical mass.
03:08We'll have meltdown in less than 15 minutes.
03:11I think a brisk stroll in the direction of the cargo bay
03:14could be an outstanding career move at this point.
03:16What are you really saying? That door's going to blow.
03:18In less time than it takes a Norwegian to buy ski boots.
03:21Hey, guys, I think they're playing our tune, the Oogle Waltz.
03:23Anyone care to join me in a quick step?
03:25Let's go.
03:36Holly, open cargo bay doors.
03:38Holly, those cargo bay doors we talked about earlier, would you mind opening them, please?
03:43Holly, the doors, Holly.
03:45The phrase cargo bay doors does not appear to be in my lexicon.
03:48Manual override.
03:50Oh, forget it.
04:02That's 80 clicks. We should be clear of any possible blast zone.
04:07You really think it's going to blow?
04:09This can't be happening.
04:10Look, nothing's going to happen.
04:12They're just here as a precaution.
04:14The whole ship's full of fail-safes anyway.
04:17Coolant systems, containment panels, vacuum shields.
04:20The actual chances of it blowing are about one in...
04:30One.
04:33Two.
04:40Well, according to the charts, the nearest asteroid with an S3 atmosphere is six hours away.
04:46The trouble is we only have enough fuel for five hours' flight.
04:49I don't think that's going to prove to be a major problem, though,
04:52because we only have enough oxygen for seven minutes.
04:57Well, that doesn't really affect us, does it?
05:00Sorry, sir?
05:02We don't need oxygen.
05:04Now, here's a thought.
05:06If we ejected their corpses into outer space,
05:09would the weight reduction allow us to reach the asteroid?
05:19Come on, Rumi, that's not the attitude.
05:21Sorry?
05:22It's not the Red Dwarf way.
05:24It's the Red Dwarf way.
05:26Born in trouble, all in trouble.
05:28The posse.
05:29The boys from the Dwarf.
05:30If one of us is in a fix, the homeboys band together.
05:33It's the way it is.
05:34Have you got anything in writing?
05:38You're a toad, Rumi. You're a weasel.
05:41You're a slimy, river-dwelling rodent with the models of a praying mantis.
05:45I'm just being a realist.
05:46Look, you only have seven minutes left to live.
05:49That's tragic. God, it's tragic.
05:52For most of us, life must go on.
05:54If I may interject, sir, in your case, that's not exactly true.
05:59Remember, you are operating on emergency battery supplies.
06:02We have no spares.
06:03In fact, you yourself, sir, will expire in a little under four minutes.
06:11OK, homeboys, let's posse.
06:16Right, get a radarscope. Scan the wreckage.
06:18Straight away, sir.
06:19Get suited up.
06:20The oxygen tanks have survived. Maybe some fuel tanks.
06:23If we can get a fix, we can get out there and bring them on board.
06:27Meanwhile, turn Rumi down to minimum power.
06:29That way it'll triple his running time.
06:31Sirs, there's something out there.
06:34Two objects far too vast to be debris.
06:37According to the backlog, they materialised just before the explosion.
06:40Can we get in any closer?
06:42Enhance maximum.
06:44Of course, the triplicator has made two copies of Red Dwarf.
06:48How?
06:49Well, presumably, when I threw the triplicator into reverse,
06:52it didn't reverse the process, it reversed the field of the beam,
06:55projecting it out, not in.
06:57So instead of copying the strawberries, it copied the entire ship.
07:00Precisely.
07:01And presumably, the resultant power drain exposed the engine's core
07:05and caused the original to blow.
07:06So like the strawberries, there are two new Red Dwarfs.
07:10One succulent and divine, the other...
07:12Fish bait.
07:14So what's the problem?
07:15We got us a ship.
07:16And from what you're saying, it should be better than the original.
07:19Not quite.
07:20In the lab, the triplicated copies had a limited lifespan.
07:23How limited?
07:24About an hour.
07:26Well, there may be a solution.
07:27The contents of the ship should be triplicated too.
07:30So there will be a working triplicator on board
07:33whichever of the ships is superior.
07:35You see, theoretically,
07:36we should be able to reverse the reversal
07:38and replicate the original Red Dwarf by amalgamating the two copies.
07:42He makes it sound so simple.
07:54We have to find a terminal to re-boost Mr. Rimmer's battery pack.
07:57We'll catch you up.
07:59We have to find a terminal to re-boost Mr. Rimmer's battery pack.
08:02We'll catch you up.
08:10Check that music.
08:12It's magnificent.
08:14I've never heard anything like it before.
08:18Get a lungful of that air, man.
08:20Makes you feel good to be alive.
08:23Everything about this ship is...
08:25Well, it's divine.
08:28Let's check the food.
08:31What did you order?
08:32Ultimate test.
08:33Pot noodle.
08:41I'll tell you one thing.
08:42I've been to a parallel universe.
08:44I've seen time running backwards.
08:46I've played pool with planets and I've given birth to twins.
08:49But I never thought in my entire life
08:51I'd taste an edible pot noodle.
08:54Brothers, we bid you welcome.
08:58There must be much you do not understand.
09:00Come.
09:05You're me, but you're not me.
09:07I am part of you.
09:08Your higher self.
09:09Your spiritual side.
09:10I exist in you as potential.
09:12But now I'm here.
09:13Extrapolated from your being.
09:15Extrapolaterated?
09:16Buddy, there is no way you are part of me.
09:18No part of me would ever be seen alive in sandals.
09:22I find clothes a distraction from the pursuit
09:25of spiritual and intellectual fulfillment.
09:28That's weird.
09:29Because I find spiritual and intellectual fulfillment
09:31a distraction from the pursuit of clothes.
09:34Let us join our friends in a meditation chamber.
09:37Perhaps then we can spend a profitable evening
09:39seeking out answers to the metaphysical conundra
09:41that have plagued mankind since time began.
09:44Sounds wild.
09:45Call me back.
09:47Philosophy, poetry, music and study.
09:50That is how we spend our time.
09:52Trying to expand our minds
09:54and unlock our full potential in the service of humankind.
09:57What a pair of losers.
10:00More visitors.
10:01Come, soul sibling.
10:02Let us prepare some refreshments.
10:04May your path lead to wisdom.
10:06And in wisdom, know ye peace.
10:15These guys are supposed to be part of us?
10:17I don't buy it.
10:18These are our higher selves.
10:19They are the people we could have become
10:21if all the negative aspects of our characters were removed.
10:24You mean hippies?
10:25With respect, sir, you think Jesus was a hippie.
10:28Well, he was.
10:29He had long hair, he didn't have a job.
10:31What more do you want?
10:33You're so much smarter than we are.
10:35This is my guess.
10:36Your mind records everything.
10:38Everything you see, hear, every word you read,
10:40every conversation.
10:41It's all stored in your subconscious.
10:44Somehow our higher selves have access to that knowledge.
10:47Look, I'm getting itchy feet here.
10:48You've got to gizmo less scram before the mad monk brothers
10:51rope us into an evening of philosophical musings and self-flagellation.
10:55It's not that simple.
10:56This triplicator has only half the vital components.
10:59We need the second triplicator from the low ship.
11:07Let the entertainment begin.
11:09There will be haiku readings, poetry recitals,
11:12and musings on the inner soul.
11:14But first, music and dance.
11:18Brother Rimmer is portraying agony.
11:20The agony of the soul that searches out the truth.
11:23The truth danced by Brother Cat.
11:31But the truth, lucid.
11:33It flits like a firefly through the cold night of the soul.
11:36Teasing, confusing.
11:39And agony, in torment, searches forever in vain.
11:44Brothers, I am compelled to intrude.
11:47What is it, sister?
11:49I'm receiving a weak but plaintive distress call from a ship
11:52which appears to be identical to our own.
11:54Then we must help them.
11:56With haste, brothers.
12:09Approach Pat and plot it out.
12:11OK, let's just take her in nice and easy.
12:31OK, keep them peeled, guys.
12:42Welcome, brothers.
12:44We bring food and medical supplies.
12:48Poor devil, his gun must have gone off accidentally.
12:52Welcome, my children.
12:53We bring you bombs and tinctures.
12:57I come in peace to sing you healing hymns.
13:02You see, Dad, I can only hope.
13:06Oh, the poor wretch.
13:09Oh, the poor wretch.
13:11It's a faulty gun.
13:12He's accidentally shot me five times.
13:14Oh, how I love him.
13:16Brother, there is a grievous fault with thine weapon.
13:19It keepeth shooting people.
13:23You see, there it goes again.
13:26What is this?
13:27It's a greeting gift.
13:28It's sparkling, welcome aura.
13:30Come, let us embrace its splendid beauty and share in its vibrations.
13:34Oh, it's exquisite, divine.
13:36What does it say to you, brother?
14:06Oh, shit.
14:36Oh, shit.
14:43René?
14:47René?
14:51René?
14:55René?
15:00René?
15:01Looking for someone?
15:07Hello, my princess.
15:12What do you want with me?
15:14I want to hurt you.
15:16Why?
15:17Because I'm not a very nice person.
15:29A whip.
15:31I'm going to lash you to within an inch of your life.
15:36And then, I'm going to have you.
15:59Sirs, we're running short of time.
16:01We have less than 20 minutes to find the second triplicator and set it up.
16:05I suggest we divide our efforts.
16:07A sage suggestion, brother.
16:09Perhaps I should go with brother cat.
16:11You haven't got a weapon.
16:12We have no need of weapons, feline brother.
16:15We wear protective herbs.
16:17Go to the butt, René.
16:18As you wish, brother.
16:20Thank you, friend.
16:23Fine.
16:34It is ready.
16:35Put her in a spine.
16:40Wake up.
16:41You don't want to miss the pain.
16:45Can you feel the pain as they burrow into your spine?
16:53You guys are two letters short of an allotment.
16:56What do you want, then?
16:58We want your vessel.
16:59Nothing works here, man.
17:01Everything is in decay.
17:03And here is how we're going to get it.
17:15I can't move.
17:16Of course not.
17:18He hasn't turned you on yet.
17:20Show him.
17:32He applauds our efforts.
17:34Maybe he'd like to go for a little walk.
17:37Game over now, eh?
17:38Game over.
17:39I wonder what's in that supply cabinet.
17:51Oh, no.
17:53No.
17:54I wonder if he'd like a drink to calm him down.
18:06Whoops.
18:12Perhaps he'd like something to eat.
18:21Yes!
18:28You guys have got to be yanking my chain.
18:36Bon appétit.
18:46Welcome to our team.
18:49No way are you part of me.
18:51Oh, yes, he is.
18:52He's the little boy who used to pull the legs off incense.
18:55He's the little boy who, on a hot summer's day,
18:58held a magnifying glass to his best friend's neck
19:01and watched him burn.
19:06He's the part of you that wants all your friends to fail.
19:11The part of you that loves to watch horror movies.
19:15The part of you that lusts after meaningless sex.
19:21He's cruel. He's selfish.
19:23He thinks terrible things.
19:30Ah, but he kills.
19:32I'm not capable of that.
19:34We'll soon see about that.
19:46Mmm. Nice movie collection.
19:49Revenge of the mutant splat gore monster.
19:53Die screaming with sharp things in your head.
19:56Gore movies? Weapons magazines?
19:58Oh, this place is a shrine to everything that's low and base.
20:02Everything that's designed to sicken the soul and shrivel the spirit.
20:08Toasty toppers.
20:12Cinema hot dogs.
20:15Oh, sweaty kebabs with stringy brown lettuce coming out.
20:19Oh, look at this music.
20:21Hammond Heaven.
20:22Karaoke Crazy.
20:24Peter Perfect plays tuneful tunes for elderly ladies.
20:28That way.
20:29Oh, wait. Here it is.
20:31No, clearly they have no idea as to its purpose.
20:34How long do we have?
20:36Barely eight minutes, sir.
20:41Have I told today how much I love thee, brother?
20:44How much my heart glimmers like a newborn star when I gaze upon thy beauteous countenance?
20:49Thy love refreshes and cleanses me like a babbling mountain stream, brother.
20:59This yonder your likeness, brother.
21:08A knife. Are you hungry, brother?
21:11Put some pulses in the little curd for your refreshment.
21:19Forgive me, brother. I appear to have stained thy knife-end with my blood.
21:23A thousand apologies.
21:29Brother, permit me to furnish you with a fresh knife.
21:36Farewell, brother. My brook is Babel.
21:42Heheheheheheheheheheh.
21:49Pit! Pit!
21:54I found Goldpull's head. No sign of Dormouse Cheeks, though.
21:57Sir, we were so worried. What happened?
21:59We were ambushed by a platoon of Lowe's. I was leading a valiant rear-guard action.
22:03I found him shivering in a box.
22:05It was a tactical manoeuvre to outfox the enemy.
22:08As was using his uniform as a temporary latrine.
22:11So where is Mr Lister?
22:13We got jumped and he ran off through the storage bay like a gazelle on steroids.
22:17We'll just have to leave him.
22:18Within four minutes this ship will no longer exist.
22:21Hey, there he is!
22:25What's it, a salami?
22:27What?
22:28Look out! I'm going to kill you!
22:31I'm a homicidal maniac!
22:33My body's being remote controlled by the load!
22:36Crichton, look out!
22:39You've got to stop me!
22:44Shoot him!
22:45What?
22:46Blow his kneecaps off, it's the only way!
22:48Give me a break, Rimmer!
22:49He's a homicidal maniac, put him down!
22:51There must be some other way!
22:53You've got to incapacitate me somehow!
22:55There, Crichton, hit him over the head with that axe!
22:57How?
22:58Kill me!
22:59Not if he does it gently!
23:02He's killing the cat!
23:03Oh, what can I do?
23:04Incapacitate me in a painless way!
23:10That was unnecessary.
23:12Unnecessary?
23:13Look what you've done to my neckline!
23:15This stuff never springs back!
23:18Oh, my God!
23:19I think I'm going for the bazookoid!
23:21Duck!
23:23Left!
23:24Right!
23:26I'm telling reload!
23:27Someone get behind me!
23:28I'm going to come around behind you now, sir.
23:30Okay, Crichton, take me by surprise!
23:32I'm coming around behind you to take you by surprise, sir!
23:34Get on with it, surprise me!
23:35You may get an unpleasant sensation of chloroform, don't be alarmed!
23:38Surprise me now!
23:39Here comes my surprise, sir!
23:48Okay, how long before the triplicator activates?
23:51Less than two minutes.
23:59Hurry!
24:03Hurry!
24:11Damn! A flat battery!
24:12Who left the lights on?
24:14No, it's the magnetic coils.
24:15They've depolarized.
24:16It's as if the decay on this ship is in some way contagious.
24:19Thirty-five seconds.
24:20Try the backup.
24:25Let's get out of here.
24:28Yep, all systems check.
24:32We're up. We're good.
24:38Not again!
24:39Point me a steering!
24:41Chloroform in!
24:42Oh, wait! I think I've located the spinal implant!
24:49Where is it? I've lost it!
24:50It's in his neck!
25:03Polly's back.
25:05Mr. Lister, wake up, sir. It's over. We're safe now.
25:08Engaging autopilot.
25:09Call zero-zero-mark-zero.
25:11Taking her home.
25:18See what you did to my Blouson?
25:19Look at it!
25:20Plus, he almost killed me three times.
25:21I'm sorry. It wasn't my fault.
25:23When did you get one of them things?
25:24Didn't you just go kind of...
25:25I'm sorry.
25:26I'm sorry.
25:27I'm sorry.
25:28I'm sorry.
25:29I'm sorry.
25:30When did you get one of them things?
25:31Didn't you just go kind of...
25:33Sir, what's wrong?
25:34I think he just sat in the spinal implant.
25:36That doesn't make sense.
25:37Who's controlling him?
25:43I'd better remove the spinal implant and destroy it once and for all.
25:49Wait a minute.
25:50Just give me one week. That's all I ask.
25:52What are you talking about?
25:58Boy, this is going to be fun.
26:00It's cold outside.
26:01There's no kind of atmosphere.
26:02I'm all alone.
26:03More or less.
26:04Let me fly.
26:05Let the concrete appear.
26:06One more time.
26:07In the sun.
26:08Sun.
26:09Sun.
26:10I want to live.
26:11Shipwrecks.
26:12You call me toes.
26:13Drinking fresh nightingale's juice.
26:14Goldfish shows.
26:15Standing on my toes.
26:16I want to live.
26:17In the sun.
26:18Sun.
26:19Sun.
26:20Sun.
26:21I want to live.
26:22In the sun.
26:23Sun.
26:24Sun.
26:25I want to live.
26:26In the sun.
26:27Sun.
26:28Sun.
26:29I want to live.
26:30In the sun.
26:31Sun.
26:32Sun.
26:33I want to live.
26:34In the sun.
26:35Sun.
26:36Sun.
26:37I want to live.
26:38In the sun.
26:39Sun.
26:40Sun.
26:41I want to live.
26:42In the sun.
26:43Sun.
26:44Sun.
26:45I want to live.
26:46In the sun.
26:47Sun.
26:48Sun.
26:49I want to live.
26:50In the sun.
26:51Sun.
26:52Sun.
26:53I want to live.
26:54In the sun.
26:55Sun.
26:56Sun.
26:57I want to live.