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Short filmTranscript
00:30Good morning, sir. How about a little breakfast?
00:43What would you say to a dozen grilled winkles on a bed of curried rice crispies?
00:47I'm not eating that spicy stuff anymore.
00:50Forgive me, sir, but the phenomenon of you not eating spicy food is like a zebra not
00:54being stripy or an old lady not sitting on a park bench with her legs open.
01:00May I ask why?
01:01Well, apart from anything else, it makes your breath smell like a lift full of senile donkeys
01:04returning from a garlic-eating contest.
01:06Well, that's never bothered you before, sir.
01:08But it bothers me now, okay?
01:11It's because of her, isn't it?
01:13She who must be drooled over.
01:15You mean Chris.
01:16Now, whatever my feelings, sir, I will not be tempted into making pity criticisms of fellow crew members.
01:22There is, of course, the issue of the salad cream.
01:25The salad cream?
01:26I spent many months training everyone to put the salad cream in the fridge.
01:30Then she comes on board, and lo and behold, it turns up back in the cupboard.
01:34First moon we come to, let's dump her.
01:41And what about the extra laundry?
01:43Now, there are all kinds of extraordinary items turning up in the dirty linen basket.
01:46Tights, bras, skimpy vests, little socks.
01:49It's a massive extra workload.
01:51Frank is very upset.
01:52Frank?
01:53The washing machine.
01:54Frank, he works better with an identity.
01:56And what about the ironing?
01:57I mean, how do you iron a bra?
01:59Well, you've got to take it off first.
02:00I spent years practising that.
02:02I used to put me nan's bra around the armchair until I couldn't hook it with me left hand.
02:06Even now, every time I see a park and all, I get horny.
02:12But have you ever tried to iron a bra, sir?
02:15The only way I've found is to stretch each container over my head and iron it from there.
02:20Believe me, on a hot cotton setting, it sends my optical systems into leak overload.
02:24Cool.
02:25Sorry, sir?
02:26They're not called containers, they're called cups.
02:28Oh, you see?
02:29I haven't had to learn new terminology.
02:31Special female terminology.
02:33Cups.
02:34Poo-pourri.
02:35Depilatory cream.
02:36It's never anyway.
02:38How come you don't know what bras are?
02:40What about the women on the Nova 5?
02:42Well, when I cleaned up my cash file, sir, I erased my lingerie database.
02:47I didn't see there'd be much call for it unless we had a fancy dress party and you wanted to go as Herman Goering.
02:52Anyway, you can relax, Crichton.
02:54She programmed the scan probe last week and it's returned with coordinates of another dimensional tear.
02:58This time tomorrow, she'll be back in her own dimension.
03:01Well, you're surely not upset, sir.
03:03Look, have you got a problem with hair?
03:05Say something to hair.
03:06Well, I think I will.
03:07Yeah, no point whinging to me about it.
03:09Say it to hair.
03:10Hi, guys. How's it going?
03:12Morning, Miss Kachansky, ma'am. Sleep well?
03:14Coward.
03:15Hypocrite.
03:17You know, not great, actually.
03:19I had this really weird dream about a monkey being stretched across a tennis court.
03:23Noise was just unbearable.
03:26Were you practising the guitar again last night?
03:31So, what's for breakfast?
03:33Oh, what's this doing in here?
03:37Hold me back. Hold me back!
03:48Don't you see, sir?
03:50These deviations from established space core drill could put our lives in jeopardy.
03:54She was only drying her tights on the radiator.
03:57That's the thin end of the wedge, sir.
03:59One day it's drying tights, the next we're spiralling out of control into the core of a newly formed sun.
04:06Sorry to interrupt, but we've got a couple of problems.
04:08All the hazard approach lights are flashing.
04:10All of them?
04:11Yes.
04:12Sorry to interrupt, but we've got a couple of problems.
04:14All the hazard approach lights are flashing.
04:16All of them?
04:17Yes.
04:18Although on this ship that can mean anything from we're under attack to the baked potatoes are burning.
04:22Either way, it's serious.
04:24Getting a reading.
04:26There's something up ahead.
04:28A shiny thing with a long, silvery, glimmery thing behind it.
04:32It's a phasing comet, velocity 25,000 MPS.
04:35That's what I said.
04:37How am I supposed to concentrate on a phasing comet
04:39when as soon as my back's turned, the salad cream gets warm?
04:42Heading straight for its tail, plotting avoidance course.
04:44What's the problem with going through it?
04:46It'll get you home quicker.
04:47Last time anyone did that, the gyroscopic forces ripped the ship apart,
04:50turning the crew into the consistency of potato salad.
04:53Is that the firm, delicatessen-bored potato salad,
04:56or the squishy, gooey stuff in tins?
04:58Tins.
05:00Maybe we should go round.
05:02We can make it.
05:03What a good crew.
05:04We've been through a few things.
05:06Remember when we met up with the Vidal beast of Chalmette II?
05:09The one that nearly killed us?
05:11No, the other one.
05:13Look, we can make it, OK?
05:15Do you know what a comet is made of?
05:17Are you suggesting that I don't know what a comet's made of?
05:19Yes. Well, I do.
05:20So what's it made of?
05:21What's it made of? Yes.
05:22You want to know what it's made of? Yes, I do.
05:24Mum, he knows what it's made of. What?
05:26Sir, tell her, for goodness' sake.
05:28So, what's it made of?
05:30I see, I see.
05:32Gas. Some kind of gas.
05:34Some kind of gas?
05:35Yeah, some gas.
05:36Don't know what it's called, some gassy type of gas.
05:38It's made of ice.
05:39Exactly.
05:40An icy type of gas.
05:41That's what I said, ice, an ice gas.
05:44I hate to interrupt, but this thing, whatever the hell it is,
05:47is going to hit us in about 45 seconds.
05:49I was only trying to save time
05:51so we'd get to the dimensional tear quicker
05:53and you could get home to your much better Lister.
05:55And I'm just trying to prevent us from being scattered all over the galaxy
05:57like some kind of cosmic seasoning.
05:59Here it comes.
06:00That wasn't 45 seconds.
06:02Oh, sorry.
06:03I was reading the baked potato timer by mistake.
06:06Will people not leave it in here?
06:08It just makes us look like we don't know what the hell we're doing.
06:18Lateral tremors aren't responding.
06:20Like wrestling in treacle.
06:22You hear that?
06:23Kat said the tremors are like wrestling in treacle.
06:25No, I said they were down.
06:27Then I asked if you liked wrestling in...
06:30It can wait.
06:31Damage report, Crichton.
06:32The auxiliary flight modulator is short-circuited.
06:34And the chocolate dispenser has ejected
06:36all the Nelly Fruit snack bars onto the galley floor.
06:42What's happened to the stabilisers?
06:44Never mind the stabilisers.
06:46What's the hell, Moose?
06:47Stabilisers? Very unstable.
06:49Nelly Fruit bars sliding about.
06:51I've taken over control.
06:54Hey, what did I tell you?
06:56Come to Daddy, baby.
06:58I have control.
06:59It's called a free-fall vacuum.
07:01We're in between vapour streams.
07:03With a bit of luck, we can ride it across to the other side of its tail.
07:08Or maybe not.
07:11If we don't turn around and go back,
07:13we'll disintegrate in two minutes.
07:15Crichton, that's a little pessimistic, sir.
07:17I'd say more like three.
07:20You know what? I think we should turn round.
07:29Phew!
07:32Well, go on, say it.
07:33Say what?
07:34You know what you want to say. Say it.
07:36You want me to say it? Say it.
07:37You really want me to say it? Go on, say it.
07:39All right. My Dave would never have endangered our crew like that.
07:42You had to say it, didn't you?
07:44I'm not just not calling your boyfriend Dave.
07:46I'm Dave.
07:47He's just an alternative version of me from a parallel dimension.
07:50He's not Dave. He's the Anti-Lister.
07:52Well, whoever the hell he is, I'm not going to get to see him.
07:55Well, whoever the hell he is, I'm not going to get to see him.
07:58By the time we fix this mess, I'll have missed the linkway.
08:02We could have got through that if the thrusters had worked.
08:05According to the syscom,
08:06the thrusters never worked because we're carrying too much weight.
08:09It's Miss Kachansky's laundry.
08:11Why will no-one listen to me?
08:12Those little frilly things are heavier than they look.
08:15Suppose we take a look in the cargo hold
08:17and see what supplies can be jettisoned.
08:19I'll go. I could do with a breath of musty, fetid air.
08:22Sir, you didn't deliberately damage the ship
08:25so that Miss Kachansky had to stay behind, did you?
08:28No, of course not.
08:30Look, I want to check out the hold.
08:32Rimmerman, you coming?
08:35Did I say...?
08:37Why did I call you Rimmer?
08:39I called you Rimmer, my God!
08:41Cap, are you going to make yourself useful
08:43or are you just going to preen yourself all day?
08:45You mean I have a choice?
08:47Come on.
08:48I can't believe I called you Rimmer.
08:53Yes?
08:57As it seems you may be with us for some time,
08:59I was wondering if I might go through a few rules of the ship.
09:02Like what?
09:03Salad cream.
09:04Salad cream belongs in the fridge and not in the cupboard.
09:08Two, pants belong in the pants drawer
09:10and socks belong in the socks drawer.
09:12Having discovered a sock in your pants drawer,
09:15this simple principle obviously needs restating.
09:17Talking of my clothes, I'd like you to explain to me
09:20why my bras come back from the laundry
09:22shaped like... like...
09:25your head.
09:26Sweet. The toilet seat fiasco.
09:28Creighton, I just don't want to hear this.
09:30Mr Lister hasn't said anything, but I can tell he's not happy.
09:33Well, he's not the only one.
09:35Do you think I like flying around space
09:37in this big skip with thrusters?
09:39Do you think I even enjoy breathing in on this ship?
09:41And to cap it all, I am faced with some neurotic droid
09:44who's completely obsessed with my pants drawer.
09:46You mean I'm not happy?
09:48I'm obsessed with my pants drawer.
09:50You mean I'm not alone?
09:52Oh. I see.
09:54I see what you mean.
09:56Well, just as long as we understand one another.
10:00God!
10:02Welcome to hell.
10:04Look at these. Rimmer's old shoe trees.
10:06He had one for every pair of his shoes.
10:09He gave them all names.
10:11Mun-shoe tree, Chew-shoe tree, Wedding-shoe tree.
10:14What the hell for?
10:15They all spent the same amount of time in his shoes.
10:17What a smeghead.
10:19You know, he had lots of funny little habits.
10:21But now that he's gone, I can see them for what they were.
10:23A cretinus.
10:25Little human foibles that made Rimmer...
10:28special.
10:29He was unique.
10:31Yeah. Irritating, awkward and unsightly.
10:33He was the human equivalent of a visible panty line.
10:37Well, we may as well start somewhere.
10:41These can go.
10:42No, no, you can't throw them out.
10:44I remember from when me and Rimmer played golf on Traker 16.
10:47We had a lot of fun.
10:49You had fun with Rimmer?
10:52I'm afraid I only had room to build a nine-hole course, sir.
10:55It is a very small planetoid.
10:57Taking into consideration the thinness of atmosphere, sir,
11:00I've made this a 15-mile hole, par three.
11:07Oh, good shot, sir.
11:10Hey, watch this.
11:12And we...
11:18Oh, smeg!
11:20Oh, I think it's gone into orbit, sir.
11:25Tough luck, Misty. I'll just pop mine,
11:27and you owe me 50 big ones.
11:30Look at him.
11:31The right boots he could be marching into Poland.
11:36Hey.
11:39It's Rimmer's ball, isn't it?
11:40It must have gone right around the planetoid, sir.
11:42Hey, no point in bothering him about it, criety.
11:45Let's go.
11:49It must be here somewhere.
11:51I've been round the planetoid twice.
11:55No ball, no bet, man.
11:57Keep looking.
11:59Memories like that are just too precious to throw away.
12:04Oh, there's her.
12:05How's it going?
12:07We're getting nowhere, bud.
12:09He won't throw any of his stuff away
12:11because it reminds him of the good times he had with Rimmer.
12:14I must have blinked and missed them.
12:16You don't know what we used to do back on Red Dwarf in the early days.
12:19Like when we played the locker room game.
12:21We used to open up the lockers of all the dead crew members
12:24and we got to keep whatever we found.
12:26No, I don't trust you, Lister.
12:28This game's rigged. Every time we play it, you win.
12:31Last time, you got a 30-carat gold wristwatch
12:33and all I got was one Wellington boot
12:35and a box of 100 assorted tampons that glow in the dark.
12:39Right, well, I'll go first this time.
12:41OK.
12:43No, you can go first.
12:45OK. I'll have 68.
12:49I'll have 68.
12:51Fine.
12:53No, you can have it.
12:55Why?
12:56I know you've chosen that one
12:58because you think that I think that you're cheating.
13:00So I'll have it and it'll be useless.
13:02Er, I'm not going to fall for that one, Lister.
13:05You can have it.
13:07You're too smart for me, man.
13:11Hey!
13:12A gold necklace,
13:14a bundle of cash
13:16and, hey,
13:18a nude wrestling video.
13:20Big Bean Bombshells, volume 12.
13:24Right, well, I'll have that one.
13:28Number 58.
13:30OK.
13:38LAUGHTER
13:42What the hell was that?
13:44It was a note.
13:47People who break into lockers deserve everything they get
13:50in a cheap double-crossing slime ball.
13:53Sounds like they know you.
13:56Jeremy, we had fun.
13:58It was great.
14:00It was fun.
14:03I'll put the rubber room on standby, sir.
14:08WHIRRING
14:16How about time cut? You're late, man. Where have you been?
14:21Hello, Lister.
14:23Remy?
14:25Smacking hell, what are you doing here?
14:27I got fed up with adventuring.
14:29You know what it's like.
14:31You save a couple of civilisations and it all gets a bit...
14:34samey.
14:36You come and find the old team.
14:38It's good to see you.
14:40Are you real?
14:42I'm as real as you can get, being a hologram.
14:47So, where have you been?
14:50Argon 5.
14:52I fought in the Belegosian War.
14:54I was decorated and used as a Christmas tree in the town square
14:57where people came and fed me cherry liqueur chocolates for the whole winter.
15:00Really?
15:02No, I'm only kidding.
15:04What do you know about kidding?
15:06I just thought it was time I lightened up a bit.
15:10Hey, hey!
15:15So, what about you? How's it going?
15:17Ah, you know.
15:19Same old starboard.
15:21Same old travelling through space.
15:25I, um...
15:27I hear you've got a new crew member.
15:30Yeah, Kachansky.
15:34What's she like?
15:37She's OK, you know.
15:40Is she...
15:42as good as me?
15:44Well, she's been here a few weeks
15:46and she hasn't quoted one Space Corps directive.
15:53She's pretty attractive, though, isn't she?
15:55Is she? I haven't really noticed.
15:57She's the type you don't really notice.
15:59You know when you eat soup and you spill some on your shirt
16:01and you don't notice it?
16:04So she's...
16:06not as attractive as me, then?
16:08Oh, be daft.
16:10She couldn't hold a candle to you, man.
16:12Yeah, you're just saying that.
16:14No, I'm not.
16:16I've, um...
16:18I've missed you, man.
16:21Then I've missed you too, Listie.
16:23Oh, Arnold, man.
16:25Dave!
16:27Don't ever leave us again.
16:29I won't, I won't. Do you promise?
16:31Oh, Listie.
16:33Rosie.
16:37Argh!
16:39Oh, look out!
16:45Just a dream.
16:47Thank God for that.
16:49Just a dream.
17:01And another thing she does is
17:03she keeps her pants in her sock drawer.
17:05Have you any idea how time-consuming
17:07that can be to sort out?
17:09You mean you've seen her pants?
17:19You're right, Crichton, I must be losing it.
17:21But I'd never be dreaming stuff like that.
17:23The Kissing Bride.
17:25I'd rather go bopping for apples
17:27in a communal latrine at the Reading Festival.
17:30I'm sure this will help, sir.
17:32I'll just insert my hypnotherapy disc.
17:36Now, just relax.
17:44What the hell?!
17:46Sorry, sir. Wrong disc.
17:48That was my German language course.
17:50An extract from Hitler's Nuremberg speech.
17:52Definitely hypnotic, but not in the right way.
17:54I'll just go and find the proper one.
18:00What are you doing in here?
18:02Just looking for something to erase the memory
18:04of everything I've ever experienced.
18:06A couple of gallons of medicinal alcohol should do it.
18:10Listen, for what it's worth,
18:12I'm sorry you missed getting back to Dave,
18:14the hologrammatic hunk.
18:16That's OK. I'm sure there'll be another chance
18:18for you to cock it up again.
18:20I suppose you must be missing him.
18:22Yeah, I am a bit.
18:24I've got to get back to work.
18:26Are you missing him?
18:28Yeah, I am a bit.
18:30I know what it's like to miss someone.
18:32The way they talk.
18:34Yeah. The way they laugh.
18:36I know. The way their nostrils
18:38flare up like two railway tunnels
18:40leading into Snot Street station.
18:43No, you've lost me there.
18:47So you're missing River?
18:49I had a dream about him and he was different.
18:52All smiles and jokes and...
18:54and stuff.
18:56I thought your guys didn't get on.
18:58We didn't. That's what's so weird.
19:00His tagginess drove me crazy.
19:02The way he used to eat his food in alphabetical order.
19:04The way he only ever used three pieces of toilet paper,
19:07one up, one down and one to polish.
19:09Didn't he have any redeeming features?
19:11No. Well, yeah.
19:13Sometimes he went out of the room.
19:15So how come River came to be around, anyway?
19:18Well, Holly brought him back to keep me sane.
19:21But he drove me mad.
19:23So now he's gone, maybe you feel guilty
19:25because you realise he was trying to help you.
19:27If he was trying to help me, why didn't he lighten up a bit?
19:30Be happy?
19:31Maybe he sacrificed his happiness to keep you sane.
19:34But when he appeared in your dream, he was different.
19:37A carefree, fun-loving Rimmer.
19:39A Rimmer who didn't nag you
19:41into helping him catalogue his cheese collection.
19:44You're saying I had it more wrong?
19:46Oh, it wasn't your fault.
19:48You had to hate him. It was what kept you going.
19:51I didn't know.
19:59HE GROWLS
20:02You know what I should do?
20:04I should throw everything away and make a new start.
20:12Oh, sorry, Miss Kachansky-Moore.
20:15This is the medical bay, for sick people only.
20:18Surely you haven't broken out in a confusingly-filed pants rash.
20:22Brighton, do you know how to extract a warm bottle of salad cream
20:25from a mechanoid's rectal cavity?
20:27Not offhand, ma'am, but I could research it.
20:30I'd start right now, if I were you.
20:34OK, sir, now, just relax.
20:36It's all right, Brighton.
20:38I've talked things through with Kachansky.
20:40I'm feeling a lot better.
20:42That really takes the biscuit, doesn't it?
20:44I turn my back for five minutes and she waltzes in here and cures you.
20:47She was only trying to help.
20:49It's not the help I mind, sir.
20:51It's the fact that she succeeded.
21:00OK, guys, I now declare Games Night officially open.
21:03And seeing as Chris is with us,
21:05you can have the honour of choosing the first game.
21:07And as you're a bit sensitive, we're not going to have any games
21:10that involve dropping trousers and lighting stuff.
21:12Well, that takes care of most of the repertoire.
21:14Where's Crichton? I don't know, he should be here.
21:16OK, Chris, name your game.
21:19All right, I choose the Magic Flute.
21:24What's that, sort of musical chairs?
21:26No, it's an opera.
21:29The Magic Flute?
21:31OK, we each hum a section of an aria
21:34and the others have to guess which character is singing.
21:37That's a game? It's more like medieval torture.
21:40No, it's really good cos you can, like, throw each other off the scent.
21:43Once, Dave, my Dave,
21:45he sung the Bird Catcher song in the German translation
21:48and it was hilarious. We all, like, totally fell about.
21:51You fell about? Yeah.
21:53What, were you going through a meteor storm?
21:56So, what games do you play, then?
21:59Match the body part to the crew member?
22:01I always loved that one!
22:03Armpit, name that tune.
22:05Guess whose body is sticking through a hole in the curtain.
22:08Shall I add that one to the slate, bud?
22:11Games Night is cancelled.
22:13If you'll all kindly follow me to the AR Suite,
22:16I have something I think might amuse.
22:29I believe this is the answer to your dream, sir,
22:32and something slightly more effective than Miss Kachanska's psychobabble.
22:41It's a museum to Mr. Rimmer's memory.
22:43I made it myself.
22:45If anyone finds they are missing him,
22:47they can relive those great moments.
22:49It's all in there. The man, the memories, the personality.
22:52The ego. Yes, I had to scale that down quite a bit.
22:55How did you compile the exhibits?
22:57I recreated key events in his life from Mr. Rimmer's diaries.
23:00He kept meticulous records of life on board ship.
23:02Enjoy!
23:05Welcome to the Rimmer Experience,
23:08a place of wonder, excitement and...
23:11wonder.
23:13You are about to witness some heroic events,
23:16which you may well find impossible to attribute to any living person.
23:20But there is one thing you can do,
23:22and it's to be a part of the Rimmer Experience.
23:25I'm going to be a part of the Rimmer Experience.
23:27I'm going to be a part of the Rimmer Experience.
23:29I'm going to be a part of the Rimmer Experience.
23:31It's impossible to attribute to any living person.
23:34But then Arnold J Rimmer was a deeply remarkable man.
23:41Being the driving force behind the Red Dwarf mission,
23:44the fearless Rimmer had to dice with death on a daily basis.
23:48What?
23:49Sometimes it needed a strong mind and cool nerves
23:52to hold the crew together.
23:57Asteroid belt up ahead, sir.
23:59No, it isn't, Crichton, you thick titanium plank.
24:01Those are large, broken fragments of a dying star
24:04which have compressed together under enormous pressure,
24:06causing them to compress into large fragments.
24:08You're quite right, sir. As usual.
24:10How could I have made such an elementary mistake?
24:12As usual.
24:13It's a tough life, Keith, but I get really scared.
24:15Me too.
24:18Savers! Somebody saves before I wet me kecks!
24:21That never happened. I swear that never happened.
24:26I feel sick.
24:27I'm sorry, sir, it is a bit bumpy.
24:29That's what I'm seeing that's making me sick.
24:32So you see, Cat, if you wear the green paisley shirt
24:34with the cavalry twill trousers,
24:36you can be dignified and fashionable at the same time.
24:40Let me at him. I'm going to kill him.
24:42Cavalry twill? What does he think I am, a woodwork teacher?
24:46Say, Rimmer's a really great guy, isn't he?
24:49I don't know what we'd do without him.
24:51I owe my life to him.
24:53I can't stand this. Get me out of here.
24:55Wait a minute. Here comes the best bit.
25:01If you're in trouble, he will save the day
25:04He's brave and he's fearless, stop what may
25:07Without him, the mission would go astray
25:11He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
25:14Without him, life would be much grimmer
25:18He's handsome, trim, and no one slimmer
25:21He will never need a zimmer
25:25He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
25:28More reliable than a garden strimmer
25:32He's never been mistaken for your brinner
25:35He's not bald and his head doesn't glimmer
25:39Master of the wit and the repartee
25:42His command of space directives is uncanny
25:46How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me
25:50He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
25:53He's also a fantastic swimmer
25:56And if you play your cards right
25:59Then he just might come around for a bingo
26:09I never want to see or hear from that scum-sucking lion
26:12weasel-minded smegger in my entire life.
26:16Sigmund Freud, eat your heart out.
26:20It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere
26:24I'm all alone, more or less
26:27Let me fly, far away from here
26:31Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun
26:37I want to live, shipwrecked to comatose
26:41Drinking fresh Nigel's juice
26:44Goldfish shows, dripping on my toes
26:48Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun
26:54Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun
27:18www.mooji.org