One Foot In The Grave S06 E04 - Threatening Weather
Transcript
00:00Oh
00:08Misery me
00:30I
00:49Beggars belief doesn't it into one decent candle in the whole house?
00:55Don't know how long this lot are going to last
01:01I don't know where to put them for the best. I know where I'd like to put them
01:07Just be patient I
01:09Expect it'll come back on any minute
01:13And stop sighing like that. You're sucking up all the oxygen
01:24Typical isn't it the hottest day of the bloody year?
01:27But what a good job we bought these three giant chill master electric fans last week
01:35They're just a ticket for a night like this
01:42Have a good mind to go to bed. Oh, why don't you I?
01:46Wouldn't sleep this early never get off till about 3 in the morning as it is
01:51Just lying there old tense and jittery. Don't I know it?
01:56The way you were twitching about in your stomach last night like a porpoise having a seizure
02:02Squirming about with your bottom all clenched up to kingdom come
02:06God knows what you were dreaming about. I told you not to watch deliverance before you went to bed
02:14Be claw marks on that headboard now forevermore
02:19Some people grind their teeth in their sleep you grind your buttocks
02:23Yes, all right could have sharpened a pencil up there last night I
02:28Said all right
02:31We want to be reminded about it. Thank you very much
02:36And don't open that window we'll be eaten alive by mosquitoes
02:40The same every summer that ruddy ornamental pond of hers across the road turns into a public health hazard
02:47No
02:50Perhaps I'll just stick my head in the fish tank. I mean what am I supposed to do?
02:56It's like a big house in here
03:01Look at these croissants three days and wilting already
03:06Never mind plant food should give you a sassy of Viagra
03:11Bloody things oh
03:17God that's sharp pain all down my front again
03:20You can't tell me that's wind all those monkey nuts. You're eating in the bath. I should think it's shaping up for a cyclone
03:28Hang there with all the little husks floating about like canoes no wonder you didn't finish your tea
03:34Yes, well I needed a bath after buggering about all morning with that new lawnmower
03:41Three words
03:43Destined to strike fear into any man easy home assembly
03:51Just bring the grass box together I took four hours
03:54Every time you got a bit to stay in so another bit would pop out
03:58Be forcing chrome shafts into snap rings in my sleep tonight
04:02Doesn't matter how much you pay for something nowadays. I still expect you to put it together
04:08Yes, here's your boating pass for the flight to Rome mr.
04:11Mildred you'll find the plane lying in a flat pack at gate 13
04:16Complete with a full set of instructions
04:24Same with that lamp shade up it up the other day
04:28Chains and that were all lopsided so you've told me about a hundred times
04:42I
04:52Wonder if it's Crohn's syndrome
04:56Rodding at it you've been to the doctors. He's given you a thorough checkup all over
05:02Yes, I was another thing. I got undressed and suddenly he starts staring at my feet and
05:08Whistling as though he's never seen anything like it
05:11Said do you mind if I take a photo of these for the Lancet I?
05:15Mean what was that all about well? Why didn't you ask him? Well? I didn't like to in case it was something hideous
05:27Burning up I can tell you that much
05:35Wish I'd bought that foot spa now we saw in Debenhams
05:38Could have that lovely water whirling all over them and freshening them up
06:08Any minute now the cap and if I ever find the bastards who did this they'll know about it. I can tell you that much
06:16Coming to it when you can't put your cap down and a pump table to go to the toilet
06:21Without someone selling a cigarette out in it
06:24That's what happened well. I don't imagine. It's a moral thing to do
06:28I don't think it's a moral thing to do
06:30I don't think it's a moral thing to do
06:32I don't think it's a moral thing to do
06:34I don't think it's a moral thing to do
06:37Well I don't imagine it's a moth with a very healthy appetite
06:41Some yob's idea of an hilarious prank
06:45Why don't you go upstairs and do your Tai Chi might help you relax? It doesn't help me relax
06:51It makes me feel like a complete idiot
06:55Mr.. And mrs.. Ellsbury swear by it
06:57So when they came over to give you some lessons the three of you were getting on quite well together
07:00We looked like Wilson Keppel and Betty
07:06I got up at 6 this morning to go and do it in the park where no one could see me and what happened I did
07:11That thing where you have to squat right down. I couldn't get back up again
07:16Had to walk all the way home like a chimpanzee
07:21Won't be trying that again
07:28They say that hot air rises don't they what if it's any cooler down here
07:36Hmm
07:54Good book
07:57Extremely and I've just got to the interesting bit, so if you don't mind
08:07I
08:10Got the dinner party from hell tomorrow night
08:15Great Aunt Joyce and uncle dick I
08:19Wonder if it'll be any grimmer than the last one I expect so yes
08:25Knew we were in for a pleasant evening when he came in and said where shall I put the spittoon?
08:30I
08:34Told him to make himself feel at home, so he took his false arm off
08:39And said ah that's better
08:43Didn't know where to look
08:48Was using as a backscratcher at one point
08:50Oh
08:57Do you remember yes, I mean, that's all you want to hear halfway through a meal isn't it?
09:02Don't make her laugh too much her glass eyes a bit loose
09:10Right in a plate of salad
09:14The eyesight's not that good in the other one shouting it's alright. I've got it
09:21But we'd never prize that cherry tomato out of the socket
09:32That enough of the lawnmower without having to put the dinner guests back together
09:43If it's no better than this tomorrow I
09:46May have to immigrate
09:49What did the forecast say perhaps it'll be a bit cooler. Yes, and perhaps it'll be hotter still
09:56You know I never watched the weather forecasts
09:59If it's a nice morning, and they say it's going to be worse in the afternoon. How can you enjoy the morning?
10:05Best not to know about it
10:08It's the same as life in general
10:11There are certain things you don't ever want to think about what sort of things
10:16Well, I don't want to think about them do I
10:22It's the only way you can go on isn't it from one moment to the next I
10:28Mean if you knew now all the horrible things that were going to happen
10:46Making sure you put those screws in properly
10:53Is it still in one piece I
11:00Didn't look I
11:05Suppose we should be glad it fell on something soft
11:11Yes, it's lucky I hadn't had a sash here by a girl could have been smashed to smithereens
11:17Don't be course I mean three and a half days it had to do that, but no it had to come down just at that moment
11:38And my chest or horrible and sticky
11:42She's gone all crisp everywhere now. I'm not surprised with all that hair lacquer. You've been squirting on
11:52Enough to glue up a yak
11:55Yeah, thanks very much for pointing that out to me
11:59Look at things more carefully in the first place. You're hot. I'm hot. There's nothing we can do about it until the power comes back on
12:06And when will that be I expect it will come back on any minute now do you mind
12:37Is that the one where the murderer fires a crossbow through the keyhole
12:44It's a very good one if I remember rightly
12:52What
12:58Sometimes but all that happens at the beginning surely
13:01Or do you only find out about it at the end ah
13:11Yes, sorry about that
13:21Do you mind if I boil the torch now you finished with it?
13:32Oh
13:36There's a man here who never throws his urine away
13:41Belongs to a religious sect that regarded as a sacred bodily fluid containing part of the human soul
13:48Kept everything he's ever passed since October
13:521973
13:54All bottled up in a huge wine cellar
13:57And now apparently Leicestershire County Council are getting a court order to have it removed
14:03Said mr. Hibbert 48. It's not the first time people have tried to take the
14:15I'm only reading what it says right up your street that sort of thing just tickles you to death
14:27Read in here the other day was to be able to go to the toilet over the Internet I
14:33Mean how the hell's that supposed to work?
14:37Don't know why I buy the bloody thing sometimes
14:48God what did I tell you now? Where's the insect repellent? I think I left it in the car
14:56Don't open that front door. Well, what's the difference in here now anyway?
15:27I
15:43Don't know what does did you see that young bloke from down the road and his girlfriend only having sex in the backseat of our
15:50car
15:52Where I forgot to close the sunroof
15:54Boulders brass just merrily getting on with it without a thought for my suspension
16:00They didn't even stop when I opened the door
16:04Stuck naked the pair of them and he had the cheek to tell me to go and put some clothes on
16:11Said I was luring the whole tone of the area
16:14That's that poor butcher son Kevin. You see they don't care anymore youngsters like that butcher his pork next time. I see him
16:21Clothes all over the front seat and I didn't tell you what I found in the gear stick
16:29God
16:32Completely worn myself out now with all that. Oh
16:38I'm sorry Margaret
16:41I've had it with a human race. I'm going to become a registered hermit
16:48Who was it said
16:50Hell is other people mrs. Smedley at number 14
16:56Just after she got back from Benidorm
16:59She's got enough on her plate with that mother and father of his living there. I don't know how she copes
17:04Don't know when I last saw him
17:07Didn't someone say he's actually so fat. He can't get out the front door now
17:12However much must he weigh?
17:14Don't know. I
17:15Think he's got something to do with all the tablets. He has to take poor old soul
17:20I know the neighbors have been complaining when she hangs his underpants out to dry. They lose an hour's daylight
17:28I'll be reporting that little incident to the parents concerned. Don't you worry?
17:33bloody yobbery
17:35morning noon and night
17:38I
17:50Do not believe it
17:55Go to them I might have known just as I was coming up on the box
17:59Did you see that see what on the screen just there a man pointing at a photograph of my feet?
18:07As large as life I just cut it before it went off again that was a detail from the crucifixion I
18:15Think I know my own feet when I see them. It's a program about Renaissance art. I recognize the mole above my big toe
18:30Well, I know what I saw
18:33Stop fretting about them. There's absolutely nothing the matter with them
18:38Oh
18:44So we still can't watch any television
18:49What's on anyway
18:51Dinosaur Hospital take of the day
18:55This week through the magic of state-of-the-art technology the team help a pterodactyl with a cleft palate
19:02I
19:05Presume the presenters are computer-generated as well. Are they I?
19:09Mean Rolf Harris has been dead for 15 years to my certain knowledge
19:19It's more than flesh and blood can stand oh, I expect it'll come back on in a minute
19:31Oh
19:37There's nothing else for it, but to listen to Dale Winton reciting Kubla Khan
19:47Something to bring a smile to my face
20:01Oh
20:07Turn it off
20:12Well, there must be some more batteries in this drawer somewhere I've already checked
20:19No, oh
20:21How do we forget about this?
20:24Scented candle that Ronnie and Mildred brought back from Marrakech. Are we really that desperate?
20:31I'm afraid we are an enchanting blend of
20:35Camphor vanilla and peach it can't be that bad
21:02Important this is not a circular
21:06What is it a circular?
21:10Apply now for your special discount loyalty card to Cottleswood crematorium
21:16Collect three thousand points or more for a cash bonus
21:19Plus a free clock radio if you nominate a friend to be cremated before August 31st
21:25I
21:28Nominate anything gonna be all this bloody junk
21:31I meant to get some batteries when I was out this morning
21:34But with all that kerfuffle on the way home, it just went right out of my mind. What kerfuffle is that? Oh, yes
21:39I didn't tell you did I?
21:41There was a big siege going on in one of those houses by the putting green some maniac
21:48Apparently holding a family of five hostage at gunpoint
21:51The police had got the whole area sealed off traffic was being diverted. It was just like something out of a film
21:57Apparently they weren't allowing anyone near the park. They've got concealed marksmen in the bushes. God knows what else
22:05What time was this I've been going on since yesterday lunchtime
22:08I think they said but I was up the park first thing this morning
22:12Took that shortcut by the wire netting right next to the putting green. I didn't see any concealed marksman
22:18Well, you wouldn't would you they were concealed?
22:22Obviously, they were taking no chances reckoned this man was a complete nutcase
22:26Said if he saw anyone doing anything remotely suspicious, he was just gonna open fire on them and ask questions later
22:33remotely suspicious
22:34You mean I was fart arsing about up there in the middle of the grass in full view of an armed psychopath doing bloody Tai Chi
22:41exercises
22:42Jamming my hands in the air like a simpleton. I
22:45could have ended up with a bullet through my
22:51No
22:57No, it'll be what you said
23:00Someone with a cigarette in the pub. I mean this is this is probably a completely different part of the park or something
23:09I've come over all faint now
23:13There's a quivering feeling in my left ear like a whining sound
23:22I
23:25Probably get dengue fever of the inner ear now
23:43Of course we wouldn't mind
23:46Oh, we'd be only too pleased to do so if you want to bring him over that'll be fine
23:53What won't they mind what are we only too pleased to do now mrs. Smedley?
23:57She's got to take her mother-in-law up the hospital
24:00They think she's had a stroke and of course they can't leave the old man on his own over there in the dark and everything
24:06So she said would we mind keeping an eye on him in here just to make sure that he's all right
24:12You know till they come back. Oh, you're joking
24:15Old mr. Smedley the Hindenburg disaster on legs
24:20I mean, how have we got room for him in here? You've got a lunary clips just passing the window
24:37Yes, it used to belong to my brother worked in the Kent minefields for 25 years
24:44Mmm prior to his untimely death from respiratory failure
25:01Yes, sorry to hear about your wife mr. Smedley, why don't you come and sit yourself down? Yes, I
25:08Will if you if you don't mind
25:12And kill
25:23I'm very sorry about all this. I'm sorry to be such a nuisance. Oh, don't be silly
25:30Would you like a brandy or anything to steady your nerves? Oh, no, it's all right. I've I've got my hot water bottle
25:38It's always a great comfort I find
25:45Sorry to be such a nuisance
25:48They think my wife's had a stroke yes, we hope she'll be all right up there they're terribly overstretched
25:58Lady next door had to wait two hours the other week just to get to the operating theater
26:03They said they were very short of trolleys and did she mind sharing with the corpse
26:09She's a nightmare these days. I hope she'll be all right up there. They they said she'd probably be out in a few days
26:15Ah, I expect she will
26:20Well
26:22Perhaps I'll just sit here and and read my book. Would you mind? No, of course not. Thank you
26:33Chapter 8
26:35That evening I was surprised at my dodging by a visit from mr. Brough
26:41There was a noticeable change in the lawyers manner. It had lost its usual confidence and spirit
26:48It shook hands with me for the first time in his life in silence
26:53Are you going back to excuse I asked by way of saying sir, but I'm sorry
26:59You actually have to read it out loud or it's the only way I can get it to go in
27:07And stay there
27:09You'll find that when you get old
27:14Yes, sir, you see I knew I was going to be a nuisance no, no, no, mr. Smedley if it helps to take your mind off things
27:23Anyway
27:24I'm going to the toilet now, I'm afraid. Oh fine. Well, you know where it is and everything. No, I mean I'm going to the toilet now
27:37As I speak
27:40The control goes, you know after a while aggravated by too much stress and excitement
27:53I
27:59Don't think it's any damage done
28:05Yeah, you see I said I was being a nuisance and uh, and I have been
28:11She'll be alright though. Won't she up there? I mean they they said she'd only be in for a few days
28:22I
28:53Oh
28:54My god, I suppose we're gonna be up with him all night potty training. Mr. Creosote
29:02That's all we needed
29:04No, no, it looks as if he's going to nod off in there. Actually, I think we might just let him sleep. Oh
29:12What?
29:13Yeah, I just feel a bit sick. What?
29:17How sick and breathlessness? What else have you got chest pains?
29:21Radiating out with stores of shoulders. I'll be okay in a minute. I bet he's had bloody candle turn my stomach over. Oh
29:31God yeah, I
29:33suppose
29:35What?
29:36well, it just
29:38You know what he said about his wife
29:42Remember when my dad went into hospital
29:46They said that would just be for a few days
29:50And after a few days, they said it would be just a few more and that's how it went on
29:58And we always knew it would be all right a couple more days need to be back home with us all again I
30:06Don't think there's any other way we'd have got through those last six months
30:13It's like you said
30:16If it's sunny in the morning, you don't want to know it's gonna rain in the afternoon
30:21Oh
30:27Three hours, it's been awful. No, this is ridiculous
30:32Yes, well, I
30:34expected to come on again any minute I
30:40Expect