One Foot In The Grave S06 E06- The Wisdom of the Witch
Transcript
00:30Dear Iris, I hope you're all well and that life is treating everyone kindly in your part
00:55of the world.
00:57As usual, we've had our share of misfortunes this end, not least the sudden death of your
01:04Auntie Ursula, which I hardly need to say came as a terrible blow to us all.
01:11In fact, I don't imagine any of us could possibly have foreseen the utter nightmare that was
01:17about to take hold of our lives that night three weeks ago as we prepared to celebrate
01:23our 37th wedding anniversary.
01:28To begin with, the day had been unusually calm.
01:32Victor had got himself some part-time work doing odd jobs on a farm just outside town,
01:38and I'd been out shopping with some friends, but by six o'clock that evening, trouble was
01:44already brewing.
01:45Mike!
01:46Sorry I'm late!
01:48You have a good time at the farm?
01:57If you call plodding about a cloud field all day looking for a wedding ring a good time,
02:03yes.
02:04My spine feels like one of Yuri Geller's teaspoons.
02:08Four days in the trotties had me out there now looking for that thing.
02:16Sissy reckons it came off when he was planting his barley.
02:26I'll be seeing earthworms in my egg fried rice tonight.
02:31I know I will, but first I'm going to have a nice hot redox bath.
02:39Don't go upstairs!
02:42I've been slopping up and down a wet cornfield for eight hours, knee-deep in muck and manure.
02:48I've probably got bindweed growing out of my bottom.
02:53If I don't have a bath now, I...
02:56What's wrong?
02:57Margaret?
02:58What's happened up there?
03:00You remember those teenagers you had an argument with the other morning outside the pet shop?
03:05The ones playing ten-pin bowling with some garden gnomes and a tortoise?
03:09Fantastic little yobs.
03:11And no-one else had the nerve to say a dicky bird.
03:13Well, they certainly got a piece of my mind.
03:16They haven't been here, have they? In this house?
03:20I went out the front this afternoon and I must have forgotten to lock the back door
03:24because when I came back, there were...
03:35Oh, God!
03:40Better than day to day!
03:46No, no, no. I can't possibly agree.
03:49Of course a high level of toxicity would make the pathology conclusive, obviously.
03:54The hepatic culture would be essentially redundant.
03:57If you're looking at a liver the size of an orthopedic mattress,
04:00that's not subjectivity, it's empirically suggestive, surely.
04:05You say it might rain tomorrow?
04:08Magic mucky on the farm for you again?
04:10Nah.
04:12I suppose that wedding ring must be important to him to have you out there every day hunting for it like that.
04:18I'm lucky he doesn't think it'd come off inside a cow and I'd be up to my old age.
04:22Absolutely not!
04:24So the histology supports the hypothesis, of course,
04:27but that's not to say conclusions can't be reached intuitively as well as intellectually.
04:32I mean, do you hear what I'm saying?
04:38I wish you were out here with Mrs. Warboys.
04:41You'd buy up Marks and Spencers between you.
04:43Yes, it was a bit of an afternoon, I meant to say.
04:46We went for a coffee afterwards and met a witch.
04:49I can't get on with these things.
04:51A witch?
04:53Yes, you probably know him. Mr. Dimkins who serves in the sweet shop.
04:57The man who serves me my barley sugars?
05:00Who told you he was a witch?
05:02He did. And he had the head of a dead cockerel in his briefcase. He showed it to us.
05:06We got chatting and he went through the tarot cards for us.
05:09He said, I was going to have a long and peaceful life
05:12and you were going to be visited by a plague of devils.
05:17A plague of devils?
05:20What did he mean by that?
05:22Something horrible and nasty was how I took it.
05:25Like the wrath of Lucifer.
05:27Wrath of Lucifer?
05:29It's just a bit of fun.
05:31How would he know you were going to come to a sudden untimely end?
05:34Eat your seaweed.
05:38Did he say that? A sudden and untimely end?
05:42Things that people come out with.
05:45I don't know how you're expected to...
05:47I can well recall when I was an intern in Tallahassee
05:50that there was a woman, I think she worked in real estate,
05:53who, while blowing up a balloon,
05:55drew too large a breath and inhaled the balloon.
05:58So it became blotched in her windpipe.
06:01Every time she tried to speak, the balloon would go in and out
06:05like the sack of a frog,
06:07which in turn made her hyperventilate
06:09and causing it to be misdiagnosed as a goiter.
06:13Conversely, I once autopsied a hyperthyroid,
06:16but when I... Excuse me.
06:18Oh, that's funny.
06:20I thought for a minute this pepper pot had been bunked
06:23and wired up to a 100-watt PA system.
06:25I came here tonight for a quiet meal with my wife,
06:28so will you please do our eardrums a favour
06:30and keep your bloody voice down?
06:36There.
06:38Put your head back.
06:43No.
06:48I think I can still see a bit of chopstick up your nose.
06:52LAUGHTER
06:58I don't wonder people turn violent the way you carry on.
07:01Look at this.
07:03You've got half a set meal for two down these trousers.
07:06Can't we go any further?
07:09Or do anything?
07:11Without it turning into World War Three.
07:14I'll get it.
07:18Oh!
07:22Oh!
07:26I don't look for it, Margaret.
07:35It's the young culture of today.
07:37It's everywhere you go, like it's a log pitch.
07:46Not exactly hard to see where it comes from
07:49when you've got a government with all the compassion of a haemorrhoid.
07:54The Prime Minister looks as if someone's forgotten to plug him in.
07:59Yes.
08:01Well, thanks for letting us know.
08:04Oh, we will. Yes.
08:06Bye.
08:20Please write it tonight.
08:22I'll see to it in the morning.
08:24Who is that? More bad news?
08:26Cousin Ursula's died.
08:28A solicitor tried to ring up while we were out, apparently.
08:31Poor old soul.
08:33She go peacefully?
08:35Struck by lightning at the end of teleaddicts.
08:39Last night, in that big storm,
08:41she'd just gone to the fridge to get an egg out for her tea
08:44and that's when it hit her, straight through the fan light.
08:47Neighbour came in and found her,
08:49flat on her back with the egg frying on her forehead.
08:54Oh, dear.
08:56Well, everything in that big house of hers
08:58is out in the country to sort out now.
09:00I suppose it'll be down to us.
09:02She didn't have any other close relatives.
09:04I suppose.
09:06Oh, what about you-know-who?
09:08He can't stay there on his own now.
09:10Maybe.
09:13Oh, my God.
09:16Oh, my God.
09:20Edwin.
09:24Oh, there's something you don't see every day.
09:26Someone's gone and nailed Claude Monet's painting,
09:28The Water Lilies, to a large post in our front garden.
09:31No, it's not a lie.
09:33Something even more beautiful.
09:35It's an estate agent's board with the word soul along the bottom.
09:40I wonder if we should take it with us to our new home.
09:43It's framed and placed above the mantelpiece
09:45as a reminder that you should never give up hope.
09:48Where did this come from?
09:52It's just a small stress-relieving device.
09:55Silly, I know, but it's been a good friend to me over the years.
09:58Amazing to think that in four days' time I may never need it again.
10:01And the words Victor Meldrew
10:03will be forever consigned to the pages of history.
10:06Like the Black Death.
10:08Oh, Lord, is that the time I'd better move?
10:10Still can't get used to actually going in every day after all these years.
10:13To a real office.
10:14With your own secretary.
10:16An expense account and a pension scheme.
10:18And your own secretary.
10:21Big fan of Ronald Coleman, is she?
10:24Who?
10:27This... Whatever her name is.
10:29Christine.
10:32Where are we taking her for lunch today?
10:34Somewhere nice?
10:36I expect we'll have a quick bite in the pub as usual.
10:39Really?
10:40I didn't think she was old enough to go in pubs.
10:44There's no rush with all this packing, you know.
10:46We've got till Friday.
10:49Well, um...
10:50I'll see you tonight, then.
10:52It's possible.
11:00Ronald Coleman?
11:10Haven't you found it yet?
11:14Sorry?
11:15The farmer's wedding ring.
11:17Oh!
11:18No, not yet.
11:20No.
11:21And you won't tell her.
11:23He's not married.
11:25Oh.
11:26I haven't certainly...
11:30I haven't certainly...
11:32I haven't certainly...
11:34I haven't certainly...
11:36I haven't certainly...
11:39What do you mean, he's not married?
11:41What are you talking about?
11:43You're the fifth one he's had this month.
11:45All the others twigged it after three days.
11:48Twigged it? Twigged what, for goodness sakes?
11:51You work it out.
11:54What do you think?
11:56Don't just waltz off like that.
11:58Come back here, do you hear me?
12:00And tell me what it is I'm supposed to have twigged.
12:03When I open the door, he's only sitting in there.
12:06Sitting in there like Rodin's thinker on a bag of potatoes.
12:09I mean, absolute worst nightmare.
12:11I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to Saturday,
12:14my first taste of freedom.
12:16Same again.
12:18Mr Trench,
12:20can we talk somewhere?
12:26This is going to sound so naff and girly.
12:28It's just that when I feel strongly about a person,
12:31I'm not going to let them go, whatever happens.
12:34Right.
12:36I mean, I know you're a married man,
12:39and I'm living with this bloke, I think I told you about him, Melvin.
12:42Works at the ball bearing.
12:44Well, he's been seeing other women.
12:46And I mean, I've got needs and emotions as well, and I...
12:50I can't say it, you're going to think I'm being so stupid.
12:54No, no, don't be silly.
12:59I told him
13:01that you and I were sleeping together in the stationary cupboard.
13:06Well, not sleeping.
13:08You know, having it off.
13:10Having it off to work.
13:12Having it off?
13:14In the stationary cupboard?
13:16How could you do that?
13:18Well, spread some jiffy bags on the floor and you get on top.
13:22No, I mean, how could you lie to him like that?
13:25Oh, no.
13:27Oh, it's insane.
13:29I mean, at your age, sick.
13:31I just wanted to make him jealous.
13:33To show him I couldn't be taken for granted.
13:36Well, I never thought he'd take it that seriously.
13:39I mean, to say he was going to kill you.
13:41You'd say what?
13:43He's all mouthy, don't worry.
13:45He's never killed anybody in his life.
13:47Oh, good.
13:49No, not killed them exactly.
13:52I mean, he was never really that violent before they put him away.
13:55You see, that's the trouble with prisons.
13:57You learn bad habits.
13:59Obviously, I've told him it was all just a wind-up,
14:01but he won't believe me.
14:03He's got it all locked inside there now.
14:05As far as he's concerned, you're dead.
14:09I think I've made a bit of a mess of things, haven't I?
14:12Anyway, look, thanks for the drink,
14:16and, well, I'll see you around.
14:18OK.
14:22Well, thanks very much indeed.
14:24Bye.
14:27Afternoon.
14:29I wondered if you could do anything with this.
14:32There's no way it's going to survive the move,
14:34so I thought perhaps your magic touch,
14:36you might be able to coax some life back into it.
14:39Well, I'll give it a go,
14:41but I'm afraid it's not going to work.
14:44Coax some life back into it.
14:46Well, I'll give it a go.
14:48Thanks very much.
14:52Are you all set now, then?
14:54Getting there, slowly but surely.
14:56It's unpacking it all the other end I'm dreading.
14:59Well, you know, I said I'd come over and give you a hand.
15:02Are you sure?
15:03Cos Patrick will be as much use as a glass buttock.
15:07That'll be a godsend.
15:10You all right? You're looking a bit fretty.
15:13Well, I've just been talking to a witch.
15:16That bloke at the sweet shop
15:18who put sticks of licorice out in the sign of the pentagram.
15:22He told me yesterday
15:24that I was going to live a long and peaceful life
15:27and Victor was going to come to a sudden, untimely end.
15:30Well, I mean, I know it's all twaddle,
15:33but, well, I just rang him up
15:36and said, could he be more specific?
15:39And he said, under no circumstances
15:42should Victor go on any long journeys this weekend
15:44because that's when it would happen.
15:48Oh-ho-ho! He's all floppy.
15:50I know.
15:52He's not going on any long journeys, is he?
15:57Well, he did talk about driving up to my cousin Ursula's
16:01in the country on Saturday.
16:03You remember the one who just died?
16:05They've got a whole house full of junk up there
16:07to dispose of now, somehow or other.
16:09All our documents and our paperwork to sort through.
16:13Not to mention the dreaded Edwin.
16:16Who's Edwin?
16:18Can you credit it?
16:20I mean, can you begin to credit it?
16:26You're back early. Did he give you the afternoon off?
16:29Toppy knows, Farmer. I'll give him the afternoon off.
16:32I mean, you're employed as an odd job, man,
16:34and you expect the jobs to be a bit odd, but not that.
16:38Five days out there, tripsing up and down that field,
16:41thinking I was looking for a wedding ring.
16:43Do you know what was all about?
16:45He was only using me as a scarecrow.
16:54I got one of the tractor drivers to tell me in the end.
16:58Apparently, the wooden ones are no good any more.
17:02The birds just perch in the arb.
17:05That's why he put me in this big white coat of your please,
17:09to make sure that I'd be seen by the rooks.
17:15Sorry?
17:21I mean, that has to be my best career move yet, doesn't it?
17:28I always knew that degree course I took
17:30at Wurzel Gummidge College, Cambridge.
17:33It's failed, actually.
17:37Yes!
18:04LAUGHTER
18:10PHONE RINGS
18:184291? Yes.
18:21Oh, well, you nearly didn't.
18:23Got outside and found the zip in these trousers had gone,
18:26so I've come back. Yes, I've got the keys.
18:29Thought I'd pop in for a bit of food first,
18:31time me over in case there's nothing in the fridge when I get there.
18:34Willard, you say you were going out to get your hair done?
18:37Oh, yes, you said.
18:39Well, their removal van's just arriving, actually,
18:42so I expect that there'll be...
18:45Oh, for crying out loud!
18:50What?! I'll tell you what's the matter now.
18:53Those yops who were in here the other night,
18:55they've only been at my trousers!
18:58You know what this'll be?
19:00Because I made that remark about the tears in their jeans.
19:03Bastards!
19:06PHONE RINGS
19:07Oh, there's someone at the door now.
19:09Coming!
19:12You say come in?
19:22This can't be right, can it?
19:2519 Riverbank.
19:29KNOCK ON DOOR
19:41Are you coming up, then, or what?
19:52No, I'm happy on my own.
19:54I just wondered if you'd changed your mind about Monday.
19:59LAUGHTER
20:12I'm off now, then. I'll see you when I get back.
20:15OK, don't come on, now.
20:17You can't be bothered to get any lights up out there.
20:19I will!
20:29LAUGHTER
20:41What in the name of hell do you think you're doing?
20:44Who am I, running a bloody transport cafe in the bedroom?
20:47Oh! I'm going to put some Danny's sauce in the dressing table.
20:51Go on, get out of the play, I'll be for crying out loud.
20:55Is that your van outside? Constellate Ridley?
20:58Yeah. Well, you've got the wrong address, haven't you?
21:01It's next door, you want, number 17.
21:03Well, you've quite finished using my house as a multi-storey ashtray.
21:07LAUGHTER
21:11Why do I get the feeling it's going to be one of those days?
21:17I suppose it might just be bluster, but you never know with some people.
21:21I wonder if these Brussels will be all right when they get there.
21:25I mean, you're being sent to prison for violent crime.
21:28I don't know what the man's capable of.
21:30Should I just throw them away now and be done with it?
21:33Are you listening to me?
21:35I've just been issued with a fatwa by my secretary's psychopathic boyfriend
21:39and all you're worried about's a bag of sprouts.
21:41Well, perhaps that will teach you to be more careful where you dip your wick in future.
21:47LAUGHTER
21:49Well, are you going into town today for my shopping or not?
21:53Oh.
21:55Dip my wick? What are you talking about?
21:58Morning. All packed up for you, ready to go.
22:01The curtains are staying and so's the cooker.
22:04Apart from that, it's all yours.
22:06What about your husband? You taking him as well?
22:09Only if you've got room.
22:11Stick him in the tea chest with the frying pan.
22:14Look, we had a few drinks together...
22:16Now, you've got the new address and I think we said £475, didn't we?
22:20Right.
22:22Did you hear me? Nothing happened. Why can't you get that into your skull?
22:26Patrick, I could smell her perfume on your breath.
22:31Smell her per...
22:37At least shot away to buggery.
22:40I can't talk to her any more.
22:45You thought that bloke next door was an headcase?
22:48It's just out of local water supply.
23:14BUZZER
23:33BUZZER
23:45The big day for you today, then.
23:50I expect we'll be bumping into each other again from time to time.
23:54Who can tell, Mr Meldrup?
23:57Oh, my God!
23:59Isn't that bloody typical?
24:08Left my bottle of whisky at the check-out.
24:12Anyway, good luck with it all.
24:15Yes. Yes, thank you very much.
24:29BUZZER
24:37BUZZER
24:41BUZZER
24:45BUZZER
24:57BUZZER
25:05BUZZER
25:07BUZZER
25:11Don't even think about screaming.
25:17You must be Melvin.
25:19And you must be Patrick.
25:23I never touched her, I swear to God.
25:25Look, she just made all that up.
25:27Are you calling my girlfriend a liar?
25:29Not in a substantive sense, necessarily, but it's just...
25:32We didn't do anything. Nothing happened.
25:34You'd love me to believe that, wouldn't you?
25:36In the boot. What?
25:39A bit less public.
25:43Now, do it. Get in.
25:45No, but you don't understand...
25:47One more word and you fill it in.
25:49You don't understand, this isn't...
26:06OK, here we go.
26:37BUZZER
26:56BUZZER
26:58BUZZER
27:03I'm telling you, make one noise, it'll be your last.
27:12BUZZER
27:24BUZZER
27:28BUZZER
27:40BUZZER
27:43BUZZER
27:46BUZZER
27:53BUZZER
27:58BUZZER
28:07Well, that's the limit, isn't it?
28:09Taking the lavatory seat with you.
28:12I wonder they've left the light bulb.
28:16Some people.
28:18And did you read this?
28:20Welcome to your new home.
28:22Don't worry about the holes in the back garden.
28:24That's where we dug up the daffodil bulbs.
28:27Have taken the brass number 16 off the front door
28:30as our new address is 91
28:32and we can use it again upside down.
28:34Best wishes, the Pinnocks.
28:36P.S.
28:37The gas fire in the lounge will light at the 23rd attempt.
28:45I think we'd better give it a try, don't you?
28:47It's got very nippy all of a sudden.
28:49Yes.
28:50It's trying to snow already, look.
28:53They said it'd turn nasty around lunchtime.
28:56Especially up north.
29:00Isn't that where Victor's gone?
29:05Oh, come on, come on.
29:09You're here somewhere, I know you are.
29:14Where the bloody hell's that tunnel gone to?
29:26You bastard!
29:28You took me in the bloody road!
29:36Only half a mile to go as well.
29:39I mean, I just do not...
29:56Oh, God.
30:21What the hell are you doing?
30:24Oh, God.
30:26What the hell are you doing in there?
30:29Don't ask.
30:31Don't ask?
30:33I'm 75 miles from home in the middle of nowhere
30:36and you leap out of the boot
30:38and start squirting at me with toilet freshener
30:40and you haven't given it a sound explanation.
30:43Someone thinks I'm having an affair with his girlfriend.
30:47He thought this was my car, so he made me get in.
30:50Naturally, I thought he brought me up here to...
30:53God, I can't even breathe.
30:55Well, can you walk?
30:58To where?
31:00That place up there.
31:02It belongs to Margaret's cousin who's just died.
31:04I come up to sort through all the stuff...
31:06Look, the sooner we get inside and out of all this, the better.
31:10You go on, I'll catch you up.
31:13Here.
31:24Oh, by the way...
31:26What?
31:28Watch out in this field.
31:31I seem to remember that...
31:44You were a long time.
31:46Did you get through?
31:48Apparently, the virus.
31:50A long time. Did you get through?
31:52Apparently, the van broke down on the ring road.
31:56Flat battery or something.
31:58They said somebody's working on it
32:00and hopefully they'll be here within the hour.
32:05So, still no sign of Patrick, then?
32:09He only went into town for a few odds and ends.
32:13What's happening to everyone this afternoon?
32:21There's only heating in this place.
32:23I think I was warmer in the... Oh, God!
32:25What is it? Behind you.
32:27Sorry? On the wall behind you, Mr Meldrew.
32:31What? You mean this painting of a spider?
32:34Don't even say the word.
32:37What? Please.
32:39What? Spider!
32:42Thank you. Thank you very much indeed.
32:45It's one of Ursula's wildlife studies.
32:47She was always into natural history
32:49and, of course, he was a great outdoors man.
32:52Fishing, rock climbing, mountaineering.
32:55Are you all right?
32:57I can't look at them. I'm sorry. I can't even think about them.
33:00It's been the same all my life.
33:02Oh, dear.
33:04Do you mean like in that film, Arachnophobia?
33:10Did you ever see that?
33:15Yes. I'm hardly...
33:17I'm hardly likely suffering from a pathological fear of spiders
33:20to have gone to see a film called Arachnophobia.
33:23Am I, Mr Meldrew, any more than a man with hay fever
33:26would stuff a dandelion up his nose?
33:29I suppose not.
33:31But I'll just put it down here out of the way.
33:34Hey!
33:45Kids have been throwing stones at the windows.
33:48I'll see if I can find a shovel or something.
34:05Oh, my God!
34:09Where have you gone to?
34:12Edwin.
34:15Edwin.
34:18Oof.
34:20Edwin.
34:23Edwin.
34:27Oof.
34:41It's, um, what's-her-name Ursula.
34:44You say she lived here on her own?
34:48Oh.
34:52Since her husband died, Walter, about two years ago.
34:55I was wondering if there might be some old clo...
35:00Clothing of his I could change into.
35:03I'm sure. Could be one of his old suits about. It's more than likely.
35:10Right.
35:18Hey.
35:24God almighty.
35:41Oh, my God.
35:47Oh, my God.
35:50Oh, my God.
36:14Can I come in?
36:16Do you have to go this second?
36:18Walter, there's already enough permafrost in my underpants
36:21to keep a leg of lamb fresh for a month.
36:23And standing by a laboratory passing icicles
36:25does not come high on my list of favourite sensations.
36:28It's out of order.
36:30What?
36:32The pipe must have frozen or something. It went flush.
36:35Why don't you use the one downstairs and I'll get a bath running.
36:48Oh, my God.
37:18Oh, my God.
37:49The address is 16 Gallipoli Gardens.
37:52Yes.
37:54If you could tell her that I spent the morning in the boot of a car
37:57inhaling a rancid Wellington
37:59and the afternoon up to my ears in a frozen duck pond.
38:03That I'm now in a deserted old house with a madman who...
38:06Actually, just say madman. She'll know who it is.
38:09And that it's currently snowing in the sitting room.
38:12Everything's fine and I'll talk to her soon.
38:16I'd appreciate that. Thank you. Goodbye.
38:47Oh.
38:49I must have been more tired than I thought.
38:51Got out of that bath and fell fast asleep on the bed.
38:54So I noticed.
38:56And take it was you that made that towel in there all soaking wet.
39:00Should ever use a flannel at home.
39:02What's that supposed to mean?
39:04Well, you get the worst of the water off first with your flannel and wring it all out.
39:08Then you use the towel to dab off the final drops.
39:12It's a well-known fact.
39:14And there was me with this cockeyed notion that the towel was for drying yourself with.
39:19There you buy this mince, do you?
39:21What's wrong with it? It's extra lean.
39:23You can get super lean now at Tesco's.
39:25This is 10% fat.
39:27Super lean's only 5%.
39:29It's a perfectly good mince.
39:31It's the one I'll always use.
39:33You will?
39:34If you want a job, you can start in those onions.
39:37How many?
39:38Two should be enough.
39:40And use a rubber gloves.
39:42Don't chop up onions with your bare hands. Surely to goodness.
39:46Why not?
39:48Why not?
39:49Because in three weeks' time when you pick your nose,
39:51you'll still be able to smell them on your fingers.
39:54Don't you know anything about cooking?
39:56I know how to chop an onion. Thank you very much.
40:00Go easy on those crisps.
40:02From the look of it out there, we could be stuck here for weeks.
40:05Well, thanks ever so much for letting us know.
40:08Thank you. Bye.
40:10Well, that's a relief anyway.
40:12At least you know he's safe and sound.
40:14And we've found your car.
40:16We can go and pick that up once the others have got here.
40:18For goodness sake, how long does it take to change a battery?
40:22What's that?
40:23I just came through the door.
40:27Oh, it's to you.
40:32Dear Mrs Meldrew, enclosed, please find...
40:35£475 as agreed in cash settlement
40:39with compliments Tunstall and Gridley.
40:46Tunstall and Gridley?
40:49They did...
40:53When the van came this morning,
40:56you did...
40:59Oh, no.
41:05Double four.
41:07Now, where are we?
41:09I'm going to move these two here
41:13and these two here.
41:19All right.
41:22Five and one.
41:27Tricky. It is tricky.
41:31You know, it's a bit nice that we've had this little bit of time together,
41:34don't you think?
41:36In the end, I was just saying to Margaret yesterday,
41:39I'm going to miss Patrick and Pepper.
41:44Patrick and... What is it?
41:46Patrick and Pepper.
41:47That's right. Patrick and Pepper.
41:51Sounds like... Sounds like a Hungarian sandwich,
41:55if you ask me.
42:06It is the wrong...
42:09I get it.
42:17Hello.
42:18Yes, he is. He's right here beside me at this very minute.
42:21How's the weather at your end?
42:23Never mind the bloody weather.
42:25Do I gather that two removal men called round our house this morning
42:30and you sent them next door because they'd got the wrong address?
42:33Don't remind me.
42:35There was another cock-up narrowly averted.
42:38If ever there was one.
42:40It wasn't a cock-up.
42:43What?
42:44They'd got the right address.
42:46They weren't removal men.
42:49They were the people I rang up about Ursula's house.
42:53Don't you remember?
42:55I got them out of Yellow Pages the other morning, Tunstall and Gridley.
42:59They were a house clearance firm.
43:04A house clearance...
43:10I didn't go into details at the time. They were a bit busy.
43:13They said they would call round one day this week
43:16to see exactly what needed to be...
43:21The removal man has been stuck on the ring road all morning.
43:26What else were Patrick and Pepper supposed to think
43:28when those two bloody cowboys turned up?
43:31All we've got is a mobile number which isn't working.
43:35So now we can't get hold of them for love nor money.
43:37They could be anywhere.
43:39Right.
43:43Well, I'll... Will you?
43:45Yes. OK.
43:47Thanks for ringing, then. Bye.
43:51Everything fine back at base camp?
43:53Mm-hm.
43:54Well, there's been a slight hiccup, evidently,
43:59on your removal operation.
44:01It appears that, due to an error on my part,
44:06the men who came to your house this morning
44:08weren't, in fact, removal men after all.
44:12They were from one of those house clearance places, of all things.
44:21And they've taken your furniture away to be sold in a junk shop.
44:27Nobody... Nobody seems to know quite where, unfortunately.
44:40So, um, whose go is it? Is it yours or mine?
44:57You sure you shouldn't stay over?
45:00Just till the morning.
45:02The way those roads were, coming up.
45:05Thank you. No. If necessary, we'll find a hotel.
45:08You're very welcome to the big bedroom up there.
45:11Mr Mildred, on balance, I'd rather stick my head up an elephant.
45:15Mr Mildred, on balance, I'd rather stick my head up an elephant.
45:45Ah, furniture. I remember that.
45:48How are you feeling now, anyway?
45:50Feeling a damn sight better once we've got in touch with the people...
45:53Hi! Can I help you at all?
45:56This is a hotel, is it?
45:59It most certainly is. My name's Lorna. What can I do for you?
46:02So, just let me close this.
46:07We can hear ourselves think.
46:09We've got a private function on tonight.
46:11People come here for a good time and we make sure they get one.
46:15Any want a room?
46:17Um, well, all I seem to have free is the honeymoon suite.
46:21Oh. That'd be nice, wouldn't it?
46:25Yes. It is a bit special.
46:28And you'd like a couple who'd make the most of it.
46:31Oh, I'm sorry. I'm being a bit naughty.
46:35Not necessarily.
46:37How much is it?
46:39Well, let me see if I can work you out a special rate.
46:46This is a bit good.
46:48For 50 quid.
46:50It's romantic, really.
46:53I wonder if we ought to make it two nights.
46:56You might not have any option.
46:58Oh, you know what the police said?
47:01They're hardly going to do anything with our stuff on a Sunday.
47:04I'm sure they'll track it all down.
47:07In a couple of...
47:11Ooh.
47:13Look at this.
47:17To enhance your enjoyment,
47:20anything else you need is under the pillow.
47:25God, they have thought of everything.
47:30Patrick, I know I've been a pain these last few weeks.
47:35It'd be nice if tonight we could make up for all that.
47:39As far as I'm concerned, you could even keep that ridiculous-looking...
47:44Yes?
47:48Come here.
47:50Come here.
48:05I think we're going to need some ice.
48:09Be two cents.
48:21BUZZER
48:38Oh, I'm sorry.
48:40Don't worry about it. Everyone's cool tonight.
48:43Hey, where are you going? You're going to miss all the action.
48:47Looks like being a good one, Lorna said.
48:50I don't know where they're from. Last-minute arrivals or something.
48:54BUZZER
49:18BUZZER
49:28BUZZER
49:30BUZZER
49:45We were wondering if the bed was still going.
49:50I'm going to take a couple of Valium tonight and to hell with it.
49:55Let's have that toiletry bag in the back seat.
49:59I'll have the rest of the bottle.
50:05Are they OK? Oh, I think so.
50:08The things that go on in some of these hotels.
50:12If you're talking about a plague of devils, that man certainly had his share this weekend.
50:17God knows what he'd have done if he'd known there was a live bird-eating spider on the premises.
50:23I just hope you blocked up that tank properly when you put him back in.
50:28What if he manages to squeeze his way out again somehow?
50:31Stop worrying and go to sleep.
50:34DOORBELL RINGS
50:54The cobblers were so helpful.
50:57They told me about my missing brother-in-law, gave me directions up here and everything.
51:05Look, I told you, nothing happened. It was me and Christine.
51:09You are dead, mate.
51:11Why won't you believe me? We never did anything.
51:14God! What's up in there now?
51:17It's business with his secretary. I thought they'd got it all sorted out.
51:21Just listen to him. I've never laid a finger on her.
51:24Please, just try and understand... Ah!
51:27I can't believe it. He just let them sort it out themselves.
51:31Ah!
51:44Just as well they have moved and they're going to carry on like this every bloody night.
51:51Look, I've got no reason to lie to you. She doesn't even fancy me in the first place.
51:55She won't fancy you any place after tonight.
51:58Just let them be. It's got nothing to do with us.
52:01But it's ridiculous. I mean, what's she doing to him in there?
52:13Oh, God, stop!
52:17It's all gone quiet now.
52:21Ah!
52:23Ah!
52:29Oh!
52:33Oh, God!
52:35Is the door locked?
52:37I think all the keys are the same in this place.
52:40I'm being struck!
52:45Here.
52:50God!
52:52Get in! Hold on! Hang on!
52:54Ah!
52:59Oh, God!
53:13Oh, God!
53:15Oh, God!
53:17Oh, no! Don't let it be!
53:20Oh, no!
53:23Ah!
53:27Oh, God! Call for an ambulance!
53:35Anyway, Iris, the light will be going soon.
53:40And it's starting to get a bit chilly.
53:43So I expect I'll finish this later, when I get home.
53:52Oh, God!
54:22Oh, God!
54:36I don't need it!
54:42I mean, how can anyone...
54:44LAUGHTER
54:46All the same with Jimmy White and a final completely ghost of pieces.
54:52Here's that weird angle again,
54:54when you think the ball's going to shoot out of the screen and whack you in the eye.
54:59These miniature cameras everywhere in sport now.
55:03Goalposts, cricket stumps.
55:06Suppose if it's sticking one up Willie Carson's bottom before long,
55:10then all the other horses coming up behind him.
55:13You were a long time in the end.
55:15Popped down the cemetery to put some flowers on your dad's grave.
55:19Then I got writing that letter to Iris and time just seemed to slip away.
55:23You tell her about all that business at Ursula's and the witch?
55:26Yes.
55:27The character who said I'd be dead within five days shot his theory down in flames.
55:31Of course, I can't get everything right.
55:35But I was going to live a long and peaceful life.
55:39Peaceful enough tonight?
55:42Yes.
55:45Oh, for the love of Mike, listen to that!
55:48That bloody snapping noise has started up again now.
55:51The one that sounds like Indiana Jones inside his head, cracking his whip every five seconds.
55:56Two days after they fixed it.
55:59I've just about had it.
56:01Come round here, resting their soldering irons in your glasses.
56:06If you ask me, I don't think...
56:08Hello!
56:09Is that the service department?
56:11I heard that in the background.
56:14Yes, you can tell her it is the bald old dagger with the attitude problem.
56:19I don't like the way your service department carries on.
56:23Never mind, go back to being a scarecrow.
56:28If you take less time processing and more time repairing people's equipment, we might start to get some...