One Foot In The Grave S05 E08 - Endgame
Transcript
00:00:00You
00:00:30You
00:01:00Oh
00:01:19Great can't get away from each other
00:01:22God, you've been spending some money
00:01:24I don't know. So listen, no one comes for a meal at our place and goes hungry
00:01:28If you can't push the boat out with your next-door neighbors, it's a poor do
00:01:32By the way, I asked your husband if there's anything that upsets his stomach. He said the TV commercial for Scottish widows
00:01:38Yes, that has been known to produce outbreaks of vomiting
00:01:42Food wise Betty I wouldn't worry you're talking about a black hole with tonsils. I've known plastic cutlery disappeared down there before today
00:01:49Oh
00:01:50So look, we'll see you what about seven. I'm lovely. I don't want to be out too long
00:01:55We've got a painter starting work this morning and ten to one Victor still won't be back in time
00:01:59he only popped out to pick up a new answer machine, but
00:02:03Knowing him anything could have happened
00:02:19I
00:02:49I
00:03:19To
00:03:27Record an outgoing message on your hookah suit suey answer
00:03:34press
00:03:35ogum
00:03:37And speak three inches from the microphone. Oh
00:03:50This is
00:03:54Please speak after the tone just hear that back now
00:04:09Turn into bloody Japanese
00:04:14Bloody machines
00:04:19That's another classic isn't it even by the standards of this household to my dying day I will never understand
00:04:29Sorry
00:04:30Yes, I'll be back for half an hour. I would have been back earlier
00:04:33But I get called by a detective if you please coming out of the shop
00:04:37Said I was just the right look for an identity parade that we're carrying out some blokes be exposing himself to elderly housewives
00:04:44And after a lot of faffing about it turned out they got the wrong man, ah here we are English operation
00:04:52Need to be ready Stephen Hawking died to understand these things
00:04:59Talk of the devil
00:05:03Did you manage to get your appointment that the opticians okay? Yes next Saturday morning no problem in that department
00:05:14Oh
00:05:16What's wrong with this bloody thing now
00:05:19You came in the front just now. I take it. Yes. Why oh
00:05:44That
00:05:46Young man you asked to come here today to paint our house
00:05:50What about him? I think it might just be worth sticking your head out of the door to check on his progress
00:06:13Oh
00:06:32Why can't people be more specific
00:06:34He stuck his card through the door. I rang him up. It all seemed perfectly straightforward
00:06:39Where is anything you do?
00:06:41straightforward
00:06:42Like that business yesterday nearly getting stabbed to death in your own staircase
00:06:46You look for enemies all the while you'll find them
00:06:49She a paranoia half the time when two blokes ask if they can pop in to use your toilet
00:06:54You don't imagine they're gonna start dealing drugs
00:06:59I mean, what have I got to do keep a sniffer dog in the downstairs lavatory now?
00:07:04Very grubby world out there Margaret. You just don't see it the things that go on in broad daylight
00:07:10Is it daylight very hard to tell with that great rusting out in the way
00:07:14And I don't see why you get such a problem in that score
00:07:18Plenty of people buy caravans for their holidays without having to go to war over it holiday
00:07:23You must be joking. It has all the charm of an iron lung
00:07:28Across the road thought we'd left it out for the dustman
00:07:31Just needs a bit of a spring clean. That's all then. It'll be as good as
00:07:36Oh
00:07:40Can you believe this what it says in this box
00:07:42I've only just noticed that chap in the electrical shop see what he scrawled over the top here. Look
00:07:49Meldrew's a turd
00:07:58Meldrew's a turd
00:08:02Meldrew Saturday to be collected
00:08:06I
00:08:15There's definitely a full stop after turd
00:08:21Now is it a fly-dropping
00:08:26Yes, I'm afraid it was all a pain in the ARSC really my first marriage where it worked out
00:08:31She was a money-grabbing little SOD
00:08:34And took everything left me well without a POT to piss in
00:08:40I mean, it's not something you want to hear really is it that your wife's been going to bed with a windscreen wiper
00:08:47One of those chaps
00:08:49Who does your car at the traffic lights?
00:08:51Apparently they've been at it for months getting up to all kinds of weird games. I never had a clue even the squeegee ruts in
00:08:58Her bottom. I just took for cellular
00:09:00So that was that I'm afraid and of course all the strain of the divorce I came out in this terrible nervous rash
00:09:06You know that thing where you're losing all your body heat
00:09:09They had to rush me to hospital wrapped from head to foot in metal foil. Talk about oven-ready when I first met him
00:09:16Touch wood. He's been fine since then
00:09:18Haven't you since I eliminated all stress from my life settled down into a job. I really enjoy
00:09:24In yes, what is it you do exactly I don't think you said I'm a cartoonist
00:09:29Yes, didn't didn't Betty tell you I draw cartoons for magazines and newspapers, you know in the local on the back page
00:09:35McVitie's view the little man who comments on the news every night. Oh, yes
00:09:40That miserable old twerp is always moaning about something
00:09:45He's very funny
00:09:48So you're that McVitie where'd you get your ideas from?
00:09:52I don't suppose we'll be seeing much of him for the next couple of weeks
00:09:56Derek and Betty are renting a cottage in Norfolk for a fortnight. Doesn't that sound idyllic? Yes
00:10:01How about you? Oh, you've got your caravan now. You're gonna take it somewhere nice. Well, I thought we might just
00:10:07Think we better change the subject
00:10:10Well, anyway, I must say it's been a real treat having you over tonight, isn't it?
00:10:14It has which only goes to show you can't believe everything you read in books
00:10:19Yeah, that's absolutely sorry a couple of weeks ago we found this
00:10:31Top shelf of the wardrobe left behind we assumed by our predecessor
00:10:35Chap was clearly deranged things. He's written in there some tale about you trying to get him and his wife into bed with you one
00:10:41night
00:10:44What was that one about the naked man swinging past the window like
00:10:49Less eating crabs in his underpants. It's like something out of William Burroughs. What did you do go around sniffing fire extinguishers?
00:11:11Now it's painless enough tonight then
00:11:14She's very pleasant in the end
00:11:16What's this doing here? Oh, that's got to go back. It's got a faulty nozzle. Oh, when are you going back?
00:11:36Certainly nice to have neighbors that we get on with again don't spell out rude messages with their socks on the washing line
00:11:46Day before they moved out with a glove at the end giving two fingers
00:11:51Can we make a real effort do you think this time to stay on the right side of them
00:12:02Build up of greenhouse gases. I think that's what I've got. Like someone's been up here bottom of the bicycle pump
00:12:09Page I suppose was it going slack and seizing up
00:12:17Very gurgly gut tonight
00:12:43Here we go another blast from the past
00:12:47I
00:12:57Do much fizzy water that'll be hot still in future see if that helps
00:13:16I
00:13:46I
00:14:01Morning mr. Muldroo hard at it
00:14:12Been quite a while since you had an upright so your wife was saying
00:14:17Oh
00:14:20Yes
00:14:21Last week get very good suction to it
00:14:25So, how are you these days? Oh, yes house still feels very empty without her
00:14:30But I was having a bit of a clear out the other day actually some of her old things and I thought you might like
00:14:36this
00:14:37I'll have no use for it. Obviously. I
00:14:42Suppose not
00:14:45Thank you very much, you're very welcome. Yes. Yes, I should imagine this will look quite nice once you finished
00:14:52What you're gonna do get a priest in or just not bother
00:14:58What do you mean sorry
00:15:01What do you mean get a priest in? Oh
00:15:04Sorry, I naturally
00:15:05You've not seen the front page of this week's psychic news then psychic news
00:15:09Yes, it gave me quite a turn when I first read it. I don't mind admitting
00:15:15I
00:15:21Residents in Litchfield Staffordshire breathed a sigh of relief last week when a mobile home said to contain the spirit of Satan
00:15:28worshiper mrs. Velda Bassett
00:15:31Finally left town after finding a surprise buyer in the home counties
00:15:37The vehicle which has been dubbed the most haunted caravan in Britain
00:15:42Has been associated with bizarre paranormal activity and there have been reports of mrs. Bassett described as a cross-between
00:15:50Julian Shepherd and the late Jimmy Clithero
00:15:53Floating through the air and into neighbors houses through the keyhole. I wouldn't take any of it
00:15:59Seriously load of tommy rot by the sound of it. Oh and talking of vehicles. Are you still okay for tomorrow?
00:16:05Sorry action for the elderly you very kindly volunteered your services to do a bit of driving for us. Ah
00:16:11Yes, that's only um, there's an old lady we'd like you to pick up from the airport now she's not entirely with it
00:16:16I'm afraid so
00:16:18That's her name and address and I'll set of keys to her flat
00:16:21If you could just settle her back in and make sure she's nice and secure. Yeah, I'll try and deal with that
00:16:25It'll be much appreciated
00:16:28And for goodness sake don't start worrying about this
00:16:32You can always join Ghostbusters home start
00:16:36Provide you mr. Meldrum. Goodbye
00:16:41You
00:16:58There's a kind of green slime now oozing out from under the wheel
00:17:04That's where mrs. Aylesbury's cat was sick in the pavement
00:17:09You see that's exactly how these stories get started people let their imaginations run away with them
00:17:14I told you there was something fishy about that advert, but no
00:17:18Didn't you even suspect when the bloke delivered it who's being paranoid now?
00:17:22Margaret is a perfectly nice ordinary caravan that we could take down the coast for a few days down to Dorset us somewhere
00:17:28The only place I would take that now is bitchy head and push the bloody thing off
00:17:35So you can put that away and can we get off the subject please gives me shivers
00:17:45How can a caravan be haunted make any sense of any kind I said, can we drop it?
00:17:53Can't believe the size of him now, you know next door since his mother died
00:18:00Guess any fatter they'll have to wheel him around in a dolly
00:18:05Terrible how people let themselves go over something like that. Oh
00:18:11God not like this character. Oh
00:18:15Yes, let's make bereavement glamorous. She's supposed to be mourning her husband
00:18:20It's more like one of those bimbos on page three with a boot lace between their buttocks
00:18:28It's everything that's wrong with the values of today Margaret
00:18:31Like I said before you just can't see it
00:19:01Oh
00:19:15You drive me yes, how do you do? I'm Victor you have a good flight
00:19:21Master now Mary English it's me. I see my hand. What's it? Well, I thought you could either I'll get married
00:19:27We'll make a kid. Why are they?
00:19:31Never mind, you can have a nice nap on the way back. Do you want to come with me? Yeah, let me take that
00:19:49Diabetic if we could organize an ambulance, please to go to the hospital
00:20:01Here we are back safe and sound
00:20:31This is where we have
00:21:01I
00:21:20Mean I don't think I'm gonna have to leave you to it. Now. I'm afraid mrs. Akali be getting back for my lunch
00:21:30You've got your own keys haven't you? These are the ones that we keep to pop in and make sure you're okay
00:21:36Now make sure that that front door is properly locked. All right, there's a lot of nasty people around
00:21:42Whoever it was that kidnapped mrs. Khan only minutes after she arrived in the country. They were obviously very sophisticated operators
00:21:47Whoever it was that kidnapped mrs. Khan only minutes after she arrived in the country. They were obviously very sophisticated operators
00:22:07As yet we've received no actual ransom note or demands from those responsible
00:22:12But in view of the fact that her son is one of the wealthiest businessmen in Britain
00:22:17I would imagine they'd be looking for a six-figure sum
00:22:37Forty nine one
00:22:40How are you no, no, no just outside
00:22:42Oh, you know trying to bring a few wilting specimens back to life
00:23:12Oh
00:23:18My god
00:23:22Don't tell me I've reached that stage now
00:23:26Please oh
00:23:34You're welcome. Yes. Good luck with it. Anyway, bye
00:23:42Hey, I think I may have well, oh, yes, I gave you a bit of a sprinkle
00:23:59Well, thank you very much for that Margaret, you know, I've got poor pair of trousers and the dry cleaners at the moment
00:24:12Oh
00:24:32And how are you
00:24:43Oh
00:24:47Thanks ever so much for the other evening we really enjoyed ourselves
00:24:50You're more than welcome
00:24:52I was wondering if I could leave our front door key while we're away and the code for the alarm just in case of
00:24:57Emergencies, of course, no problem. Come on through. I'll make a cup of tea. Oh
00:25:03Wouldn't say no
00:25:06Oh
00:25:08Your break I bet that's something I've never done rented a cottage but always fancy the sound of well
00:25:15Listen, if you're interested we got asked from this woman. Someone recommended us to I know she's got plenty more in her books
00:25:21I could give her a ring if you like see what else is still available
00:25:23Well, if it's no trouble, oh, I tell you what I have got is a letter in this somewhere
00:25:32With her address and phone number on do you want to contact her yourself?
00:25:45Thank you very much
00:25:53Oh
00:25:55What the hell is it no
00:25:57It's gone what's gone I thought it was much lighter in the front room bring the police bring it to Paul
00:26:28I
00:26:49See you didn't waste much time then doing what dear mrs
00:26:54Understand you and your husband are looking for a holiday home to rent from the 60s to the 30th inclusive and of great pleasure in
00:27:00Offering you number five Laurel Park, which is a delightful two-bedroom cottage near Kroger. Doesn't that sound idyllic?
00:27:16What to nine one
00:27:18Speaking delightful
00:27:21She must have rather up straight away
00:27:24Well, we have been promising ourselves something this year
00:27:28And what was your big idea falling through? Yes, I will stand. Thanks very much. I buy you a drink for this. Cheers
00:27:35Could you believe that Stan down the road? He's found it our
00:27:40caravan
00:27:42Only not his scrapyard if you please popped in there first thing for a part of his car there it was as large as life
00:27:49And still it after all whoever it was just dumped it down there for devilment
00:27:53Dumped then for devilment if I ever find them, who can you think I would want to do a thing like that?
00:28:04Hello, my name is Mel drew I believe you've got a caravan of mine down there that some bastard turn away from my
00:28:12house
00:28:14Like it back, of course, I bloody well worked
00:28:18Well as soon as what?
00:28:20Well, I'll be in all morning
00:28:23Sorry. Ah
00:28:28Must have speak to you for some reason
00:28:30Oh
00:28:36Yes, that was a spot of luck wasn't it what can I say mrs. Mel drew I followed your instructions to the letter
00:28:42I've got it down
00:28:44It wasn't for that nosy Parker neighbor
00:28:46Now it's all gone tits up. I'm afraid I mean, I've got no choice. He wants it back. I'm gonna have to bring it
00:28:53Yes
00:28:54well
00:28:56I'm glad she's feeling better and give her my love. Bye Archie
00:29:07Well, I think I'll start on that painting this morning out the back
00:29:11You are when you cocked up the previous arrangements. I thought I'd have a go at it myself
00:29:15Well be careful climbing ladders
00:29:20Artists crap yard and T doesn't do my colon any good at all all this
00:29:26I
00:29:56Mean in the name of all that's early. Are you telling me? This is what Stan saw when he said he'd find it down and you're I'd be for God's sake
00:30:04But I love my way to do when he got in mr. Meldrum you can't be serious
00:30:13You did say you'd like it back I wasn't wrong I mean in the name of all that's early
00:30:18Are you telling me this is what Stan saw when he said he'd find it down and you're I mean for God's sake
00:30:25I
00:30:34Right
00:30:35Fine, right, you can take it away now then. Thank you very much. Sorry. Mr. Meldrum. This isn't my caravan come again
00:30:41This isn't my caravan. Mine was white with a yellow streak. This has got blue in it
00:30:48So if you'll be so kind, I'm afraid all this has been a case of mistaken identity
00:30:52Identity are you winding me up? This is yours. It's gonna be yours
00:30:58Come on, will you play in it?
00:31:01And if I'm not mistaken here comes the proof
00:31:13Ruddy Smith brothers from canal side estate
00:31:16Might have known they'd be behind it
00:31:19family of gangsters
00:31:21Nick anything that moves
00:31:23Nailed-up blokes here to a railway sleeper the other week
00:31:26No name of the coppers that had to go around there
00:31:28It doesn't alter the fact that you're not getting me to go away in that chamber of horrors this year or ever. Oh
00:31:35Not yourself on that paint. I've only just finished the undercoat
00:31:40Supposed to be the cottage is it as usual? I've got to knuckle down as you want to do
00:31:45Will you be that much of an ordeal?
00:31:48well
00:31:50Do you want to bring that woman up and tell her? Yes, I already have
00:31:55Left a message saying we pick the keys up from the neighbor and I'll put a check in the post for the deposit
00:32:03Enjoy it once you're there. It'll help you to relax get rid of some of that tummy tension
00:32:12Well, I'm going to go have a nice long soak for an hour
00:32:16I like my aromatherapy candles
00:32:46I
00:33:03Set it for Verdi's Requiem, it's recorded American wrestling
00:33:08Did you hear someone scream just there next door no, why what's up?
00:33:13No
00:33:14You know these stories prey on your mind about naked men outside the window
00:33:19it's just that I
00:33:21Heard on the grapevine. You've been hauled in by the police the other day for indecent exposure
00:33:26Probably someone got the wrong end of the stick. I know only when I was around there yesterday
00:33:36Well, he appeared to be having sex with a radio
00:33:40Stop it. Listen, if you were mrs. Bithery's parents three doors along you'd have something to worry about
00:33:46Well, apparently they just stopped off on their way back from holiday to visit their daughter
00:33:50Parked outside here spanking new caravan. Someone nicked it ended up in the crusher
00:33:57What's the mentality of people these days you tell me?
00:34:09Oh
00:34:39Oh
00:34:49Tell me you went out and forgot your keys
00:34:59Me through that performance myself with someone fitted new locks, but you've got to be careful. You could have split
00:35:09Right
00:35:22Right, what's this?
00:35:25Telephone you telephone my son shoddy car. I will of course the minute I get back
00:35:39I
00:35:46Thought we're going to try and get away just after lunch
00:35:48We've got plenty of time
00:35:49I just called in at the garage gotten to check all the electrics over and get that dodgy handbrake sorted out
00:35:54Then I called in again and that old dear make sure she was alright and just as well
00:35:58I did now. I've just got a very quick phone call to me. Well, you won't make it on that contraption
00:36:03The bloody things just committed harakiri the whole lines gone completely dead now you're joking I
00:36:15Know what I can do
00:36:33I
00:36:43Like to speak to shoot Rick on oh
00:36:46It is right and you don't know me. I carried out a little job yesterday collecting your mother from the airport
00:36:54Yeah, she's perfectly safe and well at the moment, but she was rather anxious that I give you a
00:36:59I
00:37:03Beg your pardon
00:37:06Will you indeed I
00:37:10Don't have to listen to this
00:37:13Yeah, I don't know what your problem is another time I won't bother
00:37:19I'm sorry
00:37:21It's the sound of his voice. I just it's okay. I think we got a trace. Yep. That's it
00:37:29Oh
00:37:49I'm dead on my feet
00:37:52Three and a half hours
00:37:55Stuck on that bloody hard shoulder
00:37:59People just slowed down to laugh at us
00:38:02Checked all the electrics over
00:38:05Why do you go back to that?
00:38:08Fiber night garage when one of them had to look up carburetor in the dictionary
00:38:12Great didn't pack up on us this time. It could have been much worse. Oh
00:38:16Do we leave everything now till morning? I'm going up those stairs if my legs will carry me and just collapse
00:38:29I
00:38:59I
00:39:01I
00:39:03I
00:39:30Forgotten to lock
00:39:33Just such a smooch my face
00:40:03I
00:40:33Do not worry for a bit
00:41:03I
00:41:33I
00:42:03I
00:42:28Real damage done
00:42:30See things like that
00:42:32You're asleep.
00:42:34I don't know any more.
00:42:36What's nightmare and what's reality?
00:42:39Are you OK?
00:42:41Yes, I'm fine. Absolutely fine.
00:42:44You can see exactly how it happened.
00:42:47I left our letter there for them with her address and phone number at the top.
00:42:51He picked it up thinking she'd written to them.
00:42:54And... Oh, well.
00:42:57It's all sorted now, anyway.
00:43:00We've got the whole two weeks ahead of us
00:43:03for peace and quiet,
00:43:05to relax away all our troubles.
00:43:08Yes, you're right.
00:43:10Of course you're right.
00:43:17That's it. No tricks, no clever moves, no funny business.
00:43:20Derek John McVitie,
00:43:22you're under arrest for the kidnapping of Mrs Siniti Khan.
00:43:31SHE SIGHS
00:43:395.45.
00:43:43I tell you what we could do now, if we got our act together.
00:43:46No, before you even say it.
00:43:48What was I going to say?
00:43:50I know what you were going to say, and the answer's no.
00:43:53We're all geared up for it now, and the thing's just sitting out there.
00:43:57You can be down the coast in three hours, have a nice time,
00:44:00and gradually head west into...
00:44:02For some bizarre reason,
00:44:05I am not in the mood.
00:44:08I wonder why.
00:44:10Now, if you want to take your hook with your hair home on wheels, fine.
00:44:14Off you go, and good luck.
00:44:16You're not still on about this haunted caravan, are you?
00:44:19I wish I'd never told you now.
00:44:21Oh, yes? Like the other things you haven't told me about.
00:44:25What's that supposed to mean?
00:44:29Margaret?
00:44:31Just what the hell's that supposed to mean?
00:44:33You have me believe that these things all just happen
00:44:36because that's the way the world is, but I don't see it.
00:44:39Do they, Victor, just happen,
00:44:42or do you make them happen?
00:44:44Make them... Oh, yes.
00:44:46There was just a ticket to all that this morning.
00:44:48I mean, there's nothing I like better than sprawling about in a glass roof
00:44:51with so many clothes on, terrorising innocent housewives.
00:44:56But...
00:44:58What?!
00:45:00You...
00:45:03This surely isn't about the other day
00:45:07when I was at the police station.
00:45:13You don't seriously think it could be me,
00:45:17that pervert thereafter in the cap and the raincoat?
00:45:21You don't actually think I could go out
00:45:24and do something like that to women in the street?
00:45:28Well, you certainly don't do it to me.
00:45:32LAUGHTER
00:45:48I'm going down to Dorset for a couple of weeks in the caravan.
00:45:52Will you come with me?
00:45:55Right.
00:45:57I'll see you then, Margaret.
00:46:07DOOR SLAMS SHUT
00:46:14That's no problem, Mr Whiffetty.
00:46:16I'll be back in a moment.
00:46:18I'll be back in a moment.
00:46:20I'll be back in a moment.
00:46:24I'm a relatively young man and I'll sit here as long as it takes
00:46:28till you tell me where it is you've hidden that young gentleman's mother.
00:46:32Is it cold in here? Mr McVitie...
00:46:34Look, I'd like to make two formal requests, please.
00:46:37For a phone call to my solicitor
00:46:39and a large tube of hydrocortisone.
00:46:54PHONE VIBRATES
00:47:24EERIE MUSIC
00:47:54EERIE MUSIC CONTINUES
00:48:11LAUGHTER
00:48:16EXPLOSION
00:48:18LAUGHTER
00:48:24EERIE MUSIC CONTINUES
00:48:27LAUGHTER
00:48:33EERIE MUSIC CONTINUES
00:48:51Ow! Bloody machines!
00:48:55LAUGHTER
00:49:06Oh, hello. Yes, my name's Margaret Meldrew.
00:49:09I had an appointment for this morning, which I had to cancel,
00:49:13although I could make it now, and I was just wondering if you could...
00:49:17Oh, no, no.
00:49:19No, 9.30 would be fine.
00:49:22Yes. Dr Clark.
00:49:25Thanks very much. Bye.
00:49:43Any other problems apart from that?
00:49:46No, just reading, really.
00:49:49I suppose.
00:49:51Threading a needle or whatever.
00:49:54Getting old, I suppose. Everything withering up.
00:49:57Oh, I wouldn't say that's the case at all, Mrs Meldrew.
00:50:01Now, then. Eyes wide open, if you will.
00:50:07And look to your left.
00:50:11And to your right.
00:50:14And up.
00:50:16And now look down.
00:50:37At least the police have got him now. I suppose that's something to be grateful for.
00:50:43How are you feeling, Mrs Meldrew?
00:50:45Are you still reeling from the shock of it all, I should think?
00:50:48Funny. I can see it now.
00:50:50Yeah, well, if you don't dwell on it, I'm sure your favourite time...
00:50:53No, no, no. No, I mean, I do see it.
00:50:56What Victor was always on about.
00:50:59And it's not a pretty sight.
00:51:03I wonder how he's getting on down there, with his ghosts and spirits.
00:51:08What do you think, Mr Swaney, about it all?
00:51:11Is this all there is?
00:51:13Oh, I don't know. I...
00:51:16You'd love to believe, wouldn't you, that those you cared about are still there somewhere?
00:51:21Keeping a benevolent eye on us, but...
00:51:26I think the best thing for me now is to keep on the go.
00:51:30You don't have a decent-sized ladder I could borrow at all.
00:51:33There are still some bits of paintwork upstairs I haven't quite managed to get to.
00:51:39BIRDS CHIRP
00:52:00Oh, God, is that the time? I've got to go!
00:52:05No, not just yet, Margaret.
00:52:08Margaret, don't go just...
00:52:10Margaret, don't go just...
00:52:23SIGHS
00:52:30BIRDS CHIRP
00:52:41WATER SPLASHES
00:52:45SEAGULLS SQUAWK
00:52:48SEAGULLS SQUAWK
00:53:07LAUGHTER
00:53:13LAUGHTER
00:53:18SEAGULLS SQUAWK
00:53:26LAUGHTER
00:53:33SEAGULLS SQUAWK
00:53:49LAUGHTER
00:54:07LAUGHTER
00:54:18Don't try anything on your own, sir!
00:54:20You'll catastrophise the bugger!
00:54:22Over here, guys!
00:54:29Don't worry, sir, we'll have this safe for you in no time at all!
00:54:36Heave!
00:54:39LAUGHTER
00:54:55There you go, then, sir. You all set?
00:54:57Thank you very much indeed, for everything.
00:55:00Oh, here are three per cent.
00:55:02It's not necessary, but cheers.
00:55:09CAR ENGINE REVS
00:55:35Margaret!
00:55:39Are you in?
00:55:45Mr Meldrew. Oh, God.
00:55:47What's the matter? What's wrong?
00:55:49We've had messages out for you on Radio 4 and all sorts.
00:55:52Mrs Meldrew, she'd just gone up a ladder outside here to do some painting.
00:55:56I said, did she want me to do it?
00:55:58She said if I could just stand and hold the bottom, she'd be fine.
00:56:01Well, she'd done the bathroom and she'd just got started on the bedroom and...
00:56:05Oh, I don't know. The first thing I knew, I somehow half-caught her.
00:56:08Her foot slipped.
00:56:11They're saying it was a heart attack.
00:56:35CAR ENGINE REVS
00:57:05MUSIC PLAYS
00:57:35MUSIC CONTINUES
00:58:05MUSIC CONTINUES
00:58:35MUSIC CONTINUES
00:58:59CAR ENGINE REVS
00:59:06CAR ENGINE STOPS
00:59:08Bloody machines!
00:59:10I've not had them all week and I'm afraid they're quantum malfunctions of this kind.
00:59:14There's a psychiatry problem somewhere. We're going to have to send them back.
00:59:18Actually, she's picking up rather well, Mr Meldrew.
00:59:22I'm not nearly as concerned as I was.
00:59:25After that very scary moment in your garden.
00:59:28I don't know if I told you,
00:59:30for a couple of seconds at 10.37 this morning, she was technically dead.
00:59:34We've got high-skilled paramedics to thank. She's still with us.
00:59:37Probably an idea to get some rest yourself now.
00:59:40We'll let you know as soon as there's any change.
00:59:51SNORING
01:00:05You all right, Mr Meldrew?
01:00:07Yes. It's just...
01:00:0910.37.
01:00:11Sorry?
01:00:13That's what it said in our clock in that caravan this morning.
01:00:16I'd just been dreaming that she was there.
01:00:18She said it was time for her to go and I said,
01:00:21no, don't go just yet.
01:00:26Oh, God, that is spooky.
01:00:28In the caravan?
01:00:31Oh, hello.
01:00:33Look who it is, Mr Meldrew.
01:00:35I wonder what she's doing here.
01:00:37I hope she's OK.
01:00:39Yes, right.
01:00:41Should I know her?
01:00:43It's Mrs Arkani, the lady you picked up the other day from the airport.
01:00:48I'm sorry. I've never seen that woman before in my life.
01:00:52Well, if that's not...
01:00:54Can I have a ticket?
01:00:56Mind your backs, please. We've got a collapse.
01:00:59Mind your backs, please. We've got a collapse nervous hysteric coming through.
01:01:02Just try and relax, Mr McVitie, while we get you down there.
01:01:06Stay where you're going. Don't let them out of your sight.
01:01:09This is some road to try and slip.
01:01:11The legend's not getting away.
01:01:19Unbelievable people on the roads today.
01:01:22Have you noticed they're going round a roundabout now?
01:01:25It's like Russian roulette.
01:01:27They don't stop anymore. They just shoot straight on as if they didn't have a minute to live.
01:01:30What did the doctor say?
01:01:32Does he think you need counselling for your stress?
01:01:35There was another thing. That locum, the one I saw first.
01:01:38Remember, the one that looks like Pee Wee Herman?
01:01:41Do you know what he'd actually put in my notes on that computer screen?
01:01:44He'd only mistyped analyst question mark as anal cyst.
01:01:50Honest to God truth, a C had crept in there somewhere.
01:01:54There I am, lying there with everything down, thinking this can't be right.
01:01:58But he'd about to stick this ruddy great chrome instrument...
01:02:06I'm sorry.
01:02:09Well, anyway, he gave me some more diazepam in the end.
01:02:15Three a day is required.
01:02:19How are you today?
01:02:21Oh, yes, surprisingly well.
01:02:23I went next door and had a coffee with Betty.
01:02:25Says he's getting on fine since, well, that other was sorted out.
01:02:29More or less back to normal.
01:02:31Apart from waking up screaming in the middle of the night.
01:02:34Of course, his right hand's still basically a claw, but they reckon that means he's off with time.
01:02:39Says he can just about grip a pencil with the help of an elastic band.
01:02:43Oh, and I think we found a buyer for the caravan.
01:02:47A woman who claimed to be the reincarnation of Richard Stilgove.
01:02:51It's not dead, is it?
01:02:53She made a good offer.
01:02:57And you're going to be all right, aren't you?
01:03:00When I thought those couple of seconds the other week would not...
01:03:04Of course I'm going to be all right.
01:03:06You don't think I'd leave you, do you, to fend for yourself?
01:03:09You wouldn't last five minutes.
01:03:13Stop worrying. You'll be the first to go, I promise.
01:03:22Well, I just...
01:03:29What do you mean?
01:03:31Sorry?
01:03:32What do you mean, I'll be the first to go?
01:03:35Well, it's always the man, isn't it? Pops his clogs before the woman.
01:03:39How many husbands round here do you know who've lost their wives?
01:03:43It's always the other way around.
01:03:46I suppose.
01:03:48Now, what shall we have for tea?
01:03:54I suppose you still can't face a sausage.
01:04:02Not with the lights on.