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00:00So I'm going to play a little bit of it, and I'm going to play a little bit of it for you.
00:02I'm going to play a little bit of it, and I'm going to play a little bit of it for you.
00:30So I'm going to play a little bit of it, and I'm going to play a little bit of it for you.
00:32So I'm going to play a little bit of it, and I'm going to play a little bit of it for you.
01:00So I'm going to play a little bit of it, and I'm going to play a little bit of it for you.
01:02So I'm going to play a little bit of it, and I'm going to play a little bit of it for you.
01:04So I'm going to play a little bit of it, and I'm going to play a little bit of it for you.
01:06So I'm going to play a little bit of it, and I'm going to play a little bit of it for you.
01:08So I'm going to play a little bit of it, and I'm going to play a little bit of it for you.
01:10So I'm going to play a little bit of it, and I'm going to play a little bit of it for you.
01:12So I'm going to play a little bit of it, and I'm going to play a little bit of it for you.
01:14So I'm going to play a little bit of it, and I'm going to play a little bit of it for you.
01:30Sir, I think you should come and take a look at this.
01:36Sir, it really is quite urgent.
01:38I want you, Loretta.
01:40I want your body next to mine.
01:42I want you like you were that Tuesday night.
01:44Kiss me.
01:46Honestly.
01:48Honestly, you haven't been off this machine in a month.
01:56Philip, I don't understand.
01:58It's simple, Loretta.
02:00This isn't real.
02:02It's an AR computer simulation game.
02:04I was supposed to hand you over to the cops and wind up with a goody-goody heroine.
02:06I've played it before.
02:08It's just that you drive me wild.
02:12You're the sexiest computer sprite I've ever seen.
02:14Oh, Philip.
02:16I don't care that you've killed three men.
02:18Five.
02:20Whatever. It's not your fault. It's the way you're programmed.
02:22So you take me for what I am?
02:24A psychopathic, schizophrenic, serial-killing femme fatale?
02:26Forgive and forget.
02:28That's what I say.
02:30Pull it up.
02:40Choose your character.
02:42Honestly, I just want to talk to him.
02:44Oh, anything.
02:46Sammy the Squib.
02:48Crack shot with Tommy gun. Engage.
02:50Oh, it's so frivolous.
02:52Mr. Lister, sir?
02:54Oh, I'm curious.
03:08Hi, Grunton.
03:10What are you doing here?
03:12Sir, I've just got the results of the chemical scan.
03:14I've discovered minute amounts of millennium oxide in the local vicinity.
03:16I couldn't be more pleased for you.
03:18See you in an hour.
03:20Sir, I believe we've wandered accidentally
03:22into a rogue-simulant hunting zone.
03:24That would explain the devastation on the derelicts
03:26where we picked up this very game.
03:28Philip, who is it?
03:30It's Sammy the Squib.
03:32Oh, good evening, miss.
03:34Don't kill me, Sammy. I'll do anything.
03:36Kill him.
03:38I'll come away with you, Sammy. It'll be just like the old days.
03:40I never stopped loving you, Sammy.
03:42Kiss me.
03:44You're trash, aren't you?
03:46I'm programmed to be trash.
03:48I can't resist it, Crichton.
03:50Get back in the car.
03:52I never fall for women who are any good for me, Crichton.
03:54It's either heartbreakers or moral garbage on legs.
03:56Sir, you have to turn off the AR console.
03:58We have to close down
04:00and continue on silent running
04:02in order to avoid detection.
04:04Ten minutes.
04:06Sir!
04:08Five minutes. I'll keep my hat on.
04:10Philip?
04:12I'll be back, sweet lips.
04:14Stay bad.
04:16Crichton, you're a total gooseberry.
04:18Next time I play on the AR machine,
04:20I'm going to give you some money to send you the pictures.
04:26At last, we have silent running.
04:28OK, long-range scanners are down.
04:30The only early warning we've got is you.
04:32Stay alert.
04:34OK, bud. I'll keep my nose peeled.
04:42You took your time.
04:44Where have you been?
04:46I was in the AR machine.
04:48Again?
04:50What do you mean, again?
04:52Everybody knows you only use the AR machine to have sex.
04:54That is not true.
04:56Yes, true.
04:58It's pathetic watching you grind away.
05:00Day after day,
05:02you're like a dog that's missing his master's leg.
05:04That groinal attachment's
05:06supposed to have a lifetime's guarantee.
05:08You've worn it out in nearly three weeks.
05:10As an outrageous,
05:12scandalous piece of libel.
05:14I don't just play the role-play games.
05:16What about the sporting simulations,
05:18like zero-G kickboxing
05:20and Wimbledon?
05:22You only play Wimbledon
05:24cos you're having it off with that jailbait ball girl.
05:26That is another total lie.
05:28She's not jailbait. She's 17.
05:30Lister, she's a computer sprite
05:32and surely that's the point.
05:34She's just a load of pixels.
05:36Yeah, but what pixels?
05:38What's all the hullabaloo?
05:40We've wandered into rogue simulant country.
05:42Biomechanical killers created for a war
05:44that never took place.
05:46Some of them escaped a dismantling program
05:48and now they prowl around deep space
05:50searching for a quarry worthy of their metal.
05:52I say we should abandon pursuit of Red Dwarf
05:54and flee from the zone.
05:56Give up the chase? You're kidding.
05:58Wait, my nose is getting something.
06:00Powering up.
06:02Scanners report a battle-class cruiser on intercept.
06:04It's rogue simulants, all right.
06:07Recommend immediate, total and unequivocal surrender.
06:10Sir, surrender is the worst thing we can do.
06:13They despise humans and all forms of humanoid life.
06:16They believe you to be the vermin of the universe, sir.
06:19Didn't even know they'd met him.
06:24Getting a message. Punching it up.
06:27State your species and purpose.
06:29One of us will have to speak to them.
06:31Who's the least human-looking?
06:33Listie, the mic's all yours.
06:36Wait a minute. I've got an idea.
06:38Stalemate static.
06:40Here, Triton midsection, cap, you too.
06:44Why do you delay?
06:46State your species and purpose.
06:48You have one minute.
06:50Listie, what the hell are you doing?
06:52Wait a minute. Nearly ready.
06:54OK, stand by to transmit.
06:56Incoming.
06:58I am Tarka Dahl,
07:00an ambassador of the great Thunderoos.
07:02The great Vindalooian Empire.
07:05Our scanners reported human life on your vessel.
07:08Is this so? Humans?
07:10The Vindalooian people despise all humans.
07:13They are the vermin of the universe.
07:15Is that not right, Bindi Bati?
07:17We get it. We get it.
07:19Stand, stand, stand, stand, stand.
07:23The Vindalooian Empire has pledged to exterminate them all.
07:28You will not rest until that task is completed.
07:31Er, Lister?
07:38Hi. How's it going, bud?
07:48A human and a humanoid.
07:51A hologrammatical human.
07:54A hologrammatical human.
07:56A mechanoid who is a slave to humans.
07:59I had hoped for so much more.
08:01I've no idea who you are,
08:03but boarding this vessel is an act of war,
08:05ergo we surrender.
08:10And as prisoners of war, I invoke the all-nations agreement,
08:13article number 39436175880932-B.
08:1839436175880932-B?
08:22All nations attending the conference are only allocated one car parking space.
08:27Is that entirely relevant, sir?
08:29I mean, here we are in mortal danger,
08:31and you're worried about the Chinese delegates bringing two cars.
08:36Can't you let just one go?
08:38I was talking about the right of POWs to non-violent constraint.
08:41Well, that's 75880932-C, sir.
08:44It's embarrassing as much as anything else.
08:47Here you are, totally humiliating me
08:49in front of this xenophobic, genocidal maniac.
08:51No offence.
08:54Primitive, you'll be no sport at all.
08:57I have no alternative.
09:09How long have we been out?
09:10According to the Navicon, three weeks.
09:12Strange. The drive interface has been upgraded.
09:15So have the engines.
09:17And if this readout's correct, we're armed. Laser cannons.
09:20They've totally upgraded the whole ship.
09:22They've even got rid of the squeak and the seat tilt control.
09:26We have made some improvements to your craft.
09:29Now at least you may prove to be of some small amusement.
09:32You have two Earth minutes before we attack.
09:35Let's get out of here.
09:36Wait. I know this game.
09:38It's called Cat and Mouse.
09:40And there's only one way to win.
09:42Don't be the mouse.
09:43What are you saying?
09:44I'm saying the mouse never wins.
09:46Not unless you believe those lying cartoons.
09:50We don't run. We strike.
09:52It's the last thing they'll be expecting.
09:54No, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to turn into ice-skating mongooses and dance the bolero.
10:02And your plan makes about as much sense.
10:04I say go with it.
10:06Agreed.
10:07You're gonna go with one of my plans?
10:10Are you nuts?
10:12What happens if we all get killed?
10:14I'll never hear the last of it.
10:21What are they doing?
10:23Power up the weapons.
10:24Nailed them!
10:25Fluke hit.
10:26Take them with us.
10:27Can't return fire.
10:28Hack into their navigation computer.
10:30Transmit the Armageddon virus.
10:33What is it?
10:34The Navicom. Something's wrong.
10:37See you in Silicon Hell.
10:43Shut down all network links. The Navicom's been infected with a virus.
10:46The Navicom's frozen us out. We're locked on this course.
10:49We can't run ahead at this speed. How long before we hit Trouble?
10:51Well, if you define Trouble as a rather large moon directly in our path, about 38 minutes.
10:55Sir, the only solution is for me to contract the virus myself,
10:58analyze its structure, and attempt to create a software antidote before it wipes out my core program.
11:03Do I have your permission to sacrifice myself, sirs?
11:05Do lemmings like cliffs? Granted.
11:09I'm gonna have to create a dove program.
11:11Dove program?
11:12A dove program spreads peace through the system, obliterating the viral cells as it goes.
11:18I have it.
11:20The virus is extremely complex.
11:23I will have to dedicate all my run time to its solution,
11:26shutting down all non-essential systems.
11:30Is there anything we can do? Can we help?
11:32Watch my dreams.
11:4123 minutes to impact. Any change?
11:43Getting worse. Weaker and weaker.
11:46Look, sooner or later we're gonna have to face the fact that we're not all gonna get out of this in one piece.
11:50Or if we are, it's gonna be one big flat piece.
11:53And it's time we decided who's gonna take the one-man escape pod.
11:57How?
11:58Well, if you'll just bear with me.
11:59I think I've devised a fair and equitable system of choosing who should survive.
12:04It's based on age, rank, seniority, usefulness.
12:09To cut a long story short, it's me.
12:11I was as stunned as you are, which is why I demanded a recount.
12:15But blow me, if it didn't come out as me again.
12:18Keys?
12:19Rimmer, the escape pod is not an option.
12:21Why not?
12:22It escaped last Thursday.
12:26I was having a few beers. I couldn't be bothered moving, so I used the release mechanism of the bottle opener.
12:33That's it, then. We're finished.
12:34Wait. We're getting something.
12:42What is this?
12:45I think we've tapped directly into whatever passes for Crichton's subconscious.
12:50Why is he a sheriff in some old western?
12:55It must be how his core programme's coping with the battle against the virus.
12:58For whatever reason, it's converted the struggle into some kind of dream.
13:02Well, well, well, sheriff.
13:04Fancy seeing a man of your sober disposition in a low-down drinking establishment.
13:11Now, now, boys, I don't want any trouble. I'm just doing my rounds.
13:21You shouldn't ought to have done that, Jack.
13:23I'm sorry, sir.
13:24I'm sorry, sir.
13:25I'm sorry, sir.
13:26I'm sorry, sir.
13:27I'm sorry, sir.
13:28I'm sorry, sir.
13:29I'm sorry, sir.
13:30I'm sorry, sir.
13:31You shouldn't ought to have done that, Jimmy.
13:37Why don't you try it, sheriff?
13:39They say you used to be faster than a toilet stop in rattlesnake country.
13:45Sorry I tripped over your boot there, Mr. Jimmy, sir.
13:48Didn't mean any harm by it.
13:51Give me two fingers of your best sipping liquor, Miss Lola.
13:54And make it the smooth stuff, the stuff where you get your eyesight back after two days.
13:58Guaranteed.
14:00The Apocalypse Boys is here.
14:04And he's asking for you, sheriff.
14:07I'll be right out.
14:20Oh, I don't believe I've had the pleasure, sirs.
14:27Name's Death.
14:29These here are my brothers.
14:31Brother War.
14:34Brother Famine.
14:37Brother Pestilence.
14:40Well, you seem like a nice, neighborly bunch of boys.
14:42How can I be of service?
14:51We want your sorry ass out of here.
14:54You got one hour.
15:00He's losing the battle.
15:02Look at his life signs. They're barely registering.
15:04Isn't there some way we can get in there and help him?
15:06Somehow turn ourselves into tiny electronic people and get into his dream?
15:10Isn't there some sort of gizmo lying around someplace that can do that?
15:14And if not, why not?
15:17Look, I think we've all got something to bring to this discussion.
15:19But I think from now on, the thing you should be concerned about
15:21is whether or not you can get in there and help him.
15:23And if not, why not?
15:25Look, I think we've all got something to bring to this discussion.
15:27But I think from now on, the thing you should be concerned about
15:29is silence.
15:31No, no, no.
15:35I think he's got something.
15:37Twice in one lifetime?
15:39When you're hot, you're hot.
15:42If we link up the artificial reality console to Crichton's mind,
15:46we should be able to project directly into his dream state
15:49like it was a normal computer game.
15:51What did I tell you? We don't even have to leave the room.
15:53What about me?
15:54We'll shut down all extraneous systems and power up your hard drive.
15:57Come on, guys, let's get these wagons rolling.
16:02There you go.
16:03I've loaded in the characters from an AR western game.
16:06Choose a player from one to three.
16:08Two!
16:09There you go, you're the Riviera Kid.
16:10Special skills, ace gunslinger.
16:13Rimsky?
16:14Uno.
16:16One.
16:17Dangerous Dan McGrew.
16:19Special skills, bare-fist fighting.
16:24Which leaves me with Brett Riverbolt.
16:28Nice man.
16:29And we definitely can't get hurt.
16:31No, it's just like a normal computer game.
16:33You can get out at any time.
16:35There's a button on the inside of your glove.
16:37When you want to get out, just clap.
16:41OK, Riviera.
16:42OK, Dangerous.
16:44Let's mosey on into town.
16:54Hey!
16:58Hey!
17:02Hey!
17:15I've seen westerns.
17:17I know how to speak cowboy.
17:18Lead the talking to me.
17:24Dry white wine and Perrier, please.
17:27And what about you two chaps?
17:30Remember, what westerns have you seen?
17:32Butcher Carlton and the Yuppie Kid.
17:34Leave this to me.
17:36This sounds like one for...
17:38The Riviera Kid.
17:42Eh, senorita.
17:44Tres tequilas, por favor.
17:46What?
17:47He means three shots of Galpin whiskey, ma'am.
17:50Si.
17:54Very smooth.
18:03I was expecting something with a little more kick to it.
18:07I don't suppose you've got any ginger ale mixers?
18:10I'll take that as a no, then.
18:12I'll have it neat.
18:25There.
18:33A man beans up in the hat of Bear Strangler McGee
18:37is either mighty brave or mighty stupid.
18:41Which are you, boy?
18:43Sorry, what were the choices again?
18:45You'll have to forgive our friend.
18:47He's a couple of gunmen short of a posse.
18:51That pays for the hat.
18:53Now, what about the insult?
18:55Okay, you're a fat bearded git with breath of the possible.
18:58Take the lock, man.
19:00You know what's wrong with you?
19:02Relax. You said yourself, Lister, no one can hurt us.
19:05Besides, you're forgetting.
19:07I'm Dangerous Dan McGrew,
19:09bare-fist fighter extraordinaire.
19:16Miss Lola, all the valuables are in this here box.
19:19You're gonna have it all for one bottle of mind-rotter.
19:22You're shooting irons?
19:24No use to me. I got the shake so bad,
19:26I'm like a couple of porcupines on their wedding night.
19:29Carrots?
19:30I'm throwing in my mule dignity.
19:32Mr. Sad Gittle, what?
19:37You're frightening us, man.
19:39Sorry, friend, I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
19:42Don't you know who we are? Why are you here?
19:45You're fighting an electronic virus.
19:47You're trying to create a Dove program,
19:49some kind of software antidote to wipe it out.
19:52I'll drink to that.
19:54Listen to him, Goochhead. The virus is winning.
19:56You gotta get your head together and start fighting it.
19:59Oh!
20:01Want a drink, Sheriff? Huh?
20:03Why don't you come and take one?
20:05Now, now, Jimmy, there's no need to be going making me look foolish.
20:08Oh, come on, Sheriff, jump!
20:10Well, you can get higher than that.
20:12Leave him alone!
20:14Just having a little fun, Mr. Swanky Pants.
20:18My name's Brett Riverbolt.
20:20Knife man.
20:22Let's see how good you are.
20:30Son of a...
20:39Frank? Luke?
20:41Line his lungs with lead.
20:44Who in the heck are you?
20:46They call me the Kid.
20:48The Riviera Kid.
20:50Well, Riviera Kid,
20:52let's see if your shooting's as fancy as your dancing.
21:07He shot your damn bullets out of the air.
21:11Well, it's been mighty dandy meeting you boys,
21:13but if I'm not out of here by sunup,
21:16the buzzards will be fighting the lizards for mcgizzards.
21:19You leave son with Dad, stop him.
21:36Follow them to check it.
21:40Marvellous.
21:42Hey, buddy! Hold it!
21:44You've got to stay.
21:46This is a job for the Riviera Kid.
21:59But, Boris, you don't understand. I've got to leave.
22:01Look, it's ten to death.
22:03OK, we've got ten minutes to sober him up and get him in shape.
22:06Come on.
22:11Sir, I just can't eat any more raw coffee.
22:14Two more bowls.
22:16But, sir, I am sober, honest.
22:18OK, who are you and why are you here?
22:21I'm some kind of robot who's fighting this virus,
22:24and none of this exists.
22:26It's all in a fever, except for you guys,
22:28who really do exist, only you're not really here.
22:30You're really on some spaceship in the future.
22:33Hell, if that's got to make sense, I don't want to be sober.
22:36Got his guns back.
22:38Look at the handles.
22:40They've got little doves carved on them.
22:42And check this.
22:44There's no place for the bullets to go.
22:46This is it, Crichton. The answer's in these guns somehow.
22:49Doves. Dove programme.
22:52I don't know. I really don't know.
22:56Wait. Something's coming back now.
22:58You, sir.
23:00Whenever I look at you, I get an image of curry
23:03and early-morning breath that can cut through bank vaults.
23:06Oh, sir. There's something familiar about you, too.
23:09I get a name.
23:11Smee.
23:13Smee.
23:15Smeghead? That's it.
23:17He remembers me.
23:19The guns, Crichton. Do the guns mean anything to you?
23:22Something. Yes, they mean something.
23:24Oh, if only I had more time.
23:26Psst. Company.
23:36Let's go.
23:54Got yourself a little help there, Sheriff.
23:56Now I remember you.
23:58You're a computer virus, travelling from machine to machine,
24:01overriding the core programme.
24:03Have infection, we'll travel.
24:05Let's see if we can't tip the balance a little here.
24:15What is he doing?
24:18He's stalling.
24:20He's spotted us for what we are.
24:22A bunch of mean, macho, badass desperados
24:26who are going to kick his bony butt clean across the Bacos.
24:30Enjoy the show.
24:36Who's got the guts to go with me one-on-one,
24:39hand-to-hand, mano-a-mano?
24:44Cover him.
24:49Damn, I lost my special skills.
25:06Remit, the virus has spread to the AR unit.
25:09We've lost our special skills.
25:13Ah, Mr. Walser.
25:15It would appear that due to circumstances completely beyond my control,
25:18there's been a bit of a cock-up in the bravado department.
25:24I may indeed have come across as being more brave than, in fact, I am.
25:28Exit. Exit.
25:31Exit. Exit.
25:45The seal's in.
25:47Get the helmets off.
25:51It won't move.
25:54Blast the back.
26:00I got one of the gloves off.
26:05And I'm full of two.
26:07Oh, brilliant. Now you're paralysed completely.
26:09Down your left-hand side.
26:11I can't believe it. There's a widows.
26:14He's full of widows.
26:16I was just coming up.
26:19We're going to cut you up so small the worms won't even have to chew.
26:23You can't frighten me. I'm a coward. I'm always scared.
26:26Mister!
26:29What now?
26:31It's down to Crichton.
26:33Well, Sheriff, now it's just little old you.
26:37I'm not afraid, Mr. Detser.
26:39I believe my friends have bought me enough time
26:41to get me out of here.
26:43I'm not afraid.
26:45I'm not afraid, Mr. Detser.
26:47I believe my friends have bought me enough time
26:49to complete the antidote programme.
26:51Now, if you'll forgive the rather confrontational imperative...
26:54Go for your guns, you scum-sucking mollusks.
27:10I did it. I created an antidote.
27:13It's time to impact. Come on!
27:27How long will it take?
27:29Just a few seconds. How long to impact?
27:31Just a few seconds.
27:33We're loading it up. It's gone in the never count.
27:35Eight seconds. Seven. Nearly there.
27:37Five, four, three, two...
27:40We're not going to make it!
27:42We're not going to make it!
28:12We're not going to make it!
28:42We're not going to make it!