Red Dwarf S06 E02 - Legion
Transcript
00:3010 o'clock changeover. Anything to report?
00:43We're still lagging behind Red Dwarf, sir. Almost 24 hours behind now. Other than that,
00:48it's been a moderately quiet shift, except for one small shock a couple of hours ago
00:52when we noticed an alien invasion fleet off the starboard bow. Thankfully, it turned out
00:57to be one of Mr. Lister's old sneezes that had congealed on the radar screen.
01:02How are we fuel-wise?
01:03Unchanged for today, sir. However, the supply situation grows increasingly bleak. We've
01:08recycled the water so often it's beginning to taste like Dutch lager.
01:11We're okay for food, though, aren't we?
01:15Confidentially, sir, no. We've no meat, no pulse, and hardly any grain. Worse still, the
01:20only licorice allsorts left are those only little black twisty ones that everybody hates.
01:25If that weren't bad enough, space weevils have eaten the last of the corn supply.
01:29So what's under the grill?
01:31Space weevil.
01:37You can't serve space weevil, Crichton. I mean, not even Lister with his single remaining
01:41tastebud will knowingly sit down and eat insectoid vermin. Well, let's face it, with him, it's
01:46practically cannibalism.
01:47It's incredibly nutritious, sir. After all, it is corn-fed.
01:51We'll never get him to eat it.
01:54Trust me, sir, they say the first bite is with the eye. It's all down to presentation.
02:01Et voila!
02:04Changeover. Anything new?
02:06Nothing much. Electrical storm, alien war fleet, false alarm. Usual stuff.
02:11Look at the state of this place. Why can't you ever clean up before we swap over?
02:17What the hell is all this down the back of my chair? Peanuts?
02:21No, I've been trimming my Verrucas.
02:26You have personal habits that'll make a monkey blush.
02:30You really think I'm psychotically disgusting, don't you? They're peanuts, OK?
02:34Real peanuts?
02:35Yeah.
02:36Where'd you get them?
02:37Dad left a couple of months back. Found them in the dead captain's old donkey jacket.
02:42Don't look at me like that. You enjoyed that mint Imperial, didn't you?
02:45And where'd you get that?
02:46He was sucking that when he got shot.
02:50What surprise is yours open with a car jack?
02:53You think I'll buy anything you say, don't you?
02:57What's wrong, buddy? Now get out of here.
03:00I've got to keep my eyes skinned for that asteroid shaped like a dancing moose you told me about yesterday.
03:07Hi, honey, I'm home.
03:09Supper, sir. And tonight's movie. I'm sorry, sir, it is another Doug McClure. Please, don't hit me.
03:18What's this, sir?
03:22Raw carrots.
03:26You know how I feel about fresh vegetables.
03:30They're for health psychos, vitamin freaks, people who exercise.
03:35I'm sorry, sir.
03:41Is everything OK, sir?
03:43It's not. Some smugness of you got a good memory quiz.
03:48But that was you, sir, last week, don't you remember?
03:53Was it?
03:55Look, nobody else spells Thursday with an F.
03:59I can't help it. I went to art college.
04:02How's supper, Listy?
04:04It's delicious. Didn't have any crunchy king prawn left.
04:08I hate to go all technical on you, but all hands on deck, swirly thing alert.
04:15Where?
04:17It's not on the radar yet, but I can smell it. Nothing here.
04:20Nothing on long range. Sir, is it possible you could have made a miss smelling?
04:26Listen, butter pat head.
04:29My nostril hairs are vibrating faster than the springs on a Spaniard's honeymoon bed.
04:34I'm telling you, there's something out there.
04:36Don't get your double helix in a strip. No-one's questioning your nasal integrity.
04:42Go to blue alert.
04:43What for? There's no-one to alert. We're all here.
04:47I would just feel more comfortable if I know that we're all on our toes,
04:50cos everyone's aware it's a blue alert situation.
04:52We all are on our toes.
04:54May I remind you of Space Corps Directive 34124?
04:5834124. No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity.
05:07Damn you both, all the way to Hades. I want to go to blue alert.
05:10OK, OK.
05:16Thank you. Bit of professionalism.
05:18Wait, I've got something. I'm punching it out.
05:23It's too small for a vessel. Maybe some kind of missile.
05:26It's impossible to tell at this range.
05:28Whatever it is, they clearly have a technology way in advance of our own.
05:31So does the Albanian state washing machine company.
05:35Step up to red alert.
05:36Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.
05:44There's always some excuse, isn't there?
05:46Range 15,000, G-gooks and closing.
05:49Direct collision course. Suggest evasive action.
05:51Engaging reheat.
05:56It's still with us. Some kind of heat seeker. We can't outrun it.
05:59That's it. We're deader than tank tops.
06:03Suggestions?
06:04Sir, may I recommend I load myself into the reverse thrust tubes
06:08and you use my body as decoy fodder?
06:11This will, of course, leave me splattered across deep space
06:13and unable to complete today's laundry, for which I apologize in advance.
06:18Brighton, stop your blathering and get in the damn tube.
06:21Brighton, sit down. I'm not doing me own smeggin' ironing.
06:27Look, maybe we can reason with it.
06:29Open communication channel, sister.
06:31Broadcast on all known frequencies and in all known languages, including Welsh.
06:40This is acting senior officer Arnold J. Rimmer
06:43of the Jupiter Mining Corporation transport vehicle Starbug.
06:47Now hear this, because it's only coming once.
06:51We surrender totally without condition. Thank you very much.
06:54Oh, additional, sorry to take up your valuable time.
06:57Sorry. Thank you. Sorry. Bye. Bye. Sorry.
07:01Rimmer, you've got a longer yellow streak than a stampede of diuretic camels.
07:07Know this about me. Like General George S. Patton, I believe in reincarnation.
07:12It is my firm conviction that in all my previous lives I've been a soldier.
07:17A bold warrior soul, who tragically in this incarnation
07:21has been given the body of an abject coward.
07:25So excuse me, gentlemen, while I have a humiliating panic attack under the scanner table.
07:32Here he comes.
07:335G gooks to impact. Hand on to your wage packets.
07:43Controls are down. What on Io is that?
07:47Some kind of suction beam. We're being dragged down.
07:49Fire up the retros. The auxiliary power. The joystick.
07:55The entire panel's deader than A-line flares with pockets in the knees.
08:01I've located the beam's source. I'm punching it up.
08:05So what have we got?
08:19Well, it seems we were snared by some kind of malfunctioning guidance beam
08:23designed to help docking supply ships.
08:26We've shut it down and we're free to leave.
08:28Anyone around?
08:29No life signs. Nothing.
08:30The ident computer is stubborn as a mule.
08:32All I could get from its pesky little ROM was something about classified military research.
08:36Wouldn't give me any details.
08:37But listen to some of the physicists involved.
08:39Heidegger, Davro, Holder, Quayle.
08:42Some of the most brilliant minds of the 23rd century.
08:44Whatever they were cooking up here, it must have been something pretty special.
08:48Anything we can salvage?
08:49There must be something we can swipe.
08:51Well, gentlemen, our strategy is clear.
08:53Let's tool up and go shopping.
09:02What? Anything?
09:03I'm not sure.
09:05Something.
09:06It's almost a fun nasal inspection.
09:17Strange. A life reading.
09:19Why didn't it register before?
09:23Welcome, my friends.
09:24It has been many centuries since I last had visitors.
09:28You, of course, are Criton.
09:31And you are Rimmer, the hologram.
09:34May I?
09:38Now then.
09:40Yes, of course.
09:44Primitive.
09:48So basic.
09:50You'd better have a mighty damn fine explanation for what you've just done, Miladio.
09:56I merely converted your projection unit from soft light to hard light.
10:00Hard light?
10:04I've got a body?
10:06I can touch?
10:08Feel?
10:10I can feel?
10:12I can touch?
10:14I can feel?
10:16I can touch?
10:18Feel?
10:19A puncture repair kit on standby, sir.
10:22But how?
10:23I created the hard light drive many years ago.
10:27My mind is not all that it once was.
10:31You, my friend, are Lister.
10:33How come you know who we all are?
10:35You are in pain. Here.
10:37No, just a bit of bangle or belly.
10:39No, it is something more serious.
10:42May I?
10:43Okay.
10:48Shhh.
10:56Your appendix.
10:58As I thought, you are on the verge of peritonitis.
11:03Cheers, man.
11:06And you are the cat.
11:08You come anywhere near me, buddy, you'll be wearing them bowels as a bobble hat.
11:12You're all tired and in need of nourishment.
11:15Come, let us dine.
11:17What is your name?
11:19Call me Legion.
11:23Please, make yourselves comfortable.
11:25Legion, these statues, you sculpted them yourself?
11:28Years ago. I was a different person then.
11:31According to my connoisseur chip, they fulfill all ten requirements for being masterpieces.
11:36You have a connoisseur chip?
11:38Just because I look like Herman Munster's stuntman doesn't mean to say I can't appreciate art, sir.
11:44I shall return with the feast.
11:46Can I eat? I mean, in this body, is it possible?
11:48Mr. Rimmer, in a hard, light body, you can do anything a human can do,
11:52with the added bonus that you are practically indestructible.
11:55I can't be hurt?
11:56Your pleasure and pain responses remain the same, but you cannot come to harm.
12:00Excuse me.
12:03His cellular structure is unique.
12:05Genetic strands I've never seen before.
12:07Part living tissue, part mechanical.
12:09We've got to persuade him to come with us.
12:11He'd get us back to Earth in weeks.
12:13And what a team we'd make.
12:14Legion with his scientific genius, intellect, culture and sophistication,
12:18and us with...
12:21With our red alert bulb.
12:24Let's flag down a black cabin, head for real street here.
12:27This Johnny won't come with us.
12:29He'd never fit in.
12:31Can you see him joining in on our late night sessions of pin the pointy stick on the weather gale?
12:36True, but once he's signed up and we're off in the big black, it'll be too late for him to change his mind.
12:40All we have to do is create the facade that we're not the uncouth morons you are.
12:48Here is the feast.
12:49It is a traditional 24th century Mimosian banquet.
12:52How absolutely divine, Legion.
12:55Although I must say, our souls are all engorged,
12:58fit to burst with the feast of art laid out on your walls.
13:01I wasn't aware you had an interest in art, Mr. Rimmer.
13:04Many is the night we while away the wee hours contemplating a Caravaggio,
13:08discussing its shape, themes and form.
13:11The pointy stick game doesn't get a look in anymore.
13:15Now, this three-dimensional sculpture in particular is quite exquisite.
13:19Its simplicity, its bold, stark lines.
13:22Pray, what do you call it?
13:23The light switch.
13:25The light switch?
13:26Yes.
13:28I couldn't buy it then.
13:29Not really.
13:31I needed to turn the lights on and off.
13:34It's a pity, because if it wasn't a light switch,
13:36in many ways it could be considered a masterpiece.
13:40Crichton, please join us.
13:41Mimosian cuisine is quite acceptable for mechanoids.
13:45Indeed.
13:46It has long been a dream of mine to sample its unique flavors.
13:49Let the meal begin.
13:54I'm sorry, of course.
13:56Not all of you can use Mimosian antimatter chopsticks.
14:00I am fully versed, Legion.
14:02For my cooking duties,
14:03I am programmed to be proficient in all known off-world eating techniques,
14:07including Jovian boogle hoops
14:09and the often lethal Mercurian boomerang spoon.
14:13But the others?
14:15Antimatter chopsticks.
14:18We use them all the time.
14:20Can't even remember what a fork looks like.
14:22Don't let a few congealed custard stains down Lister's long johns
14:25delude you into thinking we're not sophisticated.
14:33The trick is, of course, to never, ever, under any circumstances,
14:37to allow live sticks to touch.
14:40But, of course, we all know that.
14:56Well, bon appétit.
14:58Tuck in, Lister.
14:59Well, bon appétit. Tuck in, Lister.
15:02No, not for you, man.
15:04Wouldn't hear of it.
15:24Sir, you're creating a reverse field.
15:26Try and keep the electron flow in the same direction.
15:29How'd you land the damn stuff?
15:31Simply invert the ionic phase in the down pulse of the field margin.
15:36I was with you all the way up to simply.
15:38Excellent.
15:48Sir, the glass is fixed to the table.
15:50It's Mimosian telekinetic wine.
15:52So how'd you drink it?
15:54You simply will the liquid into your mouth,
15:56and then you telepathically decide on its flavour.
15:59Thusly.
16:04Ah, delicious.
16:09Shit!
16:10Help me!
16:17That's wine!
16:19I can't help it, but somehow we've crossed wavelengths.
16:22It feels like you're pulling my teeth out.
16:24Keep swallowing it!
16:25I have, three times!
16:31My friends, I sense you are trying to impress me.
16:33There really is no need.
16:35Legion, may I be frank?
16:37It's not often we meet an individual who we feel could improve
16:41our already pretty damn fine top-notch team.
16:44But in you, we feel we have.
16:46In all our travels, we've met precisely 31 individuals, three one.
16:51And we've never felt moved to invite a single one to join our crew.
16:55True, most of them wanted in some way to suck out our brains.
17:00Or erase us from history altogether.
17:03Nevertheless, they still weren't what we would consider the right stuff.
17:08We feel that you are different.
17:10We feel that you, like us, have the courage and the dignity it takes
17:14to make it as a dwarfer.
17:17Sir, don't cross the chopsticks!
17:22Oh!
17:28Mr. Rimmer, I am moved by the eloquence of your invitation,
17:31but it is quite impossible for me to leave the confines of the Institute.
17:36It was Lister, wasn't it? He put you off.
17:39Is there nothing we can do to change your mind?
17:42Absolutely.
17:43Then I'm afraid we must bid you farewell.
17:45We have a long journey ahead of us.
17:47Nonsense! You have no journey at all, my friends.
17:50I insist you stay here with me.
17:52You will be my honoured guests.
17:54From now until the day you die.
17:5932.
18:03This will be your cell, Dave.
18:04My cell?
18:06You really are a nutter, aren't you?
18:11Sugarpuff sandwiches, me favourite.
18:14I think you will find nothing here that isn't to your liking.
18:17The entire room is stocked for your own unique personal tastes and requirements.
18:21Two dozen eight-packs and a spare pair of sneakers in the icebox.
18:25Faultless, not an inch wasted.
18:27All your favourite music, all your favourite movies.
18:30Absolutely no Doug McClure.
18:34You will want for nothing.
18:35Nothing?
18:36What about company? What about people?
18:39There is a cyber park in the complex.
18:41You may go to any time period of your choosing
18:43and indulge any fantasy you wish with any persons you desire.
18:47And that's in some way supposed to make me happy?
18:51Sorry, will you not buy me one more time?
18:54You will meet your companions in the morning.
18:58No, you must excuse me.
19:00They are falling asleep.
19:03I must go.
19:10Amazing, doesn't even need tuning.
19:14Good morning, sir.
19:15What does he want from us?
19:17Why is he so obsessed with fulfilling our every desire?
19:20We're all equally baffled, sir.
19:22Was your room, like everyone else's, perfect in every detail?
19:25Impeccable.
19:26Right down to the overstarched pyjamas and nocturnal boxing gloves.
19:30What about you?
19:31Filthy walls, mud-streaked floors, mop and bucket.
19:35I was in hog's heaven, sir.
19:38When I finally get round to writing my good side,
19:41When I finally get round to writing my good psycho guide,
19:43this place is going to get raves.
19:45Accommodation, excellent. Food, first class.
19:48Resident nutter, courteous and considerate.
19:50Psycho rating's got to be four and a half chainsaws.
19:54Sirs, we must not be seduced by all this fine living.
19:57However munificent our captor, we are still prisoners.
20:00And with every second that passes, we lose yet more ground on Red Dwarf.
20:04You're right, crite. Caviar nibbling.
20:07Books, Viz.
20:09Let's talk about how to get out of this hellhole.
20:11What do we know about this Johnny?
20:13And why is he so keen on keeping us happy?
20:15Is it possible that our well-being is in some way linked to his own?
20:18What, you mean like he's feeding off our emotions?
20:20Remember when we arrived, these scans recorded no life signs.
20:24Is it possible that our very presence here is in some way inadvertently awoken him?
20:29Wait a minute.
20:30I think I've got a way of getting out of here.
20:32Has anyone ever seen Revenge of the Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls?
20:37I think that one slipped us by, sir.
20:39Well, has this one seen, with a good-looking unconventional female journalist
20:43who wore glasses and a tight sweater,
20:45was trapped deep in the bosom of the Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls' lair,
20:49and she came up with this truly award-winning escape plan?
20:56Ah, Legion.
20:57We have considered our position
20:59and have decided our best option is to make a new life here with you.
21:03You truly believed I would be deceived by that schlock plan
21:07from Revenge of the Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls?
21:16I just want you to be happy.
21:24Now look what you made me do.
21:27What the hell are you, buddy?
21:29Crichton knows.
21:30I do?
21:31You suspect the truth.
21:33You mean you are a gestalt entity?
21:35Not a single creature, but a combination of individuals melded together to form one?
21:39My name is Legion, for we are many.
21:43What? You're us?
21:45All four of us?
21:47Our combined minds and personalities blended together?
21:50Oh, but much more than that.
21:53Oh, but much more than that.
21:55Exponentially more.
21:57The whole becomes far greater than the sum of its parts.
22:00So we can't leave because you're us?
22:02You're created from us?
22:04If we leave, you cease to be.
22:06Without you, my friends, I am quite literally nothing.
22:10So if he's us, he can't hurt us, right?
22:18Wrong.
22:19But this is insane.
22:20Hurting us is hurting yourself.
22:21Our pain is your pain.
22:23Crichton, you forget.
22:24Not only do I possess your combined intellects and memories,
22:27I also share the sum of your malice and rage and anger, magnified many times.
22:33I'm capable of quite insanely irrational behavior.
22:37Watch.
22:42The next hint of insurrection, and the scalpel ends up here.
22:46Legion, that kind of tough talk doesn't scare us.
22:49Yes, it does.
22:51But what about the sculptures and the masterpieces and the technology?
22:55Where does that come from?
22:56My first incarnation.
22:58I was host to the five most brilliant minds of their generation.
23:01They were experimenting in collective intelligence.
23:04I was the product of that research.
23:06Heidegger, Quail and the others, the composite of their genus?
23:09Your mind must have been extraordinary.
23:12But all too soon, old age began to kill them.
23:15And as each one died, I became less.
23:18Until I was nothing, just a mindless essence
23:21swirling around the remnants of my achievements, waiting to exist again.
23:27There's just one thing that still baffles me.
23:30What's that?
23:31Everything.
23:32Sir, permission to test a supposition.
23:35Granted.
23:36Trust me, sir.
23:42What's going down here?
23:43The Gestapo powers our consciousness in order to exist.
23:46Therefore, as each of us becomes unconscious, his power diminishes.
23:49Permission to lay you out, sir.
23:51Do what you gotta, but don't mess up my hair.
23:53Thank you.
23:56I'm frightened.
23:57There has to be a more effective escape plan than this.
24:00Come back. You're just delaying the inevitable.
24:02I can't help it. I'm allergic to being hit.
24:03Won't feel a thing.
24:04I'll render you unconscious using the Ionian Nerve Grip.
24:09That's not an Ionian Nerve Grip.
24:11That's smashing me over the head with a vase.
24:13There's no such thing as an Ionian Nerve Grip.
24:15Stand still while I hit you.
24:19Your hard light drive's tougher than vindalooed mutton.
24:23This'll do the trick.
24:25You can't be serious.
24:28Harder! Harder! Harder!
24:32Stop! Stop! Stop!
24:33For God's sake, if you want a job doing properly, do it yourself.
24:40Stop!
24:42Stop!
24:43I'm frightened.
24:44Clearly this is not working.
24:45I'm a hard light hologram, and as such, un-knockoutable.
24:48I think you're right, sir.
24:50I'm frightened.
24:51Sorry, sir. I just thought if I took you unawares...
24:53I'm frightened.
24:54I'm trying to think, you rubber-headed eunuch.
24:58Right. Got it.
25:00Turn off my light, B.
25:01I can't, sir. I can't penetrate hard light.
25:03You'll have to extract it yourself.
25:09Now we are even.
25:10I am merely you, stalemate.
25:12Not so.
25:13Since the only ingredients in your psyche are mine, you are now incapable of malice.
25:17And because a human life takes precedent over the life of any mechanical,
25:21you are in fact compelled to assist our safe passage to Starbug.
25:25As long as the others remain unconscious, your logic is impeccable.
25:34You take the cat, I'll take Mr. Lister.
25:37In many ways, I am relieved to have shared their psyches, their neuroses, their strange drives.
25:42Returning to a limbo state of non-existence seems like promotion.
25:45One last thing.
25:46In your original incarnation, when you were composed of all those great minds,
25:50did you ever develop anything which might assist our pursuit of Red Dwarf?
26:00Here we go.
26:01Initiating ignition sequence.
26:03Has this gone away?
26:04I see no reason why not, sir.
26:06All tests bear out it is indeed a fully functional star drive.
26:10If we've linked it correctly to the bug's existing engines,
26:13we'll be able to catch up with Red Dwarf in a matter of nanoseconds.
26:16Yeah, but it's bound to go wrong, isn't it?
26:18Sir?
26:19It always does for us, every time.
26:21He's right.
26:22There isn't a dog in hell's chance this star drive is actually gonna work.
26:25Sirs, haven't we learned over the past two days that if we all pull together,
26:29we can become greater than the sum of our parts?
26:32That if we are of one mind and one intent,
26:34there are no boundaries to what we can achieve.
26:36This star drive is going to work.
26:39Do we believe?
26:41We believe.
26:42Do we believe?
26:45We believe.
27:04Well, we know what they said!
27:17What's that?
27:18It does work!
27:19It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere, I'm all alone, more or less.
27:29Let me fly far away from here
27:32Fun, fun, fun
27:35In the sun, sun, sun
27:39I walk too long, shipwrecks and comatose
27:42Drinking fresh mango juice
27:46Goldfish shows nibbling at my toes
27:49Fun, fun, fun
27:52In the sun, sun, sun
27:56Fun, fun, fun
27:59In the sun, sun, sun
28:26www.circlelineartschool.com