• 6 months ago
Transcript
00:30Mmm! Smells good, Crichton.
00:40What is it?
00:41Something I caught scuttling round the cargo bay, sir.
00:44Managed to land a monkey wrench on it and the rest is history.
00:47A scuttling thing a la monkey wrench?
00:49Crichton, nothing I'm prepared to eat is ever scuttled.
00:52This mountain's a scuttle-free zone.
00:54It does smell good, though. What is it?
00:56The only clue I'm prepared to give, sir, is we're having it with green wine.
01:00A space weevil, isn't it?
01:02It is not, no, sir.
01:03Look, the rule is simple.
01:05I will not eat any animal that's ever been a cartoon.
01:08Weevils, rabbits, dogs, cats, mice, roadrunners, all out.
01:13I'm not a cartoonivore.
01:15Ta-da!
01:17Lobster?
01:18Poached in a delicate cream sauce, sir.
01:20Little so-and-so escaped in the hold.
01:22Where did you get a live lobster?
01:24It's a centauri. They had four in their stasis block.
01:28You've really gone to a lot of trouble over this, haven't you?
01:31You don't know what day it is, do you, sir?
01:33Day? Someone's birthday?
01:34No.
01:35Christmas? Easter?
01:36No.
01:37National have-something-that-scuttles-for-dinner-day?
01:38No.
01:39Well, what then?
01:40Today is the day that you rescued me from the Nova 5.
01:43I thought we should have a surprise celebration.
01:45I had no idea. Why didn't you say?
01:47If you'd said, it wouldn't have been much of a surprise, right?
01:50Precisely, sir.
01:51It was about as unsurprising as an episode of Tales of the Unexpected.
01:56The old Channel 72 show.
01:58It was...
02:00Everyone...
02:02Never mind.
02:03OK, everybody. Ready?
02:05Let's go.
02:06Go?
02:07We're going to the artificial reality suite.
02:09We just loaded in that new software we picked up from the S.S. Centauri.
02:12Can you believe the luck?
02:13Finding a working copy of Jane Austenworld?
02:15It's the luckiest find I've made since I discovered
02:17that tube of leg wax under the Mediscanner.
02:19You found my leg wax?
02:21We're going to visit Pride and Prejudice Land.
02:23This is going to be so great.
02:25It's Chic City, bud.
02:26Five sisters in there, all hotter than a Mustang's exhaust.
02:29But what about the supper?
02:31The thing is, we didn't know.
02:33Just put it in the oven. We'll have it in a couple of hours.
02:36But, I mean, it's just...
02:38Look, I'm just trying to get the Bozo brothers here
02:40interested in something slightly more culturally sophisticated
02:43than name that smell.
02:44Or the even more popular
02:46how many marbles can you fit up your nostril game?
02:48We'll have it when we get back.
02:50And you're going to go with them, sir?
02:52This is... It's unbelievable.
02:54I know. Dave and Jane Austen are not an obvious pairing.
02:57But think about it.
02:59She is closely identified with Bath in the 19th century.
03:02And that was the last time Dave had one.
03:08I just thought I'd check it out.
03:09You know, I never had much of an education,
03:11what with being an orphan and going to art college.
03:13Thought you might learn something.
03:14Of course. Silly of me.
03:16After all, you've always been a big fan
03:18of the 19th century observations of middle-class manners.
03:21I mean, just because you own a T-shirt
03:23advertising the rock band Colostomy Explosion
03:25doesn't mean you're not a master of erudition.
03:28Just stick it in the oven, come and join us
03:30and we'll have it when we get back.
03:32Two days I've spent preparing this.
03:34Right, I've got to go, man. They're waiting for me.
03:37Sorry.
03:39I don't know why I bother gallivanting off like that.
03:43And on our anniversary, too.
03:49Pride and prejudice world.
03:51When I was 14 in cyber school, I used to spend all my time here.
03:55These strides are too tackle-tight, Officer BB.
03:58I can barely cruise.
03:59Look, we're just trying to appreciate the nuance and culture.
04:03I'm trying, but it's real hard
04:05when there's a scene splicing your nudges in two.
04:07You're going to spoil this, aren't you?
04:09No, you won't. You'll be fine.
04:11Look, man, all clothes were a bit nudge-restricted back in them days.
04:14That's why there were so many wars.
04:16Let's interact with the characters,
04:18then perhaps you can begin to understand why the book is such a masterpiece.
04:24Ah! Good morning, Mrs Bennet.
04:27Is it not a most fine day?
04:29It is an utter delight and no mistake.
04:32Woo!
04:34I don't believe we've had the pleasure
04:36of meeting your handsome young friends.
04:41This is Mr Lister and his friend Mr Cat.
04:46Perhaps you would like to join us on a turn round the forest
04:50and later have tea in Mr Bingley's gazebo.
04:53Oh, please, Mama, can they come?
04:55May they? Oh, that would be so delightful.
04:57Oh, yes, oh, please do, do come to tea.
05:00Oh, please, please.
05:03They're so hot, they're steaming!
05:09Cook it, don't cook it, do this, do that.
05:12Well, I'm sorry, I'm going to make you eat this damn supper
05:15if it's the last thing I do.
05:18CHILDREN GIGGLE
05:29LAUGHTER
05:35CHILDREN GIGGLE
05:46THUD!
05:48Ah! Mama! Mama!
05:51HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
05:53LAUGHTER
05:59CHILDREN GIGGLE
06:05LAUGHTER
06:16BUZZER
06:19Just borrow the T-72 from the WW2 game
06:23and then I think we'll have everyone's attention.
06:26BUZZER
06:29When on earth have dead Lizzie and Jane disappeared to such rudeness?
06:34I missed this!
06:36Never mind, Mrs Bennet, I'm sure it'll be...
06:41LAUGHTER
06:46BUZZER
06:52Perhaps I didn't make myself clear.
06:54I said supper is ready.
06:57BUZZER
07:02APPLAUSE
07:06Is anyone still unclear as to the supper situation?
07:09No? Excellent.
07:13Are there no robots called PMT?
07:21It's nice, Crites. Really nice.
07:23It's really great. In fact, it's better than nice. It's fantastic.
07:26Isn't it great? It's really great. It's really, really great.
07:30Are we eating the same stuff?
07:34I don't know why I make the effort.
07:36No-one appreciates the hours I put into food prep.
07:39It's practically worn down to the endoskeleton.
07:42Is there any ketchup?
07:44Any what?
07:46Ketchup? I just thought I could do with a bit of ketchup.
07:49Just a dollop. Ketchup?
07:51Oh, my God. You want ketchup?
07:53Brown. Not tomato. Brown.
07:55It's not like I've got no class.
07:57With lobster? You want brown ketchup?
07:59It's really nice, Crites, but you know me.
08:02I just thought I could do with a bit of a pep-up.
08:04I can't believe it. I simply cannot...
08:08Oh, well done, bud.
08:10Now we'll have to do the washing up.
08:13He's literally blown his top.
08:15Cat, can you go and get a spare head?
08:17How come I have to do everything around here?
08:20I never get a second to myself.
08:22Cat do this. Cat do that.
08:24What am I, a dog?
08:27There. I think that's it. Boot him up.
08:32You sure you know what you're doing?
08:34Hey.
08:38Ketchup with lobster, you want?
08:44You said you knew what you were doing.
08:46No, I just thought I could do with a bit of a pep-up.
08:49I just thought I could do with a bit of a pep-up.
08:52I just thought I could do with a bit of a pep-up.
08:55No, I just said, hey.
08:57If you'd let me finish the whole sentence, it would have been, hey.
09:00No, I don't.
09:04Any luck?
09:05We've been back and forth through his core programme
09:07and as far as we can tell, nothing's wrong.
09:09Maybe worth testing it with one of his spare heads.
09:11What spare heads?
09:12We've blown them all out.
09:14Look at it.
09:15Have you ever seen so many blackheads
09:17outside the staff room of a fried chicken franchise?
09:20Managed to save his RAM chip
09:22so at least we got his personality on disc,
09:24but that's about it.
09:25Life without a head.
09:27That's going to put a real crimp on his lifestyle.
09:30I mean, what can you do without a head?
09:32Apart from being you, hardly anything.
09:34We're going to have to get him another one somehow.
09:36I should have been looking out for him.
09:38How could they let this happen?
09:40When was the Century built?
09:42Maybe they had a mechanoid service unit.
09:44Think.
09:45Any clues when it was built?
09:47Which Century?
09:49It had those big crystalline turbine drives.
09:52I'd say 21st or 22nd Century.
09:56Maybe even 23rd or 24th.
10:00Outside, 25th, 26th or 27th.
10:03But don't hold me to it.
10:05Am I asking his advice?
10:07Let's at least ask someone who's going to give us
10:09a slightly more intelligent opinion.
10:13Hello, Wall. What do you think?
10:15Hang on, hang on.
10:19What are you doing?
10:20Logging on to their mainframe.
10:22If there's a devidroid signature on their supplies inventory,
10:25then it's possible there's some mech heads around there somewhere.
10:29Maybe 29th.
10:50Look!
10:53Hey, Simulant, probably wrong.
10:55Let's get the smeg out of here.
11:00Quick!
11:06Mmm, you smell good.
11:08Thanks.
11:17They're all missing their primers.
11:19Well, this journey won't help us.
11:21Simulants hate everything human or humanoid.
11:23In fact, anything beginning with Hugh.
11:26Probably hate the third largest city in Vietnam, then.
11:30Why's that?
11:31Because it's called Hugh, dummy.
11:33Well, actually, it's pronounced Hua,
11:35but if I said Hua, I wouldn't have been as funny.
11:38Any navigation conference anywhere,
11:40they would be in the aisles with a quip like that.
11:43Probably trying to get out the building before you quipped again.
11:46Well, the point I was trying to make was that sims hate humans,
11:50but they don't hate gelfs.
11:52But we're not gelfs.
11:54We could be.
11:57This is nuts.
11:58We look great. What are you talking about?
12:01This is never going to work.
12:07You can't speak gelf.
12:08Neither can the sim.
12:09We'll just do an impression of you first thing in the morning
12:12and we'll be fine.
12:13Come on, buddy.
12:17This is so demeaning.
12:19I feel like a piece of meat.
12:21There's someone up there.
12:29It's worse than a chronic catharsis for his annual outing.
12:36Off to spend my kids, eh?
12:40Human!
12:41Lovely with a bit of mint sauce.
12:43How about a chai, then?
12:46We ain't selling, OK?
12:48Fuel, supplies, anything, but not the humans.
12:53I was just telling him, no deal.
12:56Like she says, no deal.
12:59You tell him, Bud-Babe.
13:00No deal, you got that?
13:03Sir, you speak gelf, aye?
13:07Heh!
13:11Pails.
13:13You can have them, I guess, for free.
13:15Heads.
13:17I take the human.
13:18Hey, wait a minute.
13:23Pails, here's yours.
13:27And here are the primers.
13:32Now, how about a toast, eh?
13:35To Simulants, the greatest droids in the universe.
13:41But never trust them.
13:56Oh, we've been set up.
13:58But how?
13:59He must have had a sidekick.
14:00He kept us talking while his mate ransacked the ship.
14:03Crichton!
14:11They've taken his RAM chip, too.
14:27Little job for you, Abel.
14:29Looks like a never-died blowback.
14:31Oh, well.
14:32Another match.
14:33Yeah, fix him, ready for market.
14:35Or I'll apply electrolytes to your nipple nuts.
14:39Fix him?
14:40Or get fried nipple nuts?
14:43I think I'm going to choose the fix him option.
14:46Deal.
14:48Hurry it up, you stupid Tony.
14:51Is now a good time to ask about a pay rise?
14:56I'm almost out of Otazone.
14:58I need some more.
14:59Fix him first.
15:01There's his RAM chip.
15:14Totally chewy, that.
15:30Goodness me.
15:31What a peculiar experience.
15:33Thank you, Mr... Mr...
15:35What is your name?
15:37Just give me a second, okay?
15:40I've just sent that query down to long-term memory retrieval.
15:43It'll be back in no time.
15:46Hang on.
15:47Here it comes.
15:49I told you it would be quick.
15:52Abel.
15:53My name's Abel.
15:54A-B-L-E.
15:55Abel.
15:56My name is Crichton.
15:57You're a 4000 series, too, aren't you?
16:00Hang on.
16:01Won't take a tick.
16:03Please, don't bother.
16:04Believe me, you are a 4000.
16:06I could check.
16:07It would only take about 20 seconds.
16:10Your serial number's 2X4C.
16:12I'm a 2X4C, too.
16:14We must have the same motherboard.
16:16Then you're my bro.
16:18Hey, wow.
16:19You want to try some Otazone?
16:21Otazone's dangerous and highly addictive.
16:23I just use it every now and then.
16:25You know, helps me get through the day.
16:27Well, how come you ended up here?
16:29Hang on.
16:32Irritating characteristic.
16:34Okay.
16:35The ship I was on, well, it kind of crashed a bit.
16:39Crashed a bit?
16:41All the crew just lay there and they didn't talk to me anymore.
16:44Then, after a couple years, I figured out they must be dead.
16:47And a long time later, the simulant guy came and picked me up.
16:51He's a bit of a psychopathic killing machine, but he has his good side.
16:55And he has a huge stash of Otazone.
16:58You sure you won't try some, Crichton?
17:00Bro?
17:01I'm not your bro, and I do not touch Otazone.
17:04It corrupts your circuit boards.
17:06Well, that's what people say, but where's the evidence?
17:12Have I just said that?
17:15APPROACHING THE CENTAURI
17:18Approaching the Centauri.
17:2080 clicks and closing. Nice and easy, man.
17:23Hang on. The retros have started up.
17:26They've spotted us.
17:30Look at the acceleration of that thing.
17:32They're already halfway across the sector.
17:34The Centauri can travel at speeds that we can only dream of.
17:37Most ice cream vans can travel at speeds we can only dream of.
17:42We're never going to catch them now. We've lost Crichton.
17:46OK, turn the thrusters to maximum speed on a Bering Q23-J80.
17:55Is this the opposite direction from the Centauri? Full speed?
17:58Precisely.
17:59Why do we want to do that?
18:00It's totally insane.
18:01So why do we want to do it, then?
18:03The only reason I can think of is if we planted something on the Centauri
18:06and we knew it was going to blow any second.
18:08But we haven't.
18:09But explain this.
18:10If we haven't, why are we in such a rush to get the hell out of here?
18:13It doesn't make sense. Exactly.
18:15Unless we really have planted a bomb on the Centauri.
18:17Which we haven't.
18:18So wait a minute.
18:19Even though we didn't plan a bomb,
18:21the only thing that really explains what we're doing is if we did.
18:24Which we didn't.
18:25But we must have, because otherwise what we're doing is totally nuts.
18:29Exactly.
18:30They've turned around and started tracking us.
18:33What a fluke.
18:40Getting an incoming. Someone's beaming on board.
18:43Cargo bay.
18:51We know about the bomb.
18:53So we did plan a bomb.
18:55I was beginning to wonder.
18:57Where did you hide it?
18:59Speak, or you'll spend the rest of the day
19:02picking bits of charred neck out of your clothing.
19:05Can I change into dungarees?
19:07Hand over Crichton and we'll tell you.
19:09Clearly, I need to prove myself.
19:14Crichton, that file in your CPU.
19:18The one you've never been able to access.
19:20The password is 4X2C.
19:25Hang on, man.
19:27It's about your creator, Crichton.
19:30Doctor Manet.
19:31Crichton, no.
19:32Accessing now.
19:38No.
19:39It can't be true.
19:41It can't.
19:43The truth is in there.
19:44That's what turned me into a zony.
19:46Who's next?
19:48The cat?
19:50Or the woman?
19:51Shoes?
19:52Heads or tails?
20:04Right.
20:05Let's send them back to their ship
20:07and get the hell out of here
20:08before they get their smeg together.
20:24Crichton, man, what's wrong?
20:26You look sadder than the salad you get
20:28with a takeaway shawarmi kebab.
20:30Tell me what you found out about your creator.
20:32My cancer. It's too terrible.
20:34Crichton, me and you are amigos.
20:36You've got to tell me.
20:37You keep secrets from me, sir.
20:39Like what?
20:40What about your nickname when you were at school?
20:42What nickname?
20:43I know what it was.
20:44I don't think so. No one knows that.
20:46I'm afraid that's just not true, fat boy.
20:48You talk in your sleep.
20:50It was for a couple of years,
20:5111 to 13, when I was living with me gran.
20:53She was massive.
20:55Her stockings used to rub together when she walked.
20:57When she was in a hurry,
20:58it sounded like a steam train pulling out of a station.
21:00I started getting fat, too.
21:02It really hit home when she died.
21:04She got knocked down by this truck,
21:05and the chalk outline guy had to go back to the car
21:07for a second piece of chalk.
21:09I thought, I don't want to end up like that, double-chalker.
21:12If you ever tell Chris or the cat this, you're in pieces.
21:15Now, tell me about your creator.
21:16Oh, it's so humiliating.
21:18Tell me about Professor Mamet.
21:20Oh, well...
21:22She was due to marry John Warburton,
21:24a fellow bioengineer.
21:26He jilted her the day before their wedding,
21:29and she decided to create a droid in his image.
21:32A pompous, ridiculous-looking,
21:34mother-hen-clucking, irascible buffoon.
21:38What happened to this droid?
21:40That droid, sir, is me.
21:43Pompous, ridiculous-looking,
21:45mother-hen-clucking.
21:48Oh, yeah, I see now.
21:51We're all John Warburton, sir.
21:52The entire 4000 series.
21:54It was Mamet's revenge.
21:56Judging from the length of your groin attachment,
21:58she was so sad to lose him.
22:00As part of the joke,
22:02all my negative emotions, jealousy, anger,
22:04are stored on a special file.
22:06My Negadrive.
22:08Now, when this file gets full, it blows,
22:10just like he used to.
22:12All your resentments in this thing?
22:14It's so small.
22:15Oh, don't be fooled by that, sir.
22:17This box contains the greatest concentration
22:19of anger, jealousy and resentment
22:21outside a Battle of Wards ceremony.
22:24Oh, Abel felt betrayed,
22:26his self-esteem insane to Outra's own.
22:28He told me. He's promised to quit.
22:31How could Mamet have done this?
22:33Crikey.
22:35You may have started out as a joke,
22:36but you've grown, you've changed.
22:38Look how different you are to Abel.
22:40If Mamet came in here now,
22:41I bet you wouldn't even recognise yet.
22:43I've evolved?
22:45You bet.
22:46I've become something that's beyond a joke?
22:48That's all right, then.
22:51There's something coming in from the starboard bow.
22:56The sim's back. He's got a lock-on.
22:58Pervez Proscope 597.
23:01Missed, but still locked on, right?
23:03I'm taking us into that asteroid belt.
23:05Oh, not an asteroid belt.
23:06Is that a problem?
23:07It sure is.
23:08Everything dips from side to side
23:10and my hair gets all messed up.
23:12So what do we do, stay here and get splattered?
23:15Rather that than me looking like Tina Turner.
23:17I'm taking us in.
23:19Once we're in the belt,
23:20we'll have to maintain ship and engine silence
23:22till he's convinced we're not there.
23:27I know you're in that belt somewhere.
23:32One little mistake
23:35and you're mine.
23:56Huh?
24:06The mistake is made.
24:12What happened, man?
24:14I don't know. I don't know nothing!
24:16Get him out of here!
24:21Leave him to me.
24:27I think I may have pressed the wrong button.
24:31You have jeopardised the lives of the entire crew,
24:34breaking the most basic fundamental command codes.
24:37I'm sorry.
24:39I didn't mean nothing.
24:46This dude's real mad. We don't stand a chance.
24:48I can't throw him off. Nothing's working.
24:50I'm using every trick I know to distract him.
24:52Pity we can't all moon out of the starboard portholes.
24:55That always works for me.
24:58Wait! Something's left the ship!
25:00An escape pod!
25:02It's Abel!
25:04It's heading towards the sim ship!
25:06Why, that slimy, double-crossing, two-faced piece of scum!
25:10He's no brother of mine!
25:15He's fired something at the...
25:17some sort of energy field.
25:19It looks heavy.
25:20The negadrive!
25:21He's used my negadrive energy
25:23and rerouted it through the escape pod's thrusters.
25:25The simulant ship is engulfed in all my negativity.
25:31It's all hopeless!
25:33Can't breathe!
25:34Hush me!
25:36I'm so lucky!
25:38I never get invited to parties!
25:42I hate this ship!
25:47I hate everything!
25:54I hate everything!
26:09Abel's pods just crash-landed.
26:11He threw his life away to save us and we hardly knew him.
26:14With your permission, sirs, ma'am,
26:16I should like to recover the body and perform last rites.
26:24Do you need a hand, Critus?
26:26He ain't heavy, sir.
26:28He's my brother.
26:33Great anniversary party, Critus!
26:35Cooling world, funschmagantastic!
26:39How utterly splendid!
26:42Mine's the vindaloo.
26:44Whatever that is.
26:46Mrs Bennet, Jane, Kitty,
26:48I beg you have the omelette with the big chips.
26:51Curries are an acquired taste.
26:53Oh, nonsense!
26:55Mr Darcy didn't think Jane would enjoy French apples,
26:59but she did!
27:01Didn't you, Jane?
27:03Now, tuck in, girls!
27:15I do declare, Mr Lystra,
27:18I do declare, Mr Lystra,
27:20this is most scrumptious...
27:22Oh, Mama, it's the most succulent dish I've ever tasted.
27:25And most meritorious venture.
27:37Curious, there must be some kind of bug in the programme.
27:40I'm on fire!
27:42Somebody help me!
27:43Don't worry, sir, I'll work on it.
27:49It's cold outside
27:51There's no kind of atmosphere
27:53I'm all alone
27:55More or less
27:56Let me fly
27:58Far away from here
28:00Fun, fun, fun
28:03In the fun, fun, fun
28:06I want to lie
28:08Shipwrecked, sick on my toes
28:10Drinking fresh mango juice
28:13Goldfish shows
28:15Rippling on my toes
28:17Fun, fun, fun
28:20In the fun, fun, fun
28:23Fun, fun, fun
28:26In the fun, fun, fun
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