According to Jim
  • 6 months ago
Transcript
00:30Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
01:00oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
01:20oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
01:21oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
01:22oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
01:23oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
01:47oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
02:11oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
02:40oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
03:05I don't know why I put myself through it.
03:09Listen, why do you eat tomatoes when you don't like them?
03:13There's plenty of other things to eat.
03:15Oh, it's got to be tomatoes, man.
03:17Only thing I'm allergic to.
03:21Why do you want to eat something you're allergic to?
03:24According to the readouts, we're down to our last water tank.
03:27Only G-Deck left.
03:29Save them water.
03:30Listen, have you ever been down to G-Deck?
03:32Seen the water tank?
03:34Tons of water left.
03:35How come only a trickle's coming out of the taps then?
03:41How does eating tomatoes save water?
03:45It's covered.
03:54Don't suppose you want any iron doing, do you?
03:58I get it.
04:01I get it.
04:02I love it when it makes that squish sound, don't you?
04:06You've spent hours planning this, haven't you?
04:09Hours.
04:11This wind-up.
04:12Because that's exactly what it is.
04:15Going down to the supply decks, trawling through the crates.
04:18Getting half hysterical at the thought of my face as you start to iron your sneezes.
04:25Was it really worth it, Listie?
04:27Hours and hours and hours of planning for eight seconds of pleasure?
04:33So was it the last time you had sex?
04:37Lister, you need to get a life.
04:54Level.
04:56Level.
05:01Level.
05:04Level.
05:06Close.
05:16Not level.
05:25Level.
05:26Level.
05:56Level.
06:08I thought I'd read you another book.
06:11It's one of those stupid ones you used to really like.
06:16Jane Austen?
06:19Austen?
06:21Austen?
06:22Austen?
06:24I'm not quite sure how you pronounce it.
06:28Sense and Sensibility.
06:33Pray God, there's some car chasers in this one.
06:40The family of Dashwood had long been settled in Sussex.
06:52What?
07:02What happened to you?
07:04You got a minute?
07:11Tell him.
07:13I'm walking through the cargo deck ride, minding my own damn business,
07:18when all of a sudden, you know that big tank on G-Deck?
07:22He means the water tank.
07:24Suddenly, there's a disturbance on the surface of the tank, and...
07:33This massive testicle shoots up out of the water and grabs me by the throat.
07:38He means tentacle. I hope so.
07:41Before I know it, I'm flying through the air, being waved about from side to side.
07:48I'm shouting, I'm screaming, because this thing, whatever it is, is absolutely ruining my head.
07:55Next thing I know, it pulls me down into the icy waters, and I'm shouting and screaming again,
08:01because everything I'm wearing is dry-clean only.
08:04Suddenly, I'm staring at this big eye. It's about this big.
08:12No, this big. No, this big.
08:16Man, it was just... Oh, what's the right word?
08:21Big?
08:22Exactly. And then the beast, because that's what it is, opens its mouth,
08:28and I realize that's where I'm heading.
08:32So I combed my hair and fainted.
08:35Came to, I'm on the floor by the side of the tank. No sign of the creature.
08:44I need counseling.
08:46You got that right.
08:47So where did it go?
08:50It didn't say, and it didn't leave a note.
08:53This is so weird.
08:55It's not that weird. Probably can't even write.
08:58How did it even hold a pen with its big testicle?
09:01It slithered back into the water tank, hasn't it?
09:04But a sea monster in the water tank?
09:07That's not right. We're in deep space.
09:10Holiday. Celebrate. Holiday.
09:17Saft Boy is back from Broomtown.
09:20What a vacation, sirs.
09:23I can't remember the last time I was so relaxed and utterly carefree.
09:27There's a big monster in the water tank.
09:29Oh, my gosh.
09:30That's why we're down on water.
09:32We're down on water?
09:33Yeah, and without water, me and the cat are gonna die.
09:36Yeah.
09:37It's a disaster. Oh, my back.
09:40I'm one giant tension knot, somewhat pummeled by dials.
09:45Hey, this thing, whatever it is, it's messing with the supply thingy, pipe stuff thing, isn't it?
09:51Please, we're laymen. Spare us the plumbing jargon.
09:54The point is, we've got to get in there and whack it.
09:57We've got to fritter the critter.
09:59Kill it? No way.
10:01We should capture this sucker, force it to pay my dry cleaning bills.
10:06Point is, how do we kill it?
10:08I mean, we can't suck it out of an airlock, we lose the water.
10:11We can't mickey the water, we pollute the drinking supply.
10:15No choice. We're gonna have to go in, get it.
10:21Serious?
10:22Serious?
10:23We're gonna need a diving bell, the kind with grade one reinforced titanium ribs.
10:28We're gonna need diving suits, bazookoids, mini grenades, laser lancer, blasters.
10:34And we're gonna need something good for me to read while you're all down there.
10:38Classic car monthly or something.
10:40You're not coming down with us?
10:42In spirit, I'll be down there with you.
10:45In actuality, I'll be reading your car mag.
10:48Well, I'd better start packing then.
10:51I already am packed.
10:56Don't look at me, I ain't going.
10:58I'm still in trauma. Look at my suit.
11:01It may not pull through.
11:03Find another suit, you're going.
11:05Hey, I'm a cat.
11:08Nobody bosses Mr. C around, buddy.
11:11You got that, monkey boy?
11:13Or should I explain it one more time for your small monkey brain?
11:19How would you like it if I flushed the entire ship's supply of tuna out of an airlock?
11:28When are we leaving?
11:30You packed?
11:32Come on, let me help you, man.
11:34Come on, get going. We're going in two minutes.
11:36Two minutes? Two minutes?
11:39I need to make myself look sensational.
11:42Make it three, and don't wear nothing lilac or we'll clash.
11:47Yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:01We're hitting the water in there.
12:04What? Oh, yeah.
12:10There's something out there.
12:12Where? I saw something moving.
12:14That was if you keep shouting like that.
12:17Oh, it's gone. It's gone.
12:23Rimmer, check the sonar.
12:26Did you know that of all the Jensen Interceptors ever built, only 23 had the manual four-speed box? Amazing.
12:34Rimmer, the sonar. Check it, you smacker.
12:37Is there anything down here with us?
12:39What? No, it's all clear. It's fine. Good.
12:43Get this. Listen, the four-wheel drive, the FF, identified by a measly four-inch stretch in the wheelbase, had ABS in 1966. How mad is that?
12:54I saw something! I saw something! I definitely saw something!
12:59Uh, chaps, bit of an update. There appears to be something bigger than God heading straight for you.
13:16What is it?
13:18How do I know? It's not like a commercial airliner with writing down the side.
13:22Well, do something! Get us out of here!
13:25Can't. Too scared. Can't. Look at my hands.
13:30You're scared, but you're not even down here. You're safe.
13:34Safe? I'm not safe from having to sit here and watch my sonar screen get covered in your gloopy insides, am I?
13:42I'm not safe from seeing those terrible pictures in my head of you being eaten alive and never being able to get rid of them.
13:49You just think about you, don't you? It's always you with...
13:52You, isn't it?
13:53Sir, I've changed my eyeballs three times and I can't see anything. Are you sure you're not mistaken?
14:04Go on.
14:07What's with the speck on the sonar?
14:09Relax. As you were.
14:24Oh, my God.
14:27No!
14:52What was that?
14:54Let's go!
14:56No, sir. It's underneath us.
15:00If we're really quiet, it might think we're a rock.
15:07Rimmer, pull us up. Slowly and quietly.
15:16Rimmer, are you reading me?
15:30Sir, can you hear us?
15:37Wait, what's that?
15:40I can't see anything.
15:45Sir!
15:51Will you keep the knife down back there? Can't you see I'm looking for squid?
16:01I still can't see us.
16:04Sir, may I make one tiny suggestion?
16:09Releasing a firearm in a confined, titanium steel box may not be a good mix with human tissue.
16:34Oh, my God.
16:38Hang on, I'm getting you out of there.
16:41Rimmer to the rescue as per usual.
16:45What would these clowns do without me, eh?
16:48Anyone else would probably get a medal for this. The Eagle of Valour, the Space Knight's Cross of Honour.
16:53Better I don't even get a medal.
16:55What would these clowns do without me, eh?
16:58Anyone else would probably get a medal for this. The Eagle of Valour, the Space Knight's Cross of Honour.
17:02Better I don't even get a book token.
17:23Two suits in one day. Look at me!
17:24Thanks to you, I couldn't even get on the cover of Minger Monthly.
17:28You're supposed to be mine, there's a throne on the map!
17:33You can't get us all killed!
17:36Is this about you again? It is, isn't it?
17:39Can't you see right now I need some me time?
17:42My heart is still hammering, I don't know how I got through that.
17:45You wasn't even there!
17:48I was nearly there.
17:51That's close enough for me.
17:55What the hell was that thing?
17:58Well, some kind of dimension-migrating leviathan.
18:02Looking for somewhere quiet to hibernate.
18:05Where better than the middle of deep space in a universe where the human race is virtually extinct.
18:11It's extraordinary.
18:17It's gone.
18:18Where?
18:19Probably to another dimension, to lick it.
18:22Wait! Incoming!
18:25What's this?
18:31I bid greetings.
18:34My name is Kateryna Bartikovsky.
18:37In past, I Red Dwarf Science Officer.
18:41From now, I am Senior Officer.
18:44No longer hologram Arnold Rimmer, who is bit crap.
18:49What?
18:52Look, sir. Confirmed.
18:55Adjustment on command structure essential if one day Lister to regenerate human race, huh?
19:01Result?
19:03You beauty.
19:13Why does mainframe computer not function?
19:16Lister left a bath running in the officer's quarters.
19:19We didn't find out about it for nearly nine years.
19:22Then one night, it was a Tuesday.
19:26The floor gave way and nearly two million gallons of water fell through the ship.
19:30Not a nice way to be woken.
19:32One minute you're lying in your bed snoozing,
19:34the next you're being washed down a corridor at 80 knots per hour.
19:38The Scutters still haven't finished drying him out.
19:43Scutters more pressing duties?
19:45Duties that distract them from these tasks?
19:49Is it you?
19:50No.
19:53This is a mess. What has Mick been doing?
19:56Brighton. Holiday. Nice shelf on V-deck.
20:00My idea needed break.
20:03Micks don't go on holiday. They are machines.
20:06That's what I said.
20:08You were Senior Officer. It was duty to ensure efficiency of ship.
20:13How come there are two holograms active, both hard light?
20:17I thought the ship could only sustain one.
20:19How does Lister pass time?
20:21Sleeps. Annoys me.
20:24Look, if there's one...
20:26Besides sleeping and annoying you, what else does he do?
20:30Gets ready for bed.
20:32And for entertainment?
20:35He irons sneezes.
20:37In fact, if he was an art student, he'd probably be considered a genius.
20:42His tragedy.
20:44His body lives, but inside he is dead.
20:47This is your fault.
20:49You kill him.
20:51What did I do?
20:53You're responsible for his life, but you do nothing. You think only of you.
20:59I don't know whether you happen to notice, but we are in deep space,
21:02where there isn't a whole hell of a lot to do.
21:05There are only so many times you can play what's in the bag.
21:10Fish paste, Lister's trainers.
21:14In my country, we have word for people like you.
21:18In my country, we have several.
21:22Hey, I found one.
21:26Mr Lister, please prepare.
21:28You are to be returning home, so we have possibility to make this happen.
21:35You serious?
21:36Of course, I always serious.
21:39Mr Rimmer?
21:40Yes?
21:41You have 24 hours to get your affairs in order.
21:44Then you will be offline and your data files erased.
21:47Then your hard drive will be fired into space,
21:50and when safe distance from ship, it will be detonated by nuclear fusion.
21:56You really don't like me, do you?
21:58I do my job, and my job is look after him.
22:01Which, sadly, is very ungroovy news for you, you see.
22:05Dobri vaci.
22:08Dobri vaci.
22:16I hate her.
22:18I like her.
22:20I like her a lot.
22:26She's given me 24 hours to get my affairs in order before I'm offline and trashed.
22:32She's treating me like a computer virus.
22:34She's so bright and perceptive, sir.
22:36Such a breath of fresh air.
22:39We all have our Achilles heel.
22:41Find hers.
22:42Start trawling the data, Crikey.
22:44Get me some dirt on her.
22:46You know what I'm talking about, kid?
22:48Ah, Ms Bartikovsky.
22:50Yes, Miss Smagging Bartikovsky.
22:52Get me some dirt on her.
22:54I trust you slept well, Ms?
22:58Not particularly, Ms.
23:00I love it when your voice unit acts up like that, Ms.
23:04Right, back to the dirt thing.
23:06Your breasts look particularly good today, Ms.
23:10My... what?
23:12My bre... what?
23:15Good morning, Ms... Miss...
23:18You. Follow me.
23:23On my way to Dirtville, sir. I'll catch you later.
23:27Engage innocent whistle mode.
23:31So, as spoken.
23:33I bring Lister back to life, restore drive, so can restart human race, yes?
23:39And how, pray tell, do you plan to do that?
23:44Isn't obvious.
23:47You start. I'll join in.
23:49The solution is staring you in your stupid, fat, ferret-y face.
23:53We have tentacle of dimension-migrating Leviathan.
23:56We take, insert into a gene reader.
23:59You have several in Medilab.
24:01And triangulate results with power surge readings and temporal displacement residues recorded in water tank.
24:07We then calculate quantum algorithm creature produced to open dimensional membrane and we travel multiverse.
24:13Once computed, we have key to dimensional travel.
24:16Transpose calibrations into mining laser and bingo-jingo, we have our very own dimension cutter.
24:23That is exactly what I was gonna say.
24:25That's so spooky.
24:27So Lister will travel to new dimension, bring back mate and recreate human race, yes?
24:32Word for word, what I was gonna say.
25:28No whale this way.
25:31I'll probably end up with your head or someone else's legs.
25:35Something always goes wrong, I'm not building me hopes up.
25:40And we begin.
25:58It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere, I'm all alone, more or less.
26:08Let me fly, far away from here, far, far, far, into the stars, stars, stars.
26:20I want to live, shift legs and grow my toes, drinking fresh mango juice.
26:28Ghostly shows, living out my toes, far, far, far, into the stars, stars, stars.
26:39Far, far, far, into the stars, stars, stars.
26:50Far, far, far, into the stars.