According to Jim
  • 6 months ago
Transcript
00:30♪♪
00:40♪♪
00:50♪♪
01:00I understand you played an idiotic prank on a senior and much respected officer yesterday.
01:06That is just not true, sir. We played the prank on Mr. Ackerman, sir.
01:11Oh, I see.
01:14What happened?
01:15We inserted the capture of the truth serum, sodium pentothal, into his asthma inhaler, sir.
01:21Oh, which is why he rushed onto the bridge this morning, apologized for being late,
01:27saying he'd been having jiggy-jiggy with the science officer's wife
01:31and hadn't allowed enough time to change out of his Batman outfit.
01:39Permission to snigger, sir?
01:41Permission refused.
01:43You may have to snigger anyway, sir.
01:47Do either of you have anything to say?
01:50About what, sir?
01:51About Mr. Ackerman. About him being late and wearing a Batman outfit.
01:56Has he considered being Tarzan?
01:59Costume change would be much quicker.
02:02You two are both serving a two-year sentence in the brig.
02:06Do you want to get out? Ever?
02:08Sir, is that Mr. Ackerman so...
02:12horrible, sir?
02:14I am not, sir!
02:17I'm extremely nice.
02:20Lovely, in fact.
02:22Warm, caring, but most of all nice.
02:26Hence my nickname, Nicy Ackerman.
02:30That's why I entered the service, sir.
02:32So I could share my sunny disposition with inmate scum who didn't have my start in life.
02:37Sir, he's been horrible from the moment we first met him.
02:40Today we have a new intake.
02:43To them I say, obey the rules.
02:47Keep out of trouble.
02:49And your time here will pass much more pleasantly.
02:54Welcome to Floor 13.
02:57Seems like a nice guy.
03:01Ow!
03:06If you want to speak, ask my permission.
03:09I was just saying how nice you seemed.
03:11You spoke again.
03:16But I was paying you a compliment, buddy.
03:18I was saying how you seemed to be a fair-minded, okay kind of guy,
03:21not one of these psycho types you sometimes get in your own prisons.
03:24You spoke again.
03:27This one's going to back me up.
03:29Hang on, wait. I get it. I should shut up.
03:32If I shut up, they'll stop hitting me.
03:39That is definitely the key.
03:45That is totally untrue, sir.
03:47What actually happened...
03:49Save it, Mr. Ackerman.
03:51I've thought long and hard about a suitable punishment,
03:54and I've come up with this.
03:56You and a team of your choice
03:58will play basketball against a team of guards
04:01led by Mr. Ackerman.
04:03God bless you, sir.
04:06Where you will be trounced and humiliated
04:09in front of the entire inmate population.
04:12But, sir, if we lose, Baxter and his cronies will beat us to a pulp.
04:15You better win, then.
04:25Ooh!
04:27Ooh!
04:37Yeah!
04:39Ooh!
04:41Hey, guys, way to go.
04:43Where were you? Where was I?
04:45You were supposed to be picking up rice.
04:47I did. We're meeting for drinks on Thursday.
04:49That kind of picking up, you ninny?
04:51Buddies, we've got to stop arguing.
04:53We can't lose this.
04:55Got it all taken care of.
04:57As soon as the guards swigged our half-time juice.
04:59The Scutters have managed to smuggle something out of the Medilab for us.
05:02That stuff that helps impotent guys put the zest back in their love lives.
05:05Boy, the virility enhancement drug.
05:07That's the stuff. And we've Mickey Finned their drinks.
05:10Within seconds, you're harder than a quadratic equation.
05:13And it doesn't wear off for seven hours.
05:15For seven hours, those guys are going to be like catapults.
05:18That's going to seriously slow them down.
05:20I'm kidding. Try moving faster than a fishing pole in your pants.
05:24Get out there and kill.
05:26They're lamps to the slaughter.
05:28Now go on. Go get them.
05:31LAUGHTER
05:37WHISTLE BLOWS
05:39LAUGHTER
05:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
05:48LAUGHTER
05:54LAUGHTER
06:01CHEERING
06:05LAUGHTER
06:13CHEERING
06:17LAUGHTER
06:24LAUGHTER
06:26I want to shoot! I want to shoot!
06:28CHEERING
06:36LAUGHTER
06:40CHEERING
06:48LAUGHTER
06:56LAUGHTER
07:21LAUGHTER
07:27LAUGHTER
07:29Seven hours.
07:31Do you know how long that is?
07:34I couldn't remove my shorts until after midnight.
07:39When I wanted a leak, I had to do a handstand on the toilet seat.
07:44I stopped the lift doors from closing.
07:46I wasn't even catching a lift.
07:48Where did you get it? The Medilab?
07:51Yes, sir. How?
07:53It was one of those damn scutters. I'm going to have it crushed.
07:57It was me, sir, when the doc's back was turned.
08:00I went up to the Medilab for a sick note,
08:02but the doc thought I was feigning illness
08:04and didn't accept it was possible to have athletes hand.
08:07First thing tomorrow, you're on spud duty for two weeks.
08:11Now get out of my sight, both of you.
08:24Ha!
08:35Stuck?
08:36Yeah, God, this is hard.
08:38What are you doing, a crossword?
08:40No, join the dots.
08:44What number are you stuck on?
08:46124.
08:48124. 124.
08:54Have you tried 125?
08:57I know the number you're giving, but it's fine if it's the hard bit.
09:00I'm not some braindead simpleton.
09:03Ah, there it is.
09:07Look at that. It's a bucket and spade.
09:15It's clever, that, isn't it?
09:21Ah, supper.
09:24Are we supposed to tip them? I'm never sure.
09:32I've seen things more appetising on the floors of elephant houses.
09:37Only a total idiot would eat this.
09:46Make all this meat.
09:48My grandmother's buttocks deep-fried in old chip fat
09:51would taste better than this.
09:53We're on a punishment menu now.
09:55No chips, no ice cream, just the basics.
09:57But there's one punishment detail.
09:59Yeah. Kill Crazy reckons
10:01to give us the cloning experiments that have gone wrong
10:04with some gravy slopped over to disguise it.
10:06You waited until I was swallowing till you said that, didn't you?
10:10He swears blind the other day he got something with two noses in it.
10:14Of course he didn't. They can't do that. It's illegal.
10:17His starter sneezed.
10:19His starter sneezed!
10:22Jimbo Steel was a witness.
10:24Kill Crazy's insane. He's got lots of strange ideas.
10:27He reckons every time they flush a loo on a plane,
10:30it drops straight out.
10:33That's why they don't let you go to the lav
10:35when the plane's standing on the runway.
10:37For fear of skid starts.
10:43He's probably right. Of course he isn't.
10:45Why else wouldn't they let you go, then?
10:47I don't know. Maybe they're helping you break up your journey.
10:52If they let you go to the loo first off,
10:54you'd have nothing to do after you've eaten your cheese.
10:57No, Kill Crazy's probably right.
10:59That's why housing the flight path would always be so cheap.
11:05Because of all the flushing planes?
11:07Yeah, well, think about it.
11:09You can't sunbathe, you can't have a barbecue,
11:11and every time you go out, you've got to wear a washable hat
11:14and leg it to your car.
11:16It's the noise.
11:18That's why houses on the flight path are so cheap, because of the noise.
11:21The noise? Yeah.
11:23But they're half a mile up.
11:25You'd never be able to hear people on the loo from that distance.
11:30Not unless they were like my uncle, Dan.
11:33They're not eating. Yeah, yeah, in a minute.
11:36PHONE RINGS
11:42PHONE VIBRATES
11:47Oh, Chicken Vindaloo.
11:51Nice one, Bob.
11:59What about the poppadoms? You didn't forget them, did you?
12:07Poppadom.
12:09Here's a little something for you.
12:13PHONE VIBRATES
12:17Same time tomorrow.
12:27Cheers.
12:39Is that the scutter who got you the stiffening solution for the basketball game?
12:43Yeah. You can get anything from Bob.
12:46A claw and every bite.
12:48Tomorrow we're on spud duty,
12:50and those knives are supposed to be as sharp as a chemistry teacher's cardigan.
12:56Do you reckon he can get us a couple of good potato peelers?
12:59Hang on.
13:01Come on to something here. Forget the potato peelers.
13:04What we want is one of those programmable viruses from the science block.
13:08Programmable what?
13:10Yeah, they used to be on Z-Deck.
13:12Wonderful nanos have reconstructed them.
13:14You can program them to do anything you want.
13:16Eat potato skins, you name it.
13:18So we could program them to eat the skins off the potatoes and leave the rest intact?
13:23We wouldn't have to lift a finger?
13:25Two weeks of hell would become Potato Paradise.
13:30I'll get on the blowout at Bob's missus. She'll take a message for us.
13:35Bob's got a missus?
13:37Yeah, Madge. She's amazing. 0-60 in under ten minutes.
14:15Damn. Can he help us?
14:17No, wrong number.
14:28We've got the shiny's laundry.
14:31Do you need anything ironing?
14:45Now, remember, two entire battalions went missing from this ship.
14:48Vanished without trace.
14:50We must stick together and remain constantly vigilant.
14:53One minute, everything's fine.
14:55Then you lose concentration for a split second and you're all alone
14:58and easy pickings for some hostile life form.
15:01Oh, I'll be damned.
15:03I'll be damned.
15:05I'll be damned.
15:07I'll be damned.
15:09I'll be damned.
15:11I'll be damned.
15:14I know you think I'm a bit of a fussbot when it comes to safety procedures.
15:18But it's staying alert that has kept us all...
15:22kept us...
15:27Hello?
15:30Oh, Creator, I'm on my own.
15:34Hey buddy, we're in here.
15:39What is the point of me giving my
15:41I stay alert everyone pep talk if no one is listening
15:44What?
15:49What are they whole they look uncannily like something you should be very very afraid of what mime artists
15:59Once you get those trendy town centers that chase you down the street and freeze when you look at them and everyone laughs at you
16:06I've never seen anything like this before a group of men who display all the normal life signs
16:11But seem totally incapable of movement never seen QPR play away then
16:18Tempus that's Latin for time Latin. I didn't even know the Romans built spaceships
16:25Somehow this device appears to have caused time to freeze
16:28Obviously they used it erroneously
16:33Wait
16:36You come from and how deep
16:42You get a hold of that it's some kind of Tim
16:50Extraordinary hey, this could be a great device for settling arguments don't mess
17:00With that thing it can rip
17:07You up
17:09It appears to be able to digitize time and then download it and store it on a hard drive
17:14This pure time can then be uploaded into objects or places to freeze people technically
17:19They're not frozen ma'am merely operating in a different time stream
17:23So you mean they're moving just incredibly slowly about the same speed as the average little chef waitress
17:30That's why they don't appear to be actually doing anything
17:33So this device has the ability to make time come to a complete stop, what else can it do?
17:46What's happens quite soon why he's so big and why do I suddenly feel like a rimtoe?
17:55You gotta get me back to normal
17:57You
18:03May only be three feet tall, but you're both as cute as buttons
18:17Turkish entry in the Eurovision song
18:21It seems to have restored your hair to a previous time period to the rest of you
18:26Compensating
18:32Now it's regressed your outfits to a previous time in your lives and you still look like the Turkish entry
18:42So here's the question
18:44Can you unfreeze these guys but take them back in time so they have no memory of finding this I think so ma'am
18:50Why if we can smuggle this thing back on Red Dwarf it can make our prison terms pass in seconds leave this to me
18:57I have an excellent place to conceal it
19:20Oh
19:46It's not working is it give it a bit of time to get going
19:51Look
19:54Look
19:55It's working on this one. Yes, and here's another
20:02Another fan smegging tastic list eat. We're on our way. They're gonna do the whole damn room in minutes
20:08Hey, what's up into your sleeve man? What?
20:12Stop before my god, they're eating my clothes
20:20I
20:51I
21:01Thought we'd agree to refuse to talk just let me blame you first then I'll refuse to talk
21:06if I ever
21:08Ever see you in this office again, then you're in the hole. Is that what you want? No, sir. Well then
21:16Get out. Thank you, sir
21:20I
21:31Probably shouldn't have shaken your hand. So that was probably a mistake big mistake. I um, we'll we'll be going sir, right?
21:45So what about me athletes hand
21:50I
21:54Straight after lunch we set the ship with a two-year download of time and the records will show that we've served our sentences and
22:01Are free to be released. This machine's amazing. Do you think you can do boob jobs, too?
22:09You spill my soup, sorry Baxter number it was an accident
22:20I
22:41Hate to clean the bath out after him
22:43You need to send it to get rid of the tide mark and a leaf back to Hoover the hair
22:46Fix it fix it with the time log watch this
23:16Yeah, it's a brook sitting next to you
23:22You surely they call me bird man, all right, why is that because he really likes instant custard. Why do you think?
23:32This is Pete he's nine years old which in sparrow years is
23:39He's nine years old
23:41He's nine years old which in sparrow years is
23:46Nine years old
23:49So that makes him
23:52Nine
23:54Nine that's right. You met him before have you two months of this God
24:12I
24:22What happened to everyone a little frozen on the spot
24:27Yvonne Magruder went like this when I tried to kiss her
24:41Oh
24:50Sirs buddy
24:52This is bird man, and this is Pete
24:56That's machine that can digitize time and we can release jets of it
24:59And we reckon it can make our sentence pass in a nanosecond hats off sirs
25:08Something wrong with Pete what?
25:11He's gone all stiff
25:13He must have dropped the guards halftime juice
25:17Stiff he's dead the excitement of being free has killed him. He really loved that bed
25:24It was the only thing that kept him going. I
25:27Can't guarantee anything sir, but I think the time one could bring Pete back to life make him young and strong again watch
25:41Where
25:56The hell did Barney's ugly brother come from from Pete sir birds are descended from dinosaurs are from the theropod family
26:04I inadvertently reversed evolution several million years
26:12And there's no cat saying which has particular relevance here, it goes something like this we are all gonna die
26:38You want some seed
26:42That's a no then you see
26:47What now sir follow the rimmer shape blur
27:11Oh
27:41You