According to Jim
  • 6 months ago
Transcript
00:00You
00:30Oh
00:32Oh
00:56Gentlemen crack open a fresh pack of rubber pantaloons. We have a problem
01:02We're picking up a ship heading straight for us in an unmatched region of deep space
01:07Where?
01:08Here in region uncharted sector. No name quadrant nameless
01:18Message incoming
01:20I am speaking jmc second technician. Arnold judas
01:26Keep it zipped say nothing sound wise. We're going commando people
01:30That's in there
01:34I'm sorry guys. I tried to stay strong, but he broke me second technician rimmer
01:41I understand you have a crewman who falls under your jurisdiction
01:46A david lister right there, bud
01:52Sorry guys, he broke me again, what do you expect i'm not made of concrete
01:58I am combat droid four of badge 27
02:03We wish to conduct a transaction of goods with you. Well, you're simulants. You despise humans
02:09Why would you want to trade with us? You have something we want and we have something you want
02:16What a hostage?
02:18Taken from a human transport ship
02:22Allow me to show you
02:24We cannot negotiate with simulants we cannot cave into their insane demands
02:30Under no circumstances are jmc personnel permitted to negotiate with the enemy
02:37Guys it's me. They've taken me hostage. You've got to help me
02:44Of course that's what the jmc thing but who the hell listens to those pen pushers
02:47Is
02:51Here are our demands one second we need a moment
02:57What's going on here is that me how could it be me i'm here there are a number of options sir
03:04All involving you an all extremely bad
03:08I'm all ears
03:11Perhaps that person we saw is a different version of mr
03:15From an alternative dimension
03:17So if he dies not the end of the world or perhaps he's a clone of mr
03:22Rimmer produced somehow from his dna again if he dies not the end of the world or perhaps that man is you sir
03:30A you seized from the future and taken back into the past
03:35Again, if he dies not the end of the world
03:37So
03:43We've no choice we're gonna have to negotiate but we never negotiate with the enemy until today
03:50Well, if that's the way we're gonna roll let me handle negotiations
03:53You think i'm gonna leave the life of a possible future me in your hands?
03:57I've seen movies rimmer and not to talk to hostage takers. I've done jmc crisis negotiation lister
04:04I'm handling this now get me a pad and open comms. Okay on we're working on the pad
04:10But in return i'm gonna need something from you
04:14Wait a minute
04:16Are you just using your hostage negotiation techniques on me? Just get me a damn pad
04:22Okay, arnold we're working on the pad, but you gotta realize I can't pull a pad out of my ass in five minutes
04:28I've got to talk to my boss. They've got to talk to their boss. They've got to talk to the da
04:34Boss
04:36Here are our demands
04:39In return for the whiny human hologram man
04:43You will give us the casket of chronos
04:46Which you salvaged from our abandoned attack ship the a.s. Panatos the casket of what what's that?
04:53It contains the essence of 23 of 27
04:58I remember this it's upstairs in the rec room underneath the pool table for safekeeping
05:03Now to get the table level
05:06Go and get it. Oh, man. Now the pool table is gonna be all bend and wibbly again
05:19You have the casket of chronos, how do we know you won't betray us
05:24I am four of 27
05:2627 I am a warrior and high born. Who do you think I am three of 63?
05:35Three of 63 you're nothing like him then
05:39We trade
05:47Now what about the hostage
05:52Wait i'm being taken hostage
05:57Oh
05:59I'm back
06:01Thank god
06:02I was their hostage. I didn't think you were ever gonna save me. I was kind of hoping we weren't
06:09two seconds
06:10Two seconds for you
06:12But for me it was hours
06:14I overheard what they were saying that chronos casket didn't contain the spirit of anyone
06:20It was an amplifier they needed to plug into their temporal transporter to expand the beam
06:25What?
06:26They're exponoids. What the hell are exponoids droids capable of doubling their transistor power every two years
06:34They progress so rapidly. They became a threat to every living entity in the universe
06:39Who are they planning to travel back into the past to change the present? That's a bit old hat, isn't it?
06:45How many times we've seen that before exponoids are unemotional cold-hearted psychopaths
06:52They will have no hesitation using hackneyed old cliches if it suits their purpose
06:58Well, if they've come back into the past to screw around with human evolution, how come i'm still here maybe you didn't qualify
07:09Look at the scanner
07:10They're accelerating
07:12Preparing to time jump. We need to get after them stop whatever they're doing
07:17And get that chronos machine back so we can utilize its time travel abilities ourselves
07:22No, so we can prop the pool table back up
07:27We haven't got a second to lose if we hurry we can time surf on their slipstream
07:47Oh planet up ahead i'm detecting some kind of electron wavelet approaching at speed
07:59We've lost navigation and steering and monitors and me
08:05I think what he was about to say was we're both
08:08Oh, the electrics are down
08:10What the hell's happening? We're crashing. That's what the hell's happening now breaks
08:14Do you think this is a good time to make it back to the party
08:45Oh
08:47Oh
09:11Brighton couldn't be more fried if it was a mars bar living in scotland
09:16Runner is out, too
09:18every cloud
09:21What the hell happened we got hit by some sort of
09:26Electromagnetic pulse weapon. It's taken out the grid and drained everything connected to it
09:32We need to reboot
09:34using the auxiliary drives
09:36I
09:44Just get which one's positive which one's negative
09:56Don't get them mixed up bud we'll wind up with nipples that look like two barbecued flavored knickknacks
10:02It was nothing
10:05Okay starter up
10:17Sir what happened crying stand up and walk up and down really fast recharge your dynamo get going
10:24And don't stop till you're fully charged
10:27close hatches
10:29so embarrassing
10:32Oh
10:34What happened I think we got hit by one of those pnts
10:40And where are the exponoids
10:42There's no sign of this ship and there's no sign of them right any theories
10:47Well, according to the monitor they too landed here, but due to the curvature of space-time
10:54Several years have elapsed in the time. It took us to get here
10:58You've got to find them and get that cronuts machine
11:03Well, the vibrations in our life those three tells us there's some kind of township not far from here
11:15Are we there yet not far now sirs
11:17Is
11:22Real people
11:23I'm, gonna be seeing real people again
11:26gas street lighting
11:28steam powered right-hand drive motor vehicles
11:32Technology wise this time period doesn't correlate with anything in my database
11:38Any theories crites not at this juncture, sir
11:42Why do you always ask him if he's got any theories i'm acting stand-in commanding senior premier officer
11:49Why do you never ask me?
11:51Maybe i've got a theory. Maybe i've got a really great theory
11:54But you're always too busy asking him to find out how great my theory really is
12:00Okay, any theories from no
12:05It's the principle look at that
12:09Closed for violation of the prohibition act prohibition. That was the 1920s
12:15Yeah
12:16When alcohol was banned and the bootleggers took over dark days
12:20Society run by a bunch of hoodlum gangsters dark days. Indeed. I was thinking more about the booze ban
12:27Whatever they prohibited around there. It ain't booze. Look at that
12:31Well, it's not booze. They prohibited. What is it? According to this leaflet the year is
12:361952
12:38Nearly two decades after prohibition ended
12:43Hey, what's going on? Get him. Hey, don't move
12:51Well, lookie here illegal
12:53Time for me
13:03That's the penalty for toast what the hell do you get for pizza
13:07It's not the toast that's illegal, sir. It's the technology
13:12That's why that electron wavelet shut down starbuck
13:16Any technology beyond the 1920s?
13:18There's a legal round here
13:21You
13:23Unless of course you're an exponoid
13:25The exponoids haven't traveled into the past to change the presence
13:29They travel into the past to enslave humanity
13:32By doing what?
13:34By traveling to a point in history where we haven't got the technology to defeat them or defend ourselves
13:40And they plan for it to stay that way. Hence the tech ban
13:44A tech ban, which means you sir are illegal. Yes
13:48I may move here
13:53He's not the only one who's illegal so am I
13:59You know the penalty looks like they're gonna shoot them. Hey
14:05Hey
14:16Is he dead he's moaning can you blame him he's just been shot
14:22You see what happened
14:23Yeah, we saw we'll get you a doctor
14:26It's too late
14:28I ain't gonna make it
14:29here
14:31Peter delivery
14:32You want a pizza now
14:35A rug pocket
14:41The lady be good club
14:45Here ask for a harmony de gutier and give her this
14:54What is it it appears to be some kind of machine part sir
15:03We've got to get this lady be good club dress like this we gotta get some clothes
15:25Have you done this before this is the only way to get home sometimes but i'm not stopping money playing taxes hold them
15:32I know what's wrong. I was young. I was stupid. What do you know when you're seven?
15:40Stealing cars at the age of seven, why didn't you take the bus?
15:45Hot wire a bus I was seven just wasn't up to it
15:49Catching the bus what's wrong with catching the bus home from school?
15:53Who mentioned school? I was off shoplifting
15:56Don't look at me like that. I've been on the straight and narrow since I was nine
16:00Nine ten
16:04Right eleven
16:27This must be it
16:30There's no buzzer
16:31tech can
16:33Allow me sirs. I am well versed in the ancient human signaling technique. That was all the rage before
16:41Electromagnetism was discovered and the electric buzzer took off now if memory serves
16:52We're out
16:55I'll handle this
16:57Americans love the english accent so that rules out lister
17:03They're particularly impressed by people who say whom a lot
17:10I bid you good evening stout fellow my companions whom stand before you require information about a personage
17:18To whom I understand frequents your establishment and who goes by the name harmony de gutierre
17:25Are whom acquainted with said lady
17:29You've been drinking the giggle water if you ain't members beat it
17:39Listen buddy
17:42You know, you got standing out here
17:44Not so cold. You can serve him up on a martini cocktail
17:49lucky
17:50No middle name
17:52Listerano
17:54Listerano
17:56Ain't you got no lugs I said blow
18:01Wait listerano
18:03He ain't related to the scientist joseph lister, is he uncle joe? Of course I am
18:12Straight down the stairs first of all left
18:25One s two s
18:32What is this place
18:34it appears to be some sort of illicit science club a place where bootleg professors and
18:41Astrophysicists get together to create a legal tech and discuss outlawed scientific theories
18:48You boys want company?
18:50We're looking for a harmony de gutierre. Hey, huh? There's a bunny here wants to get acquainted
18:59So, uh, you want to grab a drink first or you want to go somewhere quiet and discuss relativity
19:06For an extra 10 bucks i'll do both general and special
19:11No, that's that's not why i'm here you into electrons
19:16Is that what pings your microwave? You want to watch me do the double slit test?
19:20And experience the probabilistic nature of quantum mechanics
19:25What
19:26No
19:27Every guy likes particles that turn into waves, right? Or maybe you're more in the mood for some copenhagen interpretation
19:35You know what i'm talking about where subatomic events are only perceptible as indeterministic physically discontinuous transitions between discrete
19:43stationary states
19:45But we're not here to do science with you, okay
19:50I'll wear a tweed suit and sensible shoes if that revs up your engine
19:55We're here for something else. Hey, I don't do the big bang
20:00That's feral
20:07And if you're looking for a unified field theory, I ain't your gal
20:11Look we've been sent here to deliver some gizmo. We've got told you my help. This is the capacitor
20:18The cops get the mitts on this
20:20We're deader than galileo's theory of tides
20:24So, who are you
20:26Just some guys from the future looking to help
20:29So what does that thing do? It fits into this
20:33But how I don't know it's on my area
20:36You were just keeping it safe. Exactly. No one goes up there
20:41So
20:43What does this thing do it infiltrates the electron wavelet and redirects it creating an emp to destroy the
20:50Exponoids you got it any clear they go together. We're all theoretical
20:57And all the scientists still active have been driven underground no one's exactly rah-rah about getting sent to old steamy
21:04So there's no scientists around who can put this thing together
21:08Just the bums and palookas who fell apart when they couldn't practice science, where are they they spend all day drinking themselves goofy
21:16Einstein hubble and edison
21:18But you only get phonus boulonis out of those screwballs
21:22They're spifflicated morning noon and night
21:25Did you say einstein as in albert einstein? Sure
21:29He's half goofy now screaming at people who aren't there walking around the park pushing a pram full of string
21:38He's got some theory about it, but no one will listen
21:44Pram theory
21:50Einstein's one of the most brilliant minds that ever lived he can do anything. You think i'm just off the boat
21:57Well, where will we find him at this time? Probably on the corner of hope street with the other blueys
22:09Hey
22:11Man is that your pram? Yes, sir. Allow me to introduce myself
22:19Who the hell are you?
22:20acting senior officer arnold rimmer from the mining ship red dwarf
22:25I have to say at school. I always loved the bit of science bunsen burners brilliant dropping sodium into water
22:32all that fizzing marvelous
22:35Oh
22:37And congratulations on what was it again the theory of relativity sir the theory of relativity
22:45I don't know what you're talking about
22:48Of course
22:49Of course in this world. He hasn't achieved anything
22:52So, how can he help us? He'll still be a genius whatever problem we give him. He'll be able to solve
22:59Come on, let's get i need the whiny back to the lady. Be good
23:03It's my problem my pram you leave the string alone. Yes, don't take my string
23:10You leave my string alone
23:14You won't touch your string it's your string do you mind getting a mistake with string fries or something?
23:27Now here's the problem
23:29You gotta get this into this somehow how you think I know
23:35I don't know
23:38Yes, you do and you know why because you're a genius you can do this I can do this
23:44We realize electrics isn't strictly einstein's field, but we thought he was so incredibly brilliant
23:49He'd be able to figure it out. You ain't gonna get nothing out of this gutter muncher. Oh, why not?
23:55Because this bird ain't einstein
23:59He's just some old bum who pushes around a pram full of string you got it
24:05We haven't been introduced
24:08I am bob the bum
24:15So you want to know if I can get this potato into this potato
24:24I'll get right onto it
24:27I didn't realize I was so brilliant
24:33Cubs coming down the alley
24:57Find something to do don't look suspicious
25:15I can do this. I'm brilliant
25:21Okay, everybody quiet this is a raid
25:26Hey drinking and dancing in illegal. What's the beef?
25:29Harmony de goutier now, that's one fancy stage name, but you ain't fooling. No one professor
25:37baldwin
25:40That's who you are right a dirty no good scientist will discuss theoretical physics with anyone
25:46So long as the funding's right
25:51I'm out of the science game now
25:53See, I ain't such a peach edition monk
25:58How dense do you think I am you really want to know just divide your mass by your volume
26:08Hey, what the hell happened to your face who me I went bobbing for apples in the cement mixer
26:16I
26:24Just play in the band ma'am. Oh, and what about you? Are you a scientist?
26:38You think a scientist could tap dance like that
26:46Oh
26:52Come you're drinking out of an hour Lamaya flask they've been doing science you busted
27:05We nailed a couple of white coats boss
27:08We think they know something about the screwy contraption machine. The resistance bunnies been working on to whack you guys
27:17So
27:20We meet again, you really don't mind a hackneyed old cliche do you?
27:29You know, we're really not so different you and I
27:35Now you're taking this Mac
27:38What is it you want human beings in the distant future
27:42Realize that humanity was not mature enough to handle modern technology
27:47And so we were created to prevent that version of the future from ever happening
27:55We are the good guys here
27:59But you kill people no one said that we couldn't have a little fun
28:07So what happens to us are you gonna kill us too I wasn't planning to but you know
28:13That's a really good idea
28:20Actually human blood isn't cold. It's around thirty seven point five degrees centigrade
28:27There to die
28:29human scum
28:31You said you were a highball a droid of distinction a real big spender
28:38It's so much better than that other droid what was his name three of 63 did someone say my name
28:48So you're three of 63
29:02Just leave it three of 63 it's not worth it
29:07You were slagging me off behind my back
29:12Remember we were going through that bad patch
29:16You'll know better than 18 of 241
29:26Potato makes potato
29:38You are brilliant, just like you said
29:41We don't have much time this place will be swarming with exponoids in no time
29:46If I can hook this to the transmitter, we can send the signal worldwide and wipe out all the mechs
29:53We have to detonate it. There's no choice
29:56No, mr. Don't you see once the exponoids are gone. You can stay here. We'll no longer be trapped together
30:04I'll lose Crichton. Listen to me, sir. Mr. Rimmer is speaking only about what is best for you
30:10As obviously detonating a global EMP will destroy him, too
30:20Take me out to anything electrical my hair straighteners
30:26I already detonated it while you two were yakkin. You got 15 minutes to scram
30:33I
30:49Activating the Kronos machine
30:51Sir, we're gonna hit some turf at 37,000 feet any chance we can go a shorter route not according to Pythagoras
30:58Yeah, well Pythagoras wasn't much of a pilot
31:02Leave this to me
31:18I learned a few things stay crying really sir
31:21What about when it seems to me as humans better be on our toes make sure we don't lose ourselves
31:27And let technology take over
31:29I'll make a note sir and remind you if you ever appear to be in danger arms. Yeah
31:37Shoo
31:42Saki
31:43Other sake don't rely on machines Crichton or else we lose the very thing that makes us human
31:51open
31:59Oh
32:29You