Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00What happened to everyone?
00:07They've all frozen on the spot.
00:10Yvonne Magruder went like this when I tried to kiss her.
00:14This is driving me crazy.
00:17We've found a machine that can digitise time and we can release jets of it.
00:31It seems to have restored your hair to a previous time period to the rest of you.
00:35It was an accident.
00:39A bovril.
00:45Fix it with the time wand.
00:47Watch this.
00:55And this is Pete.
00:58The excitement of being free has killed him.
01:01He really loved that bed. It was the only thing that kept him going.
01:05I can't guarantee anything, sir, but I think the time wand could bring Pete back to life,
01:10make him young and strong again. Watch.
01:59Where the hell did Barney's ugly brother come from?
02:02From Pete, sir. Birds are descended from dinosaurs, from the theropod family.
02:07I inadvertently reversed evolution several million years.
02:11Is that true, Pete?
02:13Batman!
02:16What now, sir?
02:18Follow the rimmer-shaped blur.
02:22Rimmer-shaped blur.
02:52Pete! Eat meat! Here!
02:56Bob! Bob, catch!
03:05Bob!
03:14Bob!
03:22Bob, I'm crying, are you?
03:37Live it, Mozart.
03:41We've lost the time wand.
03:43How the hell are we going to get rid of that thing now?
03:46We're finished!
03:49Come on, man, we've got to think our way out of this.
03:52We're finished!
03:54Shut up and get a grip, man.
03:56I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It was just I was...
03:59Look, I'm better now. Can I just say one thing?
04:02Yeah, go on.
04:03We're finished!
04:05Paul, I need some advice, mate.
04:07We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow,
04:10and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in its stomach.
04:13What's your take on the situation?
04:15Woody what, the long or the short version?
04:17Plonk, you're finished.
04:26What's the short version?
04:28Bye.
04:31Croyton? Yes, ma'am?
04:33How long in the normal course of things will it take for Pete
04:36to pass the time wand out of his system?
04:39Strangely enough, ma'am, I don't have that information in my database.
04:43My programmers, for some insane reason,
04:45believe that dinosaur bowel movement frequency tables
04:48wouldn't be required, imbeciles.
04:51I got your suggestion.
04:53Well, the quicker we get the time wand back, the better, right?
04:55Right.
04:56Right, so why don't we lure Pete into the food bay
05:00and get him to eat some roughage?
05:02Get a T-Rex to eat roughage?
05:05Yeah, all-brown prunes, baked beans on toast, that sort of stuff.
05:09We can't get Lister to eat that sort of stuff.
05:11They're not a seven-tonne dinosaur.
05:13The more roughage, the quicker we get the time wand back.
05:16Have you got any better ideas?
05:18Yes, I have got a better idea, actually. I'm going to kill myself.
05:25We've got to keep this dinosaur business quiet or we're dead.
05:29Keep him quiet?
05:31He's rampaging about the food decks,
05:33making more noise than two yodelling champions on honeymoon.
05:37Everyone on the ship will have heard him by now.
05:39Sir, the crew are frozen, operating on a different time stream.
05:43If we can recapture the time wand and turn Pete back into a sparrow
05:47before the freeze expires, no-one need be anything wiser.
05:50He's right. I just listened to everything he said
05:53and I still ain't got a clue what's happening.
06:09WHIRRING
06:16Right over, sir.
06:18Come on, Mr Captain. Right over.
06:28Cow vindaloo.
06:30It's not going to work.
06:32Of course it's going to work.
06:34T-Rexes don't like curry.
06:36They're hard, aren't they? Of course they like curries.
06:40If a T-Rex was a bloke, he'd be a Geordie.
06:42The kind of guy who wears T-shirts in the middle of winter
06:45and his nipples don't even get hard.
06:50A seven-ton theropod is not going to eat Indian food.
06:53They like flesh, preferably living,
06:55liberally coated in blood with a side order of intestines
06:58and an extra portion of blood.
07:00A bit like the French in that respect.
07:03Look, we've got nothing to lose.
07:05And if the worst comes to the worst and the dino doesn't eat it,
07:08I'll scoff at meself.
07:12That door's not going to hold out much longer.
07:14If only that damn T-Rex felt like I do now,
07:17he wouldn't even need a curry.
07:25Don't put that stuff in. You're going to spoil the taste.
07:28Here he comes.
07:33GROWLING
07:49It's loving it.
07:54Maybe we should have made some poppadoms.
07:57On the whole hog.
07:59A whole hog?
08:01Isn't one enough getting the whole cow?
08:06Think he wants a lager?
08:21It was a hot one.
08:23But with it being a dino, I thought I could stand it.
08:31GROWLING
08:41The time freeze on the guards must have...
08:43If only those buttons were more clearly marked.
09:02The rules on dinosaurs aboard JMC mining ships are very clear.
09:07No pets.
09:09Am I right?
09:11Am I right?
09:13Yes, sir.
09:14Have you any idea the damage that thing has caused?
09:18No, sir.
09:20It has eaten our entire supply,
09:22two and a half tons of mint chalk ice cream.
09:27I love mint chalk ice cream.
09:29And that damn dino has eaten every last bit.
09:32We were just trying to get the time wand back, sir.
09:34It has also eaten 400 crates of orange ice pops
09:39and drank all the Coca-Cola.
09:41Guess what?
09:43You love orange ice pops and Coca-Cola.
09:45I love orange ice pops and Coca-Cola.
09:48Sir, if you could just let us...
09:50And you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo
09:55then eats two and a half tons of mint chalk ice cream
09:59followed by 400 crates of orange ice pops
10:02and swills the whole thing down
10:04with 2,000 gallons of a popular fizzy drink?
10:08Do you know what happens?
10:11It burps.
10:13Oh, it burps.
10:15And do you know what happened to the poor, brave men
10:18who had the misfortune to get in the way of that burp?
10:23They went...
10:27It took out the entire platoon,
10:30hurling them 20 feet across the cargo bay wall.
10:34Sir, I hope this one small dinosaur incident
10:36won't tarnish an otherwise flawless service record, sir.
10:41Do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo,
10:45two and a half tons of mint chalk ice cream,
10:48followed by 400 crates of orange ice pops
10:51and swills it all down
10:53with 2,000 gallons of a popular fizzy drink
10:56after it's burped?
10:58It feels sick.
11:00Oh, no. It doesn't feel sick, Remer.
11:03It is sick.
11:05Five of our best men nearly drowned.
11:10Two others are in hospital,
11:12concussed by pieces of carrot the size of tree trunks.
11:17We are really deeply, deeply, deeply sorry, sir.
11:21Do you know what happens when a dinosaur has eaten cow vindaloo,
11:25then eats two and a half tons of mint chalk ice cream,
11:29followed by...
11:30Oh, God, it didn't.
11:32It didn't what, Lister?
11:34It didn't get a diarrhea attack today.
11:37100% correct.
11:40And do you know what happened to the battalion
11:43sneaking up on the beast from behind,
11:48of which I was a proud member?
11:51Do you know?
11:53Do you know what happened?
11:56Got a fair idea, sir.
11:57Yes, sir. Fair idea, sir.
11:59A tidal wave.
12:0115 feet high.
12:04I will be in therapy for the rest of my life.
12:07I've had 12 baths and three showers.
12:10Do you have anything to say?
12:13Yes, sir. I think you missed a bit of your left nostril, sir.
12:19Nobody knows how to work this thing.
12:22It is sedated in the cargo bay.
12:24Turn it back into a sparrow.
12:27Sir, um...
12:29What about Bob Diddy's shovel?
12:31Who the hell do you think landed on my head?
12:34He is in repairs, being oiled.
12:37Bring back the sparrow.
12:40And if you try anything smart, you're dead.
12:43Yes, sir.
12:45And if I ever, ever, ever
12:49see you in this office again,
12:51you are finished.
12:55See you in ten minutes?
13:01See you in ten minutes?
13:07See you in ten minutes?
13:12See you in ten minutes?
13:17See you in ten minutes?
13:22See you in ten minutes?
13:26You get punishment duty too?
13:28I've got to iron 800 prison smocks.
13:31I don't understand.
13:33Why do you get punishment duty and I get a reward?
13:37800 plus?
13:40Did you see the captain's report?
13:42The one lying open on his desk?
13:44See what it said about you.
13:46He used the word imbecile four times in one sentence.
13:50Oh, yeah?
13:52What were the other words in the sentence?
13:54Just your name and a dash.
13:58I don't know. You make a couple of tiny mistakes.
14:01You give the captain a virus that eats all his hair off.
14:04Then you accidentally turn a sparrow into a dinosaur
14:07and you never hear the last of it.
14:10He really thinks I'm an imbecile?
14:12I'm finished. I'm never going to make it into high command now.
14:15It's just the people who know you who think you're an imbecile.
14:18Everyone else thinks you're a moron.
14:21He is a good captain, though, Captain Hollister, isn't he?
14:24On the ball, quick.
14:26Quick? The only time he's quick is when he's passing a salad bar.
14:30You do admire him, though, don't you?
14:32Admire him?
14:34A man who has his own cinema pick-and-mix factory in his quarters?
14:38A man who has a walk-in fridge?
14:41Who lists as his hobby is chewing and swallowing?
14:45You did tell me once before, though, you do respect him, don't you?
14:49Respect him?
14:51A man whose family crest is made up of two cream buns and a profiterole?
14:55A man whose idea of a light snack is standing behind me, isn't he?
14:58Yes, he is.
15:01I was just talking about you, sir.
15:03I was saying what a big fat lump of blubber I think you are.
15:06And how that potato virus I contracted yesterday
15:08doesn't appear to have had any strange side effects whatsoever.
15:21You forgot this.
15:23You forgot this.
15:25You left it in my office.
15:27Do you have any idea the damage that this could cause
15:30if it got into the wrong hands?
15:32Look after it!
15:49You're there. I know you're there, you little sod.
15:52Come on, out! Out!
15:58There's a mouse under here.
16:00It's been scuttling around for about ten minutes.
16:02It's not a mouse, ma'am. It's Archie.
16:04Archie?
16:06My penis. Must have escaped.
16:11You know, I'm really going to have to get my ears syringed.
16:14Do you know what that sounded like to me?
16:16I made one.
16:19Forget my ears. Maybe my whole brain needs syringing.
16:22You made one?
16:24Out of an old electron board, a loo roll,
16:26some sticky back plastic,
16:28and an action man's polo neck jumper.
16:31Why do you want one?
16:33It's so humiliating being posted to the women's wing
16:36just because I'm genitally challenged.
16:38So I decided to make one like Mr Lister's.
16:40Little rascal must have got bored jumping in and out of his hoop
16:43and made a break for it during the night.
16:46No wonder I couldn't lure him out with a bit of cheese.
16:49This whole thing's making sense now.
16:51Just leave this to me, ma'am.
16:53Here, Archie. Here, boy.
16:55There he is.
17:11Crichton, do you realise what this means?
17:13No, ma'am.
17:14It means you're a real man.
17:16It does? Why?
17:17Because now, like all men,
17:19you have absolutely no control over your penis.
17:23I'm so proud.
17:25Archie, come back!
17:28All right, girls.
17:30New canary mission.
17:32What?
17:33On tape dino, on the loose.
17:38We're not going in till we know what we're doing.
17:42That could take years.
17:44If you point that thing at yourself by mistake
17:46and you could wind up as a sperm,
17:48is that what you want?
17:50Hell no. None of my suits will fit.
17:53Well, if that gizmo thing don't work,
17:55Captain says we've got to go in and have that T-Rex.
17:57And we ain't using no guns.
17:59Guns are for wusses.
18:01It's going to be answer and combat.
18:07A fist fight with a T-Rex.
18:09Yeah, but them T-Rexes, mate,
18:11only got little arms, innit?
18:13Ain't got no reach.
18:15Here, I'll just pick it off.
18:22Can't reach anything with them little arms.
18:25That's probably why they're always a bit grumpy.
18:40Oh, my God!
18:42What?
18:44Something's wrong.
18:46What do you mean, man?
18:48Something's inside me and it wants to get out.
18:50Oh, my God!
18:52Oh, my God!
18:58What is it?
19:00I think it's Archie, sir.
19:04It's who?
19:06It escaped earlier, probably lost it.
19:08Must have dozed off in the cat's pocket
19:10and just woke up.
19:12Who the smeg is Archie?
19:14Don't be alarmed, sir.
19:16Just my penis is on the loose.
19:29We want a Barney with Barney.
19:32Don't want any sane people spoiling it.
19:35Death or glory.
19:38Hang on, guys, come on, wait a minute.
19:48This thing's useless.
19:51Say goodbye to your teeth.
19:57See that, right? We get our butts kicked and it doesn't hurt.
20:02See, look, they're not even bleeding.
20:06You're right.
20:19According to this, sirs,
20:21they put your bodies on a different time stream to the rest of you.
20:23Let's go.
20:36MUSIC STOPS
20:45You lost the time wand?
20:49We were ambushed, sir.
20:51By whom?
20:53Well, first of all, by Crite.
20:55And then we were jumped by...
20:57Sir.
20:59That's it?
21:01OK.
21:03No more second chances.
21:05You get that time wand back,
21:07you get that sparrow back,
21:09and if you step out of line one more time,
21:12one more time, you're dead.
21:15Do you understand?
21:27What was that?
21:29I fit...
21:33I fit...
21:39What the hell is going on?
21:43In fact, it's the fight they've caught up with us.
21:49Get out of here, both of you!
21:51Out!
22:04Getting that time wand back, it took forever.
22:07They can zap us with it and turn us into anything.
22:14I don't think getting it back is going to be much of a problem.
22:17I don't think getting it back is going to be much of a problem.
22:35It's going to go wrong, isn't it?
22:37We've got the Jews press on due,
22:39and the time wand will retrace its steps
22:41and undo everything it's done so far.
22:43This way we'll even get Birdman back.
22:45He's got something else for us.
22:47Will you relax?
22:52Birdman's boots.
22:54Now to get the rest of him back.
23:01Pete ate me.
23:03He ate me.
23:05He must be really out of sorts.
23:07He's never eaten me before.
23:10Never.
23:16You want some seed?
23:19Now destroy the time wand.
23:21This machine's priceless.
23:23Destroy it.
23:46What are we going to do now?
23:48Now rebuild the time wand.
23:52It's absolutely priceless.
24:16Just...
24:24Stop that dinosaur.
24:28Let's go on the lift. Let's go on the lift.
24:30Get it back. Get it back.
24:32Oh, that coconut milk felt great.
24:45Such a wreck.
25:05Oh, that's great.
25:10Oh, there's a certain roughness about your touch
25:13that really hits the spot.
25:43Oh, that's great.
25:59The holser.
26:13The holser.
26:15The holser.
26:17The holser.
26:19The holser.
26:21The holser.
26:23The holser.
26:25The holser.
26:27The holser.
26:29The holser.
26:31The holser.
26:33The holser.
26:35The holser.
26:37The holser.
26:39The holser.
26:41The holser.
26:43The holser.
26:45The holser.
26:47The holser.
26:49The holser.
26:51The holser.
26:53The holser.
26:55The holser.
26:57The holser.
26:59The holser.
27:01The holser.
27:03The holser.
27:05The holser.
27:07The holser.