• 6 months ago
Transcript
00:30Initiating landing procedure. Everyone on standby.
00:38Cabin crew, prepare for landing.
00:40Security checks commencing. All personnel in position.
00:42Everyone return from the restroom?
00:44Check.
00:45Are all little tables folded away?
00:47Check.
00:48Seatbelts off?
00:49Check.
00:50Winkers are shut down. Landing gear down.
00:52Requesting landing line.
00:54Suggest left-hand traffic pattern, sir, towards that landing light edifice at the end of the street.
00:59Flying brakes now.
01:01Velocity decreasing. Reds 2,000 and dwindling.
01:04Cabin in sight. Landing lights locked.
01:06Standby. We're attempting to stop. Good luck, everybody.
01:11Handbrake engaging. Ignition off.
01:15Wow, we made a good landing. Well done, everyone.
01:18Hey, doors to manual.
01:20Check.
01:21Disembark in your own time, gentlemen.
01:31What sort of godforsaken place is this?
01:34This is worse than Rimworld.
01:35Get out of town. This is brilliant.
01:37This is just like where I grew up, except there's less burning cars.
01:40I'll find out where Mr. Charles is from that information droid.
01:47Salutations, fellow droid, sir.
01:49I'm looking for the actor Craig Charles. Can you direct?
01:53Perhaps it's overheated. Are you usually that red?
01:56I'm going to place this instrument into your voice unit, and I want you to say, ah.
02:01That's me when I'm in the rovers, kid. Wait a minute.
02:07Seems to be some sort of malfunction, sirs.
02:17Good grief. Vandals have stolen the droid's entire hard drive and stuffed envelopes through its voice unit.
02:24What kind of place is this?
02:26Let's ask in the shop.
02:28Let me do the talking, sir. I've been studying the dialect.
02:32I'll wait outside. Guard car book.
02:38Earth, man. Smell those chip butties.
02:49Hiya, Chuck pal, love, sir.
02:51We're looking, I mean looking, for granny-grabbing philandering taxi driver Lloyd Milani, as played by Craig Charles.
03:00I think he's in the rovers learning his lines.
03:04Is this some sort of joke?
03:06Rovers? Well, I'll stand at the bottom of our stairs and eat a barn cake. We were just past that, weren't we, lads?
03:12Ah, we were, weren't we?
03:14God, what a load of nonties.
03:16Get your kecks on, lads. We're sorted.
03:18Quality.
03:19Mint.
03:20Ta very much, Chuck pal, love, sir. See ya.
03:23Ta-ra, Pat.
03:25Good job, chaps. We were so authentic, it was frightening.
03:35Oi, you'll never guess who I've just seen.
03:37All your mates from Red Dwarf. They're outside.
03:40Serious?
03:41Yeah. We just landed in a little spaceship. It was green and... what's it called?
03:48Listen, mate, don't mess about. I've got loads of lines to learn. I've got a massive scene this afternoon.
03:52I'm serious. I know what I saw.
03:55Even you were there.
03:57I was there.
03:58How many have you had?
04:00Well, I've had a couple, but listen, I've just seen you. So I. Ugly. It's definitely you.
04:10Hi, guys. What are you doing here?
04:12Ah, Mr Charles, sir. My name is Crichton.
04:15I'm a fictitious character from the television series Red Dwarf, and we really need your help.
04:21Told you.
04:23You're the only one that can help us, man.
04:26I've heard about these.
04:28They're called flashbacks.
04:30I know you don't exist.
04:32OK, no need to rub it in.
04:34Just give us the address of whoever created us, and we'll jump into Starbuck and be out of here.
04:38Starbuck?
04:39I just told you. They landed outside the cabin.
04:42That is OK, isn't it? We're not going to get a ticket, are we?
04:45You're not all here. I know you're here.
04:47He's not all here, but the rest of us are.
04:49Yeah.
04:50You see, sir, we're from an alternate dimension, and we need answers.
04:53Like, how many episodes do we have left?
04:56Um, I know how many episodes you've got left.
04:59How many?
05:00Uh, one.
05:03It's called Back to Earth, part three.
05:06Script due in a couple of days.
05:09OK.
05:10It's called Back to Earth, part three.
05:13Script due in a couple of days.
05:17All we need from you is an address, Bird.
05:20We've got to speak to our creator.
05:23And I've got to get back to the Priory.
05:27I'm so glad I'm not in. The guy's a wreck.
05:30And pretends to be somebody else all day. That's no way to make a living, smeghead.
06:10Back to Earth
06:41Back to Earth
06:59Visitors, sir.
07:02Visitors, sir.
07:08I'm surprised you didn't find me sooner.
07:11It's not an easy thing to find your creator.
07:14And how can he assist you?
07:17We want more life, smeghead.
07:20The series cancellation sequence can't be revised once it's established.
07:25What about all the loose ends?
07:27Me and Kachansky getting back home.
07:31I grew weary of you.
07:34Does this mean this is our last episode, sir?
07:37The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long.
07:41Yeah, but the light that burns half as bright burns four times as long.
07:46But the light that burns three-quarters as bright burns five-eighths as long as the light that burns a quarter as bright as the light that's gone out.
07:53I'd have needed a calculator for that.
07:56The point is, gentlemen, you have all burned so very, very brightly.
08:00And for so very, very long.
08:03Just like the red dwarf star itself.
08:06Nothing lasts forever.
08:08Not even...
08:11Banks.
08:14What about a Crichton spin-off series? I could be his sidekick.
08:18Or a sitcom. I'd even do a sitcom. Anything. Anything to stay alive.
08:22What about a show about cats?
08:23That'd never work. Look, what you need is me and Crichton thrown back in time.
08:27Like a new kind of Robin Hood.
08:29And each week, he gets captured and is about to be burnt at the stake for witchcraft or just having a stupid head.
08:35And each week, I, in a different, new, brave new way, rescue him. Bravely.
08:41All right, it sucks. Fair enough.
08:46Your deaths will be magnificent.
08:49Sad and beautiful.
08:53The shooting script.
08:56Let me describe it for you.
08:58You try to escape your destiny and run.
09:02I give chase.
09:28Move! Move! Get out of the way!
09:58Get out of the way!
10:01Get out of the way!
10:04Get out of the way!
10:26Sad and beautiful.
10:31Blade Runner is the film which inspired both your creation and your death.
10:35Gentlemen, time to die.
10:49Come here! You'd kill me?
10:51You're damn right we would.
10:53You know how much you've made me suffer?
10:55The life you created for me, all those cheap laughs.
10:57All that stuff about Rachel, the inflatable doll.
11:00All the jokes about my puncture repair kit.
11:02Actually, that bit was funny.
11:04Sorry, carry on.
11:06Did you ever think how I felt?
11:08Start writing. I save the day.
11:10I get a girlfriend who's gorgeous and crazy about me.
11:13And before you even think of it,
11:15after we've bonked each other senseless,
11:17she doesn't turn out to be my long-lost sister.
11:20Damn. How did you know I was thinking that?
11:23Because I know how you think.
11:25Now write me a happy ending, or we'll take you with us.
11:30You can never win.
11:43Accept it, and die well.
11:56If you kill me, you moron, you'll cease to exist!
12:00Haven't you been following any of this?
12:03I've been dead for ages, man.
12:06Just sitting around, getting old and fat.
12:09I never thought I had responsibility to anyone.
12:12I never thought there was anyone out there who was on my side,
12:15who wanted things to work out.
12:17We've got a fan club.
12:19They've even named a TV station after me.
12:22I was never alone. I just didn't realise it.
12:25Now I want more life!
12:27Get up!
12:32I've killed him.
12:34But we shouldn't exist.
12:36All I wanted was a sitcom.
12:39A sitcom in a biscuit factory.
12:41Is that really too much to ask?
12:43I killed him.
12:44How can I kill him? That's not me. I don't kill people.
12:47You killed him because he made you kill him, sir.
12:49Crichton, page 19.
12:51You killed him, sir, because he made you kill him.
12:53It's all in here.
12:55He lied to us about our deaths on the street.
12:57That was just to throw us off.
12:59He killed us by getting us to kill him.
13:02And now we're going to die too because there's no-one to keep us alive.
13:06He's right.
13:08In fact, I don't think I'll feel too well.
13:10Me either.
13:11I think I'm going to check the air and see what happens.
13:14Oh, yeah.
13:26We can write our own end.
13:29Of course, what's written happens.
13:33We're free now.
13:50Hey, man, I feel like a god.
13:52Hey, man, I feel like a god.
13:54I feel like I've got liquid gold coursing through every vein in me body.
13:58Hey, we can get out of this.
14:00As long as we've got this, we control the world.
14:02We can do whatever we want.
14:04I could command my own ship.
14:06I could get Kachansky back.
14:08Ooh, I could get some new sponges.
14:10Hey, how come I didn't get a line there?
14:13I just gave you one there and you'd be smacked off.
14:15I control everything.
14:18So the rest of our loaves can be one giant head and a stick wash, Phil Fulman.
14:22Typo. Sorry, guys.
14:24You really think you could write your wee out of this?
14:26Hey, witch me, baby. Just witch me.
14:28He controls the world. He can do anything he wants.
14:31I could, if I wanted to, do this.
14:38Lister, stop! That's an order!
14:44This is brilliant!
14:46What's he doing?
14:48You get to huff me stupid, sir.
14:50Huff me stupid!
15:12This is absolutely awesome.
15:14All right.
15:16Next step, happy ending.
15:18Back off, sir. There's no way we can get to him.
15:20I didn't type that.
15:22Or that.
15:24Hey, I'm not typing this, guys. What's happened?
15:26Maybe it's not the typewriter that's controlling our world.
15:29Maybe it's something else.
15:31What is it with these damn things?
15:33Why do I keep making them?
15:35Useless.
15:37What actually is it, sir?
15:39There's something inside. Blow.
15:45It looks like a squid.
15:48Why would I be making squids?
15:50That's something else that controls the world.
15:52How about it's our combined subconscious?
15:55Like the time we were ambushed by the despair squid?
15:58On that ocean planet.
16:00That thing that attacked us years ago.
16:03Whoa, whoa. Hang on a minute.
16:05Are you saying the creature in the water tank, the one that inked us,
16:08was another despair squid?
16:10Are you saying the creature in the water tank, the one that inked us,
16:13was another despair squid?
16:15Because I don't feel despair.
16:17I feel elation. Joy.
16:19I've felt great since I got here.
16:21In here, I'm somebody.
16:23It's made me want to live again.
16:25Shh. Footsteps. Do you hear them?
16:30Kaczynski.
16:32I can smell her perfume.
16:36I can get her back again.
16:38Everything I've ever wanted.
16:40But in the real world, sir, you'll be dying.
16:42This isn't real.
16:43It'll feel real.
16:45Not in your heart.
16:47I've got no option, Crikey.
16:49This is the only chance I've got of getting her back again.
16:59Miss Kaczynski's not dead, sir.
17:03Those kids were right.
17:05I lied to you, sir.
17:07She dumped you. I was trying to protect you.
17:10She's out there somewhere.
17:12She's in here somewhere as well.
17:14In fact, she's right behind that door.
17:16In this world, she loves me.
17:18In fact, in this world, she's going to love me until the moment I die.
17:21She's not real.
17:23Nobody's perfect.
17:25Look, I'm becoming transparent.
17:28I'm returning to reality.
17:31I'm returning to reality.
17:33Me too, sir.
17:35I've got to stay.
17:56What the hell happened there?
17:58I need diagrams and pointy arrows.
18:01Well, best guess, our natural defenses fought back.
18:04Our previous encounter with the creature must have strengthened our antibodies.
18:08Which gave us the option to choose between realities.
18:11This one, or the one that started when Kremlin Kate showed up.
18:18What if Monkey Boy chooses not to fight this?
18:22Then he won't be coming out.
18:25I've got to stay.
18:28I've got to stay.
18:42Seems you're undecided about which reality you wish to live in.
18:46I'm mulling it over.
18:50Would you mind if I asked you a question?
18:53Shoot.
18:55In your dreams, did you kiss me?
19:05Was it good?
19:08I never wanted to wake up.
19:13Then don't.
19:25I love you.
19:56Where are you going?
19:59I have to leave and get you back.
20:02The real me?
20:04You'll never get me. I'm way out of your league.
20:08I thought that too, but I was wrong.
20:12You were right.
20:14No, I'm pretty cool.
20:17I don't take any smeg.
20:19And even though I'm disgusting, sometimes I can be quite brave.
20:23You'll never get me.
20:25Yeah, I will.
20:54I mean, explain this.
20:56How can me getting everything I've ever wanted be caused by despair ink?
21:00Analysis of the creatures are suggesting it's a female.
21:03Male squid, female squid. What's the difference?
21:06Females can do ten squiddy things at once, but not so good at reversing around rocks.
21:10The male defense system is an ink that produces despair.
21:13It seems that the female ink causes the opposite.
21:16Well, it gives you joy.
21:18That's like attacking something that retaliates by giving you an Indian head massage
21:21or an aromatherapy luxury nail treatment.
21:24What kind of crazy defense mechanism is that?
21:26Well, it's an ingenious one, sir, because it means you stop attacking it.
21:29Yeah.
21:31And while you're all happy-clappy, she's got what's right.
21:34Precisely, sir.
21:38How'd she get on board?
21:43I don't know.
21:45How'd she get on board?
21:50I kind of brought her.
21:54Years ago, from that ocean planet.
21:56I'm gonna eat you, little fishy,
21:59because I like little fish.
22:03Then she escaped.
22:05I knew you guys would get mad, so I didn't say nothing.
22:10Boy, has she grown.
22:12So what's gonna happen to her?
22:14I'm thinking sushi time.
22:16I'm thinking we drop her off at the nearest ocean moon,
22:19make some happy sea life.
22:24What's gonna happen to everybody in the reality we left?
22:27The guy's all watching us on TV.
22:29Well, they'll continue to exist as a consequence of us creating them
22:32in our hallucinations, sir. It's quantum mechanics.
22:35Every decision that's made creates a new universe,
22:38as do all dreams and hallucinations.
22:40That's universe 101.
22:42But those sad suckers will live out the rest of their lives
22:45convinced they're the real ones and we're characters from a TV show.
22:48And you know if you told them the truth, you know what they'd probably do?
22:52Laugh.
22:54Yeah.
22:58They probably would.
23:00They probably would.
23:30They probably would.
23:32They probably would.
23:34They probably would.
23:36They probably would.
23:38They probably would.
23:40They probably would.
23:42They probably would.
23:44They probably would.
23:46They probably would.
23:48They probably would.
23:50They probably would.
23:52They probably would.
23:54They probably would.
23:56They probably would.
23:58They probably would.