8 Out of 10 Cats. S01 E11.

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deaddogsmoking
  • 2 months ago
First broadcast 12th August 2005.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey

Jeremy Edwards
Liza Tarbuck
Derek Laud
Kieron Harvey (as Citizen Science)
Michelle Bass
Nick Bateman
Victor Ebuwa
Jade Goody
Kemal Shahin
Maxwell Ward
Marcus Bentley
Transcript
00:00It's 9.30 on the final show of 8 out of 10 cats.
00:23Joining the show tonight, it's Derek.
00:26And from Celebrity Big Brother, it's Jeremy Edwards.
00:30And their big brother, Dave Spidey.
00:33And here for them tonight, the appliance of science.
00:38Superfan, Nisa Tarbug.
00:41And their big brother, Sean Locke.
00:44With extra special guests, Maxwell, Michelle, Nick,
00:50Jade, Victor, Kamal.
00:54And here's your host, Jimmy Carr.
01:04Welcome to the 8 out of 10 cats Big Brother special.
01:07A show about Big Brother opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
01:10Did you know, for example, in this year's Big Brother,
01:13there were a staggering 6.5 million votes cast.
01:16Meaning whoever wins has a clear mandate to invade North Korea.
01:21Of course, the title of Big Brother is taken from the George Orwell novel 1984.
01:25Although this year's casting was inspired by Animal Farm.
01:3080% of the Big Brother applicants are between 16 and 24.
01:33The rest have significantly higher IQs.
01:37Let's get started.
01:46What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:49We've teamed up with the leading polling organisation
01:51and they've asked the British nation what stories and events
01:53from this year's Big Brother they've been talking about the most.
01:56It's our panellists' job to guess the three most popular.
01:58Dave, Jeremy, Derek, what do you think the nation have been talking about
02:00with regards to Big Brother?
02:02Well, in the top three, there's got to be Kinga, the bottle bank.
02:07I just watched it, like most people I'm sure, with the George
02:09just getting progressively lower and lower.
02:11I'm wondering what I just saw in her house.
02:13Her mum and dad must have had everybody around.
02:15All the neighbours. She's on tonight, she's gone in.
02:17Margie's here. Come here, Auntie Margie. Sit down.
02:19Oh, she's smoking. I didn't know she smoked.
02:21Wait a minute, mate. Wait a minute, mate.
02:23Wait a minute, that's worse than that.
02:26Watch it, she's on. Shall I put this up me fanny?
02:33Were you horrified, Derek?
02:35I didn't see it. Let's have a look at it now.
02:38Please.
02:43I didn't get to do that, fanny.
02:45Don't do it, Kinga. Kinga, don't.
02:47Please.
03:00That was Kinga there cracking open a bottle of wine.
03:04It happens a lot on telly.
03:06I remember seeing David Attenborough in Life on Earth
03:08knocking one out, one of the gorillas.
03:11Newsnight, Paxman.
03:14That's a false arm, you see. Paxman's like that.
03:19I've never liked manual labour myself,
03:21which is why I've never done it.
03:23You have a little fella coming twice a week, do you?
03:29Let's have a look and see whether the Kinga incident
03:32is in the top three talking points.
03:39This is the story of Kinga turning herself
03:41into a novelty wine rack.
03:43I think what happened was she was going to ask Anthony for a shag,
03:46but in the end she bottled it.
03:49Sean Steen, what else have people been talking about?
03:52Maybe it could be the numerous arguments
03:54me and that guy had with Maxwell.
03:56Your arguments with Maxwell? Yeah.
03:58I've got a clip.
04:00I'm a fucking peckish!
04:02You're a fucking little thief!
04:04Mac, wake up! Fuck off!
04:06You're out of order. Flack, attack!
04:13That was like a scene from Lady Windermere's Fan.
04:17Science, why do you love winding people up so much?
04:19Me? I don't like winding up anybody.
04:21There, you're doing it now.
04:23All I did, it was just a clash of characters,
04:25that's all what it is, really.
04:27I'm pretty sure that Maxwell will 100% agree with that.
04:29Let's check.
04:31Me and Science were having it out.
04:33He was having a row to my face.
04:35He was telling me what he thought about me,
04:37I was telling him what I thought about him.
04:39But at the end of the day, me and Science,
04:41strong personalities, strong characters,
04:43we clashed, we had a row, we fought about it,
04:45and at the end of the day, I left the house,
04:47he shook me hand, and he beat me.
04:49Yeah, I did, didn't I?
04:51I can tell you that your argument with Maxwell
04:53was the eighth most talked about thing.
04:55Eighth?
04:57I'm going to go over to Dave's team, I'm going to ask you.
04:59What about Craig's love for Anthony?
05:01I feel a bit sorry for Craig, actually,
05:03because I think Anthony kind of led him on.
05:05Because he comes into the house, right,
05:07and obviously Craig's attracted to him,
05:09and he snogs Orla, he then goes to Makosi,
05:11and Craig's thinking, he's a breast man, I'm in.
05:13Wait!
05:19Nothing might develop once they've left the house,
05:21and there are no cameras around.
05:23Do you think?
05:25Possibly.
05:27Hang on, Jay has to talk.
05:29Definitely not.
05:31I think Craig is actually quite scary.
05:33You know, Michelle, I'm sorry Michelle,
05:35but Michelle, she was the bunny boiler,
05:37but Craig has actually beaten that.
05:39He's actually really scary.
05:41You know that's the real Michelle behind you?
05:45If that was a man harassing a woman,
05:47it would be called sexually harassment,
05:49so why is it not the same?
05:51I'm still pretty sure we call it sexual harassment.
05:55Let's have a look,
05:57and see if you're right,
05:59and if Craig is sexually harassing Anthony.
06:01Look at me, please.
06:03Focus on me.
06:05Craig, your best friend,
06:07who cares about you greatly.
06:11You are a nightmare for me in this house.
06:13I tell you what,
06:15I fucking love you.
06:17I'd do anything for you.
06:19My brother is a little concerned
06:21about Anthony this evening.
06:23Right, okay.
06:25He seems a little worse for wear.
06:27He's getting sick over everything.
06:29Get off his mum.
06:31Get off his!
06:35Craig and Anthony there,
06:37enjoying the kind of romance
06:39you'd find in a Hollywood movie,
06:41Cape Fear.
06:43Let's have a look and see
06:45if that's one of the top three talking points.
06:47This is the story of Craig
06:49and Anthony's relationship.
06:51The thing Craig likes about Anthony
06:53is that he can see a bit of himself in him.
07:03Okay, fingers on buzzers,
07:05one more to get.
07:07It's got to be when McCosey
07:09sort of let the side down,
07:11and she apparently had had it off
07:13with Anthony, and then was pregnant.
07:15They had every rule of poor etiquette, didn't they?
07:17Yeah, didn't they?
07:19I mean, for a start, went swimming after a big meal.
07:23Heavy petting.
07:25No bombing.
07:27Bombing, Craig.
07:29Let's have a look.
07:31Go, McCosey!
07:33Isn't it?
07:35He's got a massive woolly hair.
07:37Huge!
07:39Huge!
07:41Huge!
07:45Well, that was
07:47the week five hot tub orgy.
07:49Do you think they had sex in the pool?
07:51They definitely did it.
07:53I know for a fact that they did,
07:55because he said that they did,
07:57Craig said that they did,
07:59Ola said that they did.
08:01I don't think they did.
08:03She was pregnant five minutes later.
08:05She jumped out of the pool,
08:07into the diary room,
08:09and said she was pregnant.
08:11It could have been anybody's, couldn't it?
08:13Yes, it is.
08:17Yes, this is the story of the housemates' pool orgy,
08:19where Anthony and McCosey
08:21allegedly had sex.
08:23I can assure you that it was safe sex,
08:25Anthony was wearing a Veruca sock.
08:27Well, I can tell you at the end of that round,
08:29Science, Lisa and Sean have one point,
08:31Derek, Jeremy and Dave have two points.
08:35The next round is called
08:37the poll with a hole.
08:39We've unearthed some fascinating facts about Big Brother.
08:41Unfortunately, each statistic is missing
08:43one salient piece of information,
08:45so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
08:47Seanstein, 10% of Big Brother viewers
08:49think that Science is what?
08:51It's his surname, and his first name is Headoff.
08:57Science is history.
08:59It's his story, which is mine.
09:01What would you like to know?
09:03I think I know already enough.
09:05I feel like I've picked up a pirate radio station.
09:11What do you do with your name, Science?
09:13Is it your real name?
09:15Citizen Science to you, though, please.
09:17Yeah, no, Science the Great, as far as I'm concerned.
09:21But Kieran Harvey, if I was the authorities.
09:2510% of Big Brother viewers think that Science is...
09:27Not his real name.
09:29Not his real name? He's close, but not right.
09:31I'm going to have to tell you.
09:3310% of Big Brother viewers think that Science is a stupid name.
09:41Where did you get the name, then?
09:43Did you give it to yourself?
09:45No, I didn't. It came because of the way that I produce music,
09:47the way that I write lyrics,
09:49and the things that I talk about, basically.
09:51The science of life, the science of culture,
09:53the science of dreams.
09:55Boom.
09:57Give us a little taste of that.
09:59What shall I talk about? Give me a topic, then.
10:018 Out Of 10 Cats.
10:03I'm having a chit-chat in 8 Out Of 10 Cats
10:05with Jimmy Carr and the rest of the gang.
10:07But you know that I'm the man.
10:09I'm a man, man. Not a man's man,
10:11but you've got to overstand.
10:13Now, don't be hunger, because I've got a hunger.
10:15And since I've been in the house, I've come out a lot stronger.
10:17Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.
10:19Yeah, he's good.
10:21A little Rich In The Matrix.
10:23Dave.
10:2534% of people would like to see Derek what?
10:27I'd like to see Derek. He's here, look.
10:31Press play and record. You've got a tape of him.
10:35Kiss Jeremy.
10:37You've got to be that.
10:39Take the plums out of his mouth.
10:41Not mine.
10:47Later, Jeremy, later.
10:49What have I done?
10:51You know what I'd like to see more of you doing?
10:53Bending with your knees rather than your back.
10:57Did they not say anyone are lifting an handling course?
10:59Every time I've watched you,
11:01you're doing the wrong thing,
11:03and you're just asking for disc trouble later on in life.
11:05Ah.
11:0734% of people weren't as caring as you.
11:09Could it be something absurd
11:11as leading the Conservative Party?
11:13I'm going to give you that.
11:1734% of people would like to see Derek
11:19start his own political party.
11:21Derek, do you think you'd be good at that?
11:23No, I'm a follower, not a leader.
11:25I follow people.
11:27They're usually tall, dark, and very handsome.
11:29Thank you very much, Derek,
11:31but I'm going to say no.
11:33Dave's team.
11:3512% of Big Brother applicants are what?
11:37Practicing in freshers.
11:43Same. And the other 96%
11:45mad.
11:4796?
11:49What about the other two?
11:5188.
11:5712% of the Big Brother applicants
11:59are real.
12:01Do you really think that's the answer?
12:05It's a job.
12:07Shelf stackers.
12:09Hairdressers.
12:11You are absolutely right.
12:1512% of Big Brother applicants are hairdressers.
12:17Two of the housemates this year are hairdressers.
12:19Anthony is a trainee, and Craig runs his own salon.
12:21He's already offered Anthony some sort of job.
12:27OK, Sean's team.
12:2934% of Big Brother contestants what
12:31after leaving the house?
12:33I reckon 34% of Big Brother contestants
12:35go back to Asda.
12:39No, man, Asda's too classy, quick-save.
12:41Science, you're one of the contestants.
12:43I reckon what they should do
12:45is go to a remote Scottish island
12:47and have a little word with themselves.
12:51What have you been doing since you left the Big Brother house?
12:53Number one.
12:55I read that you made a million
12:57since you left, did you?
12:59I don't ask about your wages.
13:01I wouldn't like to, it's rude.
13:03No, I haven't made a million.
13:05Sorry, that is rude, I apologise.
13:07How much do you wage, I think?
13:13Lose weight.
13:15That's the right answer.
13:17Yes, 34% of Big Brother contestants
13:19lose weight after leaving the house,
13:21mainly by bringing out their own fitness videos.
13:23Nadia's weight loss programme was a little bit more extreme.
13:25She cut out all meat and two veg.
13:29So at the end of that round,
13:31it is three points for Sean's team
13:33and four points for Dave's team.
13:35Join me after the break where,
13:37amongst other things, we'll be finding out
13:39who you voted the most popular Big Brother contestant ever.
13:41APPLAUSE
13:51Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
13:53Our next round is face-off.
13:55We have six well-known Big Brother housemates in the studio.
13:57Kamal, Nick, Jade,
13:59Victor, Michelle and Maxwell.
14:01We asked the public
14:03which of these housemates would do best on Mastermind.
14:07Who got the most votes?
14:09Why can't I maybe have some votes?
14:11Sorry, it's who would be best on Mastermind.
14:15Did you not understand that question?
14:19I think you'd do very well,
14:21but you'd be spinning round the chair.
14:23I'm going to say Nick.
14:25You're going to go with Nasty Nick?
14:27Yeah.
14:29OK, Dave's team, what do you think?
14:31I'd love to see Jade on it.
14:33Just imagine it would be like you've passed on All 22.
14:35The answer to question one was Jade.
14:39What would your specialist subject be?
14:41She's in her bags.
14:45Who are you going to go for, team?
14:47I think we've got to go for Kamal.
14:49I'll go with that.
14:51What do you think, Jeremy?
14:53I don't think any of them would be any good, to be honest.
14:55I'm sorry.
14:57They're not like the cast of Hollyoaks, are they?
15:01Victor, what would your specialist subject be on Mastermind?
15:05General knowledge, really.
15:07Yeah, that would be it.
15:09No, that would be it.
15:13That is amazing.
15:15And your specialist subject is general knowledge?
15:19What, is that not a subject?
15:21Is it not a subject?
15:23No, Jade, but when your specialist subject...
15:25I can't believe I'm having to explain that to a human being.
15:29General knowledge is the general bit,
15:31and then you have a specialist subject.
15:33Oh, in knowledge?
15:35Thank you.
15:41Well, you went with Kamal, you went with Nick.
15:43I can tell you that Kamal got 19% of the vote,
15:45but the public thought the best person on Mastermind
15:47would be Nasty Nick.
15:49You got 50% of the vote.
15:53According to the public,
15:55Nick was voted the housemate that would be best on Mastermind.
15:57His specialist subject would, of course,
15:59be the roll of buttons in various pantos across the East Midlands.
16:01We asked the public,
16:03which of these housemates would you most like to meet
16:05on a blind date?
16:07Who got the most votes? Dave's team.
16:09I'd want to go on a blind date with Jade.
16:11I'm picking Jade every time, aren't I?
16:13I'm sorry, I would.
16:15My worry is she'd never find a place, you know,
16:17the arranged place.
16:19I'll meet you outside Ritzy's.
16:21I'm not going to Brazil.
16:23Dave, who are you going for?
16:25It's got to be Michelle.
16:27I think Michelle.
16:29It's got to be Michelle.
16:31I don't, yeah.
16:33We go for Michelle.
16:35You're going to go for Michelle?
16:37Given half the chance.
16:39Who are you going to go for, Sean?
16:41Who would you like to meet on a blind date?
16:43The public is actually the ones
16:45that have done this.
16:47I ain't got a clue, I ain't got a clue,
16:49but I'm going to go for
16:51Jade, isn't it?
16:53Everybody loves Jade.
16:55That's cute.
16:57Sway with it, sway with it, sway with it.
16:59Come on.
17:03Does anybody remember the wooden tops?
17:09Lisa, who do you think the public would have voted for?
17:11Kamal.
17:13There, I said it.
17:15You went for Michelle.
17:17I can tell you that Michelle got 20% of the vote,
17:19Kamal got 35% of the vote.
17:21It was the top answer.
17:27OK, this is to Sean's team.
17:29We asked the public which of these housemates
17:31would make the worst Prime Minister.
17:33Who got the most votes?
17:35Maxwell would make a bad Prime Minister.
17:37Very bad.
17:39Is it because you would be tried for treason?
17:41Yeah, all of that, man.
17:43You know what I mean?
17:45They blame it on citizen science all the time.
17:47European Constitution, East Angular.
17:49Come on.
17:53Who are you going to go for?
17:55Jade, I think.
17:57I actually see, what's his name, Tony Blair
17:59and walk straight past him.
18:01What was Tony Blair doing at Bluewater?
18:05OK, so you've gone for Maxwell.
18:07I can tell you that Maxwell got 10% of the vote
18:09as the worst Prime Minister,
18:11but Jade was the top answer with 50% of the vote.
18:13Oh, bless you.
18:17But in fairness to you, Jade,
18:19if you were elected leader,
18:21you wouldn't be the stupidest world leader, would you?
18:23President Bush is thicker than you, isn't he?
18:25I don't know who these people are.
18:31President Bush.
18:33You've heard of President Bush, though, yeah?
18:35He's that man who sort of looks like a teddy bear
18:37that's in America.
18:39President of America or the United States.
18:41Which one would you rather?
18:43They're both the same.
18:47APPLAUSE
18:49OK, Dave,
18:51this is your final question.
18:53We asked the public which of these housemates
18:55would make the best superhero.
18:57Who got the most votes?
18:59Victor, didn't you have a couple of names,
19:01superhero names, like the Milkman?
19:03And the Plumber.
19:05Why was that?
19:07Cos I leave pie at...
19:09He's basically a job man.
19:11We're going to go for Victor.
19:13OK, you're going for Victor. Sean, what do you think?
19:15What would your superpowers be, Vic?
19:17Turn up really late,
19:19take your account details
19:21and launder mass amounts of money
19:23through the...
19:25Fraud boy!
19:27Shall we go with Kamal?
19:31Kamal and I have an assortment of weapons to throw at it,
19:33like a laser mirror
19:35and throwing boomerangs, stilettos and things.
19:41OK, well, I can tell you that Kamal
19:43only got 16% of the vote.
19:45Victor was the top answer, 23% of the vote.
19:51Yes, according to the public,
19:53Victor would make the best superhero.
19:55One of his nicknames is the Milkman
19:57because he always delivers milk.
19:59He's now a milkman, it's his job.
20:01So, at the end of that round,
20:03I can tell you that Derek, Jeremy and Dave
20:05have six points and Science, Lisa and Sean
20:07have five points.
20:10And the winner is,
20:12is the name of our final round.
20:14I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls
20:16based on Big Brother. It's up to them to buzz in
20:18and tell me who or what they think came top.
20:20Here is your first one.
20:22Person you'd least like to be stuck in the Big Brother house with.
20:25Robert McGarvey.
20:29Neil Armstrong.
20:31Neil Armstrong.
20:33Well, it's old Moon this, Moon that.
20:36It's a current housemate.
20:38Craig.
20:40Correct. Has to be.
20:46Here's a look at why Craig might not be great to live with.
20:48That is pointing something out to somebody.
20:50Not. Listen!
20:52Stop doing that!
20:54I don't want to put it on my fucking feet!
20:56I don't know what the bloke's problem is.
21:00I can't do that.
21:08He behaves like a pregnant woman with malaria.
21:14My God!
21:16Favourite ever housemate. Fingers on buzzers.
21:18It was definitely our Jade.
21:20Well, you're absolutely right. Jade is the most popular
21:22Big Brother contestant ever.
21:28Well done, Jade.
21:30Let's have a look at some of the reasons why
21:32you're the most popular Big Brother contestant ever.
21:34Everybody goes on about Sherlock Holmes
21:36and everybody goes on about
21:38Mr. Einstein.
21:40And I thought
21:42Inspector Morse and
21:44Mr. Einstein were together.
21:48I thought Sherlock Holmes was
21:50related to Inspector Morse and Inspector Morse
21:52was related to
21:54Mr. Einstein and Mother Teresa.
21:56I think a round of applause for Jade.
21:58The most popular Big Brother contestant ever.
22:00Thank you.
22:06Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show
22:08which means the final scores are
22:10Science, Lisa and Sean have 8 points.
22:12Derek, Jeremy and Dave have 7 points
22:14meaning Sean's team are the winners.
22:18Thank you to all of our guests this evening
22:20our wonderful studio audience and to all of you
22:22for watching at home. That's it from us. See you next year.
22:24That was the last in the current series
22:26but as Jimmy said, 8 out of 10 cats
22:28will be back in the new year.
22:30Coming up, the winner of Big Brother
22:322005 announced live
22:34on Channel 4.