• 5 months ago
First broadcast 17th June 2005.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer

Lee Mack
Claudia Winkleman
Eamonn Holmes
Alan Carr

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, Staying Up Late, Aime And Home, The Return Of The Mask, Lee
00:28Mask, And Their Leader, Dave Spikey, And Facing Them Tonight, Come Dancing, It's Claudia Winkleman,
00:39Funny Man, Alan Carr, And Their King, Sean Locke, Ladies And Gentlemen, Your Host, Jimmy
00:53Carr.
00:55Good evening, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
01:00Did you know, for example, 89% of 11-year-olds have mobile phones?
01:05Doesn't surprise me, one of the little bastards has got mine.
01:09Apparently, we use only 2% of the English language available in everyday conversation.
01:14I find that statistic utterly imperictobulous.
01:19And on average, the human brain can only remember four things at any one time.
01:23Keys, wallet, bags, phone.
01:26Who am I?
01:28Right, let's get started.
01:37What are you talking about?
01:38That's the name of our first round.
01:40We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:46It's our panellists' job to guess Britain's top five most popular talking points.
01:50Dave.
01:51Well, I'm going out on a limb here, and it's an American thing, I don't know if you saw it.
01:55Michael Jackson.
01:56Michael who, sorry?
01:57Michael Jackson, the pop singer, was acquitted of all charges.
02:01They said the defence was very good, very strong.
02:03They blamed it on the sunshine, blamed it on the moonlight.
02:07Blamed it on the boogie.
02:09It's a lot of speculation, though, isn't it?
02:11Where does he go from here?
02:12Where's his future lie?
02:13And there is speculation that he's coming to England, and he's made for Panto, the guy.
02:18Well, he actually is.
02:19It's all fairy tales, it's all Never Neverland, it's all that.
02:21He's made for Panto.
02:22A small part in Aladdin would suit him, just to get him started.
02:28Does he need a ring, maybe?
02:29He's behind you!
02:35But I know you think when he said, he said, no more boys in my bed, that's quite an astonishing...
02:40You know, very rarely in your life do you ever need to say that sentence again.
02:44It's a bit like, it's a bit like someone who's got off, like, a bank robbery charge, going,
02:48I'll tell you what, I won't be hanging around the town centre with a shotgun and a balaclava anymore.
02:53Did you see him when they were saying that, er, is Michael Jackson wearing a wig?
02:58I'm afraid when you've got a face like that, does it matter?
03:02How about a bad wig?
03:03Hardly going to spoil the look.
03:06Do you know when he got home, he just went, oh, thank God for that.
03:15What do you reckon about his wife, though, Debbie Rowe, when she's...
03:18That's just so weird, the trial, I mean, when she went in, they went,
03:21oh, he's a great father, what a role model.
03:23Did you get the impression that the real Debbie Rowe was, like, locked in a cupboard, going, eh, eh?
03:30He went down to Seven Stone during the trial, which is actually lighter than most kids.
03:35They're not American kids.
03:36No.
03:41Eamon, what do you think's next for Michael Jackson?
03:43Some sort of job on GMTV, maybe.
03:46Leave this one going.
03:49I'd love to see that, little Michael on the sofa.
03:53He should bring out a single call, no more boys in bed.
03:58And then he should have loads of old men in his bed.
04:06Let's have a look and see where Michael Jackson came in terms of the most talked about things this week.
04:14What a surprise.
04:15The most talked about thing this week was the Michael Jackson trial.
04:18Almost 94% of people were talking about Michael Jackson.
04:21Most were saying, hang on, sorry, it's a terrible line, did you say not guilty?
04:26A lot of people think the case was about race.
04:28Typical, the rich white guy always gets off.
04:34Sean, over to you, what do you think people have been talking about this week?
04:36Well, about Mike Tyson giving up boxing to become a wedding planner.
04:39Which you get most of your news from Take a Break magazine.
04:43Sorry to interrupt, do you know when they reported it to Evander Olivefield, they went to him and said,
04:47Tyson's given up, and he went, no.
04:49They said, yeah, he's actually given up, and he went, I can't believe me either.
04:54I can tell you it wasn't in the top five, it was the 19th most talked about thing this week.
04:58Mike Tyson has announced this week that he wants to quit boxing.
05:00He said that he wants to become a Christian missionary.
05:03They were asked to make the sign of the cross, he said, argh.
05:09Right, Dave, Lee and Eamon, what have people been talking about this week?
05:12Is it the honours list?
05:14Yeah, it is the honours list.
05:15I woke up last week and it said, genial Irish breakfast host made a sir.
05:20I died hell after that.
05:22How did Brian May get this far, do we know?
05:24Services to Anita Dobson.
05:27I used to like it when normal people got OBEs.
05:30Do you remember, like, you know, lollipop ladies and, like, toilet attendants?
05:33That was nice, weren't it?
05:35Because you imagine it really going to the red light,
05:37Sheila, that toilet's blocked.
05:39Dame, Sheila.
05:44That's a lot more Rod Hull than a toilet cleaner.
05:49Sean, who would you give an honours to?
05:51Michelle McManus, make her a dame.
05:53Thank you.
05:55Am I being thicc here, who's Michelle McManus?
05:57She won Pop Idol, she's an enormous whale of a girl.
06:01She's lost six stone.
06:03Lost six stone, that's like throwing a deck chair off the Titanic.
06:11She's lost six stone.
06:13She's taken a dump.
06:16Yes!
06:19Right, let's have a look if the Queen's honours is one of our most talked about things.
06:26Yes, this week the Queen's birthday honours were announced.
06:29Of course, the Queen has two birthdays a year,
06:31which goes some way towards explaining why she looks so old.
06:35OK, you've got three more to get. Fingers on buzzers.
06:39Prince Harry at Sandhurst.
06:41Yes, so this is the story of a Sun journalist breaking into Sandhurst
06:44with a fake bomb.
06:46The thing is, they're always doing this, aren't they?
06:48The tabloids, The Sun and The Mirror,
06:50they're constantly trying to breach security arrangements.
06:52And I imagine every time Al-Qaeda read it,
06:54they just go, ah, I wish we'd thought of that.
07:00Claudia, are you worried about Harry's safety?
07:02Yes.
07:04I was undecided.
07:06It was 50, well, yes, a little.
07:08You haven't thought about it, have you?
07:10No.
07:12They said they took a fake bomb in there,
07:14which basically is anything, isn't it?
07:16A brush is a fake bomb, isn't it?
07:20Well, let's have a look and see if this was one of the most talked about things this week.
07:25Oh, yes.
07:26Yes, it was.
07:28This is the story of a Sun journalist who smuggled a fake bomb into Sandhurst.
07:31Harry was initially excited.
07:33He thought they'd smuggled in a bong.
07:36Is it the story about people trying to sell,
07:39the ticket touts trying to sell on eBay the Live 8 tickets?
07:41Yes.
07:43Because I was disgusted by that, as everybody was.
07:45What, did you bid?
07:47I wouldn't bid, honestly.
07:49I was disgusted.
07:51Bob Geldof said, boycott it for a week,
07:53but they backtracked, so I didn't bother.
07:55But at one point, I was going to get my snuff movies
07:57and my ivory chess set from somewhere else.
07:59When you say a snuff movie, it's some old bloke going...
08:02Just going, bloody weather.
08:06Let's have a look and see whether the Live 8 eBay ticket fiasco
08:09was one of our most talked about stories.
08:11Oh, yes.
08:13Yes.
08:15The second most talked about thing this week.
08:17You've got one more to guess.
08:19Is it by any chance the world debt?
08:21Tell me more.
08:23Well, they're going to reduce the world debt.
08:25The Western world is going to reduce the African debt,
08:28and it's going to work out to about a pound per person per year, right?
08:33Which I thought, that's quite good, isn't it?
08:35Pound? I'm quite happy to give that to Solve.
08:37But then they said, for ten years.
08:39I was thinking, that's ten pounds, isn't it?
08:43Oh, how tight are the Northerns?
08:45How pompous are the Southerners?
08:49Not very pompous at all.
08:58Well, shall we have a look and see whether the debt cancellation
09:01is one of our top five talked about stories?
09:07Yes, I can tell you that the G8 leaders have pledged
09:10to drop $40 billion worth of debt.
09:12Well, they haven't actually cancelled the debt.
09:14What they've done is they've consolidated it
09:16into one easy monthly payment.
09:19Rwanda gets a charming carriage clock.
09:22Don't worry, Chad, no salesman will call.
09:25At the end of that round, Sean, Alan and Claudia have no points,
09:29and Dave, Lee and Eamonn have five points.
09:35The next round is called the poll with a hole.
09:38We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present,
09:40from around the world, and unearthed some fascinating facts.
09:43Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information,
09:46so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
09:49Question number one.
09:50This is from a survey by Mother and Baby magazine
09:53from June 2005.
09:5550% of British dads are what?
09:57Kiting the dares till the kids leave home.
10:02Are your kids going to be watching this?
10:0550% of British dads are crap at putting shelves up.
10:09Because I am.
10:10My wife said, put some shelves up,
10:12and I went, no, you'll want them straight and everything.
10:17I'm not proud of this, I went to the library to get a DIY boot,
10:19and I said to the one behind the counter,
10:21I said, have you got any boots on shelves?
10:23She went...
10:3150% of dads are suing Durex.
10:37Not necessarily Durex, it could be any of the rubber johnny manufacturers.
10:42There's a new promotion for it, I don't know if you've seen it,
10:44in the chemist at the moment, it's a brand new promotion,
10:46it's for condoms, and it says, no, new shape.
10:49What new shape?
10:52Is that because it's Sellafield?
10:55I'll give you a clue, it's something to do with having babies.
10:58Tired, sleepy.
11:00Claudia, you said sleepy.
11:01Sleepy, tired, exhausted.
11:02I'm going to give you a point,
11:03it is in fact 50% of British dads are sleep deprived.
11:10Well, they have to wake up three times a night to tell their wives,
11:13it's crying again.
11:16Sean's team, this is from research carried out by the Department of Psychology
11:20at the University of Texas from June this year.
11:22Men consistently find women with what the most attractive?
11:26Is it Rod Stewart?
11:31He's often got a charming young lady on his arm.
11:35Big kids, low self-esteem.
11:39Is it GPS?
11:44Oval satellite positioning.
11:46Is it with a naked twin sister?
11:48That would get a thumbs up, wouldn't it?
11:50It certainly would.
11:57Do you know what it might be?
11:58Go on.
11:59A degree.
12:00A degree?
12:01Yeah.
12:02Oh, so naive.
12:06Nor teeth.
12:10No, men consistently find women with a weight to height ratio
12:13of between 0.68 and 0.8 the most attractive.
12:17I was going to say that.
12:19That roughly translates as not the stocky ones.
12:24Dave, Eamon and Lee, this next one is from a poll by the Health Development Agency
12:28from January this year.
12:2960% of drivers think what is a good idea?
12:32Oh, those chevrons on the motorway.
12:35Have you seen those?
12:36It's a road safety thing, you've got to keep two chevrons from the car in front.
12:40It's not, it's wrong.
12:41Why?
12:42I nearly killed myself trying to keep up with a Porsche last week.
12:45It's going 150 and I'm like, this can't be right, this can't be safe.
12:51Is it 60% of drivers think that driving with your knees whilst eating against a spastic?
12:57It's the only way to do it.
12:59One underneath, one to cup for the small bits of potato.
13:03I'm not wasting that, I'd rather risk my life.
13:11Is it...
13:12No.
13:13Is it playing lullabies and having a pillow?
13:17Is it driving past a little chef?
13:22Is it 60% of drivers think that kids doing that thumbs up thing is OK?
13:25Because it gets right on my bloody nerves.
13:27When you're driving behind a car and a kid's like that.
13:31I do that, I go like that.
13:34Show your mum.
13:35Show your mum.
13:42OK, I can tell you it's something that you would expect drivers not to like.
13:47Speed cameras.
13:49Eamon, you're brilliant, you got it.
13:54Every week there seems to be another statistic.
13:56I mean, I don't know if you saw, like, 63% of kids now have underage sex,
14:00yet last month 72 were obese.
14:02So who's shagging these fat kids?
14:06You all right, mate?
14:11So, at the end of that round, I can tell you that Sean's team have two points
14:14and Dave's team are in the lead with seven.
14:18Join us after the break when we'll be finding out if Abu Hamza would make a good James Bond
14:23and what Britain's favourite smell is.
14:25APPLAUSE
14:33Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
14:35Our next round is face-off, a head-to-head challenge between our two team captains.
14:39Sean and Dave have six well-known faces in front of them.
14:41Michael Jackson, Abu Hamza, Kate Moss, John Prescott,
14:45the late Mother Teresa of Calcutta and the entire population of France.
14:50We asked the British public to rank these people on a series of questions.
14:53All Sean and Dave have to do is guess who came top.
14:56OK, Sean, this is to you. Who would be most likely to steal a handbag?
15:01Abu Hamza wouldn't, would he? Cos he, you know, he hasn't got any hands.
15:06He'd have no need for it, would he?
15:08Probably need a bag of hands.
15:14Michael Jackson, I don't think he needs the aggro at the moment, you know?
15:18I think he's going to lie low for a while.
15:21The French. Of course, the entire population of France.
15:23They'd be most likely to nick a handbag.
15:26Cos he's bound to have a couple of wrong ones.
15:29Bound to. Dave, who are you going to go for?
15:31I would have gone with the French, but I can't know.
15:33They are generally untrustworthy, I find.
15:38Abu Hamza probably does it accidentally, probably doesn't mean to do it.
15:42Sorry, have it back.
15:46Lads?
15:47Mother Teresa.
15:48Mother Teresa.
15:49No.
15:50I'm very confident. Mark, why is that?
15:51Robbing bitch.
15:54That's a facade, all that religious stuff.
15:57That tea towel's not hers.
16:01I'm going to go Abu Hamza.
16:02You're going Abu Hamza.
16:04The entire population of France got 12%.
16:06Abu Hamza was the top answer. 47% of people think it's...
16:12We asked the public, who would you most like to take a bath with?
16:15Well, Hamza is not going to get much of a lather up with hooks.
16:20Jackson, I think he'd be intimidated by my adult genitalia.
16:28I don't think he'd feel very comfortable around that.
16:29Who are you going to go for?
16:30I'll go for Kate Moss.
16:32Dave, who are you going to go for?
16:35Abu Hamza, he'd be...
16:36You know at the end when you've got all that hair in the plughole?
16:39He'd get that out, couldn't he? Quite easily.
16:42I'd like to see his knob.
16:46Really?
16:51You just don't know, he might have a corkscrew, you don't know.
16:57I think Abu Hamza would be great because what you could do is you could put loads of those plastic ducks in and he might win you a goldfish.
17:08Dave, who would you most like to take a bath with?
17:09I'll have the entire population of France.
17:11Well, the entire population of France is the second most popular answer, 18%, but Kate Moss, 63%.
17:16Top answer, you get the points.
17:20Dave, we asked the British public, who do you think would make the best James Bond?
17:26Who do you think got the most votes?
17:28A few contenders here. Abu Hamza, Dr. Norfinger.
17:32Jackson's got his best workies undercover, perhaps you could say.
17:38He could entice women back to his bedroom.
17:41Get between the sheets.
17:43Who's that playing the game by there? It's alright.
17:48Next to the monkey, next to the monkey. Alright, just kidding.
17:52I don't know, best James Bond. Any ideas, team?
17:57Abu Hamza could do for your eye only.
18:01John Prescott, smooth, suave, sophisticated, elegant, charisma, Anakin, punch.
18:07We would go, our team, with John Prescott.
18:10Okay, Sean, what do you think?
18:12Well, the entire population of France, you say?
18:15Yeah, all of them.
18:17Well, I think they'd have trouble sneaking up on people.
18:22Make a bit of noise.
18:24Smell them a mile off, wouldn't you?
18:25Imagine 60 million.
18:27Do you want to watch a scene? Check in with them.
18:28Oh, yes, I forgot about them. Hello.
18:29Hi.
18:30Hi, you alright?
18:31Yeah, it's alright, fine here. A bit lonely.
18:33Can I put forward, I think Kate Moss could be Janine Bond.
18:37Yeah, but Janine, that's like someone who works in Greggs.
18:41Janine.
18:42Oh, Janine.
18:45Oh, Goldfinger, we meet at last.
18:49Kate Moss.
18:50Okay, you go for Kate Moss.
18:51I can tell you, Kate Moss got 17% of the vote, but Prescott got 39% of the vote.
18:57Number one answer.
18:58Number one answer.
19:01Frankly, I'm amazed Abu Hamza got 8% of the vote there.
19:05You pretty much have to rewrite the character.
19:07James Bond, he's suave, debonair, no hands, one eye.
19:12Shaken, not stirred.
19:13And can I have that in a cup with a handle, please?
19:17So, at the end of that round, I can tell you that Sean's team have four points and Dave's have ten points.
19:29And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
19:32I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls,
19:34and it's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
19:37Here's your first one.
19:38This is from a poll featured in the Glasgow Daily Record from September 2004.
19:42Britain's favourite smell.
19:45Is it a burning Frenchman?
19:51Bacon.
19:52Or, freshly born rabbits.
19:55Freshly born?
19:56What?
19:59Oh, wait.
20:03Hang on a second.
20:04Bacon, or, and this is part of the same guess,
20:07freshly born rabbits.
20:10If you go into a pet shop and they have rabbits and they're just born,
20:13ooh, lovely.
20:14And they're so tiny.
20:16And they're so small and they've got such sweet little ears.
20:21What you've done is you've answered a question about Britain's favourite smell,
20:23and what I've got from your answer was,
20:26she'd be a nightmare girlfriend.
20:29APPLAUSE
20:32It's interesting, isn't it, what comes across.
20:36It's not, little baby rabbits.
20:40Is it a kebab at three o'clock in the morning?
20:42Oh, yes.
20:43But when you walk past it during the day, you go,
20:45look at that shit, I wouldn't eat that.
20:48At three o'clock in the morning, oh, yes.
20:50OK, I'll give you a clue.
20:51It is a meal.
20:54Sunday roast or something like that.
20:56Correct.
20:57Oh!
21:01Yes, Britain's favourite smell is roast dinner.
21:04OK, this is a poll commissioned by Grolsch Lager in 2000.
21:07Things to do before you die.
21:10Angelina Jolie.
21:16Is it punch a dolphin?
21:20It's not punch a dolphin, no.
21:22Is it go swimming with them and then just give them a little jab?
21:28Yeah, I think so, they've just missed it off mine, yeah.
21:31Stick your finger in the hole and carry it round like a six-pack.
21:35Yes, the most popular thing to do before you die is swim with dolphins.
21:39Friendliest town in Britain.
21:41Ooh.
21:43I'd say Cockermouth. I've never been.
21:48If that's how they got their name, though, it's a fair bet, isn't it?
21:51It's worth a trip. It's worth a trip out, isn't it?
21:53Yeah, same applies to Oldham.
21:56Belfast, Glasgow, Newcastle, Liverpool.
21:59Everyone's talking about pop music.
22:03I think it's Bolton.
22:04You're absolutely right, it is Bolton.
22:09London just missed out on the top ten friendliest places in Britain,
22:12coming in at 948.
22:14Just behind the island from The Wicker Man.
22:21Well, that sound tells me that it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
22:24which means the final scores are Sean's team have six points
22:26and Dave is our winner with 15 points.
22:32Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
22:35and all of you watching at home.
22:37Goodbye.
22:42In a moment on Ford, Davina says the magic words,
22:45she's coming to get Sam, Big Brother, next.
22:54APPLAUSE