A Bit Of A Do S02E07 The Civil Wedding (1989)
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00:00Oh Arthur, if anyone ever told me I'd get invited to a weekend seminar on organic vegetables
00:07in Milton Keynes and I'd say no, I wouldn't believe them. But I can't come. I've got a
00:12bit of a do on. A wedding. I'll think of you as I force a champagne down my gullet.
00:17A bit of a do. A bit of a do. Smiling faces in public places. Trying to hide your problems
00:36from your friends and relations. A bit of a do. Invited to a bit of a do. It's a small
00:47town, posh, nosh affair. Best behavior, being aware of others who are doing it too. Others
00:58will see it through you. A bit of a do. All tickety boo. New dimensions for family tensions.
01:12Mentioning the little things that shouldn't be mentioned. A bit of a do. Bit of a do.
01:20Invited to a bit of a do. Bit of a do. Oh, Lord. What? Nothing. No, please. Don't let
01:34start drifting apart again. I need you today, Liz. I'm scared. Scared? The great anthropologist
01:40who's faced headhunters, witch doctors and poison blow. Yes, the great bachelor, the
01:43great wanderer, the great loner, terrified. Terrified she may not turn up. Good heavens
01:48No, she wouldn't do that. Twice? Would you be happy if she didn't turn up? Really, Geoffrey,
01:54what a thing to ask. Of course I would. Be ecstatic. Oh, Liz. And I thought you were
02:01friends again. I was very emotional at Neville's funeral. I said some foolish things I bitterly
02:07regret. Such as? Such as, shall we end this stupid feud, Rita, whereupon she marries my
02:12brother when I've discovered him for the first time, her son exposes my son, loses him his
02:16job. Damned old sick ox. You still haven't told me why you said oh, Lord. Last time I
02:22stood here, I was getting married. Oh, Lord. Sorry. Oh, I don't want to cast a pall over
02:30your great day. Liz, Rita and I both want you to be a frequent and regular visitor at
02:35our house. Watching you touching each other, enviously listening to your creaking bedsprings.
02:40I can't wait. Simon. Fragile, handled with care. Oh, Lord. Hello, Mother. You look fantastic.
02:57Everyone will think you're the bride. Not this time, Simon. Oh, Lord. Crunch, thud,
03:03sacked estate agent drops brick. I'm sorry, Mother. A minor indiscretion compared to your
03:09recent efforts. I can just forgive you for being dishonest, Simon, but for being stupid
03:13enough to be found out by Elvis, no. Bad luck. Lucinda all right? Oh, yes. The wedding isn't
03:23off. It's just postponed till I find myself a job. Hello. Rita. Well, I've turned up.
03:34Unlike most other people, it seems. Elvis rang. He's been bleeped. Emergency. He'll
03:39meet me here. Who'd have sons? Monsters. And Paul? Oh, I'll just slope off tactfully. Thank
03:48you, Simon. Do it tactfully enough. Without a word, we won't even notice. My oldest son's
03:55been bleeped and my youngest son's gone fishing. Fishing? He's finding it difficult to cope
04:01with life out of prison. Crowded rooms make him panic, and I don't think he relished the
04:06idea of meeting Elvis. He phoned, though. Cried a bit. Sent us both his love and blessing.
04:12Fishing? Today? And him a vegetarian. Is Jenny not here yet? No, not a sign. Nor Carol. Yes,
04:21well, I'm afraid my marrying you is making me a traitor to the cause to which I recruited
04:26Carol. Even your changing your name to mine hasn't mollified her. No Betty and Rodney,
04:31though. That's odd. Fuming. Back to square one. Oh, dear. Eric. Thank you so much for
04:43inviting me, Mrs... Well, it's still Simcock, isn't it? At least for a few minutes. Please,
04:49call me Rita. You know, in my career, I've done 17 nuptials, Miss Rita. 17. Amazing.
04:56Well, no, no, what I wanted to say was... Well, yes, I suppose it's not a bad tribute,
05:00really. I'd never really thought of that. But what I wanted to say was, you're the first
05:04one ever to invite me to this ceremony, and I'm... Eric. Oh, I won't watch for a month.
05:12No, I've checked everything at the hotel, Mr. Ellsworth Smythe, and it's all well...
05:16Tickety-boo. Amazing. You've taken the very words out of my mouth. You must be psychic.
05:21Oh, but you're one in a million, Mrs. Rita. You've seen through the barman to the human
05:28being underneath, and... Well, I'll never, never forget that. Oh, uh...
05:47This war is to save us all.
05:50Well, quite a coincidence, Ted. No, not a coincidence, Rita. So what's the big idea,
05:58then? Sabotage our wedding day? No, no, no, of course not, absolutely not. Would I do
06:02a thing like that? No, no, I would not. No, look, look over there, look. They're all
06:07Sandra's. There'll be even more at the reception. How many have I been able to rustle up?
06:12Look, five. I'm a social outcast. Please, Ted, I don't want to cry on my wedding day.
06:18No, but I mean, could I formally invite my ex-wife and her fiancée? Could I formally
06:22invite my... Your ex-lover? Please, Rita, not today. Today I want to be a day of reconciliation
06:28all round. Do you? Yes, I do. That's why I thought if I bumped into you here, I could
06:35say, please pop into our reception. Well, strangely enough, Ted, Rita and I both decided
06:41to go to our reception. Yeah, but I know that's the whole point. They're in the same hotel.
06:46You what, Ted? Yes, yeah. You see, you're in the Sir Leonard Hotten room and we're in
06:51the Geoffrey Boycott room, which is much smaller and the service is very slow, so we won't
06:56upstage you. Now, I've asked the others to pop in for half an hour and have a drink.
07:01Rodney and Betty seem quite keen. So please, come and have a glass of champagne. Astus
07:07Permanente. We prefer it. Well, thank you, but I mean, it's a bit... Well, we'll see,
07:16shall we? Oh, please do. Eh, you look right belty, Mrs. Simcock. Thank you. You don't
07:24look so bad yourself, Mrs. Simcock. Hello, Mum. Hello, stranger. Well, I wasn't sure
07:32what sort of a reception you'd give me. Jenny. Friendly, of course. After all, you've twice
07:37walked out on Simcock Boys. I applaud that. Mum. The only slight cloud being that both
07:42times you've left a Simcock Boy, it's been to move in with his brother, but that's a
07:45mere detail. Mum. Crying? Yes. Good. Hello, Carol. Jenny's gone back to court. Good.
08:02Will you pop in to our reception? Hooray, my life's ambition achieved. The pinnacle
08:09client. I mean, we'll be going away for good. Ah, well, now, that is a cause for celebration.
08:16In that case, I shall be delighted. Hello, Cinder. Not yet. Ah, save your Rs, Elvis.
08:29She hasn't ditched me. No. No, she wouldn't. Ah, belt up. Can't we at least try to be
08:41civil today? Not for me, for your mum and dad. Oh, all right. I mean, we don't have
08:46to talk if we can avoid it, but if we can't avoid it, and I hope we can, but if we can't,
08:51let's at least try to be coolly polite. Well, all right. Thanks. Thanks. All right. Elvis,
09:01you've upset Simon and Jenny already, haven't you? What have you said? Oh, let's think.
09:06To Simon, I said, no, Lucinda, then ah, then no, then ah again. To Jenny, I said, oh, all
09:14right, well, all right, and all right. My word, you're surpassing even your normal level
09:19of inarticulacy. Mum? Why don't you try total silence? Britain's first Trappist philosopher.
09:26Mum? Hey, have you upset your mother? What have you said to her? Oh, I said mum and mum.
09:32Don't speak to your mother like that. Dad? Have you upset your father now? I'm sorry,
09:38but how do you think I feel? On me wedding day, not turning up to collect me as arranged
09:43and not telling me why. I couldn't, Mum. Look, Mum, I'm here now, and I want to help
09:49make this a happy day for you. I've switched my bleeper off. My God, greater love hath
09:57no man. Thank you, Elvis. Rita, Rita, we had no alternative. He swore us to secrecy.
10:09And for the first time in your lives, you kept a secret. Congratulations. Oh, don't
10:13be like that, Rita. It's not every day we're invited to two weddings at the same time.
10:17No, how will your system work? Will one of you get drunk at each reception? Rita? Oh,
10:22I am sorry. I shouldn't have said that, not today. It's just with me previous and seeing
10:29Ted and everything, I'm... We understand. We believe, don't we, Betty? Oh, we do, we
10:34do, utterly. Ted's done it for the very best of motives. A day of reconciliation all round.
10:39If we hadn't believed that, we'd never have come, Rita. We are your friends. We want to
10:43drink to your Ted's health, and we want to drink to young Sandra's health. And to your
10:47health, and to Geoffrey's health. Everybody's health. I think I believe you. Thank you.
10:54I do believe you. You really are the very best of friends. Yes, listen, I'd like to
11:03accept Ted's invitation. Oh, tremendous. So would I. Ted, I'd like to accept your invitation,
11:10and we hope that you'll come to our reception as well. Oh, good. Well, yes, yes, Rita. You're
11:17right. Let us make this a day of reconciliation all round. Come on, Geoffrey. What did they
11:29say? Oh, great news. They've accepted. A day of reconciliation all round. Oh, hello, Simon.
11:36Noel and Cindy. Oh, she done ditched you. Has she? Oh, there we go, sir. Just the jar
11:47of tickety-boo. Oh, dear, we do look long. Cheer up, sir. It may never happen. It has
11:54happened. A touch of the 83, sir. Very fine vintage, as I'm sure you will know, being
12:01something of a connoisseur. Well, yes, I think I can say I know my way round a wine list.
12:06Thank you, Eric. You're a treasure. Oh, thank you, sir. Your lovely lady not here yet. Not
12:11indisposed, I trust. Why don't you cut the tittle-tattle and concentrate on doing the
12:15job you're paid to do. Drop more of the sparkling grape, ladies. Oh, right. Thank you very
12:24much. Thank you very much, Eric. There you go. Very special champagne for two very special
12:31ladies, who are, if you'll forgive the play on words, as bubbly as the bubbly. Oh, dear,
12:37excuse me. It's just she's all churned up about Elvis and Simon and Elvis and Paul and
12:46her mother and Rita. It was just you being so cheerful upset her, I think. Good afternoon,
12:58madam. May I replenish your glass at all? The funeral's over, Eric. For goodness sake,
13:04cheer up or I'll cry. Ah. Ah? Well, yes, um, Jeffrey tells me that you had a little
13:14chat with him. Ah. He tells me that you regret suggestions made at the, um... Funeral? Rita,
13:20my husband's funeral? It's not something I can't face mentioning. Although, of course,
13:24I don't want to harp on it and cast a cloud of depression over your joyful day. That you
13:29regret saying that we should end our feud. Oh, I must be careful what I say to Jeffrey.
13:33It'll all come back to you. Well, we are married. Yes, yes, I remember the ceremony. I thought
13:38the registry office people did their best to make it seem a happy occasion. Jeffrey also
13:43tells me that you don't relish the prospect of... Intruding on your marital bliss. Amazingly
13:48enough, I don't. Look, what I really wanted to say... You mean all this so far has been
13:55small talk? Well, no, look, Jeffrey and I are going to wish Ted and Sandra well, and
14:02we wondered if you'd find it easier to go to Ted and Sandra's wedding if you came with
14:06us. Why should I find it difficult? Well, you're having... With Ted and... And it's
14:13not been... My kind of thing? Why are you frightened of saying it? No, it isn't. They're
14:21not my kind of people. However, I should put in an appearance, but not tagging along
14:26with you either as a sop to your conscience or as a pathetically lonely figure to remind
14:30you of your good fortune. For you've taken my brother, Rita. Cease this charade that
14:35you want me to. Rita, Jeffrey. Oh, great. You came, you came. Great, great. Come, come
14:46in. Come in and meet everybody. Excuse me, everybody, everybody. Just a minute. I'd like
14:51you very much to meet my very good friend, Rita Ellsworth Sprague. Sprague. Rita Sprague.
15:00Yes, Sprague. Sprague. Sprague, Rita. Yes, Sprague. And her husband, husband, Jeffrey
15:07Sprague. Jeffrey Sprague. Sprague, yes, you have Sprague. And I'd like you to meet...
15:12Oh, well, this, look, this is Sandra's mum. Hello. Yeah, there she is. And Sandra's nan,
15:16Sandra's dad. There's the, Sandra's brothers here. Look, Darren, Warren and Dean. See?
15:22And there, who else? Oh, look, somebody else should be serving you today. It doesn't make
15:28me inferior. I don't serve him, folk. And it's my wedding day. And why shouldn't I do
15:32what makes me happy? Because it's happy day, isn't it, Rita? Oh, it is. It certainly is.
15:42Oh. I know. Give a dog a bad name and the mud sticks. You what, Rodney? Well, aside,
15:48because Benedict saw us, he turned away, because we have a reputation which is no longer justified,
15:53but once won, isn't easily unworn. Oh, no, aside, because of the young people, because
15:58I noticed at the registry office, tensions. Oh, well, right, well, you could not notice.
16:06And I thought tensions, sadnesses at a wedding, it's a pity. At a double wedding, it's a double
16:11pity. And I thought, let's go and pour some of the calming balm of our experience over
16:17the stormy waters of their immature emotions. Well, if you put it like that. Oh, Elvis.
16:25Now, Rodney and I, we couldn't help noticing. Well, you couldn't. Not that we're poking
16:30our noses in. Well, we wouldn't. No, but you couldn't. And we did. Notice that you and
16:35Jenny. That I'm barely speaking to the little cow? Yeah, well, no, no, not the little cow,
16:40no, but, oh, yes. Children, make your peace for your mothers. Absolutely, especially for
16:48Rita on her wedding day. And for your father, Elvis. On his wedding day. Quite unusual,
16:52really, isn't it? Both your parents marrying on the same day. I mean, when they're not
16:56marrying each other. Betty. So, how about it? Oh, why not? Maybe Jenny meant it when
17:04she said she loved me. Maybe our love could have survived anything, except martyrdom.
17:08Martyrdom? Well, you can't resist feeling sorry for people, and without Paul in prison,
17:12you were bound to feel sorrier for him than for me. That is totally untrue, Elvis. Elvis
17:16didn't mean your love for him wasn't genuine. Yes, he did. Yes, I did. I'm only glad I went
17:21back to Paul before you exposed Simon and lost him his job, and it seems his fiancee.
17:25Because if I'd gone back afterwards, everyone would have said I'd gone because you exposed
17:28him, and I went because I love Paul more than ever now after prison, which has matured him.
17:32Oh, it's the suffering matures people syndrome, is it? Well, I've suffered as well, you know,
17:37being dragged through the emotional mangle by you, so I'm just as mature as him, so there,
17:40fish face. And you needn't think I'm sorry, because I'm glad, because it's Carol I love.
17:45Oh, um, Carol, love. Look, come and try and get these young people to look on the bright
17:51side. I am trying to look on the bright side. I'm trying to forget her. I wish you would.
17:55Elvis, you were friendly with Carol once. Why don't you ask her out again? Oh, no chance.
18:00Oh, but he's just told us. You don't mind, do you, Elvis? No, of course you don't. He
18:04loves you. Obviously, linguistic analysis was not your strong point in philosophy. You
18:11what? Words have meanings. Love has a meaning. It means love. It doesn't mean knock about
18:17with until somebody cleverer comes along. Well, nobody cleverer came along. Are you
18:21saying she's cleverer than me? No. Are you saying I'm stupider than her? No, no, you're
18:27of identical intellectual ability. Oh, what a cop-out. Right. I don't think it was very
18:32clever what you did with my husband, Carol. Hell's bells, Jenny, nor do I, but that was
18:36yonks ago. I was an immature kid then. Simon, come and sort these people out. What's wrong?
18:44Oh, relationships. Love, life, families. Oh, that. Well, they'll all grow up one day. Does
18:51that include me? Well, yes, frankly. You pompous idiot. Well spoken for once. I suppose
18:57everybody's right sometimes. Law of averages. Don't start being sarcastic about my sister,
19:01you rancid slug. I can defend myself without your support, thank you very much, Simon.
19:05Well, I'm glad to hear it. I think I'm well out of it. Well, go then. I will. Don't worry.
19:10Oh, Lord, I shouldn't have said that. Not today. Carol, I've been thinking. Wonders
19:19will never cease. Kids, what's the trouble with being mature for your age? All your friends
19:26seem so childish. Well, we tried. Yes. We were right to try. Yes. Peacemaker has a hard
19:39road to hoe. Very true. Oh. Let's go give Ted our blessing. Good idea. We might find
19:49easier to get a drink in there. Well, it'll be all right in time. He just can't stand
19:55crowded rooms or Elvis. Yeah, well, I'm not surprised. What's he doing going fishing for
20:01any road? I mean, he's a vegetarian. Well, he doesn't catch anything. He just sits big
20:05gravel pits and dreams. He'll be all right in time. No, they're a lovely family, Rita.
20:15I'm a lucky man. Don't they, uh, aren't they worried? About me being much older than them?
20:23Well, yes, partly. Well, I suppose they would have preferred somebody much younger first,
20:30but they've come to appreciate my many qualities, my maturity, my sincerity. What do you mean
20:35partly? Well, I mean, aren't they worried because of your... Employment prospects? No,
20:41not at all. Have we got plans? Because of your reputation. My reputation? I don't know
20:47if you're talking about Rita. What reputation? Well, you having been a bit of a... And our
20:53marriage not working. I mean, don't they... Well, after all, she's their only daughter.
20:59Yes, well, you and I were very young and that lasted 25 years, par for the course. I was
21:04talking about love, not golf. Sorry. I don't want to have a row with you today, but... Oh,
21:11Ted, some of the things you did. Well, don't you think that we sometimes made mountains
21:16out of molehills? Doreen from the Friendly Building Society wasn't a molehill. Big Bertha
21:22from Nuremberg certainly wasn't a molehill. And as for Liz, well, she was a sexual owl.
21:29Yes, yes, all right, Rita, all right. Look, that's all in the past. Leaving Sandra for
21:33Corinna, it's not that long in the past, Ted. No, well, I'm grateful to Corinna. No, I mean
21:38I am. I believe that Corinna was sent to show me the error of my ways. You know, for much
21:43of my life, much of my behaviour has been that of a berk. That surprised you, haven't
21:48I? Well, yes. I know, difficult to see me as a berk. No, I'm surprised you see yourself
21:53as a berk. You are? Sorry. Well, anyway, give us a chance. Oh, I mean, I do, I love Sandra.
22:02Hmm, maybe I never before. I see. No, no, no, I mean, of course, I mean, I loved you.
22:09And it went wrong. And now you love Sandra. And it won't go wrong. Well, yes, because,
22:18um, well, oh, look at that, they've come. Danger of meaningful conversation with Ted
22:25averted. Cheers. You're looking more beautiful than ever. Nice body, pity about the brain.
22:47No, no, no, you're looking more intelligent than ever too. I underestimated you. Well,
22:53I think so. Is there really no chance at all? None. I'm not sure I don't want to remain
23:01without a man forever. But even if I ever decide I don't want to remain without a man,
23:05I'd be stupid not to look for one who never thought I wasn't good enough for him. All
23:10those negatives, they seem to add up to one enormous negative. That was the general idea.
23:20The rat must expect to be deserted by the ships he's helped to sink. Thank goodness
23:24there weren't three of you. Three Simcox sons for my daughter to rebel against me by falling
23:28in love with me. Do you have to be the central figure even in that scenario? Very good. That's
23:34quite an effective little thrust. Some ways you're improving. What a pity I shall never
23:39forgive you for destroying my son's career. He destroyed his career. I merely did me duty.
23:44To what? Justice, truth. Phooey. Now, excuse me. I must go and disconcert Ted. Thanks,
23:55Rita, for your concern. It does you credit. You what? I saw you talking to Ted. You're
24:02right worried about him. How he'll treat me, whether he'll look for bits on the side like
24:06what he did with you. Well, I wouldn't have put it quite like that. Look, it's none of
24:13my business. No, there's no point. I mean, you married the damage. Look, I don't mean
24:21the damage. Well, I hope I don't mean the damage. Oh, look, Sandra, I shouldn't really
24:26be saying anything. You can't understand how I can marry him after he ditched me for that
24:30con artist. Well, no, frankly, I can't. Ted apologised and it worked right beautifully.
24:38It really was. And when I thought about it, I felt he was sincere. Oh, being so false,
24:45it opened his eyes to what's real. Well, that's what I reckon, idiot road. Well, I hope you're
24:51right. Your Geoffrey's a right yell, isn't he? I beg your pardon? Are you calling my
25:00husband, that dear, quiet, bearded man over there, a right yell? Yeah, because he is.
25:07Missy. Liz, you came. Yes. Liz, champagne. Oh, you do have champagne. I heard a dreadful
25:15rumour you already had Asty Spumanti. We do. We call it champagne, which you very well
25:22know, but we like it. What's so funny, Rita? Well, you're trying to disconcert Ted and
25:27a disconcerter to find you can't disconcert him. And since you bring out the worst in
25:32me, I find that funny. Sorry. I'll leave you two together so you can discuss old times.
25:43Rita's right. If you're coming to laugh at us, don't bother. We're beyond the reach of
25:47ridicule. How touching. Yes. Yes. In the peace and tranquillity of my love, I feel no old
25:56wounds, no bitterness. I hope, I mean I do, you will find happiness again soon. A new
26:02man, you mean? No, well, I mean, yes. Half of me never wants to find another man. Half
26:08of me understands too late how Neville felt about Drain's death. And the other half? Screams
26:13with loneliness and I can't tell anybody. You just told me. Yes, I did, yes. You're
26:18cutting a really rather good figure today. It's absurd, but you're carrying it on. I've
26:23always admired that. Suddenly I remember why I once found you so attractive. Thanks for
26:33coming. Jeffrey, Sandra said you were, I don't know how to say it, a right yell. Oh, did
26:44she? Oh, that's nice. Well, I do feel at ease among her friends and relations. But you've
26:49never been even remotely a right yell with me. Of course not. I'm in love with you. But
26:55maybe when passion fades in the evening of our lives, my right yellishness will take
27:00over. What did you say to them? Oh, I was telling them about the peoples I've studied,
27:06their customs, rituals, taboos. I told them about the native women who greet the tourists
27:11wearing grass skirts and bare breasts when in the back of their hearts there are clothes
27:14lines on which he's got some jeans. I told them Indians who accept American Express cards
27:20for shrunken heads. I told them how the advanced world is dragging the primitive world into
27:27its clutches. Some see this as a comedy, I see it as a tragedy, but the dividing line
27:31between the two is way pathetic. I'm frightened. Why, my love, why? Because I don't know you.
27:41What a voyage of discovery awaits you. Elvis, I'm feeling ashamed. I've just been talking
27:49to some of your mum's counsellor friends who knew your dad and have rather dropped him.
27:53But she's made them promise to go and give him their blessing. You and I should go in
27:57there and be nice to each other for your parents' sakes. Yeah, you're right. Thanks. Excuse
28:06me, Carol. We're bearing our differences and going to give Ted and Sandra our blessing.
28:12Smashing. I'll come, too. I want to be at peace with every single person in the world.
28:18No, with the possible exception of Simon. Oh, hello, Simon. We're going up to see Ted
28:24and Sandra. You coming? I can't really. I want to be here when Lucinda arrives. She
28:30will come. Well, none of us said anything. You didn't need to. Look sod off if you're
28:36going. So what are these plans then, Ted? You what, Rita? Well, you said you had plans.
28:43What sort of plans? Oh, that must have been at least half an hour ago. I know, but it's
28:48only just filtered through. Well, come on. Oh, you're not really interested? No, not
28:56really. But I keep hoping that if I make the right social noises, one day interest
29:00may return. Come on, Ted. What are these plans? Well, ah, good you came. Of course we did.
29:10Hello, Dad. Hello, Mum. Hello, Mum. Cheers. Just before you came in, Ted was just bursting
29:21to tell us about his and Sandra's plans, weren't you, Ted? Er, yes, well. Oh, what's
29:27all this then, Dad? Hmm? Yeah, well, er, it's just, er, well, we're just opening a catering
29:33outlet. A restaurant, you mean? Well, yes, in a, in a, in a, um, no, not really, no.
29:40I thought you didn't care what folk thought anymore. I don't, I won't when we get over
29:45there, but I know this crappy lot, they'll all laugh. Over there? Over where? The A64.
29:50The A64? Go on, Ted, tell them. It's your idea. Yeah, well, er, it's not exactly a restaurant
29:58exactly. It's, it's more like a mobile caravanette borrowed off Sandra's brother, Dean. We're
30:05going to be selling snacks from a lay-by on the A64. We'll sell teas and coffees, hot
30:11chocolate, Bobrill soup, soft drinks, fizzy and still, homemade cakes and scones. Yes,
30:16it's all Sandra's department. Crisps, buns, sandwiches. Oh, what else? We'll be happy.
30:23Oh, yeah, that and all. It's gonna be called Ted's Snacks. Yes, spelt with an X. Well,
30:34that's tremendous. Er, two Ted's Snacks, spelt with an X. Ted's Snacks, spelt with an X.
30:45You all think it's funny, don't you? Eh? Ah, go on. Go on, laugh. We don't care. Don't
30:53worry, we'll make a success of it, won't we? I've already got permission off the farmers
30:57to put up two ginormous great big signs. One on a horse chestnut westwards and the other
31:02on a beech tree eastwards from the lay-by saying Ted's Snacks, 800 yards. Don't miss
31:06it, and they won't. They won't. People will pour in. It'll be like a licence to print
31:10money. It will. Rita, I'm surprised at you, smoking. Liz, yes, cos she's a snob. Ted,
31:16not today. Rodney and Betty, yes, because you're probably half-caught. Ted! Elvis, fair
31:22enough, cynical little sod. All the youngsters, yes, that's fair enough too. Mock, mock, mock,
31:27cos it's easier than thinking. But you, Rita. You. I never thought you'd go all Iron Mighty
31:31on me. And what about you, Geoffrey? What do you think you're doing, renouncing your
31:35double barrel, calling yourself Sprague? I mean, you don't fool me. Ted, I thought you
31:39didn't have a chip anymore. More like a jacket potato. Thank you, Elvis. I can do without
31:45your helpful remarks. Thank you very much. I just, just want to be happy and have Sandra's
31:50kids. I mean, well, she do. Have mine. Go on, sir. Yes. They are, see, astounded. It's
32:00very touching, Ted. Oh, it is touching. We never could have them, you know. That's why
32:06we love other people so much. Well, if it's what Sandra wants. Oh, it is. Well, if you're
32:13sure. I'm not a women's liver, I'm afraid. I want to be dominated by a masterful older
32:18man. I want to dominate a younger woman who wants to be dominated by a masterful older
32:23man. Ted. I mean, what you lot want, don't get me wrong, I think it's great. Women should
32:29have the right. But it shouldn't be compulsory. There's no cause, no cause in the whole world
32:35more important than the freedom to choose what suits you. If it's legal. Well, that's
32:43what I reckon anyway. Darling. Darling, you've come. Of course I did, my darling. You didn't
32:54doubt me, did you, my darling? Of course I didn't, my darling. You weren't worried I
32:58wouldn't stand by you, were you, my darling? Of course I wasn't, my darling. Champagne,
33:02my darling. Madam, a touch of the 83. Oh, please. There you go, tickety poo. You are
33:10awfully late, though. I know. Some urgent business cropped up and it involved you. Me?
33:16Yes. It's incredibly exciting, but I can't tell you in front of everyone. Where is everyone?
33:23Yes, where is everybody?
33:39Sir, madam, madam, madam, sir, champagne. Oh, the real stuff. Well, if you'll excuse
33:46me, I just have to go... Get away from us, of course you do. Oh, not me. Lucinda, you
33:53came. Surely you didn't doubt your future daughter-in-law? No, no, though why you should
33:58think him worth standing by under the circumstances amazes me. But the circumstances have changed,
34:02mother. I've just phoned him. I'm seeing him tomorrow, sweetie plum. Elvis. Thanks. You
34:13are? Thanks, old chum. For what you did? Old chum? It's in the bag. Thought it would
34:19be. Children, please, what's in what bag? I've just been offered a job by a very large
34:25go-ahead firm. What? Why? They seem impressed by what I did at Trellis, Trellis, Openshaw
34:30and Finch. They admire his go-ahead qualities. What, you mean his dishonesty? They call it
34:34my initiative. They would. Who is this firm? I'm not a liberty to say yet. Well, what sort
34:39of firm are they? What do they make? They don't make anything. They own things. That
34:43figures. So, Elvis, thank you for making my career, not breaking it. Yes, thank you, Elvis.
34:50I've never really seen you properly before. You're not irredeemably horrendous, are you?
34:56Isn't it amazing? Simon thought I ditched him. There I was, digging up a new career
35:00for him, supporting him morally and practically so that he can support me in the manner to
35:04which I could very rapidly become accustomed. Oh, you have little faith. I'm only just
35:11beginning to realise what a strong personality Lucinda is. Isn't it terrific? Terrific?
35:19Well, all obstacles to a beautiful friendship are now removed. Oh, but I didn't want to
35:24get him a... You really don't like him, do you? No, I don't suppose I do, but it isn't
35:28that. I mean, is he the sort of person who gets on in our society? You'll have to answer
35:32that. You're the investigative journalist. Come to dinner on Saturday. I'd like to celebrate
35:37Simon's job. I'd like to thank you for getting it. I don't think I could face him so soon.
35:42Oh, Simon and Lucinda won't be there. No, no one else will be there. We'll dine alone.
35:47We may find no spark. We may become friends. Even perhaps. Oh, don't. Don't look so shocked.
35:58So much older than you, congratulations. You inherited your father's tact. Look at the
36:03age difference between Ted and Sandra. What's different? He's a man. Oh, Elvis. Oh, how
36:10provincial. But you and I are unattached. I mean, we're nothing to anyone. We're free
36:16to explore the possibilities at whatever pace we choose. What do you say? I can't work.
36:23You know, I was rather afraid you would. Elvis, I meant everything I said earlier. The answer
36:35is still no. But I also meant it when I said I wanted to be friends with everyone so I
36:41feel no bitterness. I forgive you. There it is. What on earth's wrong with you? Nothing,
36:56nothing. Just that all these women keep kissing me. Lucinda, Liz, Carol. Masses of kisses
37:03all for the wrong reason. Oh, poor old Elvis. He looked as sad and clapped out as a teddy
37:09bear that doesn't squeak anymore. Betty. Oh, dear. Can I do anything for you, sir? You
37:17kisses are clucky, one. Honestly, young people today. Oh, Lord. You're right. They're not
37:27your sort of people. They're friendly to everyone. You're only friendly to your sort of people.
37:32Hello. Welcome. Come in, all of you. Exaggeratedly abusive to show me up and make me angry? Well,
37:38I won't rise to it. Very wise. Never give people the satisfaction of knowing that they've
37:42succeeded in annoying you. That's what I always say. Do you really? How very boring of you.
37:47I'd like to hit that woman. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing she's succeeded
37:53in annoying you. Rodney, are you drunk? Yes. Oh, Rodney, but you don't need to be drunk
38:01as you only get drunk because of your guilty conscience, because of your chickens, but
38:05you haven't got a guilty conscience any longer. Yes, I do. I told you at that thing with those
38:12roads. I'm a sham. You're looking for me, ain't I, sham? Oh, no, no, no, no, that isn't.
38:19But how do we know spinach doesn't suffer? You are, Rodney. Of course, you don't feel
38:26it's got no nervous central system. Nervous spinach, neurotic leeks, paranoid parsnips.
38:33Oh, Rodney. Are you drunk? As a rat, but that's all right because I only get drunk because
38:43I'm happy and because of my larger than love of life and because today I have been to four
38:50weddings, but you get drunk because you're sad and that makes me sad because when you're
38:56sad, I don't want you to be sad because when you're sad, you get all miserable and when
39:00you get all miserable, I get all miserable and I get all miserable and I get sad. Oh,
39:06Betty. Oh, Rita. Is this goodbye? Yes, Ted. Oh, Rita. Oh, heck. I failed you. All those
39:30years. All those wasted years. Well, not entirely wasted. You gave me two summers, but I'll
39:38let you down. Well... We had some good times, though, didn't we? Oh, yes. I remember a Thursday.
39:50Oh, come on now. We had some happy memories. We had some good laughs. Oh, yes. Yes, I suppose
39:58we did. Do you remember that time in Bannard Castle when you slipped on that dog shit?
40:05Ted, is that the humorous highlight of your marital memories? No, no, no. Of course it
40:12is. No, it's not. No. It was funny, though. It was. Ted and Rita are laughing a lot. Yes,
40:22yes. Expiating the past so that they can live with us without bitterness, no regrets. Ted
40:29Simcock, the Edith Piaf of the A64. No, but it's great, isn't it? Yes, very touching,
40:40yes. Do you remember that cocky fellow with the flashy yacht? He was standing by that
40:46bollard in Sandra Bay, do you remember? With those really short shorts. That's the one.
40:51And that very pretty girl went by and he leaned nonchalantly back and missed his bollard.
40:56And he went mace over apex straight into the harbor. Rita and Ted, you don't think they
41:05wouldn't, would they? They couldn't. Well, of course they couldn't. Not on their... Could
41:11they? Well, I mean, I suppose they could. Well, yes, they could. Of course they could.
41:15But they wouldn't, would they? It was that canal holiday. And we were trying to take
41:23the kids for that bath. Oh, that's right. Yes. And that pompous couple came in behind
41:30us, didn't they? And she said... I remember she said... What did she say? She said, Oh
41:35my God, Lionel, it's absolutely crawling with children. I know, poor Pauline nearly
41:42died with embarrassment. Dear, oh dear. Are there still people around like that? Oh, yes,
41:49I'm afraid there very probably are. Oh, dear, well, that's absolutely appalling. Absolutely
41:56appalling. They're laughing a hell of a lot. Yes, it really is an extremely touching scene.
42:04Had you thought by now that... They'd have expiated vast areas of the past, yes, so should
42:08I. I should have thought that a little farewell peck on the cheek would have been coming up
42:12by now. Oh, what a life we could have led if I'd had more sense. Oh, me too, Ted. Needing
42:23to be liked, worrying what folk thought morning, noon and night. Me too, Ted. What a couple
42:31we'd have made if we'd have known what we know now. What a couple we'd have made. There
42:47it is. Yes, I'd hardly describe it as a little peck on the cheek. Ruddy, I'll know. Oh, I
42:56say, Rodney. Better not, Betty. Oh, I wouldn't, Rodney. No regrets, though. You what? Well,
43:15I mean about today. We're not going for second best. No, no, no, no, no. I mean, no way.
43:22I mean, no. No, we aren't. Good luck, Ted. Good luck, Rita. Were you worried? Daft
43:47chump. Were you worried? No, no. I said no, Rita. We'll be off in a minute. Liz. If this
44:00is going to be yet another appeal for me to treat your home as my own, forget it. Go on,
44:05get off. I'll be all right. I'll stick my claws into some poor, unsuspecting... Some
44:13poor, unsuspecting, unmarried man. Unmarried? Well, I broke up your marriage. I don't want
44:18a repeat of that disaster. Disaster? You put in chain a series of events which ended in
44:23Rita marrying me. Precisely. So, this is goodbye. Not goodbye. We'll be dead chuffed if you
44:32ever popped in for a cuppa. Sadly, I fear you're going to have to remain dead unchuffed.
44:36Oh, it'll be right hygienic. Not like these posh restaurants where you get all the chefs
44:41spittle in the soup. Our soup will be tinned. Sandra. If you're a bit embarrassed because
44:47you once had a bit of a ding-dong with Ted, don't be. There's no need. Thank you, Sandra.
44:52You are making this a perfect farewell. You want, Liz? Reminding one why one is so pleased
44:57one will never see again the people one will never again see. Oh, just a minute. One will
45:02see one because one has forgotten that one will be visiting one's son. No, Ted. You can't
45:08offer him a parent's love. It's already too late. He'll drift apart. There'll be long
45:14awkward silences in zoos and burger bars. You'll be an embarrassment to him. Me? An
45:19embarrassment to my son? When he's at boarding school, a dead lawyer to whom I was once married
45:25will be less embarrassing than the live owner of a snack bar in a lay-by. With whom I once
45:30had what your wife so charmingly described as a bit of a ding-dong. You mean I should
45:36never see him again? I really do think it would be best, Ted. Oh, one tiny social point,
45:55Sandra, it's hardly worth mentioning, but one does not refer to people like Liz as having
46:01a bit of a ding-dong. Sorry. No. No, it's all right. You were great. You were. Oh, you
46:12are. You are. You really are. We're leaving in a jiffy. Oh, good move. Sounds much more
46:21upmarket than a car. We just wanted to say we have no hard feelings. I have no hard feelings
46:26at all. Well, several replies spring to mind. I'll settle for why should you? Precisely.
46:32It all looks like working out really well for us. If only we could get Simon's mother
46:36fixed up with some suitable man, life would be perfect. Yes, I suppose if she's lonely,
46:40she might intrude rather embarrassingly on your yuppie bliss. You're determined to be
46:44unpleasant, aren't you? He doesn't need determination. It comes easily to him. Some suitable man?
46:50What sort of suitable man? I don't know. Just someone I'd be happy to see mother with, I suppose.
46:56It's almost worth it to see your face. You've someone in mind? No. No. No. No. Come on,
47:07Simon. There are some people I want you to meet that could be useful to you. She's so
47:12dynamic and strong and organized. It's wonderful. Hello, Mum. Don't say anything, Jenny. What
47:22about? Anything. Today, the present, the past, the future, me, you, Paul, Elvis, Neville,
47:29the shanty towns of El Salvador, anything. I couldn't stand it. Just don't go away. Mum.
47:41Right, Rita, we're off. Right. Yes, Ted. Well, if you ever find yourself in the vicinity
47:49of the A64, you know, you can't miss us. You see the sign, Ted's Snacks. You'd rather
47:55be on the horse chestnut or the beech tree. Yes, well, if ever we are in the vicinity,
48:00we'll drop in for a cuppa and a slice of Sandra's homemade cake, won't we, darling? No. Rita.
48:06I don't think I could bear it. Rita. Just in case they weren't happy. Rita, we will
48:12be, won't we, Sandra? Course we will. There you are, you see? Straight from the horse's
48:17mouth. Oh, no. Perhaps not. No, Rita, this is it. Yes. Bye-bye. It's all right. Bye-bye.
48:29No, Rodney, it has to be said. I quite agree. I quite agree. Ladies and gentlemen, ladies
48:40and gentlemen. We have an announcement to announce. Oh, heck. Well, don't look so alarmed.
48:48All right, in the past, we've let the cat out of the bag and the cat's killed a few
48:52pigeons coming home to roosts when we've had a many-to-few. Oh, that's wrong. A few-to-many.
48:59No, it's a many-to-many. Dear, just when for once everything seemed... Oh, how can I put
49:04it? Tickety-boo. Amazing. You're both psychic. Have you two finished? Good. We have a message
49:12for you all. We hope you all live happily ever after. We're not taking any bets on it.
49:26You bet we are.