Stan is going on a literal busman's holiday to Spain with other crew members, and decides to get a tan by sunbathing at the local graveyard. Unfortunately a tramp steals his uniform, and he has to break into his holiday money in order to buy a new one. Due to Mum's zeal when it comes to packing his case, he has to dip into it again as a penalty for carrying excess baggage
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00:00On the buses, number 6, part 1, production number 0261, then recorded 20th of the 6th, 69, take 1.
01:00It's alright, two weeks in Spain. All go and collect your tickets today. Great stuff.
01:17You're not going on, are you?
01:19Of course I am. Two gorgeous weeks in sunny Spain, mate.
01:22How do you know you're going to like it in Spain anyway?
01:24Because you're going to be back here in England.
01:26Hey Jack, see this, mate? The tickets have arrived, boy.
01:29Oh, I can hardly wait. Bert was telling me the birds are knee-deep on the beaches.
01:34I just think they're lying there now in the sun, waiting for us.
01:38And in three days' ride, they'll just be ripe.
01:40Yeah, just like melons. You have to squeeze them to see if they're ready.
01:46You two weak-kneed, washed-out Romeos. You think beautiful girls are going to bother with you two?
01:51Not unless the sun's driven them delirious first.
01:54Don't you worry, mate. We've got a good gimmick. Come here, Jack, show him.
01:57How about that?
01:58A camera? What's good, Seth?
02:00Listen, mate, this is a special one. I borrowed it off Bert.
02:03You get the picture straight away. See, just pull it out the back there, like that.
02:06Birds fall for it, you see. They think we're a couple of these photographers from Chelsea, you see.
02:09I pose them, he snaps them.
02:12Girls in Spain are never going to fall for that old guff.
02:15Don't worry about Spain, mate. They fell for it for a wet weekend in Yarmouth last year.
02:19Come on, miss, we're organised.
02:22I tell you, Seth, look, I've got the tape measure, he's got the camera.
02:26Tape measure? You mean to tell me the girls are going to fall for that?
02:30They think we're going to put their pictures on the front of the magazines.
02:35Magazine?
02:37Busman's Gazette?
02:39Listen, mate, as soon as the birds know they're going to be photographed, they start stripping off.
02:43They do? Yeah, yeah. Disgusting.
02:45Yeah, that's the beauty of it.
02:47Hey, Eileen, darling, do you want your picture taken?
02:50What, now?
02:51Yeah, it's one of them new cameras. A couple of seconds and you can see the picture.
02:54Oh, yeah. I've heard about them. All right.
02:57Yeah, all right, then. Just stand here, darling.
02:59Just a minute. Must take my jacket off.
03:01What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?
03:03Hey, give me another half hour. My mate and I are standing here in the ticket machine.
03:07Yeah, well, you'd better measure the focus, Stan.
03:10Oh, I thought...
03:11Yes, I'd better. Would you hold the...
03:13I'll hold that, then.
03:14Where shall we take it to, then, Jack?
03:16Well, which bit do we want in sharpest focus?
03:18Well, I don't know yet, really.
03:21Um, well, measure it...
03:26I'll tell you what, Stanley. Measure it to the nearest point, then.
03:33Perhaps on second thoughts, we'd better measure it to the second nearest point.
03:37How's that?
03:3863. That's lovely. Thank you very much.
03:40Hold that, darling. That's lovely. There we go.
03:43Can I see it now?
03:44Oh, it just takes a few seconds to develop, love.
03:46Oh, well, I'll go and get me way, Bill, then. I'll be back.
03:50Yes, but that tape measure only measures the distance to your subject.
03:54I mean, what about the distance on the camera, this distance finder?
03:57He ain't got one.
04:00He's got a fixed focus.
04:02That's not ideal, is it?
04:04You're depraved, the pair of you.
04:07Oh, now, Stan, look at that, mate.
04:10Whoa!
04:17We can see what your minds was on, can't we?
04:19Yeah.
04:20Well, you've got to admit, it was in focus. Well, that one is, anyway.
04:25Two lazy lecturers' layabouts.
04:27Decent girls ain't safe with a pair of you about.
04:30We don't only take birds, we take fellas as well, don't we?
04:32Oh, yeah, yeah.
04:33Hey, I'll tell you what. We'll do you a favour. We'll take one of you.
04:36Yeah.
04:37It's an idea, yes. I could send one to me old mother.
04:41She's never had one of me taken in me uniform in a demo before.
04:44Yeah, that's understandable.
04:46All right, then.
04:47Well, we'd better take him side face, I think, Stan.
04:49All right, Stan, just a minute.
04:52Well, which is his best side?
04:54Hang on a minute.
04:56Blimey, he ain't got one.
04:59Now, stop mucking me about. Are you going to take the picture or not?
05:02We're trying to find... What?
05:04Ah, yeah, marvellous idea, Jack.
05:06You with the bus in the background.
05:08Ah, the bus in the background.
05:10I love you like that. I love you like that.
05:17All right, boy.
05:18Oh, that's lovely. Lovely.
05:21Now, smile a bit, Blakey.
05:23I am smiling.
05:26Say cheese.
05:27Cheese.
05:28No, no, you'll have to do it more than that.
05:30It doesn't show up on a small picture, see.
05:32Look, lift your top lip up and show them.
05:34Cos you've got nice choppers.
05:35Yeah, a bit more.
05:37That's it. That's it.
05:39I'm not ready yet.
05:40Hang about. I'll show it to you.
05:42Here you two, I've got your holiday tickets.
05:44You've got to sign for them.
05:45Oh, good.
05:46There we are.
05:47Lovely, lovely, lovely.
05:48Do you know what? I might take my snorkel and me underwater flippers, Jack.
05:51Yeah, I think I'll pack my water wings.
05:53Well, you can take your deep-sea diving kit for all I care,
05:55but don't forget, only 33 pounds of baggage are allowed.
05:58Is that all?
05:59That's all.
06:00Would that mean that if we're over the top, we've got to pay?
06:02Yeah, it's all there in the envelope, and about the plane, hotel, everything.
06:04And don't forget, coach leaves here at 10 o'clock Saturday night.
06:07All right.
06:08Thanks, Nobby. See you later.
06:10Oh, Blakey boy.
06:12Oh, those beautiful birds in Spain.
06:15You know, I feel sorry for them, really.
06:17I mean, there's so many of them, and there's only one of me.
06:20Still, I'll do me best to spread myself round a bit.
06:23Never mind about thinking about picking beautiful young girls up off the beach.
06:27Get in that bus over there and think about picking up some ugly old girls in the high street.
06:32Go on, then. Get in the bus. You're late.
06:34All right. We take it you don't want to see your picture, then?
06:36Oh, is it? It's finished, is it?
06:38Oh, Stanley. Now, that is a very good likeness.
06:47That is a marvellous picture. That's very, very good indeed.
06:50Is it like me, is it?
06:51Oh, yeah.
06:52You think me mother will recognise me?
06:54Oh, definitely.
07:00Well, that's nothing like me at all.
07:02That's not me, is it?
07:03It must be. It says so on the side.
07:07Thank you.
07:19Have a row, have your tickets. Have a row, eh?
07:21Oh, two gorgeous weeks in sunny Spain.
07:24Oh, and he lucky of, getting away from this terrible weather.
07:28I don't really see the point. He'll probably catch pneumonia when he gets home.
07:31Oh, shut up.
07:32Why do you want to go to Spain for, anyway?
07:34Because it's different. It's got a different sort of an atmosphere, that's why.
07:36It certainly has with air plumbing.
07:39How would you know? Blimey, you and her only go to Lower Stoft every year.
07:42Oh, it's very nice, Stan. They have lovely bloaters.
07:47Oh, yes, it has happy memories for them, love.
07:49They went there on their honeymoon.
07:51I've never been able to look a bloater in the face since.
07:55Ah, it's a lovely place when you're newly married.
07:58I remember it well.
08:00Did you go there on your honeymoon?
08:01No, she came with us on ours.
08:04It's a shame, it's so expensive, love.
08:06Otherwise, I'd have come to Spain with you.
08:08Yeah, yeah, it is, but it doesn't make any difference.
08:11It wouldn't suit you there, Mum.
08:12No, you'll save it up for his honeymoon.
08:14Oh.
08:15The only thing that's wrong with Lower Stoft is,
08:17generally, it's too cold for me to wear my bikini.
08:19Yeah, well, of course, that is one of the advances they're going.
08:23Oh, well, the food's British anyway,
08:25and you don't get upset like you do in Spain.
08:28Oh, I must pop down to the chemist's to get your pills.
08:30I don't want any pills.
08:32Of course you do, cos you get the collywobbles.
08:35Oh, that's the front door.
08:37Oh, that'll be Jack. Olive, let him in, will you, love?
08:39Jack?
08:40Yeah.
08:41Oh, I'm worried about you going with Jack.
08:43Here, you won't get up to any mischief, will you, love?
08:46I must assure you, we're just going out for a few arrests.
08:49Ah, hello, this is me.
08:51Hello, love.
08:52Cup of tea, dear?
08:53No, thanks, I've just had one.
08:54I've got some smashing gear for the beach for us to impress the birds.
08:59Birds? I thought you were going for a rest.
09:02Er, what he meant was, er, he's got a bit of gear to make us look smart.
09:05Oh, yes, that's right.
09:06How about those?
09:07Oi!
09:09You can't wear that, it's not decent.
09:12It's all right.
09:13Yeah.
09:14It's all right, you can go in the water with them and up.
09:16Oh, well, I hope they're shrink-proof.
09:19I mean, that could be very embarrassing.
09:21It could be very painful, too.
09:24Oh, well, you won't be able to go on the beach, not in them things,
09:27for only five minutes the first day.
09:29I read all about Spain.
09:31You go red.
09:32And our family got such delicate skins, love.
09:35Oh, yes, remember that first time at Lowestoft
09:37when I got so sunburnt on the first day, Arthur?
09:40I was so sore for the rest of our stay, I couldn't bear Arthur to touch me.
09:45I remember that, yeah, it was a very good holiday.
09:49Now, you won't be able to go on the beach,
09:51not in the first week, not with those things on.
09:53No, perhaps the old girl's right.
09:55Oh, I've got plenty, I've got them cheap for the job, look.
09:57Here you are.
09:58Oh, that's all right.
09:59Oh, that's better.
10:00You can get sunbathing in that.
10:02Yeah.
10:03Look at that, see.
10:04It's a pity we can't all get a bit of sun, baby,
10:06then before we go, we'll give ourselves a bit of a start.
10:08Oh, yeah, it'd be lovely to turn up all nice and sunburned for the birds, wouldn't it?
10:12I can see it all now.
10:14You two wandering around them Spanish beaches
10:16looking like a couple of randy lobsters.
10:19I don't like that sort of talk.
10:21Nor me.
10:22We may be randy, but we won't look like lobsters.
10:24Scam!
10:41It's a pity we ain't at the suntan location, innit?
10:43Yeah.
10:44I could give you a quick rub down with some diesel oil, if you like.
10:49Am I getting brown?
10:51You're not, but your goose pimples are.
10:55Yeah, it's a bit nippy here, innit?
10:56Shall we turn it in?
10:58Oh, we've still got five minutes left.
11:00Yeah, all right, then.
11:19Oh!
11:29Oh, blimey, it's nippy that way.
11:31Might as well turn it in.
11:33I mean, we don't want to overdo it, do we?
11:35No.
11:49Oh, Jack!
11:51Yeah?
11:52Have you seen my clothes?
11:53No, I never touched them.
11:55I've got me's at them.
11:59You sure?
12:01Here.
12:04I reckon somebody's pinched them.
12:09I've got mine all right.
12:10Well, talk about full-up, though, have you, Jack?
12:12Well, I haven't.
12:13Where's mine? Where are they?
12:14Well, fancy leaving them now, you stupid nit.
12:17I mean, that's arse-gip for trouble, innit?
12:19Well, if you don't shut your gob, you'll be arse-gip for trouble.
12:21Well, if somebody's pinched your clothes, you'll just have to go back like that, won't you?
12:24I can't drive through town like this, mate.
12:26I'm a bus driver, not Lady Godiva.
12:30I don't know what you're worried about. She got away with it.
12:33Well, I'm not waiting here for me hair to grow.
12:47What are you doing? I've told you to get in that cab.
13:06Look, I'm not driving the bus through the town like this.
13:09Look, mate, we are seven minutes late. Get in.
13:13What do I say if a cop has stopped me?
13:15Well, tell him it's the bus company's latest gimmick. Topless drivers.
13:20Any more cracks like that and you will be a toothless conductor.
13:23I'm telling you, I'm not driving through the town like this.
13:30Late again, Butler. What excuse is it this time, eh?
13:34Well, we had a bit of an hold-up at the Cemetery Gates.
13:38Cemetery Gates?
13:41You don't know I've come out with some strokes, mate.
13:43At Cemetery Gates, nothing ever happens at that dead-and-alive hole.
13:46Come on, get out.
14:07You started your holidays a bit earlier or something.
14:11This is a city bus depot, mate, not the Costa Brava.
14:15It gets a bit hot in that cab, you see.
14:17Hot in the cab? You know the regulations, Butler.
14:20Busmen are not allowed to remove their trousers whilst on duty.
14:24Gets a bit hot. I suppose every time it gets a bit hot, you whip your trousers off, do you?
14:28I've read about blokes like you in the Sunday papers, mate.
14:31Just a minute. Don't intimidate him.
14:33As shop steward, I'm here to tell you he is within his rights.
14:36Within his rights?
14:39What right's he got to take his trousers off?
14:42I'm sorry, I can't overlook this, mate.
14:44Look at him. Just take a look at him.
14:46Look at the ghastly, horrible, disgusting sight it is.
14:49Well, if I'd have known you'd have felt like that,
14:51I'd have given me legs a rub down with emery paper.
14:54I'm sorry, I can't overlook this, son.
14:56You can't go round wearing what you like, you know.
14:58Why do you let them Indians wear their turbans?
15:01That is for their religion.
15:03Well, I'm dressed like this because of my religion.
15:06Yeah, he's one of them gurus.
15:10Am I?
15:13Maharishi Butler.
15:16Maharishi Butler.
15:18I suppose he's sitting in that cab up there,
15:20contemplating his navel at the traffic lights,
15:23waiting to see it go from red to green.
15:29Get them trousers on, quick.
15:31I can't. I can't, I tell you.
15:33I can't, I tell you.
15:35Well, all right, I'll tell you the truth.
15:37We was doing a bit of sunbathing down at the cemetery
15:39and they got nicked.
15:42Sunbathing?
15:43And you just took your trousers off?
15:46Takes all sorts, I suppose.
15:48Look, can't you see they're left with their sleeves and their coat?
15:51This is not my coat, not my pullover.
15:53They belong to the Jack here.
15:55They nicked all me uniform.
15:57I'm afraid I'll have to report that to the management.
15:59What?
16:00You'll have to pay for that, you know that, don't you?
16:02They'll probably sort that out, your bonus money.
16:04Oh, no, turn it in, Blake. You play the white man, mate.
16:07No, I need that money. I'm going on me holidays tonight.
16:09Look, couldn't you just say it was damaged in an accident or something?
16:12Yeah, yeah.
16:13I could, but I'm not going to.
16:16No, we've all got our job to do, mate.
16:18You'd better go up the stores and get yourself a new uniform.
16:20Blimey, the way you carry on,
16:22you wouldn't think it was me uniform they nicked.
16:24You'd think it was the bus.
16:25Nothing would surprise me about you, mate.
16:29As a matter of fact, perhaps I'd better go round
16:31and see if this is the bus you went out with.
16:44Shut your face.
16:47That's two vests, six ounces.
16:51Right.
16:56Evening all.
16:57Evening.
16:58What the hell are you up to?
16:59Eight and a half ounces of pants.
17:02Have you gone potty or something?
17:03No, I've not gone potty, mate.
17:05Somebody nicked me uniform.
17:07They've stocked it out on me bonus.
17:08I'm only allowed 33 pounds of weight,
17:10so I've got to weigh everything
17:11to make sure I don't go over the top.
17:13Ah, now then.
17:14Socks.
17:16Twelve ounces of socks.
17:18Blimey, that's a lot of socks, isn't it?
17:20Cut that down. No, I'll tell you what I'll do.
17:22I'll have two ounces of socks
17:24and eight ounces of soap flakes.
17:27I've got these here for you, special love.
17:29Shall I put them in the case?
17:30No, no, you've got to weigh them first, Mum.
17:31Oh, right, old love.
17:32There we are.
17:33Four pounds, two ounces.
17:34Four pounds, two...
17:35Blimey, what's in there, then?
17:37What? That's all your medicines for your stomach.
17:40You must be potty.
17:42I haven't got stomach trouble.
17:44You won't, you'll get there.
17:46There's no health service in Spain, love.
17:48You haven't got any money to pop down to the chemist
17:50or go and see the doctor.
17:51You're right. OK.
17:52You are.
17:53Right.
17:54What's this box of pills?
17:55That's your enteric violet tablets.
17:58What are they for?
17:59Well, they're stopping you getting the collywobbles.
18:02And this...
18:03God, blimey, what's this big bottle of medicine for?
18:05Well, that's in case the pills don't work.
18:08That's your choline mixture.
18:11Well, how will I know these are not working?
18:13You'll soon find out, mate.
18:16I want to wrap some of these things up
18:18because I'll tell you what, I don't want them to get broken.
18:20There's one there.
18:21Hang on to that.
18:22Well, I'll just wrap them in the paper
18:23because if you don't get plenty of paper around them,
18:25they'll get broken.
18:26And I don't want these things to get broken.
18:28This is ridiculous.
18:29I'm taking more newspaper than I am clothes.
18:31That's the average weight of your shoes, Stan.
18:33Here you are, love.
18:34There they are.
18:35Right.
18:36One...
18:37Nine ounces.
18:38Nine ounces.
18:40Two...
18:41One pound, two ounces.
18:43Wait a minute.
18:44How can one shoe weigh more than the other?
18:47Have you stepped in something with that one?
18:51Wait a minute.
18:52Oh.
18:53God, no.
18:54I mean, what's all this in here, then?
18:55Oh, that's your shoe polish.
18:56Brown, black and white.
18:58Three-tenths of boot polish?
19:00Yes.
19:01Blimey, I'm only taking one pair of shoes,
19:02and they're suede.
19:05Right, honey.
19:06Add all that up.
19:07See what it is.
19:08Now, let me see.
19:09If I had 410 pounds of potatoes...
19:12Yeah, if you had 410...
19:13Hang on, hang on.
19:14What are you talking about, potatoes?
19:15I'm not packing potatoes.
19:17Well, at school, we always did pounds and ounces like that.
19:20I can only do it in potatoes.
19:22I'll give it here.
19:23If you leave it here, you'll get the answer in furlongs.
19:29Divide by 16.
19:3032 pound, one ounce.
19:32That means you've got 15 ounces left.
19:3415 ounces?
19:35I've got all this lot to go in yet.
19:37Well, you just can't take everything, can you?
19:39I mean, what's...
19:40Oh, blimey.
19:41Male talc by Prince Igor of Paris.
19:44Ta-da!
19:45The masculine talc the women adore.
19:48Feel the smoothness of your skin.
19:51Also has deo...
19:52Well, there's 12 ounces of deodorant for a start.
19:57That's me shirt.
19:58Oh, lovely, isn't it, eh?
20:00Always wear that half a seat when I take a bird out.
20:02That's it.
20:03God, blimey.
20:0412 ounces.
20:05Now, take that off.
20:06I might as well take the deodorant,
20:08because if I don't take the deodorant,
20:10I might not have a bird to take out.
20:12Hey, you're not allowed to do that.
20:14I can take out one of these bottles of medicine.
20:15You're not allowed to put the shirt in.
20:16No, love, love.
20:17You must have a drink of that every day.
20:19I know.
20:20Why don't we put one of these in the pocket of your raincoats?
20:23Yeah, they don't wear the clothes you wear, do they?
20:25No, they don't.
20:26Yeah, and all those tins of grub can go in there.
20:28You're never going to get all these sweaters and things in, are you?
20:31The sweaters?
20:32No.
20:33I'll tell you what, Arthur.
20:34I can wear those under the raincoat.
20:35Yes, come on.
20:36Why don't these packets of tea?
20:37What are you taking tea for?
20:38Well, Mrs. Harding said that the tea in Spain
20:40is like hot water with a suntan.
20:42And three bob a cup.
20:45Well, bug them in then, love.
20:46Well, they're not going to give you boiling water to make your own tea, are they?
20:49Hang on.
20:50What?
20:51Where are you going?
20:52Here.
20:53Your little picnic set.
20:54I love hot tea.
20:55I can't enjoy it.
20:56There's the fucking club.
20:57Here we are.
20:58That's fine, innit?
20:59They'll never see that.
21:00Well, all right.
21:01All right, pack up now.
21:02I think I've got enough now.
21:03I think I've worked just about 33 pounds.
21:04All right.
21:05I don't want to go over the top, see.
21:06No, you don't.
21:07I've been pushing.
21:08Put you down.
21:09You win one.
21:10Just stop thinking.
21:11Give us an ambulance.
21:12I've had a thought, mate.
21:13For God's sake, give us an ambulance.
21:14All right, all right, all right.
21:15Come and give him an ambulance.
21:16Blimey, I've got to be there at 10 o'clock, haven't I?
21:17Oh, blimey, he'll never get the case.
21:18He'll never get to Spain in this thing.
21:19How?
21:20God, blimey, I want an elephant to sit on that to shut that.
21:21I'll need to sit on the case.
21:22Right.
21:23Right.
21:24There you go, love.
21:25I'll just tuck this in.
21:26Ah!
21:27Get off, you big prick!
21:28Get off!
21:29Get off!
21:30Get off!
21:31Get off!
21:32Get off!
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22:36Get off!
22:37Get off!
22:38Get off!
22:39Get off!
22:40Get off!
22:41Get off!
22:42Get off!
22:43Get off!
22:44Get off!
22:45Get off!
22:46Get off!
22:47Get off!
22:48Get off!
22:49Get off!
22:50Get off!
22:51Get off!
22:52Get off!
22:53Get off!
22:54Get off!
22:55Get off!
22:56Get off!
22:57Get off!
22:58Get off!
22:59Get off!
23:00Get off!
23:01Get off!
23:02Get off!
23:03Get off!
23:04Get off!
23:05Get off!
23:06Get off!
23:07Get off!
23:08Get off!
23:09Get off!
23:10Get off!
23:11Get off!
23:12Get off!
23:13Get off!
23:14Get off!
23:15Get off!
23:16Get off!
23:17Get off!
23:18Get off!
23:19Get off!
23:20Get off!
23:21Get off!
23:22Get off!
23:23Get off!
23:24Get off!
23:25Get off!
23:26Get off!
23:27Get off!
23:28Get off!
23:29Get off!
23:30Get off!
23:31Get off!
23:32Get off!
23:33Get off!
23:34Get off!
23:35Get off!
23:36Get off!
23:37Get off!
23:38Get off!
23:39Get off!
23:40Get off!
23:41Get off!
23:42Get off!
23:43Get off!
23:44Get off!
23:45Get off!
23:46Get off!
23:47Get off!
23:48Get off!
23:49Get off!
23:50Get off!
23:51Get off!
23:52Get off!
23:53Get off!
23:54Get off!
23:55Get off!
23:56Get off!
23:57Get off!
23:58Get off!
23:59Get off!
24:00Get off!
24:01Get off!
24:02Get off!
24:03Get off!
24:04Get off!
24:05Get off!
24:06Get off!
24:07Get off of there!
24:08Get off me!
24:09You're a piece of lunatic!
24:10You call Beefsteapers, what's the matter with you?
24:11��
24:12Get off!
24:14Get off!
24:15Get off!
24:17Well, hello Rex!
24:18South End Bar, Basildon.
24:20Here...
24:21And don't forget this is a coach, not a bus!
24:23Don't go stopping at request stops.
24:25Don't worry, mate.
24:26I'll never do!
24:27Get out, guys!
24:28Get off boys, get off!
24:30Get off boys!
24:32Give it up for him! Give it up for him!
25:02Thank you.