After a night out with Doreen, Stan is late for his early shift. Next day he is late again, after Arthur has muted his alarm clock to stop it waking the household up. Jack tries to cover for him, but Blakey puts him on the late shift instead - during which time Jack is getting his feet under the table at Doreen's place
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00:00On the Buses, part one, production number 0280, take one.
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10:28I wasn't talking about you, love.
10:34That sniffing and snorting you do.
10:36I suppose you were referring to my deep breathing exercises.
10:40They happen to be highly beneficial.
10:42Deep breathing? What for? How do you do that?
10:44To ensure a good night's sleep, mate.
10:46You inhale and exhale ten times through each nostril thus.
10:54I'm glad you packed up. There's a level drive coming through your ear holes.
10:58Yeah, well, it works, mate. You should try it.
11:00If my head hits that pillow, I get eight hours uninterrupted sleep. Right, Olive?
11:04Yes, always. Nothing wakes him.
11:07Only his ruddy alarm. And I tell you something, mate.
11:10I need that pluck to get me up in the morning. Now then, so shut up.
11:14Blimey, look at the time. I shall be late for Dory.
11:17Got my clean shirt, Mum?
11:18Yes, love. It's all over there.
11:20Right, I'll take that. And I think I'll take my clean pants and vest as well and put them on.
11:30Clean pants and vest? I don't like the sound of that.
11:34Yesterday he only took a clean shirt.
11:36Yeah. Well, I don't care what he gets up to outside these four walls.
11:40He is not waking me with that alarm clock again.
11:42Hope, you're not going to do anything to it, are you, love?
11:44I mean, look at the size of his clangers.
11:47You're not going to spoil Stan's clock?
11:50No, I'm just going to adjust it. Make it a little quieter. A little bit more soothing.
12:17APPLAUSE
12:21APPLAUSE
12:45Hi, Jack.
12:46Where the hell have you been?
12:48What do you mean? I've been in bed, of course.
12:50You've come from that bird again, haven't you?
12:52Look at you, straight from the nest. Your feathers are all rumpled.
12:55I haven't. I tell you, I've been in bed.
12:57Oh, don't give me that.
12:58Look, I've still got my pyjamas on.
13:00Oh, it must be true. You wouldn't be wearing pyjamas if you'd been with a bird.
13:04Not unless you were dead fussy.
13:07Well, have you signed me in?
13:08Yeah, I told the inspector you were in the loo.
13:10Ah, great thinking, that mate.
13:12Great thinking, yes. Just one thing.
13:14What?
13:15Look.
13:19What's he doing there?
13:21He is waiting for you to come out.
13:23He's been... God knows what he's thinking.
13:26You've been in there for over half an hour.
13:28What do you think I'm doing, having a sit-down strike?
13:31Look, mate. You've got to get in there so that he can see you come out.
13:35Now, nip up the side passage and climb through the back window of the loo.
13:39Oh, blimey, that's a bit risky, isn't it?
13:41Look, Stan, if he finds out that I've been signing you on, we'll both get the bullet.
13:45Now, go on, don't hang about. Here.
13:47And when you come out, act as though you've got the gutsache.
13:50The way I feel, I won't be acting.
13:59Er, not come out yet, then, has he?
14:02God blimey knows what he's doing in there, for God's sake.
14:05Look, I've had enough of this.
14:07I'd better sign on two relief crews already since he's been in there.
14:10Look, either he comes out and he goes sick, or he comes out and he goes to work.
14:14I've had enough of it.
14:16I'm going in to see what he's doing.
14:17Hang about. As shop steward, I'm here to tell you
14:20you are not allowed to go slooping around a men's convenience hounding employees.
14:25It's an affront against human dignity.
14:28He can't stay in there all the blooming morning, can he?
14:30I suppose you'd like to fit time clocks to all the doors
14:33and he can stand out here with a stopwatch and do a time check.
14:36A stopwatch?
14:37The way he's going on, mate, you could do with a calendar.
14:41What's happened?
14:43You nasty little pee-pee Tom.
14:46I was just putting my face on, Mr Blake,
14:49when that Stan Butler comes climbing in through the window.
14:52Butler, come out there at once. Come on.
15:00What are you doing in there, for God's sake, man?
15:02It's a mistake. All a mistake, I'm telling you.
15:04There I was, when I saw him in the mirror.
15:06Now, give me a nasty turn, I can tell you.
15:09When I saw you in the mirror, it didn't do me any good, either.
15:12You cheeky lad.
15:13With men like him around, a girl ain't safe anywhere.
15:16You are.
15:18No, no, no, no, no, no.
15:20Get on your pass, lad. I'll handle him, all right.
15:22Go on.
15:27He's got to be serious, you know.
15:29This is absolutely ridiculous.
15:30God blimey, the way she carried on.
15:32I'm not one of them mad sex crackpots, you know.
15:35No.
15:37What's that you've got on his ear?
15:40Oh, it's my pyjamas.
15:44Are you kinky, Butler?
15:48Kinky? I'm not kinky. It's all quite innocent.
15:51Innocent? Yeah.
15:53What are you doing?
15:54Busman caught climbing through window of Clippy's Convenience
16:00wearing pyjamas.
16:03Wait, let me read this, mate.
16:05You're not going to send that to the management, are you?
16:07No. The Sunday papers.
16:10Look, I'll tell you. I'll tell you what happened.
16:12I climbed through the window, and I thought it was the men's loo.
16:16Well, do you always come through the window, do you?
16:17No, only this morning, because I was a little bit on the...
16:22Oh.
16:24Oh.
16:25I'm beginning to see what's happening now.
16:28You've signed him in, and you've climbed through that window
16:31because you're 40 minutes late, aren't you?
16:33Oh, right. I overslept.
16:35Yeah. Well, I think the best thing you can do, son,
16:37is to go home and have the rest of your sleep out.
16:39What for?
16:40I'm giving you the rest of the day off.
16:41Hey, just a minute. Hang about.
16:43You can't suspend him just like that.
16:45I'm not going to suspend him, son.
16:47You come back here at 8 o'clock tonight, Butler.
16:50You're on night duty, son.
16:52Oh, blimey, you can't do that.
16:54I've got a date with a bird after work.
16:56What, in there?
16:59Look, Butler, either you're on night duty
17:01or you come up there and see the general manager.
17:04Well, I suppose we'd better go and do it then, Jack, that's all.
17:07Oh, no, no, no, no, no, not Jack, no.
17:09Oh, no.
17:10Oh, no, I'm not having him sign in here again, though.
17:12No, I'm not daft, mate.
17:13I may be silly, but I'm not daft.
17:15Now, look here.
17:17You can go on that number nine bus over there, Jackie boy.
17:19It's due out in ten minutes.
17:20Oh, good. I don't have to do nights with Stan, then.
17:23No, you don't have to do nights with Stan, mate.
17:25You can do them next week.
17:28I'm having a lovely date today.
17:33Can't you tell the difference between the men and the women?
17:36Why don't you look through the window?
17:37I did.
17:38And then when I saw the writing on the wall,
17:40well, naturally, I thought it was ours.
17:44Look at this writing on the wall, did I?
17:46You're joking, mate.
17:47They're worse than us.
17:48Go on.
17:49They don't only write, mate, they do drawings as well.
17:53It's a drawing in there.
17:54I haven't got time now.
17:55I'd better nip over to Kip, but I'll tell you that won't hurt.
18:06Shh!
18:07It's not six o'clock yet.
18:09You wake Stan.
18:10He must have a good day's sleep.
18:12I keep forgetting.
18:13Yes.
18:14Oh!
18:15Shh!
18:16Leave.
18:17You wake him.
18:18No.
18:19Don't clump about like that.
18:22Take your shoes off.
18:23I have taken my shoes off.
18:25Oh, well, I suppose you've just got bloomin' heavy feet.
18:30Go on, hold it.
18:31Oh.
18:32Ah!
18:37Why do you leave your shoes lying around in the off-road?
18:39I nearly killed myself.
18:40Shh!
18:41Don't you shush me.
18:42I typically hear you leaving stuff about.
18:44Shh!
18:45Don't make so much noise.
18:46What are you whispering about?
18:47Have you got laryngitis or something?
18:49Shh!
18:50But Stan, he's asleep.
18:52Asleep?
18:53Asleep.
18:54Yes, he's on the night shift.
18:56Night shift?
18:57Ah!
19:00Well, that ought to suit him.
19:01Lately he's been working harder at nights than he has done during the day.
19:05At least I can watch my television in peace tonight.
19:08Shh!
19:09Don't switch on the telly.
19:10He's bound to hear it.
19:12All right, so I'll shut the door.
19:13Oh, that's a good idea.
19:14Ouch!
19:17Poor Stan.
19:23Who's kicking up all this?
19:24Oh, you, is it?
19:25Turn that bloody riffing off.
19:26Oh!
19:27What do you think you're doing?
19:28Listen, mate, I want to get some kitting.
19:29I've only got two hours.
19:30You've got me up two hours early, mate.
19:31Well, that's fair enough.
19:32That's what you've been doing to me every day this week.
19:34Oh, look, love, you can watch your telly later.
19:36What?
19:37I miss my resting.
19:38Why should his night shift interfere with my pleasure?
19:40Because it interfere with my pleasure.
19:41If I don't get my sleep, I won't be able to rest with Doreen, will I?
19:44Now, keep quiet and let me get some kitting.
19:46All right, love, I'll see to it.
19:47Here, have a nice night.
19:48I'll see you later.
19:50All right, love, I'll see to it.
19:51Here, have a nice quiet read of the paper, dear.
19:55That's it.
19:56I try not to rustle it.
19:57It might wake his lordship.
19:59Oh, I'll make you some tea, Arthur.
20:00Would you like a nice fried egg?
20:02Yeah, that's a good idea.
20:03Careful how you crack the egg.
20:05Don't make too much noise.
20:07She wouldn't do that, love.
20:09The last time she cracked one, she broke the basin.
20:15Oh, hello, Mrs B.
20:16I've just come round to see Stan.
20:18Blimey, what's all the round now?
20:20Oh, it's you, is it?
20:21Oh, you're up.
20:22I thought you might still be asleep.
20:23Asleep? What, in this house?
20:24Hey, mate, can we not enough noise here?
20:25I'll wake the dead, mate.
20:26Here, do you manage to get in touch with Doreen?
20:28Oh, she's unfinished till nine o'clock, does she?
20:30This is murder, this is.
20:31Here, I'll tell you what you do.
20:32Nip round on your bike tonight.
20:34Tell her I won't be able to see her, will you?
20:35Yeah, OK.
20:36Yeah, 14 Villiers Road she lives.
20:37Tell her I'll see her sometime tomorrow.
20:38Yeah, sure.
20:39Fed up with this?
20:40She's working all day long and I'm working all night.
20:42Oh, well, never mind, love.
20:43It's only for a few weeks.
20:45You know, when the war was on,
20:47your dad was on night shift for five years.
20:50We both worked in the same factory.
20:52The only time we saw each other was in the air raid shelter.
20:55And, you know, if it hadn't been for the German bombers,
20:58Olive might never have been born.
21:01Oh!
21:02Did you hear that, Arthur?
21:04Yeah.
21:05Hitler had a lot to answer for, didn't he?
21:08I'll get your egg on, love.
21:10Yeah, just lightly boil it this morning, will you, Ma?
21:13I'm feeling a little queasy.
21:15Right-o, love.
21:16Ooh, there's Stan.
21:18I wonder how he got on.
21:20Morning, Mum.
21:21Hello, love.
21:22Ah!
21:23All that night work gives me a nap of time.
21:25Yes.
21:26Have you got me grub ready yet?
21:27Oh, lovely, all hot.
21:29I'm keeping it in the oven.
21:30Ah, lovely.
21:31How's it going, Arthur, mate?
21:34Did you have a nice, odd night's kip, mate,
21:36ready for odd day's work?
21:38Do you mind not being so arty?
21:40I'm not my best in the morning.
21:42That comes from looking in the shaving mirror, mate.
21:44There's your boiled egg, and there's your dinner, Stan.
21:48Oh, look at that.
21:50Steak and kidney pud, Arthur, mate.
21:52My favourite.
21:53Boy, am I going to do that justice, Mum.
21:55You do not intend eating that this time of the morning, I hope?
21:58Of course I do.
21:59I have a good nosh-up tonight, after all.
22:01Of course I do.
22:02I have a good nosh-up tonight, after I've finished work.
22:04Nice cup of tea, love?
22:05Oh, Mum, no, it's no better than that.
22:07Cup of tea?
22:08What, with steak and kidney pudding?
22:09Oh, no, no.
22:10Oh, what are you going to get?
22:12What are you getting now?
22:13I don't know.
22:14He is a boy, you know.
22:15No, I'm going to have a nice glass of stout, will you?
22:17Stout?
22:19Here's your fancy one, mate.
22:21Oh, thank you.
22:22You put me off my tea.
22:24I'll put a nice hot water bottle in your bed, love.
22:26Oh, don't worry about that, Mum.
22:27I'm going straight out after I've had me grub.
22:29Going out?
22:30Yeah, I'm going to try and catch Dory before she goes to work.
22:32But, love, it's half past seven in the morning.
22:35She might still be in bed.
22:37That's what he's hoping.
22:40Oh, Stan, it's not decent,
22:43going to a girl's house at that hour in the morning.
22:46Oh, no, but it's different than when Dad was on night work, isn't it?
22:49Eh?
22:50Well, we haven't got air-raid shelter.
22:52Oh, Stan.
22:54Right.
23:01WHISTLING
23:04Hi, Alex.
23:05Oh!
23:09We thought you were the milkman.
23:12Did you?
23:14What are you doing here?
23:16Oh, well, you know that message you asked me to bring round?
23:19Well, I couldn't get round last night, so I popped round this morning.
23:22Oh, I see.
23:23Darling!
23:25I'm coming, love!
23:26Not you, she means me.
23:28Hurry up, sweetheart, I've got our breakfast ready.
23:33Breakfast?
23:35Oh, I get it.
23:36Now, Stan, don't get excited.
23:38What do you mean, don't get excited, mate?
23:40We're mates, aren't we?
23:41Oh, yeah.
23:42I mean, think of the number of times I've signed you in.
23:44And now you've signed yourself in.
23:47Jackie, darling,
23:49I think you ought to get yourself an extra couple of pints.
23:54Extra couple of pints?
23:56Because I suppose you need the extra energy.
23:59Oh, get inside, Jackie, darling.
24:01Your breakfast is getting cold.
24:03Nah, my drivers are always right.
24:05They always say, never trust your conductor, mate.
24:08Sorry, Stan, mate,
24:09but it's not my fault if you're too slow on the accelerator, is it?
24:16Marvellous, isn't it, eh?
24:18I do all the driving, and he comes along and collects the fare.
24:26APPLAUSE
24:56Thank you.