Fred's Head - Within a Hair's Breadth of Happiness
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00:01Previously on our last episode,
00:03pretentiously entitled,
00:04Analgesic of the Apocalypse,
00:06Fred and Tamara seem to have found true love.
00:09But fate, disguised as a malevolent fortune cookie,
00:13transformed his life from an innocent fairy tale
00:16into an inconceivable nightmare.
00:18When we left Fred, he was hospitalized, miserable,
00:22and worst of all, he had broken up with Tamara.
00:25What hope was left for him
00:27in this catastrophic series of events?
00:30Coming up after the break,
00:32our next episode ceremoniously entitled,
00:34Within a Hair's Breadth of Happiness.
00:37Can't move to match lips and eyebrows.
00:50Communicating can sometimes feel painful.
00:56When coupled with facial reaction.
01:03No signs of aging, faces without wrinkles,
01:08express something on their own.
01:15Can't move to match lips and eyebrows.
01:26Can't move to match lips and eyebrows.
01:34Doctor, how much longer do I have to stay here?
01:36As soon as we get the results from the blood tests.
01:38Then we should be able to let you go.
01:41Don't mind, I can't keep this a secret anymore, sunshine.
01:43I just have to tell you,
01:45to help you get back into family life,
01:47we have decided not to do your household chores.
01:55It's a very effectual way of proving
01:57that we can't go on without you.
01:59Well, I could think of about a dozen other ways.
02:02That makes me so happy, sunshine.
02:04To hear you complain about cleaning,
02:06well, that means that you're getting back to your old self again.
02:19Tamara, this estrogen magazine has a super-fizz article in it
02:23on the steps to follow after you've had your heart broken.
02:26In the beginning,
02:28eating your emotions is no longer in vogue.
02:32Starting now, you'll have to lose your appetite, sweetie.
02:35That way, if this doesn't work,
02:37at least you'll still be able to fit into those super-low-rise jeans.
02:43Benji-poo!
02:46Want some chips?
02:53Uh-huh.
03:01Leave it to me to help you perform any necessary bodily functions.
03:05Are you positive you don't need round-the-clock help where that's concerned?
03:09Good luck taking that job away from my mother.
03:18Hmm?
03:20Did you hear that?
03:22I think there was someone in my room.
03:24Hmm.
03:29One time, my Uncle Laszlo thought he was suffering from an auditory hallucination,
03:33but as it turns out, he had a pierogi stuck in his ear.
03:36See, he fell asleep on the buffet table at my Aunt Olga's wedding.
03:39Did you, uh, perhaps fall asleep in your plate of tortellini at lunch?
03:43Hey, Chico, how you holding up?
03:48Ooh, confidential stuff.
03:52Glad to hear you're on the mend.
03:54Oh, shooty-shoot.
03:56Brad, you didn't tell us you were as sick as this.
03:59Hmm? Give.
04:01No!
04:03It isn't so!
04:05Not that!
04:09Huh? Is that true?
04:11He's got a virus that's really rare.
04:13It's great! He has to stay in the hospital.
04:16This should give you the time to find a guy
04:18and make him think you're over him when he gets out.
04:21Sadly, you have contracted the bee-hairless virus.
04:24You have a 99.7% chance of losing all facets of your auxiliary body follicles
04:29in the primary and secondary levels,
04:31as well as tertiary.
04:33I'm sorry, Fred.
04:34I don't understand. What does that mean?
04:36It means that, barring a miracle,
04:38you will lose every hair on your body, eyebrows and nose hair included.
04:43Oh!
04:45Yeah!
04:49No, thank you.
04:54When I brought you into this world,
04:56I passed on to you the best hair genes a person could ask for.
04:59There's no question. You will not give up your glorious mane.
05:02We'll fight this thing!
05:11At this time, the arch of the eyebrow is even
05:14with the hypotenuse of the circumference of the cranial orbit.
05:17On the right arm, the hair is still thick,
05:20but they are at a 160-degree angle. That's worrisome.
05:24The chest has little bushes of hair, a 3 to 13 ratio.
05:28Keep a close watch on that.
05:30The virus isn't latency. You are lucky.
05:33Right, lucky me. I'm gonna be bald from head to toe at 16 years of age.
05:36We're going to find you a good psychologist to help with your morale.
05:40Courage!
05:43I need to take a strand for cryogenics.
05:48Plus, it'll be a nice souvenir for you
05:50when you forget what color your hair was.
05:57I don't get it. Fred's not in danger. Why is he still in hospital?
06:01Don't you know? Hair follicles capture pheromones.
06:04Without them, it's impossible to attract the opposite sex.
06:07The LeBlanc name is in danger of becoming extinct!
06:10How does it feel to hear these nasty tidbits
06:13and not have a friend to laugh about them with?
06:16I have plenty of friends.
06:18I don't need Penelope or Tamara to make fun of you.
06:21How are you, my dear new friend?
06:26Annette, what would you think about a boy that was utterly and totally hairless?
06:31I think I would feel bad going out with someone who was better waxed than me.
06:36Excuse me, ladies, but I have a very important personal matter to take care of
06:39with our supply of herring down at the clown shop.
07:00Who's there?
07:01It's Mom, Sunshine!
07:07Ahh!
07:15Hmm. At 1635, I noticed that the patient's membranes
07:18had started to shed some 527 hair follicles.
07:21The original diagnosis has now changed dramatically,
07:23and we are now looking at 7,400,000.
07:26But I'm telling you, some lady in a blue blouse came in here and shaved my arm!
07:31Fred, think about it. Nobody here is collecting adolescent arm hair.
07:35Our personnel are the best there is.
07:37Oh, Sunshine, you don't need to make up stories to get my attention.
07:41You don't have to act like every other teen.
07:44Concrete example of denial by using transference of an object
07:47and a person of the opposite sex.
07:49Anemone! Finally, Fred. You know Miss Worry-Not.
07:52She has kindly offered her services in helping you deal with your diagnosis
07:56and your future as a hairless young man.
07:58I'm telling you, there's some lunatic after me.
08:00She has a blue blouse, blonde hair.
08:02I also think she tampered with my chart.
08:05It's you! Why did you do that?
08:07Do you want me to stay in the hospital forever?
08:09Dr. Hartman, I am not paid to be insulted.
08:12Exploited, maybe. But don't push it!
08:17Everyone out, out, out! Fred needs urgent therapy
08:20so that he doesn't wallow surreptitiously in a sea of denial and self-pity.
08:25Yeah.
08:34Okay, the movie's been over for 40 minutes. Can we go now?
08:38No. If you want to mend a broken heart,
08:41you have to think about something other than love for at least three hours a day.
08:45It says so in estrogen.
08:47It's not my fault the film only lasted two hours.
08:50Come on, sit down and try not to think about when you were a couple.
08:54You'll see it's easy.
08:59You are accusing a nurse with light, shiny hair of causing your illness?
09:04Is a blonde nurse blonde like your mother was when she gave birth to you?
09:11Where did you get that?
09:13It's all becoming clear now.
09:15Your ego is irate at the thought of losing its masculinity.
09:18There it is. What is really at stake here is your mojo.
09:22That is my cue to leave.
09:24In ten years, according to this,
09:26the trend in male hair removal has been reduced to nothing.
09:29The trend will change and the hairless ones will be ostracised.
09:32The bald man will be incapable of finding a partner
09:35willing to see beneath his hairless pate.
09:37How many years did you study to come up with all this nonsense?
09:40No ignorance. By accusing the nurse,
09:43you indirectly accuse your mother of trying to castrate you.
09:47I'm scared that you will always be a mama's boy
09:50who stays at home and who all mothers dream of.
09:54I prescribe for you the strongest possible treatment,
09:56constipation!
09:59Do you really think I'm that bad?
10:01Can I really be that overbearing?
10:04No, Mom. Anemone's got it all wrong.
10:07You're just overbearing enough.
10:09I'm going to tuck you in just like when you were little.
10:18Oh!
10:20Fred! Come have breakfast, sunshine!
10:26Mom, can you do me a favour and check up on that nurse?
10:29I don't trust her.
10:30It's all right.
10:31You don't need to beat around the bush to tell me.
10:34I'll try to give you a little more breathing room.
10:40Mom! Mom!
10:44Everything's going really well.
10:46Now, it says here that you will go through a depression phase
10:49and you'll think you're ugly.
10:51You're kidding. I think I'm okay looking.
10:53Okay, let's take a closer look.
10:57Your earlobes are shaped like cauliflowers.
11:00The space between your eyes is bigger than a quail's egg
11:03and your pores are three different colors.
11:06You're certainly not the norm, sweetie.
11:10I'm sorry!
11:12I'm so ugly!
11:15Another hurdle cleared.
11:17Now, it is time for your renaissance.
11:20Do you prefer the desert redhead or the aquatic orange tint?
11:28At last.
11:29Gigi, listen.
11:30My nurse is completely insane.
11:32She tampered with my chart and she shaved my arm.
11:35What? You're being manipulated by a woman in uniform?
11:38What a fantasy.
11:40We have to prove that she's the sick one.
11:42We have to follow her to see what she's really up to.
11:44Right away, buddy.
11:45You can count on me and my faith.
11:47As blind as a carp in a murky lake.
11:50But first, get me out of here!
11:58You're right.
11:59This woman is definitely up to no good.
12:01Tell me.
12:02She's a vile vegan.
12:04She doesn't eat any meat or cheese.
12:06This woman is a freak of nature.
12:08But she is not your man.
12:10She wouldn't hurt a fly.
12:12She believes in karma.
12:13Undo me.
12:14My mother's wrapped me up like a mummy.
12:16That would be sacrilegious.
12:18To destroy the mother's blanket of love over her dear son.
12:21But there's something more urgent.
12:23You have absolutely got to declare your love for Annette on the double.
12:27Yeah, right.
12:28I'm a prisoner of my sheets.
12:30I'm losing my hair.
12:31And I've invented a sadistic nurse.
12:33What girl could resist my charms?
12:35You don't understand.
12:36If you don't tell her right now, it'll be too late.
12:39She detests men without hair.
12:42Gigi.
12:43You're right.
12:44I'll go see her.
12:45But to do that, you'll have to free me.
12:47I know a simpler, easier way to proceed.
12:50Let me see.
12:51I will be Cupid's arrow.
12:52You, the tensed bow.
12:54And Annette will be the target.
12:56I'm the one who'll tell Annette you love her.
12:58Are you crazy?
12:59Maybe.
13:00I know it doesn't sound romantic declaring your love for someone through a surrogate.
13:04But I will be very vague and aloof.
13:06That way, you will have the privilege of being the first one to actually say you love her.
13:10Gigi.
13:12Gigi.
13:17Gentle.
13:22Annette.
13:24How did you get in without being eaten by my dog?
13:27Oh, I had a little trouble.
13:28It was a bit of a tight squeeze getting through your dryer exhaust tubing with my Vera chest.
13:32But I'm straying from my reason for being here.
13:34I have something of vital importance to tell you.
13:37Okay.
13:38I'm listening.
13:51Fred's beating heart thrashes like a spawning salmon.
13:55Sending blood upstream into the ever-turbulent ventricles of elusive love
14:00where he dreams of finding his soul mate.
14:03Was I supposed to have understood anything you just said?
14:05I think it's pretty clear.
14:07Fred is in love with a spellbinding woman whose uncommon beauty makes his heart sing.
14:11And if, wink, wink,
14:13by some extreme coincidence I were ever to discuss it with said woman,
14:17wink, wink,
14:18I would tell her to run to him as fast as her feet could carry her.
14:25Fred, my love.
14:27I knew you'd come back to me.
14:39We hardly have anything in common.
14:41Who's that girl?
14:42Fanny, it's over. I'm sorry.
14:46I'll always love you.
14:50Friends, here are your counselors.
14:52Hi, everyone.
14:56I have memory lapses.
14:57I don't even remember ever meeting you.
15:00I knew it.
15:01He's in love with you, Fred.
15:05You are mine.
15:14Your... your hair's blonde.
15:18I knew that my new hair color would reignite our love.
15:21I was so happy to hear that you had actually broken your leg
15:24just so you could see me at the hospital where I'm doing an internship.
15:27It's so romantic.
15:29What are you saying? You're crazy.
15:31Crazy for you.
15:34I kinda altered your chart,
15:36and I cut some of your hair so that the doctor would believe that you had this rare virus.
15:40But now we have a little problem, lover boy.
15:42A little problem, you think?
15:44You're not really sick.
15:46And it's only a matter of time before Dr. Hartman finds out.
15:49Unless I shave your whole body.
15:51But I have an idea that might not irritate your skin as much.
15:55I acquired a sample of the virus, and you'll see.
15:58I'll continue to love you even when you're all shiny and bald.
16:04Help me!
16:06Anemone is a pioneer in shock therapy.
16:09Hello, Miss Freeze-Dry.
16:18Tell me you love me, Fred.
16:20Yes, Fanny, you're the love of my life.
16:26I don't get what happened.
16:28It says right here, desert redhead is the super sexy color of the week.
16:35Maybe if I was a toad, it's green.
16:38Are you color challenged or what?
16:41Green can be a lovely shade, Tamara.
16:43For instance, when I look at you, I think of a lovely shimmering toxic lake.
16:48It's a romantic image, don't you agree?
16:51I'm more depressed now than I was before your beauty treatment.
16:55And on top of that, I'm ugly!
17:00Tamara, I'm about to do something that will prove how much you mean to me.
17:06You're lucky.
17:08I just ruined Tamara's dye job and any chance of her getting a new guy anytime soon.
17:12So we need you.
17:14If I help you, we can be friends again.
17:16Well, if you insist.
17:18Can I have your pink lace push-up bra as a makeup gift?
17:21Now you're pushing your luck.
17:25I no longer need this pathetic excuse for a friendship.
17:28I accept your risk of being a toad.
17:30I'm not a toad.
17:32I no longer need this pathetic excuse for a friendship.
17:34I accept your resignation.
17:38At least the squirrels are still my friends.
17:52I'm sensing that you are as happy as a leg of lamb that has just been served with some fresh mint jelly.
17:58When you spoke about a spellbinding woman with uncommon beauty, I wasn't expecting that.
18:07Annette? What are you doing here?
18:09I was wondering the same thing.
18:12Do you want to kiss me before I infect you with a disease that will unite us forever?
18:17I'm sure you'll love me much more with all my hair.
18:20Certainly not! This way I can be sure that no other girl will ever want you.
18:28I brought him a nice garlic sausage.
18:31You again?
18:32Will you leave him alone, you psychopath!
18:44Say goodbye to the last strands of femininity that cling to your scalp!
18:49No!
18:57No!
18:58I currently lost my life!
19:00Fred, it's a sign!
19:02You'll finally be able to show your unconditional love for me as you caress my smooth bald head!
19:07She's nuts!
19:09No! Not Carol's perfect work of art!
19:13Just you relax, Miss Cotton.
19:15We're going to quietly take you back to your room.
19:17It's not nice to run away during therapy.
19:20We've been looking for you for three weeks.
19:24One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight...
19:32My brilliant matchmaking plan has failed miserably.
19:36Like a Yorkshire pudding without the hot beef drippings!
19:41Well, I've got all the stuff for your new look, Tamara.
19:44Good thing I'm here.
19:46Tell me about it. She looks like a piece of poo.
19:56There you go. All done.
19:58Well, beauty, what do you think?
20:00Wow! I'm back to my old self! Maybe even better!
20:04Thanks, Jodi!
20:05I don't get it.
20:07In estrogen, they say that desert red is the final stage of recovery.
20:11You didn't notice that it's an issue dating back to 2004?
20:14You should have known that.
20:16The color desert red hasn't been around since internet dial-up.
20:20No wonder you ended up with toxic green. It was past its expiry date.
20:24It wasn't toxic green! It was toxic lake green!
20:28Thank you for being there for me, girls.
20:31I think I detect in you the same feelings of solitude and rejection that reside in me.
20:37If you want, we can become soulmates, and that way, we never have to be alone.
20:43I promise never again to doubt your words, Sunshine.
20:46Unless I sense something truly doubtful.
20:49Do you find it overbearing to say that I'm not your soulmate?
20:53I don't think so.
20:55I don't think so.
20:57I don't think so.
20:59I don't think so.
21:01I don't think so.
21:03I don't think so.
21:05I don't think so.
21:07I don't think so.
21:09I don't think so.
21:11Do you find it overbearing of me to say that?
21:14Mom, you're pretty much a vacation compared to the nutcase who was hiding in the air vents to spy on me.
21:25Perfect. Everything's perfect.
21:28The blonde was too close to my former personality, but this one...
21:33Fred, next time we meet, you'll never know it's me.
21:41It's hard to get better when your ex-girlfriend shows up like a hair in the ointment.