Comedian Rita Brent Gets BIG LAUGHS at Kev on Stages Keep Your Distance Show -RitaBrentComedy
Comedian Rita Brerndt
Transcript
00:00Hey, L.A., what's poppin'?
00:01Oh, man.
00:02Kev, thanks for bringing me out here, man.
00:03He snuck in my DMs and shit all humble.
00:04Hey, you want to do Keep Your Distance?
00:05I'm like, hell, yeah.
00:06You like the Jordan Peele of comedy, nigga?
00:07Yes.
00:08Do this show with you, I might be in a movie next week.
00:09Get out for Jesus.
00:10I don't know.
00:11I don't know.
00:12I don't know.
00:13I don't know.
00:14I don't know.
00:15I don't know.
00:16I don't know.
00:17I don't know.
00:18I don't know.
00:19I don't know.
00:20I don't know.
00:21I don't know.
00:22I don't know.
00:23I don't know.
00:24I don't know.
00:25I don't know.
00:31I'm ready, dog.
00:32I'm ready.
00:33I don't be out in L.A. often, man, but every time I'm out here, I'm reminded
00:41of how blessed I am, right?
00:42To not live in L.A.
00:43I'm so blessed.
00:44Oh my God, I see why y'all be so high, so you can forget about these high-ass prices.
00:50$6 gas.
00:52$3,000 for rent?
00:56That is insane.
00:57I'm from Mississippi with 3,000 a month you could get 40 acres of mule and two
01:02slaves. Two slaves for 3,000?
01:12White slaves though, times have changed. Times have changed. They call themselves
01:22allies now. I love being from Mississippi. I'm trying to change the
01:31narrative you know. They think we uneducated in Mississippi. That's all I
01:34hear. Y'all dumb down there. I'm like look, I don't give a damn where you from.
01:37Everybody has dumb friends. Can we just be honest about that? Alright. Hopefully
01:41you're not here with that person tonight or this next joke is gonna be real
01:44awkward. But a few years ago, this is a true story. I tell it everywhere I go. My
01:48dumb friend called me in the middle of night. It was 2 a.m. I knew some shit was
01:51wrong. I said hello. She said girl I got some to tell you. I said what is it? She
01:55said our friend Don was in a bad accident. I said what happened to him? No
01:58lie. She said they told me he got ejaculated from the car. I said bitch are
02:10you sure? That's what happened. She said yes. They told me he was ejaculated from
02:17the car. I said well tell me this. How fast was he coming? Because he had to be
02:22coming fast. Hold on. Six niggas ain't laughing. I'm trying to see who asked.
02:29A couple dummies. That's a true story man. I swear. Ain't gonna lie. It's not all good in the
02:37South right. It's not all good. It's a struggle right. I know y'all heard in
02:40Florida they just passed the don't say gay bill you know. But don't say nigga
02:44that has yet to come to the floor yet. God damn. They beat us again. God damn it.
02:57Yeah man. It's a struggle. But you know I think we're at least conquering one
03:02struggle. That's the pandemic right. It seems like we're reaching the end of the
03:04pandemic. I feel really good about that. But you know who's probably the most
03:08excited about the pandemic finally subsiding? Flight attendants. Yeah yeah.
03:12April 18th that's when the mandate goes away for the mask. And the flight
03:16attendants been getting it rough. I don't know if y'all seen them getting their ass
03:18beat on these flights. Have y'all seen the shit? I know they ready man. A friend
03:22of mine said she want to you know be a flight attendant. I was like bitch first
03:25of all can you fight? Do you know taekwondo? Karate? Anything? I wish they
03:30had let me train the flight attendants. I would have told them. I said look this is all
03:33you had to do. You got to flip the switch on these niggas on these planes. That's
03:37all you got to do. Because what it is now they had this little soft ass voice. It's
03:40all sweet. Excuse me would you put your mask up please? Put your mask up. The red
03:45neck like I ain't doing shit. Flip the switch bow. Ayo pussy ass passenger I said
03:49put your mask up hoe. Fuck you think this is nigga? Beat the sky miles out your ass
03:56pussy ass boy. Pussy ass passenger.
04:04Put that red neck on me. Thank you for flying Delta. We appreciate your
04:10cooperation. Flight attendants got it bad man. I be lying to they face. I lie to
04:17flight attendants face. I was on a Delta flight a couple weeks ago sitting on the
04:21exit row minding my business. She came she was like you know y'all on the exit
04:24row are you willing and able to assist in the event of an emergency? I said yes
04:29ma'am absolutely anything you need. Nigga let that goddamn plane go down. I'm gonna be
04:34the first bitch off the slide nigga. Chicago I'm the first bitch. I don't know why
04:39that's the sound I make but I'm Chicago. I'm the first bitch off the slide. Huh? What I look like
04:44helping some hoes I don't know on my row. I don't know these bitches.
04:49Roles are set so I should Chicago okay.
04:58Goddamn flight attendants. I ain't used to be like this man. I used to serve my
05:02community. I did. I used to be patriotic. I served in the army for nine years. Shout out to all the
05:08veterans out there. Nine years. I used to be patriotic. Now after the show look don't jump the gun and come up to me
05:15you know thank you. Be like thank you for sacrificing your life for the country
05:18everybody do that to me okay. Hate to disappoint y'all but I was in the army
05:22band. I didn't sacrifice shit. I went in no danger none at all. Don't make no
05:34sense man. That's all you like hanging with real veterans. I don't cuz they have
05:37all these war stories and shit. I ain't got no war stories. I was sitting around with some
05:41real veterans one day and they were like I remember I was in the war in Iraq. They
05:45all had that same voice. I was in the war in Iraq. A little girl came up to me with a
05:50bomb on her back. I had to defuse it with my bare hands and I saved everybody that
05:55day. What about you Rita? I said I remember marching in the parade one day.
06:05Little girl came up asked for my drumsticks. I said get back little bitch I don't know
06:09where your hands been. Yeah that's it nigga. I told y'all I ain't do shit. I was
06:20wilding out in the army man. I ain't lose no limbs. I lost my virginity though. I was
06:23wilding out. Wilding out. Yep to my ex-husband. He remarried. I'm remarried too. I
06:30actually got married during the pandemic so that was you know a little thing. I got
06:34married to a woman. I think it's a side effect of the vaccine. I got married to a woman.
06:43Well I was so sick of niggas lying about that damn vaccine. This is a side. I know a
06:50homie of mine didn't get the vaccine. I asked him straight up. I said you got the
06:52Moderna? Too far little question. He said yeah. I said you had a fever? He said yeah. I said how
06:56long you know was your arm itching? He was like a couple days. I said how long was your
06:59booty itching? He was like shit about 48 hours. So you a lying bastard. That ain't no
07:06side effect. It's your ass. Ain't on the CDC website nigga. Okay so I got married on
07:13Zoom right you know and it was I was just trying to save money like I told
07:16my wife like we got to do this now you know. But it was cool. I sent out text you
07:21know like yo y'all gonna come to the wedding. They were like where? I was like
07:24on Google Chrome bitch. Just log in. Just log in. I had two rules. Two rules right.
07:31Put your shit on mute you know and be on time. But you know how we do. In the
07:38middle of the ceremony I kid you not I heard somebody say oh sit y'all ass down
07:42I'm gonna feed you in a minute. My bulldagger friends getting married on
07:48Zoom. And one of the kids was like who the man? She was like Rita the man. I had
08:00to get in the chat. I was like bitch I'm not the man. Who told you that? I am not the man. Who told you that?
08:07I'm in the chat. Bitch I am not the man. Raise hand. I'm not the man.
08:18I hate that shit. When you a lesbian that's the first thing you want to know. Who the man in the
08:22relationship? My wife learned the hard way. I'm not the man. We were living in
08:28New York during the pandemic. This is a true story. We were living in New York
08:32during the pandemic and I told her before we move I said listen I don't
08:35kill shit. But she didn't believe me. So we sitting in our little box in New York that
08:39night. Watching TV. A little mouse scurried across the floor like that. And she
08:46looked at me and I look at her. We had a word fight. She said you see that? I said
08:49yeah you see that? She said what you gonna do? I said what you gonna do? She said you ain't gonna
08:53kill it. You was in the army. I was like I was in the band bitch that shit don't count.
08:58We Bunny and Connie. Now Bunny and Clyde we gonna walk in here together and kill
09:02this little nigga okay? You get the cheese I got the trap okay? I told her ass I'm not the man.
09:12She don't fucking listen. Other night we were getting ready to go out. Before we left I said
09:18babe I'm looking at the weather it's gonna get a little nippy tonight. She
09:21said okay. I said okay you hear what I said it's gonna be a little nippy tonight.
09:24She said okay. We left. We walking down the street. Temperature drop like Megan
09:29and Stag. Just drop. And she starts shaking and shit. She look at me I said
09:35what? She's like I'm a little cold. I said I don't know what the fuck you want me to do. You not
09:38getting my jacket. I told you it was gonna be a little nippy. What do a little
09:41nippy mean? It mean get your goddamn jacket. You not getting my jacket. I told
09:45you I'm not the man. You want chivalry you go back to the other side. You don't
09:54get that from me. You get emotional intelligence.
10:01But I'm free man. I've been out of the closet for like two and a half years.
10:05That was hard to do in the south but I'm experiencing freedom like never before.
10:08It's so freeing. The decision I had to make was to not live for other people
10:13because I was trying to be who I wasn't for people who don't even know who they
10:17are. So I said you know I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna live in my truth and my
10:21peace. And it's been amazing. You know people be worried like you know you you
10:29know your mama minister. You know what you think about the church people. I don't
10:32care. I don't listen to them when they say things like I'm an abomination. I
10:36don't listen to them because I tried okay. I tried when I had the ex-husband.
10:42I did my best to give him the best head and that is not my ministry okay. That's
10:47not my ministry. I know what God has for me and that's not it okay. That's not it.
10:58Ladies if y'all been giving head for 10-20 years you are the real veterans.
11:02Thank you for your service. Thank you for your service. I couldn't do shit. It
11:09changed my whole life. Whole life. I stopped hanging out with my friends. My
11:13homegirl called me one day. Rita you want to go to the movies? I said bitch no I
11:15gotta get some rest so I can suck this dick later. I'm not gonna be able to hang
11:18out with you. I gotta do my little exercise. I don't have to exercise. I don't know how y'all do it.
11:2815 seconds in my jaws was hurting. 15 seconds in. I got so frustrated I started praying. I said God just loosen my jaws Lord. Loosen my jaws.
11:39Elongate my throat Father. Moisturize my lips Jesus. Dug my teeth so I don't bite the
11:47chaff Lord. I opened my eyes he was finna come. I said she come.
11:59That's my time. I'm Rita Britt. Thank you so much.