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00:30Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
00:34John Richardson,
00:36Richard Ayoade,
00:38Nan Tiernan,
00:40Catherine Ryan,
00:42John Kern,
00:44Susie Dent,
00:46Rachel Riley,
00:48and your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:55Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.
01:00A show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:03OK, let's meet tonight's players.
01:05First up, it's team captain, John Richardson!
01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:12How to describe John Richardson?
01:14He's the kind of guy who irons his receipts,
01:16takes his own cereal on holiday and washes out his condoms.
01:23Condom. No point buying two if you're going to wash it out, is there?
01:28And John's team-mate, Dan Tiernan!
01:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:34Dan Tiernan, finally an answer to the question,
01:36what would it look like if Adrian Child's parents were brother and sister?
01:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
01:47Up against them this evening, it's guest team captain, Richard Ayoade!
01:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:54Richard often does voiceover,
01:56and he recently did the voice of a nerdy robot.
01:59In fact, he's still doing it.
02:01LAUGHTER
02:03How dare you?
02:05And joining Richard tonight is Katherine Ryan!
02:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:14As a 40-year-old woman, Katherine worries she's invisible
02:17to high-powered TV bosses, but Katherine's not invisible,
02:20and I'll tell her that just as soon as she gets here.
02:23Just as soon as she gets here.
02:26I'm trying to do everything more like Sean Connery.
02:29Happy birthday. Thank you.
02:31Did you get anything nice?
02:33Er...nope.
02:35I have two babies under two.
02:37You know, when are my kids going to get me?
02:39No, I didn't get anything nice.
02:41You know you've got a husband? Yep.
02:43But, er...
02:45Well, my husband and I went to a hotel in London
02:48to escape our children, and I slept while I was there,
02:51and then I went back.
02:53And we didn't even bang,
02:55so I'm not going to be pregnant again this year.
02:58I had a very similar night on my 20th birthday.
03:01LAUGHTER
03:03Richard, what have you been up to since we last saw you?
03:06Well, you're kind to feign interest.
03:08LAUGHTER
03:11I've been working on a reissue
03:14of a playwright called Harold Hughes.
03:17H-R-A-U-L-D.
03:19But a lot of people don't know he was a poet, Harold Hughes.
03:23And I've got one of his poems here.
03:26It's a serious work.
03:28He's very serious. He's a dramatist.
03:30LAUGHTER
03:32And I'm just very excited to be bringing this to the public's attention.
03:36I mean, I'll call it the public, whoever you are.
03:39And just get the word out. Harold Hughes.
03:42This one's called The Breakdown.
03:44Have you broken down?
03:47I have broken down.
03:49Those voices.
03:51Where did the event take place?
03:53It took place near my home.
03:56Was the breakdown sudden or were there warnings?
03:59No-one warned me.
04:01LAUGHTER
04:03Was anyone else involved?
04:05No-one else is involved.
04:07Would you like to stay where you are until we arrive?
04:11I would like to be home.
04:13LAUGHTER
04:15We are quite busy. Are you OK to wait?
04:18I have time.
04:20But I'm not OK.
04:22LAUGHTER
04:24What kind of model is your car?
04:26I am not in a car.
04:28LAUGHTER
04:30You do realise this is the AA?
04:33I know who you are.
04:35LAUGHTER
04:37We help people who have broken down.
04:39I have broken down.
04:41LAUGHTER
04:43Has anyone in their cars?
04:45And what about those who haven't?
04:48LAUGHTER
04:50APPLAUSE
04:54OK.
04:56We haven't got time for that long of a poem.
04:59Dan, first time on the show, how did you do at school?
05:02You do well? This is my experience at school.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:07It was like that sort of thing.
05:11I went to, like, a specialist school.
05:14As you can tell.
05:16It was called the University of Salford.
05:19LAUGHTER
05:21I went to a specialist school for kids with dyspraxia or dyslexia
05:25called Hume Hall.
05:27Any Hume Hallers in, by any chance? Give me a...
05:30LAUGHTER
05:32When I was 11, I had to go for an interview there
05:35to see if I was appropriate and I was nervous about it
05:38and they took one look at me, they were like, boom, yes.
05:41LAUGHTER
05:43That is perfect.
05:45Get in here now!
05:48LAUGHTER
05:50Here's your helmet.
05:52LAUGHTER
05:54But it's a good school, it was a good school.
05:56We had our own dance troupe.
05:58Ooh!
06:00Yeah, they were called Neuro Diversity.
06:03LAUGHTER
06:05APPLAUSE
06:07I'm just... I'm slightly worried you haven't stabbed a bit of paper
06:10with a pen enough times.
06:12That's the only thing that's bothering me so far.
06:15There you go. Dan.
06:17Don't ask him another one, I'm fucking terrified here.
06:20LAUGHTER
06:22I wonder if we have got time for another poem.
06:25LAUGHTER
06:27APPLAUSE
06:32Richard, have you got a mascot?
06:34Show business is tough, we know this.
06:38It's hard to remember the joy you used to have.
06:43For me to recall that's important.
06:46So I very kindly, the art department,
06:50helped me remember the kind of passion
06:53and the love I had for the show in previous inclinations.
06:58And just also to remember the kind of journey I've been on.
07:01So this is a previous show and I just look at that guy and go,
07:05wow, can I get back to that kind of enthusiasm?
07:08LAUGHTER
07:10And here, again, look how much I've changed.
07:14It's just...
07:16Cos it's not just about having fun, it's about growth.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:22Also here, I've just got to get back to this guy.
07:25It's just, in a way, if you can be your own hero, that's not bad.
07:30LAUGHTER
07:32APPLAUSE
07:37It's an extraordinary collection of outfits.
07:39Thank you. It's colours I've not seen anywhere else.
07:42Yes, some of them you can find in lichen.
07:46LAUGHTER
07:48Or lichen, some people call it lichen.
07:50I call it lichen.
07:52Katherine, have you got a mascot?
07:54Yes. Wow, I was right in the middle of a sentence.
07:57LAUGHTER
07:59It's so hard to tell.
08:01This is not even a lie.
08:03When I speak to my wife, I have to say comma.
08:05LAUGHTER
08:07Katherine, have you got a mascot?
08:09Did you want to finish what you were saying about lichen?
08:12Yes, Jimmy, I don't know if you've noticed,
08:15but over the years, I have reluctantly taken measures
08:20to fight against the effects of ageing.
08:23Stop it!
08:25But now that I've had my 40th birthday,
08:27I feel like now's the time for me to lean into
08:31the eccentric older woman that I'm destined to become.
08:35And so my mascot is me and my new persona, Kathy Coutts.
08:41LAUGHTER
08:43So that's me now?
08:45I'm rebranding.
08:47And you've all got similar hairstyles
08:49if you feel like putting them on.
08:51You don't have to. I brought enough wigs for everyone.
08:54LAUGHTER
08:56You see, everyone looks more liberated already.
08:59I feel liberated.
09:00We just look like a council on a very bad sci-fi show.
09:04LAUGHTER
09:07Kathy Coutts-tra, you know, she likes to take her bra off.
09:10She really likes to let loose.
09:12You're sitting in the front three rows, you're in the splash zone.
09:15LAUGHTER
09:18The council of Xenar 4 for business.
09:20LAUGHTER
09:23They haven't moved!
09:26I hear what you're saying, Jimmy, and it doesn't bother me any more.
09:29LAUGHTER
09:31Kathy Coutts-tra, she's given up.
09:33Kathy Coutts is down for a good time.
09:36LAUGHTER
09:37It's minor Tennessee Williams, but it's good.
09:39Yeah. Well, I don't think it's Tennessee Williams.
09:42I've met Katherine's mum and this is it.
09:44LAUGHTER
09:46Kathy Coutts, everyone.
09:48APPLAUSE
09:51Why did Jon just become a BG?
09:54LAUGHTER
10:02Do you feel good about yourself, Jon?
10:04Do you feel liberated? Do you want a drink?
10:06I feel alive!
10:08LAUGHTER
10:09Dan, have you got a mascot?
10:11Yeah, Jimmy, I can't count or read, so...
10:14This is quite scary for me, I won't lie.
10:17What I thought was to sort of calm me down and feel like
10:20this isn't that scary, this is fucking nothing,
10:22as I bought the thing that I'm most terrified of in the world here.
10:25I got some beans.
10:27LAUGHTER
10:29So, basically, you know at school that kid who always had beans on his shirt?
10:33That was me, right?
10:35No-one's surprised, yeah.
10:37Well, you should be surprised, cos I've never eaten beans in my life.
10:40LAUGHTER
10:42Cos I look like I like beans, right?
10:44LAUGHTER
10:46I'm on the same grade. You do.
10:48I mean, not only do I look like I like beans,
10:50I look like all I eat is beans.
10:52LAUGHTER
10:53First time I ever seen a bean, right?
10:55I was five, right? I was playing with my sister.
10:58Mum opens the fridge and half a can of beans falls on her head, right?
11:02And I thought her head had exploded.
11:05LAUGHTER
11:07And I thought every beans were in your head.
11:10LAUGHTER
11:12Maybe that's why I can't eat them,
11:15cos they're what's in me.
11:17LAUGHTER
11:19I have another poem.
11:21LAUGHTER
11:23APPLAUSE
11:27Jon, have you got a mascot?
11:29It's rare to be the everyman.
11:31I've never been in this situation before where I'm the relatable one.
11:34LAUGHTER
11:36It's very odd for me.
11:37Oh, Jon Cairns is coming up.
11:39How the fuck's he going to out-weird that?
11:41LAUGHTER
11:44I've never found wigs very funny.
11:47LAUGHTER
11:50I've invented a sort of new holiday.
11:53I call it Chrishmush.
11:55LAUGHTER
11:56Chrishmush.
11:57It's Christmas with an ish.
11:59So here we've got a classic Chrishmush tree.
12:03LAUGHTER
12:05And I'm going to whip the top off there.
12:07Whee!
12:08There we go.
12:09CHEERING
12:11We all feel better already, don't we?
12:13And it's got a little plug here, right next to me water.
12:16LAUGHTER
12:21Ooh!
12:22Who doesn't feel happier?
12:24A genuine mohay from the audience there.
12:26You've got to have an angel on your Christmas tree, haven't you?
12:29Because it's not Christmas, you can pick who you like.
12:31So I've gone with a little Jimmy Carr angel.
12:34LAUGHTER
12:35A little Jimmy angel there.
12:37I picked you cos I wanted to know what you'd look like
12:39with a tree up your arse.
12:40LAUGHTER
12:42And because it's Chrishmush, not Christmas,
12:44so you've got snacks on your tree.
12:46So what I've done is I've put little vegan falafels.
12:49So if you get hungry, you just help yourself off the tree.
12:53All right.
12:54LAUGHTER
12:59Oh, there's no moisture in it.
13:01LAUGHTER
13:03I got you, Jon.
13:05LAUGHTER
13:08Oh!
13:10That's so fucking dry!
13:12LAUGHTER
13:13The gag was that I'll eat it and it's dry,
13:15but my God, it's dry.
13:17I was also dry before I discovered Pornstar Martini.
13:20LAUGHTER
13:22APPLAUSE
13:28So if you need a drink,
13:30in the base of the Chrishmush tree...
13:32LAUGHTER
13:37That's Vegnog, that.
13:39Vegnog?
13:41What is Vegnog?
13:43It's eggnog without the egg.
13:46Well, what's it got in it, then?
13:48Don't ask.
13:50Did you make that yourself?
13:52All the time.
13:54LAUGHTER
13:56OK, and over in Dictionary Corner, it's Jon Kearns.
13:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:02Great to have you back on the show.
14:04Welcome back.
14:06It's been six years since I've been on the show.
14:09Wow.
14:11Over 2,000 days now.
14:13Six long, cold years.
14:18The phone ain't ringing for 2,000 days.
14:23Gets in your head.
14:25You can't help but take it personally, Jimmy.
14:29It's around year five that you think,
14:31did I do something wrong?
14:36You do something I swore I'd never do, you watch it back.
14:40Was I too funny?
14:44No, that wasn't the problem.
14:48Sat here watching today's show...
14:53..that I've really thought,
14:55wow, for six years, I've thought,
14:58nah, he's too weird.
15:05People won't get his stuff.
15:15But I must say, today, Jimmy, I feel very at home.
15:19I must say, today, Jimmy, I feel very at home.
15:31And with Jon, of course, it's Susie Dent.
15:39Leading lexicographer Susie Dent has been working with Amazon
15:42to develop the Alexa vocabulary.
15:44It's been slow going, though, because Alexa keeps going into sleep mode.
15:50Susie, pardon my French, what is the origin of the F word?
15:53Oh, the story is that during the Great Plague,
15:56the population had been wiped out,
15:59and so the monarch said to all fertile couples,
16:02go forth, hang F-U-C-K on your door,
16:05you're fornicating under command of the king,
16:07you are not to be disturbed.
16:09It is literally fucking nonsense.
16:11It's a lovely story.
16:13This is my countdown moment.
16:15It goes back to the Latin pugnare, meaning to fight,
16:18because all the first references in the dictionary are to hitting.
16:22So there was a man who lived in the 14th century
16:25who was unfortunately called Roger.
16:27Roger Fuckbeggar.
16:29Roger what, sorry? Roger Fuckbeggar.
16:31We think he just went around hitting homeless people.
16:34So he was just very violent.
16:36Well, it could have been worse, given the name.
16:39So, anyway, it's a much darker history
16:41than fornicating under command of the king, but...
16:44OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
16:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:52Rachel, you were recently awarded an MB, congratulations.
16:55Thank you. It's a big deal. It's a big, big deal.
17:00Now, looking round at us here,
17:02who do you think is the most likely to receive an honour from the king?
17:05Oof, tough one.
17:07LAUGHTER
17:09I was going to suggest the person who's written 15-odd books
17:12and has guarded the dictionary for 30 years.
17:15I think the problem is, if Susie were made a dame,
17:18then she'd be Lady Dent and she would sound like a vagina.
17:21LAUGHTER
17:23Oh, no, if you've got leggings on too tight,
17:25all I can see you're Lady Dent.
17:28OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this,
17:31the Countdown Irish dancing shoes.
17:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:46APPLAUSE
17:54Time for the first game.
17:55Jon, Dan, you get the first pick of the letters.
17:57Vowel, please.
17:59Thanks, Dan. A. You're welcome. Vowel. Vowel.
18:02U. Vowel!
18:04A. Consonant, please.
18:07T. Consonant, please.
18:10R. Vowel.
18:12O.
18:15Vowel.
18:17Consonant, consonant! Oh, is it too late?
18:20I mean, twist, stick or twist?
18:22All right, we'll fucking check it. Take it.
18:25Consonant, consonant, consonant!
18:27Well, P and M.
18:30While you're getting on with that, I'm going to go online,
18:33check out OnlyFans.
18:35And your time starts now.
18:37Oh, shit.
18:39LAUGHTER
18:44LAUGHTER
18:55LAUGHTER
19:08APPLAUSE
19:11That was lovely.
19:13It's nice to know what I could achieve with a bit of effort.
19:17How many letters, Jon?
19:19Er, six.
19:21How'd you do? I got three.
19:23Richard, how many? Five.
19:25Katherine? Six.
19:26Dan, your three? I got rat.
19:29Rat. Otah. Rat.
19:34Richard, your five? Purim.
19:36What, sorry? Purim.
19:38The Jewish holiday.
19:40Susie? Sorry, I was miles away.
19:42What was that?
19:46You've only done one job! I know!
19:50It's capital P, that is the problem.
19:52I think that's the least of our worries at this stage.
19:56I'm sorry.
19:57And Jon, your six?
19:59Impart.
20:00Katherine, what's your word?
20:01It's atrium.
20:02Great word.
20:05Well, six points to both teams.
20:08Susie, Jon, could they have done any better?
20:10Yeah, six was the best we could do.
20:12OK, on to our first numbers round.
20:14Richard, Katherine, your turn to choose the numbers.
20:16OK, Katherine, what would Katherine do?
20:21Goddammit, Katherine, just pick the numbers.
20:26Er, two big, Rachel on the rest, small?
20:28Sure, Katherine. Here we go.
20:30Your four little ones are three, nine, seven and two,
20:35and the big ones, 50 and 100.
20:38And the target, 540.
20:40Yes!
20:41And your time starts now.
20:43Oh, no, that's wrong.
20:52Oh, no!
21:06Oh, no!
21:14So, the target was 514.
21:16Richard, did you get it?
21:17No.
21:20Kathy, did you get it?
21:21No.
21:22Jon, did you get it?
21:23518.
21:24Dan?
21:25Well, no, I didn't.
21:26And then I thought I got it then, but I didn't.
21:28I've got it now, if that counts.
21:30Go on. Yeah, I think that would count, if you get it now.
21:32What have you got?
21:33100 x 3.
21:34Yes, 100 x 3, 300.
21:35Wow.
21:36Minus 50.
21:37250.
21:38Plus 7.
21:39257.
21:40Times 2.
21:41Well done.
21:43OK, so ten points for Jon.
21:49I've also now got it.
21:53How did you do it?
21:54Exactly the same way.
21:56OK.
21:57Richard and Katherine have six points, Jon and Dan are on 16.
22:04And here is your teaser.
22:05The words are,
22:06IF HE RUBS, and the clue is,
22:08THERE'LL BE SPARKS.
22:09That's IF HE RUBS, THERE'LL BE SPARKS.
22:11See you after the break.
22:28Welcome back.
22:29The answer to the teaser, the words were IF HE RUBS,
22:31and the clue was, THERE'LL BE SPARKS.
22:33Of course, bushfire.
22:34So, Jon and Dan are in the lead.
22:36They've been playing in teams so far,
22:38but this game is just for Jon and Richard.
22:40So, Richard, your turn to choose.
22:42A vowel.
22:43OK, a bit more enthusiasm, please, Richard.
22:45A vowel.
22:47A.
22:48Continent.
22:49T.
22:50A vowel.
22:51A.
22:52Sorry if I'm being aggressive.
22:56Another vowel, please.
22:58Thank you.
22:59I.
23:00A continent.
23:01S.
23:02A continent.
23:03H.
23:04A vowel.
23:05A.
23:06These are really good.
23:07Thank you for your support.
23:09And then two more continents, just to speed it up.
23:12And then N and...
23:13And N.
23:14R.
23:15OK, and your time starts...now.
23:18HE HUMS
23:32HE HUMS
23:48APPLAUSE
23:54Can I just check, did everyone else see that?
23:58OK, Richard, how many?
23:59Six, yeah.
24:00Jon, how many?
24:01Er, I'm going to...
24:03LAUGHTER
24:13OK.
24:14Wow.
24:15OK.
24:19How many, Jon?
24:20Eight.
24:21Diddly.
24:23Eight.
24:24I have an A, Jimmy.
24:26Richard, your six?
24:27Trains.
24:29Trains.
24:30Trains.
24:31There are, they exist.
24:34Jon, what's your word?
24:36HE HUMS
24:40By the way, thank you for respecting my personal space.
24:44I'm so aware I'm going bald from the back.
24:49I don't know if I've been influenced by what's happening, Jimmy,
24:52cos I thought that was a lovely shanty,
24:54but I thought what I'm getting here was a little bit shantier.
24:57Shantier? Susie, do you want to break his heart?
24:59Yeah, it's not there as an adjective, Jon.
25:01You win, Richard!
25:02That's right, that's right, trains.
25:05That's right, mate.
25:07Ladies and gentlemen, the girls from The Shining.
25:12Thank you very much.
25:18Oh.
25:21I don't know, I've just felt like it was bean time.
25:25Susie, Jon, could they have done any better?
25:27I'm going to leave it to the genius of Susie Dent
25:30to give you a sweet nine.
25:32Whoa!
25:33Yeah, it's a bit obscure.
25:35Ratanese, and they're extracts of the roots of a South American shrub.
25:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:45Jon Cairns, I don't know if the audience have noticed,
25:47but he's wearing one of those John Richardson wigs you can buy.
25:53If you lean forward there, Jon, you can see they've modelled it on...
25:58..a John Richardson wig.
26:01Well, if Jimmy leans forward, you can see what hair used to be on his back.
26:10Well, this should be good.
26:11Right, it's now time for Katherine and Dan
26:13to go head-to-head in the numbers round.
26:16Dan, you're to pick the numbers.
26:18One big, and then I guess that means the rest small?
26:21We have three, ten, two, eight, one...
26:25Oh, wait, eight, two, one...
26:28And the target... 25.
26:30I mean... OK, your 30 seconds starts now.
26:32I can't even see it! 176. She's old!
26:36So, fuck me, fucking life.
26:43I don't know how to do that.
26:45Come on, channel Kathy.
26:48Kathy knows. Kathy knows her 25 times table.
26:51I need to get to 70 fucking six.
26:55Still do it with eight.
26:57Oh, fuck, no.
27:03And your second 30 seconds starts.
27:06Reset the clock, they need a little bit more time on this.
27:11Come on, go.
27:15OK.
27:19He's helped her. He's fucking helped her.
27:21That is a god... You...
27:23You're a liar.
27:25You're a goddamn liar, sir.
27:26Dan, do you want some more time?
27:28Yeah, can I get a bib whilst I'm here, cos I'm sort of dribbling?
27:31I don't think I'm going to get there, even if we have an hour.
27:34I think one of the bigger problems you've got
27:36is that piece of paper that you just tried to eat
27:38is the one I wrote the answer on.
27:42Is it like this?
27:46I have the beans.
27:48Katherine, did you get it?
27:50I did eventually get it.
27:52OK, Dan, did you get it?
27:54No, but they cheated.
27:56Hugh, shut up and eat your beans.
28:00I feel like this is the furthest we've ever been
28:02from the real countdown.
28:06No.
28:08But if you do run one, I've got to say,
28:10you've got to go in there and get the spoon, cos that's got to...
28:13We've not met before, but that's not really my thing.
28:18Katherine, how did you do it?
28:20All I knew is that 25 times 7 was 175.
28:24And how did you make a 7?
28:2610 minus 3.
28:27Yes.
28:28And then times 25 is 175.
28:30Luckily, there's a 1.
28:32There is.
28:33And I added that.
28:34Smashed it.
28:35Well done.
28:36Ten points for Katherine.
28:38OK, so Jon and Dan have 16 points.
28:40Richard and Katherine are in the lead with 22 points.
28:44All right, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner
28:47for a bit of sanity.
28:52Jon, what have you got for us?
28:54Thank you, Jimmy.
28:56The great thing about technology
28:58is that you can be in two places at the same time.
29:02When I was asked to do this show, I checked the diary
29:06and I was busy.
29:08My part-time job, job on the side, Susie,
29:12is that I'm an auctioneer.
29:14But with the help of this VR headset,
29:18I can leave Countdown for a second
29:21and go straight to the auction house.
29:29OK, hello?
29:31Can you hear me? Can you hear me?
29:33OK, hello there, good afternoon, never mind where I am.
29:36Never mind where I am!
29:38OK, let's get on with this thing.
29:41First lot here, what do we have?
29:43OK, it's a phone case signed by Mother Teresa.
29:48Do I hear...?
29:50Do I hear 70? Do I hear 70?
29:5270, 80?
29:54110, 110, 110...
29:57100, 100, 100...
29:59100, 100, 100...
30:01Do I hear 100, 100, 100...
30:03100, 100, 100...
30:05100, 100, 100...
30:07OK, let's go to the next item.
30:09Let's go to the next item. What have we got?
30:11We've got a door.
30:13A door that was lent against by Vernon Kay.
30:20Circa 2000, when he was around presenting T4.
30:25Do I hear 15 in the room?
30:28Do I hear 15 in the room?
30:3120, thank you, sir!
30:36Do I have 30?
30:38I've got 30 on the phone! I've got 30 on the phone!
30:41Do I have anything...
30:43Thank you, sir! Thank you, 40!
30:4540, do I hear 50?
30:4750, thank you very much! Do I have a better of 50?
30:50Do I have a better of... Sale, sale, sale, sale!
30:53Sale! 50, thank you so much, sir!
30:56You have a lot of money, my brother!
30:59Right, let's wrap this up.
31:01Ah, the last item on the bill
31:05is a full England strip
31:09that was worn by David Beckham in the World Cup in 1998.
31:13It is a sock short
31:16because the previous owner, one night,
31:18ran out of toilet roll and kitchen roll.
31:21So, do I...
31:23Do I hear...
31:25£100,000 in the room?
31:28Thank you so much, £100,000 in the room!
31:30Thank you! Do I hear anything on 100?
31:32Thank you very much, sir! What happened to...
31:34Is there anything on 100?
31:36£300,000 in the room!
31:39Do I hear 300 in the room?
31:41Go in once, go in twice!
31:43Sale! Sale to the prick in the middle!
31:45Thank you very much, sir!
31:47Well, that's the end of the auction. Thank you very much.
31:50Jimmy, you really got to calm down.
31:52It's a lot of fun down there.
31:56Ron Kearns, everyone.
32:03If you've been affected by any of the issues
32:06raised in tonight's show, please do get in touch.
32:09OK, here is your teaser. The words are GO ON SHIT.
32:13And the clue is... Does that feel better?
32:15That's GO ON SHIT. Does that feel better?
32:17See you after the break.
32:33Welcome back. The answer to the teaser.
32:35The words were GO ON SHIT. The clue was...
32:37Does that feel better? It was, of course, soothing.
32:39OK, before we go on, time for a quick bonus round.
32:42Now, some of our guests on the show can barely read and write,
32:45so it's time to improve their spelling.
32:47Jon, Catherine, join me in the centre for the Countdown Spelling Bee.
32:52APPLAUSE
32:58OK, so this is the Countdown Spelling Bee.
33:01During the break, you were both fitted with electric shock pads.
33:04Every time you make a mistake,
33:06you will get an electric shock equivalent to a bee sting.
33:09What?!
33:11Do you understand what's going to happen here?
33:13Yeah, you're a prick.
33:15All right, we're going to check they're working.
33:17Catherine, I'll test yours first. You're a fucker.
33:19He does this gag every time. It's going to be me, isn't it?
33:24It fucking says Jimmy Zapps on the autocue.
33:27You can't even...
33:29You can't even make it up.
33:35I think I'm just used to, like, Botox and everything.
33:38Are you pressing it? There's, like, a tingle. I like it.
33:41Oh!
33:45You can't piss in these trousers and get away with it.
33:50Catherine, you're up first.
33:52Nice, easy one to start with.
33:54Your word is gobbledygook. Spell gobbledygook.
33:57I'll use it in a sentence, if you'd like. OK.
33:59Oh, no, I'm covered in gobbledygook.
34:03G-O-B-B-L-E-D-I-P.
34:07Ah, yeah, I love that.
34:11I can tell you this actually spelt G-O-B-B-L-E-D-Y.
34:15Why? G-O-O-K.
34:17I got it wrong. Shock me again.
34:21Yeah, it's nice. OK, Jon, easy one for you to start with.
34:24Son of a bitch.
34:26It's where. Spell where.
34:29I'm doing Q-I next.
34:33W.
34:38E.
34:40No. Oh!
34:43W-H.
34:45Next time I get electrocuted,
34:47my right leg is going to really kick out as far as I can tell.
34:53Oh!
34:58That was amazing.
35:01OK, Catherine, your word is pterodactyl.
35:04OK.
35:06T-E-R-O-D-A-C-T-Y-L-E.
35:20Oh, there was no E on the end.
35:22Well, I liked getting shocked. Yeah.
35:25There was no E on the end, but otherwise you did very well.
35:28Oh, thanks. You should have stopped.
35:33All right, Jon, your word is gonorrhea.
35:36G-O-N-O-R-R-E.
35:49H-E.
35:54Aye!
35:57He wondered if that was right.
36:00I like it as well. I like it.
36:03I like it.
36:06Do you want to have another go at gonorrhea?
36:08No, just zap me, mate, I like it.
36:11I like it. I like it.
36:15I like it. I like it.
36:19I've fucking got A-levels.
36:22Come on, gonorrhea.
36:24Double R.
36:26Did you zap me at O? Yeah, so...
36:29E.
36:32It's like a horse that can count.
36:35What did I say? H.
36:37Yeah, H. Yeah. O.
36:40E. Yeah.
36:43A.
36:45Correct.
36:49Well, Jon's the winner, five points for your team.
36:51What a time!
36:53All right, back to your seats.
36:55I'm going to have that for the rest of the show, thank you.
36:58Thanks, mate.
37:01This is the icing on Cathy Coot's evening cake.
37:06OK, time for our next letters game.
37:08Richard, Catherine, your turn to choose.
37:10A consonant. M.
37:12And a vowel?
37:14E.
37:16And a vowel, please?
37:18I. Oh, great.
37:20And also a consonant.
37:22Y. OK.
37:24And a consonant? N.
37:26OK. And a consonant?
37:29G. Oh, wow. OK.
37:31And also maybe a vowel?
37:33Why not?
37:35A. Oh.
37:37And... Oh.
37:39Consonant, I think. T.
37:41Shut up!
37:43And then a vowel, please?
37:45And last one for you, Richard. O.
37:47O. OK, and your time starts now.
37:58MUSIC PLAYS
38:22John, how many?
38:23Six.
38:25Dan? Five.
38:27Risky, seven.
38:29Ooh.
38:30Catherine? Six.
38:31Dan? You're five.
38:33Goaty.
38:38That's also what Hitler called his pet goat.
38:45Susie, is goaty in there?
38:47Yeah, it's an adjective, yes, and to be goaty.
38:54John, you're six.
38:55Toying.
38:56Catherine, you're six.
38:57Well, mine was also toying, but I also have teaming.
39:00Your risky seven, Richard.
39:02Well, there are two. So one is meeting.
39:04Not there.
39:05OK, wow, that was so quick.
39:08What about moating?
39:10Yeah, moating as in building a moat.
39:12As in, I'm on a moat and I'm just enjoying myself.
39:17Moating.
39:19Moating is in.
39:21Shut your face.
39:23Shut your face.
39:25Moat, what does it mean? What does it mean?
39:28To surround with a moat.
39:30John, Susie, could they have done any better?
39:32Seven was the best, actually. Wow.
39:34Seven points for Richard.
39:38OK, time to go once again to Dictionary Corner.
39:40John, what have you got for us?
39:42Thank you, Jimmy.
39:43If I may, I'd like to pay respects to my neighbour, Deborah,
39:48who passed away now.
39:50Dead Deborah.
39:52Deadra, as I call her.
39:54She died of natural causes, of course, Susie.
39:57Her last message to me was,
39:59um, I'm in an electrical storm holding my trumpet.
40:04Is it all right if I point it up?
40:06And I replied, yes, lol, and I've regretted it ever since.
40:11If I'm honest with you, Jimmy,
40:13she never got over the death of her husband,
40:16George, five foot three,
40:19Cypriot, Gemini.
40:22And part of her culture is that you bury someone with cash.
40:26So she put 500 quid in his breast pocket.
40:30A year later, well, she was going through a rough time.
40:36So they had to go and, you know...
40:42..dig him up.
40:44They cracked open the coffin.
40:46It was 20 quid short, he was wearing a new hat.
40:49No-one could explain it.
40:53LAUGHTER
40:56But, um, her last dying wish...
41:01Her last dying wish. Her last dying wish.
41:03Her last dying wish. Not the first, the last one.
41:05Oh, she had a lot of dying wishes.
41:07But the last one I listened to.
41:09She said she'd love to have her ashes in an egg timer.
41:16So I thought, do you know what?
41:18She's always wanted to be on the show.
41:20And you're looking good, girl. You're looking good.
41:24And this is perfectly 30 seconds.
41:26So the next time we play a round of Countdown,
41:29I thought I'd use this so she could be involved, you know?
41:32I mean, it might not be exactly 30 seconds,
41:35it might be a minute or two out, but, um...
41:38In great respects of Deborah,
41:41Deborah, your time to rest in peace starts now.
41:46APPLAUSE
41:49Jon Kerr is everyone.
41:52And here is your teaser. The words are MINGE DIP.
41:55The clue is, get out of the way.
41:57That's MINGE DIP. Get out of the way.
42:00See you after the break.
42:02APPLAUSE
42:16Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were MINGE DIP.
42:19The clue was, get out of the way.
42:21It was, of course, IMPEDING. OK.
42:23All right, time for our final letters game.
42:25Richard, Catherine, your turn to choose.
42:27OK, Rachel, can we have three consonants and then I'll decide again?
42:30OK. N, S and V.
42:33And two vowels, please.
42:35I and U.
42:37Consonant. This is going badly, I feel.
42:39R. Vowel. Yeah, sure. Please.
42:41Why not? A.
42:43Consonant vowel.
42:45And B and...
42:48O.
42:49OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
43:13MUSIC
43:23Great, and that's, yeah, 50% off.
43:37Richard, how many?
43:39Six. Six.
43:41Catherine?
43:42Invisible.
43:44I-N-V-U-S-A-B-O.
43:48And that's an eight.
43:51Women over 40 like me, we become invisible.
43:56Rachel, get up!
44:02You are a pretty girl, but fuck's sake.
44:06I'm going to say none.
44:08That was bad. Dan, how many?
44:10I have got a word that encapsulates...
44:14How many? Seven, so fuck you.
44:19She wasn't finished there.
44:21Seven?
44:23It encapsulates not only the city we're in, my city, Manchester,
44:27but also the gay community.
44:29Huge. OK, Jon, how many?
44:30A seven that doesn't do any of that.
44:34So, Richard, your six?
44:36Brains.
44:37And Dan, your seven?
44:38Rainbows!
44:40Er, just need a W.
44:42Yeah.
44:44Traditionally, yeah.
44:45Someone fucking get me a W there.
44:49Jon, your seven?
44:50Various.
44:51Yeah, very good.
44:52Well done, Jon.
44:56Jon, Susie, could they have done any better?
44:58No, seven was what we got.
45:00Susie also got...
45:02Saviour.
45:03What's that?
45:04Saviour.
45:05Saviour.
45:06What's that?
45:07Saviour, brother!
45:11Oh, saviour!
45:12Saviour!
45:13Saviour!
45:15As in, save your breath.
45:19A real saviour breath.
45:23OK, so Jon and Dan have 28 points.
45:26Richard and Catherine just ahead with 29.
45:29Oh!
45:33OK, right, fingers on buzzers.
45:35Here's today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
45:38Oh!
45:49Oh, oh, I think I know what it is.
45:52Readings.
45:55Why isn't it?
45:56Is it readings?
45:57No.
45:58What, re...
45:59Oh.
46:00No, it's not.
46:01Someone's at the door.
46:08Oh.
46:13Oh.
46:17Yes, Catherine and Ryan.
46:18It is Garnished.
46:20Let's have a look.
46:21It's Garnished.
46:27So, the final scores are Jon and Dan have 28 points,
46:31Richard and Catherine are the winners with 39.
46:34Yeah!
46:35Congratulations.
46:36You're now the proud owners of these,
46:38the Countdown Irish dancing shoes.
46:40Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
46:43and to all of you for watching at home.
46:45That's it from us. Goodnight.
47:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE