8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown - S26E03 - 2 August 2024
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00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:31Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown...
00:35Alan Carr!
00:37Sarah Millican!
00:39Gary Delaney!
00:41Munya Chawawa!
00:43Don Rodolfo!
00:45Susie Dent!
00:47Rachel Riley!
00:49And your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:57Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:00a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:02On this show, what you see is what you get.
01:04And what you see is five thick comedians,
01:06a talking dictionary and a calculator in a dress.
01:09LAUGHTER
01:11OK, let's meet tonight's players.
01:13First up, it's team captain Alan Carr!
01:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:21At school, Alan says he was a chubby, shy, goofy gay guy
01:25who wore glasses.
01:27But looking at him now...
01:28LAUGHTER
01:30..it's hard to believe he used to be shy.
01:32LAUGHTER
01:34And Alan's team-mate, Munya Chawawa!
01:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:41Munya once spent £200 on having a barber come to his house
01:45to cut his hair.
01:46You got ripped off there, mate.
01:48I don't pay that much and I send my hair to them.
01:50LAUGHTER
01:52Up against them this evening, it's team captain Sarah Millican!
01:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:00Sarah does a lot of work for charity and, in fact,
02:03she's married to her team-mate Gary Delaney.
02:06LAUGHTER
02:08I'm the charity case, says Lego Head.
02:11LAUGHTER
02:13And on Sarah's team, an award-winning, multi-talented
02:16and universally loved comedian's husband, Gary Delaney!
02:19LAUGHTER
02:22Like Brangelina, Gary and Sarah are a power couple.
02:26So powerful, in fact, that they're now known by just one name.
02:30Sarah Millican.
02:31LAUGHTER
02:34Alan, since you were last on the show,
02:36you have written and starred in a sitcom.
02:38How was the experience?
02:39Yeah, it's a sitcom called Changing Ends.
02:41It's based on my life, me growing up.
02:44So we had to audition for a young Alan,
02:47so we got over 500 tapes of young Alan,
02:50some of them were so sweet,
02:52some of them were just downright offensive.
02:54LAUGHTER
02:56I don't want to see a child in a fat suit, I'm just saying.
02:59LAUGHTER
03:01And I went around and coughed 500 times,
03:03it was like being back in the playground, honestly.
03:05LAUGHTER
03:08And, yeah, and it was all my family,
03:10so I've been casting for my family,
03:12and my mum was quite hard for my mum
03:14because she's got quite broad shoulders
03:16and Hulk Hogan pulled out last minute.
03:18LAUGHTER
03:20And it's a shame because his tash was spot on.
03:22LAUGHTER
03:25And it's been recommissioned for a second series,
03:27which is wonderful.
03:28Oh, congratulations!
03:29APPLAUSE
03:31So I think it's going to be like Northampton's answer to The Crown.
03:34And...
03:35LAUGHTER
03:37And I don't know who's going to play me in the future,
03:39but the way my hairline's going,
03:41I think Greg Wallace is on a light pencil.
03:43LAUGHTER
03:45Alan, talk us through the look this evening.
03:47What are you wearing?
03:48I'm not realising that I'm sort of getting old.
03:51No, I look like...
03:53LAUGHTER
03:54I look like a gay dance player.
03:56LAUGHTER
03:58APPLAUSE
04:00I know, you know.
04:01You know, you don't...
04:03You don't realise, on the hockey, Alan Carl,
04:06I'm under an 80.
04:08Can I get away with it?
04:09Yeah, we're like an interracial Jedward.
04:11LAUGHTER
04:14OK, Monia, what's the most uncool thing you've ever done?
04:18Most uncool thing I've ever done,
04:20the first time I ever sent a sext,
04:22it was from my grandad's phone.
04:24LAUGHTER
04:26Well, did Nana like it?
04:27LAUGHTER
04:29OK, so it's summer holidays,
04:31I'm staying at my grandparents' house. Right.
04:33And my girlfriend at the time wants to sext,
04:35which I agreed to, but I don't have any credit.
04:38But I knew my grandad had an emergency Nokia 3310
04:41in the kitchen drawer.
04:42So I took my grandad's Nokia cos I knew it had £10 on.
04:45So I've got the phone, you know,
04:47I'm flirting the best a teenager can.
04:49I'm like, how are you?
04:51LAUGHTER
04:55And then the text stopped sending.
04:57So now I can't text my girlfriend
05:00to stop sexting my grandad's phone.
05:03So I've got three options.
05:04Number one, destroy the phone.
05:05I can't, it's a Nokia.
05:07LAUGHTER
05:08No matter how many times you try and destroy it,
05:10it will come back to life.
05:11It's like that insect, Piers Morgan.
05:13LAUGHTER
05:15I can't hide it, cos even on silent,
05:17it's like an industrial vibrator.
05:19So in the end, I just had to wait for it to die.
05:22And thankfully, one day it did.
05:24LAUGHTER
05:29APPLAUSE
05:32Now, Sarah, you're here with your real-life partner, Gary.
05:35How do you keep things spicy in your relationship?
05:37We've got money as grandad's Nokia.
05:39LAUGHTER
05:41Industrial vibrator.
05:42That's what I heard when you were talking.
05:44LAUGHTER
05:45Three words for you, Jimmy.
05:46Topless curry nights.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:49Cannot recommend it enough.
05:50Cannot recommend it enough.
05:52So talk me through topless curry night.
05:54So I just got really sick of cleaning stains.
05:58LAUGHTER
06:02You know, like the yellow stains out of T-shirts.
06:06So we take our tops off, we eat our curry.
06:09Now, you'd think, after that, cos you're semi-naked,
06:12that that would lead on to sort of a fruity evening,
06:15and it doesn't.
06:16We just put our tops back on and watch the teletype.
06:18LAUGHTER
06:20You can't have curry on date night,
06:22cos there's repercussions later.
06:24It's really, really bad planning to do that.
06:26We did it once and we never did it again.
06:29Harrowing for all concerned.
06:31I didn't used to have to wear glasses.
06:33LAUGHTER
06:39Gary, tell us something about Sarah we might not know.
06:42People may not know this, but Sarah is my trophy wife,
06:46cos her ears stick out and she's got the previous winner's names
06:49tattooed down her back.
06:51LAUGHTER
06:53APPLAUSE
06:56I wouldn't say she's embarrassed about me,
06:58but at our wedding, I was only invited to the evening do.
07:01LAUGHTER
07:03Sarah, if you were our mascot this evening,
07:05what would you bring for good luck?
07:07So I get very stressed in this show, cos I'm generally not very good at it,
07:10and I thought, you know what would be nice,
07:12is to have a way of giving myself slightly different surroundings.
07:15Fabio, if you could bring it out, please.
07:17What I've got is a portable scenery changer.
07:19It's going to pop behind me.
07:21So, for example, if I'm getting a bit stressed,
07:23it's my hometown, South Shields, and it's the beach.
07:26I had sex there, about there, once.
07:28Well, they put up a monument to it.
07:30LAUGHTER
07:32It wasn't with you, sorry.
07:34Yeah, I've never been to that beach.
07:36LAUGHTER
07:38So that calms me down.
07:40And another place that I feel really at home,
07:42second one, please, thank you, lovely, is, er...
07:45..Greg's.
07:47I've not had sex in there, but, you know, there's time, still.
07:50LAUGHTER
07:52Next one, please, this is for when I'm concentrating,
07:54just so you know that I'm concent...
07:56LAUGHTER
08:00If I get really stressed, this next one,
08:02I think this knocks everybody out, really, to my spa pebbles.
08:05Who doesn't love a spa pebble?
08:07Just makes me feel like I need to weigh this,
08:09cos there's always tinkling water at the same time.
08:11And then if I get too relaxed, the last one, please, thanks, Fabio,
08:15which is the set of the show we're on.
08:18Sarah's scene changer. Fantastic.
08:20Thank you very much, Fabio.
08:22Very good.
08:26Munya, have you got a mascot with you?
08:28I have indeed, Jim Bob.
08:30This is Munya's helping hand.
08:33Snack!
08:38Each fingernail comes with a different device
08:40to help me win the game.
08:42So we start with the snack finger, OK?
08:45And this is a chocolate finger filled with chocolate fingers, OK?
08:50Next up, we have the attack finger.
08:55Can incapacitate with a single squirt,
08:57which is also Jimmy's Tinder bio.
09:03Up next, we have a pair of binoculars
09:05that I can use to spy on their answers.
09:07Also, it's probably the closest we'll get to a black James Bond, so...
09:11Finally, the Barack finger.
09:14So this is one of Barack Obama's fingers.
09:17Can I borrow that? Yeah, sure.
09:21And that's my helping hand.
09:28Gary, have you got a mascot? Yes, I have.
09:30I'm coming to the end of the tour, so I've got to write another one,
09:33and writing jokes is hard, man, it takes ages.
09:35So I thought I'd use a bit of technology.
09:37So I've got for you here the Jokertron 3000,
09:40and it will spew up set-ups and punchlines as needed.
09:43So we'll give this a little go.
09:45So, yeah, you can see the technology, the magic there.
09:49Right, so here we go. Yeah, take that, chat GPT.
09:52Yeah, exactly.
09:54We'll have a set-up, and we'll have a punch.
09:57Rabbi, a priest and a vicar go into a pub.
10:01But he was on D-Wing, so now it looks like an air sock.
10:07I was in Greg's. I said, I'd like an apple tart.
10:10She said, here's your apple, you prick.
10:13Time-saving advice, the Jokertron 3000.
10:16Jokertron 3000.
10:21Alan, have you brought a mascot with you?
10:23Well, sort of, Jimmy, and I feel a bit of an idiot, really,
10:27because I'm ashamed to say I've started vaping.
10:31Oh, no. Is anyone vaping here?
10:35Great, thank you for the support.
10:38Clearly half of these are on crack.
10:43You can't vape in restaurants,
10:45you can't vape on a plane and everything,
10:48so I've come up with a way of vaping and doing it in plain sight.
10:54So I'm really proud of it.
10:59You see?
11:02And the really clever thing is,
11:05you can put your three favourite things in here,
11:08like my flavours, scampi fries...
11:12..palmer violet...
11:15..and my favourite, bin juice.
11:19Does anyone know I'm vaping?
11:21No!
11:24BELL RINGS
11:34You move so gracefully.
11:39I'm vaping, I'm vaping.
11:42So...
11:45Say, no, no, no, no!
11:48I'm on a plane.
11:50I want to vape.
11:53You can't vape on a plane, can you?
11:56So, you nip to the toilet.
11:59Everyone thinks I'm having a mid-air dump.
12:03No, I'm vaping.
12:09OK, let's...
12:13LAUGHTER
12:16No, you're not playing it? OK, fine.
12:19Am I having a vape?
12:21What the...?
12:24HE PANTS
12:27Right, OK.
12:30BELL RINGS
12:35No-one knows.
12:38It's a little secret.
12:43LAUGHTER
12:55You arsehole.
12:57There you go, me little vape.
13:00You should get a job on Ryanair, you're really shitty.
13:04Thank you, everyone.
13:06APPLAUSE
13:10Right, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Don Rodolfo.
13:18Don Rodolfo, it's your first time on the show.
13:20Could you tell us a little bit about yourself?
13:22I'm Don Rodolfo, the greatest swordsman in the world.
13:25All-round cool gay.
13:27Famous adventurer and total hussy.
13:30God, what are they teaching you in schools?
13:32But you don't have books.
13:34You don't have heard of news.
13:37All right, allow me to introduce myself.
13:39I am Don Rodolfo Martini Toyota.
13:42But I have gone by many names.
13:44You may know me as El Bastardo.
13:47The Widowmaker. The Widowlover. The Widowlicker.
13:51I have bathed in the blood of my enemies
13:53and showered in the piss of my friends.
13:57I have laughed in the face of death.
14:01I've been asked to leave a lot of funerals.
14:05And both have and am a world-class bellend.
14:11OK. And you know how the game works?
14:14I know how to milk an otter and make cheese from its lactate.
14:19I know when a dog is a virgin.
14:22I know how to make really nice rice.
14:26I think I can figure out your little game.
14:30And with Don Rodolfo, of course, it's Susie Dent.
14:34APPLAUSE
14:37Susie Dent's books come in hardback, paperback
14:39and no, you can't have your money back.
14:43What have you been researching recently?
14:45I have been looking at, you know,
14:47those things that really get on people's nerves,
14:49like like as a filler.
14:51Love Islanders always get such stick for this.
14:53Apparently there was one episode in which one person said like
14:5740 times within one minute.
15:00So I looked it up in the Oxford English Dictionary
15:02and the first use of like as a filler was 1778.
15:07But better still, it was in a book written by somebody
15:10called Fanny Burney, which is exactly what you get
15:13if you're on Love Island.
15:15LAUGHTER
15:17It's symmetry.
15:22And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
15:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:29Rachel, you recently met the King. How was that?
15:31Yeah, I got my MBE from King Charles.
15:33I can't retain any information for more than about three seconds
15:36since I had kids, so they tell you what to do about, you know,
15:38when to shake hands, when to curtsy.
15:40And then it came to the point where he pins the medal on you
15:42and you shake your hand and then you have to leave,
15:44but you have to curtsy and then go a certain way.
15:47So I was shaking the hands and I just panicked, curtsied and ran.
15:51Just straight out the door.
15:52Do you understand what he says?
15:54Cos he sounds like a leaf blower, doesn't he?
15:56HE MIMICS LEAF BLOWER
15:58HE MIMICS LEAF BLOWER
16:01How did it feel shaking his hand?
16:03Let me guess.
16:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
16:12OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this,
16:15the Countdown practice milking set.
16:18Oh, God.
16:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
16:28LAUGHTER
16:32Oh! Oh!
16:34Oh!
16:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
16:41The hell was that?
16:44OK, let's count down, everyone.
16:46Time for our first game.
16:47Sarah and Gary, you get the first pick of the letters.
16:49Consonant. Thanks, Gary.
16:51L
16:52Another consonant.
16:54V
16:55Another consonant.
16:57F
16:58Another consonant.
16:59M
17:00And all the rest are the other type of letters.
17:02No, not all of them.
17:03I
17:04All of them.
17:05Oh, really?
17:06A
17:07No, one more consonant at the end.
17:09I'm being told I want another consonant at the end.
17:11LAUGHTER
17:12A final P. Thank you.
17:14All right, for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
17:19And over in Dictionary Corner, we have the world's most boring man,
17:23it's Jimmy Carr.
17:25APPLAUSE
17:28Jimmy, you recently released yet another book
17:30all about the origins of words and phrases.
17:32Tell me, where do you get your shitty ideas from?
17:35LAUGHTER
17:37And in charge of the numbers, it's Fabio.
17:39APPLAUSE
17:42OK, Fabio, could it be done?
17:45OK, the prize the Tims will be competing for tonight is this,
17:49the Countdown roller skates.
17:51APPLAUSE
17:55CHEERING
18:00Multiverse versions even shittier than ours.
18:02LAUGHTER
18:03OK, Gary, how many?
18:04I've got a four.
18:05Sarah, how many?
18:06I've got a five.
18:07OK, Alan, how many?
18:08Six.
18:09Ooh!
18:10Oh, don't. He might be wrong.
18:12Munya, how many?
18:13Five for me.
18:14Gary, you're four.
18:15It's wrong.
18:16I put peeve, but that would require three Es.
18:19Yeah.
18:20Sarah, what's your word?
18:21Oh, leave.
18:22Leave.
18:23I thought you were talking to me.
18:25Yeah.
18:26LAUGHTER
18:27Munya?
18:28Flame for me, Jimmy.
18:29Alan, you're six for the points.
18:31I'm worried now, cos I never normally do well.
18:34Impale?
18:35Yes.
18:36Ooh!
18:37Brilliant.
18:38APPLAUSE
18:39Oh, that's nice.
18:40Six points for Alan's team.
18:42Don Rodolfo, Susie Dent, could they have done any better?
18:46Yeah, they could have chosen professions
18:48that did not bring shame on their families.
18:50LAUGHTER
18:53Words. Words-wise, no. No better than six.
18:56So, at the end of that, Alan and Munya are in the lead with six points.
18:59Wicked.
19:00APPLAUSE
19:01On to our first numbers round.
19:03Alan, Munya, your turn to pick the numbers.
19:05Four big ones, two little ones.
19:07Oh, no.
19:08What?
19:09Oh, no, no. It's really hard.
19:11This is madness.
19:13Right, we have one and three.
19:16150, 75, 25.
19:19Oh, God.
19:20What have you done?
19:21289.
19:22OK, well, your time starts now.
19:29What have you done?
19:32LAUGHTER
19:55So, the target was 289.
19:58Did you get it, Gary?
20:01Sarah, did you get it?
20:02Nope.
20:03Munya?
20:04Hell no.
20:06I've got 296. Is that any good?
20:09Something.
20:10What did you do, Alan?
20:11OK, well, 75 divided by 25 is three.
20:15Then you times the 100, which is 300,
20:17and then you take away the three and the one.
20:19296.
20:20APPLAUSE
20:22Rachel, did you get it?
20:24It's your only job, come on.
20:27I think...
20:29Shall we try it?
20:31Shall we try it?
20:32Yeah.
20:33Has anyone got a calculator?
20:35Why do you think we employ you?
20:38All right, OK.
20:40100 minus three is 97.
20:43And then we want to do 75 times 97,
20:47which will be 7,275.
20:5375.
20:55And then minus 50, 7,225.
20:58And then divide that by...
21:01Yeah, 25.
21:03And you might get 289.
21:05You do.
21:06That is...
21:07APPLAUSE
21:09How is that possible?
21:13OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
21:16Don Rodolfo, what have you got for us?
21:18A lot of people ask me, as a hero to millions,
21:21why I became so successful.
21:23Like, what's my daily routine?
21:25And I'm happy to share it with you.
21:27This is a typical day for me.
21:294am, wake up.
21:30Why 4am?
21:31Because three's too early.
21:32I like a lion.
21:33First thing's first, ice-cold shower.
21:35Shock the body.
21:36Second thing's second, jump in the fire.
21:38Shock the body.
21:39Third thing's third, treat the burns.
21:41I'm all about self-care.
21:43Now, food.
21:44It's 4.30am, I down 13 raw eggs.
21:47Shell on.
21:49If I'm hungry for something, need to make some gains, get swole,
21:52I swap the eggs for chickens.
21:5413 raw, whole live chickens.
21:56Feathers on, neck back.
21:59At 5am, I go out to commune with nature.
22:02See, as a child, to toughen me up,
22:04my father would take me out to the countryside
22:06and throw me down a badger set to fight for my life.
22:08I still try to do that every other day.
22:10It keeps me sharp.
22:11Me and the badgers will wrestle for anything up to three hours.
22:14No eye-gouging, no fishhooks, no butt stuff.
22:16Everything else goes.
22:198am, I take a moment of quiet contemplation and breathe.
22:22Breathe deep down into my pelvis, connect with it.
22:258.15, breathe into someone else's pelvis, connect with it.
22:29After lunch, I spend my afternoons on quests.
22:32You know, rescuing fair maidens,
22:34freeing villages from the bondage of an evil baron.
22:37I might fist-fight the witch or fist-fuck a goblin.
22:40It's all in a day's work.
22:42After the stresses of the day, dinner time is family time.
22:45Not my family.
22:46I invite someone else's family over and watch them eat.
22:49Nobody speaks. They feel incredibly uncomfortable.
22:51I hate having them there. I don't know why we do it.
22:558pm is my son Dragon's bedtime.
22:57We normally do bath and a story before tucking him in.
22:59Now, his sheets are normally saturated by about midnight
23:02when we'll move him to sleep the second half of the night,
23:04drying out in a massive bowl of rice.
23:08In my hometown of Monmouth, between 9 and 11,
23:11is a period I like to call The Purge.
23:13Two hours of pure, lawless bliss.
23:15You kill a man, that's all gravy.
23:17You boil his bones with some carrots and onions,
23:19add some flour to thicken, that really is gravy.
23:23At midnight, I usually get visited by the ghosts of my past,
23:26haunting and forewarning me of an afterlife spent
23:28in the fires of hell and the eternity of suffering
23:30and agonising torment that awaits.
23:32Then it's a glass of Ovaltine, but he buys about two.
23:36John McDonnell, everyone.
23:38Wow. Can I, um...
23:41Can I ask where exactly in Spain you're from?
23:45I move around a lot.
23:47I move around a lot.
23:49A lot.
23:53The scores at the moment, Sarah and Gary have no points,
23:56nothing on the board.
23:57Alan and Munya are in the lead with 11.
23:59Yes.
24:02And here is your teaser. The words are GONADNIT.
24:05The clue is, better to give than receive.
24:07That's GONADNIT, better to give than to receive.
24:10See you after the break.
24:27Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were GONADNIT.
24:30The clue was, better to give than receive.
24:32It was, of course, donating.
24:34So, the scores at the moment, Alan and Munya are in the lead
24:38with 11 points.
24:39They've been playing in teams so far,
24:41but this game is just for Alan and Sarah.
24:43Team captain versus team captain.
24:45Your turn to choose, Alan.
24:47Five consonants and four vowels, please.
24:50OK.
24:51G-B-N-D-S-O-E-U-N-A.
24:58Have you got one of these?
24:59You can turn, like, toy animals into real animals.
25:01Oh, no. I'm not going to get one. That sounds amazing.
25:04They're good. Your time starts now.
25:06What?
25:13Is she there?
25:21Let's see if that'll do a mix.
25:32Dog and me.
25:42Come here.
25:48Come back out.
25:51Have some treats.
25:55He's embarrassed cos we're wearing the same thing.
25:58Come on, Theo, be a fucking professional, mate.
26:03Theo, Theo!
26:05Theo!
26:07Theo!
26:09Yeah, mate.
26:11Hello.
26:12Hello, come here.
26:14Theo, Theo.
26:17You're not wet.
26:24Alan, what have you got?
26:26Alan, what have you got?
26:27I've got a six.
26:29Sarah, how many?
26:30I think I've got a seven.
26:31Oh, Alan, what's your six?
26:32Gonads.
26:35OK, so you've got gonads. Sarah?
26:37A bounce.
26:38Really nice, yeah.
26:40Seven points to Sarah.
26:44Don, Rodolfo, Susie, could they have done any better?
26:47Dog banes.
26:49What's a dog bane?
26:50It's a thing that poison our dog.
26:52Yeah, is that true?
26:53Yeah.
26:54Dog bane.
26:55Dog bane.
26:57It sounds more Irish than that.
27:04Dog bane.
27:07OK, so at the end of that, Sarah and Gary have seven points,
27:10Alan and Munya have 11.
27:14Right.
27:16Now time for Gary and Munya to go head-to-head.
27:18Gary, your turn to pick the numbers.
27:20Let's have two big ones and four small ones.
27:22I'm going to go for a little coming up.
27:24Two, three, seven, three, 75 and 50.
27:30And the target?
27:32388.
27:33OK, so the target is 388.
27:35Your time starts now.
27:37OK.
27:52MUSIC PLAYS
28:06So the target was 388.
28:09Munya, did you get it?
28:10No.
28:11Gary, did you get it?
28:12385, I think.
28:14OK.
28:15Gareth, how did you do that?
28:16OK.
28:17Two plus three, five.
28:18Yep.
28:19Times the 75, it's hopefully 375.
28:22Yep.
28:23And then plus the seven and the three.
28:25Well done.
28:26Seven points to Gary.
28:29Could it be done, Rachel?
28:30Yes.
28:3150 times seven, 350.
28:33Three over three is one.
28:35Add it to 75, 76 and divide it by two for 38.
28:40And add it on.
28:44OK, time to go across once again to Dictionary Corner.
28:48Don Rodolfo, you're Spanish,
28:50I'll just remind you of that before we start.
28:54What have you got for us?
28:55Well, Jimmy, I've killed a lot of people.
28:57Like, a lot.
28:59But they say you never forget your first.
29:01Well, I did.
29:02I got no recollection, cos I've been doing it since I was a little baby.
29:05You know how some people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth?
29:09I was born with a silver sword in my hand.
29:12It was a difficult birth.
29:14Caesarian.
29:15From me inside.
29:18To say my mother survived would be inaccurate.
29:21So, because I never really knew her,
29:23lately I've been trying to reconnect.
29:25I've been tracing back her family tree.
29:27I've come across some interesting characters.
29:29First up, we have my grandmother, Marjorie.
29:33There she is.
29:34Nice hat.
29:35It's a fucking tragedy, actually.
29:37Shot herself to death.
29:41How is that a tragedy?
29:42Marjorie's father was called Oopsie.
29:45They came from a very poor family.
29:47Couldn't even afford chairs.
29:54Then we have my mother's great-aunt, Pissy.
29:57Cause of death, unknown.
30:03Next up, we have my great-great-great-uncle, Poncho.
30:06Great guy, loved his horse.
30:09Too much. Maybe too much.
30:13Now, we also had a bit of a celebrity in the family.
30:17I don't like to brag, but my great-great-great-uncle, Norm,
30:20was a pretty big deal on the after-dinner circuit
30:23around the courts of Europe.
30:24He would do poems, like, tell naughty joke,
30:27but mainly, he looked like this.
30:33What's going on there?
30:34I don't even know what that is.
30:36They used to call him Fuzzy Boy.
30:39Spanish.
30:42LAUGHTER
30:45Now, we were actually able to trace my family lineage
30:48all the way back to the 11th century.
30:50The birth of my great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather
30:54is actually captured in the bail tapestry.
30:57How do we know it's him?
30:58Look familiar?
30:59It's a theory.
31:00From the inside.
31:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
31:09There's a Spanish expression for that.
31:11What's going on there?
31:12LAUGHTER
31:17What's the story?
31:20And here is your teaser.
31:22The words are INTO ALAN.
31:24The clue is DO IT FOR YOUR COUNTRY.
31:26That's INTO ALAN.
31:27DO IT FOR YOUR COUNTRY.
31:28See you after the break.
31:29APPLAUSE
31:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:42Welcome back.
31:43The answer to the teaser, the words were INTO ALAN.
31:45The clue was DO IT FOR YOUR COUNTRY.
31:47It was, of course, NATIONAL.
31:49OK, before we go on with the game, time for a quick bonus round.
31:53Sarah and Gary have been lovers for many years.
31:56LAUGHTER
31:57But Alan and Munya have only just met.
31:59But who knows more about each other?
32:01The married couple or the strangers?
32:03Let's find out as we play Mr And Mr And Mr And Mrs.
32:07APPLAUSE
32:12Please join me.
32:18I'm going to ask Munya and Sarah some questions.
32:20Alan and Gary won't be able to hear the answers
32:22because they'll be wearing headphones.
32:24You'll just have to guess them.
32:25Whoever guesses the most correct answers gets the bonus points.
32:28Sarah, is Gary the perfect husband?
32:31Yeah, for me, yeah, for sure.
32:33That sounded like less of a compliment now, I realise.
32:35LAUGHTER
32:37Alan, same question to you regarding Munya.
32:39He's a wonderful lover.
32:41LAUGHTER
32:43And he excites me in ways I never really knew possible.
32:48Is that with a big hand?
32:49Yeah, a massive hand.
32:51OK.
32:52Alan, Gary, take a seat over by Rachel.
32:54Put your headphones on.
32:55Good luck, love. Thank you.
32:57LAUGHTER
32:59Let's play Mr And Mr And Mr And Mrs.
33:01Munya, you're up first. Here is your first question.
33:04What unusual grooming habit does Alan have?
33:07LAUGHTER
33:09I've known Alan for a few minutes and...
33:12LAUGHTER
33:13..I reckon he's the kind of guy who,
33:15every time he has a poo, he has a shower.
33:18LAUGHTER
33:20If Alan could change one thing about himself,
33:22what do you think it would be?
33:25Hard to know where to begin, isn't it?
33:27LAUGHTER
33:29His dentist? I don't know.
33:31LAUGHTER
33:33What does Alan think is his best feature?
33:35And I'll give you a clue, it's below his waist.
33:38LAUGHTER
33:40Symmetrical knees?
33:42LAUGHTER
33:44That's kind.
33:45Isn't one bigger than the other, usually?
33:47That's boobs. Boobs, yeah.
33:49LAUGHTER
33:50What about Alan does he think gives people the ick?
33:53I feel like he doesn't know what to do with his hands,
33:56picking his thumbs.
33:57Look, man, I don't know the guy, you know?
33:59LAUGHTER
34:01Well, let's bring Alan back. Could you grab Alan, Rachel?
34:05Oh. Oh.
34:10So, if the answers match, you get points, OK?
34:12OK.
34:13I asked him, what unusual grooming habits do you have?
34:16What do you think he said?
34:17Do you know what I like doing? Well, this is disgusting,
34:20but picking my toenails and using them as interdentals.
34:24What?!
34:26LAUGHTER
34:28I know what you're thinking, with the size of these gaps,
34:30I could use me old foot, but...
34:33I can't do that, that's just, that's me dad.
34:35No.
34:36No, because you get right in there, especially your big toe.
34:38Oh.
34:39Because it's got a hook on it, you can get right in the back.
34:42Did you say that? Did you say that?
34:44You thought you might like to have a shower after you did a poop,
34:47but he's flossing with his toenails, so no.
34:50Alan, if you could change one thing about yourself,
34:52what would it be?
34:53Me hump.
34:54LAUGHTER
34:55What hump is this?
34:57This hump here, I have, like, a hump like that.
35:00It's too much.
35:01It's worse than those toenails, isn't it?
35:03LAUGHTER
35:05Where's the hump?
35:06The hump's here, it's quite rounded.
35:08It's like I'm shoplifting a wok.
35:10LAUGHTER
35:14Did you say that?
35:16No.
35:17Manya said the thing you would change about yourself would be your...
35:21LAUGHTER
35:23What did you say?
35:25What did you think you would change about yourself?
35:27Say it to me face, say it to me face.
35:31What did you say? What did you say?
35:33I said your dentist.
35:35Because of your teeth?
35:36You are not getting any tonight.
35:38LAUGHTER
35:40OK. Oh, God, we're not doing very well at this.
35:42OK, no, no, you can pull this back.
35:44Next I'll ask Manya, what do you think is your best feature?
35:47Me legs. I've got lovely legs.
35:50Thank you.
35:51APPLAUSE
35:52I will give you that.
35:54When you said...
35:55I said you've got symmetrical knees.
35:57LAUGHTER
35:59So, no, I mean, legs, everyone comments on my legs,
36:02they're my erogenous zone as well, did you know that?
36:05I put on a pair of Uggs, I nearly came.
36:08LAUGHTER
36:11OK, so we'll give you that.
36:13We asked Manya this, we said,
36:15what does Alan think about him gives people the ick?
36:18I have really bad IBS.
36:21LAUGHTER
36:22Yeah, no, I did know that.
36:24LAUGHTER
36:25I have explosive wind.
36:27I once destroyed a fire pit.
36:29LAUGHTER
36:33Yeah, I have really bad stomach issues and it just goes...
36:39..like Oppenheimer.
36:41LAUGHTER
36:43I said that you don't know what to do with your hands
36:45when you're nervous.
36:46And where are they now? Yes.
36:48They're holding in the IBS.
36:49LAUGHTER
36:51They're pushing my arse cheeks together.
36:53APPLAUSE
36:55So you got one. Let's see how the lovers will get on.
36:58But there's nothing at stake here.
37:00There's a lot at stake over here.
37:02Well, let's see how this round goes.
37:04Oh, God. Oh, God.
37:05OK, here's your first question. Yeah.
37:07What's Gary's most annoying habit?
37:09He doesn't really know how to use a toilet brush.
37:12Oh. I use paper.
37:14LAUGHTER
37:18He genuinely thinks it's for unblocking the toilet.
37:22And sometimes I bring it out the little holder
37:24and it just looks like a cake pop.
37:26LAUGHTER
37:28So that. I think that.
37:30I don't know that he knows that he does that, though.
37:33This feels like the perfect forum.
37:35LAUGHTER
37:37What would be Gary's ideal date night?
37:40Be on his own.
37:42LAUGHTER
37:44With a bowl of sausages and some zombie films.
37:47I don't think I'm there at all.
37:49Perfect date night.
37:51OK, what's the most romantic thing Gary has ever done for you?
37:54He did once, when I was poorly, he bought me,
37:56instead of flowers and chocolates, which is kind of standard, isn't it,
37:59he bought me a Mr Potato Head to cheer me up.
38:01It was genuinely touching, if a little mad.
38:04OK. You're not going to break this, Jimmy.
38:06No, I'm...
38:08What's your most annoying habit?
38:10I think I'm quite controlling,
38:12but that's only because he often does things wrong.
38:15Let's get Gary back. He's enjoying the peace and quiet over there.
38:18I don't want to disturb him. Let's bring Gary back.
38:20Come on, Gary.
38:24You know how this works. I'm going to ask Sarah some questions.
38:26You've just got to match your answers, then you get the points.
38:28OK. What is your most annoying habit? What do you think Sarah said?
38:31Always being right.
38:36That is not what she said.
38:40What did you say? You didn't say he was...
38:42Oh, I said that he didn't use the toilet brush.
38:44They're no good for unblocking it, they're awful.
38:46That's not what they're for!
38:50OK, well, I'll say no points there.
38:53What would be your ideal date night?
38:55Curry and zombie films.
38:57I'll give you the points for that, yeah.
38:59I'll give you that, yeah.
39:05My next ask, Sarah, what's the most romantic thing
39:07you've ever done for her?
39:09When you were stuck in Australia when the planes couldn't fly...
39:11Oh, yeah, that's tough.
39:13I was going to drive to pick you up in Spain,
39:15but then they legalised flying again, so I didn't have to,
39:17so I got to make the offer and get all the Qdos points
39:19without having to deliver on it.
39:21I'm going to say that's the best.
39:23You were going to drive to Spain to pick her up? Yeah.
39:25Yeah. Well, they've got weird accents there.
39:27Yeah, yeah.
39:33I'm worried I'm not going to have a career after this.
39:38That wasn't Spanish at all!
39:42So, the correct answer was...?
39:44That you bought me the Mr Potato Head
39:46when I wasn't very well to cheer me up.
39:48Yes, I did, I did. Next.
39:50I asked Sarah, what is Sarah's most annoying habit?
39:52On the rare occasions I get the remote control,
39:54she always tells me I'm not doing it properly
39:56and grabs it herself and presses the button.
39:58I said that I was too controlling,
40:00and I think you just gave her a really good story
40:02about how I'm really controlling.
40:04I think they get the points for that, don't they?
40:08This is a win not just for Sarah and Gary,
40:10but for lovers everywhere.
40:12They get the points.
40:14Thanks for playing Mr and Mr and Mr and Mrs.
40:16Back to our seats.
40:20Too controlling. She doesn't let me have the remote.
40:22But he doesn't even mute.
40:24He just turns it down, down, down, down, down, down,
40:26down, down, down, down, down, down.
40:28Just fucking mute it!
40:30Whoa!
40:32Put a fascinating glimpse into your lives.
40:36Well, you already know about your arsehole, so...
40:38Yeah.
40:40I wish I could press the mute button on my arsehole.
40:46OK, on with the game. Sarah, your turn to pick the letters.
40:48Five consonants and four vowels, please.
40:52No messing around.
40:54Oh, business.
40:56G, N, S,
40:58and then A,
41:00E, O,
41:02E.
41:04And your time starts now.
41:08CLOCK TICKS
41:10CLOCK TICKS
41:36Sarah, how many letters?
41:38You've got a five. OK, Gary, how many?
41:40Five. Alan? Six.
41:42Munya? Also six.
41:44OK, well, Gary, what's your five?
41:46Stang.
41:48Stang? Yeah, like the past tense of sting.
41:50Susie, how are you feeling about stang?
41:52Sting, stung, so no stang.
41:54Sarah? I've got teens.
41:56Yep. Teens.
41:58Munya, your six?
42:00I've got tangos. Yeah.
42:02Very good. Alan, your six?
42:04Agents.
42:06Well done to Alan and Munya.
42:12Susie? Don Rodolfo, my Spanish friend.
42:16Could they have done any better, Don Rodolfo?
42:18Yeah, they could have had neonates for eights.
42:20Neonates, what's neonates?
42:22Newborn infants.
42:24So, at the end of that, Sarah and Gary are in the lead
42:26with 19 points.
42:28APPLAUSE
42:30And here is your final teaser.
42:32The words are WANK RISE.
42:34The clue is, that's a posh one.
42:36That's WANK RISE, that's a posh one.
42:38See you after the break.
42:40APPLAUSE
42:54Welcome back. The answer to the teaser,
42:56the words were WANK RISE.
42:58The clue was, that's a posh one.
43:00It was, of course, SWANKIER.
43:02Time for our final letters game.
43:04Alan, Munya, your turn to choose.
43:06OK. You choose.
43:08No, no, no. Go on, man, you're you.
43:10What are the words?
43:12I'll choose, I'll choose.
43:16Five consonants, please, and four vowels.
43:18OK. R, L,
43:20Y, S,
43:22D and then I.
43:24We've got a problem with the clock.
43:26I'll do it on my potato keyboard.
43:28U, A and E.
43:30I'll just do a sound check.
43:36OK, and your time
43:38starts...
43:40now.
44:00MUSIC PLAYS
44:10APPLAUSE
44:20How many? Seven.
44:22Gary, how many? Six.
44:24OK, Alan? Seven.
44:26Munya? Six for me.
44:28Gary, your six, Munya? Easily.
44:30Gary, your six?
44:32ARISES.
44:34One S, so you can't have ARISES.
44:36It's bad enough he's controlled by Sarah, now you're chipping him.
44:38Sarah, your seven?
44:40READILY.
44:42Alan, your seven?
44:44REDIALS.
44:46That's beautiful.
44:48Seven points to both teams.
44:50APPLAUSE
44:52Susie, Don Rotolfo from Spain.
44:54Yeah, they could have had RESIDUAL for eight.
44:56Oh, we were so close to Ireland.
44:58LAUGHTER
45:02U upside down.
45:04Turn the U upside down, you got it.
45:06Yeah.
45:08Nailed it.
45:10APPLAUSE
45:14OK, so Alan and Munya have 24.
45:16Sarah and Gary have 26.
45:18APPLAUSE
45:20APPLAUSE
45:26Fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
45:30Your time starts now.
45:38BELL
45:40Is it IMPLORING?
45:42Let's take a look.
45:44Wow.
45:46APPLAUSE
45:48Five seconds in.
45:50Five seconds.
45:52Wow.
45:54So the final scores are Sarah and Gary have 26 points,
45:56Alan and Munya have won with 34.
45:58APPLAUSE
46:04Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of this,
46:06the Countdown practice milking set.
46:08APPLAUSE
46:10Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
46:12and to all of you for watching at home, that's it from us.
46:14Goodnight.
46:16APPLAUSE
46:46Thank you.